Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization.

§ June 26th, 2008 § Filed under End of Civilization Comments Off on Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization.

If you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do, the best that you can do is to once again, journey with me through the newest issue of the Diamond Previews catalog (the July 2008 edition). Find your copy and follow along! (Previous entries in the sidebar, as always.)

p. 128 – New Gods Series 2 Action Figures:

For full authenticity, the Superman figure should come with Murphy Anderson or Al Plastino-styled alternate heads.

p. 140 – Youngblood: Bloodsport #2:

Well, gang, we’re just gonna have to face it…one way or another, we’re gonna be dealing with Youngblood for the rest of our lives. There is no escape. It’s like the black mold of the comics industry…the only way we’ll be rid of it is to burn the whole industry down to the ground and start again.

p. 158 – Dr. Suess’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! figures:

Traditionally, the only figure in any given McFarlane action figure assortment that sells well is the female figure.

If the “Cindy Lou Who” turns out to be the hot seller…that’s it. I give up all hope.

p. 257 – Lone Ranger #13 “Authentix” Edition:

I’m just a little amused that they saw the need to run an image of the blank cover. (Yes, I’m aware of the irony of my running it, too.)

p. 412-3 – Costume shirts:

Now, there are a whole bunch of shirts across these two pages that duplicate costumes from comics and movies:

There’s an even more general purpose shirt, if you want to…uh, dress as a gentleman with an interesting story to tell, apparently:

But I had ideas for a couple more costume shirts that may be a bit more relevant to the comics consumer. For example, my “Comic Book Internet Message Board Participant” costume:

I mean, judging by how people are acting because DC honcho Dan DiDio…I don’t know, peed in their Wheaties, I guess…they must all be wearing something like this, I imagine.

In the interest of fairness (a rare occurrence in my “End of Civilization” posts), here is my “Comics Retailer” costume shirt:

I don’t know what that slogan means, either. Ask former employee Nathan…he’s the one who came up with it.

p. 416 – Marvel Punisher Belt Buckle:

When the dreams of Chris Sims become reality.

p. 418 – The X-Files Movie Mulder & Scully Black T-Shirt:

Man, has it been long enough that nostalgic retro-merchandise for X-Files is now being released? It doesn’t seem like it was that long ag…huh? What’s that you say? There’s a new X-Files movie…? C’mon, seriously?

p. 422 – Classic Battlestar Galactica Lucifer 12-Inch Action Figure:

I’d never noticed how rich and full Lucifer’s lips were before. I was going to make a “why does a robot need lips” joke, or say something about Lucifer, hearing that Galactica was popular again, went in for a Botox treatment to snazz himself up for the public…but no, he’s always kinda looked like that. Huh.



p. 450 – 30 Days of Night Mini Vampire Skull Set:

I don’t care how you’d try to explain it to the neighbors, this is still a display featuring two human-ish skulls. It’s gonna look kinda weird next to the good china in your display case.

p. 454 – The Ultimates Thor’s Hammer 1/1 Scale Replica:

…and Thor Lord of Asgard 1/1 Scale Helmet Replica:

I’m of two minds on this. On one hand, I’d give nearly anything to see someone come into our store wearing that helmet and wielding that hammer. On the other hand…I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with someone in our store wearing that helmet and wielding that hammer.

p. 482 – Doctor Who Dalek Voice Changer Helmet

OH COME ON. I realize there’s no way to look cool wearing one of these Doctor Who voice changer helmets…but seriously, the kids wearing the other voice changer helmets are totally going to pick on the kid wearing this voice changer helmet for looking too much like a dork.

p. 501 – Secret Wishes costumes:

Due to the “Fairness in Making Fun of Previews Items” Blog Distribution Act, this page is being reserved for the use of Chris Sims.

p. 503 – The Ghost Writer Automatic Writing Kit:

“The Ghost Writer Automatic Writing Kit is their newest invention, and with it they once again share their secrets for initiating communication with the psychic universe. Thanks to a specially designed planchette, it allows information to stream directly from the spirit world and through the user’s fingertips. This technique, known as automatic writing or trace drawing, is a well-known vehicle for channeling books, art, and music, interpreting dreams, unblocking memories, and solving life’s most intractable problems.”

I am so glad the Previews staff put this thing under the “Fantasy” heading.

p. 504 – Piratey stuff:

Said piratey stuff is accompanied by this Previews art slug:

“Pi-radical?” Good Lord. Can we consider this the death knell for the whole “Talk Like A Pirate” thing?

p. 507 – Smallville Zor-El Blue Kryptonite Ring on Chain:

Not mentioned in the solicit: ring totally controls your Bizarro problem.

But really, that’s just a ring with a blue stripe of…something on it. You’ve got to be a really hardcore Smallville fan to just look at it and say, “whoa, hey, is that Zor-El‘s ring you’re wearing? No way!”

p. 510 – Gears of War Cog Tags:

Please tell me those aren’t just machine parts on a chain.

p. 526 – Munchkin Chibithulhu Plush Green:

They’ve been doing cute and bizarre variations on H.P. Lovecraft’s terrifying monster for years now, but, really, I think with this we’ve reached Cthulhu’s cuteness saturation point:

Any cuter we’ll achieve some sort of singularity, I’m sure.

p. 528 – Family Guy Life:

So I presume that at various points during the game, there are flashbacks to other board games the Family Guy characters (or someone famous, loosely caricatured) may have played, and we all pretend it’s funny?

Marvel Previews p. 99 – X-Men Magik – Storm & Illyana Premiere HC:

Now presenting, Things That Don’t Need Hardcover Editions:

Marvel Previews p. 101 – Marvel Boy Premiere HC:

Now presenting, Things That Don’t Necessarily Need A Hardcover Edition, But I’ll Accept as a Hardcover Edition Since The Paperback Version Screwed up the Double-Page Layouts and Hopefully They’ve Got That Fixed by Now:

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