End of Civilization

Has it, finally, inevitably, come to this? Has it come to yet another installment of the End of Civilization? Yes, friends, I’m afraid it has, so bust out your copy of Diamond Previews, July 2012 edition, and follow along:

p. 86 – Justice League #0:

At long last, the return of Captain Marvel! That friendly squint, that cheerful grin…thank goodness for this return to a more innocent time!

p. 104 – Batwoman #0:

On one hand, it really seems like the height of obsession that Batwoman (or, yes, her dad) actually spent the time to make sure even the soles of her boots feature little bat shapes. On the other hand…it’s not as if “obsession” is anything new to anyone in the Bat-family.

Also, now I’m picturing Batman hunched over a grinder, smoothing down his Batarang and thinking “needs to be more bat-shaped, more bat-shaped.” Probably best to move on.

p. 108 – Catwoman #0:

Oh. My. God. Just look at this picture! It’s a disgrace! An embarrassment. I mean, come on…Catwoman’s nose doesn’t look like that! What was this artist thinking?

p. 148 – Before Watchmen The Comedian Statue:

I really do think the Comedian’s “’68 Comeback Special” is my favorite concert performance of all time.

p. 149 – DC Comics Super-Heroes Starfire Bust:

…I’m just going to assume you already know what joke I was going to go for here.

p. 149 – DC Comics Super-Heroes Superman Bust:

Yeah, that costume’s a bust, all right.

p. 152 – Ami-Comi Harley Quinn V.2 PVC Figure:

Well, sure, I guess…just don’t look too closely at her face.

OH GOD I SAID DON’T LOOK AAAAAAAH

p. 181 – The Picture of Dorian Gray:

So is this a story about how Dorian Gray keeps a pro-graded slab-sealed copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray comic book adaptation in a box in the closet, and it must remain sealed in the slab for Gray to maintain his youth? Or perhaps I’m misunderstanding something.

p. 239 – Spock On! T-Shirt:

At what point do these shirts cross the line from “one-shot parody” to “basically just a Star Trek shirt?”

p. 275-6 – Peter Cannon Thunderbolt #1:

“Before Ozymandias?” I beg to differ.

(Yes, yes, I know Peter Cannon was an inspiration for the Watchmen character. Just, you know, any excuse to link to that poem.)

p. 299 – Hit-Girl School Girl Statue:

Whew! Thank goodness, I was afraid this would be, you know, kind of weird.

p. 360 – Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine – Hammerhead:

“Oh, wow, a Flattop figure! I love Dick Tracy villains!”

“Um, that’s not Flattop.”

“It’s Flattop Junior? Even better! I’ll take it!”

“But that’s not…ah, hell, sure, enjoy your Flattop Junior figure. Thanks for shopping.”

p. 361 – Marvel Comics The Untold Story HC:

“We can never tell anyone of this. Never.” Beads of sweat were still visible on Stan’s brow.

Jack leaned the shovel against the side of the Buick. “Stan…someone’s going to notice. Someone’s gonna know. We gotta cover our tracks.”

Stan’s burst of anger was sudden and unexpected. He pressed in close to Jack, shouting. “What do you think we’ve been doing? You think I drove three hours out into the desert in the middle of the night for kicks?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, this won’t do us any good,” Steve interjected. “We have to keep our heads, or we risk losing everything.”

Stan turned away from Jack to look at Steve, obviously struggling to contain himself after his outburst. “Yeah…yeah, I’m sorry guys. I’m just….”

“I know,” said Jack, putting a hand on Stan’s shoulder.

Stan walked a short distance away from the other two men, the only sound that of his boots grinding into the sand. He stopped, pulled out and lit a cigarette. He inhaled deeply, and stared out into the evening sky, bright with stars.

“Damn you, Weisinger,” he whispered. “Damn you.”

p. 375-6 – The Quotable Star Trek Voyager Trading Cards:

“Assist me.” – Seven of Nine

“Can you hand me that?” – Tom Paris

“Hey guys.” – Harry Kim

“Hmm, the coffee’s a bit cold.” – Captain Janeway

“Aaaah-CHOO!” – Chakotay

p. 380 – Luke Cage & Power Man Yellow Previews Exclusive Shirt:

Oh, nothing, just the best thing in this month’s catalog. Even with the seemingly extraneous ampersand in the item’s name.

p. 381 – G.I. Joe “Silent But Deadly” Previews Exclusive Black T-Shirt:

“Snake Eyes. G.I. Joe’s deadliest soldier. Fast. Lethal. Unstoppable. Strikes like a type of fart.”

p. 390 – Amazing Spider-Man Gwen Stacy Costume:

This isn’t really a costume so much as just “clothes.”

p. 401 – Star Trek TOS Enterprise Mini-Vehicle:

Ladies and gentlemen…Captain Kirk’s toilet.

p. 431 – Star Wars Jaina Solo ArtFX Bishoujo Statue:

You’d better hope Han Solo doesn’t find out how you’ve been leering at his daughter, you space-pervs.

p. 455 – Amazing Spider-Man Movie Glasses:

Finally, cat’s-eye glasses have been updated for the 21st century.

p. 457 – The Big Bang Theory stuff:

Okay, so I’ve finally seen a few episodes of this show. At no time have I heard a single utterance of the term “bazinga.” I’m going to assume this has simply been an elaborate joke you TBBT fans have been playing on the rest of us. I wouldn’t put it past you, you nuts.

p. 475 – Monopoly Marvel Comics Collector’s Edition:

Do not pass GO, collect FOUR BILLION DOLLARS from Disney anyway! Hooray! Money money money money

p. 475 – Monopoly Sonic the Hedgehog Collectors Ed:

Do not pass GO, do not coll…whoa, Sonic’s passed GO already. Man, that little bastard is fast!

Civilization is still ending, and so am I! …Er, wait, let me rephrase that. …Ah, never mind, let’s just jump right in and see what the new edition of Diamond Previews (for the month of June 2012) has in store for us! Crack open your copy and follow along!

p. 67 – Game of Thrones Iron Throne Replica:

“You see, Little Billy, back in the olden times, before toothpicks were invented, hobbyists used to make models from old swords they just had strewn about the castle.”

p. 100 – Green Lantern Annual #1:

I hope I see one of those “bloody” Lantern insignias tattooed on someone’s arm twenty years later, like I did with the Superman bloody-S tattoo.

p. 116 – Superman Earth One Vol. 2 HC:

Well, here’s at least one point in Earth One‘s favor – Supes still has his red shorts.

p. 123 – Legends of the Dark Knight Alan Davis HC:

Includes Detective Comics #569 – 575…#575, of course, being the first chapter of the four-part “Year Two” storyline, with the other three parts, drawn by Todd McFarlane, not included. …Thanks, DC…I’ll price our backstock on those accordingly! (Please insert evil laugh here.)

p. 140 – V for Vendetta Book & Mask Set:

Why don’t they do these for more graphic novels? Like, box a Flash mask with the Trial of the Flash book? Or pack in a giant mouse head with the Maus graphic novel?

Or maybe DC could have converted V for Vendetta into 3D and put little red ‘n’ blue lenses in the V mask. That’d be awesome.

p. 159 – Danger Girl/G.I. Joe #2:

So is IDW just gonna team up all their licenses? Where’s my Popeye/Dick Tracy team-up, where Popeye just beats the daylights out of Flattop? Or Magic the Gathering Vs. Dungeons & Dragons, where Magic just suddenly comes out of nowhere and pounds D&D into dust? C’mon, you guys at IDW know you want to.

p. 233 – Cylon Raiders T-Shirt:

How ’bout “The Green Bay Frakkers?” You can have that for free, Antarctic.

p. 273 – DC Super Pets Hopping Hero TP:

“Sobek the evil crocodile is on the loose! Luckily, Hoppy the Marvel Bunny is close by.”

Ahem…I believe you mean “Hoppy the Shazam Bunny.”

p. 370 – Firefly A Celebration – Anniversary Edition HC:

Wait, so this is for the tenth anniversary of the show? It’s been off the air for ten years and people are still going on about trying to get it back? …I don’t feel so bad about my several petitions to get Doctor, Doctor back on the air, then, since that’s about as likely.

p. 382 – V for Vendetta Black Line Mask White T-Shirt:

For a second there, I thought that “Our Kind of Guy” text was actually part of the shirt, and not just ad copy. …That would probably make this a better shirt, actually.

p. 383 – Community “Inspector Spacetime” Light Blue T-Shirt:

I’ve never seen one second of Community, have no idea who’s in it or what it’s even about, and I’m already sick of this friggin’ Doctor Who parody. “Oh, hey, wait, is that a mildly-amusing one-off gag I hear? Quick, let’s run it into the ground as quickly and thoroughly as possible!”

p. 394 – Blackest Night costumes:

“Why, Little Billy, aren’t you precious? You’re dressed as…something I’ve never seen before, I think. Are you supposed to be the Devil?”

p. 394 – Superman Second Skin Costume Hero:

Just think, the New 52 version of Superman could’ve looked like this. If you’re disturbed by No-Panties Superman, try dealing with Once-ler-sleeved, no-faced, half-dressed-as-Clark Superman.

p. 396 – The Walking Dead Little Girl Zombie Adult Costume:

Ah, a new selection from the “This Is A Fetish for Someone” fashion line….

p. 403 – Santa’s Ship Minimate Vehicle:

“…So you see, Little Billy, Santa was cursed to wander the skies forever in his flying boat, and he and his crew are forced to make gifts that they must pass out in full every Christmas, or they will meet with an even more terrifying fate.”

“Mike, why is Little Billy crying?”

“Um…I don’t know! I was just telling him about Christmas!”

p. 403 – Marvel Minimates Venom Through the Ages Box Set:

“This is the worst Goth band I’ve ever seen. Let’s get out of here.”

p. 411 – Jumping Brain “DIY Version” 5-Inch Vinyl Figure:

Finally, I can make one of these for my D&D tabletop game.

p. 416 – The Walking Dead Plug-N-Play Game:

Now, I know why toy guns have to be colored like that, so no one playing “Let’s Shoot and Kill the Zombie, i.e. My Kid Sister” won’t get taken out by a SWAT team thinking Little Billy’s holding a real gun, but…man, just look at that thing.

But if they somehow made it into a Captain Power-type thing where you used to gun to shoot at zombies on the actual show, instead of just playing video games built into the gun, then you’d have something, regardless of gun-color.

p. 434 – Magneto Action Statue:

Now, has anyone made an actually-magnetic Magneto statue? It’d be artistic and functional: “Hey, do we have any paperclips?” “Yeah, I think there are a few on the Magneto statue.” “Oh, here they are…thanks!”

p. 437 – Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Station 1/3300-Scale Model Kit:

I was thinking “did someone actually have to determine this was exactly 1/3300 scale” and “what if they just sorta guesstimated…’oh, it’s, um, 1/2990 scale,’ who’s gonna check” and then I remembered “oh, right, it’s Star Trek.”

p. 440 – Marvel Comics Hawkeye Classic Avengers Fine Art Statue:

Okay, hold on to your shorts, it’s time to separate the nerds from the boys with the following joke:

“Man, just look at those powerful gloved hands!”

(EDIT 6/3/12: Reader Ed explains.)

p. 442 – Star Wars Boba Fett Return of the Jedi Ver. Artfx+ Statue:

Can I also rearrange his limbs into flailing positions to reenact his being taken out by a blind Han Solo and falling into the Sarlacc pit like a chump?

p. 450 – Peanuts Ultra Detail Figures:

There’s something about a three-dimensional representation of Charlie Brown that’s always disturbing. Of course, that may just be I looked at these old 3D sculpture ViewMaster reels of the Peanuts gang as a kid, which are absolutely terrifying and have colored my perceptions of such things for all time.

p. 456 – One Piece Arlong Figuarts Zero:

“AAAARGH! WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME ABOUT DRINKING COLLOIDAL SILVER?”

p. 470 – KISS Panda Plushies:

“Hi! Were you planning on sleeping tonight? …Good! We’ll see you there! Pleasant dreams!”

Don’t let my reduced posting schedule fool you…I’m still keeping tabs on the End of Civilization, which should be ending, oh…any time now, I think. Please dress appropriately. Anyway, pop open your copy of Diamond Previews, the May 2012 edition, and let us observe the wonders as they pass before us:

p. 96 – Superman #11:

It’s terrible. …Next question?

p. 152 – Before Watchmen: Rorschach Statue:

“There he was, just walkin’ down the street
Singin’ ‘hrm hurm hurmy hurmy hrm hurmy hurm.'”

p. 154 – Ame-Comi Heroine Series Arisia PVC Figure:

Somehow this makes that whole storyline where Hal Jordan enters a relationship with Arisia after she uses her ring to age herself from adolescence to adulthood even worse.

p. 158 – Jericho Season 4 #1:

You know, if I wait long enough, I’ll finally get that Otherworld: Season Two comic book series that I’ve been waiting for. JUST YOU WATCH.

p. 169 – Star Trek The Next Generation/Doctor Who: Assimilation²:

This issue: The Fourth Doctor meets Captain Kirk! Next issue: the Peter Cushing Doctor Who meets the post-reboot Enterprise crew!

p. 236 – Glamourpuss #26:

And now, exhibit A in how it’s hard to explain why I like this comic:

“It’s Zootanapuss vs. Cosplay Lass and her Kosupure Kaos Posse. Who will win? Can Bunny face down Mr. Rat, da Killa Chinchilla? Toma dis Kitty put you in a coma? QT McWhiskers, yo butt be will kiskers? Also in the History of Photorealism in Comics, Dave Sim continues to compare the various versions of the September 6, 1956 car accident that claimed the life of Alex Raymond.”

God bless you, Dave. You keep printin’ it, I’ll keep readin’ it.

p. 357 – DC Super Pets: Swamp Thing vs. Zombie Pets TP:

Yes I’m getting it shut up it’s beautiful

p. 374 – Watchmen Dr. Manhattan Symbol T-Shirt:

AHEM.

p. 386 – Star Wars Death Star Magnetic Bottle Opener:

Admiral Motti: “This bottle opener is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!”

Darth Vader: “Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to pop open a Bud is insignificant next to the potential of the Force.”

Admiral Motti: “Dude, c’mon, just toss me a bottle from the cooler. You’re standing right there.”

p. 398 – Yummy Black & White Cookie Plush:

Kirk: “You’re black on one side and white on the other.”

Yummy Black & White Cookie Plush: “I am black on the right side.”

Kirk: “I fail to see the significant difference.”

Yummy Black & White Cookie Plush: “He is white on the right side. All of his people are white on the right side. Clearly I am yummier.”

p. 411 – Star Trek USS Enterprise Plush:

“Captain, our ship has been converted to a…squishy material via as-yet-unknown means, and we are being grasped by a giant hand.”

“…”

“Captain?”

“…What is this? Fourth season? Fifth? What’s happened to our scripts? …Oh, for the days of ‘Spock’s Brain.'”

p. 419 – Harry Potter Mechanical Death Eater:

You know, someone out there is, by default, the World’s Biggest Mechanical Death Eater Fan. Probably without even knowing it.

p. 419 – Green Lantern Movie Prop Ring:

Replica prop ring: $35. Actual ring worn in the film: Oh, I don’t know, maybe $50 or so. …How ’bout $45?

p. 426 – The Relic: Kathoga Creature Pre-Built Model:

Is this is a good time to complain that Agent Pendergast got screwed out of appearing in this film? …No? Okay.

p. 427 – Star Wars Death Trooper Statue:

…I’ve been sitting here for more than a few minutes trying to think of a gag for this thing and…well, words fail me, apparently. Is it not enough simply that this exists?

p. 434 – Disney Mickey Mouse Ultra Detail Figures:

I’m going to assume, for no good reason, this is a Mickey Mouse version of the Tron Guy. Maybe a Mickey Mouse version of this fella can be next.

p. 452 – Crusty Zombie Toenails Snack:

Is there like a contest to see just how gross a name you can but on a food item and still get people to eat it? There was like “Dried Zombie Skin,” and various drinks pretending to be blood, and there’s Soylent Green Crackers on the same page as this toenails thing. “So, wha’cha eating?” “Oh, just some Intestinal Choco-Pellets.” “…Excuse me, going to throw up.” “‘Throw-ups?’ I have a bag of those, too!” “…Urp!”

p. 462 – Spider-Man 14″ Super Deformed Plush:

I swear, at first glance I thought this was a Spider-Man head resting on top of a hand, like our old pal Cranius. …That would make shooting his webbing a bit awkward, I’d bet.

Marvel Previews p. 11 – Wolverine and the X-Men #14:

…Why, with Japanese-Porn Man, of course!

Marvel Previews p. 45 – Space Punisher #1:

…That’ll do, Marvel. That’ll do.

Usually I have a few words of introduction to my End of Civilization posts, but after looking at this cover for the April 2012 edition of Diamond Previews:

…all I have to say is this:

And now, we rejoin the End of Civilization, already in progress:

p. 66 – Marvel Classic Character Series 2 #1:

I don’t really have any specific to say about the statue itself…

…though admittedly “petulant little boy pout” is a brave choice of expression for a statue. However, I find myself curious about this:

“Hmmm…I was waiting for a good jumping-on point to start buying these statues! A new number one? I’M IN.”

p. 74 – Before Watchmen: Minutemen #1:

Look for the follow-up mini-series fIREHOSE in 2013!

p. 76 – Before Watchmen: Comedian #1:

I swear, the more I see this cover, the funnier it gets. Appropriate given that it’s the Comedian, but I’m not sure that was the intention. But man, just look at that, and imagine it staring back at you from the comic rack. …And into your unquiet dreams.

p. 132 – Superman Family Adventures #2:

If even the Tiny Titans guys have trouble making that Superman costume look appealing…well, I don’t know what to tell you.

p. 150 – Mars Attacks #1:

55 different covers? You’d probably have to go to 50 different stores to find them all!

Ah, but I kid. But I can imagine what the price guide listings for this are going to look like: “‘Destroying A Dog’ cover – $45.00. All other covers – cover price.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, the other fifty-five covers weren’t enough? You gotta ask about another one?”

p. 151 – Mars Attacks #1 Complete Comic Book Box Set:

And then there’s this…a complete set of all 55 covers, plus a bonus 56th cover only available in this set, for only $199.95. …I absolutely admire this in all its evil glory.

p. 166 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Vol. 1 – Change Is Constant Deluxe Edition:

Like that one time a big-time movie director decided to change the Ninja Turtles into aliens? That was pretty deluxe right there.

p. 236 – Richie Rich Gems: Treasures TP:

You know, up to a certain age, you kinda want to be Richie Rich and have access to all that cash and neat stuff, and past a certain age, you hope that the proletariat, as represented by Freckles and Pee Wee, rises up and drag Richie through the streets.

p. 256 – Soldier of Fortune Magazine Presents #1: Stealth:

1. No, it’s not about the not-evil-but-misunderstood robot plane.

2. Didn’t Soldier of Fortune magazine have, in the 1980s, a comic in the back pages with some scantily-clad gal explaining different types of military equipment and tactics? Where’s our collection of those strips?

2a. Don’t ask how I know about that.

3. Nothing to do with these comics, but I remember a classified ad in the back of an issue of SOF offering the services of “Jon Sable, Freelance.” …In-joke from the editors, or innovative marketing from First Comics? I’ll never know.

3a. Don’t ask why I was looking at the classified ads in Soldier of Fortune.

p. 279 – Dark Shadows #9:

“Another hilarious issue of Dark Shadows, a perfect jumping on point for fans of this year’s hit comedy sensation!”

p. 318 – Alien The Illustrated Story:

A reprint of the Heavy Metal adaptation of the film by Archie Goodwin and Walt Simonson…hopefully lacking the original’s “special feature” of the binding falling apart if you looked at it sideways.

p. 345 – The Amazing Spider-Man Kit:

Hmmm…having this tiny Spider-Man gives me an idea for my next short film:

“OW! A–a Spider-Man! It bit me! But why is it burning so? Why is it glowing that way?”

LOOK OUT, HERE COMES…THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN-MAN!

…I need a vacation.

p. 354 – Porn King The Autobiography of John C. Holmes SC:

…Which kind of begs the question about this shipping to comic book shops in the first place.

p. 371 – V for Vendetta “Accountable” Black T-shirt:

Fight back against The Man with this fully-licensed Warner Brothers product!

p. 383 – Universal Monsters Select Metaluna Mutant:

SON OF A…you mean, if I’d just waited, what, a decade and a half or so and not bought the Interocitor-less Metaluna Mutant action figure that was offered way back when, I could have had the Interocitor-laden Metaluna Mutant now being offered instead? Oh, the tragedy!

p. 384 – Walking Dead Mini-Mates Series 1:

Don’t have any joke or sarcastic comment here…just wanted to point out the mini-fig with its intestines hanging out. That’s…certainly something.

p. 391 – Mr. Potato Head The Wizard of Oz Collector’s Set:

Man, what the hell did the Cowardly Potato fall into? Was he following the Brown Brick Road? Were there no “Curb Your Little Dog Toto, Too?” signs? …Ew.

p. 391 – Battlestar Galactica Lt. Starbuck / Android Sister Action Figures:

No…it’s too terrible, too awful! Not an action figure of…that!

No, no, not of Dirk Benedict. I mean of this:

p. 406 – Star Trek Captain Kirk 1/4 Scale Statue:

Here’s a little something special for my pals Lene and Jungle Kitty over that the Shatner-centric Look at His Butt podcast:

There you go, ladies. Enjoy.

p. 407 – Star Wars Logray Mini-bust:

Wow, they’re sure starting early on the Johnny Depp merchandise for that new Lone Ranger movie.

p. 431 – The Avengers Movie Life-Size Stand-Ups:

Just as fully-dimensional as the characters in the film!

p. 435 – Star Trek The Next Generation Facepalm Magnet Set:

I bet the guy who first started this particular Internet image “meme” is really, really irritated right now. Perhaps even facepalming himself. …IRONY!

p. 442 – Monopoly The Godfather Collector’s Edition:

“Just when I thought I passed GO…they pull me back to JAIL.”

p. 442 – Phineas & Ferb Collector’s Edition:

Do not pass GO, do not…um, make some kind of reference to a TV show you’ve never seen. …Sorry, gang, I can’t watch everything.

p. 442 – Street Fighter Collector’s Edition:

Do not pass GO…in fact, just beat the holy living crap out of GO.

Marvel Previews p. 67 – Marvel Silver Surfer Sculpted Bottle Opener:

You know Galactus totally used the Silver Surfer for just this very task between eating planets:

“TO ME, MY HERALD…GALACTUS MUST POP OPEN THIS BOTTLE OF COSMIC BREWSKI.”

“But, my master, I must surf the spaceways! I must fly amongst the stars, I must…oh, okay, fine.”

POP…fssssh. “AH, THAT HITS THE SPOT OF GALACTUS.”

“…This is so degrading.”

So…we meet again, Diamond Previews. You may think you have the upper hand this time, but I still have a trick or two up my sleeve. Let us begin, then, and may the best man…or 450-page catalog…win.

If you want to keep tabs on our battle, then grab your own copy of Diamond Previews, March 2012 edition, and follow along:

p. 119 – Legion of Super-Heroes #9:

“One of the greatest LEGIONNAIRES quits!”

Whaa–!? “Greatest Legionnaire?” Why, that could only mean…

…that Arm-Fall-Off-Boy had finally made the team! I had no idea. I guess I should have never quit reading the Legion books.

p. 121 – Smallville Season 11 #1:

Just as a guess, I’m going to say the emotion being conveyed on that face there is “hideous embarrassment.” “…Boy, I sure hope any of my friends who didn’t suffer multiple debilitating head injuries don’t see me in this and guess my secret identity!”

p. 122 – Batman Beyond Unlimited #4:

Oh, you can say more. I’m not seeing any “Swamp Thing Beyond” there, after all.

p. 128 – Mister Terrific Vol. 1 Mind Games TP:

Collecting the entirety of a cancelled series and throwing a “Volume 1” on it? Now that’s just rubbing salt in the wound.

p. 145 – The Dark Knight Rises 1:6 Scale Icon Statues:

I’m sure the follow-up series of statues will have Catwoman standing in the heroic pose, and Batman squatting with his ass sticking out. You know, just to be fair.

p. 147 – Batman Arkham City Deluxe Action Figures:

I didn’t realize Batman fought a Predator and one of the crew of the Nostromo in Arkham City. Now I have to get this video game!

p. 151 – Star Trek The Next Generation / Doctor Who – Assimilation² #1:

Oh come on. What kind of completely ridiculous, fan-fictiony, totally pandering piece of nonsense that I’m absolutely going to be buying is this?

p. 186 – Youngblood #71:

Now, a long time ago on this site, I opined that if Rob Liefeld had stuck with Youngblood from the beginning, and just kept pumping out an issue month after month after month for years, my guess is that by now that theoretical Youngblood series, which would be in its 170s or 180s, would be amazing. I don’t know if it would be “amazing” as in “actually really good” or “amazing” as in “oh my God what the hell is this,” but seeing this relaunch beginning with #71 just reminded me of a wonderful thing we may never see. Unless he commits to this series for twenty years, of course.

p. 329 – X-O Manowar #1 QR Voice Variant:

When I just saw the headlines about this, as opposed to, say, actually reading the articles and seeing what the actual deal was, I just assumed all the X-O Manowar #1s would have sound chips in the covers, like those novelty greeting cards.

Which resulted in these Twittering shenanigans:

Luckily you’re going to need one of those fancy QR-code-readin’ space phones from the future to enable the talking bit of the talking covers, so you talking comic book covers won’t be gettin’ a hold of me, nosiree.

p. 351 – Why Does Batman Carry Shark Repellent? SC:

Answer: because why wouldn’t he? He’s Batman. Duh. Should’ve asked me first, Brian.

p. 354 – Doctor Who Where’s the Doctor? HC:

Of course, if they were really mean, they wouldn’t tell you which version of the Doctor was hidden in each picture. That’ll keep you Whovians off the streets for a while.

p. 360 – Star Wars Cookbook: Wookiee Pies, Clone Scones, And Other Galactic Goodies HC:

“My God, that’s Wookiee Pie! …It’s good, though.”

p. 398 – Strong Guy Mini-Bust:

Usually, I poke a little fun at the crazy statues they’ll produce for a hopelessly limited market. But…yeah, I have no problem with this one. Buy it, put it on a shelf, and if anyone doesn’t get it…let ’em wonder.

p. 423 – Spider-Man Back Buddy:

“Hey, there’s a spider on your back!”

p. 433 – Spider-Man Collector’s Edition Monopoly:

Do not pass the George Washington Bridge, do not catch Gwen Sta…oh, what’s that? …Ooh, that’s a damn shame.

p. 433 – World of Warcraft Collector’s Edition Monopoly:

Do not pass, um, the Warcraft Base, do not collect…orc treasure? Or something? Hell, I don’t know anything about World of Warcraft, I have no idea.

Marvel Previews p. 32 – Mighty Thor #14:

“What really happens in your room at night…?” Um, we’re still talking about the comic, right?

Marvel Previews p. 39 – Fantastic Four #606:

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Wait for it….
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Marvel Previews p. 41 – Marvel Zombies Destroy! #1:

Looks like Nazi Zombies are all the rage this year!

I’m going to admit that this is a permutation on the zombie fad I didn’t not expect to be gifted upon us at this late date. Well, if there are two things fanboys love, it’s zombies, and, um, yeah.

Marvel Previews p. 82 – Civil War Prose Novel HC:

Revealed at last! The inner motivations of Clone Thor! What are his hopes? His dreams? His deepest desires? His darkest fears? Finally get into the head of the breakout character of…2006, was it? Like, 5 and a half years ago? Geez. I didn’t need to be reminded of that.

It’s time again for another entry in The End of Civilization, a once-classic, stand-alone, self-contained story since cheapened and undermined by an endless series of sequels and spinoffs. But the market demands more, so I must provide! Bust open your February 2012 edition of Diamond Previews, throw the Watchmen movie on the DVD player for a little background noise, and follow along:

p. 37 – Star Wars Omnibus Droids and Ewoks TP:

NOTICE: may not contain enough, or any at all, of this:

ALSO: Ewok stories may not contain sufficient amounts of Wilford Brimley. LET THE BUYER BEWARE.

p. 65 – Grendel Omnibus Vol. 1 Hunter Rose TP:

I’d like to think the last week or so of posts on my site had something to do with this…publishing lead times be damned.

p. 103 – Swamp Thing #8:

“Behold the terrifying true potential of the Swamp Thing — a form so fearsome we couldn’t put it on the cover!”

OH PLEASE OH PLEASE:

p. 196 – The Art of Being Spawn:

(CHEAP JOKE IN 3…2…)

Well, at least there’s some art involved somewhere with Spawn.

(CHEAP JOKE DEPLOYED. APOLOGIES TENDERED.)

p. 237 – Occupy Sesame Street T-Shirt:

Well, sure, why not.

p. 344 – Kinky Nylons SC:

Oh, hey, my new “Superheroines Pose Reference” art manual is in!

p. 344 – 100 Baddest Mother F****ers in Comics SC:

Yeah, that’s right.

p. 345 – The Avengers Kit:

“Congratulations, Hawkeye! You are now a full-fledged member of the Avengers!”

“Gee, what an honor!”

“Here is your membership pin…”

“Great!”

“Your Avengers manual…”

“Um, that’s kind of small.”

“…And your miniature Captain America figurine!”

“Wait, what? What do I need this f–”

“DON’T EVER LET US CATCH YOU WITHOUT LITTLE CAP.”

“Geez, okay!”

p. 352 – The Big Damn Firefly & Serenity Trivia Book SC:

Given that the likely market for this book practically wallows in Whedonverse minutia, I’m sure the writer of this book had a devil of a time coming up with real stumpers.

p. 362 – The Punisher “Double Fisted” Red All-Over-Print Previews Exclusive T-Shirt:

I have to admit, the name of this shirt evoked a different image than the one ultimately presented.

p. 365 – “Chillax” T-Shirt:

Seriously, is there a group of superheroes less “chillax” than the X-Men? …Then again, I’m only somewhat certain about the exact meaning of “chillax,” since I am old and am not hep to the slang of you young folks these days.

p. 367 – Joker Skinned T-Shirt:

“Hello! Do you have any t-shirts emblazoned with the most appalling Batman image in recent history?”

“Well, I do have shirt with ‘Are You Retarded? I’m the Godd…'”

“…No, no, I mean something really appalling.”

“Hmmm…okay, let me get the tongs and unseal the vault. Hold on a moment.”

p. 377 – Marvel Iron Man Neon Sign:

At last, my Red Skull with Manga Fox Mask display is finally available!

p. 382 – Avengers Earth’s Mightiest Heroes Action Figures:

I will pay One American Dollar if Captain America uses anything like that Shield Launcher in the movie. “HOLD ON, LET ME GET MY SHIELD GUN!” “Right on, Cap!”

p. 389 – Living Dead Dolls: Kick-Ass Hit Girl Doll:

I’m just going to say “Oh dear” and leave it at that.

p. 389 – Tonner Alice in Wonderland: Tarrant the Mad Hatter 8-Inch Doll:

No. Please stop.

p. 400 – Star Wars Dart Board:

Comes with bonus targets: Jar Jar, Anakin (Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen), that two-headed race announcer from Phantom Menace, Shooting-First Greedo, and maybe Lucas himself, but c’mon, surely you’ve forgiven him by now.

p. 403 – Elvis Presley ’68 Comeback Special ArtFX Figure:

Remember when girls would go so crazy when Elvis was onstage they’d cut off their own hands and throw them at him? Man, those were some wild days.

p. 411 – Ikki Tousen Shimei “Jake Version” PVC Figure:

“…Rival schools wage war against each other, influenced by powerful jewels that contain the spirits of legendary warriors.”

…Also, there are naked girls. Because when aren’t there.

p. 416 – Loki Mischief Cologne for Men:

Now, when I make the joke “oh, so that’s what happened to all the snake venom Sigyn collected in the bowl,” you know I’m making reference to the original Norse legends about Loki’s fate (bound beneath ground, venom dripping into his face, wife catches venom in bowl but must occasionally empty it out, allowing venom to hit Loki) and not actually casting any real aspersions upon what must certainly be a fine product, and oh God please don’t sue me I don’t have anything worth taking

p. 416 – Nick Fury Infinity Formula Cologne for Men:

Ah, this will go well with my Nick Fury Vision-Health Eye Drops.

…What? What?

p. 418 – Adam Warrock Audio CDs:

What’s this? Hippity-hoppity-rappity CDs? In my Previews? Why, of all the nerve! I would never recommend such a thing, and I certainly wouldn’t direct you to this artist’s website, where you can download a multitude of free tracks! Or send you to this site where you can get a free EP of music inspired by the TV show Firefly I know a few of you like! Never in a million years!

So I’m back from my holiday hiatus, my batteries…well, somewhat recharged but I’ll take what I can get, and ready for a whole new year of civilization ending, so let’s get started, shall we? Bust open your copies of Diamond Previews (January 2012 edition) and follow along if you are so inclined:

p. 20 – Diary of a Zombie Kid:

I have to say a chilling courtroom drama is a bold choice for a Free Comic Book Day giveaway.

p. 21 – Burt Ward Boy Wonder #1:

Now if Hustler Magazine had a comics line, we could finally get that comic book adaptation of “A Young Crimefighter’s Fantasy” the industry has demanded. (Link probably not safe for work, as you might guess.)

p. 26 – Marvel Heroclix Thor Figure:

Why, what’s that he’s holding there? Some kind of protest sign? Another one of those “Occupy Asgard” hippies? I knew that longhair was trouble.

p. 28 – FCBD 2012 Commemorative Shirt: Jim Lee:

Well, okay, the design’s actually going to be this:

But this pic with the solicitation is the first thing that grabbed my eye:

…and now I want my Free Comic Book Day shirt to be that very image, with Lee in that pose.

p. 49 – Mike Richardson Comes to Your Store:

So Dark Horse Comics is having this thing where if you post images of yourself at your favorite comic shop in this mask of DH publisher Mike Richardson:

…you might get a chance at having said publisher show up at your shop for a special Dark Horse day.

Well, let me tell you, I wore this at the shop pretty much every day for a month:

…and I didn’t get nuthin’. Well, I did get my will enslaved by an evil alien intelligence, which is almost as good as a Dark Horse party, I guess.

p. 73 – Marvel Classic Characters Spider-Man New York Comic Con Exclusive:

Do they still do the armpit webbings and the belt in the newer Spider-Man comics? I haven’t kept up with Spider-Man, I have no idea. But they should totally bring those back in the movies, at least. That big ol’ clunky belt with the Spidey face-projector on the front is awesome.

p. 147 – Saga of the Swamp Thing Book One TP:

So will they finally get the missing caption problem straightened out? Tune in next time, same Swamp time, same Swamp channel.

p. 190 – Bloodstrike #26:

So if they’re bringing back old Image properties and picking up the numbering where they left off, let us hope for Darker Image #2. Or Fell #10. I wouldn’t mind seeing either of those. …Yes, I was the guy who liked Darker Image, shut up.

p. 226 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Mystery Action Figure:

What the c**k is this s**t. …That better be Jack of Hearts, Moondragon, or motherf**king Rick Jones if you’re going to be pulling that.

p. 353 – Peanuts Snoopy Flying Ace Kit:

Nice, but I’m holding out for this kit:

p. 357 – Family Guy Peter Vs. Giant Chicken Thumb Wrestling Kit:

Halfway through your thumb battle, you flash back to when [notable ’70s celebrities] were thumb wrestling.

…Look, all I pretty much know about Family Guy is the flashback thing. That’s the only go-to gag about the show I have. Well, that and the a-ha parody video, which was pretty good, I thought. But “a-ha thumb wrestling” isn’t as amus…wait, hold on. That is kind of funny, maybe. Let me get back to you.

p. 358 – Aslan The Pin-Up Book:

This totally undermines the whole “Lion-Jesus” thing from the Narnia series.

p. 361 – Star Wars The Secret Life of Droids:

LUKE: “Hmmm, this R2 unit seems to have some kind of hidden recording…hey, is that Bob Crane?”

C3PO: “Oh no!”

p. 362 – Alien Chopsticks:

“H.R. Giger” and “eating utensils” are not two things I normally would have associated with each other.

p. 373 – Classic Swamp Thing T-Shirt:

Oh, you bastards. The iconic Wrightson cover for Swamp Thing #9, original series, in the t-shirt format I’ve always desired? …You don’t play fair. No sir.

p. 379 – Star Wars Handbags:

“Um, sir…?”

“YES, COMMANDER?”

“The…the men were wondering about this new…uniform accessory that you’ve instructed us all to carry.”

“…IS THERE A PROBLEM?”

“Well, um, the men…don’t really need handbags, sir. They have belts, and, uh, pockets, and….”

“THESE HANDBAGS HAVE ME ON THEM. THEREFORE THEY ARE NECESSARY. YOU CAN KEEP SMALL TOOLS IN THEM. AND EQUIPMENT. AND LIPSTICKS.”

“Y-yes, sir. And there’s one more thing, if I may…?”

“IT HAD BETTER NOT BE COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE YOGA PANTS. I FIND THEM COMFORTABLE AND FREEING, AND SO SHOULD ALL OF YOU.”

“Um…thank you, Lord Vader.”

p. 387 – Star Trek The Next Generation Retro Cloth Borg:

GOTHS…IN…SPAAAAAAACE

p. 395 – O-No Sashimi “Red Version” Vinyl Figure:

Test-marketing showed that the Finding Nemo version of this figure was…”troubling.”

p. 403 – Star Wars Kenner Hammerhead 12-inch Action Figure:

Pretty much running this entry just so I have an excuse to repost this from the Twitter feed:

Also, because this was one of my favorite figures from the original Star Wars action figure line. Even though I’m pretty sure this character wasn’t wearing a blue one-piece swimsuit in the movie.

p. 425 – Ikki Tousen Dragon Destiny: Shimei Ryomou “Ura Jake” PVC Figure:

“Shimei Ryomou is bound, in her undressed state, to a bed in this stunning PVC statue that brings to life the sultry curves of this powerful fighter.”

Sometimes I just don’t need to say anything.

p. 426 – Terminator 2 T-800 HD Masterpiece Action Figure:

I was going to make a joke about a Terminator “Masterpiece” figure, but…1/4th scale? $400? All those extra hands? …Okay, you’ve almost earned the description of “masterpiece,” but first we need to strip the figure down to its robot skivvies and bind it to a bed…

p. 430 – Star Wars Cufflinks:

As the Force is my witness, I can think of occasions for all these cufflinks, save for the Darth Maul ones.

p. 432 – Dried Zombie Skin Seaweed Pack:

At last, they found a way to make seaweed sound appetizing.

(Yes, yes, I know, “seaweed tastes great, you ignorant swine.” …MY PALATE IS NOT READY.)

p. 442 – Star Trek Earloomz GL-500 Bluetooth Headsets:

So they couldn’t even TRY to make these look like those crazy earpieces Uhura used to wear in the original series?

p. 444 – Disney Traditions Mickey Mouse Bird Feeder Statue:

Mickey’s totally going to eat that bird. I mean, c’mon, just look at that big rodent.

Marvel Previews p. 3 – Avengers Vs. X-Men:

I don’t know…looking at the new comics rack, I’d have to say “both.”

It’s like Christmas Day without bags full of ripped-up wrapping paper or any actual stuff in your possession…it’s the End of Civilization, where I poke through our distributor’s catalog and point out the best and the brightest of the items offered therein. Or at least the items I can make a smart-ass comment about. Bust out your copies of the December 2011 edition of Diamond Previews and follow along, why don’t you already:

p. 142 – Starcraft Premium Series 2 Collectible Figures:

“Moooom! This jacket’s way too big for me!”

“Oh, don’t worry, son…you’ll grow into it.”

p. 207 – Pigs #6:

…The same Previews that let this through last month:

p. 215 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:

Thank goodness they used a whole page to show us the figures weren’t ready to be shown. Well, it’s just one page out of the solicitations…no big deal.

p. 228 – Richie Rich Valentine’s Day Special 2012 One-Shot:

The inherent tragedy of Richie Rich: never knowing if he is truly loved for who he is, or simply loved for his money. EVERY VALENTINE’S DAY: wallowing in rampant consumerism and shallow meaningless relationships, showering others in gifts while ignoring the nagging doubts, and the gaping emptiness, in his heart.

p. 337 – Batman Bat Signal Kit:

If you light up this two-inch high Bat Signal replica, one of the Borrowers turns up in his homemade Batman outfit, who then fights the Indian in the Cupboard, who is inexplicably dressed as the Penguin. …Hey, I don’t make it up, I just report it.

p. 337 – DC Superhero Figurine Collection Magazine Special – Swamp Thing:

Oh, and it has to be one of the larger statuettes, making this one of the $38 specials, and not the regular $14 mag. You bastards.

p. 348 – Angry Birds Bad Piggies’ Egg Recipes HC:

Recipes presumably created by Piggies experimenting upon the eggs they eggnapped from the Angry Birds, which is the reason the Birds are so Angry in the first place. …Surely this is a Geneva Convention violation of some sort.

p. 358 – Superhero X-Ray T-shirts:

They should do a Plastic Man version of one of these shirts, just so we could see what the hell is going on in there. Or maybe Bouncing Boy.

p. 363 – Green Lantern “Classic Word” Snap Back Cap:

If only this were actually how the logo was mounted on the hat. And it could spin around like a propeller. With a whistling noise, like this: “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

p. 366 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:

Oh, say…a second full page devoted to not showing you the figures which apparently weren’t ready at press time. But hey, what’s two catalog pages between friends, right?

p. 373 – Hope Diamond Barbie Doll:

Sadly, the Hope Diamond Curse struck again, as Hope Diamond Barbie was attacked and killed by a pack of wild dogs while visiting Moscow.

p. 373 – Hot Wheels Video Racer Micro Camera Car:

“Hot Wheels Video Racer cars are the first 1:64 track-compatible cars with a fully functional camera encased in the body! Using the clips and straps provided, it can be also attached to bikes, helmets, skateboards – nearly anything that moves! […] Video can be easily edited…and shared to show off your thrilling race footage with friends and family!”

“And now…presenting our remake of Fantastic Voyage, starring our Great Dane, Barkimus!”

p. 388 – Star Wars Kenner Walrus Man 12-Inch Action Figure:

This is unholy.

p. 394 – Star Wars General Veers Mini-Bust:

This is someone’s favorite Star Wars character. …That person’s time has come.

p. 406 – Cars 2 Mater & Speed McQueen Be@rbrick 2-Pack:

You wouldn’t think seeing the Cars characters in human form would be as upsetting as it is, but it is. Oh Lordy.

p. 406 – Star Trek Khan Noonien Singh Maxi Bust:

You’re darned tootin’ this is a Maxi Bust. Ricardo Montalban’s chestiest performance, immortalized in this most manly of statues.

Marvel Previews p. 75 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:

What is the mystery of…”Hawkeye” and “the Hulk?” What secrets are they hiding? Are they friends…or foes? Surely this third full page ad will whet your appetite for these two exciting new characters!
 
 
 

Special thanks to Evil Bully for tracking down that Boys scan.

Don’t be afraid, boys and ghouls…it’s only me, your old pal the Ruin Keeper, with a scary look into the forbidden tome of Diamond Previews, the…um, the November 2011 edition. …Ah, heck, Halloween’s over, isn’t it? Rats. I suppose it’s still a frightening time for turkeys, but that’s not quite the same, really. Anyway, follow along in your own copy of Previews…if you DARE. Ah HA HA HA HA! (cough)

p. 61 – Marvel Classic Character Fantastic Four #3 – Human Torch:

“Please enjoy my fully-enclosing corduroy body suit with back-flares…ladies.”

p. 120 – DC Comics Presents the New 52 #1:

Oh, no, DC…please, put out another reprint of Swamp Thing #1. I’m not so weak that I’ll keep picking ’em up as you dash ’em out, not at all.

p. 123 – Power Girl: Old Friends TP:

Okay, between my initial misinterpretation with the last one, and the title of this one, I’m having real difficulty not reading the titles of these Power Girl trades as euphemisms for her breasts. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person, I’m sorry.

p. 147 – Cobra Annual 2012: The Origin of Cobra Commander:

The image had to be classified, else Cobra Commander’s secret obsession with his Kermit the Frog and chicken handpuppets would stand revealed.

p. 160 – Star Trek #5 contest:

In short, the winner of the contest (who would write in explaining which retailer s/he’d take a phaser shot for) would get to be “red shirt” on this cover here, while the retailer would be the commanding officer in the background getting saved by the customer’s sacrifice.

Pretty sure my customers wouldn’t take a phaser shot for me. They know I sold pogs, after all…they’d probably gang up and throw me to the Romulans.

p. 219 – Keep on Troopin’ T-Shirt:

Now I’m picturing Mr. Natural fighting Darth Vader in a lightsaber duel. Somewhere, Robert Crumb sheds a single tear.

p. 219 – Nazi Zombies #1:

p. 334 – X-Men “Don’t Trouble Us” Gold Preview Exclusive T-Shirt:

Actually, I think I’d rather have that “Classic Mutants” logo whipped up for this solicitation on a shirt.

p. 348-9 – Marvel Minimates Series 43 Mini-Figure 2-Packs:

I can’t help but feel this slightly undermines the gravitas of the original story.

p. 352 – Canman X 8-Inch Vinyl Figures:

This will go well with my series of Graffiti Cleaning Team action figures.

p. 366 – Pocahontas 1/4-Scale Statue:

“This 19″ tall statue […] complete with a magnetic removeable top….”

Finally, a way to get kids interested in history again…statuettes of famous folks with magnetic removable tops! Marie Curie, Florence Nightingale, Teddy Roosevelt…the possibilities are endless.

p. 371 – Steampunk Multi-Gear Necklace & Earrings:

Ah, yes, from the “That One Drawer in Dad’s Old Toolbox out in The Garage” Collection.

p. 380 – Disney X Roen Collection: Grunge Rock Mickey Vinyl Collector Doll:

Son of a gun! All apologies for this joke, but does it come in a heart-shaped box? This kind of thing gives me an aneurysm. It just drains you. You know? Even a sliver of this stuff is just too much. Just stay away with that crap.

I — you know what, nevermind.

p. 386 – Star Wars Darth Vader CD Boombox:

I kind of want this, though it disturbs me to think about a Darth Vader that could flip back the top of his head to yank out compact discs (or remove discs from other parts of his body) to throw at people, sorta like CD Head from Hellraiser 3:

p. 397 – Kick Ass Coffee Mugs:

As previously featured in End of Civilization, the Kick Ass mugs have apparently been delayed from their original solicitation and are being offered again. Without, however, the “It’s ******** Clobbering Time!” mug, which perhaps caused Marvel to have a word or two with the Kick Ass licensing folks.

The “You Are A ******* P**SY” mug does seem to be a bit confrontational. And is it supposed to be, y’know, aimed at other people in the office, telling them that they are the “******* P**S[S*ES]” in question, or is it some kind of reverse-psychology motivator for the owner of the mug, telling him to man up and finally tell that j*ck*ff in Accounting what he really thinks of him? Who can say. Who can truly ******* say.

p. 399 – The Smurfs Tynies Glass Figurines:

Each one only one inch (or two half-inch apples) tall (even Gargamel)…now look even more like hideous grubs that will burrow under your skin and feed off your blood. AAAA SMURFS ALL OVER ME GET THEM OFF

p. 410 – Cthulhu Tentacle Plush:

NOT A SEX TOY…ah, who am I kidding. Totally a sex toy.

p. 410 – Monopoly Futurama Collector’s Edition Board Game:

Do not pass GO, do bite my shiny metal…oh, wait, there’s a “bite my shiny metal ass” gag in the actual solicitation. Ah, this time, you have the upper hand, Diamond Previews, but things will be different when next we meet. Oh yes.

p. 410 – Monopoly Star Trek Klingon Collector’s Edition Board Game:

Do not pass Sto-vo-kor, do not ‘ay’vamDaq nuHmey tIQeq.

p. 414 – Grant Morrison Talking with Gods Special Edition DVD:

“…Includes over 3 and a half hours of new material, including […] Grant teaching viewers how to summon the News Gods at home.”

Presumably that’s a typo, and they meant “New Gods,” unless Grant’s actually presenting his elaborate masturbation-magick ritual to summon the spirit of Walter Cronkite, and I’m not sure the world is quite ready for that.

Marvel Previews p. 63 – Wolverine #300:

Ah, hell, let’s just put any ol’ number on the comics now. Not like anyone’s gonna be able to figure this all out a century from now anyway…if anyone’s still going to care. Or, heck, let’s just do away with issue numbers entirely. We can just go by dates. It’s good enough for Newsweek (though it could be a bit embarrassing if there’s another one of these situations).
 

Special thanks to Shane Bailey and Benjamin Birdie for the Grunge Mickey joke.

It’s that time once again, when I flip through the new Diamond Previews and pick out and poke at those new goodies that catch my attention. And if you want to follow along, grab your copy of the October 2011 edition and…um, follow along, I suppose!

p. 131 – Hellblazer Annual #1:

Finally! At long last, a Hellblazer annual! I’ve been waiting so long for the Hellblazer series to be given a chance to shine in a special extra-length adventure! And by “waiting so long” I mean “the twenty years since the last Hellblazer Annual #1.”

p. 138 – Superman Patina Mini Statue:

This just reminds me that, aside from movie tie-in merchandise, we’re probably not going to see a whole lot of licensing with Superman in the new shortsless get-up.

p. 139 – Just-Us-League of Stupid Heroes Series 1 Action Figures:

Huh. These are supposed to be parody figures, but they didn’t change Aquaman at all.

p. 145 – Snake Eyes #8:

With a special photo-cover featuring an exclusive look at a scene from the next G.I. Joe movie! Or pics of G.I. Joe action figures. Same diff.

p. 223 – Evil Spock T-Shirt:

I think they misspelled “Sexy.”

p. 229 – Archie #627 Archie Meets KISS Part 1:

I hope this leads into future storylines where the Archie gang meets other musical acts. “Archie Meets G.G. Allin” is the one I look forward to the most, I think. …Don’t use G.G.’s microphone, Reggie!

p. 266 – Lord of the Jungle #1:

“For the first time in its 100 year history the classic Edgar Rice Burroughs story, Tarzan of the Apes is told UNCENSORED!”

“First time,” eh? AHEM. I beg to differ:

p. 337 – 1000 Ways to Die TPB:

Mostly, I’m just amazed there’s a comic book version of this TV show. I think they missed a bet, though, in not focusing on the many ways comic book characters die. …Would have had the Ted Kord Blue Beetle fans interested, at least.

p. 341 – The DC Superhero Chess Figure Collector Magazine:

The characters from Checkmate are going to be featured in this series eventually, aren’t they?

p. 345 – If You Give A Kid A Cookie, Will He Shut the F*** Up? HC:

So is making faux-kids’ books with profanities in the title the new fad now? Charlotte’s F***ing Web? Harry Potter and the Chamber of S**t? What the C*** Did I See on Mulberry Street? From the F***ed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler?

Anyway, as literary fads go, it’s better than zombies. Unless they mix those in, too. It’s Motherf***ing Zombies, Charlie Brown!

p. 345 – Bugf#ck The Worthless Wit & Wisdom of Harlan Ellison:

And here’s another faux-kids’ bo…oh, wait, hold on. The “f#ck” threw me off.

p. 357 – Splitscream T-Shirt:

Uh…what?

p. 364 – The Punisher Jakes Knit Cap:

Just imagine if this was the Punisher’s identifying clothing, instead of the skull shirt. I don’t know if that would be hilarious or somehow even more terrifying.

p. 368 – Ghostbusters Terror Dog Light-Up Mini Statue:

So is this Sigourney Weaver, or is this Rick Moranis? …Somewhere, a Ghostbusters fan is worrying about this. Or, uh, just buying two of them, I guess.

p. 370 – Femme Fatales Bo Peep PVC Statue:

According to the solicit, the statue “re-imagines the demure shepherdess as a fierce highlands warrior with wolfskin boots and gauntlets and a shepherd’s crook that will take your head off.” …”Re-imagines” seems like understating it just slightly.

p. 382 – Mr. Potato Head Kiss 2011 Collector Set:

So when do these guys team up with Archie? Also, how different is this set from ones in previous years? Is the 1983 Collector Set sans makeup? …Or you can just take off the makeup pieces, maybe.

p. 398 – Disney Pirates of the Caribbean Captain Jack Sparrow Mickey Vinyl Collector Doll:

I am upsetting myself by picturing Mickey in the place of Johnny Depp in all the Pirates films, so I’m stopping now.

p. 399 – Doctor Who Eleventh Doctor with Cowboy Hat Figure:

Has the Doctor shown up in a sombrero yet? I’d buy a Doctor Who Eleventh Doctor with Sombrero figure.

p. 410 – Mixo DC Heroes Kooky Kans:

Apparently these are like cylindrical lunch boxes, or…something, I guess? But I swear, when I first glanced at the picture, I thought it was superhero-themed deodorant cans. Too bad…that’d probably do well at conventions.

p. 411 – Superman and Supergirl Emblem Pendants:

The Supergirl emblem’s solicitation text states that Supergirl “wears a distinctive version of the House of El’s sigil.” And by “distinctive” they mean “perhaps…slightly more pinkish, maybe?” Or “more glare in the photo?”

p. 411 – DC Comics Pint Glasses:

“Superman Pick-Up Lines” is about as fundamental misunderstanding of the character as…well, this. And let’s face it, “wanna come to my Batcave” just plain crosses the line from “subtext” to full-on “text.”

p. 418 – Star Trek Mighty Wallets:

So here I was, all ready to make a joke about “they don’t use money in Star Trek‘s future, hurr hurr,” but Previews totally beats me to it in the actual solicitation text. …Well played, Previews, well played. You have won this battle.

p. 418 – Star Wars Imperial Forces Wallpaper:

In case you needed something to finish off the nursery, along with the TIE fighter mobile, the R2-D2-shaped milk bottle, and the furry Ewok diapers. My best to you, your spouse, and, of course, baby Lobot.

p. 418 – Star Wars Wacky Wisecracks Figures:

…And there was no forgiveness, not ever again.