Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ September 30th, 2010 § Filed under End of Civilization § 22 Comments

It’s this thing again! I poke through the newest issue of Diamond Previews (October 2010, this time), point out some Items of Note, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll all learn a little something. …Have I done the “we’ll all learn a little something” gag too often on this site? Probably. Send your letters of complaint to my editor. Also, I overuse variations on the word “would” in one entry, and don’t even bother to check my French in that other entry, because it’s totally wrong. Which is fitting, considering. Anyway…awaaaaaay we go:

p. 25 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer #39:

Revealed in this issue…the shocking secret of Buffy’s pants!

p. 42-45 – Star Wars Legacy: War #1, Star Wars: Knight Errant – Aflame #3, Star Wars The Old Republic: Blood of the Empire #3:

If you would have told me 30 years ago that there would someday be multiple Star Wars comic book series on the stands, but I wouldn’t be familiar with any of the main characters in them, I wouldn’t have believed you.

p. 59 – Classic Archie Character #3 – Betty Statue:

“Ooh, gross, creepy ol’ Mr. Eerie is substituting today.”

p. 60 – Cousin Eerie Statue:

“Why, hello, Ms. Cooper…you’re certainly looking…nice this morning…see you in class!”

p. 83 – Green Lantern Emerald Warriors #5:

Oh, hey, this series totally abbreviates as “GL: EW.” That works out nicely, considering.

p. 131 – Wonder Woman #600 Statue:

Commemorate the stunning and dramatic costume change of our favorite Amazon Warrior, with this dynamic statue that will remain a treasured collector’s item for years to come….

Um, wait, what was that?



p. 132 – Heroes of the DC Universe Blackest Night Black Lantern Batman Bust:

I try not to go to the “this would be damn hard to explain to your friends and loved ones” well too often, but c’mon.

p. 135 – Harley Quinn 1:4 Scale Museum Quality Statue:

Is it just me, or does Harley Quinn get progressively creepier-looking the more “realistically” she’s portrayed?

p. 154 – Star Trek Khan – Ruling in Hell #3:

For the life of me, I have no idea why you would make the Ricardo Montalban photo cover the rare one. SLAP THAT SMOOTH BASTARD ACROSS ALL YOUR COVERS. Especially the Witch & Wizard series…it could use the help.

p. 205 – Marvel Select Gambit Action Figure:

Sacre bleu! My coat, she has too much of ze starch in it! And my cards, they are en flammes! I am having ze bad day, vraiment!”

p. 226 – Archie #226:

I’m sure this cute and completely innocent gag will have the desired effect of pissing off everyone of every political stripe everywhere.

p. 227 – Betty & Veronica #251:

Thought this might have been a good candidate for my “This Is A Fetish for Someone” entries over at The Bureau Chiefs, but

1. …I’m pretty sure this actually is a common fetish for some folks, and This Is A Fetish… is only funny if it’s something really bizarre, and…

2. …As I recall, Betty and Veronica are supposed to be, what…15? 16? And that’s a fetish I’d just as soon not address.

p. 345 – Quicksilver T-Shirt:

“Hey, man, what’s the ‘L’ stand for?”


“Oh, okay…wha huh!?

p. 370 – Labyrinth the Worm Plush:

Seriously, the more I hear about this Human Centipede movie, the weirder it gets.

p. 373 – Star Wars Death Star Planetarium:

If you gotta dress up your educational toys in Star Wars drag…well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Look how happy this kid is:

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to blow up that planet…and that planet…and that planet….”

p. 378 – Smurf Statues:

So this Smurf:

…is in love with the only lady Smurf in town, Smurfette:

…which will create quite the love hecatontagon when the other Smurfs find out. Or love centagon? Love Zocchihedron™? Man, I don’t know. Let me know when they nail down a term.

p. 381 – Resident Evil T-Virus & Anti-Virus Display:

If you have any airline travel to do in your immediate future, I’d suggest not taking this along in your luggage to show Aunt Rose back east. You’d likely end up with some ‘splainin’ to do.

p. 384 – James Bond Jaws’ Teeth Signature Edition Prop Replica:

Those of you shopping for gifts for dentists: here you go. You’re welcome.

BONUS: comes with a “tram cable” piece to show your teeth replicas “in action.”

p. 391 – DC X Bishoujo Collection Catwoman Statue:

My, that certainly looks both comfortable and practical when jumping from rooftop to rooftop.

p. 394 – Bakemonogatari – Kanbaru Suruga Ani*Statue:

This statue is absolutely all about demonstrating the basketball prowess of this young woman, and nothing else. You’d have to be some kind of weirdo to think otherwise.

p. 398 – Harry Potter RAH Figure:

No thanks, I prefer my Harry Potter figures fully cooked.

…Look, it’s late, and I’m tired.

p. 403 – Stay-Puft Quality Caffeinated Marshmallows:

Oh, sure, let’s take something that’s sugary and add caffeine to it. That’ll make the kids zip around like hummingbirds.

p. 406 – Star Trek Sulu por Homme Cologne for Men:

I’m not even going to make fun; let’s just enjoy the majestic beauty of this solicitation text:

“Sulu Pour Homme, or Sulu For Men for those who are French-impaired, is the perfect cologne for the man who does everything, whether that be cataloging exotic plants, collecting antique firearms, or piloting ancient helicopters and advanced starships. It’s more than just choosing to live your life with style; Sulu dives straight to the soul and allows you to release your own Intergalactic Man of Mystery. That jaunty, fearless swashbuckler of a man who, whether he’s wielding a rapier in a swordfight or commanding an Excelsior-class starship, is always ready for action. Oh, my!”

Oh, my indeed.

p. 426 – Grant Morrison – Talking with Gods DVD:

“I hated this DVD. It was too convoluted and confusing, and it was just weird for the sake of being weird.”

“Did you watch it?”

“No, of course I didn’t watch it.”

Marvel Previews p. 71 – Wolverine The Best There Is #1:

Oh thank God, a new ongoing Wolverine series. For while there I thought we’d have to make do with only a dozen or so comics featuring Wolverine per month. THE DROUGHT IS OVER, THE DROUGHT IS OVER

22 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”