End of Civilization

Is it true…? Could it be…? Yes, it is…it’s the End of Civilization, as I work through the newest Diamond Previews catalog and point at things and crack wise about them. It’s all in good fun, folks. Plus, if I don’t get it out here, I’ll take it out on my customers or on Employee Aaron, and nobody wants that. Especially Employee Aaron. So grab your September 2011 edition of Previews and follow along! And before you say anything, yeah, I didn’t include Green Arrow. Not enough…um, well, you’ll see.

p. 28-29 – Angel & Faith #4 & Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 9 #3:

…But not in any of the listed credits of the folks actually working on the books. He simply hovers above them, a ghostly divine presence, inspiring them with his magical essence.

p. 42-43 – Kull: The Cat and the Skull #2 & Solomon Kane Volume 3 Red Shadows TP:

Ooh, considering how the movie did, you might want to downplay that part a bit.

p. 64 – Aquaman #3:

Blood!

p. 76 – Batman #3:

Ooh, more blood!

p. 83 – Catwoman #3:

And yet more blood!

p. 89 – Green Lantern Corps #3:

Impalings! And blood!

p. 91 – Red Lanterns #3:

Look at all that blood!

p. 96 – I, Vampire #3:

Blood via axing!

p. 101 – Suicide Squad #3:

…And in conclusion: blood! Please donate it where you work or bank. Thank you.

p. 113 – DC Comics Presents Elseworlds 80-Page Giant #1:

Oh, great, now they’re releasing it? I flew to England where they were accidentally distributed in order to buy multiple copies for investment, and now they’re worth nothing! NOTHING! How am I supposed to pay for my new driveway now?

NOTE: not making a joke, really. Just venting over something stupid someone once said in my comments. Don’t mind me.

p. 226 – Billy Tucci: A Child Is Born one-shot:

Finally, the life story of Billy Tucci, in comic bo…wait, what? Really? …Oh. Never mind.

p. 230 – Archie Cyber Adventures TP:

Archie waits for his Windows Updates to finish downloading! Betty tries out Chatroulette, and you’ll never believe what she finds! What is the mystery of the black van parked outside Mr. Weatherbee’s house? Hot Dog is on Twitter, and Jughead is steamed that he has fewer followers! Who is the mysterious “D.D.” behind “Riverdaleleaks?”

p. 260 – Decision 2012:

Basically, a “straw poll” for comic fans…the publisher will tally up the preorders and announce the numbers, with the highest-ordered book being the “winner.” Books that don’t get at least 1,500 orders won’t be printed.

Oh, thank goodness, that Obama comic book drought was a rough one to ride out.

What is it that she keeps looking at off-panel?

At one point in his business career, Mr. Cain oversaw the operations of a number of Burger Kings. I only bring this up because I want this comic to be about Herman Cain and the Burger King going out on adventures. I don’t care if it’s not true.

Why this man hasn’t exploited his name to get that valuable Monty Python Fan vote, I have no idea.

Ooh, shame about that 1,500 preorder barrier, Jon. Better luck next time.

Hey, why do the pages suddenly go blank halfway through?

Don’t worry, Ron, I’m sure your comic will demonstrate the free market in action.

Like politically-themed comics? Don’t worry, there’s paw-lenty more where those came from!

I just want them to explain the name “Mitt.” …On second thought, don’t. Let the world have a little mystery in it.

Santorum was always my favorite Kirby Monster.

p. 348 – The Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine Special: M.O.D.O.K.:

On the other hand, I think M.O.D.O.K. would make a great President.

p. 353 – Star Wars Shadow Games MMPB:

Is it weird to think about the Star Wars Universe having “pop stars?” The movies are so caught up in magical superbeings and royal leaders and big space battles that a concept as relatively mundane as a “pop star” seems hopelessly out of place. …Would Star Wars Universe pop stars wear clothing reminiscent of the Empire (maybe even a Vader-esque helmet) to give themselves that counter-cultural veneer that would attract youth and outrage parents?

p. 373 – Thor’s Hammer Sculpted Bottle Opener:

You can pretty much just make up your own joke about using this to open beer bottles so you can “get hammered.”

p. 385 – Mr. Potato Head: Star Trek – Kirk/Kor Set:

Is that Mr. Potato Kirk’s real hair? Only his chef knows for sure.

p. 390 – Dazzler Statue:

Not pointing this out to make fun…just wanted to state that they picked the best possible base for this statue.

p. 403 – S.H. Monster Arts: Godzilla Action Figure:

Oh dear, when you start needing a walker for your atomic breath, it’s probably time to retire, don’cha know.

p. 404 – Ikki Tousen: Ryofu Housen “Maid Suntan Version” PVC Figure:

That’s an awfully specific name for a figure that’s basically “Naked Submissive Chick in an Apron.”

p. 411 – Pez Presidents of the United States Volume 1 Gift Set:

You don’t want to know where the candy comes out of the Bill Clinton dispenser.

p. 426 – Metallica Collector’s Edition Monopoly:

Pretty sure there are still people in the JAIL square doin’ time on the Napster rap.

p. 432- Smallville The Complete Series DVD Set:

Relieve those ten years waiting for Clark Kent to turn into Superman. Hey, maybe it’ll turn out differently this time!

Hey gang! I’ve come to a bipartisan agreement, with myself, to raise the entertainment ceiling and bring you a bunch of swell items from the latest Diamond Previews…so dig out your copy (the August 2011 edition, to be precise) and let’s see what the future has in store for us:

p. 34 – Star Wars Episode I Adventures:

Wishing they were in a better movie, I’d imagine. Well, except maybe Jar Jar.

p. 275 – Stan Lee’s How to Write Comics:

1. Face front. 2. Alliterate. 3. Take all the credit. 4. Grow a sweet mustache.

p. 361 – Star Wars: The Complete Vader:

Only complete if it includes a soundchip with this:

(in case the player doesn’t work for you)

Also, I will never, ever get tired of that sound clip.

p. 390 – Green Lantern Movie Master Wave 5 Action Figures:

I was going to say something along the lines of “why are they still hiding ‘spoiler’ images for the figures when the movie’s been out for a while” until I remembered that, all things considered, the movie’s contents still remain pretty much unknown.

p. 390 – All-City Breakers Mini-Figures:

This is what my set of army men figures needed…more of these guys, fewer of the dudes with the metal detectors.

p. 396 – Jeff Dunham 18-Inch Talking Dolls:

WELCOME TO HELL:

p. 404 – Friday the 13th Part IV Jason’s Mask Replica:

Suitable for wall-hanging, or ideally over the faces of appropriately-sized old family portraits. Liven up that 70-year-old painting of some great-aunt whose name you don’t even remember with the mask of a fictional serial killer!

p. 406 – Iron Man Space Armor Mini-Bust:

So long as we’re doing statues of Iron Man’s various armors, I’m putting in my request for the nose mask version.

p. 406 – Iron Man Hydro Armor Mini-Bust:

No one has ever demanded this.

p. 430 – Think Greek Annoy-A-Tron 2.0:

Geek-themed noisemaker. Never, ever bring this with you on a trip that involves, at some point, having to get onto an airplane.

p. 432 – DC Heroes Can Coolers:

If you’re having to depend on Robin to help you hook up, well, I don’t know what to tell you, man.

p. 432 – DC Heroes Aprons:

For all the hoohar going on recently regarding Wonder Woman’s costume status re: pants/no pants, be aware that there could have been a horrible third option.

p. 432 – DC Comics EFX Wristband:

So the embedded hologram will let me fly or form green energy constructs, right? That’s how the whole “magical hologram” thing is supposed to work, if I understand correctly.

p. 435 – Zombie Plush Slippers:

Please enjoy that one time you wear these around the house before the significant other tells you to put those things away.

p. 437 – Pop! Movies Gizmo Vinyl Figure:

WARNING: DO NOT GET WET…unless it gets a little dusty, in which case wipe off with a damp washcloth and a bit of soap.

p. 442 – Watchmen Magnets:

I was beginning to miss my regular infusions of fantastic Watchmen merchandise. “These magnets feature the memorable characters of Zack Snyder’s visionary film Watchmen, based on the best-selling graphic novel,” sez the solicitation. You don’t say.

I think Ozymandias is my favorite, here.

p. 448 – Star Fluxx Card Game:

Oh, there is an “L.”

Marvel Previews p. 12-13 – John Carter: A Princess of Mars & John Carter of Mars: World of Mars #1:

I’m betting Dynamite Comics is thrilled about this.

Marvel Previews p. 19 – Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #3 -:

Who, indeed? Man, imagine if it were, like, a non-white character! That would be pretty awesome. And I’m sure no one would say anything remarkably stupid or racist-sounding about it. Honestly, this is the 21st century – what are the chances of that happening?

Marvel Previews #52 – X-Men #1 20th Anniversary Edition:

In case that seven million copy print run of the original wasn’t enough, here comes another, oh, 15,000 or so.

Marvel Previews p. 55 – Wolverine & the X-Men #1:

You see, Marvel’s actually doing us a favor by starting up yet another X-Men series. They’re cancelling Uncanny X-Men this month, but should the number of X-titles fall below a certain critical level, the natural balance of things would be lost, and the Earth itself could lose all orbital stability and spiral right into the sun. Thank you, Marvel, for saving us all from total destruction!

Marvel Previews p. 113 – Marvel posters:

Hey, you know what’s gonna keep us from ordering any posters for the store?

Go on…guess.

Oh, it’s another one of these, so put on your nice shoes, comb your hair, brush your teeth, wash behind your ears, trim your fingernails, pluck out those stray hairs, put on your worm suit, and follow along in your copy of Previews, July 2011 edition. …Also, I work the room a little blue in this installment, for which I apologize. Clearly violent video games are to blame.

p. 66 – Justice League #1:

Whoa, hey, a new Justice League #1! Well, that’s certainly unexpec…

p. 68 – Aquaman #1:

…Wait, hold on? An Aquaman #1, too? They’re gonna try and make Aquaman stick again, huh? Well, good lu…

p. 73 – Green Arrow #1:

Oh, come on. Didn’t they just restart this series, like, a year ago? Is this like that old Zero Hour event, where they gave every series a #0 issue? Like, this is One Hour or something?

p. 84 – Batman: The Dark Knight #1:

A new #1. For a series that’s had a whole two issues so far. DC’s just screwing with me, isn’t it?

p. 87 – Batwoman #1:

>
Oh, yeah, right.

p. 119 – The Bible HC:

So I hear DC is rebooting Christianity with this issue, and giving everyone new costumes and powers.

p. 144 – True Blood The French Quarter #2:

“Hey, do you have that photo variant cover?”

“Nah…we were only able to get one for the number of regular covers we ordered and we’ve already sold it.”

“Oh, that’s too bad, that’s the only cover I was interested in.”

“Yeah, I hear that a lot.”

p. 226 – Angry Bird of Prey T-Shirt:

You’d be angry, too, if you had that stickin’ in your rear.

p. 274 – Green Hornet #20

Sure are a lot fewer Green Hornet comics in this catalog. I’m sure the number will pick up again once Seth Rogan starts working on the sequel.

p. 291 – Mangaman HC:

I was kinda working on my own Mangaman character for a while. He was a superhero, with the power of asking retailers for manga by their original Japanese titles instead of the English titles they might actually recognize them by, and then would get upset when he found out there aren’t any volumes past the point of the fan-translations he’s already read online for free.

But clearly that’s crazy. Who would ever believe such a preposterous scenario?

p. 298 – Holy Terror HC:

I’m going to call that “New Frank Miller GN!” blurb the least necessary blurb ever. (And not just because it says “Frank Miller’s” at the top there.)

p. 338 – The Boy Who Loved Batman: A Memoir HC:

I had no idea the Chris Sims autobiography was out already.

p. 338 – The Batman Files Deluxe HC:

“The Batman Files includes in-depth computer files, news articles, crime scene photos, blueprints, schematics, and actual maps of Gotham City that were collected, and in many cases even drawn, by the Caped Crusader himself.”

THE CAPED CARTOGRAPHER. Of course, some kid is going to take that “drawn by Batman himself” thing to heart, and then see whoever the maps are actually credited to in the fine print, and then he’ll be all “oh my God…Eugene Miller is Batman?”

p. 352 – Star Trek Vault: 40 Years from The Archives:

“REVEALED WITHIN: Gene Roddenberry originally pitched Star Trek as, not ‘Wagon Train in space,’ but as The Long, Long Trailer in space,’ with Kirk and Spock stuck in an out-of-control rocket ship traveling across the galaxy, and the two men constantly being tossed about the cabin by the rocket’s erratic movements.”

No, I’m sorry, I’m totally lying. Bet I completely fooled you, though.

p. 352 – Star Wars The Blueprints Deluxe Slipcased Edition:

“Hey, where’d the Death Star plans go?”

p. 372 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Raphael Classic Muscle Adult Costume:

What all the store employees shall be wearing.

p. 372 – G.I. Joe Cobra Commander Deluxe Costume:

…And what I shall be wearing.

p. 376 – Star Wars Jawa Costume:

That is one tall damn Jawa.

p. 376 – Star Wars Tauntaun Inflatable Costume:

NOT A SEX TOY.

p. 377 – Star Wars Boba Fett Candy Bowl Holder:

“NO DISINTEGRATIONS. Or popcorn balls. I mean, gross, who likes those things?”

p. 377 – Star Wars Yoda Candy Bowl Holder:

“Stunt your growth too much candy will.”

p. 377 – Star Wars Darth Vader Candy Dish Holder:

“Can someone please help me shove some Twizzlers through my mouth-grate? I’m so, so hungry.”

p. 387 – My First Bacon Talking Plush:

Never too early to start instilling children with those vague half-memories of strange, unexplained things from their infancy.

p. 388 – Doctor Who Fourth Doctor & Sontaran 8-Inch Action Figures:

So nice to see Sebastian Shaw get some work after being unceremoniously replaced by Hayden Christensen at the end of the Return of the Jedi special edition.

p. 391 – Plush Beating Heart:

And once I get my hands on a plush human brain, my plush Frankenstein’s Monster will be alive…ALIIIIIIVE!

p. 392 – The Lego Ideas Book:

First idea: build a Lego version of this book.

p. 402 – The Dukes of Hazzard The Ghost of General Lee 1/25-Scale Model Kit:

“On October 26, 1979, the famous Dukes of Hazzard episode, ‘Ghost of General Lee,’ aired on CBS. It featured Rosco getting scared out of his wits by a glowing General Lee charger, back from the dead- or so he thought!”

I never watched much of this show as a kid…but had I known there was an episode about a dude being scared by the ghost of a car…! You’re not going to see anything this great on your Sons of Anarchys or your The Wires, smart guys.

p. 407 – Red Skull Mini-Bust:

“Well, before we approve this….”

“Yes?”

“Does he have to be so…you know, red?”

“Uh, his name’s the Red Skull.”

“That’s another thing…the skull’s a bit much. Can you…flesh him up a bit?”

“He’s the Skull.”

“Oh, oh…sure, he’d still have a skull, you know, under his skin. His more pinkish skin.”

p. 410 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – Savage Oppress Statue:

“Okay, before we start printing up the boxes for this thing, we’re going to need the character’s actual name to replace this placeholder name you sent us.”

“Placeholder name?”

“Yeah…this ‘Savage Oppress.’ We need to replace that on the packaging with the real name.”

“Um, that is the real name.”

“…Seriously?”

p. 422 – Halloween Necklace Prosthetics:

AND NOW, THE WORST JOKE I HAVE EVER WRITTEN:

I think there’s a white-colored version in the Adult Previews.

THANK YOU FOR READING PROGRESSIVE RUIN. WE’LL MISS HAVING YOU AROUND.

p. 424 – Zombie Costume Tee White T-Shirt:

At the shop, in the near future:

ME: “Hey, you’re wearing one of those novelty Zombie t-shirts!”

DUDE: “A novelty what?”

ME: “Um…nothing. Didn’t say anything.”

p. 430 – Green Lantern Spinning Ring:

Meanwhile, Myrwhydden constantly has motion sickness.

p. 432 – The Exorcist Regan Lenticular Mirror:

When I was but a wee Mikester, I had as a toy a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy. No, I’m not 70 years old, wise guy…they’re still marketing these things. Anyway, there were times when I was terrified of it…I’d seen the movies and TV shows, I knew ventriloquist dummies were just sitting there waiting for the right moment to strike and strangle a kid. But there it would sit, in my room, and, late at night, I just knew it was going to get up off that chair or clamber out of the toybox and get me.

I would still rather have that ventriloquist doll than this Regan mirror thing lookin’ at me from a wall.

p. 447 – Operation Star Wars R2-D2 Edition:

So that’s what happened to all of Artoo’s gadgets between the Prequel trilogy and the Original Trilogy…you pulled those out of him! How can you people live with yourselves?

p. 449 – Munchkin Axe Cop:

I do not envy the gamemakers’ task in constraining this comic to a set series of rules.

Marvel Previews p. 92 – Avengers: West Coast Avengers – Sins of the Past Premiere HC:

So that’s the cover you really want to go with. Here, let me recommend a slightly less creepy image:

Hey gang! Welcome to the very first installment of the End of Civilization, a brand new feature here at Progressive Ruin! I’m your host, 26-year-old Spike Merling, inviting you to pop up the collars on your new costumes, flip open your June 2011 edition of Diamond Previews, and follow along!

p. 61-136 – DC Comics:

Huh, that’s strange…it seems like nearly every comic this month has “finale” or “final battle” or “shocking conclusion” or something similar in its solicitation:

That’s some coincidence. It’s almost like they’re planning some fresh starts in the following month.

p. 163 – Berkeley Breathed’s Bloom County Calendar 2012:

Suddenly I feel like I’m back in high school again. Who’d have thought we’d ever see another Bloom County calendar?

Looks like they fixed this problem, too:

p. 169 – The Infinite #1 Deluxe Edition:

Well, it’s a little toned-down from Liefeld’s most famous use of this pose, but, um…where did their butts go

p. 223 – I Got My Ass to Mars T-Shirt:

I almost admire the decision to put out a Total Recall t-shirt almost 21 years after the fact (remake notwithstanding). But aside from that…this character in particular at best shares an ass, right?

p. 228 – Archie & Friends #157:

Speaking of old things being new again, that’s some continuing commitment to the original “Man from R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E.” gimmick of parodying the 1960s trend of elaborately-acronymed organizations in spy movies.

p. 290 – Gumby’s Arthur Adams Specials TP:

And speaking of yet more old things: “for the first time in 25 years the Eisner Award-winning Gumby Specials are available!”

And by “old things,” I mean me, and how I’m feeling right now after reading that.

p. 340 – Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine #157 – Moondragon:

Someone somewhere is shrugging, saying “eh, close enough” and making room on his Persis Khambatta tribute shelf.

p. 344 – Undying Monsters Magazine #3:

So Wednesday at the shop we received a copy of Freaky Monsters, and here we have Undying Monsters. I wonder if I can get away with Infamous Monsters, or would the Famous Monsters people get on my case? (Or has it already been done? I bet it has.)

p. 345 – Saved by The Bell Guide to Life SC:

“…And most importantly, don’t play a stripper in a Paul Verhoeven movie.”

p. 346 – The World of Smurfs HC:

Probably not featured in the book: this.

p. 347 – The Raven Kit:

Comes with a mini raven statuette that contains a “Nevermore!” soundchip. Probably works at the push of a button, but really should just do it randomly. While it’s sitting on top of your chamber door. Looking at you.

p. 349 – Star Wars: How to Speak Wookiee HC:

It’s a sound book, with suggestions on what to say and how to say it in everyday dealing with Wookiees. Ladies, gentlemen, droids…this is the greatest book ever made.

p. 349 – Star Wars The Essential Guide to Warfare SC:

“Stormtroopers: always aim high or off to the side, to anticipate any sudden evasive movements. Aiming directly at the target is a fool’s game.”

p. 362 – Married with Children “No Ma’am” White T-Shirt:

For a second there I thought this was a piece of Dilbert merchandise. My mistake.

p. 364 – Green Lantern Movie Tomar-Re and Kilowog Latex Hands:

These are things that you will be able to find in stores (or online) and buy. Truly this is an age of wonders.

p. 366 – Thor Movie: Loki Deluxe Costume:

I offered Employee Aaron one American dollar if he would wear this costume at work. Or, you know, at least that awesome helmet. Hey, it only costs 65 bucks, and I’m kicking in a buck. The least he could do is spring for the rest.

p. 369 – Zombie Hunter Military Style Green T-Shirt:

You know the guy wearing this shirt is the first one going down when the zombie apocalypse begins.

p. 376 – Bruce Lee Series 1 5-inch Action Figures:

This is what I picture the red blood cells in Bruce Lee’s veins must have looked like.

p. 379 – DC Universe Mez-Itz Series 2 6-Inch Action Figures:

Clearly Darkseid did not have likeness approval rights on this product.

p. 384 – Marvel Universe Super Hero Team Action Figure Packs:

H.E.R.B.I.E. action figure.

H.E.R.B.I.E. action figure.

H.E.R.B.I.E. ACTION FIGURE.

p. 385 – Alien Facehugger Plush:

It doesn’t say in the solicitation, but surely this is life-size. SURELY IT MUST BE. Who wouldn’t put one of these on his or her face immediately? …Well, maybe not John Hurt.

p. 386 – Barbie Famous Friends Frank Sinatra Doll:

Super Teen Skipper Frank Sinatra Jr. Doll sold separately.

p. 387 – Peanuts 2011 Christmas Deluxe Poseable Figures:

First glance through the catalog, I irrationally thought Lucy was holding some kind of elaborate crossbow there. “I’m going to kick the football for sure, Lucy!” “Oh, I don’t think so, Charlie Brown.” THWIPP. THUNK.

p. 393 – Star Wars Footeez Plushes:

“AAAH WHO PUT TOMATOES ON MY EYES”

“Man, I hate having to shave.”

“CHEST…STRAPS…TOO TIGHT”

Minimalist Artoo is minimalist.

“Stormtroopers are tasty!”

“Call me ‘Stewie’ why do you?”

p. 398 – Lady Death Fine Art Bronze Statue:

$2,900 a pop. Limited to only 30 pieces, so tough luck if you were planning to use these as table centerpieces at any large formal gatherings.

p. 399 – The Walking Dead Nate Torso Statuette:

Man, a dude wearing a Walking Dead t-shirt…becoming a zombie? What are the chances of that happening?

p. 407 – Star Wars 2-1B Surgical Droid Mini-Bust:

Somewhere the world’s biggest 2-1B fan is clearing room on his tribute shelf. …Probably not the same guy as the Persis Khambatta fan I mentioned above, but you never know.

p. 412 – Kotobukiya Original Dinosaur Chopsticks:

So I can’t decide…is it more disturbing to eat your food with an animal’s tail…

p. 412 – Animal Chopsticks:

…or an animal’s nose?

p. 413 – To-Heart 2 Another Days Silfa-Summer Memories Ani-Statue:

Hmmm…just what could the primary selling points of this statue be?

p. 425 – Alien Blood Energy Drink:

“Have you ever experience a loss of memory or ‘missing time’? Do you have reoccuring [sic] dreams of extraterrestrial worlds or landscapes? Have you discovered strange bumps, bruises, or rectal pain? Have you ever experienced a loss of energy? If so, there is a good chance you have been abducted by aliens! Never fear – Harcos Labs can help with the loss of energy.”

You know, that’s some confidence in the tastiness of your novelty drink to include the words “rectal pain” in your sales pitch.

p. 429 – Charlie Sheen Talking Wacky Wobbler:

I can’t help but think some of the words in this item’s name may be redundant.

p. 431 – Gumby 16-Ounce Pub Glass:

Just in case your drinking experience required ADDITIONAL TERROR.

p. 444 – Ventura Board Game:

Imagine my disappointment that this game wasn’t about Ventura, CA, the city in which our store is based. “Whoops, you’ve landed on Ralph’s Comic Corner. Fork over all your cash while Mike laughs maniacally.”

Another month, another Diamond Previews catalog (May 2011 edition), another handful of nerdworld-centric gags I’ll have to explain to my dad when I visit the folks this weekend. Also, I do the same thing every time I have to crack wise about Monopoly games, so I apologize.

Pop open your Previews and follow along!

p. 154 – Transformers #21 & #22:

It felt like the Transformers comics were already bi-weekly. Hell, they almost felt daily.

p. 184 – Bomb Queen Gang Bang TP:

You know, just the other day I was wondering what the exact opposite of “subtle” was.

p. 227 – The Original Shakespeare Shirt:

It’s a throwaway gag from a 20-year-old Star Trek movie and it’s a mash-up of two different things! ALL HAIL THE GREATEST PIECE OF GEEK MERCHANDISE EVER.

p. 228 – Strawberry Shortcake Berry Fun #1:

This has a scratch and sniff cover, which is one of those cover enhancements that, luckily or unluckily, never quite caught on in the comics marketplace. “Don’t smell the Lobo comic, NOOOOOOO!”

p. 323 – Totsugami Foreign Gods Volume 1:

No, I’m pretty sure that’s the final art.

p. 352 – Conan Mass Market Paperback:

I mean, it’s not just me that thinks it’s weird to see a live-action Conan that isn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger, right? (In other news, Firefox’s spell checker recognizes “Schwarzenegger.” But not “Chewbacca.” What a world.)

p. 352 – The Brain Eater’s Bible: Sound Advice for the Newly Reanimated Zombie:

Hopefully this won’t curtail plans for our new book Write More Zombie, the senses-shattering sequel to Write More Good – Write More Good currently available in stores and online! Ask for it by name!

p. 354 – Dilbert: Your Accomplishments Are Suspiciously Hard to Verify TP:

I hear PlannedChaos is available to write an exceptionally laudatory introduction for this book.

p. 354 – Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture:

Rule #1: Never ever ever criticize any aspect of it, or God help you.

p. 383 – Mr. Potato Head – Spudbob Squarepants:

You know, just in case you never wanted to sleep again.

p. 384 – Barbie Farrah Fawcett Doll:

I hope the Farrah Fawcett line lasts long enough for us to get Saturn 3 Farrah Fawcett (with Ken as “Hector”).

p. 388 – Make Your Own Zombie Action Figure Customizing Kit:

For use in making up your own zombie stories, in the very unlikely case there’s ever a shortage of new zombie media to entertain you.

p. 397 – Smurfs Movie Jumbo Plush Wave 1 Asst:

Smurf/Keane Painting Amalgamation Technology is nearly perfected! The cuteness singularity approaches! Let all men fear the future that awaits!

p. 397 – Star Wars Kenner Death Squad Commander 12-Inch Action Figure:

I never really got the appeal of the original version of this figure when I was a kid. Making that figure larger only makes me wonder more.

p. 424 – Tiger Blood Energy Drink:

A great conversation starter, as your friends will ask in a couple months’ time “Tiger blood? ‘Winning?’ What’s that about?”

p. 425 – Bacon t-shirts:

Oh, thank goodness, I thought we as a nerd-nation had forgotten how much we all love bacon. Bacon bacon bacon.

p. 433 – Lynyrd Skynyrd Tailwind Folding Knifes:

For all the fun I make of things in these End of Civilization posts, I can understand pretty much why each item makes it into the catalog, no matter how ridiculous it may seem.

I really don’t get why these are in the catalog.

p. 434 – World of Warcraft Tankard o’Terror Stein:

Ah, this will go well with my Dish o’Dread filled with the Cheetos o’Consternation.

p. 443 – Monopoly Three Stooges Special Edition Board Game:

Do not pass GO, do not slap Curly repeatedly in the forehead.

p. 443 – Monopoly AC/DC Collector’s Edition Board Game:

Do not perform dirty deeds, do not do them dirt cheap.

p. 444 – Doctor Who The 11th Doctor Edition Board Game:

Do not pass GO, do not use your Sonic Screwdriver to Get out of Jail Free.

Marvel Previews p. 16 – Fear Itself Deadpool #2:

Finally, a Fear Itself tie-in comic that actually looks scary.

ME: SWM, early 40s, non-smoker, reading through latest issue of Diamond Previews, April 2011: YOU: Following along in your own copy. LIKES: Long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, cracking wise on direct market merchandise, making obscure Green Lantern references:

p. 114 – Showcase Presents The Trial of the Flash TP:

Hopefully this story won’t kill the Showcase line of books like it did the Silver Age Flash series.

NOTE: I actually liked this run of comics. Don’t yell at me.

p. 115 – Firestorm The Nuclear Man TP:

Apparently this month is “DC Reprinting Series You Weren’t Expecting Month,” what with the original Firestorm series, a Secret Society of Super-Villains hardcover, some ’80s Legion of Super-Heroes, etc. Will DC kick down a reprint of those post-Wrightson ’70s Swamp Things, or those pre-Moore ’80s Swamp Things, so long as they’re delving into Reprinting the Unexpected territory.

p. 137 – Green Lantern Series 4 Action Figure – Arkkis Chummuck:

With exciting “eating the corpses of his fallen enemies” action!

p. 139 – Women of the DC Universe Series 3 Zatanna Bust:

“If only there were some way I could misdirect people from my hands while performing magic. Some way….”

p. 228 – Archie & Friends #186:

It’s the Cosplay special, with the just vaguely-upsetting image of Jughead as Spock:

…though it wasn’t until I scanned this pic and saw the larger image that I noticed Sabrina apparently dressed as Slave Leia:

Oh dear. Is nothing sacred?

p. 228 – Archie Babies Original Graphic Novel:

I’ve got nothing to say here. I’m just going to leave this here for you to think about, in those quiet times, late at night, when the fears and insecurities prey upon the edges of your awareness as you try to sleep and sleep just does not come.

Also, apparently Jughead still wears the same hat as a teenager that he did when he was a toddler. Well, I know I’d be lost today if it weren’t for my adult-size Garanimals.

p. 229 – Veronica #207:

SOLICITATION TEXT BEFORE THE KEVIN KELLER MOVIE:

“Kevin Keller returns to Riverdale in the pages of his own mini-series, from superstar writer/artist Dan Parent!”

AFTER THE KEVIN KELLER MOVIE:

“Kevin Keller returns to Riverdale in the pages of his own mini-series, from Goldwater-founded Archie Comics!”

p. 253 – Lady Death #6 Art Deco Order Incentive Cover:

I have to admit “Art Deco Cover” sounds a bit classier than “Crotch Close-Up Cover.”

p. 266 – Red Sonja Statue Inspired by J. Scott Campbell:

Just glancing through the catalog, when I first spotted this page I thought I saw something entirely different from what is actually here. “Boy, I’ve got such an itch back there….”

p. 344 – Star Wars The Official Figurine Collection Magazine:

Man, Lucas’ insistence that Greedo was molded into a die cast figurine first really doesn’t sit well with me.

p. 344 – Star Wars Heir to the Empire 20th Anniversary Edition HC:

Just noting this is 20 years old. And it was originally published about, what, fourteen years after the first Star Wars came out?

…Feeling old yet? Good, then I’m not alone.

p. 378 – Indie Spotlight Series 2 Action Figure 2-Packs:

Includes Zen, Intergalactic Ninja. Image unclear on whether it’s Zen with mouth or without.

p. 382 – Mega Bloks Hello Kitty Flower Shop Set:

Also on this page is the Hello Kitty House Set, and the Hello Kitty Candy Shop set, and the Hello Kitty School House set. Not pictured: the Hello Kitty Abattoir, the Hello Kitty Hooters, the Hello Kitty Military Surplus Warehouse.

p. 395 – Disney by Britto Jiminy Cricket Figurine:

I wish I knew more about sports and was aware what team had as their colors lime green and forest green, because I totally had a “Jiminy is clearly prepped for the next _______ home game!” gag ready to go.

p. 400 – The Twilight Zone Mystic Seer Replica:

Read that line near the end:

“Can’t you just see this in your living room or office?”

So now Diamond Previews is totally doing its own “End of Civilization” riffing, is it?

p. 404 – Ghostbusters Lucy Bishoujo Statue:

Here’s hoping Dan Ackroyd wears this exact outfit in the next possibly-theoretical Ghostbusters movie. “Uh, Ray…I can see your thong.” “Don’t get uptight, Egon…I am enjoying unrestricted movement in this new uniform!”

p. 410 – Ghostbusters Mugs No Ghost Logo:

“I’d like the mug with No Ghost.”

“All the mugs have ghosts on them.”

“No, no…I want No Ghost!”

“I really can’t help you. There are ghosts on all these mugs.”

“AAAAUGH.”

p. 416 – Batman X Mimobot 4-Gigabyte USB Flashdrives:

Obvious joke coming in 3…2…

“Holy macrocephaly, Batman!”

p. 419 – Naruto Shippuden – Tobi Mask:

So there’s a guy in Naruto disguised as a one-eyed pastry? I’m not sure how I feel about that.

p. 433 – Dungeons & Dragons The Dungeon Master’s Keep DM Screen:

The Dungeon Master’s Keep is the perfect bastion of secrecy from which DMs can run their adventures and campaigns! The Dungeon Master’s Keep is cast from durable resin and comes pre-painted and ready to use right out of the box. The gatehouse is secured by two stout doors with a pair of familiar-looking door knockers, and above the doorway hangs the D&D 4th Edition Dragon Icon. Behind the screen are numerous shelves to store miniatures, game cards and other record-keeping notes. Two handy trays are built into the walls to hold your GF9 Dungeon Master’s Tokens. Plus, the towers of the gatehouse also serve as dice towers, with one tower facing out to your players (the rolled die exiting from a door in the tower) and one securely behind the screen for private rolls.

In case you’re wondering…yes, this is the single most awesome thing in this entire catalog. Worth every single penny of its $150 price tag. Yes, I’m totally serious.

Well, if you’ve been waiting for the onslaught of Green Lantern merchandising crap to begin, this is your lucky month, friends! I barely even touch upon all the GL stuff in today’s EoC entry, but trust me, there’s plenty. Like, the GL board game that’s basically just Trouble, complete with Pop-O-Matic, but with Green Lantern pictures all over it. Or the game where, apparently, you shoot marbles at little Green Lantern stand-ups. Crazy, man. Anyway, see for yourself as you follow along in your March 2011 edition of Diamond Previews:

p. 113 – Aquaman Death of a Prince TP:

Seems like an odd thing to be reprinting, unless DC is gearing up for the Aquababy: Rebirth mini-series.

p. 116 – Power Girl Bomb Squad TP:

So I was just doing my initial glance-through of the catalog when I saw this solicitation out of the corner of my eye. I immediately registered “Power Girl” and “Squad” in the title, but I’ll give you one guess what I briefly, shamefully, misread “Bomb” as. Go on, guess.

p. 136-7 – Green Lantern (Movie) 1:4 Scale Hal Jordan & Sinestro Deluxe Busts:

“No one will be admitted during the thrilling Jello-wrestling scene.”

p. 243 – Crossed Psychopath #4:

Reasonably certain it takes about as long to read the solicitation text as it does the actual comic.

p. 316 – Clint #9:

Well, issue #3 was close, but I think this is the first cover to fully exploit the primary reason this magazine was called Clint.

p. 349 – Green Lantern Movie Young Reader Books:

“And then there was that time Arisia and I were in love…sure, she made herself look older with her ring, but she was actually just about your age, boys and girls!”

p. 353 – The Transformers Vault HC:

Oh, so there’s where Megan Fox went.

p. 354 – The Seven Spiritual Laws of Superheroes HC:

Ooh, I sure hope the word “quantum” is thrown around a lot in this book.

p. 378 – Family Guy Slammers:

Saw the title for this solicitation, and thought, for one horrible moment, that this was actually an ad for Family Guy POGs. Maybe it’s just a non-sequitur reference to the years-ago POGs craze, but what are the chances of a Family Guy-related thing doing that?

p. 389 – Iggy Pop 7-Inch Action Figure:

“More lifelike than the real thing!”

p. 392 – Thor Movie Deluxe Series 2 Action Figures:

I suspect we’ll get some kind of explanation for what’s going on here eventually. Frankly, I’m not sure I want to know.

p. 397 – Doctor Who Weeping Angel Mini-Bust:

If you have any children in your household who are Doctor Who fans, this would be the worst thing to buy them. Trust me on this. Unless, of course, you don’t much like your kids.

p. 405 – Star Wars Silicon Trays Han Solo in Carbonite & R2D2:

These ice cube trays would go nicely with my refrigerator’s built-in crushed ice Hoth Snowscape simulator.

p. 411 – Seven Deadly Sins Resin Statues:

This’ll make Show ‘n’ Tell at the private Catholic school a whole lot more interesting.

p. 417 – Green Lantern Movie Paperweights:

Finally, I have a way to keep my copy of Green Lantern #1 (1941) from being blown off my desk by sudden gusts of wind! Because if it’s one thing comic fans are going to want a paperweight for….

p. 418 – Green Lantern Movie Projection Ring:

I think what I like most about this ring is just how understated it is, what with its ONE FOOT HEIGHT.

p. 433 – Green Lantern Saves Earth Movie Board Game:

Dude, spoiler warning, please!

p. 440 – Doctor Who The Movie Special Edition DVD:

For those of you who didn’t like this when it originally aired in 1995, here’s your chance to not like it again! (And too bad, gang…it’s canon!)

Marvel Previews p. 76 – Marvel Select Red Skull Movie Figure:

Well, it’s nice that Voldemort found work now that the Harry Potter movies are finished filming.

Marvel Previews p. 96 – Rocket Raccoon Guardian of the Keystone Quadrant Premiere HC:

You know, I’m pretty sure this is absolutely the last thing I expected Marvel to reprint in hardco…

p. 101 – Trouble by Mark Millar Premiere HC:

…hold on. Spoke too soon.

And then there was that time that Mike went to the “and then there was that time” well again only because he was having trouble coming up with an intro for this month’s End of Civilization. Grab your copy of Diamond Previews, February 2011 edition, and follow along, if, you know, you feel like it. Also, I apologize in advance for the 30+ years out of date Green Lantern joke.

p. 13 – MegaCon advertisement:

So if part of the package is that I can have one other person in the photo with me and either Stan or Shat…what if I decided that the other person I wanted in my photo with Shatner was…Stan Lee? Hey, for that kind of money, I should be allowed to swing that. Stan and Shatner, together. Shirtless. Oiled. …But perhaps I’ve said too much.

p. 55 – Al Capp’s Complete Shmoo Volume 2:

You know, it never occurred to me that the Shmoo were ambulatory penises-‘n’-scrotums ’til I read an article about that very thing in The Comics Journal. Now I can’t unsee it.

p. 134 – Two-Face 1:2 Scale Bust:

Not too interested in the bust, but I bet DC could market the hell out of that tie:

p. 153 – Jericho #6:

“Hey, Mike, how ’bout that variant photo cover?”

“Yup, it certainly is one.”

p. 164 – Recycle Michael:

When I was in grade school, some of the other kids would repeatedly call me “Michael Motorcycle” for no good reason that I could figure aside from the fact that it rhymed. …Thank goodness I got out of grade school before this book came out.

p. 183 – Marijuanaman HC:

“A new hero for our times – from the fertile imagination of music superstar Ziggy Marley.” […] “We guarantee: this is not the comic you think it is!”

Pretty sure I’m going to be fielding plenty of questions and “funny” comments from customers who think this is the comic y’all are claiming this isn’t.

p. 210-211 – Wizard #237 & ToyFare #166:

Well, that’s unfortunate.

p. 224 – Canadian Legion GN:

“Take off, Mordru, you hoser! Cosmic Boy is going to take you down, eh?”

(PLEASE NOTE: My knowledge of Canada is limited exclusively to SCTV. My apologies to my Canadian readers. Those of you who can read.)

(I’M SO VERY SORRY about that “reading” bit. Employee Aaron made me say it.)

p. 228 – Mega Man #1:

Just in time to be bought by the children of the kid customers who originally asked me for Mega Man comics all those years ago!

p. 231-239 – Aspen listings:

Sometimes it feels like these are the same ads that run in every issue of Previews. It’s certainly the same issue numbers every month.

p. 247 – Female Force Kathy Griffin:

So what are the odds that this comic will turn up being eviscerated onstage by Griffin herself?

p. 291 – My Complete Martian The Complete Series Volume 1 HC:

Pretty sure this would have been the Last Thing I’d Ever Would Have Expected to Be Reprinted, but I guess once hell froze over and Sugar and Spike got the reprint-nod, the floodgates are open. Surely the Complete Spunky the Monkey is to follow.

p. 331 – Comic Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope HC:

Episodes I-III had that wacky CGI Bill Jemas “comedy relief” character that annoyed everybody. Thank goodness he’s gone now.

p. 333 – The Green Lantern Kit:

Mike Grell Chin-Jutter sold separately.

p. 334 – The Steampunk Bible:

Turns out the actual translation is “coat of many gears and brass piping,” which seems like it’d be a bit unwieldy, to be honest.

p. 336 – The Meowmorphosis:

You know, if those people fiddlin’ about with Mark Twain’s books went the cat route, we might have been stuck with “Kitty Jim.” …In fact, I’m surprised we haven’t had an animated Huckleberry Finn that’s used that already. You know, so long as we’re destroying literature.

p. 337 – Confessions of the Hundred Hottest Porn Stars SC:

“I cry when I watch Old Yeller.”

“You know what I hate? Airline food! Yeah, that’s right, I said it.”

“Sometimes I don’t want to go to work and just want to stay out of bed all day.”

p. 338 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – A Jedi Adventure in 3-D:

Proving once and for all that nobody looks cool in 3-D glasses. (Another case in point.)

p. 368 – Sanchez and Friends Plushes:

Stuffed critters named “Dirty Sanchez,” “Golden Shower,” “Cleveland Steamer,” and “Donkey Punch,” which, coincidentally, are also rejected names for G.I. Joes. …If “Rusty Trombone” isn’t in Series 2, I’ll be very disappointed.

p. 383 – Angry Bird Plushes:

Not mentioned in the solicitation is that they’re totally going to be used for throwing at things, as they are in the game. They might as well just make throwable beanbags out of ’em.

p. 403 – Star Wars “In Your Pocket” Limited Edition Pocket Keychain:

Really, what they need to do is make one of these talking keychains that just features every iteration of “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” from each film. That’s like a dozen different character voices right there.

p. 409 – Green Lantern Keychains:

“Hey, do you have any Green Lantern keychains with other names on them? I need one that says ‘Chad.'”

p. 421 – Double Dice Sets:

This is the most boring babushka doll ever.

Marvel Previews p. 29 – The Mighty Thor #1:

There was a running gag in later issues of Groo where Sergio would claim that every issue of Groo should be the first issue, and sales would skyrocket. That just came to mind for some reason.

Is there any better time to end civilization than at the end of the year? I think not, sir and/or madam. Please grab your copy of the latest Diamond Previews (Jan 2011) and let’s say goodbye to 2010 the best way we possibly can: by making bad jokes about silly stuff in a catalog:

p. 19 – DC Comics Top Secret Free Comic Book Day 2011 Edition:

Oh boy, I can’t wait for this 16-page long FCBD preview of DC’s forthcoming Batman and/or Superman and/or DC Universe-centric line-wide epic crossover, with some sketchbook/editorial material and plenty of house ads!

p. 24 – DC Heroclix: Green Lantern Figure:

Crud, I already did the cucumber joke. “BEWARE MY CACTUS OF JUSTICE!” …No, no, that doesn’t work…. I’ll think of something.

p. 25 – FCBD 2011 Silver Wrist Band:

NOTICE: FCBD 2011 Silver Wrist Bands do not improve your strength, balance, or flexibility, and there is no credible scientific evidence to support such claims.

(In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about.)

p. 63 – Toy Story Woody’s Roundup #2 – Bullseye:

Hmm. A limited edition collectors’ figurine based on a character whose first appearance was in a film which contained explicit criticism of the collectors’ mentality. …I’m so confused.

p. 141 – Ame-Comi Heroine Series Wonder Woman V3 PVC Figurine:

I would give One American Dollar for this to be the costume in whatever live-action version of Wonder Woman ends up happening.

p. 249 – Female Force: Ruth Handler, The Creator of Barbie:

Mattel generally has a pretty good sense of humor about how other people use the Barbie property. I foresee no problems with this.

p. 266 – Warlord of Mars: Dejah Thoris #1:

Well, thank goodness they’re offering a “risque cover” variant:

As opposed to this totally non-risque one:

p. 297 – The Hardy Boys The New Case Files Volume 2: Break-Up! SC:

Break up? I didn’t even know they were going out.

p. 336 – The Comics: The Complete Collection HC:

Contains every single comic ever published between these two covers. All of them. What part of “Complete” are you having trouble understanding?

NOTE: Portions of Drabble have been omitted for space considerations.

p. 339 – Creating Comics from Start to Finish:

“First, get a tiny woman with large breasts and no legs to sit on your art board.”

p. 362 – Barbie Dolls of the World: Australia Landmark Doll:

It’s a dress based on the Sydney Opera House. Yes, really. I’m waiting for a dress based on this.

p. 368 – Spongebob Squarepants Trexi 3-Inch Vinyl Figure:

THE FOUR STAGES OF IMMINENT BATHROOM ACCIDENT:

DESPAIR

PANIC

ACCEPTANCE

REGRET

(PLEASE NOTE: While I’ve seen some Spongebob Squarepants, I’ve not seen them all, but I’ve seen enough to realize that I could very well be describing something that actually happened in an episode. I have no idea.)

p. 372- Hello Kitty World: Cruise Ship Playset:

Why, this doesn’t look seaworthy at all.

“The sinking of the Hello Kitty World Cruise Ship has been confirmed. All kitties reported lost.”

p. 386 – Giant Tyrannosaurus Model Kit:

Pretty sure this is a reissue of the Tyrannosaurus model kit I had as a kid. The thing had glow in the dark eyes and teeth, man. It was awesome. I’m guessing my parents paid far less for it in the 1970s than the $80 price tag it carries now.

p. 394 – Disney X Medicom Alice in Wonderland – Mad Hatter Mickey Vinyl Collector Doll:

So they decided against Mickey changing appearance (i.e. becoming “Evil Mickey”) in the Epic Mickey video game…and yet, this is happening:

Just as long as we never see Mickey do this.

BONUS – Solicitation text contains the following sentence:

“Mickey Mouse has truly gone gonzo.”

I look forward to reading a collection of Mickey’s journalistic endeavors.

p. 404 – Pop! Heroes: Batgirl Vinyl Figure:

“OH GOD WHY DID YOU TAKE MY EYES, WHY”

p. 405 – Star Wars Darth Vader 20-oz. Ceramic Mug:

“Join Us Or Die!” is a pretty heavy message to hit someone with first thing in the morning, when they’re trying to have their first cup of coffee of the day. Just, you know, ease ’em into it. “Join Us…and Just Relax, Man. Enjoy Your Cuppa Joe.”

Marvel Previews p. 1 – Venom #1:

Hmm…”his first ongoing series!” That’s strange, it seems to me there was something prior to this. Lemme think here….

Marvel Previews p. 97 – Venom by Daniel Way Ultimate Collection TPB:

Oh, right, this series!

Unless it was advertised as an 18-issue mini-series, which, admittedly, I may have missed.