Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ March 30th, 2012 § Filed under End of Civilization § 27 Comments

Usually I have a few words of introduction to my End of Civilization posts, but after looking at this cover for the April 2012 edition of Diamond Previews:

…all I have to say is this:

And now, we rejoin the End of Civilization, already in progress:

p. 66 – Marvel Classic Character Series 2 #1:

I don’t really have any specific to say about the statue itself…

…though admittedly “petulant little boy pout” is a brave choice of expression for a statue. However, I find myself curious about this:

“Hmmm…I was waiting for a good jumping-on point to start buying these statues! A new number one? I’M IN.”

p. 74 – Before Watchmen: Minutemen #1:

Look for the follow-up mini-series fIREHOSE in 2013!

p. 76 – Before Watchmen: Comedian #1:

I swear, the more I see this cover, the funnier it gets. Appropriate given that it’s the Comedian, but I’m not sure that was the intention. But man, just look at that, and imagine it staring back at you from the comic rack. …And into your unquiet dreams.

p. 132 – Superman Family Adventures #2:

If even the Tiny Titans guys have trouble making that Superman costume look appealing…well, I don’t know what to tell you.

p. 150 – Mars Attacks #1:

55 different covers? You’d probably have to go to 50 different stores to find them all!

Ah, but I kid. But I can imagine what the price guide listings for this are going to look like: “‘Destroying A Dog’ cover – $45.00. All other covers – cover price.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, the other fifty-five covers weren’t enough? You gotta ask about another one?”

p. 151 – Mars Attacks #1 Complete Comic Book Box Set:

And then there’s this…a complete set of all 55 covers, plus a bonus 56th cover only available in this set, for only $199.95. …I absolutely admire this in all its evil glory.

p. 166 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Vol. 1 – Change Is Constant Deluxe Edition:

Like that one time a big-time movie director decided to change the Ninja Turtles into aliens? That was pretty deluxe right there.

p. 236 – Richie Rich Gems: Treasures TP:

You know, up to a certain age, you kinda want to be Richie Rich and have access to all that cash and neat stuff, and past a certain age, you hope that the proletariat, as represented by Freckles and Pee Wee, rises up and drag Richie through the streets.

p. 256 – Soldier of Fortune Magazine Presents #1: Stealth:

1. No, it’s not about the not-evil-but-misunderstood robot plane.

2. Didn’t Soldier of Fortune magazine have, in the 1980s, a comic in the back pages with some scantily-clad gal explaining different types of military equipment and tactics? Where’s our collection of those strips?

2a. Don’t ask how I know about that.

3. Nothing to do with these comics, but I remember a classified ad in the back of an issue of SOF offering the services of “Jon Sable, Freelance.” …In-joke from the editors, or innovative marketing from First Comics? I’ll never know.

3a. Don’t ask why I was looking at the classified ads in Soldier of Fortune.

p. 279 – Dark Shadows #9:

“Another hilarious issue of Dark Shadows, a perfect jumping on point for fans of this year’s hit comedy sensation!”

p. 318 – Alien The Illustrated Story:

A reprint of the Heavy Metal adaptation of the film by Archie Goodwin and Walt Simonson…hopefully lacking the original’s “special feature” of the binding falling apart if you looked at it sideways.

p. 345 – The Amazing Spider-Man Kit:

Hmmm…having this tiny Spider-Man gives me an idea for my next short film:

“OW! A–a Spider-Man! It bit me! But why is it burning so? Why is it glowing that way?”


…I need a vacation.

p. 354 – Porn King The Autobiography of John C. Holmes SC:

…Which kind of begs the question about this shipping to comic book shops in the first place.

p. 371 – V for Vendetta “Accountable” Black T-shirt:

Fight back against The Man with this fully-licensed Warner Brothers product!

p. 383 – Universal Monsters Select Metaluna Mutant:

SON OF A…you mean, if I’d just waited, what, a decade and a half or so and not bought the Interocitor-less Metaluna Mutant action figure that was offered way back when, I could have had the Interocitor-laden Metaluna Mutant now being offered instead? Oh, the tragedy!

p. 384 – Walking Dead Mini-Mates Series 1:

Don’t have any joke or sarcastic comment here…just wanted to point out the mini-fig with its intestines hanging out. That’s…certainly something.

p. 391 – Mr. Potato Head The Wizard of Oz Collector’s Set:

Man, what the hell did the Cowardly Potato fall into? Was he following the Brown Brick Road? Were there no “Curb Your Little Dog Toto, Too?” signs? …Ew.

p. 391 – Battlestar Galactica Lt. Starbuck / Android Sister Action Figures:

No…it’s too terrible, too awful! Not an action figure of…that!

No, no, not of Dirk Benedict. I mean of this:

p. 406 – Star Trek Captain Kirk 1/4 Scale Statue:

Here’s a little something special for my pals Lene and Jungle Kitty over that the Shatner-centric Look at His Butt podcast:

There you go, ladies. Enjoy.

p. 407 – Star Wars Logray Mini-bust:

Wow, they’re sure starting early on the Johnny Depp merchandise for that new Lone Ranger movie.

p. 431 – The Avengers Movie Life-Size Stand-Ups:

Just as fully-dimensional as the characters in the film!

p. 435 – Star Trek The Next Generation Facepalm Magnet Set:

I bet the guy who first started this particular Internet image “meme” is really, really irritated right now. Perhaps even facepalming himself. …IRONY!

p. 442 – Monopoly The Godfather Collector’s Edition:

“Just when I thought I passed GO…they pull me back to JAIL.”

p. 442 – Phineas & Ferb Collector’s Edition:

Do not pass GO, do not…um, make some kind of reference to a TV show you’ve never seen. …Sorry, gang, I can’t watch everything.

p. 442 – Street Fighter Collector’s Edition:

Do not pass GO…in fact, just beat the holy living crap out of GO.

Marvel Previews p. 67 – Marvel Silver Surfer Sculpted Bottle Opener:

You know Galactus totally used the Silver Surfer for just this very task between eating planets:


“But, my master, I must surf the spaceways! I must fly amongst the stars, I must…oh, okay, fine.”


“…This is so degrading.”

27 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • odd parity says:

    I’ll help you out with the Phineas and Ferb Monopoly:

    “Excuse me, aren’t you boys a little young to be in jail?”

    “Yes. Yes, we are.”

  • Mike Z says:

    Does “life-sized” mean extra value for those who buy the Incredible Hulk Stand-Up?

    Also, I’m sad that Hawkeye’s actual costume now looks like the movie costume.

  • Dave-El says:

    And NOW, a NEW installment of something we like to call….Things That Sound Pornographic But Are Not:


    Thank you! This has been Things That Sound Pornographic But Are Not!

  • Joe S. Walker says:

    That Android Sister is the most constipated-looking thing I’ve ever seen.

  • John Platt says:

    That Silver Surfer Bottle Opener doesn’t look very ergonomic.

  • That’s a fine D. Boon reference there, boy.

  • David Barak says:

    I haven’t thought about fIREHOSE for a long time- thank you for the callback. What’s next, a Nomeansno special? Will it be of Government Issue? Or will we get to learn that the Comedian’s alias in Dallas was really Jello Biafra?

  • Snark Shark says:

    “Alien The Illustrated Story”

    I HAD that and it WAS faling apart at the spine!

    “Universal Monsters Select Metaluna Mutant”


  • philip says:

    I love the Android Sisters. Their collaborations with Bing Crosby are legendary.

    Sadly, as an adult, I still want what Richie Rich has.

    And I didn’t think I’d want an “Alien” comic, but anything Goodwin and Williamson did is gold in my book, falling apart or otherwise.

    Finally, the fact that the John Holmes book is not a hardcover just seems like a missed opportunity from a marketing perspective.

  • CW says:

    Shouldn’t Bizarro’s dialogue on the cover of Superman Family Adventures #2 be “Me am NOT here to NOT join family”?

    Oh, and “Phineas and Ferb” should be on your TV viewing list, Mike. Good stuff. :)

  • Sleestak says:

    After the surfer opens your beer he is all set for a cosmic fist bump

  • The main reason to watch Phineas and Ferb is for the Indiana Jones platypus. Also i kind of want that Silver Surfer bottle opener!

  • Bear says:

    So, wait, does this mean the first glimpse we’ve had of New 52 Bizarro’s costume is the Tiny Titans version.


  • Actually, the Tiny Titans version of the New 52 Superman outfit is as close to acceptable for me as it’s ever going to get.

    Phineas and Ferb Monopoly Reference #2: Do not pass GO, Do Not Take Over the Entire Tri-State Area!

  • Jaq says:

    I’m going to do my level best to work “AH, THAT HITS THE SPOT OF GALACTUS,” into the conversation at my next family dinner. My mom’s likely to clobber me, but it’ll be worth it.

  • Chazzbot says:

    Dear Mike Sterling,

    I love you.

  • Bully says:

    Hey, where’s Perry?

  • IvoryTower says:

    I had other stuff to say, but I got to the Silver Surfer bottle opener and just laughed far too hard for a straight minute. GG.

  • Pal Cully says:

    fIREHOSE !!! Whoda thunk I’d get a after-Minutemen blast here after listening to them today for the first time in years. Co-inkydink?…I think not.

  • Pal Cully says:

    P.S. Comedian needs a Dr. Blasphemy T-Shirt

  • There is nothing I do not love about basement-apartment dancing Rorshach!

    That was awesome.

    Oh, and I have a buddy who is TOTALLY getting the Surfer Bottle opener.

    Even if I didn’t buy one for him, he’d seek it out for himself.

    Thanks Mike, once again, for the glimpse of 3-months into the pop-cult future.


  • Chris T says:

    Worth the wait.

    Those Life-Size Stand-Ups are no doubt for Watcher’s friendly little get-togethers on the Blue Area of the Moon.

  • Michael says:

    I think the Black Widow life-size stand-up will be the most sought after item….

  • Anonymous says:

    So to defeat the Comedian, you just have to zip his mouth shut. Or toss him out a window. Whatever floats your boat.


  • inhumans99 says:

    I am totally getting the Silver Surfer bottle opener. Mike, other than the initial APE Entertainment 4-issue Richie Rich mini (which I have, and finally got around to reading), have any other issues actually hit the comic book racks?

  • Mikester says:

    inhumans99 – The new Richie Rich Gems just came out this week!

  • thatswhatshesaid says: