Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
It’s time again for another entry in The End of Civilization, a once-classic, stand-alone, self-contained story since cheapened and undermined by an endless series of sequels and spinoffs. But the market demands more, so I must provide! Bust open your February 2012 edition of Diamond Previews, throw the Watchmen movie on the DVD player for a little background noise, and follow along:
p. 37 – Star Wars Omnibus Droids and Ewoks TP:
NOTICE: may not contain enough, or any at all, of this:
ALSO: Ewok stories may not contain sufficient amounts of Wilford Brimley. LET THE BUYER BEWARE.
p. 65 – Grendel Omnibus Vol. 1 Hunter Rose TP:
I’d like to think the last week or so of posts on my site had something to do with this…publishing lead times be damned.
p. 103 – Swamp Thing #8:
“Behold the terrifying true potential of the Swamp Thing — a form so fearsome we couldn’t put it on the cover!”
OH PLEASE OH PLEASE:
p. 196 – The Art of Being Spawn:
(CHEAP JOKE IN 3…2…)
Well, at least there’s some art involved somewhere with Spawn.
(CHEAP JOKE DEPLOYED. APOLOGIES TENDERED.)
p. 237 – Occupy Sesame Street T-Shirt:
Well, sure, why not.
p. 344 – Kinky Nylons SC:
Oh, hey, my new “Superheroines Pose Reference” art manual is in!
p. 344 – 100 Baddest Mother F****ers in Comics SC:
Yeah, that’s right.
p. 345 – The Avengers Kit:
“Congratulations, Hawkeye! You are now a full-fledged member of the Avengers!”
“Gee, what an honor!”
“Here is your membership pin…”
“Great!”
“Your Avengers manual…”
“Um, that’s kind of small.”
“…And your miniature Captain America figurine!”
“Wait, what? What do I need this f–”
“DON’T EVER LET US CATCH YOU WITHOUT LITTLE CAP.”
“Geez, okay!”
p. 352 – The Big Damn Firefly & Serenity Trivia Book SC:
Given that the likely market for this book practically wallows in Whedonverse minutia, I’m sure the writer of this book had a devil of a time coming up with real stumpers.
p. 362 – The Punisher “Double Fisted” Red All-Over-Print Previews Exclusive T-Shirt:
I have to admit, the name of this shirt evoked a different image than the one ultimately presented.
p. 365 – “Chillax” T-Shirt:
Seriously, is there a group of superheroes less “chillax” than the X-Men? …Then again, I’m only somewhat certain about the exact meaning of “chillax,” since I am old and am not hep to the slang of you young folks these days.
p. 367 – Joker Skinned T-Shirt:
“Hello! Do you have any t-shirts emblazoned with the most appalling Batman image in recent history?”
“Well, I do have shirt with ‘Are You Retarded? I’m the Godd…'”
“…No, no, I mean something really appalling.”
“Hmmm…okay, let me get the tongs and unseal the vault. Hold on a moment.”
p. 377 – Marvel Iron Man Neon Sign:
At last, my Red Skull with Manga Fox Mask display is finally available!
p. 382 – Avengers Earth’s Mightiest Heroes Action Figures:
I will pay One American Dollar if Captain America uses anything like that Shield Launcher in the movie. “HOLD ON, LET ME GET MY SHIELD GUN!” “Right on, Cap!”
p. 389 – Living Dead Dolls: Kick-Ass Hit Girl Doll:
I’m just going to say “Oh dear” and leave it at that.
p. 389 – Tonner Alice in Wonderland: Tarrant the Mad Hatter 8-Inch Doll:
No. Please stop.
p. 400 – Star Wars Dart Board:
Comes with bonus targets: Jar Jar, Anakin (Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen), that two-headed race announcer from Phantom Menace, Shooting-First Greedo, and maybe Lucas himself, but c’mon, surely you’ve forgiven him by now.
p. 403 – Elvis Presley ’68 Comeback Special ArtFX Figure:
Remember when girls would go so crazy when Elvis was onstage they’d cut off their own hands and throw them at him? Man, those were some wild days.
p. 411 – Ikki Tousen Shimei “Jake Version” PVC Figure:
“…Rival schools wage war against each other, influenced by powerful jewels that contain the spirits of legendary warriors.”
…Also, there are naked girls. Because when aren’t there.
p. 416 – Loki Mischief Cologne for Men:
Now, when I make the joke “oh, so that’s what happened to all the snake venom Sigyn collected in the bowl,” you know I’m making reference to the original Norse legends about Loki’s fate (bound beneath ground, venom dripping into his face, wife catches venom in bowl but must occasionally empty it out, allowing venom to hit Loki) and not actually casting any real aspersions upon what must certainly be a fine product, and oh God please don’t sue me I don’t have anything worth taking
p. 416 – Nick Fury Infinity Formula Cologne for Men:
Ah, this will go well with my Nick Fury Vision-Health Eye Drops.
…What? What?
p. 418 – Adam Warrock Audio CDs:
What’s this? Hippity-hoppity-rappity CDs? In my Previews? Why, of all the nerve! I would never recommend such a thing, and I certainly wouldn’t direct you to this artist’s website, where you can download a multitude of free tracks! Or send you to this site where you can get a free EP of music inspired by the TV show Firefly I know a few of you like! Never in a million years!
Every word on the description for the Punisher shirt slays me.
That Joker shirt, however, can have an interesting second life once re purposed by juggalos.
Seriously thought, the marketing decision behind that…
Thanks. Now I can’t get the image of “severed body parts” Elvis out of my head.
Diehard fan stumper question from the Firefly & Serenity Trivia Book:
Fans of the failed show Firefly, and the subsequent movie flop are seen as:
A. Nerds
B. Losers
C. Unable to accept that their automatic devotion is pitiful and exasperating
D. All of the above
“They say that Swamp Thing is one bad mother–”
“Shut yo’ mouth!”
“I’m talkin’ ’bout Swamp Thing.”
“We can dig it.”
How long before comic covers, not just the solicitations, are all black or shadow people? They already went the generic cover route, and apparently even that isn’t good enough.
I couldn’t help but notice that Jonah Hex was higher on the MF cover than Swamp Thing was. And don’t go pulling that ‘alphabetical’ crap on me.
The Spirit made the MF list too (yay!) But it’s obviously comic book (or near equivalents, re Spirit) only, since otherwise, why isn’t POPEYE there? (I’m looking in the P area and I don’t think he’s just obscured). Also, Solomon Grundy! Not someone I would have thought to include, but there is logic in it.
Also, I briefly misread Nightwing (badposteriorness accepted) as “Night Man,” which increased my ire over lack of Popeye.
Mike, did you cut off a portion of that Kinky Nylons image? Seems like something very important’s missing, just off to the right … ;)
The only thing the Mad Hatter doll lacks to be completely horrifying is access to a set of stainless steel steak knives.
Swamp Thing– Now 250 issues strong!
Don’t forget to celebrate these, Mikester:
Swamp Thing (Alec Holland) turns 40 on August 10th.
Incredible Hulk (Bruce Banner) turns 50 on March 1st.
I’m pretty sure Marvel was originally going to call the X-Men the Chillax-men, but Stan Lee shortened it at the last minute when he realized the world wasn’t quite ready for the world “chillax” in the 1960s…
I do remember Guy Gardner or Kyle Rayner saying “Chillax, Parallax.” in Green Lantern back in the ’90s once. Hal Jordan wasn’t too happy about it.
I see Bully, the little Stuffed Bull made the list of MF.
(Yes, it’s probably Bullseye, but a man can dream, can’t he?)
That Iron Man neon sign looks NOTHING like an extremely buggy online scanlation site.
…Oh wait, you meant an ACTUAL fox as portrayed in Manga.
Swamp Thing #7 ? You mean #8…
You really aren’t reading any of the DCnU titles, are you?
Anon. – Yes, a typo made when I’m writing these things out at about midnight = not reading the new DC titles. You totally found me out.