Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ November 28th, 2013 § Filed under End of Civilization § 8 Comments

Happy Thanksgiving to all you folks who celebrate such things, and Happy Thursday to everyone else…but regardless of how you spend your last Thursday in November, let us all come together and pay tribute to the most inevitable of events…the End of Civilization, as represented in the fine items offered for sale in the latest Diamond Previews catalog. Wipe that turkey off your fingers, swallow that last bit of green bean casserole, and follow along in your own copy of the December 2013 Previews as we learn what to expect in The World That’s Coming! And there may be a gratuitous Arlo Guthrie reference in there, too:

p. 150 – Justice League War Action Figures – Wonder Woman:

Relive the exciting moment in the Justice League War animated movie when Wonder Woman’s head was zapped by Brainiac’s shrink gun!

p. 154 – Superman Pool Cues:

This will go nicely with my Green Arrow dartboard, my Batman Family foosball table, my Black Canary Karaoke set, my Royal Flush Gang Video Poker machine, and of course my Mr. Freeze air hockey game.

p. 158 – The X-Files Conspiracy: TMNT:

I swear to God, I keep imagining the next X-Files movie as a crossover with the live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, and there’s a scene with Gillian Anderson exchanging dialogue with a dude in a Raphael costume and how sad is it that this will never happen. (But then again, the way things are going, never say never.)

p. 164 – Judge Dredd Mega City Two #2:

I am vacillating between “I totally want this to actually be what’s under Dredd’s helmet” and “even ‘censored’ seeing a pic of Dredd without his helmet like this feels so very wrong.”

Also, even stripped to his judgement-shorts, Dredd is never…unarmed, apparently.

p. 253 – Bat Fighter T-Shirt:

Okay, I get this is supposed to be a parody of the Batman logo, but honestly, it just looks like a straight-up Star Wars t-shirt. Not joking, not criticizing, just genuinely curious…how much grief does this company get over these only-just-barely-a-parody items from the actual owners of the properties?

p. 267 – Crossed Badlands #33 Blazing Hot 4 Cover Set:

Well, could have been worse…Avatar could have followed DC’s lead and combined these covers into a single lenticular image.

p. 376 – Doctor Who White Ghosts Audio CD:

Someone out there is desperately waiting for the audio adventures of The Curator, since a cute homage to the past from the recent Doctor Who 50th anniversary special obviously just can’t be left alone.

p. 389 – DIY Create Your Own Trading Card Set:

“At last, my Polar Bear Eating Vanilla Ice Cream in a Snowstorm trading card set is here!”

p. 394 – Star Wars Yoda Backpack Sand T-Shirt:


Related: all Yoda-in-backpack images pale in comparison to the greatest Yoda-in-backpage picture of them all.

p. 394 – Mephisto Red Heather T-Shirt:

Okay, all I can figure is that at this point, they’re just randomly picking comics to put on t-shirts. I mean, how did that get onto a shirt before this cover?

p. 394 – The Punisher Pixel Punisher Logo Black T-Shirt:

“IT’S TOO DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE, TAKE THIS.” [old man hands over full run of Punisher Armory]

p. 404 – My Little Pony “Rainbow Dash Face” Men’s Boxer Shorts:

I find the unfortunate boxer-flap abuse potential of this particular item to be…upsetting.

p. 411 – Alien Metal Bottle Opener:

Remember when the Alien was this mysterious and terrifying creature, of whom you were only able to see fleeting glimpses in the film you were probably too young to be watching anyway? …The mystery is pretty much gone, is what I’m saying.

p. 430 – The Twilight Zone Mystic Seer Replica (Red Version):

Yeah, okay, another high-priced prop replica for an old TV show, whatev….

“Complete with napkin holder and menu holder….”

Hmm. That’s nice, I guess.

“…It features a working coin mechanism and can act as a bank.”

Whoa. Keep talking.

“It even dispenses ‘fortunes!'”

Okay, I think I’m sold, but I’m not sure. Seer, will I buy your prop replica?

Oh, right.

p. 431 – Batman Arkham City Nightwing Arsenal 1/1-Scale Replica:

I feel like I’m missing out on Swamp Thing weapon replicas. Like, where are my replica Swamp Thing Hallucinogenic Tubers? (Ends up being a box full of plastic potatoes.)

As for this particular item, the set includes this:

…a letter to Dick Grayson from his mother, which ends with “We just got confirmation on the Gotham Show. How Exciting!”

How depressing, I think you mean.

p. 444 – Doctor Who Eleventh Doctor 15-Inch Talking Plush with LED Light:

And what he says is “whoa, whoa, WHOA, watch your hand there, buddy!”

p. 444 – Doctor Who 24″ TARDIS Plush with Lights and Sound:

NOT A SEX TOY. Hopefully. No hanky-panky in the TARDIS, but with the TARDIS…well, whatever you do in your own home, and all that.

p. 446 – Doctor Who Dalek Mr. Potato Head:

The Daleks as they are scared kids into hiding behind the couch. If they looked like this, Doctor Who would’ve scared kids into therapy.

p. 487 – Monopoly Wizard of Oz 75th Anniversary Edition:

Do not pass GO, do not pay any attention to the man behind the curtain.

Marvel Previews p. 4 – Fantastic Four #1:

Presumably related to Fin Fang Foom, the famous Marvel Monster. Or maybe you’ve heard of his other lesser known cousins, like Ding Dang Doom, Ring Rang Room, or Big Bang Boom.

I can make up these names all day. I’m not proud. Or tired.

8 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Snark Shark says:

    “Wonder Woman”

    she’s all legs- but not in a GOOD way!

    “DIY Create Your Own Trading Card Set”

    they’re selling BLANK CARDBOARD!

    “Monopoly Wizard of Oz 75th Anniversary Edition”

    it’s all fun and games until you’re attacked by flying monkeys!

  • ExistentialMan says:

    Dear Twilight Zone Mystic Seer Replica,

    Did Mike intentionally place the Alien bottle opener solicit directly below My Little Pony Boxer Shorts for humorous effect?


  • Harvey Jerkwater says:

    I’m trying to imagine the idea behind the “Crossed Badlands” #33 cover, and all I can picture is two guys discussing how dousing a woman in gasoline and setting her on fire is so sexy. I’m also trying to imagine what the [REDACTED] is wrong with those [ALSO REDACTED] and their [THIS ONE’S JUST GRATUITOUS] and the way they [OKAY, THAT’S QUITE AN IMAGE]. Also, fuck them.

    Sometimes hating the human race just feels like the right decision, y’know?

    The Rainbow Dash boxer shorts help confirm this. “WHEN I GET WOOD, DASHY KNOWS!” Yeeg.

  • Crowded House says:

    So when’s the Aquaman water polo set coming out?

  • kid nicky says:

    The boxer flap is there because your junk is about to get twenty percent cooler!!!

    Happy thanksgiving Mike!

  • The “Alice’s Restaurant” reference at the end made me very happy.

  • Casie says:

    The Swamp Thing Hallucinogenic Tubers ending up being a box full of plastic potatoes is words making magic!
    Always so funny & entertaining, Mike! :)

  • Tristan says:

    I would wholly support a ‘curator’ series of audio stories on the condition they’re all produced by the following method: Tom Baker, provided with at absolute most a single paragraph plot summary, improvises in front of a microphone for two hours.