Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Is there any better time to end civilization than at the end of the year? I think not, sir and/or madam. Please grab your copy of the latest Diamond Previews (Jan 2011) and let’s say goodbye to 2010 the best way we possibly can: by making bad jokes about silly stuff in a catalog:
p. 19 – DC Comics Top Secret Free Comic Book Day 2011 Edition:
Oh boy, I can’t wait for this 16-page long FCBD preview of DC’s forthcoming Batman and/or Superman and/or DC Universe-centric line-wide epic crossover, with some sketchbook/editorial material and plenty of house ads!
p. 24 – DC Heroclix: Green Lantern Figure:
Crud, I already did the cucumber joke. “BEWARE MY CACTUS OF JUSTICE!” …No, no, that doesn’t work…. I’ll think of something.
p. 25 – FCBD 2011 Silver Wrist Band:
NOTICE: FCBD 2011 Silver Wrist Bands do not improve your strength, balance, or flexibility, and there is no credible scientific evidence to support such claims.
(In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about.)
p. 63 – Toy Story Woody’s Roundup #2 – Bullseye:
Hmm. A limited edition collectors’ figurine based on a character whose first appearance was in a film which contained explicit criticism of the collectors’ mentality. …I’m so confused.
p. 141 – Ame-Comi Heroine Series Wonder Woman V3 PVC Figurine:
I would give One American Dollar for this to be the costume in whatever live-action version of Wonder Woman ends up happening.
p. 249 – Female Force: Ruth Handler, The Creator of Barbie:
Mattel generally has a pretty good sense of humor about how other people use the Barbie property. I foresee no problems with this.
p. 266 – Warlord of Mars: Dejah Thoris #1:
Well, thank goodness they’re offering a “risque cover” variant:
As opposed to this totally non-risque one:
p. 297 – The Hardy Boys The New Case Files Volume 2: Break-Up! SC:
Break up? I didn’t even know they were going out.
p. 336 – The Comics: The Complete Collection HC:
Contains every single comic ever published between these two covers. All of them. What part of “Complete” are you having trouble understanding?
NOTE: Portions of Drabble have been omitted for space considerations.
p. 339 – Creating Comics from Start to Finish:
“First, get a tiny woman with large breasts and no legs to sit on your art board.”
p. 362 – Barbie Dolls of the World: Australia Landmark Doll:
It’s a dress based on the Sydney Opera House. Yes, really. I’m waiting for a dress based on this.
p. 368 – Spongebob Squarepants Trexi 3-Inch Vinyl Figure:
THE FOUR STAGES OF IMMINENT BATHROOM ACCIDENT:
DESPAIR
PANIC
ACCEPTANCE
REGRET
(PLEASE NOTE: While I’ve seen some Spongebob Squarepants, I’ve not seen them all, but I’ve seen enough to realize that I could very well be describing something that actually happened in an episode. I have no idea.)
p. 372- Hello Kitty World: Cruise Ship Playset:
Why, this doesn’t look seaworthy at all.
“The sinking of the Hello Kitty World Cruise Ship has been confirmed. All kitties reported lost.”
p. 386 – Giant Tyrannosaurus Model Kit:
Pretty sure this is a reissue of the Tyrannosaurus model kit I had as a kid. The thing had glow in the dark eyes and teeth, man. It was awesome. I’m guessing my parents paid far less for it in the 1970s than the $80 price tag it carries now.
p. 394 – Disney X Medicom Alice in Wonderland – Mad Hatter Mickey Vinyl Collector Doll:
So they decided against Mickey changing appearance (i.e. becoming “Evil Mickey”) in the Epic Mickey video game…and yet, this is happening:
Just as long as we never see Mickey do this.
BONUS – Solicitation text contains the following sentence:
“Mickey Mouse has truly gone gonzo.”
I look forward to reading a collection of Mickey’s journalistic endeavors.
p. 404 – Pop! Heroes: Batgirl Vinyl Figure:
“OH GOD WHY DID YOU TAKE MY EYES, WHY”
p. 405 – Star Wars Darth Vader 20-oz. Ceramic Mug:
“Join Us Or Die!” is a pretty heavy message to hit someone with first thing in the morning, when they’re trying to have their first cup of coffee of the day. Just, you know, ease ’em into it. “Join Us…and Just Relax, Man. Enjoy Your Cuppa Joe.”
Marvel Previews p. 1 – Venom #1:
Hmm…”his first ongoing series!” That’s strange, it seems to me there was something prior to this. Lemme think here….
Marvel Previews p. 97 – Venom by Daniel Way Ultimate Collection TPB:
Oh, right, this series!
Unless it was advertised as an 18-issue mini-series, which, admittedly, I may have missed.
That anime Wonder Woman is more fully covered than “Star Sapphire-Wonder Woman” or really, non JMS Wonder Woman.
When did the Hardy Boys turn into Ken & Ryu from Street Fighter?
“First, get a tiny woman with large breasts and no legs to sit on your art board.” Love to see that quote out of context somewhere. Or probably have.
Really, if your Warlords of Mars cover ISN’T risque, you’re doing it wrong.
Are the Hardy Boys anime ninjas now? They’re wearing the color-coded sleeveless gi. PREPARE FOR MY FINGERPRINT IDENTIFICATION ATTACK!
Mike Z stole my joke. Oh well. I’m looking forward to having the Hardy Boys shouryuken each other.
And there was an episode of Spongebob where he splits his pants, and even sings a funny 50’s style song about it, but I see no evidence of any split pants on this figure.
While scanning this quickly, I thought I saw “Rich Handley, Creator of Barbie.” So you can imagine my disappointment when I realized it said, “Ruth Handler, Creator of Barbie.” I thought I’d somehow created Barbie, several years (nine, to be exact–thanks, Wikipedia) before I was even born.
Why has Batgirl been given a beard that covers her entire face in that picture?
I actually like Ame-Comi Wonder Woman’s costume. :)
This is more disturbing than Mad Hatter Mickey: http://www.entertainmentearth.com/prodinfo.asp?number=AMWDNT96A
Is it my imagination, or do the boots and shoulder pads on that Wonder Woman statue remind anyone else of Judge Dread?
Extra-acerbic this time! Well done. I would like to match your offer on the WW costume. Are you listening Warner Brothers?!?
“First, get a tiny woman with large breasts and no legs to sit on your art board.”
I’m sure if that actually happened, you’d never get a chance to actually DRAW the comic you wanted to do, since she’d be distracting you all the time.
“Contains every single comic ever published between these two covers. All of them. What part of “Complete” are you having trouble understanding?”
I think it just lists all the relevant autobiographical notes of the most noteworthy comics over the last century. What’s remarkable about this encyclopedia is that is also mentions several otherwise obscure titles in other countries as well, not just U.S. titles. The alternative being a truly impressive collection of EVERY comic in the world, with a binding that would cross several continents, making stacking multiple copies at the bookstore rather difficult.
The omission of Drabble would not be considered a lost cause.
“Mickey Mouse has truly gone gonzo.”
As opposed to GodHand Mickey with only Berserker Donald to oppose him? Let’s see Kingdom Hearts take THIS trope where Epic Mickey won’t.
http://svg.kyon.pl/img/9311.html
“Oh, right, THIS (Venom) series!”
That’s one looooooooooong tongue there. What possible practical purpose could it serve there, other than to lick under his armpits? Both of them at once apparently?
What? No mention of the “Justin Beaver” comic??? :p (I guess that makes fun of itself)
I clicked the link for “The World’s Ugliest Building” re: the Australian Barbie.
It’s Yogi Bear’s wet dream!
maybe they mean that the new venom series is about the guy who used to be the scorpion? and is now venom?