Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ November 4th, 2011 § Filed under End of Civilization § 17 Comments

Don’t be afraid, boys and ghouls…it’s only me, your old pal the Ruin Keeper, with a scary look into the forbidden tome of Diamond Previews, the…um, the November 2011 edition. …Ah, heck, Halloween’s over, isn’t it? Rats. I suppose it’s still a frightening time for turkeys, but that’s not quite the same, really. Anyway, follow along in your own copy of Previews…if you DARE. Ah HA HA HA HA! (cough)

p. 61 – Marvel Classic Character Fantastic Four #3 – Human Torch:

“Please enjoy my fully-enclosing corduroy body suit with back-flares…ladies.”

p. 120 – DC Comics Presents the New 52 #1:

Oh, no, DC…please, put out another reprint of Swamp Thing #1. I’m not so weak that I’ll keep picking ’em up as you dash ’em out, not at all.

p. 123 – Power Girl: Old Friends TP:

Okay, between my initial misinterpretation with the last one, and the title of this one, I’m having real difficulty not reading the titles of these Power Girl trades as euphemisms for her breasts. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person, I’m sorry.

p. 147 – Cobra Annual 2012: The Origin of Cobra Commander:

The image had to be classified, else Cobra Commander’s secret obsession with his Kermit the Frog and chicken handpuppets would stand revealed.

p. 160 – Star Trek #5 contest:

In short, the winner of the contest (who would write in explaining which retailer s/he’d take a phaser shot for) would get to be “red shirt” on this cover here, while the retailer would be the commanding officer in the background getting saved by the customer’s sacrifice.

Pretty sure my customers wouldn’t take a phaser shot for me. They know I sold pogs, after all…they’d probably gang up and throw me to the Romulans.

p. 219 – Keep on Troopin’ T-Shirt:

Now I’m picturing Mr. Natural fighting Darth Vader in a lightsaber duel. Somewhere, Robert Crumb sheds a single tear.

p. 219 – Nazi Zombies #1:

p. 334 – X-Men “Don’t Trouble Us” Gold Preview Exclusive T-Shirt:

Actually, I think I’d rather have that “Classic Mutants” logo whipped up for this solicitation on a shirt.

p. 348-9 – Marvel Minimates Series 43 Mini-Figure 2-Packs:

I can’t help but feel this slightly undermines the gravitas of the original story.

p. 352 – Canman X 8-Inch Vinyl Figures:

This will go well with my series of Graffiti Cleaning Team action figures.

p. 366 – Pocahontas 1/4-Scale Statue:

“This 19″ tall statue […] complete with a magnetic removeable top….”

Finally, a way to get kids interested in history again…statuettes of famous folks with magnetic removable tops! Marie Curie, Florence Nightingale, Teddy Roosevelt…the possibilities are endless.

p. 371 – Steampunk Multi-Gear Necklace & Earrings:

Ah, yes, from the “That One Drawer in Dad’s Old Toolbox out in The Garage” Collection.

p. 380 – Disney X Roen Collection: Grunge Rock Mickey Vinyl Collector Doll:

Son of a gun! All apologies for this joke, but does it come in a heart-shaped box? This kind of thing gives me an aneurysm. It just drains you. You know? Even a sliver of this stuff is just too much. Just stay away with that crap.

I — you know what, nevermind.

p. 386 – Star Wars Darth Vader CD Boombox:

I kind of want this, though it disturbs me to think about a Darth Vader that could flip back the top of his head to yank out compact discs (or remove discs from other parts of his body) to throw at people, sorta like CD Head from Hellraiser 3:

p. 397 – Kick Ass Coffee Mugs:

As previously featured in End of Civilization, the Kick Ass mugs have apparently been delayed from their original solicitation and are being offered again. Without, however, the “It’s ******** Clobbering Time!” mug, which perhaps caused Marvel to have a word or two with the Kick Ass licensing folks.

The “You Are A ******* P**SY” mug does seem to be a bit confrontational. And is it supposed to be, y’know, aimed at other people in the office, telling them that they are the “******* P**S[S*ES]” in question, or is it some kind of reverse-psychology motivator for the owner of the mug, telling him to man up and finally tell that j*ck*ff in Accounting what he really thinks of him? Who can say. Who can truly ******* say.

p. 399 – The Smurfs Tynies Glass Figurines:

Each one only one inch (or two half-inch apples) tall (even Gargamel)…now look even more like hideous grubs that will burrow under your skin and feed off your blood. AAAA SMURFS ALL OVER ME GET THEM OFF

p. 410 – Cthulhu Tentacle Plush:

NOT A SEX TOY…ah, who am I kidding. Totally a sex toy.

p. 410 – Monopoly Futurama Collector’s Edition Board Game:

Do not pass GO, do bite my shiny metal…oh, wait, there’s a “bite my shiny metal ass” gag in the actual solicitation. Ah, this time, you have the upper hand, Diamond Previews, but things will be different when next we meet. Oh yes.

p. 410 – Monopoly Star Trek Klingon Collector’s Edition Board Game:

Do not pass Sto-vo-kor, do not ‘ay’vamDaq nuHmey tIQeq.

p. 414 – Grant Morrison Talking with Gods Special Edition DVD:

“…Includes over 3 and a half hours of new material, including […] Grant teaching viewers how to summon the News Gods at home.”

Presumably that’s a typo, and they meant “New Gods,” unless Grant’s actually presenting his elaborate masturbation-magick ritual to summon the spirit of Walter Cronkite, and I’m not sure the world is quite ready for that.

Marvel Previews p. 63 – Wolverine #300:

Ah, hell, let’s just put any ol’ number on the comics now. Not like anyone’s gonna be able to figure this all out a century from now anyway…if anyone’s still going to care. Or, heck, let’s just do away with issue numbers entirely. We can just go by dates. It’s good enough for Newsweek (though it could be a bit embarrassing if there’s another one of these situations).

Special thanks to Shane Bailey and Benjamin Birdie for the Grunge Mickey joke.

17 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • ExistentialMan says:

    Wow. Just wow. I never this level of quality from a man who, just yesterday, was on his deathbed.

    Oh, and I’d totally take a phaser hit for you. Of course, I’d be wearing a chainmail POG vest under my red shirt.

  • bl000 says:

    What’s so grunge about the Mickey statue? It’s not like he’s wearing flannel or anything. And how long till a “Taste the Dick of Evil” Kick-Ass coffee mug is offered? Stay classy, Previews.

  • John says:

    Teddy Roosevelt doesn’t need a magnetic top. His tops fly off at his command.

  • Bear says:

    Totally worth waiting for.

    Magnetic top, guys. MAGNETIC TOP. Statues have achieved perfection.

  • Lawrence Fechtenberger says:

    Back in the 1970s, one could buy a poster–perhaps there was a T-shirt as well–that depicted Mr. Spock in the “trucking” pose, with the legend “Keep on Trekkin’.”

    The marvel is that it took nearly 35 for someone to come up with a “Star Wars” version.

  • Roger Green says:

    Re Power Girl, you’re NOT a terrible person.
    Or we’re BOTH terrible people, which, I suppose, is possible.

  • CW says:

    My three favorite words in the English language: magnetic removable top. ;)

  • g23 says:

    I’m trying to decide if the Wolverine on that cover is poorly drawn or poorly colored. “Poor” is the adjective that shoots into my mind, however.

  • philip says:

    I did a search for “Pocahontas” because I was curious to see what the actual Pocahontas looked like (figuring she did not look like a Hooters waitress) and I came across an image of the above statue WITHOUT her magnetic removable top and now I just feel sad and weird and I want to go home and apologize to my family. “Old Friends” indeed.

  • Adam Farrar says:

    Since she was 12 or 13 when she “saved” John Smith, I’d be willing to bet Pocahontas did not look like this. If the line continues and we do get Florence and the rest, they’ll probably look like this too.

  • Casie says:

    Hee he. I keep seeing Cobra Commander as a puppeteer which is awesome! You’re amazing Mike! So very funny & gifted!

  • Old Bull Lee says:

    I usually like to chime in with my own joke on an item or two, but your cleverness has stunned me into silence this time. Well done, Mr. Sterling.

  • Frowny says:

    Gravitas be damned-that Tiny J Jonah comes with a tiny Daily Bugle. And that’s more important than your precious gravitas. (Also, I started on series 8. 43. Damn.)

  • Jaq says:

    The problem with the Kick Ass coffee cups for me (beyond the existence of such things, of course) was that my eye sight has reached the point that I looked at the first one and spent twenty seconds trying to figure out what YOU AREA P**SY was supposed to mean.

    Maybe it’s time I get some reading glasses.

  • Jon H says:

    “What’s so grunge about the Mickey statue? It’s not like he’s wearing flannel or anything.”

    Yeah, it reminded me more of the Buggles.

  • Mike Loughlin says:

    Weirdly enough, grunge Mickey kind of sort of resembles Kurt Cobain to me.

    There’s something in the way it looks. I know that’s dumb, and now I hate myself and I want to die by drinking pennyroyal tea.

  • Robert in New Orleans says:

    Nobody’s said it yet, but the mickey figure is grunge because he’s wearing the same style white sunglasses that Kurt Cobain made “famous.”