Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization, 2nd Anniversary Edition!

§ January 25th, 2007 § Filed under End of Civilization Comments Off on Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization, 2nd Anniversary Edition!

This post marks two years I’ve been digging through the monthly Diamond Previews catalog, inflicted upon comic book and specialty stores in the U.S. and abroad, finding only the tastiest treasures for you good folks to enjoy. And to think it all started with my stunned disbelief at a Buffy the Vampire Slayer replica stake.

Anyway, if you want to see previous installments, they’re linked in the sidebar…and if you want to follow along with this month’s entry, grab your February 2007 edition of Previews and let’s get started!

p. 170 – For a second there, I thought I saw something called a Spawn 2.7″ Bearbrick Collection, in which the demonically-powered Hellspawn was turned into a cute little bear, but surely I was mista…


p. 376 – Magnetic Wisdom Lois Lane’s Guide to Life:

“In this fabulous guide […] lovely Lois explains how to tell super ‘heroes’ from the ‘zeroes,’ reveals how to avoid potential courtship kryptonite, and shows how to bring out the Superman in every man!”

Most of you have read a lot of the same Superman comics I have. Is Lois Lane really someone you want relationship advice from? Is anyone in the Superman family of comics really a good source for this kind of advice? (Okay, maybe Perry…well, then again, his marriage with Alice has had troubles of its own over the y…um, why are you looking at me like that?)

p. 383 – The Big Book of Breasts HC:

You know, they probably would sell more of these if only they’d left the Witchblade logo on the cover.

p. 394 – American Idol Season 6 Trading Cards & Binder:

So not only do they make the cynical manipulation of consumer tastes and the corporately-driven generation of “hot talents” transparent to the public on a popular television show, but they also sell to this same public trading cards based on the process? As evil plans go, this one was exceptionally well-played.

p. 402 – The Flash Track Jacket: Oh, dear, this has “sarcastic nickname” written all over it, like when they call tall guys “Tiny” or fat guys “Slim:”

p. 403 – Ghost Rider “Icon 3” Foil Grey T-Shirt:

During my first pass through the catalog, I thought this was a belt buckle. Imagine my disappointment.

p. 406 – “Evil Keeps Me Young” Black T-Shirt:

If there’s one shirt I never need to see again…. I swear, I know people for whom this is their only t-shirt. Or shirt, period.

p. 408 – Star Trek “Episodes” Black Long-Sleeve T-Shirt:

It’s hard to tell, since the image in the catalog is too small, but I’m assuming it’s a shirt listing the title of every Star Trek episode (Classic series, presumably). I suppose I could look it up online and find out for sure…but I don’t want to discover that I’m wrong.

p. 427 – Star Trek The Wrath of Khan 25th Anniversary Previews Exclusive Kirk Action Figure:

I suppose calling it “Wrath of Khan Kirk ‘Scotty’s Nephew’s Bloodstain’ Variant” would have been in poor taste. (And that’s a figure set we haven’t seen yet: “Scotty w/Dead Nephew” two-pack, reenacting that scene where Scotty hauls his critically-injured nephew up to the bridge instead of, say, to sickbay.)

p. 442 – Star Wars Return of the Jedi Jabba the Hutt Statue:

Like it says, the “Product [is] Not Final,” but whatever the final product ends up being, it damn well better have that Jawa with the fan:

p. 450 – The Cactus Friends: Polpettinia Vinyl Figure:

I don’t even know what the hell this is. All I do know is that it disturbs me deeply. And that it’d probably hurt a lot if you tried to swallow it.

p. 460 – There are an awful lot of pages in this month’s Previews that look just like this:

“Her gigantic eyes tell you everything you need to know about this sensitive cutie. Manaka-chan measures almost 6 inches tall in her kneeling position.”

Oh, goodness.

p.467 – Doctor Who Cyberman Voice Changer:

…And “Reputation Changer,” presumably, if anyone catches you wearing one of these.

p. 481 – “Hmmm…oh, look, a Wonder Woman cookie jar, a Mickey Mouse bank, a Superman logo magnet…say, what’s this at the bottom of the page?”

Why, it’s a Traditional 3-Headed Battle Mace:

“Nothing is cooler than watching the havoc caused by three spiked balls on a chain in a Medieval movie…unless you have your very own! From Master Cutlery comes this awesome recreation of one of the coolest weapons ever!”

Okay, people having cell phones in movie theatres was bad enough, but giving them maces…on the other hand, maybe I can use this to…”discourage” cell phone use while the movie is playing.

Marvel Previews p. 30 – Fantastic Four #545:

Okay, I don’t want to be “that guy,” the one that complains every time there’s an insignificant cosmetic change made to a favored character…but I don’t like glowy face outline Galactus. It reminds me of the old Battlestar Galactica helmets.

Marvel Previews p. 42 – Marvel Adventures The Avengers #12:

“The skies of Earth are a boiling tempest. Tidal waves threaten the coasts. A large dark force draws closer. Is it Armageddon? Naw, that’s love in the air, baby…Ego style!”

First, Ego is a sentient planet with a beard. I think we can all agree that’s cool. But, on top of that, if I’m interpreting the solicitation info correctly…that this story involves Ego falling in love with the Earth…then that picture shows a sentient, bearded planet making googly, flirty eyes at another planet!

Between this and the recent MODOK issue, I hereby declare Marvel Adventures The AvengersMarvel’s Best Currently-Published Comic Book.

Marvel Previews p. 60 – Silent War #4:

There are so many ways I could have gone with this image, most of which were supremely filthy. Thus, I’m just going to let that pic stand on its own. Enjoy, won’t you?

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