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A new year is upon is, and so is a new Diamond Previews catalog, both full of dreams, hopes, and wonders. Well, the new year is, anyway…the Previews is filled with the same ol’ stuff you’ve come to expect. Grab your copy of the January 2014 edition and follow along…and I’m just going to go ahead and apologize both to Wonder Woman fans and my Irish ancestry right here.
p. 140 – Black Canary and Zatanna: Bloodspell:
DC, seriously, you can have the name
Fishnets Ahoy! Royalty-free! I don’t care! C’MON.
p. 152 – Scooby-Doo Team-Up #3:
“…Can even Batman, Robin, and Mystery Inc. outwit two unpredictable imps to deal with the spooky, magical hijinks of…Scooby-Mite?”
Gang, I think we’re finally getting the origin of Scrappy-Doo we’ve all been waiting for.
p. 168 – Batman Arkham City Rabbit Hole Batman Action Figure:
Well, sure, we can always use new Batman fig…
…AAAAAH
p. 168 – 1:1 Scale White Power Battery & Ring Prop Replica:
Well, at least someone somewhere has learned something about “placement of line breaks” in the several years since
this solicit ran:
p. 182 – The X-Files Conspiracy: The Crow:
I think IDW and their licensees are leaving money on the table not crossing over more of this publisher’s titles:
“Scully, I’m telling you, these ponies talked.”
“Mulder….”
“No, really, Scully…they were all pastel-colored, and had these weird tattoos on their flanks.”
“Oh, come on, Mulder, you expect me to believe….”
“And sometimes they would appear as young girls, their skin tones still those same bright colors….”
“Mulder, that’s it. No more Internet for you.”
p. 323 – The Six Million Dollar Man Season Six #1:
“Mr. Austin, you’ve had another serious accident, and we had to repair you again.”
“Woo boy. How much did it cost this time?”
“Well, due to budget cutbacks, we were stuck with your original six million dollar budget.”
“Which means…?”
“Enjoy that bionic knee, because that’s all you’re getting.”
p. 398 – Grimm Fairy Tales Presents Neverland Age of Darkness #1:
So once a month your pal Mike has to go through
Previews…I mean, aside from doing this post, I actually have to go through it
seriously and like, spend the store’s money and order stuff for our shelves. And when I go through the Zenescope section, I take a little extra time, carefully consider all the variants available for each title, and then place my order numbers based on the relative sexiness of each variant.
In case you were wondering what my life was like.
p. 405 – The Ages of Wonder Woman SC and Hot & Pervy Paris Girls: Best of Petites Parisiennes HC:
So, what’s the Venn diagram showing buyers of each book look like?
p. 406 – The World According to Wolverine HC:
Pretty much just a retelling of
The World According to Garp, but with more Sentinel attacks and appearances from Sabretooth.
p. 409 – Stephen King Films FAQ SC:
“Q: Should I watch Children of the Corn?
A: No, probably not.
Q: How about Lawnmower Man?
A: No way.
Q: Dreamcatcher, then. That one’s gotta be good. Tim Olyphant’s in it.
A: Yeah, you’d think so.
Q: Well…Maximum Overdrive? How’s that one?
A: That one’s a lot of fun, actually. Put it on the Netflix queue.”
p. 411- Fun with Kirk and Spock:
Not your long-awaited compilation of slash fiction. Sorry, friends.
p. 412 – William Shakespeare’s The Empire Striketh Back:
If this eventually leads to
R2-D2 and C-3PO Are Dead, it will all be worth it.
p. 453 – Tonner DC The New 52 Wonder Woman 16-Inch Doll:
I don’t know what anyone’s complaining about, Gal Gadot looks great as Wonder Woman.
p. 455 – Mr. Potato Head Marvel’s Captain America:
Well, sure, that’s all well and good, but the Potato Head version of
this character is just in poor taste.
p. 456 – E.T. 12-Inch Foam Figure:
“…Featuring detailed skin texture, life-like eyes, and soft to the touch.”
…And NOT A SEX TOY, you weirdos.
p. 456 – The Twilight Zone Talky Tina “Color Replica” Doll:
Okay, this doll
does come with a talking mechanism, so surely it’s going to say “my name is Talky Tina and I’m going to kill you,” so if you’re looking to terrify the child in
your life, here you go. But I prefer the
Gremin’s Face 3D window-cling that you can affix to the outside of one of your car windows, which you can then hide with one of those windowshades that you can encourage your child to raise. “Go ahead, Little Billy, it’s not that sunny any more…go ahead and lift up that shade! It’s okay!” Oh, the hours of therapy that are sure to follow!
p. 460 – a whole page of Nerf Zombie Strike toys:
Oh, Nerf, no.
p. 488 – Star Wars 24″ R2-D2 Talking Plush:
A “talking” R2, huh? Well, let’s see….
“I’ve got claws, I can use ’em!”
Wait, what?
“Math is hard!”
C’mon, you’re a droid! That can’t….
“My name is R2-D2 and I’m going to kill you!”
MOMMMMMMM!
p. 500 – DC Classics 20-Inch Leg Lamps:
At last, science has found a way to class-up the leg lamp. Let us all breathe a sigh of relief. I can’t decide which Ultra the Multi-Alien leg lamp to buy, though.
Happy Thanksgiving to all you folks who celebrate such things, and Happy Thursday to everyone else…but regardless of how you spend your last Thursday in November, let us all come together and pay tribute to the most inevitable of events…the End of Civilization, as represented in the fine items offered for sale in the latest Diamond Previews catalog. Wipe that turkey off your fingers, swallow that last bit of green bean casserole, and follow along in your own copy of the December 2013 Previews as we learn what to expect in The World That’s Coming! And there may be a gratuitous Arlo Guthrie reference in there, too:
p. 150 – Justice League War Action Figures – Wonder Woman:
Relive the exciting moment in the
Justice League War animated movie when Wonder Woman’s head was zapped by Brainiac’s shrink gun!
p. 154 – Superman Pool Cues:
This will go nicely with my Green Arrow dartboard, my Batman Family foosball table, my Black Canary Karaoke set, my Royal Flush Gang Video Poker machine, and of course my Mr. Freeze air hockey game.
p. 158 – The X-Files Conspiracy: TMNT:
I swear to God, I keep imagining the next
X-Files movie as a crossover with the live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, and there’s a scene with Gillian Anderson exchanging dialogue with a dude in a Raphael costume and how sad is it that this will never happen. (But then again, the way things are going, never say never.)
p. 164 – Judge Dredd Mega City Two #2:
I am vacillating between “I totally want this to actually be what’s under Dredd’s helmet” and “even ‘censored’ seeing a pic of Dredd without his helmet like this feels so very wrong.”
Also, even stripped to his judgement-shorts, Dredd is never…unarmed, apparently.
p. 253 – Bat Fighter T-Shirt:
Okay, I get this is supposed to be a parody of the Batman logo, but honestly, it just looks like a straight-up Star Wars t-shirt. Not joking, not criticizing, just genuinely curious…how much grief does this company get over these only-just-barely-a-parody items from the actual owners of the properties?
p. 267 – Crossed Badlands #33 Blazing Hot 4 Cover Set:
Well, could have been worse…Avatar could have followed DC’s lead and combined these covers into a single lenticular image.
p. 376 – Doctor Who White Ghosts Audio CD:
Someone out there is desperately waiting for the audio adventures of The Curator, since a cute homage to the past from the recent Doctor Who 50th anniversary special obviously just can’t be left alone.
p. 389 – DIY Create Your Own Trading Card Set:
“At last, my Polar Bear Eating Vanilla Ice Cream in a Snowstorm trading card set is here!”
p. 394 – Star Wars Yoda Backpack Sand T-Shirt:
“OH GOD GET HIM OFF MY BACK HE’S CLAWING ME, HE’S CLAWING”
Related: all Yoda-in-backpack images pale in comparison to the greatest Yoda-in-backpage picture of them all.
p. 394 – Mephisto Red Heather T-Shirt:
Okay, all I can figure is that at this point, they’re just randomly picking comics to put on t-shirts. I mean, how did
that get onto a shirt before
this cover?
p. 394 – The Punisher Pixel Punisher Logo Black T-Shirt:
“IT’S TOO DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE, TAKE THIS.” [old man hands over full run of
Punisher Armory]
p. 404 – My Little Pony “Rainbow Dash Face” Men’s Boxer Shorts:
I find the unfortunate boxer-flap abuse potential of this particular item to be…upsetting.
p. 411 – Alien Metal Bottle Opener:
Remember when the Alien was this mysterious and terrifying creature, of whom you were only able to see fleeting glimpses in the film you were probably too young to be watching anyway? …The mystery is pretty much gone, is what I’m saying.
p. 430 – The Twilight Zone Mystic Seer Replica (Red Version):
Yeah, okay, another high-priced prop replica for an old TV show, whatev….
“Complete with napkin holder and menu holder….”
Hmm. That’s nice, I guess.
“…It features a working coin mechanism and can act as a bank.”
Whoa. Keep talking.
“It even dispenses ‘fortunes!'”
Okay, I think I’m sold, but I’m not sure. Seer, will I buy your prop replica?
…
…
Oh, right.
p. 431 – Batman Arkham City Nightwing Arsenal 1/1-Scale Replica:
I feel like I’m missing out on Swamp Thing weapon replicas. Like, where are my replica Swamp Thing Hallucinogenic Tubers? (Ends up being a box full of plastic potatoes.)
As for this particular item, the set includes this:
…a letter to Dick Grayson from his mother, which ends with “We just got confirmation on the Gotham Show. How Exciting!”
How depressing, I think you mean.
p. 444 – Doctor Who Eleventh Doctor 15-Inch Talking Plush with LED Light:
And what he says is “whoa, whoa, WHOA, watch your hand there, buddy!”
p. 444 – Doctor Who 24″ TARDIS Plush with Lights and Sound:
NOT A SEX TOY. Hopefully. No hanky-panky
in the TARDIS, but
with the TARDIS…well, whatever you do in your own home, and all that.
p. 446 – Doctor Who Dalek Mr. Potato Head:
The Daleks as they are scared kids into hiding behind the couch. If they looked like this,
Doctor Who would’ve scared kids into therapy.
p. 487 – Monopoly Wizard of Oz 75th Anniversary Edition:
Do not pass GO, do not pay any attention to the man behind the curtain.
Marvel Previews p. 4 – Fantastic Four #1:
Presumably related to Fin Fang Foom, the famous Marvel Monster. Or maybe you’ve heard of his other lesser known cousins, like Ding Dang Doom, Ring Rang Room, or Big Bang Boom.
I can make up these names all day. I’m not proud. Or tired.
It’s Halloween, and you can forget all those ghosts and witches, those haunted houses and demonic possessions. You want to see something really scary? Then grab your copy of the November 2013 edition of Diamond Previews and follow along!
p. 63 – Never Ending #3 (of 3):
Wait…
Never Ending is
ending? I feel as if my trust have been breached. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, KNAVE, KIRKBRIDE AND LOVE?
p. 149 – DC Comics Super Villains Deathstorm Action Figure:
This will look nice next to my Tomorrow Woman figure on my “Characters I’ll Never See Again” shelf.
p. 289 – Li’l Ernie one-shot:
So, Dynamite Comics. You’ve found a way to get me to buy an Evil Ernie comic: 1. Make him cute. 2. Throw an Art Baltazar cover on it. 3. Have it written and drawn by Roger Langridge.
Well played, Dynamite Comics. Well played indeed.
p. 298 – Deflower the Boss:
Don’t you get any ideas, employees Aaron or Timmy!
p. 328 – Hello Kitty: Delicious:
Hello Kitty’s stint on
Iron Chef was shockingly disruptive.
p. 368 – Batman Science: The Real World Science Behind Batman’s Gear:
Shame about the subtitle, because I was really hoping for “POW! Take that, creationists! BIFF! Down for the count, psychics! SMACK! You’re out cold, antivaxxers!”
p. 385 – Topps 2014 MLP Chipz:
“Get ready to kick off the 2014 Major League Baseball season with MLB Chipz. You can collect these chipz, trade with your friends, or use them to play games. There are a number of different types of chipz, featuring the stars from around the Majors, including Magnetic, Glow-in-the-Dark, and bat chipz. You will be able to find one team sticker and one game board in each pack.”
These are basically pogs, aren’t they. Please tell me they’re not pogs. Please. PLEASE.
[Mike huddles in a fetal position in the corner of his living room. He is crying. The camera slowly pulls back as the room fades to black.]
PLEASE.
p. 389 – Deadpool Bold FX Snap Back Cap:
+1 for the
Breaking Bad reference in the caption.
-1 for the creepy Steve Ditko-ish Dr. Strange interdimensional limbo-esque mouths being used in place of the Os.
p. 397 – Nightwing 52 Symbol Hoodie:
“Hey, why do you have a picture of fancy red briefs on your hoodie?”
p. 399 – Dr. Who “The Girl Who Waited” Junior’s Blue T-Shirt:
Totally going to be misinterpreted as some kind of statement of commitment to virginity ’til marriage, just you watch.
p. 402 – Doctor Who “Tardis” All-Over Print Navy Lounge Pants and My Little Pony “Multi-Character” Lounge Pants:
What, I don’t want ponies or sci-fi stuff on my pajama bottoms! That’ll make me look silly when I wear them to the store or the bank!
p. 406-7- Batman Classic TV Series Batman Bust:
Okay, I initially read the blurb as “6′ TALL!” and the idea of having a six-foot bust of Best Batman Adam West in my home was almost too much to bear.
p. 416 – ReAction Figures Alien Action Figures:
The proposed 1979 Alien action figure line finally comes to life. Store shelves that have waited so long, so very long, to be warmed by Dallas figures quiver with excitement.
p. 422 – Futurama Hedonismbot Vinyl Figure:
While I love Hedonismbot, I just don’t have the fifty bucks to frivolously spend on his vinyl representation. Truly I have violated the very spirit of Hedonismbot.
p. 429 – Dumb Ways to Die 4-Inch Rotocast Figurines:
The more merchandise based on Internet videos that’s produced, the greater the chance that I’ll finally get merchandise based on
my favorite online cartoon.
p. 430 – Mr. Potato Head Homer Simpson Figure:
Ah, from the new Nightmare Fuel line of children’s toys, apparently. Well done, well done.
p. 438 – Lady Death La Muerta Statue:
“Whoa, what did they do to her face?”
“…She has a face?”
p. 438 – Conan the Brutal Statue:
This will provide a nice contrast to my “Conan the Remarkably Genteel” statue.
p. 442 – Juggernaut Mini-Bust:
“I’M THE JUGGERNAUT, BUST!”
…That was funnier in my head.
p. 443 – Battlestar Galactica Medal of Distinction 1/1-Scale Prop Replica:
“ANOVOS is humbled to release the 1:1-scale replica of Admiral William Adama’s Medal of Distinction featured in Battlestar Galactica’s third season episode, ‘Hero.'”
“Humbled.”
p. 483 – PEZ The Hobbit Movie Gift Set:
While people were mostly favorable to the Hobbit PEZ, they didn’t find it nearly as fresh or interesting as the Lord of the Rings PEZ.
p. 491 – G.G. Allin 1989 Throbblehead:
Let us hope that for maximum authenticity, each Throbblehead has been inserted into someone’s [REDACTED] prior to packaging and shipping.
p. 491 – Bouncing Souls The Guy Mascot Throbblehead:
SUPER-DEFORMED FRANK GORSHIN
p. 494 – Star Trek Pet Product Collection: Uniform Shirt and Spock Hoodie:
Surely
this is the Trek reboot movie that we deserved.
p. 498 – The Walking Dead Rockmaster Electric Guitars:
SUNDAY 10 PM: THE WALKING DEAD – Rick finally defeats the walkers with the power of rock, exploding zombie heads with his awesome guitar riffs. WOOOOOOO [Series finale]
Marvel Previews – all those “MARVEL.NOW = ALL-NEW MARVEL NOW #! solicitations:
So we just restarted everything from #1s again, and now we’re kinda-sorta trying to do it
again? What, did Aspen Comics buy Marvel when I wasn’t looking?
Marvel Previews p. 34-39: Miracleman #1 & #2:
DC’s 3D cover shenanigans didn’t kill me, but the End of Civilization may yet finish me off, as we go through the October 2013 edition of Diamond Previews and see what horrors await in the not too distant future. So, grab your copy, either in physical form or that newfangled digital format that all you kids are into, and follow along:
p. 89 – Justice League 3000 #1:
Well, this certainly looks more inviting than
Kevin Maguire’s version. Maybe they can just keep putting out the same first issue, drawn by a new artist every time. It can be like their tryout comic for new talent. Assuming any new talent still wants to enter this industry.
p. 110 – Batwoman #26:
Whew, interesting things were happening in this comic for a while now…thank goodness DC editorial put a stop to that!
p. 124 – Villains Month 3-D Motion Complete Set:
Only $199.99, or approximately the cost of what a copy of the 3-D Joker’s Daughter issue is going for right now.
p. 155 – Star Trek Annual 2013:
I would pay one American dollar if this fotocomic were to slowly morph the faces of the main characters from their Classic ’60s Era to their Reboot versions. “Spock, you’re…smoother. Less craggy. What’s…
happened…to us?”
p. 333 – Down Set Fight!:
What th–!? A graphic novel? Written by
Chris Sims? Now I know
Previews‘s standards have fallen, when something like this takes up valuable space that could have been used to solicit orders for farting animal dolls, or vinyl figurines of Japanese bikini women in uncomfortable poses. CIVILIZATION…HAS TRULY ENDED.
p. 374 – Carl Lungren Rock Posters of the Psychedelic Era HC:
Man, She-Hulk got up to some weird stuff.
p. 375 – Marvel’s Avengers The Ultimate Character Guide HC:
And now, descriptions of characters that will never appear in
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..
p. 375 – DC Comics The Ultimate Character Guide HC:
And now, descriptions of characters that will probably be rebooted before you finish reading said descriptions.
p. 393 – Breaking Bad Trading Cards:
“Mom, the blue gum from this trading card pack tastes funny.”
p. 405 – Swamp Thing Organic T-Shirt:
DAMMIT. I’m pretty close to having Swamp Thing t-shirts for every day of the week, with the downside of I ALMOST NEVER WEAR T-SHIRTS. DC, please, just
one Swamp Thing dress-up shirt. Long sleeves, button-down collar, big picture of Swamp Thing on the back…you know, like that.
p. 407 – DC Heroes Supergirl and Batgirl Pajama Sets:
Well, sure, after all those pictures of men in sexy men’s pajamas that have run in
Previews over the years, it’s about time we got some purty ladies posing in the mag. It’s only fair.
…Wait. What?
p. 409 – Doctor Who TARDIS 1-Piece Pajamas:
“Wow, it’s bigger on the inside!”
“Are…are you saying I’m fat?”
“What? No! You know, the TV show, ‘bigger on the inside,’ what they always say about the TARDIS?”
“GET OUT. GET OUT NOW.”
p. 432 – Simpsons 25th Anniversary 24-Inch Jumbo Plushies:
“Is there
any way we can make these dolls look creepier?” “How about some underlighting?” “JIMMY, MY BOY, GIVE YOURSELF A RAISE.”
p. 438 – Nightmare on Elm Street Video Game Freddy Krueger Action Figure:
An action figure based on an ’80s video game based on a pretty-much done horror film fad. …That more or less sums up
Previews merchandise right there.
p. 442 – James Bond Breathers Evolution Replica Set:
“As a Navy Commander, James Bond is well versed in the sub-aquatic and has used numerous underwater gadgets in his five decades onscreen, two of the most famous being the ‘Breathers’ seen originally in 1965’s Thunderball, and then revisited in a revised form in 2002’s Die Another Day. While not the same prop, they share a common heritage and this set showcases their evolution. Both replicas in one set designed to honor and celebrate the art of the 007 film prop! Issued to Bond in the Bahamas, the Thunderball prop is famously used by 007 to infiltrate Largo’s lair through the shark infested pool. With direct homage to Thunderball, Bond is issued an updated version of the breather in Die Another Day. The Factory Entertainment Breather Evolution Set prop replicas were created after exhaustive and careful study of surviving props in the EON Productions archives and reference materials such as blueprints, photographs and reference documents. Both replicas come with a museum quality display stand, acrylic cover, numbered limited edition plaque, Certificate of Authenticity, and detailed prop story booklet.”
Well, I’m convinced. If you don’t have one of these in your home, you might as well just drop dead right now from shame.
p. 443 – The Twilight Zone Henry Bemis Book Replica:
Fake books and a pair of glasses that come with stickers to make them look broken. Not quite a
wooden stake replica, but within spittin’ distance.
p. 445 – Star Wars Life-Size Vintage Stormtrooper Monument:
Let’s see, a few of these, some life size Ugnaughts, a life-size Boba Fett, a life-size Darth Vader, put ’em togther with my life-size
Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite statue, and my
Empire Strikes Back backyard diorama will be complete! I’ll be the envy of the neighborhood!
p. 478 – Doctor Who Fourth Doctor Monitor Mate Bobblehead:
Well, sure, who wouldn’t want that staring back at them from the top of their computer monitors?
“WHAT WEBSITE ARE YOU LOOKING AT? DON’T LOOK AT THAT WEBSITE! THAT WEBSITE IS NAUGHTY! I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU”
aaaaaah please don’t punish me fourth doctor bobblehead
p. 484 – Dexter Spatter Analyst Bobblehead:
It bobbled normally until the
Dexter finale aired, and now it just slowly shakes its head back and forth, back and forth.
p. 489 – The Walking Dead Billfold Wallets:
“Yeah, well, the funny thing is, I don’t have any money to put into my new Walking Dead wallet after spending it all on Walking Dead merchandise. O. HENRY, THE IRONY”
p. 489 – The Wizard of Oz Wicked Witch 20-Inch Leg Lamp:
“More like the CHEECH WIZARD of Oz, amirite?”
…I’m very sorry.
p. 490 – Cthulhu 4-Piece Pin Set:
“Keep calm and…’cthulhu f’htagn?’ Are you making fun of people who have fits?” “What? No, you see, there’s this monster….” “You’re saying people who have fits are
monsters?” “Sigh.”
…This has been another installment of NERD PROBLEMS. Please tune in next week when our hero tries to explain why all those shower scenes in anime are important.
Marvel Previews p. 12-13 – Avengers #24.NOW:
Oh what the c**k is this s**t.
It’s issue #300 of Diamond Previews! And it’s also, like, installment #2800 of this, my End of Civilization series of posts. Not sure how the math worked out there, exactly, but oh goodness those numbers feel right. Anyhow, grab your own copy of Previews for September 2013, and follow along as I peer at a few of the goodies contained within:
p. 139 – Scooby-Doo Team-Up #1:
Hopefully we’ll eventually get the Kamandi/Scooby-Doo team-up where Scooby is revealed to be the progenitor of all the talking animals from Kamandi’s future.
p. 141 – The Sandman Overture Special Edition #1:
“Hey, remember that
Sandman #1 you bought last month? Well, you’re a sucker, because here’s a much
better Sandman #1 out this month! Will there be another even
more special version of #1 out next month? I guess you’ll just have to wait and find out!”
p. 153 – Batman: Hush Batman and Catwoman Kiss Statue:
Oh yeah, Batman and Catwoman want to rock and roll all night, and party every da…wait, what? Not that kind of KISS? …Well,
damn.
p. 171 – Doctor Who: Prisoners of Time #12:
I’ve been waiting for the last year for an issue of this series to have a Peter Cushing cover. I’d better not be disappointed.
p. 174 – My Little Pony Micro-Series: Spike:
At long last, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover you
never expected!
p. 181 – Mars Attacks: The Human Condition:
Looks like the Martians are taking on our awareness of our own mortality as well as our general interest in the universe around us and our desire to perpetuate ourselves either through our offspring or through our works or both. I guess you got us, Martians.
p. 267 – All New Fathom #5:
Whoa whoa whoa hold on there, issue
5? That’s just crazy talk. You guys
really need to start over with another
Fathom #1.
p. 396 – Inside Seka The Platinum Princess of Porn:
Comics, everyone!
p. 397 – The Death Star Owner’s Technical Manual:
“Errata: There is a minor design flaw involving the thermal exhaust port and its direct access to the reactor core. However, this should not interfere with the enjoyment of your new Death Star.”
p. 397 – Star Wars Frames HC:
Each frame personally hand-altered by George Lucas. Oh, hey, in this one, the rancor shoots first! Awesome!
p. 397 – Star Wars A Very Vader Valentine’s Day SC:
“‘I’m all choked up over you!’ Ah, Padmé, you shouldn’t have!”
p. 415 – Thanos “Infinity Indeed” Black T-Shirt:
I am sure there is an explanation for this. I am sure I could Google it. I think I am probably better off not knowing.
p. 416 – Alpha Flight Red Heather T-Shirt:
“Excuse me? Do you have a brightly-colored t-shirt featuring the heads of members of a no-longer-published superhero team the name of which I forget, each member with a gunsight target superimposed over their heads, and the promise of one of their deaths emblazoned below the image?”
“Hmmm…lemme think. The Champions? Primal Force? Team Youngblood? Combat Kelly and his Deadly Dozen? Help me out here.”
“Oh, yeah, they’re Canadian.”
“Oh, Alpha Flight! Right this way, sir.”
p. 433 – Lost in Space Minimates Robot and Dr. Smith Two-Pack:
Dr. Smith comes with three heads, with presumably three different expressions: “prissy,” “very prissy,” and “extremely prissy.” Or “alluring,” “very alluring,” and “extremely alluring.” Your mileage may vary.
p. 445 – The Lone Ranger 7-Inch Series 2 Action Figures:
For those of you who needed to recalibrate your personal definitions of “high hopes,” here is a
second series of these figures to help you out.
p. 448 – Skele-Treks 5-Inch Action Figures:
Surely
this will be the creepiest item based on a popular sci-fi franchise that I’ll see in this month’s
Previews.
p. 459 – The Walking Dead Daryl Dixon Walker Ear Prop:
Not that
Walking Dead is uniquely guilty of this, but apparently there’s just an automated rubber stamp machine that just pounds a “YES” onto every merchandise suggestion memo that passes through it.
p. 471 – Mr Potato Head Doctor Who The Eleventh Doctor:
Forget what I said about the Skele-Treks.
This is the creepiest item based on a popular sci-fi franchise that I’ll see in this month’s
Previews.
p. 474 – Kick-Ass 2 400% Bearbricks:
Now,
this movie people might have gone to see.
p. 509 – Minecraft The Game That Changed Everything HC:
Even as we speak, the publisher is currently rushing collected sugar cane back to the crafting table to make paper for all these books. Please appreciate the efforts they’re going through, and of course mourn the interns lost to Creepers and Endermen.
The big news from the San Diego Comic Con was, of course, that it looks like I’ll be doing these Ends of Civilization for quite a while yet, judging by some of the stuff that was announced, so you’re not rid of me anytime soon! But enough about the far future…let us wallow in products due out in the more immediate future, and you can follow along in your August 2013 edition of Diamond Previews, which you surely have at your side right at this very moment!
p. 87-9 – Justice League #24, Justice League of America #8, Justice League Dark #24:
The Justice Leagues fight the menace of television static! “Green Lantern! Quickly, move the antenna just a little to the left,” Batman commands!
p. 93 – Superman/Wonder Woman #1:
Batman/Superman
Superman/Wonder Woman
Batman/Wonder Woman
Superman/Batwing
Green Lantern/Wonder Woman
Green Lantern/Another Lantern, Maybe A Blue One, Sure, Why Not
Bruce and Clark and Diana and Lois
Superman/Other Hero To Be Announced, Basically Just DC Comics Presents, You Remember That Series, It Was Pretty Awesome
Wonder Woman/Wonder Girl/Wonder Tot
Batman Vs. Batman, starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep
Die Fledermaus/The Caped Wonder
Robot Superman/Alien Batman/Other Dimensional Wonder Woman/Plain Ol’ Aquaman
Catwoman/Jimmy Olsen
Itty/Ace the Bat-Hound
Batgirl/Nightwing/Would Probably Sell A Billion Copies
Superman, Just by Himself, Moping Around The Fortress of Solitude and Sighing
p. 115 – Green Lantern #24:
BEGINNING THIS ISSUE: the Green Lantern Corps versus classic punk band the Angry Samoans!
p. 142 – The Sandman: Overture #1:
I guess I’m okay with this New 52 Sandman series, but I think
Sandman/Wonder Woman and
Sandman Unchained and
Sandman and the Outlaws and having him join
Justice League Dark is really just pushing it.
p. 154 – Batman Black & White Earth 2 Batman Statue:
“And our drummer Batman exclusively uses only Waynetech Drums! Remember, Waynetech Drums, for the best in combining satisfying rock and roll sound with costumed vigilantism!”
p. 156 – DC Comics Super Heroes Batman Bust:
You’re going to do a Dancing Batman statue and it’s
not the Batusi? C’mon, I thought y’all got those rights cleared up.
p. 245 – H.P. Mine Craft T-Shirt:
Quite frankly, the creatures in Minecraft are terrifying enough, they don’t need to be all Lovecrafted up. Though I won’t lie…I’d play a Lovecraft-themed Minecraft game. DAMMIT, MASHING-UP-OF-TWO-THINGS SHIRTS, YOU FINALLY GOT ME
p. 257 – Archie #649:
Ah, the Harry Potter parody issue! There’s the Archie I know, tackling the fads that everyone’s pretty much done with!
p. 258 – World of Archie Double Digest #33:
Now, this cover
promises a story about Archie growing an amazing fro, so that better be what I see inside.
p. 315 – The Big Bang Theory “Bazinga!” Toaster:
So a show that made fun of Sheldon owning a Battlestar Galactica Cylon toaster has their own toaster that burns designs into bread. Where the equal time rule for novelty toasters? Where the screen time for the Watchmen Rorschach toaster? WHERE INDEED
p. 380 – Doctor Who The Vault – Treasures from the First 50 Years HC:
The companion volume to
Complaints from the First 50 Years, compiling the best of fan mail from folks griping that they don’t like this new Patrick Troughton guy and the like. The last couple of chapters just tell you to go to Twitter and Tumblr.
p. 420 – Batman Major Cuff Knit Cap:
There are other caps like this on the page, like Punisher and Darth Vader, with a second pair of eyes on the cuff, which really begs the question why they didn’t do one of these for
Bi-Beast.
p. 430 – Battlestar Galactica Retro Tin-Tote Figure Gift Set:
Kinda looks like Boxey hollowed out his robotic Daggit so he could wear the skin himself:
And it’s kind of hard to see the detail on this figure:
…so here’s a better look:
p. 440 – Dexter 3-3/4 Inch Action Figure with Tin Tote:
“Um, so, what are you doing there with your action figures, Little Billy?”
“Oh, Dexter finally caught up to Cobra Commander, and he’s going to finally pay for his crimes!”
“Okaaaay…say, could you maybe take it easy on using so much plastic wrap? That stuff isn’t free.”
“I’ll give it back as soon as I’m done with Punisher and Wolverine, Dad.”
p. 443 – Prometheus Series 3 Action Figure:
“Each figure stands over 8″ tall and features over 20 points of articulation and countless plot weaknesses and outright plot holes!”
…That quote may be slightly edited.
p. 491 – Superman with Cape Pilsner Glass:
“Man, there’s a tiny Superman sitting on the bar in front of me. Whoa.”
“Okay, I’m cutting you off…HOLY CRAP THERE IS A TINY SUPERMAN, EVERYONE GET OUT, RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES”
Thank you for for enjoying my one-act play The Adventures of the Really Drunk Guy and the Easily-Panicked Bartender Who Has Relatively Poor Eyesight!
p. 496 – Kick Ass Coffee Mugs:
I
first talked about these about three years ago, and solicitation specifically notes that it’s a
resolicitation from 2010. Between that first listing and this one, we’ve lost a few mugs along the way (and gained a Hit-Girl, I think).
I have no joke here. It seems the mugs have come out, just from a quick Googling, just not through Diamond. Maybe we can look forward to a reresolicit around the time of Kick-Ass 3: The Movie.
p. 497 – Sons of Anarchy Men of Mayhem Can Cooler:
Please tell me there’s a scene in the show with one of those tough guys gingerly tucking their beer can into one of these foam covers. “WHAT?” the character shouts defensively at the others snickering at him. “IT KEEPS MY BEER COOL!”
p. 499 – The Walking Dead “If Daryl Dies We Riot” Bracelet:
I think what I like most about this bracelet is how it can apply to so many situations, both everyday and special events. “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” “If Daryl dies, we riot.” / “Mom, what’s for dinner?” “If Daryl dies, we riot.” / “Sapstein, do you have your budget report ready for us?” “If Daryl dies, we riot.”
p. 506 – The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey Yahtzee Collector’s Edition:
I was thinking “what’s less likely a
Hobbit tie-in than Hobbit Yahtzee…oh, how ’bout Hobbit Backgammon, ha ha, there’s no way they can do do a Hobbit-themed backgammon game” and then I Googled and
I guess I’m the asshole.
p. 514 – Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie:
I was
hoping the Mystery Science Theater guys would get around to making fun of this
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie movie! This will be hilarious!
Marvel Previews p. 31 – Cataclysm #0.1:
I’m suddenly nostalgic for the good ol’ days of “television static” solicitation images.
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! It’s time once again for the gift that keeps on giving, no matter how much you’d like it to stop…the End of Civilization, as brought to us by the monthly arrival of the new Diamond Previews! Grab your copy of the July 2013 issue and follow along…and keep in mind, my Iceman joke could have been a lot more awful:
p. 30 – The Star Wars #1:
Yes, it’s an actual adaptation of George Lucas’s original…outline? Rough draft? Bar napkins? for what we would come to know and love as The Movie Series That Would Eventually Bring Us Jar Jar Binks, only this time starring Idealized Version of George Lucas as Himself, and, um…
…Swamp Thing, apparently, as pointed out to me by a few Internet pals.
Clearly this blazes an important trail for future Dark Horse projects along these lines, such as Billie The Vampire Kicker, The Horrible Ambulatory-Penis Alien Monsters, and Conan the Fellow with Simply Barbaric Table Manners.
p. 44 – Kiss Me, Satan #1:
Ew, gross, Satan’s breath smells like stale cigarettes and his tongue is, like,
everywhere. …Don’t ask how I know.
p. 69 – Marvel Classic Character X-Men #5 – Iceman:
Made entirely of that stuff you find inside Twinkies. Lick your Iceman today!
p. 71 – DC Villains Month:
As
noted before, trying to order
DC’s books for this month will almost certainly kill me. So it’s not just the End of Civilization this time, kids…it’s the End of Your Pal Mike. So long, everyone! Thanks for reading!
p. 141 – The New 52 Swamp Thing Deluxe Action Figure:
Yeah, yeah, you’ve got my money, DC. But wait, what’s this?
Okay, I’m skipping all that Villains Month nonsense and using the money to order boatloads of these just to make sure I get one. “Allocated,” my ass.
p. 178 – Sex Criminals #1:
I like this strategy of Image’s to throw the word “sex” into the titles of their new series. Maybe they can go back and do the same with some previous series, to perk up flagging sales a bit.
Sex Projects.
East of Sex.
Sex Grand.
Sex Dragon.
Sex Hunters.
Skullsexers.
Cyber Sex.
Sex Tank.
No-sex Men…ooh, no, scratch that one.
p. 233 – Gorn on the Bayou T-Shirt:
Man, I don’t even know.
p. 246 – Afterlife with Archie #1:
“Archie Zombies,” everyone. I’m surprisingly amused by this, though this particular variant cover:
…is a bit alarming. HOT DOG, NO
Am also looking forward to Breaking Archie, with Mr. Flutesnoot recruiting bad boy Reggie to help build his drug-dealing empire.
p. 255 – God Is Dead #1:
On the one hand, it’s an Avatar cover with no one being disemboweled or otherwise tortured, for once. On the other hand…well, that’s gonna get some looks, regardless.
p. 373 – The Official DC Super Hero Cookbook HC:
The Swamp Thing garden salad is surprisingly easy to make. The Ocean Master’s Fugu Surprise, not so much.
p. 374 – DC Super Heroes: Batman – Bat-Mite’s Big Blunder TP:
“Hee hee, Batman! I restarted all of DC’s superhero titles, including a whole bunch that star you, and took away Superman’s red trunks so he’d look silly and everyone would like you more! Aren’t you happy?”
“Oh, Bat-Mite…!”
p. 395 – Sons of Anarchy “R.I.P. Opie” Black T-Shirt:
I
knew Opie was chafing under Sheriff Andy’s paternalistic care, but I never thought it would come to this. NOT THIS
p. 396 – Star Wars “I’m Not Sorry” Black T-Shirt:
p. 413 – Marvel Infinity Gauntlet Bottle Opener:
Yeah, fine, that’s all well and good, but what we need is an actual Infinity Gauntlet glove. No, not like that high-end “prop” that may or may not have been wearable and cost hundreds of dollars. I mean, like, a mass-market thing (or as mass-market as the direct comics market can manage) – something relatively inexpensive and readily available for fans across the world to wear, each and every day, at home and work, on dates and to church, declaring to the world around them that yes, we, the comic fans of America and lands abroad, love wearing single gloves with colored plastic jewels on them that the general public will eventually recognize as something from Marvel Comics if and when it puts in an appearance in
The Avengers 2.
p. 419 – Axe Cop Avocado Solider 8-Inch Plush and Wexter 12-Inch Plush:
Toys based on the comic book written by a five-year-old and drawn by his 29-year-old brother…makes me wish someone would make a stuffed doll out of
my five-year-old self’s drawings:
You know you’d buy one.
p. 444 – DC Comics Shazam New 52 ArtFX+ Statue:
Not to be disrespectful or anything…but do you think C.C. Beck’s body has ever
stopped spinning since being put in its grave?
p. 458 – Star Wars Jabba the Hutt 12-Inch Talking Plush:
Only 12 inches? PFFFFT. Call me when you get to 1/1 scale, baby…I’ve got a living room to fill.
p. 458 – Star Wars Yoda Super Deluxe 24-Inch Talking Plush:
WARNING: Do not hollow out and use as children’s Halloween costume. Also, don’t do…things with it, you weirdos.
p. 476 – Stan Lee Signature Cologne for Men:
Moustache not included. BUT IT SHOULD BE.
p. 492 – My Little Pony Equestria Girls:
So a while back on this site, I talked about a series of videotapes released by a certain indie comics publisher that featured girls in superhero outfits fighting each other, and when I made reference to this as essentially a fetish video, I received an impassioned response from said publisher that nothing could be farther from the truth, there’s no
way videos of girls in costumes fighting each other could be construed as any kind of fetish thing.
Just came to mind, for some reason.
p. 497 – Swamp Thing Blu-Ray:
Finally, I can see each fold and zipper in every rubbery suit with the clarity I deserve. …Speaking of fetish videos.
Marvel Previews p. 8 – Infinity #3 Lego Variant:
Oh for God’s sake, yet another new kind of variant cover, but, um, well, it’s kind of cute
NO STOP you know I guess it’s okay
SMITE HIM
Hey there, crazy kids and kool kats! Here’s another dollop of dorkiness from the pages of your favorite comic book catalog, Diamond Previews…grab your copy of the June 2013 edition, and do try to keep up…!
p. 87 – Action Comics #23:
“…In the backup story, Joer-El and Lara try to save the Science Council from the colonel who seeks to make all of Krypton kneel before him!”
If you’re not yet tired to “kneel before me!” call-backs to Superman II…you will be. You will be.
p. 148-9 – T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1:
Surely
this will be the revival of a nearly-forgotten decades-old com…wait. Hold on. This feels familiar.
Oh, yeah, right.
p. 171 – Star Trek #24:
Guys, c’mon, seriously. WHY IS THAT THE VARIANT COVER, and not the
regular, easily-available-and-purchasable cover? Are you afraid of money?
p. 229 – Night of the ’80s Undead #2:
Not to be confused with…
p. 230 – Rogues #5:
Not to be confused
with….
p. 232 – Detroit Lion-Os T-Shirt:
Well, I’m certain the NFL will have a fine sense of humor about this. They’re an easy-going bunch of guys.
p. 246 – Betty & Veronica #267:
In this issue, Archie learns about the genital papilla, much to his dismay.
p. 387 – Star Wars Lightsaber Thumb Wrestling:
“Enact your favorite lightsaber battles from all six Star Wars films! Simply attach the two plastic lightsabers – one blue and one red – to dueling thumbs with Velcro…”
what
“…and enact your favorite battle scenes. Each of the seven spreads acts as a ‘game board,’ or a stage for battle.”
WHAT
Also, presumably unrelated to this.
p. 395 – My Little Pony “Team Pony” Silver T-Shirt:
If only Catherine the Great was still around to enjoy all these fine “Team Pony” products.
p. 404 – My Little Pony “Big Face Dash” Juniors Tunic Tank T-Shirt:
I searched and searched for an online video of that Kirstie Alley
Saturday Night Live sketch where the lady aliens explain that their eyes ended up on their breasts via evolutionary pressure from their men always looking there instead of at their faces, but no dice, so
here’s a still and a cast list from the sketch instead.
Just came to mind for some reason.
p. 423 – Marvel Labbit:
So now they’re just straight up manufacturing toys based directly on my nightmares. That’s good to know.
p. 445 – Rocky Championship Belt Replica:
“The most iconic and instantly recognizable collectible from the Rocky movies, this intricately detailed Championship belt is accurate to the one seen throughout the Rocky series. Made from heavyweight cast metal with a high quality gold plated finish, genuine leather and layers of ruffled satin, just like the original! The four metal picture frames feature images of the various champions in Rocky movie history – Clubber Lang, Apollo Creed, Ivan Drago, and, of course, Rocky Balboa. This beautifully crafted replica has been crafted with pride from the finest materials available, and is a faithful copy of the original Prop that will be the centerpiece of anyone’s Rocky collection.”
Okay, I was with you up until “anyone’s Rocky collection.” I have a hard time believing anyone whose name doesn’t rhyme with Mylvester Mallone has a Rocky collection.
p. 447 – Frankenstein VFX 1/1-Scale Bust:
“No, Frankie,
no…the iPod buds go in your
ears.”
p. 463 – Star Trek Mister Spock Maxi-Bust:
Hey, remember that time a penguin accidentally got beamed up with Mr. Spock and their molecules got all mixed up and so for the rest of the episode the crew had to deal with Mr. Spenguin?
ALTERNATE JOKE: This close to being a piece of Bloom County merchandise.
p. 464 – Star Trek Captain Kirk Tinned Candies:
“Each Tribble-shaped candy tastes just like confident swagger and limitless charm.”
p. 466 – Senran Kagura Hibari “Sukumizu Version” PVC Figure:
“…From the popular
Senran Kagura video game….” Hmmm, wonder why it was so popular?
p. 484 – Iron Man 3 Iron Man Mark 42 Adult Helmet:
“Hey, this mask is pretty neat, and it opens up, too…OH GOD THERE’S A HUMAN HEAD INSIDE, CALL 911”
p. 492 – Words with Zombies Previews Exclusive Magnet Set:
Not all that different from the Words with Sex Magnet Set.
…What? You don’t shout “BRRRAAIINNSSSSS” when…um. Okay. Forget I said anything.
Well, saddle up, pardner, as it’s time to lasso up some new, um, stuff out of this…okay, I’ve already lost the thread on the whole cowboy intro thing, so let’s just get cracking on what awaits us in the newest Diamond Previews, May 2013 edition. Grab your copy and follow along:
p. 128 – Batman ’66 #1:
Okay, this doesn’t really represent the End of Civilization, since this is absolutely
fantastic, but I
am pretty sure Hell has frozen over.
p. 135 – Batman The Court of Owls Book and Mask Set:
Okay, that’s all well and good, but honestly, DC, where’s your
Justice League Versus Starro Book and Mask Set?
I mean COME ON.
p. 133 – Batman Vol. 3 Death of the Family HC:
Okay, I’m presenting this one a little out of order just to emphasize how lucky we were this particular storyline
didn’t come out as a book and mask set.
p. 153 – Superman & Wonder Woman “The Kiss” Statue:
Hey, remember that time Supes and Wonder Woman were shrunk down by Brainiac and they shared a smooch on top of a “giant” pile of popcorn? Man, this New 52 sure is somethin’.
p. 157 – Before Watchmen Ozymandias Statue:
Painstakingly sculpted and hand-painted, coated with a glaze of Alan Moore’s tears.
p. 261 – Peanuts Ultra Detail Figures:
“Gothic Brown, you blockhead!”
p. 380 – Doctor Who The Complete Guide SC:
“Whew! Finally finished writing this book! I’ve successfully and completely covered all fifty years of Doctor Who’s history!”
“Uh, Mark, there’s a new episode next Saturday.”
“OH SON OF A BITCH”
p. 388 – William Shakespeare’s Star Wars HC:
Ah, Shakespeare in the original Star Warsian. I don’t see how any sci-fi fan could have a problem with…
…Uh oh.
Oh, well, maybe J.J. Abrams can resolve this in his eventual Star Wars/Star Trek crossover movie.
p. 392 – American Horror Story Trading Cards:
Oh please let there be costume prop cards with little bits of the black leather body suit embedded in them. “Oooh, this one’s still moist with sweat!”
p. 396 – Doctor Who “Future Companion” T-Shirt:
“I hope I’m the one with the unrequited love for the Doctor!” “I hope I’m the one with a mysterious past that they keep teasing everyone about all season!” “I hope I’m the one who totally overstays my welcome but they keep bringing me back anyway!”
p. 399 – Man-Thing Indigo Black T-Shirt:
I’m not sure I’m quite ready to tool (heh) around town with “MAN-THING” plastered across my chest. And I’m sure we’re all anxiously awaiting the obvious “Giant-Size Man-Thing” joke, but I’m not going to tell it. YOU TELL IT.
Also (ahem) Man-Thing on that shirt has the wrong number of fingers and also while Man-Thing’s touch can burn you as implied by the ad copy over the image, the burning sensation is triggered by fear, not love, and Man-Thing himself can’t feel love as he is an emotionless, mindless beast only responding to the feelings of others. …YOU’VE BEEN PEDANTED, OH YEAH
p. 405 – Robin R.I.P. T-Shirt, Robin Symbol Youth T-Shirt, Robin Symbol T-Shirt (not pictured):
One, the dead Robin shirt is kind of weird. Try explaining this to the uninitiated. “Well, Robin died…not, not that Robin. Or that Robin. …Batman’s son. Yeah, with Talia. …Okay, lemme ‘splain Talia….” Two, I’m reasonably certain that the not-pictured Robin Symbol T-Shirt looks relatively similar to the Robin Symbol Youth T-Shirt (pictured). Okay, maybe the “R” is a little larger in relation to the rest of the shirt, but, c’mon.
And “Robin takes a dive?” So you’re saying he…faked his death? IS THIS SHIRT AD A SPOILER?
p. 424 – TYO X USPS Mini Drop Box:
When I was but a young Mikester, I actually had a toy metal mailbox that was, oh, I don’t know, about a foot tall, that I played with. A lot.
Look, this is what kids did before they all had their Grand Theft Portals and their Zunedroids.
p. 438 – The Hobbit The Goblin King Mini-Bust:
“Hmmm…I don’t think I can sign off on this quite yet.”
“Ah, give us a break, Goblin King, it looks just like you.”
“WHAT? Look, that’s not flattering at all. Here, you need me to make me look more like this. Lemme DM you a picture.”
“Yeah, okay, Goblin King, we’ll get right on that.”
p. 440 – Star Wars Grand Admiral Thrawn Mini-Bust:
“Hey, Bill, I don’t remember any of the guys in
Avatar looking like that.”
“IT’S NOT FROM…sigh, never mind.”
p. 452 – Doctor Who Dalek Head Torch Booklight:
Affixing a light to your kid’s head with a strap that reads “EXTERMINATE!” Sure, why not. And why this isn’t a representation of a Dalek eyestalk, I have no idea, aside from kids probably having to hold their books out at arm’s length for the light to be used properly.
p. 460 – Star Wars Collector’s Watches:
Designs include Darth Vader (breathes heavily instead of ticks), Stormtrooper (time’s never quite on target), and Boba Fett (alarm mode: screams once, falls off your wrist). NOT SHOWN: the Chewbacca design (just completely covered in hair).
p. 479 – Doctor Who Sonic Screwdriver Toothbrush:
Man, that one year where the Doctor regenerated into a toothbrush was really weird. And let’s face it, his tiny toothbrush companion was really just gilding the lily.
p. 495 – Firefly The Game:
Sadly, no one ever wins because the game always gets cancelled a few moves in.
p. 497 – Monopoly My Little Pony Edition Boxed Game:
Do not pass GO…no, really, don’t pass GO, there’s a bunch of adult male Bronies there, I don’t want you hanging out with them.
p. 497 – Monopoly Power Rangers 20th Anniversary Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do not be amazed that this thing’s been goin’ on for twenty freakin’ years.
p. 497 – Monopoly Skylanders Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do not…um, look, I don’t know what the hell this is. I’m old.
Marvel Previews p. 70 – Wolverine In The Flesh #1:
“Reality star Chris Cosentino tells a tale about Wolverine and food like only a Top Chef Master can!”
Hey, maybe they can get Stan what’s-his-name from that Who Wants to Be A Superhero reality show to write a comic for them next!
It seems like I just fell off the last Diamond Previews and here I am, being encouraged to jump back on and ride the new Previews lest I be scared of it in the future. So let’s take a peek and see what the April 2013 edition has in store for us…grab your copy and follow along:
p. 99 – Superman #21:
So Hector Hammond is still paralyzed, right? Does he use his vast mental powers to control others in order to maintain his sweet mustache? “SLICK THE MUSTACHE TENDRILS, MY HELPLESS PUPPET.”
…I’m going to guess this won’t be covered in this issue of Superman.
p. 105 – Batman The Dark Knight #21:
“The grand finale to the origin of the Mad Hatter is here….” What, already? I guess we had to wrap that up quickly to make room for the forthcoming 24-part RETURN OF THE
MANIKIN.
p. 122 – Justice League Dark #21:
“Guest-starring the Flash and Swamp Thing!” …Surely there is no more magical phrase than this.
p. 232 – The Walking Dead Action Figures Series 2:
“The Governor’s Daughter Zombie (Penny) features 12 points of articulation and includes a bucket of fresh body parts (severed leg, severed foot, severed hand, intestines, heart & Rick’s severed hand) and a fish tank with trophy heads.”
There must have been a time when a product like this would have made me pause for a moment and wonder just what the world had come to. But now I just think “I bet we can sell a few of these” and plan orders accordingly.
p. 261 – Archie #645:
Hmmm…which cover should I order more of for the shop? Which one? This sure is a headscratcher.
p. 393 – Man of Steel The Official Novelization MMPB:
“What was I supposed to do?” Clark asked plaintively. “Let ’em die?”
Pa Kent stared off into the distance. “Maybe,” he replied curtly.
IF PA KENT JUST STOPS IT THERE AND WALKS OFF, LEAVING CLARK TO THINK THAT PERHAPS HE SHOULD JUST LET PEOPLE DIE TO PROTECT HIS SECRET IDENTITY IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION TO EVERY PORTRAYAL OF PA KENT EVER, TURN TO PAGE 221
IF PA KENT ACTUALLY HAS MORE TO SAY TO PROVIDE SUPPORT TO CLARK IN HIS TIME OF SELF-DOUBT, AND ACTUALLY DOESN’T THINK CLARK SHOULD JUST LET PEOPLE DIE, DESPITE THE MOVIE TRAILER BEING EDITED TO IMPLY THAT’S HIS ENTIRE RESPONSE, TURN TO PAGE 278
p. 414 – The Walking Dead Comic “The Governor” Black T-shirt:
“Who’s that?”
“The Governor.”
“Which governor?”
“You know, the bad guy from The Walking Dead.”
“That doesn’t look like him.”
“It’s the comic book version.”
“…There’s a comic book?”
p. 419 – Walking Dead One-Eyed Zombie Metal Bottle Opener:
So the trend here is to incorporate a more and more elaborate hole in the bottle opener design, like the eye in the zombie above, or Ghost Rider’s mouth here in the bottle opener from page 422:
Okay, so here’s your money maker, Internet: Goatse bottle opener. You’re welcome. Also, if you don’t know, don’t Google it.
p. 426 – DC Classic TV 1966 Batman Moment Action Figure 2-Packs:
Oh my goodness, action figures recreating the famous wall-climbing sequences from the 1960s Batman TV show! Now all I need are action figures for Sammy Davis Jr, Colonel Klink, Dick Clark, Sam Stone, the Carpet King, Art Linkletter, the Green Hornet and Kato, Don Ho, Suzy Knickerbocker, Edward G. Robinson, Jerry Lewis, Jose Jimenez, Santa Claus, and Lurch, and I can recreate all the window cameo scenes!
p. 428 – Skeptical Rice Buddy 11″ Plush:
This grain of rice isn’t putting up with any of your homeopathy or “psychic” powers nonsense. And you should see the beard on the James Randi Rice Buddy.
p. 447 – Star Wars Business Card Holders Han Solo & R2-D2:
“Please…take my card.”
“Sure…whoa! That’s a sweet business card holder, Your Holiness!”
p. 455 – Doctor Who Mugs:
This kind of reminds me of when you see an old, dry snail shell…hollow, depressingly empty. Clearly this mug is just Davros’ chair with old, dried up Davros scraped out it.
p. 461 – Star Wars Tie-Fighter Webcam:
NEW FOR YOUR TIE FIGHTERS: TIE-NUTZ! SHOW THE REBELS YOU’VE GOT BALLS WITH THIS HILARIOUS SPACE SHIP ACCESSORY!
p. 492 – Monopoly The Walking Dead Survival Edition PX Board Game:
“Go to Jail. Spend the Entirety of Season Three in Jail.”
Marvel Previews p. 10 – Age of Ultron #10:
Maybe they should have polybagged every news story, Twitter feed and website that’s already revealed the shocking surprise ending a week ago.
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