Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
So it’s come to this…the 49th installment of the End of Civilization, not to mention post #2600 on this site. Either way, that’s a lot of typing. And here’s more typing to add to the pile, so whip open your copy of the March 2009 Previews and follow along!
p. 179 – Marvel Minimates Wolverine Through the Ages Set:
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a Minimate figure with quite that terrifying of a visage before. “Oh my God, my hands, my hands…they’re smooth, hideous clamps!”
p. 213 – Liongate Films Leprechaun #1:
C’mon, how’re you guys gonna top this previous adaptation?
Which reminds me…reader John T. answered my unintended plea from that post way back when, and I never got around sharing what he sent he with the rest of you. UNTIL TODAY. Presenting to you some bonus Progressive Ruin content, courtesy John T. — Leprenopoly!
CLICK TO MAKE LEPRECHAUNIER
p. 233 – The Boys: Herogasm #1:
Well I know I certainly can’t wait to have that cover on display on our “New Arrivals” rack.
p. 312 – The Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine – Gladiator & Morbius:
“Darn you kids! Quit making fun of my awesome Mohawk!”
“Blah! I’m a vampire! Bl — ah, forget it, I’m just not feeling it.”
p. 354 – Blacula 12-inch Collector Action Figure:
Just thought I’d let a little cool in here.
p. 368 – Friday the 13th – Jason’s Machete Replica:
“This metal and wood reproduction of Jason’s iconic weapon is 3 feet in length and has the real weight and feel of an actual machete.”
For $179, which I imagine could also buy you a real machete or three. Not that I’ve been doing any machete pricing lately.
p. 370 – Hydra Mini-Bust 3-Pack:
“The Wave!”
p. 372 – Mr. Sinister Statue:
Man, this guy’s totally hogging the dance floor. “‘Ain’t no mountain high enough?’ Ain’t no dance floor big enough!” (Joke courtesy late ’80s Dennis Miller.)
p. 376 – Rock Iconz Rush “Starman” Statue:
So..revealed at last, once people get their hands on this thing…the face of Starman? (Or has it been shown before…I like Rush an’ all, but I’m no expert on Rush trivia.)
p. 376 – Star Wars “Hoth” Han Solo Mini-Bust:
“Oh, man, I thought these new extra-long antennas would work, but my remote control snowspeeder still flew out of range! Guess I’d better upgrade to Wookiee-length.”
p. 388 – Marvel Comics Fine Art Theatre – The Infinity Gauntlet:
Man, looks like they had a mold explosion in the statue factory. “Do you suffer the heartbreak of…Silver Surfer armpit? Do Heralds of Galactus dangle uncomfortably from your body?”
By the way, I have to call shenanigans on their description of this statue being a “fine art” piece, since there is no LED lighting function mentioned in the solicitation. And, as we learned a couple of months back, it ain’t art without LEDs.
p. 394 – Michael Jackson “Thriller” Vinyl Figures:
I’m having a hard time deciding which is more terrifying:
Though I suppose this face gives the “zombie” figure the edge:
But still not as frightening as the real thing.
Yes, I went for the easy joke. I’m not proud.
p. 399 – Watchmen Movie Nite Owl Costume:
How fans wanted Nite Owl to look in the film:
And how Nite Owl does look in the film:
p. 399 – Watchmen Movie Rorschach Accessories:
Oh, I don’t know that this is something we’d want to encourage.
p. 400 – Watchmen Movie Silk Spectre Costume:
Employee Aaron: “Wow…do you think male comic fans are going to try to get their girlfriends to dress up like Silk Spectre?”
Me: “I suspect there’ll be some dressing up with these costumes, but not by their girlfriends.”
Employee Aaron: “Huh?”
Me: “I’ll explain when you’re older.”
p. 400 – Watchmen Movie Dr. Manhattan Mask & Hands:
Employee Aaron: “Why do the rest of the characters have full costumes, and Dr. Manhattan just had a mask and those gloves?”
Me: “Presumably you’d use blue body paint to complete the effect.”
Employee Aaron: “Ewwwww.”
Me: “I’m gonna guess that the costumes at the San Diego Con are going to be a lot of fun this year.”
p. 402 – Wolverine Origins Deluxe Adult Costume:
“The costume recreates perfectly the costume worn by actor Hugh Jackman….”
Oh, for the sake of the movie, I hope not.
p. 402 – Thor Deluxe Adult Helmet:
Included simply to present the single great costume model ever presented in the pages of this catalog. In fact, if there were some way to make a mold of that face and make it part of the helmet….
p. 405 – Wolverine Extreme Green Large Journal:
“Dear Journal – Scott was mean to me again today. Jean won’t notice me. Ran out of beer and cigars. Someone scratched my Book of Love album. They’d better not cancel Dollhouse. My life sucks. I’m gonna polish my claws and avoid everyone for the rest of the day. Yrs – L.”
p. 420 – Watchmen Original Soundtrack Limited Edition 12-Inch Picture Disc Record:
From the blurb at the beginning of this section of the catalog:
“My Chemical Romance’s cover of Bob Dylan’s ‘Prison Flight’ is available on vinyl, just as it would have been in Watchmen’s alternate 1985!”
Okay, sure, however you want to justify it. And apparently there’s no escape from My Chemical Romance or Bob Dylan, even in an alternate reality. (EDIT: I know they messed up this particular blurb.)
Marvel Previews p. 106 – Marvel Saga Astonishing X-Men, Squadron Supreme, Runaways GN – TP:
So this is a trade paperback reprinting of those “catch-up” comics that condensed down several months’ worth of issues into one-shots that covered most of the plot points via select reprinted pages and summary text.
I suspect Marvel may have been better served printing up cheap sampler issues for the series featured here, each with a single issue, or “chapter,” taken from one of the trade paperbacks (like what DC is doing with their “After Watchmen” comics).
But I suspect this book does fill the “too busy to devote the time to read an entire narrative/not enough money to buy all the books” niche market, so I can’t blame Marvel for finding ways to get everyone’s money.
Still…c’mon, seriously?
