End of Civilization

Happy Thanksgiving to those of us in the U.S. who celebrate it, and Happy Thursday to everyone else…and what better way to commemorate either event than with paging through the latest Diamond Previews (December 2010 edition) and discovering what bounty awaits within this paper cornucopia. Follow along, pilgrims:

p. 93 – Adventure Comics #523:

Is there really such a thing as a “jumping-on point for new readers” for anything Legion-related? I’m not even sure this was true way back in Adventure #247.

p. 132 – Blackest Night Firestorm Bust:

This is not a good look for Don King.

p. 138 – Star Trek Infestation #2:

“Say, Mike, how can I get the ‘zombie-fied’ Star Trek logo cover?”

“Only if you’re bad.”

p. 205 – Marvel Select Thor and Loki Movie Version Action Figures:

“Verily, my microphone is too cumbersome and awkwardly formed!”

“At least yours isn’t too tall!”

p. 215 – Victorian Secret: Girls of Steampunk:

Oh, Antarctic Press.

p. 218 – Betty & Veronica #252:

“Betty and Veronica swap their faces with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage in a story you won’t soon forget!”

p. 233 – Political Power: Glenn Beck:

“You know, when the fascist totalitarian socialists bring this country to its knees, you’re gonna need the basics to ride out the coming storm…plenty of gold, a stockpile of survivalist seeds, and plenty of copies of this, the Glenn Beck comic book, because brother, you’re gonna need the paper.”

p. 298 – Owly & Wormy: Friends All Aflutter HC – Young Readers Picture Book:

Because there was so much reading in the previous Owly releases.

(Yes, yes, I know, the 40-page hardcover is a more kid-friendly format. I was a children’s librarian for several years, after all. And survived.)

p. 314 – Gumby’s Gang #2: Starring Prickle:

“Prickle heads for England in search of his ancestral roots and finds out more about dragons and dinosaurs than he bargained for! Meanwhile, the Blockheads’ evil robot version of Prickle has infiltrated Gumby’s rock band and is wreaking havoc on Gumby, Pokey and Goo. Will Toy Town survive the wrath of…The Prickleton 8000?!”

Well, that’s it, reading that solicitation has driven me insane.

Then again, the seeming purpose of any Gumby animated short was to drive the viewers insane, so this is right in line, I suppose.

p. 321 – The Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine Special – The Blob:

“And then I hold the cows above my head in each hand like this, and squeeze their udders directly into my mouth!”

“Blob, that’s really more than I wanted to kn….”

“And then you should see what I do with the pigs!”

“Oh God, please stop talking.”

p. 327 – Star Wars Mysteries of the Jedi HC:

“…Then George Lucas grafted a bunch of half-baked New Age-y ideas onto a modified chivalrous knighthood, with a little of Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai mixed in, and….”

“Wh…what?”

“Um, I mean, ‘and then the Jedi used their great command over the Force to bring peace to the galaxy.'”

“…Aaaaahhhh.”

p. 335 – Extreme Anger Military Tee:

Granted, that’s a better name than “Dislocated Jaw Hulk T-Shirt.”

p. 352 – Spy Net Video Watch:

Well, sure, what’s more covert than the GIANTEST WATCH ‘N’ WRISTBAND EVER.

p. 353 – Barbie Dynasty Doll:

Barbie’s Lily Pond Catfight Playset sold separately:

p. 361 – Lucha Libre Luchador Masks:

It’s nice of Diamond to explicitly market to Chris Sims like this.

p. 389 – Norman Phartephant Plush:

“This 10″ elephant plush toy makes eight different ‘phart’ sounds, along with an ‘oops’ and ‘sorry,’ all activated by a squeeze of his tail!”

Well, clearly this set of Trondheim books had to go to make room for the farting elephant toy.

p. 392 – Star Wars: Darth Vader Alarm Clock:

And here is the sound the alarm should make, if there is any justice in the world:

direct link, in case the player doesn’t work

p. 393 – Star Wars: Darth Vader Limited Edition Ceramic Cookie Jar:

He’s filled with midi-cookie-ans!

…Okay, that was bit of a stretch. I’ll have better jokes when the Cookie Jar Jar is eventually released.

p. 394 – Disney by Britto: Mickey Summer Box and Figurine:

Uh, oh…Mickey’s tripping hard! And oh the irony, it’s from his own tattoos! Walt won’t be pleased.

p. 401 – Oh Gnome You Don’t Board Game:

Just posting this as a warning to Employee Aaron that I’ll be saying “Oh Gnome You Don’t” incessantly at the shop over the next few weeks.

Marvel Previews p. 48 – Venom/Deadpool #1:

“…The House of Ideas asks and answers: What if the Venom Symbiote possessed Deadpool!”

“Pssst…hey, Deadpool, it’s me, Venom. You know, I had about a million series of my own back in the ’90s, until people got sick of me and I had to go away for a while. But even I didn’t have them all running concurrently. Just sayin’.”

Marvel Previews p. 97 – Namor Visionaries: John Byrne Vol. 1 TPB:

Dropping this in here because John Byrne’s Namor series came out twenty years ago, and if I’m going to feel old, so are the rest of you.

Hey, it’s a new Previews catalog (November 2010), follow along in your own copy, you know the drill:

p. 138 – Infestation #1:

Hmmm…a zombie crossover event involving Star Trek, G.I. Joe, Transformers, Ghostbusters, etc. I was going to write some kind of lengthy essay about zombies and how played out they are and how they’re overused as gimmicks to jumpstart moribund properties and so on, but I’d like to get this installment of End of Civilization wrapped up pretty quick so I can get back to playing Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare.

p. 145 – This guy:

I wasn’t going to say anything, since this is a caricature of a real dude being used as IDW’s “mascot,” popping up throughout the solicitations, but…man, I don’t know, he’s kinda scaring me. YES, I WILL ORDER THE COMICS, PLEASE STOP MAGICALLY APPEARING BEFORE ME, TINY SALESPERSON.

p. 216 – Sarah Palin Versus The World:

I can’t even work up the surprise anymore.

p. 243 – Darkwing Duck #5 Long Beach Comic Con Get-A-Sketch Variant:

Little did you know that my old pal, Ian Brill, writer of Darkwing Duck, just loves drawing things, so be sure to bring this sketch cover up to him at cons and insist that he draw nothing less than the entire Darkwing Duck cast fighting the entire cast of Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers (which he’s also writing). Tell him Mike sent you.

p. 254 – Kevin Smith’s Kato #10:

You know, with a new female Kato…it was only a matter of time before she ended up mostly naked on a cover.

p. 267 – Nancy Is Happy: Complete Dailies 1942 – 1945:

Some may consider a Nancy collection to be the End of Civilization. I consider it a reason to keep on living.

p. 269 – The Overstreet Hall of Fame NYCC/Fan Edition:

If you’re lucky, you can get Bob Overstreet himself to draw something on this sketch cover. Maybe a price guide entry for something that features a headlight cover, an injury to eye panel, excessive gore, Betty and Veronica in lingerie, and a $355 price tag in NM condition.

p. 278 – Cursed Pirate Girl The Collected Edition Vol. 1 TP:

So there was Employee Aaron, at the San Diego Comic Con, standing in front of this cartoonist’s table picking up a copy of Cursed Pirate Girl #3 for himself. Meanwhile, his kind and goodhearted boss, Mike, was back at the shop a few hundred miles north of the event, and unable to also buy a copy of #3, which had been solicited through Diamond but canceled. And there was Aaron, knowing Mike still needed a copy of #3, handing money to the cartoonist in exchange for a copy, but oh no, at no time does it ever occur to him to pick up a second copy for poor ol’ Mike, struggling alone back at the store while Aaron is off nonchalantly not buying Mike comics and proposing to his girlfriend and stuff. And lo, did Mike lord this over him at every possible opportunity when Aaron returned from his little adventure sans an extra copy of Cursed Pirate Girl #3.

Anyway, Aaron hurriedly pointed out this solicitation to me when he spotted it, in some desperate attempt to stave off his death at my hands. Only if it actually arrives, my friend…only if the book actually arrives.

p. 324 – The Woodstock Generation Trading Cards:

The set was only supposed to be about 100 cards, but thousands of other cards somehow rushed in and crashed the collection.

…That sounded funnier in my head.

p. 326 – Deadpool Icon Black Hooded Pullover:

“Man, I love cross sections of old moldy tomatoes! Where can I get a pullover like that?”

p. 330 – The Joker Dark Detective #1 Military Green T-Shirt:

These Tea Partiers are getting awfully aggressive with their tactics lately.

OR

Meg Whitman’s campaign sure took an ugly turn.

OR

In retrospect, Rand Paul probably shouldn’t have handed these shirts out to his supporters.

OR

I knew those Obamacare death panels were gonna be trouble!

p. 331 – Blade Runner Replicant Gray T-Shirt:

Oh, great, now we’re going to be arguing whether Harrison Ford’s character was wearing one of these under his coat.

p. 332 – Star Wars A New Hope Luke Ceremony Jacket Prop Replica:

Oh, sure, I don’t see Chewbacca getting any kind of ceremony prop replica! The Wookiee gets screwed again.

p. 332 – World of Warcraft Murloc Green Zip-up Hoodie:

So close to a Sleestak hoodie. So close.

p. 344 – World’s Greatest Heroes Retro Action Figures:

Behold, the tragedy of rickets.

J’onn J’onzz insists on wearing flesh colored bodystockings for all of his nude scenes.

On second thought, maybe Smallville should avoid a live action version of Darkseid.

p. 345 – 8-Inch D-I-Y Toy Truck:

Graffiti artists should plan out their work on a small scale first, before actually painting all over some shipping company’s vehicles.

p. 349 – Harry Potter Ultimate Dueling Battle Trainer:

Apparently you basically wave your wand at an animated Voldemort head.

…Those of you waiting for a Hermione version of this toy can just keep on waiting, you weirdos. Go “wave your wand” somewhere else.

p. 362 – Iron Man 2 Movie Mark V Briefcase Suit Prop Replica:

I’m going to answer the question you all have about this product: yes, it’s just a regular briefcase inside. I know everyone’s first reaction, just for the briefest of moments, in defiance of all logic, is going to be “does it turn into the suit,” even though you know full well it’s not going to.

At least, I thought that for a split second. Surely I’m not alone in this.

…

Dammit.

p. 366 – Star Wars Commando Cody “Order 66” 1/5 Scale Resin Statue:

Relive that moment when the Clone Troopers get their instructions to slaughter their Jedi allies…or prepare for that moment when the very young children watching the Clone Wars cartoon finally put two-and-two together and realize that Obi-Wan and Ashoka’s trooper pals will eventually turn on them. …Fun for the whole family!

It’s this thing again! I poke through the newest issue of Diamond Previews (October 2010, this time), point out some Items of Note, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll all learn a little something. …Have I done the “we’ll all learn a little something” gag too often on this site? Probably. Send your letters of complaint to my editor. Also, I overuse variations on the word “would” in one entry, and don’t even bother to check my French in that other entry, because it’s totally wrong. Which is fitting, considering. Anyway…awaaaaaay we go:

p. 25 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer #39:

Revealed in this issue…the shocking secret of Buffy’s pants!

p. 42-45 – Star Wars Legacy: War #1, Star Wars: Knight Errant – Aflame #3, Star Wars The Old Republic: Blood of the Empire #3:

If you would have told me 30 years ago that there would someday be multiple Star Wars comic book series on the stands, but I wouldn’t be familiar with any of the main characters in them, I wouldn’t have believed you.

p. 59 – Classic Archie Character #3 – Betty Statue:

“Ooh, gross, creepy ol’ Mr. Eerie is substituting today.”

p. 60 – Cousin Eerie Statue:

“Why, hello, Ms. Cooper…you’re certainly looking…nice this morning…see you in class!”

p. 83 – Green Lantern Emerald Warriors #5:

Oh, hey, this series totally abbreviates as “GL: EW.” That works out nicely, considering.

p. 131 – Wonder Woman #600 Statue:

Commemorate the stunning and dramatic costume change of our favorite Amazon Warrior, with this dynamic statue that will remain a treasured collector’s item for years to come….

Um, wait, what was that?

Er….

AAAAAAAAAAH

p. 132 – Heroes of the DC Universe Blackest Night Black Lantern Batman Bust:

I try not to go to the “this would be damn hard to explain to your friends and loved ones” well too often, but c’mon.

p. 135 – Harley Quinn 1:4 Scale Museum Quality Statue:

Is it just me, or does Harley Quinn get progressively creepier-looking the more “realistically” she’s portrayed?

p. 154 – Star Trek Khan – Ruling in Hell #3:

For the life of me, I have no idea why you would make the Ricardo Montalban photo cover the rare one. SLAP THAT SMOOTH BASTARD ACROSS ALL YOUR COVERS. Especially the Witch & Wizard series…it could use the help.

p. 205 – Marvel Select Gambit Action Figure:

“Sacre bleu! My coat, she has too much of ze starch in it! And my cards, they are en flammes! I am having ze bad day, vraiment!”

p. 226 – Archie #226:

I’m sure this cute and completely innocent gag will have the desired effect of pissing off everyone of every political stripe everywhere.

p. 227 – Betty & Veronica #251:

Thought this might have been a good candidate for my “This Is A Fetish for Someone” entries over at The Bureau Chiefs, but

1. …I’m pretty sure this actually is a common fetish for some folks, and This Is A Fetish… is only funny if it’s something really bizarre, and…

2. …As I recall, Betty and Veronica are supposed to be, what…15? 16? And that’s a fetish I’d just as soon not address.

p. 345 – Quicksilver T-Shirt:

“Hey, man, what’s the ‘L’ stand for?”

“Quicksilver.”

“Oh, okay…wha huh!?”

p. 370 – Labyrinth the Worm Plush:

Seriously, the more I hear about this Human Centipede movie, the weirder it gets.

p. 373 – Star Wars Death Star Planetarium:

If you gotta dress up your educational toys in Star Wars drag…well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Look how happy this kid is:

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to blow up that planet…and that planet…and that planet….”

p. 378 – Smurf Statues:

So this Smurf:

…is in love with the only lady Smurf in town, Smurfette:

…which will create quite the love hecatontagon when the other Smurfs find out. Or love centagon? Love Zocchihedron™? Man, I don’t know. Let me know when they nail down a term.

p. 381 – Resident Evil T-Virus & Anti-Virus Display:

If you have any airline travel to do in your immediate future, I’d suggest not taking this along in your luggage to show Aunt Rose back east. You’d likely end up with some ‘splainin’ to do.

p. 384 – James Bond Jaws’ Teeth Signature Edition Prop Replica:

Those of you shopping for gifts for dentists: here you go. You’re welcome.

BONUS: comes with a “tram cable” piece to show your teeth replicas “in action.”

p. 391 – DC X Bishoujo Collection Catwoman Statue:

My, that certainly looks both comfortable and practical when jumping from rooftop to rooftop.

p. 394 – Bakemonogatari – Kanbaru Suruga Ani*Statue:

This statue is absolutely all about demonstrating the basketball prowess of this young woman, and nothing else. You’d have to be some kind of weirdo to think otherwise.

p. 398 – Harry Potter RAH Figure:

No thanks, I prefer my Harry Potter figures fully cooked.

…Look, it’s late, and I’m tired.

p. 403 – Stay-Puft Quality Caffeinated Marshmallows:

Oh, sure, let’s take something that’s sugary and add caffeine to it. That’ll make the kids zip around like hummingbirds.

p. 406 – Star Trek Sulu por Homme Cologne for Men:

I’m not even going to make fun; let’s just enjoy the majestic beauty of this solicitation text:

“Sulu Pour Homme, or Sulu For Men for those who are French-impaired, is the perfect cologne for the man who does everything, whether that be cataloging exotic plants, collecting antique firearms, or piloting ancient helicopters and advanced starships. It’s more than just choosing to live your life with style; Sulu dives straight to the soul and allows you to release your own Intergalactic Man of Mystery. That jaunty, fearless swashbuckler of a man who, whether he’s wielding a rapier in a swordfight or commanding an Excelsior-class starship, is always ready for action. Oh, my!”

Oh, my indeed.

p. 426 – Grant Morrison – Talking with Gods DVD:

“I hated this DVD. It was too convoluted and confusing, and it was just weird for the sake of being weird.”

“Did you watch it?”

“No, of course I didn’t watch it.”

Marvel Previews p. 71 – Wolverine The Best There Is #1:

Oh thank God, a new ongoing Wolverine series. For while there I thought we’d have to make do with only a dozen or so comics featuring Wolverine per month. THE DROUGHT IS OVER, THE DROUGHT IS OVER

Sure, you may be offended by my building an End of Civilization post so close to New Comics Day, but it’s my right as an American, guaranteed in the Constitution, to put this post up whenever and wherever I want, and baby, you’re just gonna have to deal. Anyway, those of you who would like to sing along with my hymns of praise, please open up your copies of Diamond Previews, September 2010 edition, and join on in.

p. 59 – Milo Manara T-shirt:

“[Manara] has made a powerful name for himself producing comics that revolve around elegant, beautiful women.”

…Who are usually naked and having something awful happening to them, granted, but hey, they’re purty!

p. 95 – T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1:

Surely this will be the revival of a nearly-forgotten decades-old comics property that’ll catch on.

p. 129 – Blackest Night Orange Lantern 1:4 Scale Power Battery and Ring Prop Replica Set:

A collectible tchotchke based on an item that is, in the Lantern lore, representative of avarice…there’s a base level of irony in there, somewhere.

p. 131 – Brightest Day Series 2 Action Figures – Hawkman:

I didn’t think we’d ever reach a point in our cultural history where we had too many Hawkman action figures, but, well, here we are.

p. 140 – G.I. Joe #24:

“So, Mike, how can I get that rare Trevor Hutchison cover?”

“Well, first, you have to drink this.”

“Um…what?”

“Here, drink this.”

“What is it?”

“Never you mind. DRINK IT.”

“Okay, okay…now what?”

“Put this on.”

“Um…a dog collar? With a leash?”

“Do you want the comic or not?”

“Sure, but….”

“WEAR THE LEASH.”

p. 303-4 – Tank Girl: Bad Wind Rising #1:

Oh, no, those aren’t visible areolae above Booga’s hands in that full page ad for Tank Girl in the Previews. They’re…um, poker chips that he’s holding for Tank Girl. For safekeeping. Against her breasts. Um, yeah.

p. 322 – The Monster Hunter Survival Guide #1: The Undead:

Tip #1: Wear as little clothing as possible.

p. 333 – Doonesbury and the Art of G.B. Trudeau:

Features several soft-focus shots, from many angles, of Trudeau’s photocopier.

(PLEASE NOTE: Haven’t read Doonesbury in years. No idea if the repeated photocopied panels joke is out of date. …Probably scanners and Adobe Photoshop nowadays, anyway.)

p. 345 – Deadman Symbol T-shirt:

“Hey, man, one of the Ds fell off your Daredevil shirt.”

p. 347 – Spider-Man: Swings Throw Blanket w/Sleeves:

Okay, sure, you can’t call ’em “Snuggies,” but surely you could have come up with something more clever than “throw blanket with sleeves.” Like “Robe of Shame,” or something.

p. 376 – Star Wars Pink Darth Vader Helmet:

“Um…Lord Vader?”

“YES, ADMIRAL?”

“Uh, I don’t mean to be…well, disrespectful or anything, but, um….”

“GET TO THE POINT.”

“It’s just that…well, that is…why are you pink pleasedon’tforcechokeme.”

“MY UNIFORM CAME BACK THIS WAY FROM THE CLEANERS. I SHALL UNLEASH THE FULL POWER OF THIS BATTLE STATION UPON THEIR FIVE LOCATIONS IN THE TRI-COUNTY AREA. NOW DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF THIS AGAIN.”

“Yes, Lord Pin…VADER, I mean Vader oh god”

p. 376 – Star Wars Logo Bookends:

Finally, something to hold up all my William Shatner-penned (well, credited) Star Trek novels.

p. 394 – Watchmen Rorschach Bobble Head:

It’s been a while since we’ve had a good entry in the “Entirely Inappropriate Watchmen Merchandise” series, but this’ll do. This will do.

p. 395 – Kick Ass Coffee Mugs:

“Each mug features a vulgar line from the graphic novel….”

Ah, so each mug features a line from the graphic novel, then.

According to the solicitation, the mugs are only censored for the ad…the actual mugs feature the naughty words in all their unfettered glory. And as hilariously inappropriate as having a mug that reads “Okay, you [c-word]s, let’s see what you can do” would be, especially just, you know, sitting out there on your desk in your cubicle…for some reason, having an actual censored version of the “You are a ******* ******” mug would be even better. Make all those c********** wonder!

Hey, look, it’s another one of these…another brisk gallop through the latest Diamond Previews catalog, pointing out items of interest for your edification. Whip out your copy of the August 2010 edition and follow along! (Also, an EoC fan asked if he could put together a page of some of his favorite entries, I said yes, and here’s what resulted. Also, in response to some of his comments there, I am slowly going through and adding “End of Civilization” tags to those posts…about halfway done, but I’ll get the rest soon!)

p. 130 – Green Lantern Vs. Sinestro Statue Set:

“Great Guardians! Some unknown force has replaced my right arm with a giant green sea urchin! How can I possibly defeat Sinestro now?”

p. 220 – Steampunk Palin one-shot:

It’s another visit from the Pop Culture Mixmaster, slapping together two faddish tastes into a great new flavor explosion! …Sorry, that’s the best metaphor I’ve got. Whaddaya want for free?

p. 242 – Alice in Wonderland San Diego Comic-Con Johnny Depp Photo Edition HC:

The solicitation notes that this Tim Burton film took in over a billion dollars in its worldwide box office take, and I thought “c’mon, no way, I’m calling these guys on this.”

But then I looked it up, and I’ll be damned, it did take in over a billion dollars.

Of course, that still doesn’t answer the question “Why? Why did this film take in over a billion dollars?” or take away the knowledge that any film with this scene managed to do so, but at least I don’t have to bust the chops of my pals at Boom! about the claim.

p. 253 – Warlord of Mars #1:

Well, at least they put some clothes on her for the comic book adaptation.

p. 365 – Plastic Man Close-Up T-Shirt:

This is strangely upsetting. Do you think Plastic Man has the same body heat as a normal person? Also, it seems unlikely that his actual mass would change. So if you were wearing Plastic Man in the form of a shirt, would it feel like being heavily squeezed or pressed down around your upper body by other people, their body heat emanating into you?

…You’re welcome.

p. 379 – Bat Boy 8-Inch Retro Style Action Figure:

I certainly hope Bat Boy is getting his fair share of the royalties from all this tie-in merchandise.

p. 380 – Mr. Corn Plush:

This comes in two varieties…the Happy Fresh Version, with a little smiley face, and the impossibly depressing SAD TENDER VERSION:

He is sad because he knows some of his kernels will inevitably not be digested and will…ahem…pass through, intact. THE SUFFERING OF MR. CORN WILL NEVER END.

p. 384 – Living Dead Dolls Nohell Doll:

It took me a moment to figure out the gag in the name. I’m really terrible about catching stuff like this sometimes.

p. 384 – Lego Brickmaster Atlantis HC:

Now you can build Atlantis from scratch, just like Plato did!

p. 390 – Mr. Potato Head KISS:

I was going to make a joke about “Potatoes in Satan’s Service,” but, um, that abbreviates in an unfortunate fashion.

p. 395 – Battlestar Galactica Kara “Starbuck” Thrace Mini-Bust:

ATTENTION: JOKE SPECIFICALLY FOR BATTLESTAR GALACTICA NERDS COMING IN 3…2….

“Note: Statue may suddenly disappear from display without warning.”

p. 403 – Star Wars Death Trooper Mini-Bust with Novel:

That’s a Zombie Stormtrooper, speaking of the Pop Culture Mixmaster. Just thought that was worth noting. Plus, it’ll look nice sitting on the mantelpiece next to the picture of Grandma.

p. 410 – Evangelion 2.0 Entry Plug Chopsticks:

…AND NOT AT ALL LIGHTSABER CHOPSTICKS.

p. 414 – Doctor Who 11th Doctor Diecast Sonic Screwdriver:

“It comes with three tips – large, medium, and small – and each tip is reversable [sic] with Phillips and Flathead ends.”

So it’s a replica…of the Sonic Screwdriver…that’s actually a screwdriver. Whoaaaa…far out, man.

p. 425 – Disney Traditions Light-Up Tinker Bell Lantern:

“Ah ha ha ha! At last, Tinker Bell, I have you trapped in my Lantern Prison! As soon as I turn the light on, you’ll be fried to a crisp, my little fairy!”

“Captain Hook, you fiend!”

Marvel Previews p. 102 – X-Force A Force to Be Reckoned With Premiere HC:

Reprinting those last few issues of New Mutants and the initial issues of X-Force, in a high quality hardcover.

Somewhere, a tree is crying.

Marvel Previews p. 188 – Carnage Poster:

“Art is currently being constructed from only the highest quality materials, handmade in Belgium by our most talented artisans, and flown in to our master craftsmen and electricians, who will spend countless hours assembling and wiring this item to very exacting specifications. We know you expect a high standard of quality on anything with the proud name of ‘Carnage Poster’ attached, and we aim to please.”

Welcome, everyone, to the ONE BILLIONTH entry in the End of Civilization series! …Well, okay, I rounded up slightly, but boy howdy, I have been doing these a while. Anyway, here we go again…grab your copy of Diamond Previews, July 2010 edition, or download your space-age digital copy to your iDroid/ApplePad3000 thingie, and let’s go! (Also, I cut the thalidomide joke…consider yourself lucky.)

p. 135 – Batman Arkham Asylum Series 2 Action Figures:

Oh, sure, I really want this staring back at me:

Though looking at the figures, here…they’re basically making Batman and Robin movie figures, aren’t they?

p. 152 – Star Trek Captain’s Log: Pike One-Shot:

I really hope this is just a single shot of Pike in his chair staring at you, repeated for 23 pages. Maybe the light on the front of his space-wheelchair can be lit or unlit on different pages.

p. 193 – Spawn #207:

Just a reminder that the Spawn comic is still hangin’ in there. Yeah, I’m amazed, too.

p. 210 – Marvel Minimates Series 37 Mini-Figure 2-Packs:

Okay, the six-armed Spider-Man Minimate is an abomination before God and nature:

…but Incognito Thing is ten kinds of awesome:

p. 222 – Duncan the Wonder Dog Volume 1: Show One:

I think Rex the Wonder Dog might have a word or two about this:

p. 232 – Archie Marries… Slipcased HC:

Hey, remember that one time everyone thought something was going to happen in Archie and it turned out it really didn’t? Here’s your chance to remember it forever!

p. 350 – DC Comics Year by Year A Visual Chronicle HC (with Slipcase):

1934 – 1970: Nothing much of importance happens.

1971: Swamp Thing introduced.

p. 350 – The DC Comics Superhero Collection Magazine:

“Hey! Hey, you, DC Comics! Stop getting rid of all your non-white characters!”

“Whoa whoa whoa, don’t blame me, man! Some of my best friends come from the interdimensional island of Marzal!”

p. 352 – Final Crisis The Novel:

Phew! At last, a clear, plain novelization of Grant Morrison’s epic mini-series which will explain everything, since apparently “powerful beings invade the Earth and cause mayhem” is a plot of nigh-Joycean proportions.

p. 354 – Stan Lee’s How to Draw Comics Limited Edition HC:

“Face front, true believers! I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler and a straight-line drawing machine, which is why I hired artists to draw my comics! If you can’t draw, you should hire artists, too! Excelsior!”

p. 354 – Disneystrology HC:

“Disneystrology combines astrology, numerology, and the magic of movies to help readers understand their own personalities.”

How can so much hard science be contained in only 48 pages?

p. 358 – The Snuggie Sutra TP:

“POSITION 32: Just take the damned thing off. I mean, c’mon, seriously, what’re you thinking?”

p. 361 – Reefer Movie Madness: The Ultimate Stoner Film Guide SC:

“WARNING: Readers may be really, really hungry after reading this book.”

p. 364 – Star Wars Millennium Falcon 3-D Owner’s Guide HC:

“Includes technical notes from Han Solo….”

I don’t know that Han Solo would be all that big on “technical notes.” “If it doesn’t work, hit it with your space-wrench. Or get your Wookiee pal to fix it.”

p. 374 – The Demon T-Shirt:

Will delight 1 out of 20 people you encounter who are also Jack Kirby fans. The other 19 will simply assume you worship Satan.

p. 381 – Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Deluxe Sweater:

Okay, they’re just selling the sweater in this particular solicitation, but they could have tried a little harder on the actual mask. Looks like a background alien from Babylon 5.

p. 383 – Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter Prestige Costume:

Man, what the hell happened to Carrottop?

p. 400 – Living Dead Dolls Presents Freddy Kreuger Classic 10-Inch Figure:

Oh, c’mon, how many victims is he realistically going to slash to death with those wee little nubbins of arms?

p. 407 – Star Wars Flying Millennium Falcon R/C Vehicle:

At first glance, as I was skimming the catalog, I thought this was some kind of hat, or visor. I’d bet Employee Aaron’s salary that such a thing actually does exist.

p. 407 – Toy Story 3 Mr. Potato Head as Buzz Lightyear:

“OH MY GOD he’s killed and skinned Buzz and he’s (choke) wearing him!”

p. 411 – Return to Wonderland Alice Statue:

“Why, you sneaky little phallic symbol, coming up behind me like that, you rascal!”

p. 431 – Toy Story Kubricks:

Why, these are kind of cute and neat-looking…nice translations of the screen characters in Kubrick form. …Hmm, and what’s this….

p. 431 – Toy Story 3 Buzz & Woody Be@rbrick:

oh no why would anyone do this

p. 435 – Farts in a Can Sound F/X Toy:

AND NOW WHY MIKE IS NOT INVITED TO PARTIES:

“BRRAAAAPP!”

“Ha ha! Mike, you scamp, you have one of those Farts in a Can toys, don’t you?”

“A what in a can?”

“Um….”

p. 437 – Cthulhu Plush Cell Phone Holder:

“Hello? Hello? Are the stars right now?”

p. 437 – Zombie Fragrance Oil:

“For a zombie in a state of decay, they need Zombie Fragrance Oil. Liberally apply this scent, and combat that lingering odor of decay to entire the comely young undead thing that has caught your fancy.”

I don’t even know where to start on this.

p. 439 – Superman Returns Desk Clock/Paperweight:

Wow, somebody still has some old Superman Returns stock left over.

p. 441 – Zodiac Smurf Figures:

JOKE #1: Newspaper Editor Smurf keeps getting letters from an anonymous suspect who claims “I’m going to smurf again!”

JOKE #2: James Randi Smurf has totally debunked this astrosmurfology nonsense. These Smurfs should be ashamed of themselves.

p. 453 – Back to the Future The Card Game:

“Oh, man…I drew the ‘Your Mom Hits on You’ card. I’m feeling very uncomfortable.”

p. 458 – DC Heroclix Jonah Hex Battle Pack:

Made from recycled Jonah Hex movie filmstock!

Marvel Previews p. 77 – Wolverine #1:

Well, yes, I guess…but if you need more Wolverine-style action, there’s the Wolverine: The Road to Hell one-shot, the new Daken: Dark Wolverine ongoing series, the ongoing X-23 spin-off character, there’s Wolverine’s appearance in X-Force, and he’s prominently featured in the Avengers: The Children’s Crusade ad, and there he is as the feature character in New Avengers #4, and oh, look, there he is in Spider-Man/Fantastic Four #3, and Astonishing X-Men #4, oh, and Astonishing Spider-Man and Wolverine #1 Director’s Cut, and there’s his origin in Origins of Marvel Comics: X-Men #1, and I can see him there in X-Men #3, and there’s a little tiny pic of him on the cover of X-Men: Curse of the Mutants – X-Men Vs. Vampires #1, and he might be in Avengers #5 or some of the other X-titles, but I’m not seeing him in the ads, but you know, maybe, if we’re lucky, Wolvie might in those titles, too. So thank goodness, we’ll hopefully have sufficient Wolverine content in the months to come!

Marvel Previews p. 88 – Kick-Ass 2: Balls to the Wall #1:

Available in August…and then sporadically thereafter!

It’s an all-new installment of the End of Civilization, going on 5 1/2 years and still ending strong! This particular edition is very heavy on the fake dialogue, so please enjoy the voices in my head being transcribed here for your pleasure. Crack open your copy of Diamond Previews (June 2010) and follow along, with me and my magical elf friend Elfy! Right, Elfy? “Right, Mike!”

p. 92 – The Brave and The Bold #36:

“When Adam Strange offered Lois Lane the chance to file a story from Rann, she jumped at it – but she wasn’t expecting to become an interstellar war-correspondent!”

She certainly didn’t expect it the last time, either!

p. 134 – 51 Ways to Save Her Vol. 1:

This new CMX book sounds pretty good. Can’t wait for future installments!

p. 270-1 – Miscellaneous Green Hornet comics:

So, there are seven different Green Hornet periodicals, plus a hardcover reprint, this month. Pretty good for a character that, not that long ago, was mainly referenced by people trying to remember Green Lantern’s name.

p. 301 -The Smurfs Vol. 1 The Purple Smurf & Vol. 2 The Smurfs and The Magic Flute:

I’M TOTALLY BUYING THESE SHUT UP

p. 346 – Lost Encyclopedia:

“So, who was that on the other outrigger shooting at our heroes?”

“Um….”

“Oh, does it say who was still dropping off supplies on the island?”

“Well, uh….”

“At least tell me it has the Man in Black’s name.”

“Er….”

p. 349 – Star Trek The Original Series 365 HC:

“In addition to a wealth of never-before-seen images and newly commissioned photography, [this book] presents a treasure trove of remastered stills from the CBS archives….”

“Newly commissioned” pics aside, it seems to be there’s a finite amount of period photos from the original Trek series. Eventually archivists are going to be pouring through old episodes frame-by-frame trying to find an image not already used:

“Okay, this frame from ‘And The Children Shall Lead’ – cleared for use?”

“Wait wait, lemme look…nope, used in the ’70s bubblegum card series.”

“DAMN. How ’bout the next frame?”

“Checking, checking…okay, that one’s good. Slap that sucker on a t-shirt.”

p. 349 – Star Wars Year by Year – A Visual Chronicle HC:

“Hey, the book stops at 1998!”

“Trust me, it’s better this way.”

p. 360 – Multiple Mang T-Shirt:

Yes, “Multiple Mang.” Also, the shirt looks like it’s celebrating model sprues.

p. 365 – Zombie God Save the Queen Black T-Shirt:

So we’re just throwing zombies onto anything now, are we? “WOO check out my zombie toaster, man! It makes toast…UNDEAD TOAST.”

p.372 – Marvel Select Juggernaut Action Figure:

“Man, what are we going to do with all these leftover misshapen lumps of plastic from our action figure factory?”

“Oh, just throw them out…wait, hold on, I have an idea.”

p. 376 – World’s Greatest DC Heroes Retro Action Figures:

“I really need to pick a shade of blue and stick with it.”

“Look, they didn’t have glove-cuffs my size, okay? Just lay off.”

“Stop making sense
Stop making sense
Stop making sense
Making sense”

“Man, look at me. I’m badass. I don’t belong with these losers.”

p. 378 – Auto World Batman Slot Car Track Set:

Okay, so here’s a Batman slot car set based on the 1960s TV show. And also in this catalog is

p. 384 – Auto World Dukes of Hazzard Slot Car Track Set:

If one were to, say, combine both sets together: ADAM WEST BATMAN VERSUS THEM DUKE BOYS IN THE RACE TO END ALL RACES.

Surely the world does not deserve such beauty.

p. 386 – Fisher Price Milk Wagon:

Soon to become a Fisher Price Beer Wagon in some college student’s dorm room.

p. 386 – Fisher Price Record Player:

“Here’s your very own record player, Little Billy!”

“A what player? Where’s the USB port? Why are these CDs so lumpy?”

p. 392 – Avatar Jake Sully’s Na’Vi Dagger Prop Replica:

For extra authenticity, prop replica available solely as 3D graphics on supplied DVD-ROM.

p. 392 – The Phantom’s Jungle Bowie Knife Prop Replica:

Hey, remember that one time the Phantom totally shanked a guy? That was awesome.

p. 394 – Harry Potter’s llluminating Wand Prop Replica:

“Wave the wand and a light shines from its tip. Wave it again, and the light is extinguished.”

Oh, I think we’ve all experienced that, am I right, guys?

…

What, yours doesn’t glow?

p. 396 – Thor Classic Mini-Bust:

“Verily, the fish I doth caught was this big!”

p. 398 – Nick Fury S.H.I.E.L.D. ID Set and Pistol Prop Replicas:

This is a government security breach waiting to happen. And by “security breach” I mean “some dope getting the crap beat out of him when he tries to get past some checkpoint with these.”

p. 424 – Batman Folding Pen:

“Use the writing implement designed for billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne….”

…Which totally has the Batman logo on it. That Wayne, he’s got chutzpah.

p. 437 – Smallville RPG Core Rulebook:

“Okay, so Luthor hops into his plane and flies off with the Kryptonite. What do you want to do?”

“I’ll fly after him.”

“Sorry, you can’t fly yet. Not until after ten years of campaign time have passed.”

“Wait, what? What can I do, then?”

“You can look longingly into Lana’s big watery eyes and say incredibly evasive things that exacerbate everyone’s problems.”

“Oooh, I roll for Save Vs. Ridiculous Plot Developments.”

“Yeah, you can try.”

Yup. It’s another one of these things, because YOU demanded it! Not even an earthquake which occurred while I was putting this together could prevent this from happening! Ha! Take that, nature!

p. 132 – Blackest Night Series 7 Action Figures:

Doesn’t say in the solicitation, but I’m presuming Dex-Star, the feline Red Lantern, is packaged with the Red Lantern Mera. Really, DC could’ve skipped making that Mera figure and just made Dex-Star. No one wants a figure of Aquaman’s wife. Everyone wants an evil space-kitty.

p. 228 – Life with Archie The Married Life #1:

Continuing the “imaginary” (as they say) stories of Archie in his marriages with Betty and with Veronica. Any theoretical little kids who may read this and not quite get what’s going on here may find themselves exposed early on to the idea of polygamy.

p. 234 – Aspen Splash 2010 Swimsuit Spectacular #1:

A swimsuit special. Published by Aspen. LILY STATUS: GILDED.

p. 394 – Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan Communicator Role-Play Replica:

“Features 3 play modes: Voice Clip Mode, Screaming Kirk Mode, and Hail / Call-Back function.”

“Screaming Kirk Mode.”

“SCREAMING KIRK MODE.”

“SCREAMING KIRK MODE.”
khan

p. 405 – Kick-Ass 6-Inch Action Figures:

Due out September 2010. When the movie’s been out of first-run theatres for about 6 months, and, I’m assuming, will have been on DVD for about two months.

That’s some good timing.

p. 406 – Mr. Potato Head Elvis Presley:

Sadly, Mr. Potato Head Elvis Presley was found floating in his toilet this morning.

p. 415 – Clash of the Titans Baton from Gods Prop Replica:

There are three replica swords from the movie available from the same page. At least the swords sort of look like something that has a use (even with the presumably blunted edges, I’m guessing). The baton…not really so much, no. I suppose you can use it for added emphasis if you gesture with it. “You’re lookin’ for Old Mill Road? Well, go a half-mile in that direction” (BATON POINT) “turn left at the silo” (BATON SWEEP TO LEFT) “and keep headin’ north…you can’t miss it” (BATON TAP TO BRIM OF HAT). “Have a nice day.”

p. 417 – Return to Wonderland Calie Bronze Statue:

Enough of a fan of the Grimm Fairy Tales comic to drop $2,900 on a bronze statue? Now’s your chance.

(My mind always boggles at super high-end comics merchandise like this. I mean, they’re only making 30 of these, which seems…well, reasonable, for the lack of a better word, and surely someone must being buying these, right?)

p. 423 – Jonah Hex Tomahawk Axe Prop Replica and Turnbull’s Cane Prop Replica:

YAAAAAWN. How boring. You know merchandise the Jonah Hex movie needs? “Jonah Hex’s Make-Up Kit for Li’l Cowboys.” Comes with one-size-fits-all prosthetic mouth scar-flap, and optional oversized googly-eye.

p. 426 – Star Wars The Force Unleashed Darth Vader Mini-Bust:

I’d be okay with Lucas going back and redoing the original Star Wars movies one last time, if we could have that climactic lightsaber battle in Return of the Jedi with Darth looking like this.

p. 429 – Darth Maul Lightsaber Chopsticks:

“…A special bonus connector piece lets you turn the Darth Maul chopsticks into a fun double-bladed lightsaber.”

“WARNING: Trying to eat meal with chopsticks in this configuration will only annoy your friends and piss off the waiter. ALSO NOTE: ‘Fun’ may vary from customer to customer. Length of fun not guaranteed.”

p. 433 – Doctor Who the 11th Doctor’s Sonic Screwdriver:

Me: “Hey, look, it’s that new Sonic Screwdriver.”

Nora: “Really? What does it do?”

Me: “Well, it…lights up, and these claws at the end open up, here….”

Nora: “And they want…thirty-two dollars for that?”

Me: “And now you know why I started ‘The End of Civilization.'”

p. 436 – Kick-Ass Talking “In Your Pocket” Keychain:

Plays “six different phrases taken from the film.” There’s only one phrase…well, word from the film in particular anyone really talked about. I would die if that’s on this toy.

p. 443 – Star Trek Cufflinks:

For the stealth nerd in your life. “Sapstein, I don’t want to see you wearing your Star Trek t-shirt to work. Nothing but collared shirts and ties from now on. Got it?” “Got it, boss!” (turns to camera, winks, flashes cuffs, and links, for audience to see)

p. 448 – Tinker Bell Treasure Chest Box:

“OH GOD MY BACK, IT’S BROKEN didn’t that stupid human see me leaning here PLEASE OPEN THE BOX OH GOD THE PAIN”

Marvel Previews p. 73 – X-Women #1:

VERY SPECIFIC JOKE, REQUIRES NERD KNOWLEDGE: “We’re one step closer to getting X-Men: Click.”

SLIGHTLY MORE GENERAL USE JOKE: “At last, bringing all those amateur-made sexy X-Men drawings for sale on eBay into continuity!”

Oh, man, it’s been a couple of days, that’s for sure. But, here we go, a new installment of End of Civilization to delight and probably annoy. Download a copy of the March 2010 Diamond Previews from copyright_liberators_daily and follow along. (Also, I finally added an “End of Civilization” category, which only links to this post so far. I’ll add the rest later when I have a little free time!)

p. 132 – Ame-Comi Heroine Series: Star Sapphire PVC Figure:

Oh, good, this should end the debate about Star Sapphire’s costume once and for all.

p. 209 – Fame #1 Lady Gaga:

You know, for most of my End of Civilization entries, I’m only joking that the item in question indicates the imminent fall of the world.

Just sayin’.

p. 244 – The Talisman: The Road of Trials Volume 1 HC:

I’m about to do something entirely unfair.

What my original hardcover copy of The Talisman novel cost when I got it back in 1984: $18.95 (probably about $30 or so today)

What this graphic novel adaptation of the early portions of the novel costs: $25.00

Yes, yes, we’re talking about two different animals here, but still, I think it’s interesting.

p. 275 – Archie: The Best of Dan DeCarlo, Volume 1:

Boy, I sure hope they talk about how he created Josie and the Pussycats in these books. And why he moved on to drawing Simpsons comics and such in his last few years.

p. 328 – Marvel Comics Iron Man 2 Trading Cards:

So I’m assuming Iron 2 Man is about a steam iron magically transformed into a human, and the wacky adventures he has trying to fit into a strange new world. “Hey, man, don’t press me!” “Whoops, sorry, old habits.”

…

I’ve lost my mind.

p. 333 – Krypto Mad Dog II T-Shirt:

“Doggie style.” Hmm, let’s see, what do I think of when I see that phrase?

1. The punk band Doggy Style.

2. A literal reference to the fact that this is a style of shirt with the picture of a dog on it.

3. And nothing else.

p. 335 – Zombieland We Stand United T-Shirt:

I can’t help but think that this is just going to cause problems with people who don’t notice the Zombieland logo in the corner. “What, you got a problem with sick people, jerk?”

p. 373 – Wolverine & The X-Men Colossus Statue:

Oh, thank goodness, my Colossus “Tribute to Armpits” statue is finally on its way.

p. 378 – Sushi Erasers:

Ladies, gentlemen…let the pranks begin.

p. 378 – Mini Designer Chairs:

These are collectible 1/12 scale model chairs, sold in “blind mystery box” packaging.

I don’t have a joke. I’m too busy being stunned.

p. 379 – Marvel Comics Coloud Headphones:

“STUPID HEADPHONES NOT FIT RIGHT ON HULK’S HEAD. HULK CAN’T PROPERLY ENJOY GLORIA ESTAFAN AND THE MIAMI SOUND MACHINE. WANT RHYTHM TO GET ME TONIGHT.”

“War Journal Entry #5511: I had hoped the soothing sounds of Billy Joel’s An Innocent Man would ease away the pain I live with every day…the pain of loss that never ebbs no matter how many drug dealers or mob bosses I take down. But if Hulk doesn’t shut up about his Gloria Estafan record, I swear to God I’m going to shoot the son of a bitch.”

p. 380 – Tru Blood Soda:

“Tart and slightly sweet, Tru Blood pours like a regular soda but appears stormy and mysterious when poured into a glass.”

Well, hell, I’m sold. If it’s one thing I want to put into my body, it’s something “stormy and mysterious.”

p. 392 – Family Guy Clue:

“The loud, obnoxious character…did it in the living room…with the flashback to a pop-culture reference.”

p. 393 – John Wayne Monopoly:

“Ooh, I landed on The Conqueror square. What happens now?”

“You…really don’t want to know.”

Marvel Previews p. 24-31 – Spider-Man family titles:

That’s eleven different titles, including three issues of Amazing, two mini-series, a one-shot, and an annual. …Huh, I wonder how come Spider-Man‘s success doesn’t translate to comic sales? You’d think the transition from one movie every three years or so to nearly a dozen different stories a month would be a natural one.

Marvel Previews p. 99 – Runaways Live Fast Premiere HC:

Hey, it’s that cover again! I think I’d almost be a bit disappointed if they fixed this little problem.

p. 100 – Avengers Red Zone Premiere HC:

Wow, they pumped up Johns’ name on the cover there to almost “Writers Who’ve Licensed Out Their Novels to Marvel” size on the cover there. Must be because of all the advertising DC’s been doing for them.