Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ April 28th, 2011 § Filed under End of Civilization § 16 Comments

Another month, another Diamond Previews catalog (May 2011 edition), another handful of nerdworld-centric gags I’ll have to explain to my dad when I visit the folks this weekend. Also, I do the same thing every time I have to crack wise about Monopoly games, so I apologize.

Pop open your Previews and follow along!

p. 154 – Transformers #21 & #22:

It felt like the Transformers comics were already bi-weekly. Hell, they almost felt daily.

p. 184 – Bomb Queen Gang Bang TP:

You know, just the other day I was wondering what the exact opposite of “subtle” was.

p. 227 – The Original Shakespeare Shirt:

It’s a throwaway gag from a 20-year-old Star Trek movie and it’s a mash-up of two different things! ALL HAIL THE GREATEST PIECE OF GEEK MERCHANDISE EVER.

p. 228 – Strawberry Shortcake Berry Fun #1:

This has a scratch and sniff cover, which is one of those cover enhancements that, luckily or unluckily, never quite caught on in the comics marketplace. “Don’t smell the Lobo comic, NOOOOOOO!

p. 323 – Totsugami Foreign Gods Volume 1:

No, I’m pretty sure that’s the final art.

p. 352 – Conan Mass Market Paperback:

I mean, it’s not just me that thinks it’s weird to see a live-action Conan that isn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger, right? (In other news, Firefox’s spell checker recognizes “Schwarzenegger.” But not “Chewbacca.” What a world.)

p. 352 – The Brain Eater’s Bible: Sound Advice for the Newly Reanimated Zombie:

Hopefully this won’t curtail plans for our new book Write More Zombie, the senses-shattering sequel to Write More GoodWrite More Good currently available in stores and online! Ask for it by name!

p. 354 – Dilbert: Your Accomplishments Are Suspiciously Hard to Verify TP:

I hear PlannedChaos is available to write an exceptionally laudatory introduction for this book.

p. 354 – Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture:

Rule #1: Never ever ever criticize any aspect of it, or God help you.

p. 383 – Mr. Potato Head – Spudbob Squarepants:

You know, just in case you never wanted to sleep again.

p. 384 – Barbie Farrah Fawcett Doll:

I hope the Farrah Fawcett line lasts long enough for us to get Saturn 3 Farrah Fawcett (with Ken as “Hector”).

p. 388 – Make Your Own Zombie Action Figure Customizing Kit:

For use in making up your own zombie stories, in the very unlikely case there’s ever a shortage of new zombie media to entertain you.

p. 397 – Smurfs Movie Jumbo Plush Wave 1 Asst:

Smurf/Keane Painting Amalgamation Technology is nearly perfected! The cuteness singularity approaches! Let all men fear the future that awaits!

p. 397 – Star Wars Kenner Death Squad Commander 12-Inch Action Figure:

I never really got the appeal of the original version of this figure when I was a kid. Making that figure larger only makes me wonder more.

p. 424 – Tiger Blood Energy Drink:

A great conversation starter, as your friends will ask in a couple months’ time “Tiger blood? ‘Winning?’ What’s that about?”

p. 425 – Bacon t-shirts:

Oh, thank goodness, I thought we as a nerd-nation had forgotten how much we all love bacon. Bacon bacon bacon.

p. 433 – Lynyrd Skynyrd Tailwind Folding Knifes:

For all the fun I make of things in these End of Civilization posts, I can understand pretty much why each item makes it into the catalog, no matter how ridiculous it may seem.

I really don’t get why these are in the catalog.

p. 434 – World of Warcraft Tankard o’Terror Stein:

Ah, this will go well with my Dish o’Dread filled with the Cheetos o’Consternation.

p. 443 – Monopoly Three Stooges Special Edition Board Game:

Do not pass GO, do not slap Curly repeatedly in the forehead.

p. 443 – Monopoly AC/DC Collector’s Edition Board Game:

Do not perform dirty deeds, do not do them dirt cheap.

p. 444 – Doctor Who The 11th Doctor Edition Board Game:

Do not pass GO, do not use your Sonic Screwdriver to Get out of Jail Free.

Marvel Previews p. 16 – Fear Itself Deadpool #2:

Finally, a Fear Itself tie-in comic that actually looks scary.

16 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • ExistentialMan says:

    The Farrah Fawcett Saturn 3 Barbie doll reference? Pure obscure genius.

  • Phil says:

    I’ve seen this “make everything bacon” meme around in nerd-circles but I don’t really get it. Where does it originate, exactly? Is there a stereotype of nerds liking bacon more than the average person or something?

    As a geek and a vegetarian, I find it kind of weird.

  • Jon H says:

    “It felt like the Transformers comics were already bi-weekly”

    No, they were just bi-curious.

  • Jon H says:

    Re: “Star Wars Kenner Death Squad Commander 12-Inch Action Figure:”

    Finally, customizers will be able to create a 12-inch figure of Honey Huan from Doonesbury.

  • Andres says:

    Phil: I think the ‘bacon is the greatest’ thing is less a nerd-centric meme rather than a ‘I’m trying to prove I’m macho’ meme. You know, “Tofu!?!? I only eat bacon-wrapped bacon. Soap?!?! I shower with a bacon-wrapped brick!”

  • philip says:

    Or we could just reanimate a dead pig and roll the bacon and zombie things into one package, and have done with the whole thing.

    Also, that Strawberry Shortcake comic will absolutely be stinking up my house with its cuteness, for my daughter is four and I must do her bidding.

  • Jon H says:

    That Warcraft stein is kinda genius: no other game ever thought of making their graphics more realistic by reducing the number of polygons in *reality*.

  • Adam Farrar says:

    Is that Farrah Fawcett Barbie doll going to have nipples? I don’t want it to, but that’s kind of the point right? Would that make it the most anatomical Barbie doll ever? This is troubling.

  • I really thought the bacon thing was of the era of Chuck Norris jokes and Rick Rolling. Basically mainstream post pre-post irono-modern hipsterism disguising itself as uniqueness.

    Too new to be a classic, too old to be cool.

  • Jon H says:

    Part of the bacon thing is probably that bacon isn’t someone’s IP, so anybody can churn out bacon-related merchandise.

  • JC says:

    Actually, I’d rather have a Farrah Fawcett ‘Logan’s Run’ doll.

  • Kid Nicky says:

    @ Adam
    God help me,I thought the same thing.

  • Dav-El says:

    Jim Gaffigan has the best bacon jokes.

  • trollop23 says:

    Freaking Matt Smith Doctor Who Monopoly?
    Stoopid.He’s the lamest of the new Doctors
    Could you imagine the scent coming off a Freak Brothers Comic? Or She Male Trouble? They’d have to come with complimentary moist towelettes…

  • Schide says:

    I assume you’ll have seen this already, but just to be sure: