Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Ellohay, internetway alspay! It’sway onceway againway imetay orfay ethay Endway ofway Ivilizationcay, asway Iway owplay oughthray ethay ewestnay issueway ofway Iamondday Eviewspray andway ickpay outway itemsway ofway interestway orfay educationway andway iscussionday. Ipflay openway ouryay ownway opycay andway ollowfay alongway! Ou’reyay otnay eallyray eadingray isthay, areway ouyay? Eviouspray installmentsway areway, asway alwaysway, inway ethay idebarsay.
p. 137 – Superman/Batman Series 8 Action Figures:
Okay, I probably shouldn’t be complaining about in regards to a set based on the Superman/Batman comic, but, honestly, I think the Direct Market has reached its Superman/Batman action figure saturation point. Where’s my kick-ass Johnny Thunder and his Thunderbolt two-pack?
p. 211 – Archie #592:
Wh–what’s this? A reasonably up-to-date video game reference on the cover of an Archie comic? Given the joke is based on the novelty of a video game that requires folks to peel their hinders from the Barcalounger to jump and move and flail about with the controller, it’s only about two years behind since everyone in the real world is more or less used to the idea of the Wii by now. But, you know, a couple of years behind is pretty good for Archie.
p. 313 – M.I.L.F. Magnet #1:
“That’s right. You read it correctly. And don’t lie to us, you know what a MILF is! You know the kind of guy we’re talking about. It’s not his fault; he just attracts women like nobody’s business – with catastrophic results! After a magical accident during a fight with a supervillain, a young and innocent hero named Taser discovers that he now has a more specific kind of ability. Women of a certain age will just not leave him alone, 24/7!”
I should add something to that, but for the life of me, I can’t.
p. 389 – Topps 2008 Sterling NFL Cards:
No relation.
But wouldn’t it be something if these were cards of me? A card set showing photos of my exciting life…see Mike working! See Mike blogging! See Mike drinking Diet Coke! Not to mention the special rare chase cards, featuring bits of my clothing and clippings from my luxurious golden mane of hair.
p. 400 – The Spirit “My City Screams” Black T-Shirt:
Ooh, I was hoping that one of the more ridiculed lines from The Spirit movie’s advertising campaign would make it onto a shirt I’m not going to wear.
p. 414 – Cinema of Fear Jason 2008 San Diego Comic-Con Deluxe Plush:
I just picked this item at…well, not at random, but this is the goofiest example (is that machete plush, too? I gotta know) of all the leftover “exclusive” merchandise from the San Diego Comic Con. Really, there’s a lot in this catalog…action figures, paperweights, etc. …Wasn’t there a time when a lot of leftover Warner Brothers Store merchandise was making it into the Previews catalog? Because it sort of feels like that.
p. 422 – The Spirit Movie Keychains:
Now, honestly, I enjoyed that brief clip that was up on the internet for about a minute, showing the Spirit fighting the Octopus. It was amusingly goofy, and at times looked as if it were drawn by Will Eisner. But some of the stuff from the ad campaigns, which has ended up on these keychains…egads.
p. 424 – Gangsta Babies Series 1 Dolls:
I can’t say it any better than the solicitation info:
“Comin’ straight outta crib-town! Each of these 10″ hoodlers are A-Listing in the playground! Rockin’ fab-tastic clothing and so much baby bling that other rug rats can only catch their vapors! This first series of Gangsta Babies contains Pookie, the green-eyed baller who features a thermal shirt, t-shirt, dew rag, ring, and pimped out pacifier necklace; Benjino, the carrot-toped homey with a red bubble vest, football jersey, jeans, cassette-shaped ring, and old school boom box necklace; Rey Rey, a playa who is #1 with all the Shorties with a hoodie, skullcap, camo jacket, and shorts; and Big Deuce, the liíl shot-caller is runniní things with a baseball hat, shirt, cuffed jeans, and white do rag, diamond ring, gold rope bracelet, and crown pendant.”
STARE INTO THE DEAD EYES OF BENJINO:
p. 424 – Star Trek The Original Series Tribble Role Play:
You have no idea how disappointed I was that this wasn’t a costume for tribble cosplay…basically like a big ol’ furry beanbag you can roll around in.
Someone, somewhere, at some Star Trek convention or even just in the privacy of their own homes, has dressed as a tribble. Let that ease your dream-filled sleep.
p. 442 – Thor Classic Helmet 1/1 Scale Replica:
This bad boy costs $369…but if you’re the kind of guy who’s gonna dish out for a winged metal hat to display in your home, you’re gonna wear it too. Ain’t no denying it.
p. 442 – Clash of the Titans 2008 San Diego Comic Con Mini-Bust 3-Pack:
Probably the only product featuring exposed breasts that didn’t sell out at the ‘Con.
p. 444 – Rock Iconz Ted Nugent Statue:
WARNING: Mike will repeatedly say “The Nuge!” at the slightest provocation, such as, say, seeing this Previews ad about mid-day at the store. Just letting you know.
p. 446 – Star Wars The Clone Wars Ahsoka Tano Maguette:
“This pre-memorial statue based on the Clone Wars cartoon character pays tribute to young Jedi padawan Ahsoka, doomed to be either exiled or simply outright killed (likely by her master Anakin, for full dramatic impact) during or shortly after the events of Revenge of the Sith. Enjoy her while you can, kids!”
p. 466 – Peter Pan Captain Hook Bust (Color Version):
I’m not seeing the appeal of a Hook statue that doesn’t, oh, I don’t know…show his hook.
p. 486 – Star Wars R2-D2 4 Port USB Hub:
You know, this is about the best match between “licensed character” and “USB hub” that I’ve seen. Pal Sean made a joke about that USB cord being R2’s robot naughty bits, but I’m runnin’ a clean site here, sir. Good day…I said good day!
Marvel p. 83 – Punisher War Zone Minimates Box Set:
If you’re familiar these kinds of figures, you know of their disturbingly noseless visages:
Except this guy, who has enough of a vestigial bridge where his nose should be to wear a NOSE BANDAGE:
This is just slightly upsetting my Minimates worldview.
