End of Civilization

Previews was a catalog used by Diamond Comics Distributors, the largest company of its kind in the country…and possibly the world, I have no idea. Anyway, this catalog contained a wide variety of items, and not just comic books…you could also find t-shirts, games, videos, naked Japanese girl statues, action figures, candy, naked Japanese girl statues, iPhone covers, posters, naked Japanese girl statues, and naked Japanese girl statues. So it pretty much had everything, as you can see.

One of this catalog’s many cultural impacts was the entirely petty and unjustified fun-poking immature folks on the internet would inflict upon some of the items listed within. As difficult as this may be to believe, one person even believed said items to be indicative of some kind of symptom of humanity’s decline…markers of an “end of civilization,” you might say.

Well, let’s take a look at this February 2010 edition of Previews and find out ourselves, shall we? Links to previous examinations of the publication may be found in the sidebar of this webpage.

p. 55 – 12″ Barb Wire Figure:

Not saying I couldn’t probably sell this to a customer or two, because hey, bosomy blonde gal, but even so…a Barb Wire figure does seem a bit…late-ish, wouldn’t you think?

p. 128 – Michael Keaton as Batman Bust:

Yup, those are Keaton’s abs, all right. A stunning likeness!

p. 134 – JLA Trophy Room Wonder Woman Tiara, Bracelets and Lasso Prop Replica:

“Wonder Woman’s tiara, bracelets and lasso are prop replicas ONLY and are not meant to be worn or used as weapons.”

And would be totally embarrassing to have noted in your coroner’s report. So please, friends, use your safewords.

p. 193 – Sarah Palin Rogue Warrior:

Okay, I’m hardly a fan of Sarah Palin, but there are just some things I wouldn’t wish on anybody.

(Then again, there’s still an audience for all these political spoof comics, so who am I to judge?)

p. 198 – Archie and Friends #143:

“Chuck, I feel that I have been ‘molded’ by your ‘dissing’ of me in your ‘gags.’ I believe you must ‘do me a solid’ and ‘own up’ to this offensive ‘burn.'”

“Sir, please, your slang usage is inhibiting our ability to communicate.”

p. 212 – Faith #1 Jesus Christ:

Man, these unauthorized biographies are getting way out of hand. Wait ’til Jesus’ lawyers hear about this!

p. 334 – Here is a little blurb beneath the Graphitti Designs listings:

“On Dec. 7th, our Violet Lantern T-shirt made its screen debut on CBS’s blockbuster series THE BIG BANG THEORY.”

And nobody watching the show, aside from the already-initiated, knew what it was. “Hey, cool starburst design. If I had any idea what it was called or where to get one, I could have a shirt like that, too!”

p. 337 – Zombie Shakespeare Alas Poor Yorick and Zombie Che Viva La Dead t-shirts:

Surely someone’s already drawn a connection between the fictional spread of the zombie plague and the real spread of the zombie fad. Except the fad seems even more insidious and widespread. At least the fictional version usually only spreads by bites and blood infection.

REMINDER: Previews regularly uses this slug on some of their listings:

p. 348 – Hellboy Fan Toffee Doll:

“…The Hellboy Fan Toffee Doll is something many a fan can related to, dressing up in their own unique style to emulate a character they love.”

So it’s a doll of someone dressing up as another character. It’s a cosplay doll. Okay, I know Captain Action did it, too, but I don’t know that the good captain was explicitly a fan of the characters he was dressing as. It’s…it’s just…look, I’m just going to say this is weird, and leave it at that, okay?

And don’t tell me this has been going for a while in Japan. I don’t want to know.

p. 361 – Achilles 1:5-Scale Statue:

“Dammit, this statue is broken by the foot, too! Well, pack it up and we’ll ship it back to the distributor.”

p. 361 – Phantom of the Opera Life-Size Resin Bust Kit:

You know, you really need one of those on a nightstand or a bureau right next to your bed, so that the Phantom’s comforting presence and gentle gaze are always nearby. And each morning, as your eyes slowly open and the sun’s warm glow peeks between your curtains, you can look up at your friend the Phantom and greet him as you begin your brand new day.

p. 362 – Arcade Mini-Bust:

So pal Dorian and I were discussing the Marvel bust line (insert joke about the White Queen statue on the same page of Previews here) and how it really seems to scrape the bottom of the barrel sometimes. I mean, a Magneto bust? Sure, okay. A Bi-Beast bust? Sales of that are going to depend on the Marvel bust completists more than some vast and silent network of Bi-Beast fans coming out from hiding to place their preorders.

Now, an Arcade bust seems to fall between the two extremes there…I’m sure there are plenty of Arcade fans out there, somewhere, and whether there is a large enough subset of those fans who are also buying statues to make a significant impact on this item’s sales, I have no idea. But then there’s the larger base of X-Men fans and completists, who will probably comprise the majority of sales, or at least match the folks who buy every bust, regardless of character.

Regardless of the reason, if you buy this bust, you’re going to have a guy that looks like that sitting on your mantelpiece. With that tie. That’s a decision only you can make.

I do like that metallic sphere base, though. That’s kinda neat.

p. 365 – Star Wars Animated Slave Leia Maquette:

“This version of Leia has been, by far, the most requested character in Gentle Giant’s Star Wars Animated series.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Wait, let me try to contain my surprise. Because seriously, I could have sworn the Ugnaught Animated Statue would have been, at the very least, neck and neck with the “Nearly Naked Strong Female Character Forced to Be in A Submissive Position” statue. Just goes to show you, man.

p. 374 – Creators Labo #24 Tsukasa Bullet – Compact Hog PVC Figure:

After all that build-up at the beginning about “naked Japanese girl statues,” I suppose I should throw one in here somewhere. Okay, she’s not naked, but does feature “such exquisite details from her helmet, shoulder armor, and leather outfit to her soft, supple flesh” so I guess this will do. Well, thank goodness her shoulder is armored. And is there a more flattering name than “Compact Hog?” I submit that there is not.

p. 382 – DC Comics Blackest Night Buttons:

I understand Marvel’s got a deal where if retailers send ’em fifty of these buttons, they’ll get one rare Deadpool pin in return.

p. 383 – Serenity Blue Sun Travel Poster Set 2:

Perfect for college students trying to out-obscure their roommates with posters they won’t know a damned thing about.

Marvel Previews p. 68 – X-Men Second Coming:

“Second Coming?” When have the X-Men ever been away long enough to have a second coming? Hell, the comic even went into reprints for a while in the early ’70s instead of getting canceled, so we couldn’t even get rid of them then.

On the other hand, maybe this is a crossover with that Faith comic book I noted above.

Marvel Previews p. 109 – Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk TPB:

For an authentic recreation of the story’s original telling, after reading chapter two put the book aside for about three years and read a bunch of other Wolverine and Hulk comics in the meantime.

…Yeah, yeah, cheap shot, I know. Hey, I’ll be making the same joke about my much-beloved All Star Batman soon enough.

It’s a brand new year, and a brand new bunch of items in the latest Previews catalog! Bust out your January 2010 edition, and follow me into…the future…as I take a look at the swell items coming soon to your local comic book store:

p. 26 – Free Comic Book Day 2010 Eco-Friendly Shopping Bags:

Perfect for hauling around your dead-tree funnybooks!

p. 64 – Capsule Assortments Marvel Figurines:

I’m okay with most of these, I suppose, but there’s something hideously wrong with the Thor one in the upper left. I don’t even know what’s going on there. Say, Thor, the giant helmet isn’t helping to hide your macrocephalic head, there.

p. 179 – Marvel Select Cyclops Action Figure:

“Now Mr. Summers, just apply these strawberry compresses for a half-hour every evening before bed, and those unsightly dark circles should begin to fade.”

p. 192 – Twi-Lit #1:

“When the vampires on campus would rather bake in their weed than drink blood, life is pretty mellow. Well, except for the occasional scraps with the werewolves, but as long as they vacuum up afterward, the vamps are cool with it. What’s worse is the furry fan down the hall who’s convinced he’s a werewolf, but isn’t. If the vampires didn’t need him to handle the UV lights for growing their stash (vaporized limbs are a real downer), they’d drain his blood like that…if they weren’t out getting more snack cakes for the munchies.”

Sounds like it hews more closely to traditional vampire legends than the actual Twilight novels.

Also, please note the lit cigarette “L” in the logo. Fantastic.

p. 196 – The Archie Wedding: Will You Marry Me? TPB:

It sorta looks like he’s looking out at the readers and asking them to marry him. “I’m totally done with Veronica and what’s-her-name, the blond one…I’m a’fixin’ to marry you!”

p. 316 – Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter HC:

I think my favorite part is when Spike and Angel are competing for Abe’s love.

p. 316 – The World of Warcraft Guide to Winning at Life SC:

“Step 1: Turn off the World of Warcraft game, go outside.”

p. 326 – Marvel 70th Anniversary Trading Cards:

This is probably just me, but when I come across the art cards drawn by Joe Pekar (as I have just recently processing some of them for the eBay) a small part of my mind keeps telling me they’re by Harvey Pekar, and just the very idea of Harvey Pekar sitting at his dinner table drawing sketch after sketch of Marvel characters amused me.

It doesn’t take much to amuse me, sometimes, I know.

p. 330 – Dark Knight at Heart t-shirt:

“Ma’am…I’m sorry, but I’m afraid the Batman bat emblem is sticking directly into his aorta. We must operate immediately.”

“Doctor, didn’t you do this exact same joke last time?”

“Ma’am, please…leave this to the experts.”

p. 331 – Undead Jay & Silent Bob t-shirt:

I see the Pop Culture Mixmaster has struck again, randomly slapping together two slightly past their sale date fads into one brand new exciting product!

p. 333- Star Wars Greedo Blueberry t-shirt:

On the other hand, speaking of “past the sale date,” this Greedo shirt has a charming simplicity to it. I can’t remember ever seeing just a plain ol’ Greedo shirt before. At long last, the Greedo fan base is being catered to.

p. 342 – The Smurfs Quick-Stepping Smurf Figure:

“Get down and funky with the grooviest Smurf ever – Quick-Steppin’ Smurf! He’s down with the lingo, he’s got all the moves, and he’ll smurf up the dance floor like no other Smurf!”

Okay, first…whose grandpa wrote that solicitation copy? And second, I’m assuming there’s a sound chip involved somewhere, which has me hoping there’s an option to have the Smurf sing the “la la lalala la la lala” bit from the cartoons. A whole room of these singing that Smurf refrain could quite possibly be the creepiest thing ever.

p. 346 – Obama 8-inch Plush:

I don’t know, man…just sayin’.

p. 346 – Sleepy Joe the Egg:

That’s almost like the barest minimum you’d require to make a brand new copyrightable character. I actually kind of admire that. “And here’s our other new character, ‘Finger Line Drawn in Sand!'”

p. 348 – Barbie Bond Girl Dolls:

Finally, my overly-airbushed fashion magazine cover model dolls have arrived!

p. 349 – Twilight New Moon Jacob Doll:

I’m assuming that they’re not even bothering to include a shirt with this doll.

p. 362 – Star Wars Jango Fett Scaled Helmet Replica:

Severed Jango Fett head not included.

p. 364 – World of Warcraft Wearable Tabards:

So close to World of Warcraft Snuggies. So close.

(Chainmail not included, by the way.)

p. 372 – Mickey Mouse & Minnie Mouse Be@rbrick Set:

Frankly, there’s not enough Night of the Living Mickey merchandise out there.

p. 372 – Wolverine & The X-Men Wolverine 1/2-Scale Bust:

NOTE: Not a sex toy.

p. 380 – KISS Commemorative Knives:

Some of you may remember this story I told way back when about my inadvertent offending of a KISS fan. Here’s how the story may have played out had KISS knives been available at the time:

…A customer brings up the newest issue of the “KISS” comic book and started talking to me about how great it is that there’s all this new KISS stuff coming out. I replied, absolutely without any malice, that it was very interesting that a band that was once big and popular could fade away for several years then come back so strongly.

The customer then got very angry with me, shook his finger at me and proclaimed “KISS NEVER FADED AWAY! THEY WERE ALWAYS POPULAR!” (STAB STAB STAB)

p. 381 – Personality Pose Pooh Figurine:

I could have gone my whole life without seeing Winnie-the-Pooh in paisley underpants.

THESE UNDERPANTS

ARE FILLED WITH POOH
I mean, those are underpants, right? Otherwise Winnie-the-Pooh is smearing his nether regions with honey and oh God my childhood is ruined.

Also, they might have been more careful about hyphenating the word “figurines.”

p. 385 – Giant Inflatable D20:

NOTE: Not a sex t…well, then again….

p. 391 – Cthulhu Dice:

I’m pretty sure this is exactly what H.P. Lovecraft hoped would result from his writings.

Marvel Previews p. 62 – Breaking into Comics the Marvel Way #1 & #2:

(Video not safe for work. Or maturity.)

Marvel Previews p. 108 – Avengers The Contest Premiere HC:

Oh, c’mon. I know there’s other stuff in it, but if you’re going to put out a hardcover edition of the Marvel Super-Hero Contest of Champions mini-series, an epic classic of incredibly dopey superhero comics, at least respect it enough to put the full name on the cover. I mean, honestly.

DELAYED BY ILLNESS, FORGED IN FIRE…it’s the latest installment of the End of Civilization, my nearly five-year-long series of poking through each new issue of the Diamond Previews catalog and pointing out wonderful items you should order in enormous quantities, preferably though me. So whip out your copy of the December 2009 edition and follow along:

p. 61 – Blackest Night #7:

There are six full pages in the Previews book that essentially look just like that. Wonder how many trees could have been saved by putting all six solicitations on one page and saying “look, we’re not going to show you the covers, so just order up, fanboy.”

p. 130 – True Blood Busts:

So Employee Aaron couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the solicit for these busts, especially since it was used on the cover, and he pretty much insisted this make an appearance in this month’s installment of EoC. Those would be the actors’ faces Photoshopped onto mock-ups of the statues, it appears. It’s a bit disturbing-looking.

BEHOLD:

For some reason I’m now imagining these busts with solid cast bodies and soft to the touch fleshy faces. That’d be weird.

p. 188 – President Evil Yes We Cannibal T-shirt:

So at what point do you think President Obama regretted ever admitting he was a comic book fan?

p. 188 – How to Draw Vampires:

1. Draw some pretentious guy (or gal).

2. Add pointy teeth.

3. Sprinkle some glitter (Twilight only).

4. Hide drawings in my tattered notebook and wish for a dark and mysterious creature of the night to come into my home and whisk me way into a foreboding yet romantic realm of forbidden desires. “COME WITH US, MIKE…JOIN THE BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF BLOOD AND FANG.”

5. Er…disregard that.

p. 306 – Kryptonian at Heart T-shirt:

“Ma’am…I’m sorry, but I’m afraid the Superman ‘S’ shield is sticking directly into his aorta. We must operate immediately.”

p. 309 – Super Trooper Red T-shirt:

Ever notice how Stormtroopers have little frowny-faces? “WHO’S A SAD CLONE?”

Also, does the red color of the shirt represent the blood of the countless victims crushed beneath the cruel heel of the despotic Empire? Do all the Star Wars aliens even have red blood? I bet there’s a website somewhere that’ll tell me. I bet Jawa blood looks like what you get when you squish a bug…all yellow and green and gooey.

p. 318 – Barbie Ladies of the ’80s: Debbie Harry and Joan Jett Dolls:

I’m pretty sure Joan Jett and Debbie Harry would’ve kicked Barbie’s plastic, copyright-stamped ass way back when.

However, if they’re taking suggestions for future Ladies of the ’80s, might I recommend Wendy O. Williams?

p. 323 – Living Dead Dolls Freddy Krueger 2010 Remake & A Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Mez-Itz Figure:

That’s what I want from my mass-murderer/child-killer toys: more cute.

p. 345 – Kubrick Disney Characters:

“This…this really hurts, guys. No, seriously, stop laughing, I’m not joking. I think my neck is very badly compressed. This isn’t funny. I need someone to take me to a doctor right away. Oh God the pain”

p. 346 – Kubrick Be@rbrick Series 19 Mini-figures:

“Captain…I have tried to assimilate myself into their culture by disguising myself as one of them, but they still reject me. I believe it is the fact that I appear to have four ears which repels them.”

p. 347 – Star Trek USS Enterprise USB Webcam:

You know, aside from warp drive and the transporter, a USB webcam is probably more technologically advanced than anything represented on the original show.

p. 350 – Star Wars R2-D2 Bobble Head:

What’s wrong with just making that a plain ol’ Artoo statue? Why make any part of it bobble at all? R2-D2 WILL NOT BOBBLE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, HU-MANS.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure his whole body bobbles, not his head, since giving R2 a giant headdome out of proportion to the rest of his body (like most other Bobbles) would be just this side of traumatizing.

p. 350 – Pac-Man Bonus Fruit Energy Drink:

I’d like to see a whole line of video game energy drinks. The Donkey Kong Flaming Barrel Energy Drink. The Defender Mutated Lander Energy Drink. The K.C. Munchkin Energy Drink That’s Entirely Different from the Pac-Man Energy Drink. The Crazy Climber Condor “Eggs” (wink) Energy Drink. The Wizard of Wor Thorwor Energy Drink.

I might have to pass on the Custer’s Revenge Engorged Arrow Energy Drink, however.

p. 355 – The Twilight Saga New Moon The Board Game:

“Whoever moons the most over the dreamy pictures of the cast wins!”

p. 357 – Star Wars R2-D2 Is in Trouble Board Game:

Given that R2 is the most competent character in the Star Wars saga, what kind of trouble is he going to get into that anyone else is going to get him out of? I mean, Jar Jar? Anakin? Threepio? C’mon.

Well, okay, maybe Chewie.

Marvel p. 20 – Deadpool Merc with a Mouth #7 2nd Printing Variant:

Oh, Rob Liefeld, you’re the gift that keeps on giving.

Marvel p. 24 – Ultimate Comics X #1:

“…The all-new ULTIMATE X ongoing bi-monthly series from the superstar dream team of JEPH LOEB and ART ADAMS.”

B…bi-monthly? Ongoing?

“But he’s got high hopes
He’s got high hopes
He’s got high apple pie in the sky hopes….”

Marvel p. 85 – Iron Man 2 Marvel Select War Machine Action Figure:

They tried to hide it, but obviously the big spoiler for Iron Man 2 is that Jim Rhodes is killed by a giant wrench to the head. Sorry, kids.

Hey gang…your pal Mike has been busy over the last week or so doing, you know, some stuff, so posting here has been a little thin for a while, and may continue to be so for a bit longer. I apologize, but it’s also cut into my End of Civilization prep time, so this one’s slightly truncated compared to previous installments. If I can, I’ll try to come back to this Nov. 2009 edition of Previews with some additional, non-EoC discussion, but for now…please enjoy these fine items selected from the pages of America’s Favorite Catalog That Doesn’t Have “Victoria” in the Title:

p. 129 – World of Warcraft Collectible Coin Sets:

There are two sets available, the “Horde” and the “Alliance,” and I think that’s the “Alliance” pictured there. These are replicas of the coins used in the video game, and a reminder of the real money you’ve spent playing for countless hours online and earning fake money.

p. 183 – Obamouse:

“The economy is crumbling like stale roquefort. We are at war with Owl Kaida, our soldiers being targeted by their traps, poisons and predators. When the nation, perhaps the whole world, needs change, one rodent steps forward to offer it: Barack Obamouse. But if his daring plans for the country are to succeed, he will have to win over his skeptic political rivals and countrymice, including Hen Beck, John McCrane, Sarah Penguin and Ratt Limbaugh!”

I am honestly at a loss for words.

p. 307 – Will Green Lantern T-shirt:

“Hi Will!”

“Huh?”

“I said ‘hi Will!’ That’s your name, right, on your shirt?”

“Er, no….”

“Oh. Who’s Will, then? Some rock star or something?”

“No, no…it’s a shirt about Green Lantern. You know, the superhero.”

“Oh, yeah, sure, I loved Green Hornet. His real name’s Will? I thought it was Van Williams.”

“No, you see, there are lots of different colored Lanterns, each representing a different part of the emotional spectrum. The Yellow Lanterns are ‘fear,’ the Red Lanterns are ‘rage,’ and the Green Lanterns are ‘will.'”

“Um…is ‘will’ an emotion?”

“Okay, look, I’m taking off the shirt. See? I’m no longer wearing the shirt. Stop talking to me.”

p. 315 – Battlestar Galactica Series 4 Action Figure Assortment:

BEHOLD

THE OLMUSTACHE
p. 332 – Herbie the Love Bug “Tooned Up” Maquette:

For some reason this “tooned up” version of a car disturbs me more deeply than the “tooned up” human statues do. Probably only a matter of time ’til someone builds a life-size drivable replica of this hideous distortion.

Shorter, more jokey: “Look out for that black hole, Herbie!”

p. 332 – Super Goof Mini-Maquette:

That there now exists (or will soon, anyway) a Super Goof statue reignites my faith in the human spirit. Perhaps I should change the title of these posts to “The Rebirth of Civilization!”

p. 338 – Iron Man Movie Arc Reactor Prop Replica:

On second thought, belay that name change. Of all the neat things in Iron Man, this is the prop replica they wanted. Huh. Plus, it’s already engraved, which totally screws up my plans to have it engraved myself before using it for wedding gift.

p. 344 – Lightsaber Chopstick Sets:

“First unveiled at San Digeo Comic-Con 2009 where fans got to compete in chopstick competitions against real-life 501st Stormtroopers….”

They’re stormtrooper-approved, kids!

Looking at the fingers touching the “laser blades” in this pic strikes me as oddly unnerving. “AUGH MY FINGERTIPS”

Anyway, let me know when they develop actual mini working lightsabers I can use to cut steak. That’s what I’d be interested in.

p. 359 – Star Trek Starfleet Logo Flask:

Just like the one that one guy who played Enterprise Guard #3 occasionally sneaks drinks from while he’s killing time between customers at the autograph show.

Also, if this were actual Starfleet branded material (yeah, I know, work with me here), does this mean Starfleet is encouraging its forces to carry around their own source of emergency sauce? Or maybe Scotty just knocked out a one-off of these during a downtime in Engineering, while he was feeling a bit cheeky. And drunk.

p. 359 – Star Wars Darth Vader Helmet Clock Radio:

Lucasfilm’s continuing efforts to strip poor ol’ Darth of any menace or tragic dignity continue apace. Apparently the end of Revenge of the Sith wasn’t enough.

That said, I totally want one of these.

p. 361 – World of Warcraft Leather Wallets:

Hey, something to keep your non-legal tender WoW coins in.

p. 361 – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies Journal:

One should probably take actual previous diary entries and transfer them to this new journal, and, like the book the journal’s based on, rewrite your entries to include zombies. “Today, Jeremy asked me to the Spring Formal, just before he was attacked by a zombie. He fought valiantly, and after seemingly hours of battle, he emerged victorious, safely free of any infecting bites. So I said yes.”

NOTE: would probably really worry nosy moms.

They said it couldn’t be done! Well, actually, they said it shouldn’t be done, but why split hairs? Anyway, it’s a new installment of The End of Civilization, and if you want to follow along in your own copy of the Diamond Previews catalog, just make sure it’s the October 2009 edition and jump aboard the EoC Express!

p. 125 – Gotham City Stories Part 2 – Catwoman:

…And as you can see, there are a couple of designs in the set, made for desktop or wall display. And, if you’re going to have a Bat-thingie that looks like a window with various characters poking through, I’m going to want one that commemorates this event:

p. 197 – Betty & Veronica #245:

I have to admit, some of these covers become a heck of a lot funnier if you pretend the Archie/Veronica marriage story is in official Archie continuity (such as it is).

p. 272 – Luke Skywalker Tatooine Ultimate Quarter Scale Figure:

“So, what’cha been up to?”

“Oh, you know, making movies, got engaged to that gal from Ally McBeal.”

“Whoa, no way.”

“Hey, what’ve you been up to?”

“I was the voice of the Joker!”

“Now that’s pretty awesome. …Say, want to go for a ride in my helicopter?”

“Boy, do I!”

(“MOM! I think there’s something wrong with the sound chips in my Luke and Han figures!”)

p. 317 – You Can Do A Graphic Novel TP:

To be followed by Now That I’ve Seen Your Graphic Novel, Perhaps I May Have Been Too Hasty in My Original Assertion.

p. 346 – Charlie’s Angels Kelly Doll Gift Set:

“Angels, now that you’ve donned your disguises, it’s time for you to begin your undercover mission…to capture Roman Polanski!“

“You got it, Charlie!”

p. 347 – YHWH by Mark Ryden Vinyl Figure:

Now I’m not going to make fun of this particular item…it’s not anything I’d buy for myself, but it’s certainly creepily odd and I can dig that.

But the solicitation/sales pitch is awesome:

Now I feel guilty about not buying it.

p. 356 – Star Wars Darth Vader Robotic Arm:

It’s not a statue, but an arm you can move around with built-in controls and, you know, pick up stuff. Lightweight stuff. Presumably unable to project the Dark Side of the Force to choke lippy underlings.

Will make a nice Life Day gift for the fans of Darth Vader’s arm in your life.

p. 356 – Star Wars Jedi Telescope:

“This 3-in-1 electronic talking telescope does more than reveal the wonders of the night sky; the user can also dial-up 10 backlit images of Star Wars planets and ships so you can see the wonders of the Star Wars universe amidst our own skies. Plus, with a built-in sound chip, you can hear authentic Star Wars sounds as you explore the cosmos.”

“I believe I have found more satellites around Jupiter! Whaddya think of that, Jar Jar?”

“Meesa think ‘Europa’ would be a good name, Galileo!”

p. 376 – Ikki Tousen Great Guardians Kanu Unchou “Pink Ribbon Lingerie” PVC Figurine:

“Everyone’s favorite battling vixen, Kanu Unchou of Ikki Tousen Great Guardians, finds herself in a compromising position as she’s caught in nothing but her underwear – hosiery on her legs, lacey armlets around her biceps, a whisper of frilly underwear, and a thick, pink ribbon that covers her bosom and terminates in a bow on the front. Think of it as a kind of gift, the kind of gift you can unwrap.”

“Think of it as a kind of gift, the kind of gift you can unwrap.”

Just thought that was worth repeating.

p. 379 – Fraulein Revoltech Queen’s Blade Melona Action Figure:

“Using an innovative and newly developed joint/body system known as ‘E.L.F.,’ these figures can demonstrate a large variety of realistic poses.”

Why, that doesn’t sound like anything that’s going to be abused. Also, are those tentacles coming out of her breasts? What’s going on there?

EDIT: It’s far worse than I imagined.

p. 385 – Blood Energy Potion:

I don’t mean to just keep quoting the solicitation texts of some of these items, but seriously:

“The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency of blood. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste!”

…how can you top that?

p. 386 – Hulk Vintage Marvel Journal:

“DEAR DIARY,

“Hulk glad to have classy book to put innermost thoughts in. Hulk think a lot, about puny humans, and about fighting army in desert.

“Uh…that’s it for now. Hulk write more later.

“Love, Hulk”

Marvel Previews p. 47 – Spider-Woman #4:

Sometimes you can pretend those drawings of superheroines aren’t just nekkid girls with costumes colored on and minor costuming details, like wrinkles and cufflines, drawn in.

And sometimes you can’t.

Marvel Previews p. 63 – Cable The Long Way Home Checklist:

This is probably the shortest crossover checklist I’ve ever seen. Wonder if Marvel will put out an in-store postcard giveaway for this, too.

I also wonder if they could manage a shorter checklist?

Hey, look, it’s a new issue of Diamond Previews…the September 2009 edition, in fact! Come along with me as I point out some items of note. If you’d like, you can find links to previous installments in the sidebar somewhere.

Well, let’s see what’s being unleashed upon us this time around:

p. 130 – Women of the DC Universe Series 3 Batgirl Bust:

“…This rendering of Barbara Gordon as Batgirl, as the heroine dances the Watusi.”

The Watusi. The Watusi. You cultureless heathens, surely you must recognize the beauty of the Batusi:

p. 136 – Image United #1 [of 6]:

“You can’t miss this historic event as the original Image Founders draw all the characters they made history with. Each page is an amazing jam piece….”

I read that, and all I can think, however unfairly, is “latest…comic…ever.“

Also, somewhere Jim Lee is thinking “I didn’t want to go to their lousy party anyway.”

p. 190 – Sherlock Ninja:

This month’s installment of End of Civilization contains three images that will unbalance your mind, make you question the nature of existence, and undermine any belief you may have in a loving almighty being. This is the first.

That said, given my love for peculiar permutations of Sherlock Holmes, I’ll probably give this a look. I mean, how could I not?

p. 196 – Archie & Friends #137:

“Archie Babies.” Really. (This is the second of the three disturbing images.)

Also, to build upon Employee Timmy’s idea, surely someday we shall see X-Babies Vs. Muppet Babies Vs. Archie Babies.

p. 348 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fugitoid Collector Figure:

Seriously, Fugitoid. Coming shortly after the debut of the Turtles themselves, this comic appears to have been ordered in large numbers by many stores at the time, perhaps in the expectation of another TMNT-like success story.

Well, um, didn’t quite turn out that way, though the character popped up in cartoons and another comic or two. But this original Fugitoid mag is one of those things that turns up in collections all the time. Seems like anyone buying comics in the mid ’80s picked up a copy (or three) of this. Hell, I have one. Even if you weren’t buying comics at the time, you probably have one in your collection. You might not even know it. I’m pretty sure they just spontaneously generate in one of your boxes once you acquire a certain number of comics.

In conclusion: a new Fugitoid figure. Huh. Neat.

p. 348 – Smurfs Urban Vinyl Figures:

Okay, at 6 inches tall they’re not quite the required “three apples high” to be “life-sized,” but, you know, they’re close. You can buy a bunch of these and set up your very own Smurf village in your living room. Then you can put on your Gargamel costume and pretend to chase the Smurfs around and…um, perhaps I’ve said too much.

p. 348 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Original Party Van:

Okay, that does look pretty rad (“rad” being the preferred term when describing something sufficiently gnarly from the 1980s), but you know what makes this a totally awesome party van?

MOUNTED GUNS. Oh, yeah!

p. 360 – Star Wars Mustafar Volcano Lab:

Surely one could have believed that the time-honored messy volcano “science project,” as seen in many a sitcom, could evade the Star Wars merchandising juggernaut, but no.

p. 364 – Aliens 1/1-Scale Lifesize Chestburster Bust:

At last, a little decor for the dinner table. All I need is a prone and gutted 1/1-Scale Lifesize John Hurt Statue for this to rest in, and I’ll be set.

p. 383 – Taki Corporation Collection: Ikki Tousen Nurse Uniformed Figures:

It appears the ceilings are mighty low in this hospital.

p. 385 – Spongebob Squarepants 400 Percent Be@rbrick:

This is the third of the three disturbing images. You’ll be seeing him again…in your dreams.

p. 385 – Star Trek The Original Series The Communicator VOIP Internet Phone:

In case you didn’t feel quite nerdy enough chatting with friends over the internet. Anyway, we’re one step closer to having an actual, honest-to-Roddenberry Star Trek cell phone that looks like the original communicators. (I know some Trek-themed cell phones have been released…but I can’t find any that look like those in the above picture. Am I missing them?)

Marvel Previews p. 3 – Marvelman by Joe Quesada Poster:

“Hi, kids! Miracl…er, Marvelman here. You’ll be seeing and hearing a lot about me in the months to come, while me ‘n’ the gang at the House of Ideas get a few more problems straightened out. In the meantime, enjoy my poster…put me up next to that Spawn/Miracleman poster you own, next to your display of the Miracleman action figures and statues. I’ll look great there! And, someday, you’ll have comics to put with your collection, too! Oh, boy, I can’t wait to team up with Wolverine, or join the New Avengers!

“Anyway, buy my poster, and I’ll see you soon. Thanks, pals! –MM”

p. 62 – Deadpool Team-Up #899:

Oh, good, a third ongoing Deadpool series. Hey, if we cut that goose open, we’ll get at those golden eggs even faster!

Oh, good gravy, it’s that time again, when I poke through the latest issue of Diamond Previews and see what wonders await within. There’s a lot of good stuff in this issue, in fact (Complete Bloom County? What manner of sorcery is this?), but that can wait for another time. Until then, crack open your August 2009 Previews catalog and follow along with me as I take a gander at the goofy stuff. (And check out previous installments, linked in the sidebar somewhere.)

p. 128 – Catwoman (Classic) 1:6 Scale Deluxe Collector Figure:

For some reason it looks like it’s based on a Jim Balent design to me…not quite sure why, can’t exactly put my finger on it….

p. 171 – Witchblade #131:

So I guess it’s a big secret who the new Witchblade is going to be. There are so many well-rounded characters to choose from….

(Yes, that was two breast jokes in a row. I’m not proud.)

p. 201 – Archie #602:

This is part 3 of the “Future Archie Marries Future Veronica” story arc, and included in the solicitation is the absolutely last thing I’ve ever wanted to read in a description of an Archie story:

“Can Archie get through Lamaze class without causing a commotion? Can he make it through the actual birth without full-scale panic?”

Those two lines have upset the natural order of the world. Brother turns upon brother. Fire rains from the sky.

p. 217 – Tribute: Michael Jackson, King of Pop:

I was wondering who’d be first out the gate with a Michael Jackson tribute comic. Sorry Antarctic, IDW, looks like Bluewater beat you out. (I’m wondering if anyone will reprint that Captain Eo comic…dude, Tom Yeates art!)

p. 217 – Vincent Price Presents Special: The Tingler #2:

No idea how I missed #1 last time. Anyway, I wonder if there’s a way to randomly include electric buzzers to deliver a mild shock in copies of this comic? “Huh, that’s funny…this copy of The Tingler #2 has a giant bump and a bunch of wires under this endpaper glued into the inside back cover…I wonder whOW DAMMIT”

p. 254 – Stephen King & Peter Straub’s The Talisman #0:

Okay, I realize the pic is only symbolic, representing a full novel and not an actual image of the final printed comic, but it’s still amusing to see this:

…with this description:

Wow, those are some thick pages, apparently.

p. 327 – Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters SC:

Ah, from the “Hoping Lightning Strikes Twice” publishing library. When Pride and Prejudice and Zombies came out, we were making up our own “…and Zombies” books at the shop. Like A Tale of Two Cities, and Zombies. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…and there were zombies.” It’s fun, try it at home.

p. 348 – Zombie “Evolution” Black Glow-in-the-Dark Shirt:

I am terribly offended by the inclusion of such secular teachings in this issue of Previews. I must insist in the interest of academic freedom that the presentation of intelligent zombie design also be included.

p.349 – Doctor Who: The Tenth Doctor’s Coat and Serenity: Malcolm Reynold’s Browncoat:

I don’t really have a joke here…just a story pal Dorian and Employee Aaron related to me from their San Diego Comic Con experience, which I was reminded of when seeing the Who jacket solicited right next to the Firefly movie jacket.

Anyway, Dor and Aaron (and Employee Timmy and pal Dana, who’d get mad if I don’t mention them, too) attended Sunday’s Doctor Who panel, which included the show’s star David Tennant. When the panel started taking questions from the audience, the first question to Mr. Tennant was the following (paraphrased):

“Was your decision to wear the trenchcoat as the Doctor meant to be a tribute to the Firefly tv show?”

According to Aaron, Mr. Tennant did briefly pull the “are you kidding me?” face, but answered very diplomatically, stating that he simply told the producers he had wanted to wear a long coat as part of the costume, and that was that.

Not sure what that teaches us, other than some folks just gotta find connections between everything.

By the way, the Doctor’s jacket is $300, and the Serenity jacket is $350. In case you want to save up.

p. 356 – Star Trek Kirk vs Gorn AF Two-Pack:

You know, when I was a kid, I had the Mego Star Trek figures, and the Gorn I owned looked nothing like the television show’s Gorn. You kids today, you’ve got it easy.

But then again, I don’t remember ever really being bothered that my toy Gorn looked different from TV Gorn. I guess I was able to manage.

p. 370 – Mr. Potato Head KISS Collector Set:

For some reason I’m now picturing the actual members of KISS applying their make-up via plastic pieces on posts jammed into holes in their faces. That’s just how tough they are, maaaaan.

p. 406 – The Big Lebowski: The Dude Wig & Goatee Set:

With minor alteration, will also round out your Charles Manson costume for this Halloween.

p. 410 – Obama Change Bust Bank:

Now, they tell me this bank was manufactured in America, but until we see the long-form factory manifests, how can any of us be sure? Just what are you hiding, Mr. Obama Change Bust Bank?

p. 411 – A Charlie Brown Christmas Nativity Set:

Until today I’ve never thought of Woodstock as a Christ figure. Would that make Snoopy God? How does Charlie Brown fit into this? …Clearly Lucy is the Devil. Or maybe the Cat Next Door.

p. 423 – Munchkin Halloween Chibithulhu Plush:

Aren’t they running out of holidays for these cutesy themed Cthulhu dolls? Have they done Arbor Day yet? National Secretary’s Day? Hanukkah?

Marvel Previews p. 51 – Marvel Zombies: Evil Evolution:

So the cover is too shocking to show in the catalog from which we need to make our orders, but apparently we’re expected to display on the rack once we get them. Okay.

Next time, just tell us the cover art wasn’t ready at press time.

p. 101 – The Thing: Project Pegasus Premiere HC:

A long time ago, one of Marvel’s earliest trade paperbacks was a collection of these same Marvel Two-in-One issues for…I don’t know, $6.95 or something. And as I recall, there was a lot of grief in the fan press at the time about Marvel unloading unnecessary and expensive reprint collections into the marketplace, some of it specifically in reaction to that original Project Pegasus book. Wonder what those people would have said if you told them that, someday, that very book would be a $25 hardcover.

Probably the same thing they would have said if you told them about $3.99 monthly comics.

A tip o’the toupee to Chris Sims for some production assistance. Hint: it was a breast joke.

Say, friend! Are you feeling down in the dumps? Has the world beat you down? Are you on your last legs? Well, follow along with me as I go through the July 2009 edition of Diamond Previews and examine many items of interest, and we’ll see if we can’t finish you off once and for all! (And if that doesn’t work, there are over 50 previous installments of End of Civilization linked in the sidebar!)

p. 138 – Bomb Queen VI #1:

While personally I think the premise presented for this particular comic provides an amusing contrast to the Obama-exploitathon in other titles, I’m wondering what’s going to be the final straw…the one that finally gets a comment and/or a condemnation from the White House. You know, like “C’mon, guys, lay off, will ya? What’s next, a comic about the President’s do –“

p.211 – Puppy Power: Bo Obama:

“…Oh.”

p. 344 – Black Lantern t-shirts:

I picture these as being very worrying to the uninitiated. “Oh, look, Henry, that young man is wearing a shirt that just says ‘Death.’ Don’t make eye-contact…don’t make eye-contact!”

p. 347 – I Only Read Graphic Novels Black T-shirt:

Let the world at large know that you’re a comic fan of discerning taste, preferring your illustrated storytelling in larger doses, that you’re not going to be beholden to a monthly schedule enforced by the publishers-that-be.

Or, in short, that you’re still a dork. Hey, own your dorkiness, my friends.

p. 356 – Beverley Hills Cops Minimates Box Set:

This item will probably pull a larger profit than Mr. Murphy’s last film.

p. 361 – Indiana Jones Room Booby Trap:

“Use a latched and spring-loaded Mayan idol to shower intruders with realistic plastic bugs from atop your door, or encounter a [sic] idol which launches darts at intruders.”

Well, I suppose those are okay as traps go…if you’re some kind of wimp. Wake me when this company markets something that’ll let me do this:

p. 362 – [OFFERED AGAIN] The Spirit Movie 12-inch Deluxe Figure:

I suspect this figure is going to be OFFERED AGAIN in future catalogs for some time to come.

p. 364 – Star Wars The Force Trainer:

“As you concentrate, beta waves are generated. This information is translated in the headset into a digital signal and sent to the training tower, causing the training remote to rise and fall.”

Hopefully this won’t cause unrealistic expectations in any impressionable children:

“Little Billy…? What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to use my Force Powers to bring the TV remote control from the other side of the room to me.”

“Um, Little Billy…there’s no such thing as the Force.”

“B-but I mastered the Force Trainer…! Are you telling me it’s all a lie? THE TOY LIED TO ME!?”

…Okay, that’s a long way to go for not much of a joke. Here’s the alternate: “TOTALLY NOT A BONG.” There, it’s funnier because it’s shorter and it’s about bongs.

p. 370 – Alien 1/1-Scale Lifesize Bust:

It’s a thousand bucks, but I won’t lie…if I had more money than I knew what to do with, I’d totally buy one of these. Hell, I’d buy two and use them as armrests on my custom-made couch.

p. 371 – Battlestar Galactica Little Frakkin’ Toaster Cylon Maquette:

I never not replace, in my head, every usage of the term “frak” with the actual vulgarity it’s replacing whenever I hear or see it. “Yeah, here’s this little f[beep!]ing Cylon thing…whatever, man.”

p. 378 – Terminator 25th Anniversary Jacket:

I was going to say “oh, like anyone’s going to see you wearing this jacket and say ‘hey, that’s just like the jacket in the Terminator movie!'” — but then I realized, yeah, someone probably would. Some people are pretty scary.

p. 378 – Star Wars Darth Maul 1/6-Scale Holographic Bust:

Perhaps it’s just a bad photo, or that it’s just hard to photograph, or that it looks better when the internal light is turned on, but as it is now, it looks like there’s been an accident in the molding process.

p. 394 – Watchmen Be@rbricks 400/100 Percent Set:

So you get a little version and a version four times the size, but I think, regardless of size, they are all equally able to cause Alan Moore a conniption. (I do like the blood-splat over where the bear’s eye would be.)

p. 400 – Star Trek Pon Farr Perfume for Women:

“Sharp and aggressive, exotic yet simple, Pon Farr will drive him crazy with blood lust.”

This is just slightly worrying. Anyway, I don’t really have any more jokes about Star Trek perfumes (after the last batch)…mostly I’m just amazed this even exists.

p. 403 – Star Wars Back Buddies: Darth Vader:

And now…the Saddest Darth Vader of Them All:

“Won’t somebody [HAAAH-PURRRR] wuuuuuv me?”

a tip o’the toupee to Bully the Little Stuffed Bull for the Indy still

It’s again time to peek through the new Diamond Previews catalog and look for unique items of wonderment and magic…follow along in the June 2009 edition, if you’d like. And, as always, previous entries are linked in the sidebar.

p. 124-5 – Blammoids:

What th–?

No, seriously, what the hell are these things?

AAAAAAAAAAH
p. 130 – Supergirl Mini Neon Sign:

Oh, sure, it looks just like Superman’s regular emblem, only this one’s pink, the color most associated with his cousin Superg…hmm? What’s that? Oh. Okay, lemme start again. It may look just like Superman’s regular emblem, but this one is colored pink because Supergirl is a big ol’ girl and that’s the color girls get. So there.

p. 191 – Archie #600:

So you see, this story where Archie proposes to Veronica takes place in the near future, post-college, an era that the regular running-in-place Archie books will never, ever reach. If this does get any kind of real world media coverage, the kind that brings out the magpies, I am going to be explaining repeatedly why this doesn’t mean Archie is actually married (assuming a marriage does happen in this story) from here on out.

p. 328 – Wolverine “Mutant Love” Blue T-shirt / Spider-Man “Love” White T-shirt:

So the plain vanilla “Love” shirt is for you staid, boring folks…but if you’re ever looking for a little something…weirder, a little kinkier…well, brother, have we got the “Mutant Love” shirt for you.

Okay, I have no idea what I’m even going on about.

p. 340 – Barbie Harley Davidson Doll:

There now exists official Barbie-sized “pink faux leather chaps.” No longer do I have to make my own!

p. 340 – Barbie Halloween Treat Doll:

Combine this with a complete set of Harry Potter books for an all-purpose witchery-themed gift package. Satan will be pleased!

p. 346 – Living Dead Dolls Pencil Topper:

In case you were concerned that your kid wasn’t presenting enough reasons to worry to school officials, these should probably do the trick.

p. 356 – Friday the 13th Jason Voorhees Ring:

I know people for whom this would be a perfectly acceptable wedding ring.

p. 358 – Bi-Beast Mini-Bust:

Only noted here because at work I kept referring to this as the “Bi-Beast Bi-Bust,” which I thought was funny, anyway.

p. 364 – Star Wars Oola Mini-Bust:

Terrible, terrible things are going to be happening to these busts once they get into the fans’ hands. Unspeakable things. Wet things.

p. 382 – Star Wars Slave Leia Secret Wishes Costume:

Seems to me that most people’s “secret wishes” regarding this costume really aren’t all that secret. Including, I think, the secret wishes of the person wearing the costume. (“My eyes are up here, fanboy.”)

p. 382 – Star Wars Jabba the Hutt Supreme Edition Costume:

Comes with “a battery-operated fan to keep you cool,” according to the solicitation text. And believe you me, that’s the only way you’re going to be cool if you’re wearing this costume.

p. 385 – Resident Evil Outbreak Mints:

“…Filled with .6 ounces of mints that will keep zombie breath at bay.”

I don’t even know what to say to that.

Marvel Previews p. 18 – Punisher Noir #1:

If it’s one thing the Punisher franchise needed, it’s to be made darker and grittier.

Marvel Previes p. 24 – Amazing Spider-Man #602:

In this issue, Mary Jane has been replaced with a giant plastic doll (as seen above). Will Peter notice?

Marvel Previews p. 83 – Marvel Masterworks Deathlok Vol. 1 HC:

Now, the easy joke at this point is “well, I guess Marvel has run out of other titles to give the Masterworks treatment.” I don’t want to do that, but…I don’t know…Deathlok? As a Masterworks? Really?

p.113 – Marvel Bromance TPB :

“Marvel’s greatest buddies take the spotlight in this one-of-a-kind collection, and it’s male bonding like you’ve never seen – as Cable and Deadpool swap stories, Wonder Man and the Beast share a plane ride….”

I believe it was pal Dorian who observed that once Marvel got their hands on this particular term “bromance,” that means it’s likely near the end of its life cycle. We can only hope.

“HUMANS! Galactus must FEED upon the life force of worlds for sustenance, but must not expend any more energy than necessary in conquering those worlds for consumption. My herald upon your world, the Silver Sterling, has spent the past 50 months examining your world’s cultural artifacts and sending his reports to me…and it’s become increasingly clear that your world will pose NO difficulty for me to consume.

“You can examine my herald’s previous reports in the links present in the sidebar of this primitive communications medium. His current report, taken from your Earth publication Diamond Previews, of the Earth date May 2009, begins NOW. So says GALACTUS.”

p. 129 – The Dark Knight 1:6 Scale Joker (Gotham City Police):

Commemorating that approximately 1 second of screentime Heath Ledger had in this particular costume.

p. 168 – Beserker #2:

“As seen on the Today Show” — by no one who’s actually going to buy the book. (Well, okay, that’s not fair…there are always some people that’ll buy anything they’ve seen on TV, whether or not it’s something they’re likely to enjoy.)

p. 189 – President Evil one-shot:

Okay, it’s great people are excited about our President, and that comic publishers have discovered that slapping Obama on a cover is a good way to grab sales…but seriously, enough is enough. I’m hoping for a “Sub-Mariner Meets President Taft” special just to mix it up a bit.

p. 196 – Archie Double Digest #200:

“Archie’s dad receives the promotion he’s worked a lifetime for, but it comes at a price: the family must relocate and leave Riverdale! […] It’s the most poignant ‘New Look’ story yet.”

I’m pretty sure we’ve seen this story a number of times in Archie comics before. Then again, you can say that about pretty much any Archie story. Then again, you can say that about pretty much any story in any long-running comic book. Well, maybe not this story, but you know what I mean.

p. 210 – Female Force #5:

Okay, we’ve had five issues of origin stories for Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Michelle Obama, and so on…I’m getting a little impatient for the Female Force superteam to finally form and start fighting crime together. I mean, c’mon.

p. 333 – Batman Brave and the Bold T-Shirt:

Tying into the popular children‘s cartoon. Shirts available in Adult Medium through XXL.

p. 346 – Star Trek TOS Series 5 PX Salt Vampire:

I’ve been trying to come up with something to say about the Salt Vampire figure other than “OOH AWESOME,” which is just sad so perhaps I should just move on.

p. 352 – The Exorcist Possessed Regan Electronic Deluxe Box Set:

There’s a crucifix joke in here somewhere, but I ain’t gonna make it.

p. 374 – Walt Disney Classics Collection Runaway Brain Figurines:

Now, I know this is based on a specific, relatively recent animated short, but still:

GAH.

p. 378 – Batroc Mini-Bust:

If ever a bust cried out for a full-figure statue, it’s Batroc. A statue of him in mid-leap, along with a sound chip containing readings of choice bits of his dialogue in an over-the-top French accent. That’s how you make Fine Art even finer, my friends.

p. 380 – Thor The Frog God of Thunder Mini-Bust:

And now…the greatest Marvel statue ever made:

p. 384 – Star Wars Chess Set:

Not shown is the Jar Jar Binks piece, that occasionally pops up and completely disrupts the game and generally makes everyone miserable.

p. 384 – Star Wars Legacy Darth Talon Mini-Bust:

Remember back when Star Wars was this mostly sexless thing? I miss those days. (And don’t throw Slave Leia in my face..er, so to speak. That never really did anything for me. Heresy, I know.)

p. 401 -Sif Ex Ikki Tousen Sonsaku Fighting Repaint Figure:

I’m assuming the panties haven’t been repainted.

p. 410 – Watchmen Be@rbricks 3-Pack:

Oh, dear…you may wish to avert your eyes:

Good God in heaven. Dig this Comedian:

That’s like the worst Mouseketeer ever.

Those do have the effect of making the plain vanilla Watchmen Kubricks a little more acceptable:

p. 412 – Land of the Lost Chaka Funko Force Bobble Head:

As much of a Land of the Lost fan that I am, I’m gonna have to draw the line here, I think.

p. 413 – Star Trek Romulan Ale Energy Drink:

I don’t know, man…the last thing you want to deal with is a wired Romulan, I tell you what.

p. 415 – Robin Secret Wishes costume:

This should awaken some new feelings in a few people. Also, I realize “Secret Wishes” is a brand name, but my initial reaction to seeing that is “what are they saying about Bruce, exactly?” Yeah, I know, a “Batman is totally gay” joke, I’m sorry.

p. 416 – Bizarro Deluxe Mask:

This is honestly far more terrifying than it has any reason to be. Casts a new light on those wacky Silver Age Bizarro stories.

p. 418 – Stargate SG-1 Coaster Set:

This seems clever and yet strangely…diminishing, for some reason.

p. 420 – Disney Traditions Mickey and Minnie Kissing Figurine:

Man…furries, I swear.

Marvel p. 3 – Reborn #1:

“Solicit to be revealed soon,” says the spot where the solicitation information should be. Totally not involving the return of the currently presumed dead Captain America, or totally not trying to make you think it involves the return of said dead Cap.

p. 103 – Mephisto Vs. Premiere HC:

This series gets the deluxe hardcover treatment. Really. Well, okay, there’s some nice John Buscema art, but…c’mon, you’re surprised by this book, aren’t you? It’s not just me?