Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ October 1st, 2009 § Filed under End of Civilization Comments Off on Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

They said it couldn’t be done! Well, actually, they said it shouldn’t be done, but why split hairs? Anyway, it’s a new installment of The End of Civilization, and if you want to follow along in your own copy of the Diamond Previews catalog, just make sure it’s the October 2009 edition and jump aboard the EoC Express!

p. 125 – Gotham City Stories Part 2 – Catwoman:

…And as you can see, there are a couple of designs in the set, made for desktop or wall display. And, if you’re going to have a Bat-thingie that looks like a window with various characters poking through, I’m going to want one that commemorates this event:

p. 197 – Betty & Veronica #245:

I have to admit, some of these covers become a heck of a lot funnier if you pretend the Archie/Veronica marriage story is in official Archie continuity (such as it is).

p. 272 – Luke Skywalker Tatooine Ultimate Quarter Scale Figure:

“So, what’cha been up to?”

“Oh, you know, making movies, got engaged to that gal from Ally McBeal.”

“Whoa, no way.”

“Hey, what’ve you been up to?”

“I was the voice of the Joker!”

“Now that’s pretty awesome. …Say, want to go for a ride in my helicopter?”

“Boy, do I!”

(“MOM! I think there’s something wrong with the sound chips in my Luke and Han figures!”)

p. 317 – You Can Do A Graphic Novel TP:

To be followed by Now That I’ve Seen Your Graphic Novel, Perhaps I May Have Been Too Hasty in My Original Assertion.

p. 346 – Charlie’s Angels Kelly Doll Gift Set:

“Angels, now that you’ve donned your disguises, it’s time for you to begin your undercover mission…to capture Roman Polanski!

“You got it, Charlie!”

p. 347 – YHWH by Mark Ryden Vinyl Figure:

Now I’m not going to make fun of this particular item…it’s not anything I’d buy for myself, but it’s certainly creepily odd and I can dig that.

But the solicitation/sales pitch is awesome:

Now I feel guilty about not buying it.

p. 356 – Star Wars Darth Vader Robotic Arm:

It’s not a statue, but an arm you can move around with built-in controls and, you know, pick up stuff. Lightweight stuff. Presumably unable to project the Dark Side of the Force to choke lippy underlings.

Will make a nice Life Day gift for the fans of Darth Vader’s arm in your life.

p. 356 – Star Wars Jedi Telescope:

“This 3-in-1 electronic talking telescope does more than reveal the wonders of the night sky; the user can also dial-up 10 backlit images of Star Wars planets and ships so you can see the wonders of the Star Wars universe amidst our own skies. Plus, with a built-in sound chip, you can hear authentic Star Wars sounds as you explore the cosmos.”

“I believe I have found more satellites around Jupiter! Whaddya think of that, Jar Jar?”

“Meesa think ‘Europa’ would be a good name, Galileo!”

p. 376 – Ikki Tousen Great Guardians Kanu Unchou “Pink Ribbon Lingerie” PVC Figurine:

“Everyone’s favorite battling vixen, Kanu Unchou of Ikki Tousen Great Guardians, finds herself in a compromising position as she’s caught in nothing but her underwear – hosiery on her legs, lacey armlets around her biceps, a whisper of frilly underwear, and a thick, pink ribbon that covers her bosom and terminates in a bow on the front. Think of it as a kind of gift, the kind of gift you can unwrap.”

“Think of it as a kind of gift, the kind of gift you can unwrap.”

Just thought that was worth repeating.

p. 379 – Fraulein Revoltech Queen’s Blade Melona Action Figure:

“Using an innovative and newly developed joint/body system known as ‘E.L.F.,’ these figures can demonstrate a large variety of realistic poses.”

Why, that doesn’t sound like anything that’s going to be abused. Also, are those tentacles coming out of her breasts? What’s going on there?

EDIT: It’s far worse than I imagined.

p. 385 – Blood Energy Potion:

I don’t mean to just keep quoting the solicitation texts of some of these items, but seriously:

“The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency of blood. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste!”

…how can you top that?

p. 386 – Hulk Vintage Marvel Journal:


“Hulk glad to have classy book to put innermost thoughts in. Hulk think a lot, about puny humans, and about fighting army in desert.

“Uh…that’s it for now. Hulk write more later.

“Love, Hulk”

Marvel Previews p. 47 – Spider-Woman #4:

Sometimes you can pretend those drawings of superheroines aren’t just nekkid girls with costumes colored on and minor costuming details, like wrinkles and cufflines, drawn in.

And sometimes you can’t.

Marvel Previews p. 63 – Cable The Long Way Home Checklist:

This is probably the shortest crossover checklist I’ve ever seen. Wonder if Marvel will put out an in-store postcard giveaway for this, too.

I also wonder if they could manage a shorter checklist?

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