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Progressive Ruin presents…the brand new End of Civilization!

§ June 2nd, 2011 § Filed under End of Civilization § 18 Comments

Hey gang! Welcome to the very first installment of the End of Civilization, a brand new feature here at Progressive Ruin! I’m your host, 26-year-old Spike Merling, inviting you to pop up the collars on your new costumes, flip open your June 2011 edition of Diamond Previews, and follow along!

p. 61-136 – DC Comics:

Huh, that’s strange…it seems like nearly every comic this month has “finale” or “final battle” or “shocking conclusion” or something similar in its solicitation:

That’s some coincidence. It’s almost like they’re planning some fresh starts in the following month.

p. 163 – Berkeley Breathed’s Bloom County Calendar 2012:

Suddenly I feel like I’m back in high school again. Who’d have thought we’d ever see another Bloom County calendar?

Looks like they fixed this problem, too:

p. 169 – The Infinite #1 Deluxe Edition:

Well, it’s a little toned-down from Liefeld’s most famous use of this pose, but, um…where did their butts go

p. 223 – I Got My Ass to Mars T-Shirt:

I almost admire the decision to put out a Total Recall t-shirt almost 21 years after the fact (remake notwithstanding). But aside from that…this character in particular at best shares an ass, right?

p. 228 – Archie & Friends #157:

Speaking of old things being new again, that’s some continuing commitment to the original “Man from R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E.” gimmick of parodying the 1960s trend of elaborately-acronymed organizations in spy movies.

p. 290 – Gumby’s Arthur Adams Specials TP:

And speaking of yet more old things: “for the first time in 25 years the Eisner Award-winning Gumby Specials are available!”

And by “old things,” I mean me, and how I’m feeling right now after reading that.

p. 340 – Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine #157 – Moondragon:

Someone somewhere is shrugging, saying “eh, close enough” and making room on his Persis Khambatta tribute shelf.

p. 344 – Undying Monsters Magazine #3:

So Wednesday at the shop we received a copy of Freaky Monsters, and here we have Undying Monsters. I wonder if I can get away with Infamous Monsters, or would the Famous Monsters people get on my case? (Or has it already been done? I bet it has.)

p. 345 – Saved by The Bell Guide to Life SC:

“…And most importantly, don’t play a stripper in a Paul Verhoeven movie.”

p. 346 – The World of Smurfs HC:

Probably not featured in the book: this.

p. 347 – The Raven Kit:

Comes with a mini raven statuette that contains a “Nevermore!” soundchip. Probably works at the push of a button, but really should just do it randomly. While it’s sitting on top of your chamber door. Looking at you.

p. 349 – Star Wars: How to Speak Wookiee HC:

It’s a sound book, with suggestions on what to say and how to say it in everyday dealing with Wookiees. Ladies, gentlemen, droids…this is the greatest book ever made.

p. 349 – Star Wars The Essential Guide to Warfare SC:

“Stormtroopers: always aim high or off to the side, to anticipate any sudden evasive movements. Aiming directly at the target is a fool’s game.”

p. 362 – Married with Children “No Ma’am” White T-Shirt:

For a second there I thought this was a piece of Dilbert merchandise. My mistake.

p. 364 – Green Lantern Movie Tomar-Re and Kilowog Latex Hands:

These are things that you will be able to find in stores (or online) and buy. Truly this is an age of wonders.

p. 366 – Thor Movie: Loki Deluxe Costume:

I offered Employee Aaron one American dollar if he would wear this costume at work. Or, you know, at least that awesome helmet. Hey, it only costs 65 bucks, and I’m kicking in a buck. The least he could do is spring for the rest.

p. 369 – Zombie Hunter Military Style Green T-Shirt:

You know the guy wearing this shirt is the first one going down when the zombie apocalypse begins.

p. 376 – Bruce Lee Series 1 5-inch Action Figures:

This is what I picture the red blood cells in Bruce Lee’s veins must have looked like.

p. 379 – DC Universe Mez-Itz Series 2 6-Inch Action Figures:

Clearly Darkseid did not have likeness approval rights on this product.

p. 384 – Marvel Universe Super Hero Team Action Figure Packs:

H.E.R.B.I.E. action figure.

H.E.R.B.I.E. action figure.

H.E.R.B.I.E. ACTION FIGURE.

p. 385 – Alien Facehugger Plush:

It doesn’t say in the solicitation, but surely this is life-size. SURELY IT MUST BE. Who wouldn’t put one of these on his or her face immediately? …Well, maybe not John Hurt.

p. 386 – Barbie Famous Friends Frank Sinatra Doll:

Super Teen Skipper Frank Sinatra Jr. Doll sold separately.

p. 387 – Peanuts 2011 Christmas Deluxe Poseable Figures:

First glance through the catalog, I irrationally thought Lucy was holding some kind of elaborate crossbow there. “I’m going to kick the football for sure, Lucy!” “Oh, I don’t think so, Charlie Brown.” THWIPP. THUNK.

p. 393 – Star Wars Footeez Plushes:

“AAAH WHO PUT TOMATOES ON MY EYES”

“Man, I hate having to shave.”

“CHEST…STRAPS…TOO TIGHT”

Minimalist Artoo is minimalist.

“Stormtroopers are tasty!”

“Call me ‘Stewie’ why do you?”

p. 398 – Lady Death Fine Art Bronze Statue:

$2,900 a pop. Limited to only 30 pieces, so tough luck if you were planning to use these as table centerpieces at any large formal gatherings.

p. 399 – The Walking Dead Nate Torso Statuette:

Man, a dude wearing a Walking Dead t-shirt…becoming a zombie? What are the chances of that happening?

p. 407 – Star Wars 2-1B Surgical Droid Mini-Bust:

Somewhere the world’s biggest 2-1B fan is clearing room on his tribute shelf. …Probably not the same guy as the Persis Khambatta fan I mentioned above, but you never know.

p. 412 – Kotobukiya Original Dinosaur Chopsticks:

So I can’t decide…is it more disturbing to eat your food with an animal’s tail…

p. 412 – Animal Chopsticks:

…or an animal’s nose?

p. 413 – To-Heart 2 Another Days Silfa-Summer Memories Ani-Statue:

Hmmm…just what could the primary selling points of this statue be?

p. 425 – Alien Blood Energy Drink:

“Have you ever experience a loss of memory or ‘missing time’? Do you have reoccuring [sic] dreams of extraterrestrial worlds or landscapes? Have you discovered strange bumps, bruises, or rectal pain? Have you ever experienced a loss of energy? If so, there is a good chance you have been abducted by aliens! Never fear – Harcos Labs can help with the loss of energy.”

You know, that’s some confidence in the tastiness of your novelty drink to include the words “rectal pain” in your sales pitch.

p. 429 – Charlie Sheen Talking Wacky Wobbler:

I can’t help but think some of the words in this item’s name may be redundant.

p. 431 – Gumby 16-Ounce Pub Glass:

Just in case your drinking experience required ADDITIONAL TERROR.

p. 444 – Ventura Board Game:

Imagine my disappointment that this game wasn’t about Ventura, CA, the city in which our store is based. “Whoops, you’ve landed on Ralph’s Comic Corner. Fork over all your cash while Mike laughs maniacally.”