Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ October 6th, 2011 § Filed under End of Civilization § 15 Comments

It’s that time once again, when I flip through the new Diamond Previews and pick out and poke at those new goodies that catch my attention. And if you want to follow along, grab your copy of the October 2011 edition and…um, follow along, I suppose!

p. 131 – Hellblazer Annual #1:

Finally! At long last, a Hellblazer annual! I’ve been waiting so long for the Hellblazer series to be given a chance to shine in a special extra-length adventure! And by “waiting so long” I mean “the twenty years since the last Hellblazer Annual #1.”

p. 138 – Superman Patina Mini Statue:

This just reminds me that, aside from movie tie-in merchandise, we’re probably not going to see a whole lot of licensing with Superman in the new shortsless get-up.

p. 139 – Just-Us-League of Stupid Heroes Series 1 Action Figures:

Huh. These are supposed to be parody figures, but they didn’t change Aquaman at all.

p. 145 – Snake Eyes #8:

With a special photo-cover featuring an exclusive look at a scene from the next G.I. Joe movie! Or pics of G.I. Joe action figures. Same diff.

p. 223 – Evil Spock T-Shirt:

I think they misspelled “Sexy.”

p. 229 – Archie #627 Archie Meets KISS Part 1:

I hope this leads into future storylines where the Archie gang meets other musical acts. “Archie Meets G.G. Allin” is the one I look forward to the most, I think. …Don’t use G.G.’s microphone, Reggie!

p. 266 – Lord of the Jungle #1:

“For the first time in its 100 year history the classic Edgar Rice Burroughs story, Tarzan of the Apes is told UNCENSORED!”

“First time,” eh? AHEM. I beg to differ:

p. 337 – 1000 Ways to Die TPB:

Mostly, I’m just amazed there’s a comic book version of this TV show. I think they missed a bet, though, in not focusing on the many ways comic book characters die. …Would have had the Ted Kord Blue Beetle fans interested, at least.

p. 341 – The DC Superhero Chess Figure Collector Magazine:

The characters from Checkmate are going to be featured in this series eventually, aren’t they?

p. 345 – If You Give A Kid A Cookie, Will He Shut the F*** Up? HC:

So is making faux-kids’ books with profanities in the title the new fad now? Charlotte’s F***ing Web? Harry Potter and the Chamber of S**t? What the C*** Did I See on Mulberry Street? From the F***ed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler?

Anyway, as literary fads go, it’s better than zombies. Unless they mix those in, too. It’s Motherf***ing Zombies, Charlie Brown!

p. 345 – Bugf#ck The Worthless Wit & Wisdom of Harlan Ellison:

And here’s another faux-kids’ bo…oh, wait, hold on. The “f#ck” threw me off.

p. 357 – Splitscream T-Shirt:


p. 364 – The Punisher Jakes Knit Cap:

Just imagine if this was the Punisher’s identifying clothing, instead of the skull shirt. I don’t know if that would be hilarious or somehow even more terrifying.

p. 368 – Ghostbusters Terror Dog Light-Up Mini Statue:

So is this Sigourney Weaver, or is this Rick Moranis? …Somewhere, a Ghostbusters fan is worrying about this. Or, uh, just buying two of them, I guess.

p. 370 – Femme Fatales Bo Peep PVC Statue:

According to the solicit, the statue “re-imagines the demure shepherdess as a fierce highlands warrior with wolfskin boots and gauntlets and a shepherd’s crook that will take your head off.” …”Re-imagines” seems like understating it just slightly.

p. 382 – Mr. Potato Head Kiss 2011 Collector Set:

So when do these guys team up with Archie? Also, how different is this set from ones in previous years? Is the 1983 Collector Set sans makeup? …Or you can just take off the makeup pieces, maybe.

p. 398 – Disney Pirates of the Caribbean Captain Jack Sparrow Mickey Vinyl Collector Doll:

I am upsetting myself by picturing Mickey in the place of Johnny Depp in all the Pirates films, so I’m stopping now.

p. 399 – Doctor Who Eleventh Doctor with Cowboy Hat Figure:

Has the Doctor shown up in a sombrero yet? I’d buy a Doctor Who Eleventh Doctor with Sombrero figure.

p. 410 – Mixo DC Heroes Kooky Kans:

Apparently these are like cylindrical lunch boxes, or…something, I guess? But I swear, when I first glanced at the picture, I thought it was superhero-themed deodorant cans. Too bad…that’d probably do well at conventions.

p. 411 – Superman and Supergirl Emblem Pendants:

The Supergirl emblem’s solicitation text states that Supergirl “wears a distinctive version of the House of El’s sigil.” And by “distinctive” they mean “perhaps…slightly more pinkish, maybe?” Or “more glare in the photo?”

p. 411 – DC Comics Pint Glasses:

“Superman Pick-Up Lines” is about as fundamental misunderstanding of the character as…well, this. And let’s face it, “wanna come to my Batcave” just plain crosses the line from “subtext” to full-on “text.”

p. 418 – Star Trek Mighty Wallets:

So here I was, all ready to make a joke about “they don’t use money in Star Trek‘s future, hurr hurr,” but Previews totally beats me to it in the actual solicitation text. …Well played, Previews, well played. You have won this battle.

p. 418 – Star Wars Imperial Forces Wallpaper:

In case you needed something to finish off the nursery, along with the TIE fighter mobile, the R2-D2-shaped milk bottle, and the furry Ewok diapers. My best to you, your spouse, and, of course, baby Lobot.

p. 418 – Star Wars Wacky Wisecracks Figures:

…And there was no forgiveness, not ever again.

15 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Derooftrouser says:

    Boba Fett is a private contractor. He doesn’t count as ‘Imperial forces’.

    While it’s nice to see the Snowtrooper getting some respect, what about Scout troopers, TIE pilots and AT-AT drivers, eh?

    I think I’ll stick to plastering my bedroom with paper plates so it looks like the inside of the TARDIS, thank you very much.

  • Mike Z says:

    Cap laughs and laughs as Thor loses a “How to Eat Fried Worms” bet.

  • ExistentialMan says:

    Punisher in the Jakes Knit Cap would definitely be more terrifying.

    Obviously, Cap and Thor are screaming because their spines have been fused together.

    Me: “So, would you like a drink?”
    Her: “Sure, a rum and Coke sounds great.”
    Me: “Coming right up!” (as I mix some Captain Morgan and Diet Coke in my ‘Wanna Come to my Batcave’ glass)
    Me: “Here you go.”
    Her: “Uh, you know what, I just remembered I have to hurry back home to finish my “Bugf*ck” book by Harlan Ellison. See ya’.”

  • SM says:

    These are my favourite posts of yours.

  • Dex says:

    “I thought it was superhero-themed deodorant cans. Too bad…that’d probably do well at conventions.”

    By do well, I can only presume you mean sell well. They would never be used…or opened for that matter.

    Let me know when they do an Archie/ICP crossover.

  • Cole Moore Odell says:

    When I saw those “Kooky Kans” all I could think about was CRAZY FOAM

  • Mike Nielsen says:

    Is it wrong that I’d buy “It’s Motherf***ing Zombies, Charlie Brown!”?

  • Old Bull Lee says:

    The open mouths on that Thor/Cap shirt need the vintage 90s saliva lines drawn in.

  • CW says:

    Never thought I’d ever see a GG Allin reference on this blog. Well played, Mike. ;)

  • Donald G says:

    “Mike Nesmith IS the Punisher.”

  • GE says:

    I appreciate the unusual show of integrity exhibited in the decision to not put a smile on the Batman Kooky Kan. It’s a shade less Kooky, and a shade more gritty Frank Miller Dark Knight.

  • Mr. A says:

    It would be especially terrifying if the knit cap was his costume in its entirety.

  • philip says:

    I appreciate your point about DC licensed merchandise vs. the Redesign. Yet another head-scratcher related to the whole thing.

  • Steven E. McDonald says:

    You da man on the front lines, Mikester, but I think you may be wrong about the lack of Nuperman merchandise — at least when it comes to DC Direct. I think we’ll see examples before too long, both of the Action version, and the later shortless version. Expect every effort to keep the DCnu stuff alive and kicking and bringing in cash.

    I was rather delighted to see Huntress’ costume reverted to something practical in the first issue of the miniseries. Also, no radical changes to the character that make her vapid and stupid…just a slight mystery about her actual identity (there’s been hints that this is Earth 2, and that they’ve reverted her to being Bruce Wayne’s daughter.)

    That Bo Peep figure? Highland Warrior? In that little bit of an outfit? So dead of exposure on the first night out?

    I think I should write a kid’s book called Tarzan’s Hairy Arse.

  • Ed says:

    Paul Stanley INSISTED that he be played only by Veronica.