End of Civilization

It all started with a Buffy the Vampire Slayer stake replica…a $100 piece of wood in a fancy box. Since then, I’ve been poking through each new issue of Previews for the notable, the bizarre, the silly, the outright baffling…and occasionally finding an item or two I’d even like. I bought the Snakes on a Plane talking pen from this EoC entry, for example, for no good reason I can name, other than I’ll occasionally press the button on it even now and just laugh at the stupidity of it all. And there’s one item in today’s entry that I’m genuinely excited about. I’ve even managed to sell things to customers because of these EoC lists.

Every month, I think “okay, that’s it, I’m not doing these any more.” Because really, how much more can I say about those Japanese girly statues, you know? But I keep doing it, and you folks seem to enjoy it, so let the End of Civilization continue as long as we can manage, my friends.

Pop open your April 2009 Previews and follow along, if you dare:

p. 186 – Cerebus Archive #2:

We’d been joking at the shop about the inevitability of a “Zombie Obama” variant cover, given the comic industry’s obsession with throwing one or other on the cover for a sales boost. But it took Dave Sim to dare do such a thing. Well, almost, as it’s Cerebus who’s the zombie, not Obama, but close enough. Shame about the $15(!) price tag for the variants, though.

p. 196 – Land of the Lost #1:

I remember looking in an Overstreet price guide for the first time, when I was but a young Mikester, looking to see if there was a comic based on my favorite kids TV show Land of the Lost. Alas, the only comic under that name was one from the ’40s, based on a radio program.

Well, at last that need has been fulfilled. Doesn’t matter that I’m 40 now…I’m totally buying this. (The solicitation seems to indicate that it’s based on the ’70s version, not the forthcoming Will Ferrell…thing. Let’s hope.)

p. 230 – Barack the Barbarian: Quest for the Treasure of Stimuli #1:

I thought the regular cover for this comic was sort of mindboggling…until I saw the “Red Sarah” variant:

America…what a country.

p. 264 – Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan #1:

“The one Star Trek movie that never got a proper comic book adaptation is the best one!”

I’m pretty sure Insurrection and Nemesis got skipped, too. Unless we’re just talking Classic Trek…in which case, never mind.

p. 339 – Joker Face T-Shirt:

“Sir, I must say I do not care for your garment’s impertinent glare.” …This shirt is far more disturbing than it really should be.

p. 340 – Firestorm Black T-Shirt:

There was a time when I totally would have bought this shirt. May still.

p. 340 – Weekly World News “Obama” Black T-Shirt:

If I may refer the reader to the Weekly World News’ follow-up story, in which the Alien withdrew the above-pictured endorsement in favor of McCain…well, I think this tells you all you need to know about the left-wing Mainstream T-Shirt-Making Media, don’t you think?

p. 372 – Predator 2 Cutting Disc & Hand Limited Edition Prop Replica:

So there was that episode of The Addams Family where Thing’s extraterrestrial cousin came to visit:

“Lurch!”

“YOU RANG?”

“Go find Thing and Space-Thing…I suspect those two are up to some mischief!”

“URRRRRRR….”

p. 378 – Rock Iconz Ozzy Osbourne “Diary of a Madman” Statue:

Terrifyingly enormous codpiece may require extra assembly.

p. 401 – Marbs’ Marvel Super Heoes Marbles Series 2:

No joke here, really…just pleased to see that Galactus gets an extra-sized marble. (Used to call those bigger marbles “boulders” when I was a kid…do kids even play with marbles any more? Or do they just play marble simulation games on their handheld X-Wiis? …Whoops, excuse me a moment, I have to go shake my cane at some people and tell them to get off my lawn.)

p. 401 – Wolverine Origins Leather Mask:

I’m pretty sure I’ve made fun of something like this in a past End of Civilization. But really, who can pass up another chance to post a picture like that? Just picture that guy saying “I’m the best at what I do, bub.” Yeah, I could totally take that seriously.

p. 405 – Star Trek The Next Generation Deluxe Shirts:

Kid Chris asked if he could dress like this for work. I told him if he did, he’d have to stand outside and wave at passing cars. Mostly so I wouldn’t have to look at him.

Also, if you get one of these, don’t wear it to jury duty. I mean, honestly.

p. 405 – Star Trek The Next Generation Locutus of Borg/Worf Masks:

I get the Worf mask, since it’s close enough to Generic Klingon for general costume use, but…I don’t know, Locutus seems awfully specific. If you’re gonna dress as a Borg, wouldn’t you rather costume-Borgify your own face instead of wearing a rubber mask that sort of resembles Patrick Stewart in Borg make-up?

p. 405 – Star Trek USS Enterprise Bottle Opener:

This seems a tad bit…disrespectful, somehow. Though admittedly, the original Enterprise didn’t seem to have any shortage of bottles of contraband Romulan Ale, so I guess a bottle opener is a fair representation. “All aboard the USS Booze-a-prise! Drinking frequencies open, barkeep!”

p. 406 – Star Trek The Original Series – Spock Ears:

There’s something surprisingly nostalgic about how entirely non-convincing these are. Calling them “prop replica(s),” as the solicit does, seems to be pushing the definition a bit.

p. 407 – Star Trek Tiberius Cologne for Men:

Cologne named after Kirk? That may be too much for any one man to live up to. I think if I were to open a bottle of this, the scent would grab a ceiling fixture and swing both feet directly into my chest.

p. 407 – Star Trek Red Shirt Cologne for Men:

I was all ready to make a crack about “for the man who’s about to die on the job,” but the box for the cologne itself reads “because tomorrow may never come.” Well played, sirs.

p. 412 – Star Trek Scrabble:

Get ready for arguments over whether “K’plah” or “Qapla'” is the accepted spelling.

p. 418 – Monopoly 1935 Deluxe 1st Edition:

Released just in time for another Depression! Now that’s good nostalgic marketing…oh, wait.

So it’s come to this…the 49th installment of the End of Civilization, not to mention post #2600 on this site. Either way, that’s a lot of typing. And here’s more typing to add to the pile, so whip open your copy of the March 2009 Previews and follow along!

p. 179 – Marvel Minimates Wolverine Through the Ages Set:

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a Minimate figure with quite that terrifying of a visage before. “Oh my God, my hands, my hands…they’re smooth, hideous clamps!”

p. 213 – Liongate Films Leprechaun #1:

C’mon, how’re you guys gonna top this previous adaptation?

Which reminds me…reader John T. answered my unintended plea from that post way back when, and I never got around sharing what he sent he with the rest of you. UNTIL TODAY. Presenting to you some bonus Progressive Ruin content, courtesy John T. — Leprenopoly!

CLICK TO MAKE LEPRECHAUNIER
p. 233 – The Boys: Herogasm #1:

Well I know I certainly can’t wait to have that cover on display on our “New Arrivals” rack.

p. 312 – The Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine – Gladiator & Morbius:

“Darn you kids! Quit making fun of my awesome Mohawk!”

“Blah! I’m a vampire! Bl — ah, forget it, I’m just not feeling it.”

p. 354 – Blacula 12-inch Collector Action Figure:

Just thought I’d let a little cool in here.

p. 368 – Friday the 13th – Jason’s Machete Replica:

v

“This metal and wood reproduction of Jason’s iconic weapon is 3 feet in length and has the real weight and feel of an actual machete.”

For $179, which I imagine could also buy you a real machete or three. Not that I’ve been doing any machete pricing lately.

p. 370 – Hydra Mini-Bust 3-Pack:

“The Wave!”

p. 372 – Mr. Sinister Statue:

Man, this guy’s totally hogging the dance floor. “‘Ain’t no mountain high enough?’ Ain’t no dance floor big enough!” (Joke courtesy late ’80s Dennis Miller.)

p. 376 – Rock Iconz Rush “Starman” Statue:

So..revealed at last, once people get their hands on this thing…the face of Starman? (Or has it been shown before…I like Rush an’ all, but I’m no expert on Rush trivia.)

p. 376 – Star Wars “Hoth” Han Solo Mini-Bust:

“Oh, man, I thought these new extra-long antennas would work, but my remote control snowspeeder still flew out of range! Guess I’d better upgrade to Wookiee-length.”

p. 388 – Marvel Comics Fine Art Theatre – The Infinity Gauntlet:

Man, looks like they had a mold explosion in the statue factory. “Do you suffer the heartbreak of…Silver Surfer armpit? Do Heralds of Galactus dangle uncomfortably from your body?”

By the way, I have to call shenanigans on their description of this statue being a “fine art” piece, since there is no LED lighting function mentioned in the solicitation. And, as we learned a couple of months back, it ain’t art without LEDs.

p. 394 – Michael Jackson “Thriller” Vinyl Figures:

I’m having a hard time deciding which is more terrifying:

Though I suppose this face gives the “zombie” figure the edge:

But still not as frightening as the real thing.

Yes, I went for the easy joke. I’m not proud.

p. 399 – Watchmen Movie Nite Owl Costume:

How fans wanted Nite Owl to look in the film:

And how Nite Owl does look in the film:

p. 399 – Watchmen Movie Rorschach Accessories:

Oh, I don’t know that this is something we’d want to encourage.

p. 400 – Watchmen Movie Silk Spectre Costume:

Employee Aaron: “Wow…do you think male comic fans are going to try to get their girlfriends to dress up like Silk Spectre?”

Me: “I suspect there’ll be some dressing up with these costumes, but not by their girlfriends.”

Employee Aaron: “Huh?”

Me: “I’ll explain when you’re older.”

p. 400 – Watchmen Movie Dr. Manhattan Mask & Hands:

Employee Aaron: “Why do the rest of the characters have full costumes, and Dr. Manhattan just had a mask and those gloves?”

Me: “Presumably you’d use blue body paint to complete the effect.”

Employee Aaron: “Ewwwww.”

Me: “I’m gonna guess that the costumes at the San Diego Con are going to be a lot of fun this year.”

p. 402 – Wolverine Origins Deluxe Adult Costume:

“The costume recreates perfectly the costume worn by actor Hugh Jackman….”

Oh, for the sake of the movie, I hope not.

p. 402 – Thor Deluxe Adult Helmet:

Included simply to present the single great costume model ever presented in the pages of this catalog. In fact, if there were some way to make a mold of that face and make it part of the helmet….

p. 405 – Wolverine Extreme Green Large Journal:

“Dear Journal – Scott was mean to me again today. Jean won’t notice me. Ran out of beer and cigars. Someone scratched my Book of Love album. They’d better not cancel Dollhouse. My life sucks. I’m gonna polish my claws and avoid everyone for the rest of the day. Yrs – L.”

p. 420 – Watchmen Original Soundtrack Limited Edition 12-Inch Picture Disc Record:

From the blurb at the beginning of this section of the catalog:

“My Chemical Romance’s cover of Bob Dylan’s ‘Prison Flight’ is available on vinyl, just as it would have been in Watchmen’s alternate 1985!”

Okay, sure, however you want to justify it. And apparently there’s no escape from My Chemical Romance or Bob Dylan, even in an alternate reality. (EDIT: I know they messed up this particular blurb.)

Marvel Previews p. 106 – Marvel Saga Astonishing X-Men, Squadron Supreme, Runaways GN – TP:

So this is a trade paperback reprinting of those “catch-up” comics that condensed down several months’ worth of issues into one-shots that covered most of the plot points via select reprinted pages and summary text.

I suspect Marvel may have been better served printing up cheap sampler issues for the series featured here, each with a single issue, or “chapter,” taken from one of the trade paperbacks (like what DC is doing with their “After Watchmen” comics).

But I suspect this book does fill the “too busy to devote the time to read an entire narrative/not enough money to buy all the books” niche market, so I can’t blame Marvel for finding ways to get everyone’s money.

Still…c’mon, seriously?

Hey, man, I was ending civilization before it was cool. Now I look at the headlines in one of the few newspapers that are left, and it looks like everyone’s getting in on my action. Ah, well. The more the merrier, I suppose. Fiddle along with me as we see a little bit of Rome burn away within the February 2009 edition of Diamond Previews:

p. 196 – Cerebus Archive #1:

Now, don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed Cerebus. I plan on buying this new series featuring early work by Dave Sim, background material on the creation of Cerebus, etc. But the zombie cover variant? After doing a handful of them for his other project Glamourpuss, I think we’ve got the joke by now. The $15 retail price joke.

But the worst part? The zombie variant for this series looks awesome. Dangit.

p. 344 – The Desktop Heads of Easter Island:

Apparently these were made by very tiny alien beings.

p. 372 – Indiana Jones Sallah Mighty Muggs figure:

Now let us picture John Rhys-Davies in a skin-tight white suit, as demonstrated here.

p. 382 – Terminator 2 Series 1 Minimate Assortment:

Totally gets points for including the explody “liquid metal” version of the T-1000.

p. 387 – Star Trek Movie Electronic Communicator:

So this is what they’re going to look like in that new, revamped Star Trek movie, hm? Sort of an interesting design dilemma, trying to evoke the look of the original TV series, while simultaneously trying to appear more futuristic than our modern day, ubiquitous cellphones, which themselves are at least in part inspired by the original show while also being far more advanced in many ways than what those old props were supposed to represent.

However, this communicator toy has it all over cellphones, what with the included lenticular Kirk/Spock sticker inside. ADVANTAGE: ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATOR.

p. 393 – Giger’s Alien 1:1 Lifesize Statue:

Sweet dear holy God in heaven. It’s almost eight feet tall, it’s bottom-lit through the “floor grid” base, and you can move the arms so that they’re sticking out in from of the Alien, like he’s grabbing for you. Good for keeping around the house if you want to occasionally scare the living bejeebers out of yourself.

Also, out of curiosity, I checked the retailer order details on this item…the net cost on this is several thousand dollars, and apparently it would be delivered to us in five large boxes. Some assembly required, my friends.

p. 398 – (Offered again) Lord of the Rings Balrog Monument:

As first featured in this post, the $2000 four foot wide limited Balrog has been relisted for more orders in this month’s Previews. Oddly enough, it didn’t sell out the first time.

p. 400 – Kurse Mini-bust:

Mixed feelings: “a Kurse bust…really?” versus “oh man, a Walt Simonson-era Thor character statue!”

BONUS: Statue is also a Secret Wars II tie-in.

p. 404 – Back to the Future Marty McFly Hat Replica:

I thought for sure this was some kind of Hypercolor-esque thing, but apparently it’s just “ultra-refractive fabrics” that make up the hat.

Really, when was the last time you thought about Hypercolor? (I couldn’t even remember the name, until Kid Chris reminded me.)

p. 408 – Star Wars Obi-Wan Kenobi Bronze Bust:

Only $1,500. Probably would have immensely irritated Sir Alec.

p. 416 – Broken Heart Doll Plushies:

“Aarrchie was the sickest bass player around, but all he got was a lousy photo op with Green Day’s Billie Joe and one free drink ticket.”

“Wolfgang thought he hit the jackpot with the ladies with the screen name ‘just10timbrl8k,’ but things always took a rapid dive when finally showed them his picture.”

Emo pillows with backstories. Well, sure, why not.

p. 438-9 – Joker masks:

I can’t decide which is most terrifying…the Joker masks based on the recent Dark Knight movie:

…or this classic look Joker:

Any of these would be perfect for your social gathering or church event.

p. 444 – Star Wars Trooper Fine Art Print:

Today’s winning entry in the “Self-Canceling Phrase” contest is….

p. 445 – Watchmen Rorschach Beanie Mask:

Well, surely this is going to bite into the sales of all those homemade Rorschach masks on the eBay.

p. 446 – Watchmen Rorschach Desk Blotter:

A desk blotter with “ink” splashed upon it to resemble Rorschach’s mask, with the Rorschach logo. $29.99. I don’t have a joke for this, or even a smart alecky comment. I’m just puzzled, mostly.

p. 447 – Watchmen Rorschach Pennant:

“Rah rah! Chop that dog! Go team Rorschach!”

There are four pages of Watchmen merchandise in this catalog. They’re just seriously slapping Watchmen characters onto anything that’ll take an image.

Marvel Previews p. 7 – X-Men Legacy #223 70th Anniversary Cover:

Why is Marvel Girl throwing gang signs at me?

Marvel Previews p. 79 – Marvel Minimates Series 28 – Wolverine Movie Assortment:

Hey, I had no idea Marlon Brando was in this movie. I’m totally seeing it now.

Marvel Previews p. 94 – Spider-Man Torment Premiere HC:

At last, a deluxe collection of what may possibly be the most common Spider-Man comics ever published. Good, I was worried there weren’t enough copies of this story already in existence.

Tip o’the toupee to pal Sean for the Brando joke.

IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! Santa has brought you good boys and girls another choice selection from the latest Diamond Previews catalog (the Jan. 2009 edition), so if you’re done opening presents and you’re sick of dealing with your family…well, spend some time with me as we peruse these fine items:

p. 195 – Wizard #210:

If you’re going to throw the phrase “Bosom Buddies” around and not give me Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari in dresses, well, I can only express my extreme disappointment.

Though I suppose I should commend Wizard for one of its rare instances of restraint and not giving us, I don’t know, Power Girl and Witchblade in the ad. Because, you know, “‘bosom,’ tee hee.”

p. 217 – Betty #179:

Hey, Betty, I’m pretty sure Green Day is still performing…they’re just fine, thank you.

p. 244 – Tarot Witch of the Black Rose #55 Previews Exclusive 9th Anniversary Photo Cover:

Normally I’d let the expert in all things Tarotian, Mr. Sims, handle this, but…9th anniversary? Really? Unless they’re just really genuinely surprised that they actually were able to keep doing this for nine years. Or maybe the number “9” is some naked magical thing that they’re referencing. Who knows.

p. 348 – Girls of Gaming Volumes 1 and 2:

“More than just a pin-up book, Girls of Gaming celebrates gaming’s vast line-up of heroines, from the cute, to the sexy, and everything in-between. From Lara Croft to Aerith Gainsborough, from Vanessa Schneider (P.N. 03) to Farmer (Dungeon Siege), the ‘girls of gaming’ are brought to life through CGI renders, concept artwork, and commissioned and exclusive original artwork. Each volume of Girls of Gaming features hundreds of full-color images, interviews with the creators, gamers, and the girls themselves….”

Emphasis mine. Though there’s really no end of things I could have emphasized there.

p. 362 – How to Cosplay Volume 1:

“Step One: Buy mace. Lots of it. Maybe get a taser, too.”

p. 378 – Superman “Mini-Bling” Black T-Shirt:

I suspect a fundamental misunderstanding of the Superman character is at play here.

p. 388 – The Creature from The Black Lagoon Super-Size Creepy Collector’s Figure:

“Hey, who wants a hug? A wet, squishy, vaguely-smelling-of-fish hug?”

p. 412 – Conan the Conqueror Statue:

“Conan, what is best in life?”

“Enjoying the bucking bronco ride at the country-western bar between the wet-shirt contests! Oh, and driving my enemies before me, the lamentation of their women, blah blah.”

p. 416 – Saw – Jigsaw’s Gauntlet Prop Replica:

I should stop being surprised by these things by now, but seriously…what are you going to do with this?

On second thought…perhaps I would like to remain blissfully ignorant.

p. 420 – Man Ape Mini-Bust:

Every month, I think Marvel has reached the absolute nadir of characters to translate to convenient bust form, and every time I’m proven incorrect.

Man Ape. Seriously.

p. 422 – Offered Again: Marvel Universe Civil War Busts:

So the statues with the series logo and exploding crotches tying into the crossover event from about two crossovers ago haven’t sold out? A B-list villain, a goofy-looking Wolverine, and Spider-Man in that costume he doesn’t wear anymore?

Huh.

p. 426 – Star Trek The Original Series Classic Captain’s Chair Replica:

While I’m the first to acknowledge the sheer awesomeness and power of Kirk’s Chair, it seems the price of $2,717.01 is both steep and annoying cutesy. Plus, it looks like you could probably build your own, given some moderate skill with tools and finding the right kind of chair to build your wooden box base around.

There, that’s a good summer project for some of you. Not me, I’d end up nailing my hand to the Captain’s Log or something. Boy, that sounds dirty.

p. 430 – Star Wars Garindan Mini-Bust:

You really want a statue of this son-of-a-bitch? This guy totally snitched to the Stormtroopers where Luke, Han and gang were at. Also:

“…Nicknamed by Jabba the Hutt ‘Long Snoot’ for his long, green-black elephantine trunk….”

My first reaction was “oh, c’mon, no Jabba didn’t,” but that freakin’ Expanded Universe, man…no minor character is left untouched. I’m sure in Star Wars: Hoojib Attack Volume Four: The Vengeance of Plif Garindan’s nicknaming was covered.

p. 438 – Super-Bastard Box Art Character Toy Mini-Figures:

Huh, that’s funny…not one of them looks a thing like Kevin Church.

p. 452 – Twitch the Raccoon Plush:

Yes, that’s little stuffed guts coming out of him, and stitched-on tire treads. This is grossly fantastic.

p. 462 – The Spirit Wrench Keychain Bottle Opener:

While I’m looking forward to The Spirit film, I realize that other, less enlightened, folks are deriding this movie adaptation, and it looks like it may be heading for a box office bust. And thus, this item, and the other tie-in products scattered throughout this catalog…well, for one, the movies opening today, and even if we did order these items, they probably wouldn’t show up until the film was on DVD. And at this point…I don’t expect there’s going to be a huge demand for Spirit junk.

So I can buy it all for cheap in about six months. Ha HA!

p. 463-4 – Watchmen stuff:

I’m taking a kind of perverse fascination in the marketing of this maybe forthcoming Watchmen movie.

Like the Dr. Manhattan baseball cap, or this flask:

Or the beanies…the beanies:

I have to admit I like the idea of being able to get a Rorschach lunchbox:

But this:

“…This iconic phrase, coined by the Roman poet Juvenal about the limits on police power, is stamped on this metal keychain!”

What kind of a world is it where one can’t get good Juvenal merchandise without it having to be tied into some big Hollywood movie?

And…okay, you got me. This button?

Kind of awesome.

Marvel Previews p. 14 – Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk #3:

Lies. Lies.

Marvel Previews p. 101 – Wolverine GN:

“…For the first time ever, experience the storied saga of everybody’s favorite feral X-Man IN HIS OWN WORDS….”

“…And get this, bub…there was this one time the Ultimate version of me fought the Ultimate version of the Hulk, and it seemed like that battle took over three years to wrap up!”

If you’re enjoying Thanksgiving…here, take a break from putting up with the relatives and follow along in your December 2008 Diamond Previews to see a few of the goodies coming your way soon to a funnybook store near you. Friends in non-Thanksgiving areas are of course welcome as well.

BRACE YOURSELVES:

p. 222 – Female Force Sarah Palin:

Just in time for the 2008 Presidental Elec…uh oh. I mean, I get the whole “educating the public about a political figure” thing, but I’m pretty sure the sales window has slammed shut on this comic for the time being. Unless she runs in 2012, of course.

p. 234 – Chucky Vol. 2 #3:

“The carnage hits the fan as Chucky’s rampage through a reality television show continues.”

I think I may have seen enough reality show settings for genre pieces to last me a while.

p. 264 – The Dreaming #1:

You’d think DC Comics would have something to say about that. Though Tokyopop apparently published something under this title during its onslaught of product over the last few years. So there you go.

p. 277 – Whatmen:

What is this, the late ’80s? I guess we’d better brace ourselves for Watchmen parodies, whether we like it or not.

p. 355 – Jailbait Zombie SC:

“To kill an army of zombies run by gangsters, the vampire detective must team up with a precocious teen with clairvoyant powers. But, she demands something big in return: she wants to be undead, too!”

That’s too much High Concept. TOO MUCH.

p. 375 – Justice League Unlimited Martian Hanhunter Symbol T-Shirt:

“Say, Chad, what’s with the shirt with the empty Trivial Pursuit playing piece on it?”

“That’s the symbol of the Martian Manhunter.”

“The who now? You sure it’s not a Trivial Purs…oh, wait, that’s not supposed to be some kind of representation of a sphincter, is it?”

“WHAT? No!”

p. 414 – Star Wars Yoda Bronze Statue:

I don’t really have a joke or comment or anything. Just wanted to point out that this is a $1,400 item, “limited to only 80 pieces worldwide.” Only 80. You don’t say.

p. 424 – Mr. Toast and Shaky Bacon Plush Toys:

I guess these would be the more sedate cousins of Milk ‘n’ Cheese. Something about plushie bacon does amuse me, I have to admit.

p. 428 – The Kotobukiya Collection Marvel Studios Iron Man Mark II Fine Art Statue:

“The Mark II features multiple LED lights,” sez the solicitation info, and if one thing indicates “fine art” to me, it’s LED lights. To wit:

Or perhaps even this:

And maybe even this, if I may be so bold:

p. 444 – Pac-Man Power Up Energy Drink:

Unless I can actually chase and eat frightened blue-colored ghosts after drinking this, I’m not interested. (Or unless it quadruples my size and allows me to pass through locked doors without keys, for you Super Pac-Man fans out there.)

p. 452 – A Bunch of Watchmen Stuff:

There’s a bookmark set, a calendar, and this thing:

…which for a second there I thought was going to be a fleshed-out version of the brief “excerpt” we got in the actual Watchmen comic. But no, it’s a blank-paged journal, so you can, I don’t know, take notes on all the ways the Watchmen film got it wrong and how it should have been a 12-part mini-series on cable and how if they’d just asked you everything could have been fixed and we’d all have a proper movie boo hoo.

There’s also this “Thermal Mug” which changes color when heated:

Apparently the phrase “Who Watches the Watchmen” also appears. I suspect we may be getting away a bit from Alan Moore’s original intent for the series.

p. 464 – Munchkin Chibithulhu Pink Plush Previews Exclusive:

I know I say this every time, but surely by now we’ve crossed some kind of Cute Cthulhu event horizon, ensuring our destruction. I mean good gravy LOOK AT THAT THING. BIG PIC = MORE EXPOSURE TO PECULIAR CUTENESS.

Marvel p. 26 – Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk #1 & #2 All New Printings:

Looks like we might still get to celebrate the third annual Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk Day, after all.

But really, at this point just let it slide for a few more years, then repackage it as some kind of “nostalgic” special. “Remember this comic from when you were a kid? Well, at last, here’s the long-awaited exciting conclusion!” Hey, they’ve done it before.

WHAT MANNER OF SORCERY IS THIS? Another End of Civilization, by Crom! Flip open your Diamond Previews November 2008 edition, you mangy curs, and follow along or else you’ll taste my blade! Previous installments in the sidebar, if you’re brave enough to make the journey!

p. 55 – Bettie Page Heat Sensitive Mug:

As per the description…as the mug heats up, so does Bettie’s top fade away.

Has Dark Horse put out replicas of those old “Kiss Me in The Dark, Baby” glow in the dark ties yet? Seems to be up sorta the same alley.

p. 130 – Batman CosBaby Mini-Figures:

So this Joker is almost completely inappropriately cute:

…but dig this cute Batman. Batman is totally Bat-worried!

There’s a “mystery figure” (shown only in silhouette), but if it’s not Cute Superdeformed Alfred, I don’t want to know.

p. 138 – American Jesus Vol. 1 Chosen TP:

First thought was “oh, man, ‘volume 1’ — they’re doing more.” Second was, upon reading a description of the “bizarre plot twists” therein later in Previews, remembering when the first issue of this series originally arrived at the shop, and pal Dorian flipping through it, and (accurately, as it turned out) predicting the series’ “twist” ending.

p. 148 – Wonderlost TP:

For just the briefest of moments, I thought this was an ad for a new Fast Times at Ridgemont High comic. No offense to Wonderlost, but I was totally disappointed. So I must put the call out to pal Ian, the only editor in this business hopelessly under my hypnotic thrall, and bid him…OBTAIN THE FAST TIMES LICENSE. DO IT NOW. THIS I COMMAND.

p. 372 – Star Wars Galaxy Series 4 Trading Cards:

Why Mike is a bad person, reason #whatever: there’s a promo card inserted into this issue of Previews with the image just below, and when I saw it –

…I laughed and laughed and laughed, for no real good reason I can explain. Like, employees looking at me and wondering “what the hell?” kind of laughter. A reaction to retrofitting Episode III schmaltz into the original trilogy? Hard to say. Maybe I’m just losing my mind.

p. 377 – Jigsaw “Get On My Level” T-shirt:

This smacks just a little of “trying too hard.” Also, I was going to say “why a Jigsaw shirt?” but he’s the villain in the new might-as-well-be-direct-to-video Punisher sequel.

p. 390 – Barbie “Went with The Wind” Carol Burnett Doll:

No pic of the doll is ready, so there’s a still from the show instead. But that doesn’t matter, since a Barbie based on a decades-old comedy skit is exactly what little girls want, and I’m sure it’ll sell itself.

(So, let’s see how many different fan bases I’ve just annoyed….)

p. 415 – Mangog Mini-Bust:

I always think “wow, surely Marvel can’t scrape the bottom of the barrel any further with their choices for busts,” and I’m always wrong. I never thought, in my lifetime, I’d be typing the words “Mangog Mini-Bust.”

MANGOG MINI-BUST
Just say it to yourself, repeatedly, quietly, during the course of your day.

p. 415 – Marvel Zombies Wolverine Bust:

I “get” the comic. It’s a dark-humored joke…it’s probably gone on a bit too long, but I can see the appeal. The Marvel Zombie merchandise, however, having removed the characters from their original context…just seems a little…peculiar to me. Like “here’s my favorite Marvel hero, miserable and suffering and, essentially, dead!”

p. 422 – Star Wars AT-AT Driver Mini-Bust:

I love this sculpt. It’s like he’s just casually posing for photos to send the folks back home in his Life Day cards. “Hi Mom! I made it through AT-AT Driving School!”

p. 439 – Captain America Winter Soldier Fine Art Statue:

There’s only one thing you need to offer with each product to guarantee sales, and that thing is:

p. 441 – Death Note Plushes:

This must be the Previews for inappropriately cute things. “Hi! I’m a mass murderer, and I’m holding an apple for my Death God friend! Tee hee!”

p. 480 – Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition for Dummies:

Well, sure…who else would play 4th edition?

YES IT’S A CHEAP SHOT LET ME HAVE MY FUN

Marvel p. 57 – Sub-Mariner The Depths #4:

And now, my joke for old Saturday Night Live fans:

“You look like you need a massage!”

p. 58 – Thor #600:

And we wrap up this time pointing out that Marvel abandoned the “renumbering from #1” sales boost gimmick in favor of the “large ‘milestone’ issue number” sales boost…again.

Which reminds me…Amazing Spider-Man had an annual out this week, numbered “1,” while also having the original numbering, “35,” printed on the cover alongside the “1.” First, the regular Amazing Spider-Man title doesn’t have this double numbering scheme any more, so why still do it with the annual? And secondly…they’re already putting out three ASMs a month, and Marvel ain’t shy about upping the page count and the price on any of their regular titles at any given time. Not sure why an annual was entirely necessary, but I’m sure folks have their reasons.

Sorry, that’s a decidedly non-silly way to wrap up the End of Civilization. Let’s look at the AT-AT driver again:

I’m pretty sure this is the same pose I had in most of my elementary school pictures. But without the armor. Well, not that armor.

Ellohay, internetway alspay! It’sway onceway againway imetay orfay ethay Endway ofway Ivilizationcay, asway Iway owplay oughthray ethay ewestnay issueway ofway Iamondday Eviewspray andway ickpay outway itemsway ofway interestway orfay educationway andway iscussionday. Ipflay openway ouryay ownway opycay andway ollowfay alongway! Ou’reyay otnay eallyray eadingray isthay, areway ouyay? Eviouspray installmentsway areway, asway alwaysway, inway ethay idebarsay.

p. 137 – Superman/Batman Series 8 Action Figures:

Okay, I probably shouldn’t be complaining about in regards to a set based on the Superman/Batman comic, but, honestly, I think the Direct Market has reached its Superman/Batman action figure saturation point. Where’s my kick-ass Johnny Thunder and his Thunderbolt two-pack?

p. 211 – Archie #592:

Wh–what’s this? A reasonably up-to-date video game reference on the cover of an Archie comic? Given the joke is based on the novelty of a video game that requires folks to peel their hinders from the Barcalounger to jump and move and flail about with the controller, it’s only about two years behind since everyone in the real world is more or less used to the idea of the Wii by now. But, you know, a couple of years behind is pretty good for Archie.

p. 313 – M.I.L.F. Magnet #1:

“That’s right. You read it correctly. And don’t lie to us, you know what a MILF is! You know the kind of guy we’re talking about. It’s not his fault; he just attracts women like nobody’s business – with catastrophic results! After a magical accident during a fight with a supervillain, a young and innocent hero named Taser discovers that he now has a more specific kind of ability. Women of a certain age will just not leave him alone, 24/7!”

I should add something to that, but for the life of me, I can’t.

p. 389 – Topps 2008 Sterling NFL Cards:

No relation.

But wouldn’t it be something if these were cards of me? A card set showing photos of my exciting life…see Mike working! See Mike blogging! See Mike drinking Diet Coke! Not to mention the special rare chase cards, featuring bits of my clothing and clippings from my luxurious golden mane of hair.

p. 400 – The Spirit “My City Screams” Black T-Shirt:

Ooh, I was hoping that one of the more ridiculed lines from The Spirit movie’s advertising campaign would make it onto a shirt I’m not going to wear.

p. 414 – Cinema of Fear Jason 2008 San Diego Comic-Con Deluxe Plush:

I just picked this item at…well, not at random, but this is the goofiest example (is that machete plush, too? I gotta know) of all the leftover “exclusive” merchandise from the San Diego Comic Con. Really, there’s a lot in this catalog…action figures, paperweights, etc. …Wasn’t there a time when a lot of leftover Warner Brothers Store merchandise was making it into the Previews catalog? Because it sort of feels like that.

p. 422 – The Spirit Movie Keychains:

Now, honestly, I enjoyed that brief clip that was up on the internet for about a minute, showing the Spirit fighting the Octopus. It was amusingly goofy, and at times looked as if it were drawn by Will Eisner. But some of the stuff from the ad campaigns, which has ended up on these keychains…egads.

p. 424 – Gangsta Babies Series 1 Dolls:

I can’t say it any better than the solicitation info:

“Comin’ straight outta crib-town! Each of these 10″ hoodlers are A-Listing in the playground! Rockin’ fab-tastic clothing and so much baby bling that other rug rats can only catch their vapors! This first series of Gangsta Babies contains Pookie, the green-eyed baller who features a thermal shirt, t-shirt, dew rag, ring, and pimped out pacifier necklace; Benjino, the carrot-toped homey with a red bubble vest, football jersey, jeans, cassette-shaped ring, and old school boom box necklace; Rey Rey, a playa who is #1 with all the Shorties with a hoodie, skullcap, camo jacket, and shorts; and Big Deuce, the liíl shot-caller is runniní things with a baseball hat, shirt, cuffed jeans, and white do rag, diamond ring, gold rope bracelet, and crown pendant.”

STARE INTO THE DEAD EYES OF BENJINO:

p. 424 – Star Trek The Original Series Tribble Role Play:

You have no idea how disappointed I was that this wasn’t a costume for tribble cosplay…basically like a big ol’ furry beanbag you can roll around in.

Someone, somewhere, at some Star Trek convention or even just in the privacy of their own homes, has dressed as a tribble. Let that ease your dream-filled sleep.

p. 442 – Thor Classic Helmet 1/1 Scale Replica:

This bad boy costs $369…but if you’re the kind of guy who’s gonna dish out for a winged metal hat to display in your home, you’re gonna wear it too. Ain’t no denying it.

p. 442 – Clash of the Titans 2008 San Diego Comic Con Mini-Bust 3-Pack:

Probably the only product featuring exposed breasts that didn’t sell out at the ‘Con.

p. 444 – Rock Iconz Ted Nugent Statue:

WARNING: Mike will repeatedly say “The Nuge!” at the slightest provocation, such as, say, seeing this Previews ad about mid-day at the store. Just letting you know.

p. 446 – Star Wars The Clone Wars Ahsoka Tano Maguette:

“This pre-memorial statue based on the Clone Wars cartoon character pays tribute to young Jedi padawan Ahsoka, doomed to be either exiled or simply outright killed (likely by her master Anakin, for full dramatic impact) during or shortly after the events of Revenge of the Sith. Enjoy her while you can, kids!”

p. 466 – Peter Pan Captain Hook Bust (Color Version):

I’m not seeing the appeal of a Hook statue that doesn’t, oh, I don’t know…show his hook.

p. 486 – Star Wars R2-D2 4 Port USB Hub:

You know, this is about the best match between “licensed character” and “USB hub” that I’ve seen. Pal Sean made a joke about that USB cord being R2’s robot naughty bits, but I’m runnin’ a clean site here, sir. Good day…I said good day!

Marvel p. 83 – Punisher War Zone Minimates Box Set:

If you’re familiar these kinds of figures, you know of their disturbingly noseless visages:

Except this guy, who has enough of a vestigial bridge where his nose should be to wear a NOSE BANDAGE:

This is just slightly upsetting my Minimates worldview.

If a new Previews is out, then that means it’s time for another…End of Civilization. It ain’t ended yet, but I’ll help you keep tabs on the end’s progress until it does. Come along with me as I mildly josh, damn with faint praise, and/or give backhanded compliments to several items from the September 2008 edition of Previews. (Older installments, as always, can be tracked down in the sidebar.)

p. 200 – The 2008 Presidential Candidates The Comic Books:

Another publisher tackles John and Barack prior to the election…though being solicited in the September order form is cutting it awfully close for getting these out before that day in November. (For example…how many Halloween comics have shipped the first week of November? A few too many, frankly.)

Sorry, I don’t really have a joke here…I used my one good joke about this type of comic last time, so just go reread that one.

p. 260 – Geroge R.R. Martin’s Wild Cards The Hard Call HC:

Oh, hey, a hardcover collection of that Wild Cards mini. Since I’m a longtime Wild Cards fan, and thus have already bought this comic book series, there’s no reason for me to buy….

“This collection of the first Wild Cards mini-series includes an introduction by series creator George R.R. Martin […] plus an original Wild Cards short story by Melinda Snodgrass.”

…Oh, you bastards.

p. 285 – Stan’s Soap Box The Collection TP:

Good Lord. Stan’s columns from Marvel Comics, in concentrated form? Is this safe to handle? Does it come with rubber gloves and tongs? Being exposed to that much Stan Lee in one place requires special precautions. FOR ADVANCED FANS ONLY.

p. 291 – Star Trek TNG The Last Generation #1 incentive cover:

Well, if we can’t have any more Star Trek/X-Men, then we can at least have a Trekker tribute to this cover. Uhura, noooooo!

p. 354 – Girls and Corpses 2009 Wall Calendar:

I know this magazine is tongue-in-cheek, but…you may want to think it over a bit before you put this calendar on the wall of your cubicle. You may be answering some interesting questions as a result.

p. 369 – FARTS A Spotter’s Guide:

Seems to me if you can actually spot a fart, then, er, we’re not exactly talking about a “fart” anymore, are we? Also, comes with an attached sound machine that reproduces types of fart sounds. This is what Thomas Edison had in mind.

p. 384 – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Trading Cards & Album:

“Shipping Fall 2008!” says the full-page ad. “Not so fast, there” says Warner Brothers.

p. 397 – Superman Splatter Symbol T-Shirt:

The ad reads “the Man of Steel meets Jackson Pollock,” but c’mon, the first thing you’re gonna think is “blood” when you see that. And nothing matches the image of Superman than being splattered with the blood of his victims. It’s certainly harsher than this.

p. 406 – A Christmas Story The Kids Action Figures Boxed Set:

Oh, man, that poor Flick never catches a break.

p. 412 – Star Trek Retro Bridge Playset:

I had the original version of this when I was a kid. I need someone out there to keep me from ordering this newly-manufactured rerelease. (Though that $60 price tag is enough to slow me up a bit.)

But still, it was way cool, man. It came with cardboard viewscreen images, a Captain’s chair, and stools. Stools, man! There was also this little room off to the side that, I guess, was supposed to be a Jeffries tube, but I always figured it was the bathroom. Yeah, I know, that was weird. EDIT: The little room isn’t the transporter/spinner thing…there’s a small “door” right next to the transporter (you can see it sort of pushed inward slightly in the picture above…it has a yellow stripe down the right side). It opened up into a triangular room that used the space in that section of the playset not occupied by the transporter mechanism.

Read more about the original playset here.

p. 418 – Ghostbusters Slimer Action Figure:

Speaking of bathrooms…looks like Slimer has a little ghost-incontinence there.

p. 429 – Supersized Xtreme Dform Statues:

So, what’s so “dformed” about the Rambo figure?

Also, don’t use the word “Xtreme,” ever, for anything.

p. 434 – Star Wars Classics Snowtrooper Bust:

Always seemed to me the poor Snowtroopers never got their due. They had cool costumes an’ all, but were always overlooked in favor of their more common comrades in arms. (Er, not that this bust has arms.)

I even took a picture of a Snowtrooper at a convention. Here, check it out.

Just look at those sad little eyes on that Snowtrooper mask. “Take me home…wuv me” he’s saying.

p. 444 – Daredevil Movie Fine Art Bust:

A Daredevil movie bust? Now?

“A perfect facial resemblance to a-lister Ben Affleck is apparent in this 9″ tall fine art bust….”

How many years ago was this solicitation text written?

p. 446 – Witchblade Anime ArtFX Statues – Sexy Masane:

I know this actually popped out…er, up earlier in Previews, but that would have put it at the very top of this post, and it’s bad enough the pic’s even right here.

I don’t even have a joke. Just…the hell, man?

p. 452 – Shunya Yamashita Character Series Nasuka PVC Statue:

The solicitation text for this item uses the following words and/or phrases:

“Dressed”

“Steampunk”

“Provocative, yet innocent”

“Stunning”

“Wraps herself around her sword”

Words/phrases not used in the solicitation text:

“Panties”

“You can see her panties”

“Did we mention her panties?”

p. 460 – Naruto Pakkun Plush Bag:

“Say, I’m looking for a snazzy new handbag. Watcha got?”

“Well, I have this bag that looks like a decapitated dog’s head.”

“Does the dog look sad about being decapitated?”

“Well, certainly.”

“You, sir, have a sale.”

p. 509 – Batman The Movie Special Edition:

Pal Dorian had told me about this redesigned packaging for the 1966 Batman movie starring Adam West, when it started popping up, oh, around the time the new Dark Knight showed up in theatres. This new design is, perhaps, not exactly evocative of the pure joy that waits within.

Here’s what my copy of the movie looks like:

That new release of this movie is already showing up in $5 bins. Good time to buy it if you don’t have it already.

Marvel Previews p. 83 – Wolverine and Power Pack #1:

Well, that looks okay, but it ain’t a patch on this previous meeting between these characters:

So, so very inappropriate. Yet always funny!

Hey, as long as you’re not sick of ’em, I’ll keep doing ’em! It’s time once again to plow through the new Diamond Previews catalog and see what crimes against God and nature exist within…whip out your copy of the August 2008 volume and follow along, if you’ve got the guts. (Previous installments are, as always, linked in the sidebar.)

p. 121 – Watchmen Movie Rorschach Grappling Gun and Mask Prop Replica Set:

DC Direct’s Watchmen merch-a-gasm continues, with this troubling set. Now, the gun is “permanently attached to a display base,” to keep people from, I don’t know, waving it around at the frozen yogurt shop or something. But the mask…the mask is removable and, presumably, wearable, and, hopefully, not leading to any news stories similar to this one.

p. 201 – Archie Americana Volume 9 The Best of the ’90s TP:

They had enough to fill a book? Well, maybe it has those last few stories by Dan DeCarlo before he got the shaft and the boot.

p. 250 – Zen Intergalactic Ninja #0 99c Special:

“Zen returns completely re-imagined by superstar writer Joe Casey!” exclaims the ad copy, and re-imagined he certainly is, as the last time I checked, Zen was given a nose and a mouth! Surely Mr. Casey didn’t strip our favorite space-ninja of his facial orifices?

p. 303 – Presidential Material Barack Obama & John McCain:

I wonder if some other company will publish a Presidential Material: Ralph Nader comic to steal sales away from these titles?

(Hate mail in 3…2…)

p. p388 – Bat-Manga! The Secret History of Batman in Japan:

As someone who’s seen some vintage Japanese Batman stuff, usually courtesy my currently-dormant pal JP…I am reasonably certain this book will be filled with some weird-ass crap. You think you know bizarre Batman? Gird your loins, chum.

p. 423 – Doctor Doom Doomie t-shirt:

Just having a hard time picturing someone refer to Doom as “Doomie.” You know, to his face. Well, aside from the Thing…and maybe Spider-Man.

Yes, I know none of these people are real.

p. 426 – I’ve Never Had… Double-Sided Black T-Shirts:

Shirts with suggestive fronts, and drink recipes on the back. I designed my own shirt front, but may have missed the point slightly:

p. 426 – Star Wars Slippers:

Perhaps not as bizarre as these, but still…AAAAAAH! It’d be like having little green Mel Tormé heads on your tootsies.

p. 437 – Barbie Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds Doll:

I’m not sure what I can add to that picture. It’s Barbie…with black birds swarming her, threatening to peck out her perfect eyes and rip out her hair for their nests. This is both hysterical and absolutely terrifying and will never, ever know the touch of a child.

p. 438 – Godzilla Godzooky Plush:

Okay, for all you people who gave me grief over identifying a character as Godzooky who wasn’t Godzooky in the original version of this post: here you go. I now know the difference between the two characters. I am enlightened.

p. 442 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer Angel 1/1 Scale Puppet Replica:

Oh for God’s sake, it’s yet another permutation of the Angel Puppet, only this time “life”-sized and with a removable nose and working mouth and poseable arms and I have no idea if the previous puppets had any of these features but, geez, let’s give it a rest already.

If a “life”-sized Spike Puppet follows, I totally quit.

p. 464 – Jean Grey Black Queen Statue:

“So, Bob…”

“Yeah?”

“What’s…um, what’s with the statue of the dominatrix on your mantel?”

“That’s not a dominatrix…that’s Jean Grey!”

“‘Jean Grey.'”

“Yeah, you know, from the X-Men!”

“I don’t remember her like that from the movie.”

“Well, no, this was from the comics. See, she was brainwashed into joining the Hellfire Club…”

“The ‘Hellfire Club.'”

“Yeah, they’re like a group of villains, and they sorta made her join.”

“So the Hell Club made Jean Grey evil and she turned into a dominatrix.”

“Hellfire Club, and no, she’s not a domi…look, here are the comics. Just read these and it’ll explain everything.”

“Uh, who’s the dominatrix in the white outfit?”

“That’s Emma Frost…she’s from the Hellfire Club.”

“So she’s another evil woman in, what, lingerie?”

“Er…yeah.”

“I’m learning an awful lot about you, Bob.”

“Me? I didn’t write these comics!”

p. 466 – Adam West busts:

Normally I’d make fun of statues and busts based on a television superhero’s alter ego’s likeness rather than the superhero him/herself…but, c’mon, it’s freakin’ ADAM WEST. He’s practically a superhero just on his own.

I like that you get your choice of jackets. Blue or checkered, sir?

p.470 – Rambo 1/6 Scale Figure:

I’m not sure I’m badass enough to own a likeness of Stallone that’s 1/6th as big as he is. I’d be afraid to have it in the house.

p. 490 – SMC-Ikki Tousen Kan-U Unchou PVC Figure:

Yet another in a long line of “CROTCH ATTACK – GO!” plastic, easily washable Japanese statues, which I normally wouldn’t bring up yet again. But, really, the more you look at that, the more you gotta wonder: “What kind of defense and/or attack posture is that, exactly?” Unless, you know, she’s distracting you while her partner clocks you over the head from behind.

p. 503 – Barack Obama Talking Bobblehead:

I assure you, this following joke is strictly nonpartisan. I’d use a McCain or Nader or Sharpton or McKinley or whoever bobblehead as a springboard for the same gag.

Disclaimer aside, bad joke COMING THRU:

“A Talking Bobblehead toy of a politician? What’s the difference from the real thing? AMIRIGHT?“

…

Well, that was a lot of set-up for nothing. Sorry about that.

p. 503 – The Exorcist Regan Head Knocker:

“…Complete with bobble head and bobble bed action.”

I’m pretty sure Regan’s head did more than just bobble in this movie. And I never want to see the phrase “bobble bed” ever again.

But it could have been worse. There could have been a bobble toy based around that scene with the crucif…oh, I’m not even going to finish that thought.

p. 507 – Smallville Kara’s Kryptonian Bracelet:

Let’s flash-forward to a Previews catalog a few years from now:

“These Wonder Woman Magical Bracelet replicas are directly modeled on the props from the new hit Hollywood movie, and not at all those old Smallville bracelets with the S-logo buffed out and a Wonder Woman logo etched in!”

p. 507 – Smallville Veritas Key:

“Commemorate with this key prop replica that whole ‘Veritas’ thing, one of the most shoehorned-in plot developments in Smallville‘s broadcasting history. And given this is Smallville we’re talking about, that’s sayin’ something.”

p. 511 – The Nightmare Before Christmas Oogie Boogie Head Plush:

I wonder if once a year they dip into the unsold stock of Harry Potter Sorting Hat plushes, dye the material and make some other minor cosmetic changes, and vee-ola, Oogie Boogie.

Well, no, I suppose not.

p. 517 – Star Trek The Original Series 11-inch Nutcrackers:

Hey, Lena and JK! Does this count as another medium William Shatner has conquered? I dare say…yes, yes it is.

Also, I think we can assume Kirk has cracked some nuts in his day. That smarmy Chekov bastard needed a good nutcrackin’, quite frankly.

p. 517 – Star Wars Fabric Maches:

I was going to say something about “undermining the integrity of the characters,” but I don’t think there’s anything the merchandise can do that Episodes I-III hadn’t already.

p. 526 – Clue Harry Potter Edition:

“Was it Draco Malfoy with a Sleeping Draught in the Owlery?”

I’d normally prefer to not end on something with solicitation text that makes me want to punch somebody, but, alas, I must go where Previews takes me.

If you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do, the best that you can do is to once again, journey with me through the newest issue of the Diamond Previews catalog (the July 2008 edition). Find your copy and follow along! (Previous entries in the sidebar, as always.)

p. 128 – New Gods Series 2 Action Figures:

For full authenticity, the Superman figure should come with Murphy Anderson or Al Plastino-styled alternate heads.

p. 140 – Youngblood: Bloodsport #2:

Well, gang, we’re just gonna have to face it…one way or another, we’re gonna be dealing with Youngblood for the rest of our lives. There is no escape. It’s like the black mold of the comics industry…the only way we’ll be rid of it is to burn the whole industry down to the ground and start again.

p. 158 – Dr. Suess’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! figures:

Traditionally, the only figure in any given McFarlane action figure assortment that sells well is the female figure.

If the “Cindy Lou Who” turns out to be the hot seller…that’s it. I give up all hope.

p. 257 – Lone Ranger #13 “Authentix” Edition:

I’m just a little amused that they saw the need to run an image of the blank cover. (Yes, I’m aware of the irony of my running it, too.)

p. 412-3 – Costume shirts:

Now, there are a whole bunch of shirts across these two pages that duplicate costumes from comics and movies:

There’s an even more general purpose shirt, if you want to…uh, dress as a gentleman with an interesting story to tell, apparently:

But I had ideas for a couple more costume shirts that may be a bit more relevant to the comics consumer. For example, my “Comic Book Internet Message Board Participant” costume:

I mean, judging by how people are acting because DC honcho Dan DiDio…I don’t know, peed in their Wheaties, I guess…they must all be wearing something like this, I imagine.

In the interest of fairness (a rare occurrence in my “End of Civilization” posts), here is my “Comics Retailer” costume shirt:

I don’t know what that slogan means, either. Ask former employee Nathan…he’s the one who came up with it.

p. 416 – Marvel Punisher Belt Buckle:

When the dreams of Chris Sims become reality.

p. 418 – The X-Files Movie Mulder & Scully Black T-Shirt:

Man, has it been long enough that nostalgic retro-merchandise for X-Files is now being released? It doesn’t seem like it was that long ag…huh? What’s that you say? There’s a new X-Files movie…? C’mon, seriously?

p. 422 – Classic Battlestar Galactica Lucifer 12-Inch Action Figure:

I’d never noticed how rich and full Lucifer’s lips were before. I was going to make a “why does a robot need lips” joke, or say something about Lucifer, hearing that Galactica was popular again, went in for a Botox treatment to snazz himself up for the public…but no, he’s always kinda looked like that. Huh.

THE LIPS

OF LUCIFER

p. 450 – 30 Days of Night Mini Vampire Skull Set:

I don’t care how you’d try to explain it to the neighbors, this is still a display featuring two human-ish skulls. It’s gonna look kinda weird next to the good china in your display case.

p. 454 – The Ultimates Thor’s Hammer 1/1 Scale Replica:

…and Thor Lord of Asgard 1/1 Scale Helmet Replica:

I’m of two minds on this. On one hand, I’d give nearly anything to see someone come into our store wearing that helmet and wielding that hammer. On the other hand…I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with someone in our store wearing that helmet and wielding that hammer.

p. 482 – Doctor Who Dalek Voice Changer Helmet

OH COME ON. I realize there’s no way to look cool wearing one of these Doctor Who voice changer helmets…but seriously, the kids wearing the other voice changer helmets are totally going to pick on the kid wearing this voice changer helmet for looking too much like a dork.

p. 501 – Secret Wishes costumes:

Due to the “Fairness in Making Fun of Previews Items” Blog Distribution Act, this page is being reserved for the use of Chris Sims.

p. 503 – The Ghost Writer Automatic Writing Kit:

“The Ghost Writer Automatic Writing Kit is their newest invention, and with it they once again share their secrets for initiating communication with the psychic universe. Thanks to a specially designed planchette, it allows information to stream directly from the spirit world and through the user’s fingertips. This technique, known as automatic writing or trace drawing, is a well-known vehicle for channeling books, art, and music, interpreting dreams, unblocking memories, and solving life’s most intractable problems.”

I am so glad the Previews staff put this thing under the “Fantasy” heading.

p. 504 – Piratey stuff:

Said piratey stuff is accompanied by this Previews art slug:

“Pi-radical?” Good Lord. Can we consider this the death knell for the whole “Talk Like A Pirate” thing?

p. 507 – Smallville Zor-El Blue Kryptonite Ring on Chain:

Not mentioned in the solicit: ring totally controls your Bizarro problem.

But really, that’s just a ring with a blue stripe of…something on it. You’ve got to be a really hardcore Smallville fan to just look at it and say, “whoa, hey, is that Zor-El‘s ring you’re wearing? No way!”

p. 510 – Gears of War Cog Tags:

Please tell me those aren’t just machine parts on a chain.

p. 526 – Munchkin Chibithulhu Plush Green:

They’ve been doing cute and bizarre variations on H.P. Lovecraft’s terrifying monster for years now, but, really, I think with this we’ve reached Cthulhu’s cuteness saturation point:

Any cuter we’ll achieve some sort of singularity, I’m sure.

p. 528 – Family Guy Life:

So I presume that at various points during the game, there are flashbacks to other board games the Family Guy characters (or someone famous, loosely caricatured) may have played, and we all pretend it’s funny?

Marvel Previews p. 99 – X-Men Magik – Storm & Illyana Premiere HC:

Now presenting, Things That Don’t Need Hardcover Editions:

Marvel Previews p. 101 – Marvel Boy Premiere HC:

Now presenting, Things That Don’t Necessarily Need A Hardcover Edition, But I’ll Accept as a Hardcover Edition Since The Paperback Version Screwed up the Double-Page Layouts and Hopefully They’ve Got That Fixed by Now: