Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ April 1st, 2010 § Filed under End of Civilization, here comes the april fool § 14 Comments

So, Diamond Previews, we meet again. Well, I suppose I have to look through you and see what wonders you’re offering this month. And if any of you folks out there in the viewing audience want to follow along with me, grab your own copies of the April 2010 edition and…um, follow along, I guess.

p. 153 – Star Trek Leonard McCoy, Frontier Doctor #1:

I was all ready to get my nerd on and say “hey, that’s a Puppeteer from Larry Niven’s Known Space stories!” but when I scanned the pic, I was suddenly able to more easily read the text on the cover there:

Sorry, didn’t feel like scanning it again. It says “With thanks to Larry Niven for the loan.” Ah, well. Still, I probably need to own this.

p. 180 – Brigade #1:

“A complete re-imagining of the original smash series” featuring the villain of Genocide. I don’t know how they’re going to top Genocide’s previous appearance.

p. 221 – Time Lincoln: Fists of Fürher #1:

It’s too bad I didn’t care for the original Time Lincoln comic (as reported here) because normally I’d be all over Lincoln versus Hitler. And let’s face it, all things considered, Hitler was going to pop up in this eventually.

p. 252 – Darkwing Duck #1 The Duck Knight Returns:

Hold on there just a gosh-danged minute. Says here that the writer of this comic is my old pal (and a founding member of the Associated Comics and Pop Culture Webloggers of Ventura County, CA and Outlying Environs) Ian Brill. Hey, I know it’s April Fool’s Day…you’re not going to pull one over on me, Boom! Studios!

p. 254 – Donald Duck #355:


p. 266 – Complete Adventures of the Big Boy Archives Vol. 1:

I find it hard to believe that there would be any demand for this whatsoever. Though I have to admit I can’t wait to see the new Alex Ross cover.

p. 374 – The Twilight Zone Series 1 8-Inch Action Figures:

The action figure translation of the Gremlin, while perhaps accurate, did it no favors, did it?

And from the solicitation info:

“Each exceptionally lifelike character….”

Er, there’s at least one character pictured there for whom the term “lifelike” may not apply….

p. 376 – Elvira Mistress of the Dark 7-Inch Deluxe Action Figure:

Sorry, guys, the dress is molded on.

p. 376 – Tonner DC Stars Power Girl Deluxe Collector Doll:

Power Girl and Elvira on the same page of Previews? We’re violating some cleavage zoning laws here, I think.

p. 383 – Watchmen Mez-Itz Figures:

Sooner or later, that one piece of Watchmen merchandise is going to come out that’s going to make Alan Moore cast that final devastating magical spell that will destroy the world. This is close. We’re at, like, 11:59 on the Alan Moore Magical Doomsday Clock.

p. 387 – Star Wars Clone Trooper Recon Kit:

Basically a bugjar that’s a Star Wars tie-in in that the Star Wars logo is molded into the plastic. Sure, why not.

p. 394 – Psycho-Man Mini-Bust:

No joke here. Just another sad lament that I do not own a Control-Box like the one he’s holding there. And not a prop one, either…I need one that works. Science, get crackin’.

p. 397 – Star Wars “Farmboy” Luke Skywalker Mini-Bust:

“BEHOLD my phallic symbol!”

p. 402 – Doom Generation Action Figures:

I have to say this comes as a surprise, though the very idea of the “Pruning Shears Jordan” figure makes me a little queasy. Nice touch having each figure’s retail price be $6.66, however.

p. 406 – The Hoff “In Your Pocket” Talking Keychain:

Plays clips of David Hasselhoff reciting his catch phrases, like “Don’t hassle the Hoff” and “I’m hoff for you,” and hopefully nothing from this.

p. 406 – Star Wars “In Your Pocket” Talking Keychain:

Unless there’s the Jawa “Utinni!” sound, I’m not interested.

p. 416 – Star Trek Shirtless Kirk Cologne for Men:

There is nothing that is not fantastic about this. “Set phasers for stunning,” it says on the box, and truer words have never been spoken.

While discussing this at work, I was asked what Shirtless Kirk would smell like. “He would smell like adventure,” I replied.

p. 428 – Dinosaur Monopoly 2010 Edition:

“Go directly to the K–T extinction event…do not pass GO, do not collect $200.”

p. 428 – Elvis Monopoly 2010 Edition:

“Go directly to the toilet…do not pass GO, do not collect $200.”

p. 429 – Family Guy Monopoly 2010 Edition:

“Go directly to the flashback with the pop culture reference…do not pass GO, do not collect $200.”

p. 429 – Nintendo Monopoly 2010 Edition:

“Go directly to the Donkey Kong 22nd level kill screen…do not pass GO, do not collect $200.”

p. 430 – Watchmen Heroclix Collector’s Box Set:

I’m telling you guys…no Seymour in the set, no deal.

14 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • I am telling you right now, the Big Boy Archives stopped me dead in my tracks. I actually, really want that. Not an April Fools joke. The comics are lame, but are definitely some of the first I ever saw.

    OK, off to read the rest of the post.

  • Jer says:

    Where’s the Watchmen Monopoly Edition?

  • Jon H says:

    I wonder how many tweens have been disappointed when they asked their parents for Twilight stuff and instead received Twilight Zone stuff.

  • Roger Green says:

    The problem with the post is that it IS on April Fools Day, and about 20% fall into the “you’ve gotta be kidding” pile.

  • Wasn’t there already a Psycho-Man bust? Is this one just smaller then?

  • José says:

    The thing about the Watchmen Heroclix set is that it will somehow feature 25 pieces. If it’s one character per piece, it could be possible that Seymour is one of them. If that’s the case, I may have to buy it so he can fight the deranged guy from the Black Freighter comic.

  • philip says:

    While I’m certain that there’s an April Fool’s gag on this page somewhere, the overall unbelievability of previous “End of Civilization” posts has robbed me of any chance of finding it.

  • C. Elam says:

    I have one of those “In Your Pocket” things – specifically, a “Cajun In Your Pocket”. Hey, I am from Louisiana, I make no apologies.

    Anyway, they are kind of funny for awhile, and then just sort of sit there. Unless you have someone who is annoyed by them. Then they are hours of fun.

    Mildly surprised they managed to license Star Wars. I thought nothing could top the Mr. T model for geek freak-out. (highly recommended, by the way)

  • Tom K Mason says:

    I call a nerd penalty on the Star Trek comic. Shouldn’t it be called Dr. McCoy, Final Frontier Doctor?

  • Someone should point out that the Star Trek animated series had an episode based on Niven’s “The Soft Weapon,” though they recast the puppeteer role for Mr. Spock. Still, plenty of Star Fleet vs. Kzin action in that.

    Ye, gods. Did I just write something this geeky? I’m so ashamed.

  • Rich Handley says:

    Someone should also point out that Niven himself wrote a sequel to his Star Trek animated episode, for the L.A. Times newspaper strips of the early 1980s–and Mike has scans of that story!

  • pell says:

    @philip: Ditto. I came in looking for an April Fool’s post, but I can’t tell. Truth is stranger than fiction.

    @C. Elam: Who dat?

  • Wow….do you have any idea how sad I am that the Big Boy book does not exist? I have several Big Boy items…really wanted that book! Dang you Mike! :)_