Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Sure, you may be offended by my building an End of Civilization post so close to New Comics Day, but it’s my right as an American, guaranteed in the Constitution, to put this post up whenever and wherever I want, and baby, you’re just gonna have to deal. Anyway, those of you who would like to sing along with my hymns of praise, please open up your copies of Diamond Previews, September 2010 edition, and join on in.
p. 59 – Milo Manara T-shirt:
“[Manara] has made a powerful name for himself producing comics that revolve around elegant, beautiful women.”
…Who are usually naked and having something awful happening to them, granted, but hey, they’re purty!
p. 95 – T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1:
Surely this will be the revival of a nearly-forgotten decades-old comics property that’ll catch on.
p. 129 – Blackest Night Orange Lantern 1:4 Scale Power Battery and Ring Prop Replica Set:
A collectible tchotchke based on an item that is, in the Lantern lore, representative of avarice…there’s a base level of irony in there, somewhere.
p. 131 – Brightest Day Series 2 Action Figures – Hawkman:
I didn’t think we’d ever reach a point in our cultural history where we had too many Hawkman action figures, but, well, here we are.
p. 140 – G.I. Joe #24:
“So, Mike, how can I get that rare Trevor Hutchison cover?”
“Well, first, you have to drink this.”
“Um…what?”
“Here, drink this.”
“What is it?”
“Never you mind. DRINK IT.”
“Okay, okay…now what?”
“Put this on.”
“Um…a dog collar? With a leash?”
“Do you want the comic or not?”
“Sure, but….”
“WEAR THE LEASH.”
p. 303-4 – Tank Girl: Bad Wind Rising #1:
Oh, no, those aren’t visible areolae above Booga’s hands in that full page ad for Tank Girl in the Previews. They’re…um, poker chips that he’s holding for Tank Girl. For safekeeping. Against her breasts. Um, yeah.
p. 322 – The Monster Hunter Survival Guide #1: The Undead:
Tip #1: Wear as little clothing as possible.
p. 333 – Doonesbury and the Art of G.B. Trudeau:
Features several soft-focus shots, from many angles, of Trudeau’s photocopier.
(PLEASE NOTE: Haven’t read Doonesbury in years. No idea if the repeated photocopied panels joke is out of date. …Probably scanners and Adobe Photoshop nowadays, anyway.)
p. 345 – Deadman Symbol T-shirt:
“Hey, man, one of the Ds fell off your Daredevil shirt.”
p. 347 – Spider-Man: Swings Throw Blanket w/Sleeves:
Okay, sure, you can’t call ’em “Snuggies,” but surely you could have come up with something more clever than “throw blanket with sleeves.” Like “Robe of Shame,” or something.
p. 376 – Star Wars Pink Darth Vader Helmet:
“Um…Lord Vader?”
“YES, ADMIRAL?”
“Uh, I don’t mean to be…well, disrespectful or anything, but, um….”
“GET TO THE POINT.”
“It’s just that…well, that is…why are you pink pleasedon’tforcechokeme.”
“MY UNIFORM CAME BACK THIS WAY FROM THE CLEANERS. I SHALL UNLEASH THE FULL POWER OF THIS BATTLE STATION UPON THEIR FIVE LOCATIONS IN THE TRI-COUNTY AREA. NOW DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF THIS AGAIN.”
“Yes, Lord Pin…VADER, I mean Vader oh god”
p. 376 – Star Wars Logo Bookends:
Finally, something to hold up all my William Shatner-penned (well, credited) Star Trek novels.
p. 394 – Watchmen Rorschach Bobble Head:
It’s been a while since we’ve had a good entry in the “Entirely Inappropriate Watchmen Merchandise” series, but this’ll do. This will do.
p. 395 – Kick Ass Coffee Mugs:
“Each mug features a vulgar line from the graphic novel….”
Ah, so each mug features a line from the graphic novel, then.
According to the solicitation, the mugs are only censored for the ad…the actual mugs feature the naughty words in all their unfettered glory. And as hilariously inappropriate as having a mug that reads “Okay, you [c-word]s, let’s see what you can do” would be, especially just, you know, sitting out there on your desk in your cubicle…for some reason, having an actual censored version of the “You are a ******* ******” mug would be even better. Make all those c********** wonder!
That Rorschach bobblehead is pretty much the Platonic ideal of “gratuitous merchandise built out of the bones of the corpse of a once-dignified literary franchise.” It’s so garish that it transcends its status as a mere tchochke in order to become a kind of talisman of ur-cheese.
If you are ever attacked by Alan Moore in the dead of night, brandish the Rorschach bobble-head and he will be unable to drink your blood.
Seeing that Vader helmet, I can’t help but think that for once Pinkie and the Brain might actually take over the world.
I like how the Star Wars bookends only use the original trilogy DVDs.
We all know the Pink Vader was inspired by this:
http://boingboing.net/2006/07/30/hello-kitty-darth-va.html
As wrong as it is, I would like the Rorschach Bobble Head if the ink blots changed with each nod.
Tip #2: A wide-open mouth is your best defense against infected blood.
[comment removed]
Ah, angry homophobia. It’s the icing on the cake of stupid!
Wait… how did Mike make fun of 9/11? I must be getting old because I totally missed that.
Cole/m4 – Interesting that commenter was able to figure out that I was making fun of something, but not able to figure out exactly what. Ah, well.
STWA ARRS is my favorite movie series!
I think nothing can top the story about Gary Trudeau faxing rough pencils of a single panel with the words for the strip hastily jotted below to his editor. Said editor then had to ink the panel, copy it twice, paste it all up and letter it himself.
I guess I’m just not stupid or homophobic enough to find the 9/11 reference. Woo hoo!
You missed pp. 278-79 where Fantagraphics solicits “Twilight of the A-Holes and then shows the cover with the word spelled out.
John – There wasn’t one. The now-deleted comment was conflating light satire of a manufactured controversy with “making fun of 9/11.”
DanielT – I gotta leave something for Chris Sims.
Re: Pink Vader
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X9NFknjTRE
//\Oo/\\
I hope Tank Girl is reaching for a sandwich, because she looks positively emaciated.
I am glad Mike Sterling is not my retailer.
Mike Sterling is the best retailer ever. I once saw him punch a cow in the head.
Nevermind the areolae… there is a fuzzy-boggin sticking out of Tank Girl’s pants, licking his lips and saying “PIE”.
We know what kinda pie he’s eating.
Scooter Pie.
Mike Sterling is a terrible person. He sold me a Nancy book knowing fully that I’d get hooked on it like Arsenal to China White.
If Batman can be Rainbow Batman, why can’t Vader be Rainbow Vader? You discriminating, Mike? Huh? HUH???
That Vader bust looks like it’s made out of bubble gum. Man, you could chew on that thing for months!
So for T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, they gave Dynamo Aquaman’s old 1990s hairstyle?
I’m going to have to check out the Doonesbury book because the actual art of Trudeau owes much to his inker Don Carlton. There’s a snippet about it in this link from Mark Evanier’s post about comic strip assistants. http://bit.ly/a0YmZv
I’m seriously thinking of getting my pastor a Kick-Ass coffee mug for Christmas. The Hit Girl one, I think.
Clearly the Mad Hatter has irradiated Darth Vader’s helmet as part of a dastardly scheme to add it to his collection of ill-gotten chapeaus.
Seriously.
Aw Tank Girl’s awesome and she’s always been an exhibitionist too.
I’m just wondering who shelved their STAR WARS DVDs backwards, so that it becomes the story of a Jedi coming back to life and turning into an evil cyborg, which upsets his son so much that he puts together a space station and goes to live on a farm.
Hate to be the fly in the buttermilk, but you missed the “Yes We Cannibal” print on page 219.
We thank you.
Mitchell – Already covered in a previous EoC!
Oh, yeah.
Never mind.
Tim O’Neil said: If you are ever attacked by Alan Moore in the dead of night, brandish the Rorschach bobble-head and he will be unable to drink your blood.
Actually, if you HAD a Rorschach bobble-head, that would be the reason Alan Moore would attack you in the dead of night.