End of Civilization

Bizarro-Mike loves all these items from new Previews! Previews am not June 2008 edition! Bizarro-Mike not want you to follow along, and ‘specially not want you to find links to earlier installments in sidebar!

Bizarro-Mike not start looking at items now! You not look also!

p. 133 – The Joker Poker Set:

“This unique collectors’ item includes a deck of 54 prop replica Joker cards (as seen in The Dark Knight film!) and a standard ‘playable’ 4-suit, 54 card deck defaced by The Joker.”

I like how “playable” is in quotes, as they know you’ll try to use this set for a poker game, and the people you’re playing with will put up with it once, at most, maybe.

p. 263 – Hack/Slash #15:

Just noting this ad as part of this site’s ongoing Jeffrey Combs-watch. “Not just a cheap knockoff, this is the real Reanimator as created by H.P. Lovecraft and envisioned by filmmaker Brian Yuzna!” says the ad copy. Are there other Re-Animator knockoffs around that have been causing problems?

p. 286 – High School Musical Volume 1 GN:

Because nothing works better in comic book form than a story that depends heavily on musical numbers (Neil the Horse aside).

p. 410 – The DC Vault A Museum-in-a-Book Spiral HC:

Oh, good…the Marvel Vault book was getting lonely on the remainder tables.

p. 418 – Dilbert 2.0 20 Years of Dilbert:

“Also included is a piracy-protected disc that contains every Dilbert comic strip to date….”

By “piracy-protected,” they mean “protected at least until the many man-hours and tons of money poured into the DRM protection scheme is handily undone by a quickie bit of programming by a bored 15-year-old computer geek in Ohio…assuming whatever ‘protection’ they’re using isn’t already obsolete by the time this comes out.”

Whoops, sorry, turned into Boing Boing for a moment.

p. 419 – Whack-A-Zombie Kit:

This isn’t so much about the item, which…well, just what we need, more zombie stuff. But I wanted to note the Previews “Zombie-Riffic!” slug that’s accompanying this solicit. Is that new? Have I missed that in past catalogs? Do zombie-related items really need the extra attention?

p. 441 – Rasl T-Shirt:

Demonstrate your immense love of the one whole issue that’s come out so far by sporting this shirt!

p. 442 – Iron Man Belt Buckle:

For some, big clutching hands displayed right above the crotch would be a turn-off. For others, a selling point. Which are you?

Additional theoretical selling point: if the repulsor emitters on Iron Man’s palms glowed. Or blinked.

p. 443 – Otaku Collegiate Navy T-Shirt & Hoodie:

Now, there was a time when being called an “otaku” was something you didn’t want to happen to you, right? I didn’t just imagine that?

p. 454 – Lego Indiana Jones “River Chase” Set:

Huh…I was wondering how they were going to repurpose all those “Crocodile Hunter” playsets.

p. 464 – Rocky 3 Minimates Box Set:

How can you not love Minimate Hulk Hogan? “Thunderlips,” man…”Thunderlips.”

p. 479 – Indiana Jones Artifact Desk Accessories:

Featuring the Ark of the Covenant Card Holder, the Fertility Statue Pencil Cup…

…and the Holy Grail Paperclip Cup. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what Jesus used it for, too.

p. 481 – Star Wars Spirit of Obi-Wan Bobblehead:

Okay, this is only really amusing just because you know Sir Alec Guinness would have been royally pissed off by this. It wouldn’t have stopped him from cashing the checks, of course.

p. 497 – Shining Wind 1/8th Scale Statue Series Blanc Neige – Wind Edition & Elwyn:

The solicitation text makes sure to note the costuming and props for these figures, but thankfully the inset images zoom in good ‘n’ close on the important selling points.

p. 528 – Marvel Metamorphs:

WHAT MUST NOT BE SEEN – Hulk vomits out the remnants of his victims:

Wolverine pushes the limits of his healing power:

“…[Gives] kids a whole new perspective on their favorite heroes!”

I’ll say.

p. 537 – Pooh & Friends Halloween Figurines:

I knew Disney’s animated remake of Silence of the Lambs would come to no good end.

Marvel Previews p. 61 – Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe:

Well, good, we’re always getting requests for this comic. I’m glad Marvel brings it back into print on occasion. Hmmm….what’s it say in the description, there…?

“SKRULL VARIANT?” For a reprint of a comic from 13 years ago? That has nothing to do with Skrulls?

…Oh, wait, it says “Skull variant.” Never mind.

Then again…there are letters missing from “pencils” and “available,” so that “skull” could be missing an “R,” too.

One of these days, I’m going to wise up and stop doing these…you know, spend my time instead “going out” and “meeting friends” and “socializing” and doing other things that I’ve read about in books. But not today! Pull out your copy of Diamond Previews, May 2008 edition, and follow along! Invite your friends over, make a party out of it! Er…you do have friends, don’t you?

You do?

Lucky.

p. 60 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer “Conversations with Dead People” Board:

Comes with this disclaimer:

Not stated: entertainment will be for your friends, when they see you buying into this ouija board crap.

p. 138 – JLA Trophy Room Bat-Cuffs Prop Replica:

These do lock, so don’t lose your special “bat-shaped key.” Otherwise, there’ll be some red faces at the locksmith’s after you or your significant other get trapped in these after a frolicking session of “Batman Catches Catwoman Mishandling the Jewels.”

p. 239 – Bongo Comics:

Prepare yourself for this nightmare fuel:

You’ll be seeing that face again…in your unquiet dreams.

p. 247 – Picture This SC:

Pictures of the colorist/letterer of Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose, as taken by the writer/artist of Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose. Includes pictures of the Ms. G as Tarot. Note it doesn’t say “dressed as” Tarot. (Further Not Safe for Work reading, if you need clarification.)

p. 297 – Michael Golden Heroes & Villains Sketchbook HC:

I wonder if it’ll include this piece which recently wasn’t sold on the eBay. (Link via Neilalien.)

p. 414 – Obsessed with Star Wars:

At $29.95, it seems pretty steep for a trivia book, but:

“…This comprehensive book features an innovative, computerized module embedded on the cover which allows readers to keep score electronically.”

Oh, well, okay then.

p. 451 – Marvel Legends Mighty Muggs Figures:

There’s a certain level of “cuteness” that particular Marvel characters must not achieve, lest some “cute event horizon” is passed and the world endangered.

That being said, BEHOLD CUTE GHOST RIDER:

p. 458 – Desperately Seeking Susan Minimates 2-Pack:

Looks even more lifelike than the actual Madonna.

p. 468 – Star Trek Ultimate 1/4-Scale Captain Kirk Figure:

C’mon, we’re one fourth of the way there. Just go the whole hog, man…LIFE SIZE KIRK FIGURE. It’s gonna happen, sooner or later.

p. 470 – Star Trek TOS Science Tricorder:

Lights up, and features sound effects from the show. When I was a kid, I had one of these…it only sorta looked like the tricorder from the show, but it was also a functioning tape recorder, and therefore a heck of a lot more useful than this newer “prop replica.” Though…hmmm, maybe you can replace that monitor with a video iPod, which would also give you improved sound playback…maybe that can be a summer project for some of you more industrious kids out there. (And if you make it steampunk, it’ll get you on Boing Boing!)

p. 475 – Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter Doll:

I am having a very hard time reconciling that face with the Mad Hatter we’re all familiar with from Disney and the Tenniel drawings. Gaze into the face of madness:

He’ll be visiting your dreams, along with “Grampa Rosie” Simpson from up there in the Bongo Comics listing.

At least there can’t be anything more terrifying than this on the next page….

p. 476 – Alice in Wonderland Humpty Dumpty Doll:

AAAAAAAAAAUGH!

p. 484 – Luke Cage Statues:

So there’s the Classic Luke Cage on the left, there, and the Cage statue designed specifically for Brian Michael Bendis to buy on the right. That was nice of them.

p. 486 – Lord of the Rings Balrog Wall Mount:

Well, apparently enough people wanted a Balrog wall mount, but didn’t want to spring for the larger one, which was approximately one whole city block in width. This one’s 12 inches tall, 12 inches wide, 8 inches deep, and there’s no measuring how deeply upsetting this thing is.

p. 518 – Lost Kubricks:

These are weirding me out, for no particular reason I can articulate. However, I do like that Locke comes with a big honkin’ knife:

Not shown: his “Causing the death of everyone around him, plus causing the occasional explosion” action feature.

p. 518 – Lost Jack Kubrick and Bearbrick Set:

The bear threw me off for a second…and yes, that’s the Lost logo on his tummy. For just the briefest moment, I actually tried to remember if there was an episode of Lost where Jack was being followed around by a giant bear that only he could see, like Harvey.

p. 522 – Prism Ark Priecia 1/8 Scale PVC Figure:

“Precia is thought to be the princess of Wind Land. She is enrolled in the knight school where she is widely known for her expert swordmanship as well as her beauty.”

She’s also widely known for almost wearing panties. She’s from an “erotic video game,” in case you were wondering.

The hair’s neat, though.

p. 532 – Halo 3 Belt Buckles:

“Featuring Shotgun Ammunition or M6B AA Ammunition….”

Please, for the love of God, don’t wear these to school or to an airport.

p. 534 – Chuck Norris Magnet Set:

Keeping up the Chuck Norris Facts Meme Deathwatch, as the Facts are slapped onto yet another product.

The solicitation text attempts another “Fact” — to wit:

“…Chuck Norris can take two comic masters of magnetism, Magneto and Cosmic Boy in a fight. Because he’s Chuck Norris.”

WHAT.

p. 535 – Smallville Dar-Ur [sic] Kryptonian Beacon:

It’s “Dax-Ur,” actually, but it doesn’t change the fact this is still a big ol’ hunk of, presumably, metal that’s of no use whatsoever. And apparently they’re still trying to unload the Kryptonian Key, featured in a previous End of Civilization:

To repeat my previous observation, at $60 and $40 respectively, these are some expensive coasters.

p. 537 – Mr. Clock Radio:

“…The Mr. Clock Radio tells fortunes, speaks the time, and reacts to light and motion.”

Also will absolutely terrify you. Not quite “uncanny valley” territory, since it doesn’t look like an actual human, but darned if it’s not close enough.

p. 555 – Yetisburg Titanic Battles in World History Volume 1 Card Game:

“On the bloody fields of Pennsylvania in 1863, two great armies collided to decide the fate of a nation. At the forefront of the battle stood the mighty Yetis, white-furred giants imported from the wilds of Canada to shred the opposing front lines.”

Say it with me:

“YETISBURG.”

I can’t even make fun of this. It’s…it’s too beautiful.

The Man tried to keep it from you…but there ain’t no stoppin’ the End of Civilization! If you have a copy of Diamond Previews, September 2007 edition, then pull it out and follow along! (Previous installments down there in the sidebar, somewhere.)

p. 166 – McFarlane’s Monsters Series 5 Twisted X-Mas:

Presenting the Mrs. Claus figure…the one figure from this set that’ll sell right away, while Jack Frost and Santa himself will float around the store shelves a bit, reminding you of Christmas 2007 long after the date has passed.

p. 189 – Premiere Collection Swimsuit Psylocke Statue:

Wow, this will go great with that Wolverine Swimsuit Statue that I’m sure Marvel will be putting out Any Day Now.

p. 198-9 – Wizard #194:

Let’s see…the movie is still at least two or three years away, at best, so I suspect Mostly Speculation Ahoy. Here, I’ll give it a shot, myself:

“Will Sam Raimi Direct?”

Maybe…apparently he was asked at the 2007 San Diego Con about it, and he says he might, if he likes the script. However, they’re still short a scriptwriter for the fourth film.

“Does Tobey Maguire Return?”

If the studio dishes out the cash, sure. If not, no.

“Who Will Be The Villains?”

Well, there’s that whole no scriptwriter thing, but of course the moneymen may want certain villains used that’ll make good toys, t-shirts, etc. But I’m guessing we’re probably not getting Dr. Octopus, Green Goblin, Venom, Sandman, or “Hobgoblin” (or whoever Harry was supposed to be). We’re probably not getting Frogman or the White Rabbit, either. Unfortunately.

p. 219 – Rex Libris #3 t-shirt:

I used to work in a library. I would have totally worn this shirt.

p. 339 – Nexus: The Origin:

I know Kevin railed against this sort of thing not long ago, but I do so love the Nexus, and I hate to see it happen here.

p. 424 – Metal Men: Gold & Tin Metallix t-shirts:

It’s an improvement on the original Metal Men shirt designs, I guess…it’s now no longer just a circle on a t-shirt, but a metallicized circle on a shirt.

But still…c’mon.

p. 438 – Spider-Man Ultimate Web Blaster:

What I wouldn’t give to see Spider-Man actually use one of these in the comics. Or even better, in one of the movies. With long, lingering close-ups, focusing on the manufacturer’s brand name emblazoned into the side, and maybe a brief snippet of dialogue where Spidey says something like “Wow, this Ultimate Web Blaster sure is handy! If only all kids across America, and lands abroad, could go to their local toy store and pick up this item for themselves! Then they could be just like me and fight crime!”

Um…I’m not sure where that came from. My apologies.

p. 440 – Back to the Future ’50s Marty & Prom George McFly Previews Exclusive Minimates Two-Pack:

Friends, countrymen…you do know what this means, don’t you?

CRISPIN GLOVER ACTION FIGURE
Okay, it’s just a Minimate, but it’s close enough! (Until the River’s Edge set comes out.)

Related: these folks aren’t too pleased with the Glover figure from Beowulf.

p. 443 – Star Trek The Next Generation action figures:

Oh, goodness me…Miles came out okay, more or less, but Beverly has had some kind of horrible jaw displacement, and Nurse Ogawa’s been smacked with the goofy stick.

Ro Laren didn’t fare much better:

p. 458 – Upper Deck Authenticated Spider-Woman 1/1 Scale Bust:

Somewhere, Brian Michael Bendis is pleased. Very pleased.

p. 462 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer Dulac Cross Replica:

It’s not really an End of Civilization without a Buffy prop. At least this one is useful, as it comes with a hidden knife you can use on anyone who makes fun of you for dropping nearly two hundred bones on this thing. Harsh? Maybe, but it’s a rough ‘n’ tumble life, being a Buff-head, or a Brownpants, or whatever it is you people call yourselves.

p. 462-3 – Elektra Movie Armband 1/1 Scale Replica (among others):

These items (four in all) are rescheduled from the April ’05 Previews. Why’d they even bother? More people read my grocery lists than ever saw this movie…nobody wants any of this junk.

One of the items is “limited to 2,500 pieces worldwide.” Now that’s optimism.

p. 484 – SIF Ex Ikki Tousen Sonsaku Hakufu Fighting PVC Fig:

“CROTCH ATTACK NOW! All the bad guys will fall before the pudendum power blow!”

From the item description:

“Talk about fan service, Sonsaku even comes with a removable dress.”

GEE YOU DON’T SAY.

p. 505 – Labyrinth Golbin [sic] King Jereth’s Necklace Replica:

“…The Goblin King’s amulent compliments [sic] any wardrobe. Although boots, breeches, and riding crops may fall out of style, you can always feel free to ‘Chilly Down’ with Jareth’s amulet at all the goblin masquerades you’re invited to this holiday season.”

I really want to make fun of this, but the reference to Bowie’s “Chilly Down” song warms my shriveled, blackened heart. But, really, I must take issue…riding crops? Out of style? Bite your tongue, sir!

p. 537 – The Smurfs Season 1 Complete DVD Box Set:

I’m adding this to my Netflix queue.

Shut up.

p. 537 – Star Trek The Next Generation 20th Anniversary Complete Series DVD Set:

Wait…Next Generation has been around for twenty years?

SHIT.

Marvel Previews p. 32 – Iron Man & Power Pack #1:

Lessee…at the series’ end, Jack will be dead, Julie will be on the run from the law, Alex will be missing, but that’s okay, ’cause Tony Stark’s made some kind of Alex clone/robot thing to have at his beck and call, and Katie goes to Canada to join Omega Flight.

Hey, kids…kids! Stay away from that bad, bad man! He’s a big jerk!

This post marks two years I’ve been digging through the monthly Diamond Previews catalog, inflicted upon comic book and specialty stores in the U.S. and abroad, finding only the tastiest treasures for you good folks to enjoy. And to think it all started with my stunned disbelief at a Buffy the Vampire Slayer replica stake.

Anyway, if you want to see previous installments, they’re linked in the sidebar…and if you want to follow along with this month’s entry, grab your February 2007 edition of Previews and let’s get started!

p. 170 – For a second there, I thought I saw something called a Spawn 2.7″ Bearbrick Collection, in which the demonically-powered Hellspawn was turned into a cute little bear, but surely I was mista…

…AAAAAAAAH!!!

p. 376 – Magnetic Wisdom Lois Lane’s Guide to Life:

“In this fabulous guide […] lovely Lois explains how to tell super ‘heroes’ from the ‘zeroes,’ reveals how to avoid potential courtship kryptonite, and shows how to bring out the Superman in every man!”

Most of you have read a lot of the same Superman comics I have. Is Lois Lane really someone you want relationship advice from? Is anyone in the Superman family of comics really a good source for this kind of advice? (Okay, maybe Perry…well, then again, his marriage with Alice has had troubles of its own over the y…um, why are you looking at me like that?)

p. 383 – The Big Book of Breasts HC:

You know, they probably would sell more of these if only they’d left the Witchblade logo on the cover.

p. 394 – American Idol Season 6 Trading Cards & Binder:

So not only do they make the cynical manipulation of consumer tastes and the corporately-driven generation of “hot talents” transparent to the public on a popular television show, but they also sell to this same public trading cards based on the process? As evil plans go, this one was exceptionally well-played.

p. 402 – The Flash Track Jacket: Oh, dear, this has “sarcastic nickname” written all over it, like when they call tall guys “Tiny” or fat guys “Slim:”

p. 403 – Ghost Rider “Icon 3” Foil Grey T-Shirt:

During my first pass through the catalog, I thought this was a belt buckle. Imagine my disappointment.

p. 406 – “Evil Keeps Me Young” Black T-Shirt:

If there’s one shirt I never need to see again…. I swear, I know people for whom this is their only t-shirt. Or shirt, period.

p. 408 – Star Trek “Episodes” Black Long-Sleeve T-Shirt:

It’s hard to tell, since the image in the catalog is too small, but I’m assuming it’s a shirt listing the title of every Star Trek episode (Classic series, presumably). I suppose I could look it up online and find out for sure…but I don’t want to discover that I’m wrong.

p. 427 – Star Trek The Wrath of Khan 25th Anniversary Previews Exclusive Kirk Action Figure:

I suppose calling it “Wrath of Khan Kirk ‘Scotty’s Nephew’s Bloodstain’ Variant” would have been in poor taste. (And that’s a figure set we haven’t seen yet: “Scotty w/Dead Nephew” two-pack, reenacting that scene where Scotty hauls his critically-injured nephew up to the bridge instead of, say, to sickbay.)

p. 442 – Star Wars Return of the Jedi Jabba the Hutt Statue:

Like it says, the “Product [is] Not Final,” but whatever the final product ends up being, it damn well better have that Jawa with the fan:

p. 450 – The Cactus Friends: Polpettinia Vinyl Figure:

I don’t even know what the hell this is. All I do know is that it disturbs me deeply. And that it’d probably hurt a lot if you tried to swallow it.

p. 460 – There are an awful lot of pages in this month’s Previews that look just like this:

“Her gigantic eyes tell you everything you need to know about this sensitive cutie. Manaka-chan measures almost 6 inches tall in her kneeling position.”

Oh, goodness.

p.467 – Doctor Who Cyberman Voice Changer:

…And “Reputation Changer,” presumably, if anyone catches you wearing one of these.

p. 481 – “Hmmm…oh, look, a Wonder Woman cookie jar, a Mickey Mouse bank, a Superman logo magnet…say, what’s this at the bottom of the page?”

Why, it’s a Traditional 3-Headed Battle Mace:

“Nothing is cooler than watching the havoc caused by three spiked balls on a chain in a Medieval movie…unless you have your very own! From Master Cutlery comes this awesome recreation of one of the coolest weapons ever!”

Okay, people having cell phones in movie theatres was bad enough, but giving them maces…on the other hand, maybe I can use this to…”discourage” cell phone use while the movie is playing.

Marvel Previews p. 30 – Fantastic Four #545:

Okay, I don’t want to be “that guy,” the one that complains every time there’s an insignificant cosmetic change made to a favored character…but I don’t like glowy face outline Galactus. It reminds me of the old Battlestar Galactica helmets.

Marvel Previews p. 42 – Marvel Adventures The Avengers #12:

“The skies of Earth are a boiling tempest. Tidal waves threaten the coasts. A large dark force draws closer. Is it Armageddon? Naw, that’s love in the air, baby…Ego style!”

First, Ego is a sentient planet with a beard. I think we can all agree that’s cool. But, on top of that, if I’m interpreting the solicitation info correctly…that this story involves Ego falling in love with the Earth…then that picture shows a sentient, bearded planet making googly, flirty eyes at another planet!

Between this and the recent MODOK issue, I hereby declare Marvel Adventures The Avengers…Marvel’s Best Currently-Published Comic Book.

Marvel Previews p. 60 – Silent War #4:

There are so many ways I could have gone with this image, most of which were supremely filthy. Thus, I’m just going to let that pic stand on its own. Enjoy, won’t you?

Yup, it’s that time yet again, as I poke though the latest issue of the Diamond Previews catalog (in this case, the January ’07 edition) and show you Items of Note for your amusement and edification. Whip open your own copies and follow along….

(Previous installments of “The End of Civilization” may be found in the sidebar.)

p. 192 – Marvel Universe Civil War Captain America Bust:

So this statue and the New Avengers Spider-Man bust (discussed previously) are in a race to see who reaches obsolescence first. Well, I suppose you could putty and paint over the engraved “Civil War” lettering on the statue once the series is long forgotten, and voilà, you’ll be left with a swank “Captain America ‘Exploding Crotch'” statue.

p. 288 – Transformers Movie Prequel #2:

Alas, it appears important secrets are revealed on the cover of this issue, as this is all you get in Previews:

Hmmm…I’m guessing it’s going to be a picture of a giant robot or two that I don’t recognize since I don’t know a darned thing about the Transformers. Boy, am I so not the target audience for this.

p. 392 – Galactus Vintage Distressed Shirt:

On the other hand, I am the target audience for this:

Make fun of me if you must, but I think I need this shirt. We’re all nerds about something.

p. 397 – Naruto Sleeping Cap:

I’ve been trying to think of something to say about this item, and all I can come up with is “Santa’s angry possessed hat wants to have some words with you.” Yeah, I know, but that’s all I got.

p. 407 – Mothra Larvae Plush:

It’s the most huggable, lovable grub ever!

p. 418 – Archie Modern Jughead Bust:

Well, as you may have seen on the internet here and there, the “Modern” tag may no longer apply to this statue.

p. 422 – Guitar Heroes Marshall Amp Statue:

“The 9” scale Marshall Full-Stack Amp sculptures are officially licensed with Marshall Amplification, LLC. The Marshall Full-Stack Amp (JCM 800 Series) is a limited edition, hand-numbered, and hand-painted sculpture. The figure will be cast in a poly-resin and hand-painted in fine detail. Each sculpture in the Guitar Hero series is hand-numbered and displayed on an attractive wooden base.

Okay, I know these are designed to go along with the rock musician statues from the same manufacturer, but it’s still a STATUE OF A STACK OF AMPS.

p. 431 – Mahoromatic Mahoro-San & Sportsbike Multi-Material Statue:

Now, there are a few pages devoted to Kotobukiya’s statue output, with lots of exposed bras, short skirts, bikinis, schoolgirls, and so on…but this one has to be the best:

It’s a maid…strike that, an android maid with a gun on a motorcycle. I don’t know why, or how, and I’m not lookin’ for an explanation…just let me enjoy it for what it is: fantastic.

p. 451 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Giant Pez:

“Let Leonardo and Michelangelo fill your mouth cavity with some tempting Pez candy!”

p. 455 – Eragon: Sword of Brom Official Replica:

“Hey, what’s this sword from?”

“It’s a replica of a sword from that one fantasy film…um, the one with the dragons….”

“Lord of the Rings?”

“Um, no, that’s not it….”

“Reign of Fire?”

“No….”

“Dragonslayer?”

“No, I don’t think so….”

“Lord of the Rings?”

“I already said ‘no.'”

“Willow?”

“Uh, maybe….”

“Chronicles of Narnia?”

“I don’t think there were any dragons in that movie….”

p. 456 – Voodoo Babies:

Baby Satan is amusing:

But I think I would have thought twice about using the name they chose for this one:

p. 476 – The Dork of the Rings DVD:

“…This 100-minute irreverent epic parody will keep you in stitches as you watch the throbbit Frudo Buggins, Arogant the Wrangler, Gladwrapriel, Randolf the Wizard, Gimpi the Dweeb, Legoblocks the Elfis and many more buffoons as they journey through Muddle-earth.”

Hell is something like this.

Wait a minute…the new issue of Girls doesn’t have a naked lady on the cover! How do they expect to sell any copies?

Anyway, a new edition of Diamond Previews means, yes, once again, a new installment of PROGRESSIVE RUIN PRESENTS…THE END OF CIVILIZATION (previous installments 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9).

Whip out your copies and celebrate your Thanksgiving (where applicable) by looking at bizarre and peculiar merchandise due out in your local hobby shops in February ’06. It’s what the Pilgrims would have wanted.

p. 26 – Aliens Predator Panel to Panel – There’s some kind of irony, I think, in that Dark Horse is publishing a book showcasing, in part, artwork from the Aliens Vs. Predator comics that they haven’t had in print since before the Aliens Vs. Predator movie.

p. 164 – From McFarlane Toys, a three-dimensional representation of the Led Zeppelin 1 Album Cover. Lemme know when McFarlane gets around to a 3D version of this cover.

p. 186 – I’ve been wanting a Galactus Mini-Mate figure for quite a while now…well, it’s here, it’s eight inches tall, it’s resin, it’s non-posable, and it’s $85. Okay, now I’m wanting an affordable Galactus Mini-Mate figure. One where I can at least move the arms…and maybe take off the helmet to reveal Galen’s face. Let the boy have his dreams.

p. 229 – Friday the 13th: Jason Vs. Jason X #1 – The comic pal Corey and I should have written, with the good Captain taking the old, tired Jason pages, and yours truly taking the pages featuring the vastly improved, and much tougher, Jason X…of the future.

p. 245 – Painkiller Jane returns with a new #1, and will probably end shortly thereafter, as soon as the forthcoming lousy made-for-Sci-Fi Channel movie is inflicted upon an unsuspecting public.

p. 283 – Transformers: Infiltration: “Ask your retialer [sic] how to get the rare Guido Guidi ‘Starscream’ cover.” – No, please don’t. I haven’t checked yet, but it probably involves ordering far more copies of the other covers for our shelves than this dying property deserves.

p. 286 Spike Vs. Dracula #1 – “You know, I bet mention is made of Spike’s claim that Dracula owes him money.” (reads soliciation) “Yup, there it is.”

p. 400 – Oh, for God’s sake, more Lord of the Rings trading cards? Give it a rest, already.

p. 404 – Casino Askew Poker Deck #1 – Hold ‘Em McNeil – Featuring color photos and equally colorful dialogue from the film Chasing Amy on the faces of the cards.

p. 422 – Aliens Deluxe Pewter Chess Sets, with the Aliens versus the Colonial Marines. The Queens are the Queen Alien (natch) and Ripley in the Power Loader. Available in two editions: painted, and plain ol’ unpainted pewter.

p. 422 – Big Screen Bears Series 1:

“Introducing the Big Screen Bears – plush teddy bears patterned after your favorite cult movies characters. Series One is scheduled to include: Pinhead (from Hellraiser), The Bride (from Kill Bill), Jay and Silent Bob (from Clerks), and Jules and Vincent (from Pulp Fiction). Each bear stands approximately 10 inches tall.”

Okay, I started typing that thinking this is a ridiculous idea, but by the time I finished, I realized that there’s nothing I want more than a Pinhead Bear.

p. 425 – Big Bird Deluxe Action Figure! Complete with pal Little Bird! Fantastic.

p. 425 – Labyrinth Goblin King Jareth 12″ Action Figure – Little known fact: money was saved on the Labyrinth film by having David Bowie just wear his own clothes for the shoot.

p. 430 – Transformers: Optimus Prime Head Replica. …There’s not really anything I can add to that.

p. 435 – It wouldn’t be a Previews with some outrageously-priced Buffy the Vampire Slayer prop replica. This time it’s the Vampyr Book Replica, with a “worn leather look” (i.e. probably not actual leather) that “opens to reveal an attractive, velveteen-lined hidden space.” 12 inches by 14 inches by 5 1/2 inches deep…only $129.99.

p. 460 – Monty Python Black Knight Talking Bop Bag – I have yet to be disappointed by any item from Monty Python’s current merchandising onslaught. A Black Knight bop bag is genius.

p. 462 – Cthulhu Novelty Hat:

“The perfect head covering for those cold winter days, costume parties, an evening get-together of Cthulhu’s minions, and the prevention of anything even resembling sex.”

Okay, I may have added that last part.

So I finally get my hands on the new Previews catalog, and while looking through the back pages, I spot the above item. It’s the Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Slayer’s Stake Prop Replica, hand-carved from real wood, with a satin-lined case and engraved plaque, for only $99.99. So help me, if I find out that you’ve bought this, I’m going to go to your house and punch you.*

Also available in this month’s Previews are the Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy Vogon Desk Set Movie Prop Replicas. You can get a Vogon Mug, a Vogon Pen & Stand, or a Vogon Stapler, for a mere $49.99 apiece. I’m not 100% certain that these are functional items…well, I suppose the Vogon Mug would have to be, unless it’s actually a solid block of material with no space to pour liquid into. However, even if they aren’t functional, the solicitation info states that “office supplies make for lively flashbacks” — to the movie, presumably.

While these are mighty contenders for the title of Nerdiest Object Ever, this item, previously discussed, is still the reigning champion.

* Yeah, I know, I’m a fine one to talk.