Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ February 3rd, 2011 § Filed under End of Civilization § 20 Comments

And then there was that time that Mike went to the “and then there was that time” well again only because he was having trouble coming up with an intro for this month’s End of Civilization. Grab your copy of Diamond Previews, February 2011 edition, and follow along, if, you know, you feel like it. Also, I apologize in advance for the 30+ years out of date Green Lantern joke.

p. 13 – MegaCon advertisement:

So if part of the package is that I can have one other person in the photo with me and either Stan or Shat…what if I decided that the other person I wanted in my photo with Shatner was…Stan Lee? Hey, for that kind of money, I should be allowed to swing that. Stan and Shatner, together. Shirtless. Oiled. …But perhaps I’ve said too much.

p. 55 – Al Capp’s Complete Shmoo Volume 2:

You know, it never occurred to me that the Shmoo were ambulatory penises-‘n’-scrotums ’til I read an article about that very thing in The Comics Journal. Now I can’t unsee it.

p. 134 – Two-Face 1:2 Scale Bust:

Not too interested in the bust, but I bet DC could market the hell out of that tie:

p. 153 – Jericho #6:

“Hey, Mike, how ’bout that variant photo cover?”

“Yup, it certainly is one.”

p. 164 – Recycle Michael:

When I was in grade school, some of the other kids would repeatedly call me “Michael Motorcycle” for no good reason that I could figure aside from the fact that it rhymed. …Thank goodness I got out of grade school before this book came out.

p. 183 – Marijuanaman HC:

“A new hero for our times – from the fertile imagination of music superstar Ziggy Marley.” […] “We guarantee: this is not the comic you think it is!”

Pretty sure I’m going to be fielding plenty of questions and “funny” comments from customers who think this is the comic y’all are claiming this isn’t.

p. 210-211 – Wizard #237 & ToyFare #166:

Well, that’s unfortunate.

p. 224 – Canadian Legion GN:

“Take off, Mordru, you hoser! Cosmic Boy is going to take you down, eh?”

(PLEASE NOTE: My knowledge of Canada is limited exclusively to SCTV. My apologies to my Canadian readers. Those of you who can read.)

(I’M SO VERY SORRY about that “reading” bit. Employee Aaron made me say it.)

p. 228 – Mega Man #1:

Just in time to be bought by the children of the kid customers who originally asked me for Mega Man comics all those years ago!

p. 231-239 – Aspen listings:

Sometimes it feels like these are the same ads that run in every issue of Previews. It’s certainly the same issue numbers every month.

p. 247 – Female Force Kathy Griffin:

So what are the odds that this comic will turn up being eviscerated onstage by Griffin herself?

p. 291 – My Complete Martian The Complete Series Volume 1 HC:

Pretty sure this would have been the Last Thing I’d Ever Would Have Expected to Be Reprinted, but I guess once hell froze over and Sugar and Spike got the reprint-nod, the floodgates are open. Surely the Complete Spunky the Monkey is to follow.

p. 331 – Comic Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope HC:

Episodes I-III had that wacky CGI Bill Jemas “comedy relief” character that annoyed everybody. Thank goodness he’s gone now.

p. 333 – The Green Lantern Kit:

Mike Grell Chin-Jutter sold separately.

p. 334 – The Steampunk Bible:

Turns out the actual translation is “coat of many gears and brass piping,” which seems like it’d be a bit unwieldy, to be honest.

p. 336 – The Meowmorphosis:

You know, if those people fiddlin’ about with Mark Twain’s books went the cat route, we might have been stuck with “Kitty Jim.” …In fact, I’m surprised we haven’t had an animated Huckleberry Finn that’s used that already. You know, so long as we’re destroying literature.

p. 337 – Confessions of the Hundred Hottest Porn Stars SC:

“I cry when I watch Old Yeller.”

“You know what I hate? Airline food! Yeah, that’s right, I said it.”

“Sometimes I don’t want to go to work and just want to stay out of bed all day.”

p. 338 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – A Jedi Adventure in 3-D:

Proving once and for all that nobody looks cool in 3-D glasses. (Another case in point.)

p. 368 – Sanchez and Friends Plushes:

Stuffed critters named “Dirty Sanchez,” “Golden Shower,” “Cleveland Steamer,” and “Donkey Punch,” which, coincidentally, are also rejected names for G.I. Joes. …If “Rusty Trombone” isn’t in Series 2, I’ll be very disappointed.

p. 383 – Angry Bird Plushes:

Not mentioned in the solicitation is that they’re totally going to be used for throwing at things, as they are in the game. They might as well just make throwable beanbags out of ’em.

p. 403 – Star Wars “In Your Pocket” Limited Edition Pocket Keychain:

Really, what they need to do is make one of these talking keychains that just features every iteration of “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” from each film. That’s like a dozen different character voices right there.

p. 409 – Green Lantern Keychains:

“Hey, do you have any Green Lantern keychains with other names on them? I need one that says ‘Chad.'”

p. 421 – Double Dice Sets:

This is the most boring babushka doll ever.

Marvel Previews p. 29 – The Mighty Thor #1:

There was a running gag in later issues of Groo where Sergio would claim that every issue of Groo should be the first issue, and sales would skyrocket. That just came to mind for some reason.

20 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Professor Booty says:

    “My Complete Martian The Complete Series Volume 1 HC” – I think that’s one “complete” too many, Michael Motorcycle Sterling!

  • We Canadians would never take offense at your comments. We’re far too polite for that.
    I too was a Michael Motorcycle in my formative years. I feel your pain.

  • Pantsless Pete says:

    You know, this doesn’t get brought up much, and I say this while thinking about naked ladies, but Stan Lee honestly is a very good looking guy considering his age.

  • Nat Gertler says:

    What’s “airline food”?

  • John says:

    So The Metmeowphosis (I know I got it wrong but it’s a better title) took what? half an hour to write? I’m going to start telling lies about Coleridge Cook.

    Also that looks nothing like Ray Walston.

  • So, they use a more recent photo of Stan but they use a photo of Shatner from what, 45 years ago??? What, they couldn’t find a more recent picture? It’s not like Shatner’s a hermit or anything, hell the could have taken a photo from the TV. Just snap a shot from “Crap My Dad Says” or any of the “Priceline” commercials, or his stupid talk show on the Biography Network or….
    Jeez, that guy is everywhere!

  • suedenim says:

    I always wonder who the audience is for all these Bluewater “Female Force” and related things. I could see stuff like Obama and McCain comics selling as novelties through election and inauguration season, but all these other ones? Who buys a Nancy Pelosi comic book? Do you sell any of these things, Mike?

  • deadlytoque says:

    I don’t take offence to the “Canadians can’t read” joke, I’m just confused as hell by it. Canada and the US have the same literacy rate according to every source I’m aware of.

  • Andrew Leal says:

    Deadlytoque, I think it just means that Aaron harbors an irrational hatred towards Canadians. He probably also thinks Canadians illegally cross US borders to take advantage of Medicare.

  • Robert Skill says:

    I am all in favor of reprinting old TV adaptations by Russ Manning, but if the choice were mine we would be starting with 77 SUNSET STRIP. Then again, if the choice were mine, 77 SUNSET STRIP would be out on DVD by now, so obviously my vote does not count.

  • philip says:

    I’m going to buy a truckload of that “Jericho” photo cover, then jack up the price and re-sell them to the Gerald McRaney fan club! Retirement here I come!

  • Kid Nicky says:

    How’s Mega Man supposed to work? I mean,if the art is that style,and it’s true to the game,it’s going to be really kiddy,and yet only old people care about Mega Man. Is it aimed at the same freaky preteens who draw themselves as sexy Sonic the Hedgehog characters and post it online?

  • CW says:

    No panty-shot anime figurines? Must be a slow month at Diamond Previews … ;)

  • Howie says:

    Is that the Comics Code Authority insignia on the Mega Man comic book?

  • Dave-El says:

    For all the chin jutters in the world, Mike Grell’s Green Lanter could jut a chin like nobody’s damn business. (It may be a 30+ years old reference, Mike, but I got it. OK, I shouldn’t be so proud of that.)

  • Rocco says:

    Literally every time I mention Mega Man to someone within it’s targeted demographic, I get a comment along the lines of, “Those games are to hard for me.” Despite this, I bet it will sell better than most titles, because it features a prominent video game character.

  • Allan says:

    As a Canadian I’d be mortally offended by this post were it not for the fact that I am sadly unable to cipher the strange squiggly figures in which it is written.

  • Sir Manley Johnson says:

    William Shatner is Canadian (from Montreal) but I think he learned to read in the States.

  • Todd says:

    How the hell is a ring in a box a “kit”?

  • Ian says:

    I’ve been looking at the Wizard and Toyfare covers for the past ten minutes and can’t for the life of me figure out why, when the two are combined, something is unfortunate.

    Is it the prevalence of movie adaptations in both magazines? If it were only the first, I might suspect that the lack of Green Lantern coverage is unfortunate, but that doesn’t account for the second.

    The layouts are similar, to be sure, but that’s to be expected when they’re apparently put out by the same (albeit not terribly innovative, cover-wise) folks. It is a little odd that the second looks like “TOVFARE,” but that’s not even a thing!

    Is it the overuse of exclamation marks? Is it the fact that “WHERE IN THE WORLD IS BRIAN K. VAUGHAN!” isn’t properly punctuated, unless the previously anonymous WHERE IN THE WORLD had revealed himself to be the celebrated author of Y: The Last Man, and its manifest unfortunateness has somehow rubbed off on its sister publication?

    Is there some sort of “one of these things is not like the other” thing going on with that silly Cap promo shot?

    Ah. It’s the whole cancellation thing. I leave this sterling piece of comparative humor analysis for future generations to discover, and in the hope that it might save a like-minded reader a half-hour or so of emergency criticism.