Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ June 24th, 2010 § Filed under End of Civilization § 15 Comments

Welcome, everyone, to the ONE BILLIONTH entry in the End of Civilization series! …Well, okay, I rounded up slightly, but boy howdy, I have been doing these a while. Anyway, here we go again…grab your copy of Diamond Previews, July 2010 edition, or download your space-age digital copy to your iDroid/ApplePad3000 thingie, and let’s go! (Also, I cut the thalidomide joke…consider yourself lucky.)

p. 135 – Batman Arkham Asylum Series 2 Action Figures:

Oh, sure, I really want this staring back at me:

Though looking at the figures, here…they’re basically making Batman and Robin movie figures, aren’t they?

p. 152 – Star Trek Captain’s Log: Pike One-Shot:

I really hope this is just a single shot of Pike in his chair staring at you, repeated for 23 pages. Maybe the light on the front of his space-wheelchair can be lit or unlit on different pages.

p. 193 – Spawn #207:

Just a reminder that the Spawn comic is still hangin’ in there. Yeah, I’m amazed, too.

p. 210 – Marvel Minimates Series 37 Mini-Figure 2-Packs:

Okay, the six-armed Spider-Man Minimate is an abomination before God and nature:

…but Incognito Thing is ten kinds of awesome:

p. 222 – Duncan the Wonder Dog Volume 1: Show One:

I think Rex the Wonder Dog might have a word or two about this:

p. 232 – Archie Marries… Slipcased HC:

Hey, remember that one time everyone thought something was going to happen in Archie and it turned out it really didn’t? Here’s your chance to remember it forever!

p. 350 – DC Comics Year by Year A Visual Chronicle HC (with Slipcase):

1934 – 1970: Nothing much of importance happens.

1971: Swamp Thing introduced.

p. 350 – The DC Comics Superhero Collection Magazine:

“Hey! Hey, you, DC Comics! Stop getting rid of all your non-white characters!”

“Whoa whoa whoa, don’t blame me, man! Some of my best friends come from the interdimensional island of Marzal!”

p. 352 – Final Crisis The Novel:

Phew! At last, a clear, plain novelization of Grant Morrison’s epic mini-series which will explain everything, since apparently “powerful beings invade the Earth and cause mayhem” is a plot of nigh-Joycean proportions.

p. 354 – Stan Lee’s How to Draw Comics Limited Edition HC:

“Face front, true believers! I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler and a straight-line drawing machine, which is why I hired artists to draw my comics! If you can’t draw, you should hire artists, too! Excelsior!”

p. 354 – Disneystrology HC:

“Disneystrology combines astrology, numerology, and the magic of movies to help readers understand their own personalities.”

How can so much hard science be contained in only 48 pages?

p. 358 – The Snuggie Sutra TP:

“POSITION 32: Just take the damned thing off. I mean, c’mon, seriously, what’re you thinking?”

p. 361 – Reefer Movie Madness: The Ultimate Stoner Film Guide SC:

“WARNING: Readers may be really, really hungry after reading this book.”

p. 364 – Star Wars Millennium Falcon 3-D Owner’s Guide HC:

“Includes technical notes from Han Solo….”

I don’t know that Han Solo would be all that big on “technical notes.” “If it doesn’t work, hit it with your space-wrench. Or get your Wookiee pal to fix it.”

p. 374 – The Demon T-Shirt:

Will delight 1 out of 20 people you encounter who are also Jack Kirby fans. The other 19 will simply assume you worship Satan.

p. 381 – Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Deluxe Sweater:

Okay, they’re just selling the sweater in this particular solicitation, but they could have tried a little harder on the actual mask. Looks like a background alien from Babylon 5.

p. 383 – Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter Prestige Costume:

Man, what the hell happened to Carrottop?

p. 400 – Living Dead Dolls Presents Freddy Kreuger Classic 10-Inch Figure:

Oh, c’mon, how many victims is he realistically going to slash to death with those wee little nubbins of arms?

p. 407 – Star Wars Flying Millennium Falcon R/C Vehicle:

At first glance, as I was skimming the catalog, I thought this was some kind of hat, or visor. I’d bet Employee Aaron’s salary that such a thing actually does exist.

p. 407 – Toy Story 3 Mr. Potato Head as Buzz Lightyear:

“OH MY GOD he’s killed and skinned Buzz and he’s (choke) wearing him!”

p. 411 – Return to Wonderland Alice Statue:

“Why, you sneaky little phallic symbol, coming up behind me like that, you rascal!”

p. 431 – Toy Story Kubricks:

Why, these are kind of cute and neat-looking…nice translations of the screen characters in Kubrick form. …Hmm, and what’s this….

p. 431 – Toy Story 3 Buzz & Woody Be@rbrick:

oh no why would anyone do this

p. 435 – Farts in a Can Sound F/X Toy:



“Ha ha! Mike, you scamp, you have one of those Farts in a Can toys, don’t you?”

“A what in a can?”


p. 437 – Cthulhu Plush Cell Phone Holder:

“Hello? Hello? Are the stars right now?”

p. 437 – Zombie Fragrance Oil:

“For a zombie in a state of decay, they need Zombie Fragrance Oil. Liberally apply this scent, and combat that lingering odor of decay to entire the comely young undead thing that has caught your fancy.”

I don’t even know where to start on this.

p. 439 – Superman Returns Desk Clock/Paperweight:

Wow, somebody still has some old Superman Returns stock left over.

p. 441 – Zodiac Smurf Figures:

JOKE #1: Newspaper Editor Smurf keeps getting letters from an anonymous suspect who claims “I’m going to smurf again!”

JOKE #2: James Randi Smurf has totally debunked this astrosmurfology nonsense. These Smurfs should be ashamed of themselves.

p. 453 – Back to the Future The Card Game:

“Oh, man…I drew the ‘Your Mom Hits on You’ card. I’m feeling very uncomfortable.”

p. 458 – DC Heroclix Jonah Hex Battle Pack:

Made from recycled Jonah Hex movie filmstock!

Marvel Previews p. 77 – Wolverine #1:

Well, yes, I guess…but if you need more Wolverine-style action, there’s the Wolverine: The Road to Hell one-shot, the new Daken: Dark Wolverine ongoing series, the ongoing X-23 spin-off character, there’s Wolverine’s appearance in X-Force, and he’s prominently featured in the Avengers: The Children’s Crusade ad, and there he is as the feature character in New Avengers #4, and oh, look, there he is in Spider-Man/Fantastic Four #3, and Astonishing X-Men #4, oh, and Astonishing Spider-Man and Wolverine #1 Director’s Cut, and there’s his origin in Origins of Marvel Comics: X-Men #1, and I can see him there in X-Men #3, and there’s a little tiny pic of him on the cover of X-Men: Curse of the Mutants – X-Men Vs. Vampires #1, and he might be in Avengers #5 or some of the other X-titles, but I’m not seeing him in the ads, but you know, maybe, if we’re lucky, Wolvie might in those titles, too. So thank goodness, we’ll hopefully have sufficient Wolverine content in the months to come!

Marvel Previews p. 88 – Kick-Ass 2: Balls to the Wall #1:

Available in August…and then sporadically thereafter!

15 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Thwacko says:

    You ALWAYS make my day with these. Never stop!

  • BAH!

    DOOM takes offense at your mocking of the SNUGGIE-SUTRA!

    I mean, hiding behind a mask might help but with a scarred bod like mine, a full-on SNUGGIE-cloak is a BIG help in the sexxin-it-up department!

    For proof of my love of the SNUGGIE see this (entry # 2 in the “And Now a Word From DOOM!” series):

    oops… er…

  • John McKeon says:

    I am all over that Demon t-shirt. Added bonus, it will annoy the hell out of my wife.

  • Great cover on that “Reefer Madness” book.

  • So when will we see the SMURF-SUTRA book?

  • Farts In A Can, huh?

    For the MSRP in the July Previews, you could probably get a dozen cans of Bush’s Baked Beans.

    Maybe a case.

  • Justin Martin says:

    Those Batman figures are based on the models from Batman: Arkham Asylum video game, as far as I can tell.

  • Jack says:

    “Phew! At last, a clear, plain novelization of Grant Morrison’s epic mini-series which will explain everything, since apparently “powerful beings invade the Earth and cause mayhem” is a plot of nigh-Joycean proportions.”

    *thumbs up*

  • SKiNSLiP says:

    That is so typical of Wizkids. “Hey, there is a movie based on a comic book coming out. We should do something… I know lets release it after the movie has flopped and the hype has died down.”

    It’s one of the reasons Wizkids went the way of the dodo the first time.

    Oh, and I am all over that Demon shirt. And, well, that Cthulhu cellphone holder. And, um, my wife wants the Toy Story Kubricks and I want the Mini Mates.

    This is why I moved to Simi…

  • ExistentialMan says:

    Is Incognito Thing wearing anything under that trenchcoat?

  • The solicitation for the MiniMates says the Thing-in-trenchcoat is part of “the specialty exclusive two pack”. What does that mean? (In other words, where the heck do I go to buy one?)

  • Chris K says:

    Your Tyroc joke cracked me up, Mike! Well played…

  • Rocco says:

    @SKiNSLiP The thing about Wizkids and DC Comics movies is that Warner Brothers generally mandates they make at least one figure based specifically on the movie version of the character. The dial designer at the time went into detail with me once about how Halle Berry Catwoman was mandated. He basically asked, okay.. Well I know nothing about the character, what should her powers be? They gave him a brief description very close to the release of the movie (WB had been considering canning it due to poor reception in pre-screening.). So the figure was released after the movie had already tanked horribly. I’m sure similar confusion between the two companies is behind The Watchmen and Jonah Hex figures being released so late as well.

    That said, I don’t think there were any movie exclusive characters other then the three I mentioned. They released new versions of Elektra and Daredevil in every Marvel Expansion for like 2 years because of their movies. They repackaged an older version of the Hulk when the first Hulk movie rolled out, and placed Iron-man in a few sets to coincide with his movies. Batman, Spider-man, Superman, and Wolverine are in virtually every Heroclix expansion anyway. I could go into many more valid reasons for why Wizkids had financial problems.

  • random surfer says:

    The Freddy Kruger sweater totally looks like Michael Jackson.

    Too soon?

  • Rob says:

    The “Cthulhu Plush Cell Phone Holder” looks like Jamie from MythBusters.