Previews #257 (Diamond Comic Distributors, February 2010).

§ January 28th, 2010 § Filed under End of Civilization Comments Off on Previews #257 (Diamond Comic Distributors, February 2010).

Previews was a catalog used by Diamond Comics Distributors, the largest company of its kind in the country…and possibly the world, I have no idea. Anyway, this catalog contained a wide variety of items, and not just comic books…you could also find t-shirts, games, videos, naked Japanese girl statues, action figures, candy, naked Japanese girl statues, iPhone covers, posters, naked Japanese girl statues, and naked Japanese girl statues. So it pretty much had everything, as you can see.

One of this catalog’s many cultural impacts was the entirely petty and unjustified fun-poking immature folks on the internet would inflict upon some of the items listed within. As difficult as this may be to believe, one person even believed said items to be indicative of some kind of symptom of humanity’s decline…markers of an “end of civilization,” you might say.

Well, let’s take a look at this February 2010 edition of Previews and find out ourselves, shall we? Links to previous examinations of the publication may be found in the sidebar of this webpage.

p. 55 – 12″ Barb Wire Figure:

Not saying I couldn’t probably sell this to a customer or two, because hey, bosomy blonde gal, but even so…a Barb Wire figure does seem a bit…late-ish, wouldn’t you think?

p. 128 – Michael Keaton as Batman Bust:

Yup, those are Keaton’s abs, all right. A stunning likeness!

p. 134 – JLA Trophy Room Wonder Woman Tiara, Bracelets and Lasso Prop Replica:

“Wonder Woman’s tiara, bracelets and lasso are prop replicas ONLY and are not meant to be worn or used as weapons.”

And would be totally embarrassing to have noted in your coroner’s report. So please, friends, use your safewords.

p. 193 – Sarah Palin Rogue Warrior:

Okay, I’m hardly a fan of Sarah Palin, but there are just some things I wouldn’t wish on anybody.

(Then again, there’s still an audience for all these political spoof comics, so who am I to judge?)

p. 198 – Archie and Friends #143:

“Chuck, I feel that I have been ‘molded’ by your ‘dissing’ of me in your ‘gags.’ I believe you must ‘do me a solid’ and ‘own up’ to this offensive ‘burn.'”

“Sir, please, your slang usage is inhibiting our ability to communicate.”

p. 212 – Faith #1 Jesus Christ:

Man, these unauthorized biographies are getting way out of hand. Wait ’til Jesus’ lawyers hear about this!

p. 334 – Here is a little blurb beneath the Graphitti Designs listings:

“On Dec. 7th, our Violet Lantern T-shirt made its screen debut on CBS’s blockbuster series THE BIG BANG THEORY.”

And nobody watching the show, aside from the already-initiated, knew what it was. “Hey, cool starburst design. If I had any idea what it was called or where to get one, I could have a shirt like that, too!”

p. 337 – Zombie Shakespeare Alas Poor Yorick and Zombie Che Viva La Dead t-shirts:

Surely someone’s already drawn a connection between the fictional spread of the zombie plague and the real spread of the zombie fad. Except the fad seems even more insidious and widespread. At least the fictional version usually only spreads by bites and blood infection.

REMINDER: Previews regularly uses this slug on some of their listings:

p. 348 – Hellboy Fan Toffee Doll:

“…The Hellboy Fan Toffee Doll is something many a fan can related to, dressing up in their own unique style to emulate a character they love.”

So it’s a doll of someone dressing up as another character. It’s a cosplay doll. Okay, I know Captain Action did it, too, but I don’t know that the good captain was explicitly a fan of the characters he was dressing as. It’s…it’s just…look, I’m just going to say this is weird, and leave it at that, okay?

And don’t tell me this has been going for a while in Japan. I don’t want to know.

p. 361 – Achilles 1:5-Scale Statue:

“Dammit, this statue is broken by the foot, too! Well, pack it up and we’ll ship it back to the distributor.”

p. 361 – Phantom of the Opera Life-Size Resin Bust Kit:

You know, you really need one of those on a nightstand or a bureau right next to your bed, so that the Phantom’s comforting presence and gentle gaze are always nearby. And each morning, as your eyes slowly open and the sun’s warm glow peeks between your curtains, you can look up at your friend the Phantom and greet him as you begin your brand new day.

p. 362 – Arcade Mini-Bust:

So pal Dorian and I were discussing the Marvel bust line (insert joke about the White Queen statue on the same page of Previews here) and how it really seems to scrape the bottom of the barrel sometimes. I mean, a Magneto bust? Sure, okay. A Bi-Beast bust? Sales of that are going to depend on the Marvel bust completists more than some vast and silent network of Bi-Beast fans coming out from hiding to place their preorders.

Now, an Arcade bust seems to fall between the two extremes there…I’m sure there are plenty of Arcade fans out there, somewhere, and whether there is a large enough subset of those fans who are also buying statues to make a significant impact on this item’s sales, I have no idea. But then there’s the larger base of X-Men fans and completists, who will probably comprise the majority of sales, or at least match the folks who buy every bust, regardless of character.

Regardless of the reason, if you buy this bust, you’re going to have a guy that looks like that sitting on your mantelpiece. With that tie. That’s a decision only you can make.

I do like that metallic sphere base, though. That’s kinda neat.

p. 365 – Star Wars Animated Slave Leia Maquette:

“This version of Leia has been, by far, the most requested character in Gentle Giant’s Star Wars Animated series.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Wait, let me try to contain my surprise. Because seriously, I could have sworn the Ugnaught Animated Statue would have been, at the very least, neck and neck with the “Nearly Naked Strong Female Character Forced to Be in A Submissive Position” statue. Just goes to show you, man.

p. 374 – Creators Labo #24 Tsukasa Bullet – Compact Hog PVC Figure:

After all that build-up at the beginning about “naked Japanese girl statues,” I suppose I should throw one in here somewhere. Okay, she’s not naked, but does feature “such exquisite details from her helmet, shoulder armor, and leather outfit to her soft, supple flesh” so I guess this will do. Well, thank goodness her shoulder is armored. And is there a more flattering name than “Compact Hog?” I submit that there is not.

p. 382 – DC Comics Blackest Night Buttons:

I understand Marvel’s got a deal where if retailers send ’em fifty of these buttons, they’ll get one rare Deadpool pin in return.

p. 383 – Serenity Blue Sun Travel Poster Set 2:

Perfect for college students trying to out-obscure their roommates with posters they won’t know a damned thing about.

Marvel Previews p. 68 – X-Men Second Coming:

“Second Coming?” When have the X-Men ever been away long enough to have a second coming? Hell, the comic even went into reprints for a while in the early ’70s instead of getting canceled, so we couldn’t even get rid of them then.

On the other hand, maybe this is a crossover with that Faith comic book I noted above.

Marvel Previews p. 109 – Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk TPB:

For an authentic recreation of the story’s original telling, after reading chapter two put the book aside for about three years and read a bunch of other Wolverine and Hulk comics in the meantime.

…Yeah, yeah, cheap shot, I know. Hey, I’ll be making the same joke about my much-beloved All Star Batman soon enough.

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