Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ April 29th, 2010 § Filed under End of Civilization § 20 Comments

Yup. It’s another one of these things, because YOU demanded it! Not even an earthquake which occurred while I was putting this together could prevent this from happening! Ha! Take that, nature!

p. 132 – Blackest Night Series 7 Action Figures:

Doesn’t say in the solicitation, but I’m presuming Dex-Star, the feline Red Lantern, is packaged with the Red Lantern Mera. Really, DC could’ve skipped making that Mera figure and just made Dex-Star. No one wants a figure of Aquaman’s wife. Everyone wants an evil space-kitty.

p. 228 – Life with Archie The Married Life #1:

Continuing the “imaginary” (as they say) stories of Archie in his marriages with Betty and with Veronica. Any theoretical little kids who may read this and not quite get what’s going on here may find themselves exposed early on to the idea of polygamy.

p. 234 – Aspen Splash 2010 Swimsuit Spectacular #1:

A swimsuit special. Published by Aspen. LILY STATUS: GILDED.

p. 394 – Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan Communicator Role-Play Replica:

“Features 3 play modes: Voice Clip Mode, Screaming Kirk Mode, and Hail / Call-Back function.”

“Screaming Kirk Mode.”



p. 405 – Kick-Ass 6-Inch Action Figures:

Due out September 2010. When the movie’s been out of first-run theatres for about 6 months, and, I’m assuming, will have been on DVD for about two months.

That’s some good timing.

p. 406 – Mr. Potato Head Elvis Presley:

Sadly, Mr. Potato Head Elvis Presley was found floating in his toilet this morning.

p. 415 – Clash of the Titans Baton from Gods Prop Replica:

There are three replica swords from the movie available from the same page. At least the swords sort of look like something that has a use (even with the presumably blunted edges, I’m guessing). The baton…not really so much, no. I suppose you can use it for added emphasis if you gesture with it. “You’re lookin’ for Old Mill Road? Well, go a half-mile in that direction” (BATON POINT) “turn left at the silo” (BATON SWEEP TO LEFT) “and keep headin’ north…you can’t miss it” (BATON TAP TO BRIM OF HAT). “Have a nice day.”

p. 417 – Return to Wonderland Calie Bronze Statue:

Enough of a fan of the Grimm Fairy Tales comic to drop $2,900 on a bronze statue? Now’s your chance.

(My mind always boggles at super high-end comics merchandise like this. I mean, they’re only making 30 of these, which seems…well, reasonable, for the lack of a better word, and surely someone must being buying these, right?)

p. 423 – Jonah Hex Tomahawk Axe Prop Replica and Turnbull’s Cane Prop Replica:

YAAAAAWN. How boring. You know merchandise the Jonah Hex movie needs? “Jonah Hex’s Make-Up Kit for Li’l Cowboys.” Comes with one-size-fits-all prosthetic mouth scar-flap, and optional oversized googly-eye.

p. 426 – Star Wars The Force Unleashed Darth Vader Mini-Bust:

I’d be okay with Lucas going back and redoing the original Star Wars movies one last time, if we could have that climactic lightsaber battle in Return of the Jedi with Darth looking like this.

p. 429 – Darth Maul Lightsaber Chopsticks:

“…A special bonus connector piece lets you turn the Darth Maul chopsticks into a fun double-bladed lightsaber.”

“WARNING: Trying to eat meal with chopsticks in this configuration will only annoy your friends and piss off the waiter. ALSO NOTE: ‘Fun’ may vary from customer to customer. Length of fun not guaranteed.”

p. 433 – Doctor Who the 11th Doctor’s Sonic Screwdriver:

Me: “Hey, look, it’s that new Sonic Screwdriver.”

Nora: “Really? What does it do?”

Me: “Well, it…lights up, and these claws at the end open up, here….”

Nora: “And they want…thirty-two dollars for that?”

Me: “And now you know why I started ‘The End of Civilization.'”

p. 436 – Kick-Ass Talking “In Your Pocket” Keychain:

Plays “six different phrases taken from the film.” There’s only one phrase…well, word from the film in particular anyone really talked about. I would die if that’s on this toy.

p. 443 – Star Trek Cufflinks:

For the stealth nerd in your life. “Sapstein, I don’t want to see you wearing your Star Trek t-shirt to work. Nothing but collared shirts and ties from now on. Got it?” “Got it, boss!” (turns to camera, winks, flashes cuffs, and links, for audience to see)

p. 448 – Tinker Bell Treasure Chest Box:

“OH GOD MY BACK, IT’S BROKEN didn’t that stupid human see me leaning here PLEASE OPEN THE BOX OH GOD THE PAIN”

Marvel Previews p. 73 – X-Women #1:

VERY SPECIFIC JOKE, REQUIRES NERD KNOWLEDGE: “We’re one step closer to getting X-Men: Click.”

SLIGHTLY MORE GENERAL USE JOKE: “At last, bringing all those amateur-made sexy X-Men drawings for sale on eBay into continuity!”

20 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • FxHx says:

    Hey, Mike. Tinkerbell.

    Also, the Mr. Potato Head joke is finely crafted. Well done, sir.

  • Nimbus says:

    Re: X-Women#1 – in that picture, are they all singing? Is the X-Women series a musical?

    And re: Dr Who Sonic Screwdriver…

    WIFE: Hey, look, a new pair of shoes.
    ME: Really? What do they do?
    WIFE: Well, they sort of cover my feet, though not very well. And squash my toes a bit. And are a little uncomfortable. But they look gorgeous.
    ME: And you paid… eighty pounds for them?
    WIFE: …
    WIFE: But they look gorgeous.

    (replace ‘pair of shoes’ with pretty much any other luxury item)

  • Matt says:

    That Tink box looks like it’s from an early sequence in Peter Pan where she gets stuck in a drawer and can’t get out cause her ass is too big.

    I’m not kidding!

  • Why do I envision the person who buys the Sonic Screwdriver also buying the Tinkerbell chest and…. well…………………..

  • g23 says:

    No, Nimbus… Milo Manara just draws all of his women with their mouths seductively slack-jawed.

    I’d be so into X-Men: Butterscotch.

  • Heli says:

    Does anybody reading this blog not have “nerd knowledge?”

    Also, Tink is clearly popping out of the gigantic keyhole on that box, not being guillotined. I won’t give you a citation this time, but you’d better watch it in the future, mister.

  • I was going to go with:

    the XO-Women : ButterxXxotch

    But then I’d have to explain the XO stood for hugs and kisses and also “O” as in “O-face” and the xXx being a riff on “X”-men and XXX porno…
    so… not worth the effort.


  • Oh, and Mikester… you are the MASTER at “conversational asides”.

    The scenes with the Trek cufflinks and the Baton directions are picture perfect.
    I may have to storyboard those.


  • Nimbus says:

    Milo Manara just draws all of his women with their mouths seductively slack-jawed

    Because, of course, having one’s mouth wired open like that is soooo seductive. Anyway… are you sure they’re not performing some Wagner opera?

    Also that Wrath of Khan Communicator – it’s actually the new 4G iPhone, isn’t it?


  • The only thing about the Clash of the Titans baton is that it gets a lot more screen time and emphasis than any of the swords. If for some reason you were really into the movie and wanted a prop, I’d assume that would be the one you’d pick.

  • Andres says:

    Archie Comic: So…do I have to read the comic to know who he’s more happy being married to?
    Return to Wonderland statue: Somehow they’re mixed LOLCats with upskirt fetish. Well done!

  • Chris McAree says:

    I thought someone else would have by this stage after reading about the “Screaming Kirk Communicator,”……..KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

    Although I never understood Shatner’s obsession with screen legend James Caan!

  • Heli says:

    Wait a minute. Is that Kitty Pryde they’re trying to pull out of the raging water (or whatever) on the X-Women cover? Why couldn’t she just phase out? Oh, right, because then she wouldn’t be wet and in distress.

    So, how long before the Manara-designed X-Women statues show up in Previews?

  • CW says:

    Isn’t every issue of every Aspen comic technically a swimsuit issue?

  • Bob says:

    No, they wear more clothing in the swimsuit issues.

  • Tom K Mason says:

    Maybe if Tinkerbell claps her hands and believes in herself, Peter Pan would grow up and notice her treasure chest box…

  • If I recall what I read about X-Women elsewhere, they get depowered in this story. Hence, the hanging on to each other thinginess.

    The Return to Wonderland statue, however…if they really wanted to up the creep factor, they would have hired Julius Zimmerman to design it.

  • Scott Rowland says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t mention the new issue o Tarot by Jim Balent. Looking at the cover shown on page 269 of the latest PREVIEWS, I was amazed to see that the woman shown was . . . well, much less pneumatic than any female character I’ve seen Jim Balent draw.

    That’s truly a sign of the end times approaching us.

  • Mike Loughlin says:

    The X-Women didn’t like Cannonball very much, and now he’s dead and they’re dancing around his skull.

  • Re: the Latest Previews. Perusing the latest Previews has presented an epiphany. The fine folks at Marvel have in their infinite wisdom(?????) celebrated the Women of Marvel by canceling almost every comic devoted to those very women of Marvel:
    R.I.P.: Sensational She-Hulk, Spider-Woman, and S.W.O.R.D. w/ Abigail Brand. Hopefully the recently launched Black Widow and Mockingbird/Hawkeye titles last more than 5 issues each.