Progressive Ruin presents…a Merry Christmas and a Happy End of Civilization!

§ December 25th, 2008 § Filed under End of Civilization Comments Off on Progressive Ruin presents…a Merry Christmas and a Happy End of Civilization!

IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! Santa has brought you good boys and girls another choice selection from the latest Diamond Previews catalog (the Jan. 2009 edition), so if you’re done opening presents and you’re sick of dealing with your family…well, spend some time with me as we peruse these fine items:

p. 195 – Wizard #210:

If you’re going to throw the phrase “Bosom Buddies” around and not give me Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari in dresses, well, I can only express my extreme disappointment.

Though I suppose I should commend Wizard for one of its rare instances of restraint and not giving us, I don’t know, Power Girl and Witchblade in the ad. Because, you know, “‘bosom,’ tee hee.”

p. 217 – Betty #179:

Hey, Betty, I’m pretty sure Green Day is still performing…they’re just fine, thank you.

p. 244 – Tarot Witch of the Black Rose #55 Previews Exclusive 9th Anniversary Photo Cover:

Normally I’d let the expert in all things Tarotian, Mr. Sims, handle this, but…9th anniversary? Really? Unless they’re just really genuinely surprised that they actually were able to keep doing this for nine years. Or maybe the number “9” is some naked magical thing that they’re referencing. Who knows.

p. 348 – Girls of Gaming Volumes 1 and 2:

“More than just a pin-up book, Girls of Gaming celebrates gaming’s vast line-up of heroines, from the cute, to the sexy, and everything in-between. From Lara Croft to Aerith Gainsborough, from Vanessa Schneider (P.N. 03) to Farmer (Dungeon Siege), the ‘girls of gaming’ are brought to life through CGI renders, concept artwork, and commissioned and exclusive original artwork. Each volume of Girls of Gaming features hundreds of full-color images, interviews with the creators, gamers, and the girls themselves….”

Emphasis mine. Though there’s really no end of things I could have emphasized there.

p. 362 – How to Cosplay Volume 1:

“Step One: Buy mace. Lots of it. Maybe get a taser, too.”

p. 378 – Superman “Mini-Bling” Black T-Shirt:

I suspect a fundamental misunderstanding of the Superman character is at play here.

p. 388 – The Creature from The Black Lagoon Super-Size Creepy Collector’s Figure:

“Hey, who wants a hug? A wet, squishy, vaguely-smelling-of-fish hug?”

p. 412 – Conan the Conqueror Statue:

“Conan, what is best in life?”

“Enjoying the bucking bronco ride at the country-western bar between the wet-shirt contests! Oh, and driving my enemies before me, the lamentation of their women, blah blah.”

p. 416 – Saw – Jigsaw’s Gauntlet Prop Replica:

I should stop being surprised by these things by now, but seriously…what are you going to do with this?

On second thought…perhaps I would like to remain blissfully ignorant.

p. 420 – Man Ape Mini-Bust:

Every month, I think Marvel has reached the absolute nadir of characters to translate to convenient bust form, and every time I’m proven incorrect.

Man Ape. Seriously.

p. 422 – Offered Again: Marvel Universe Civil War Busts:

So the statues with the series logo and exploding crotches tying into the crossover event from about two crossovers ago haven’t sold out? A B-list villain, a goofy-looking Wolverine, and Spider-Man in that costume he doesn’t wear anymore?


p. 426 – Star Trek The Original Series Classic Captain’s Chair Replica:

While I’m the first to acknowledge the sheer awesomeness and power of Kirk’s Chair, it seems the price of $2,717.01 is both steep and annoying cutesy. Plus, it looks like you could probably build your own, given some moderate skill with tools and finding the right kind of chair to build your wooden box base around.

There, that’s a good summer project for some of you. Not me, I’d end up nailing my hand to the Captain’s Log or something. Boy, that sounds dirty.

p. 430 – Star Wars Garindan Mini-Bust:

You really want a statue of this son-of-a-bitch? This guy totally snitched to the Stormtroopers where Luke, Han and gang were at. Also:

“…Nicknamed by Jabba the Hutt ‘Long Snoot’ for his long, green-black elephantine trunk….”

My first reaction was “oh, c’mon, no Jabba didn’t,” but that freakin’ Expanded Universe, man…no minor character is left untouched. I’m sure in Star Wars: Hoojib Attack Volume Four: The Vengeance of Plif Garindan’s nicknaming was covered.

p. 438 – Super-Bastard Box Art Character Toy Mini-Figures:

Huh, that’s funny…not one of them looks a thing like Kevin Church.

p. 452 – Twitch the Raccoon Plush:

Yes, that’s little stuffed guts coming out of him, and stitched-on tire treads. This is grossly fantastic.

p. 462 – The Spirit Wrench Keychain Bottle Opener:

While I’m looking forward to The Spirit film, I realize that other, less enlightened, folks are deriding this movie adaptation, and it looks like it may be heading for a box office bust. And thus, this item, and the other tie-in products scattered throughout this catalog…well, for one, the movies opening today, and even if we did order these items, they probably wouldn’t show up until the film was on DVD. And at this point…I don’t expect there’s going to be a huge demand for Spirit junk.

So I can buy it all for cheap in about six months. Ha HA!

p. 463-4 – Watchmen stuff:

I’m taking a kind of perverse fascination in the marketing of this maybe forthcoming Watchmen movie.

Like the Dr. Manhattan baseball cap, or this flask:

Or the beanies…the beanies:

I have to admit I like the idea of being able to get a Rorschach lunchbox:

But this:

“…This iconic phrase, coined by the Roman poet Juvenal about the limits on police power, is stamped on this metal keychain!”

What kind of a world is it where one can’t get good Juvenal merchandise without it having to be tied into some big Hollywood movie?

And…okay, you got me. This button?

Kind of awesome.

Marvel Previews p. 14 – Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk #3:

Lies. Lies.

Marvel Previews p. 101 – Wolverine GN:

“…For the first time ever, experience the storied saga of everybody’s favorite feral X-Man IN HIS OWN WORDS….”

“…And get this, bub…there was this one time the Ultimate version of me fought the Ultimate version of the Hulk, and it seemed like that battle took over three years to wrap up!”

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