Progressive Ruin is thankful for…the End of Civilization.

§ November 25th, 2010 § Filed under End of Civilization § 15 Comments

Happy Thanksgiving to those of us in the U.S. who celebrate it, and Happy Thursday to everyone else…and what better way to commemorate either event than with paging through the latest Diamond Previews (December 2010 edition) and discovering what bounty awaits within this paper cornucopia. Follow along, pilgrims:

p. 93 – Adventure Comics #523:

Is there really such a thing as a “jumping-on point for new readers” for anything Legion-related? I’m not even sure this was true way back in Adventure #247.

p. 132 – Blackest Night Firestorm Bust:

This is not a good look for Don King.

p. 138 – Star Trek Infestation #2:

“Say, Mike, how can I get the ‘zombie-fied’ Star Trek logo cover?”

“Only if you’re bad.”

p. 205 – Marvel Select Thor and Loki Movie Version Action Figures:

“Verily, my microphone is too cumbersome and awkwardly formed!”

“At least yours isn’t too tall!”

p. 215 – Victorian Secret: Girls of Steampunk:

Oh, Antarctic Press.

p. 218 – Betty & Veronica #252:

“Betty and Veronica swap their faces with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage in a story you won’t soon forget!”

p. 233 – Political Power: Glenn Beck:

“You know, when the fascist totalitarian socialists bring this country to its knees, you’re gonna need the basics to ride out the coming storm…plenty of gold, a stockpile of survivalist seeds, and plenty of copies of this, the Glenn Beck comic book, because brother, you’re gonna need the paper.”

p. 298 – Owly & Wormy: Friends All Aflutter HC – Young Readers Picture Book:

Because there was so much reading in the previous Owly releases.

(Yes, yes, I know, the 40-page hardcover is a more kid-friendly format. I was a children’s librarian for several years, after all. And survived.)

p. 314 – Gumby’s Gang #2: Starring Prickle:

“Prickle heads for England in search of his ancestral roots and finds out more about dragons and dinosaurs than he bargained for! Meanwhile, the Blockheads’ evil robot version of Prickle has infiltrated Gumby’s rock band and is wreaking havoc on Gumby, Pokey and Goo. Will Toy Town survive the wrath of…The Prickleton 8000?!”

Well, that’s it, reading that solicitation has driven me insane.

Then again, the seeming purpose of any Gumby animated short was to drive the viewers insane, so this is right in line, I suppose.

p. 321 – The Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine Special – The Blob:

“And then I hold the cows above my head in each hand like this, and squeeze their udders directly into my mouth!”

“Blob, that’s really more than I wanted to kn….”

“And then you should see what I do with the pigs!”

“Oh God, please stop talking.”

p. 327 – Star Wars Mysteries of the Jedi HC:

“…Then George Lucas grafted a bunch of half-baked New Age-y ideas onto a modified chivalrous knighthood, with a little of Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai mixed in, and….”


“Um, I mean, ‘and then the Jedi used their great command over the Force to bring peace to the galaxy.'”


p. 335 – Extreme Anger Military Tee:

Granted, that’s a better name than “Dislocated Jaw Hulk T-Shirt.”

p. 352 – Spy Net Video Watch:

Well, sure, what’s more covert than the GIANTEST WATCH ‘N’ WRISTBAND EVER.

p. 353 – Barbie Dynasty Doll:

Barbie’s Lily Pond Catfight Playset sold separately:

p. 361 – Lucha Libre Luchador Masks:

It’s nice of Diamond to explicitly market to Chris Sims like this.

p. 389 – Norman Phartephant Plush:

“This 10″ elephant plush toy makes eight different ‘phart’ sounds, along with an ‘oops’ and ‘sorry,’ all activated by a squeeze of his tail!”

Well, clearly this set of Trondheim books had to go to make room for the farting elephant toy.

p. 392 – Star Wars: Darth Vader Alarm Clock:

And here is the sound the alarm should make, if there is any justice in the world:

direct link, in case the player doesn’t work

p. 393 – Star Wars: Darth Vader Limited Edition Ceramic Cookie Jar:

He’s filled with midi-cookie-ans!

…Okay, that was bit of a stretch. I’ll have better jokes when the Cookie Jar Jar is eventually released.

p. 394 – Disney by Britto: Mickey Summer Box and Figurine:

Uh, oh…Mickey’s tripping hard! And oh the irony, it’s from his own tattoos! Walt won’t be pleased.

p. 401 – Oh Gnome You Don’t Board Game:

Just posting this as a warning to Employee Aaron that I’ll be saying “Oh Gnome You Don’t” incessantly at the shop over the next few weeks.

Marvel Previews p. 48 – Venom/Deadpool #1:

“…The House of Ideas asks and answers: What if the Venom Symbiote possessed Deadpool!”

“Pssst…hey, Deadpool, it’s me, Venom. You know, I had about a million series of my own back in the ’90s, until people got sick of me and I had to go away for a while. But even I didn’t have them all running concurrently. Just sayin’.”

Marvel Previews p. 97 – Namor Visionaries: John Byrne Vol. 1 TPB:

Dropping this in here because John Byrne’s Namor series came out twenty years ago, and if I’m going to feel old, so are the rest of you.

15 Responses to “Progressive Ruin is thankful for…the End of Civilization.”

  • Mike Zeidler says:

    Nooooooooooooooo! I’m too late to order lucha masks!

    Unless you could fit me in? How much are they/how many designs are there?

  • Cullen says:

    No. The John Byrne Namor series can’t be 20 years old. It can’t be.

  • londonKdS says:

    If that isn’t just bad art, at least the “Girls of Steampunk” thing is trying to approximate Victorian aesthetics of the “big butts are hot” variety.

  • Randal says:

    Have they run out of Visionary ideas already? Namor? Seriously??

  • Just about EVERYTHING in this list makes me feel old – or “wrong”.

    20 year old NAMOR series.

    Original Star Wars.



    And, damn… but wasn’t that the least sexy “women’s mud wrestling” performance ever.

    First of all, the two actresses couldn’t stop smirking, and then old-geezer Blake actually BREAKS IT UP, instead of just having his chauffeur keep the car idling so he can watch.

    The priorities of some people.
    Money and a sense of decorum values over cheap thrills and dirty-old-manism…
    All screwed up, I tells ya.

    And that BLOB figure has some HUGE man-boobs.
    Just sayin’.

    Well… Happy Thanksgiving to all!


  • random surfer says:

    WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE – we have cookies.

  • Kurt Onstad says:

    Wouldn’t it be the Cookie Jar Jar Jar? Or, perhaps the Jar Jar Cookie Jar…

    Either of which are very fun to say out loud.

    Also, in the Betty and Veronica cover, I think Veronica already did switch her face with John Travolta’s. Not looking forward to Betty/Nick…

  • GQ says:

    Wow. Blob’s moobs. Cannot unsee.

    Also, I can’t help but titter and shake my head while sighing when I read the words “Star Wars” and “Limited Edition” in the same sentence.

  • Ed says:

    Byrne’s “Namor” considered “visionary,” either in the character’s history or Byrne’s career? Seriously?
    That series was one of a number of “last straws” for me as far as Byrne was concerned, and other than the very earliest bit, is something I remember largely negatively.
    Byrne’s gratuitously kewl “seriously, these are silly, let’s get rid of them” decision to lop of Namor’s ankle wings are really where, for me, “Byrne re-imagining” became “Byrne mutilation” (the thing with the Vision contributed to this as well), and hearing that he was coming on board a book to “shake things up” or “bring things back to basics” became something I dreaded rather than something I looked forward to.

  • Roger Green says:

    It’s Darth Vader time!

    Happy Thanksgiving, Mike!

  • Tom Mason says:

    I would read any comic where Nic Cage and John Travolta fought over Archie Andrews. Any comic.

    And I think you can accessorize your Blob figure with insulin pumps and lancets.

  • philip says:

    That Trondheim/Phartephant line was the saddest thing I’ve ever read on your site.

    Also, I am full of pie.

  • Prankster says:

    Dynasty? DYNASTY?

    Did I lose track of math, and suddenly 1986 comes after 2010?

    Also, shouldn’t it be “Oh gnome you di’in’t!”

  • trollop23 says:

    My fellow Canadians gorged on pie last month but Happy American Thanksgiving!
    Have you ever posted about the Pope John Paul comic? It’s coming up to Christmassacre, could you post some stuff about Christian comics?

  • Brian J. says:

    John Byrne’s run on Namor was the first time the character (and his supporting cast) was interesting to me. Hasn’t been interesting since!