Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Here I am, rocking you like a hurry-can once again with yet another look at what treasures await us in the not-too-distant future in the latest issue of Diamond Previews. Grab your copy of the February 2014 edition and follow along…and please enjoy the joke I totally stole from Mr. Show (video link maybe NSFW):
p. 76 – Conan the Avenger #1:
Man, Marvel’s ongoing Avengers title-creep has gone too far, too far I say.
p. 85 – Marvel Classic Character X-Men #94 #2 – Wolverine:
He’s the best at what he does, and what he does…is, well, look kind of creepy.
p. 140 – Graphic Ink The DC Comics Art of Frank Quitely HC:
Well, hello to you, too, Robin.
p. 141 – Watchmen TP New Edition:
“Watchmen TP the ‘Sorry Alan and Dave, We’re Going to Hold onto the Ownership of This Comic for a Bit Longer’ Edition.”
p. 261 – Heisenborg T-Shirt and Breaking Borg T-Shirt:
Oh, I don’t know.
p. 431 – Batman ’66 Boxers:
Friends, if you’re with that special someone, and you doff your street clothes and reveal these beneath, there is no possible way your evening will not be filled with more intimate romance than you’ve ever thought possible.
Also, I considered making a “Bat-pole” joke, but let’s not drag these thoughts of love into the gutters.
p. 449 – Hanna Barbera Captain Caveman 3-inch Action Figure:
This is just one of those instances where I scan an item out of Previews for, if not no particular reason, then only for the slightest of reasons, in this case those crazy thick, black “hairs” sticking out of his face and head, and I don’t have any kind of joke or anything, I just wish to compel you to gaze upon that terrible visage and those dark, twisty strands that beckon to you.
p. 453 – Mr. Potato Head: Marvel’s Spider-Man:
Oh, come on. “Spuder-Man.” It’s right there! C’MON!
p. 457 – Star Trek Tribble Mama Plush:
Just wondering if in the Star Trek world the larger Tribbles were hollowed out and used for hats or toupees? “Um, Jean-Luc, what’s that on your h–” “LOOK, MY HEAD WAS COLD, OKAY?”
p. 472 – Marvel Comics Juggernaut – Danger Room Session – Fine Art Statue:
Well, I don’t know about you, but my definition of “fine art” has been adjusted accordingly.
p. 486 – Doctor Who British Icon 12-Inch Dalek:
“WARNING: MAY BE TOO BRITISH FOR SOME BRITISH PEOPLE.”
p. 491 – Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes Play Arts ~KAI~: Snake:
Finally, I thought they’d never do an action figure of David Hasslefoff from the Nick Fury TV movie! …Wait, what? It’s not? Well, damn.
p. 500 – Sailor Moon Moon Stick Proplica:
First: “proplica?” Second:
Just sayin’.
p. 501 – Godzilla vs. Mothra: Mothra S.H.MonsterArts Figure:
At first glance, I thought the picture was of a throw rug, and oh, can you imagine my disappointment.
p. 506 – DC Comics Zombie String Dolls:
p. 507 – The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Skellington Goblet:
Indiana Jones closely studies the array of goblets, large and small, ornate and plain, that are spread out before him, as Elsa and the Old Knight watch.
Suddenly, Indiana reaches out and grabs the Jack Skellington Goblet. He dips it into the water, then takes a deep drink from the skeletal chalice. A great cry goes out, as all the inhabitants from Halloweentown emerge from the shadows and celebrate Indiana’s success. The Mayor’s head spins around to its happy visage and declares today to be Indiana Jones Day!
“You have chosen…wisely,” intones the Old Knight, as Lock, Shock and Barrel chase each other around his legs.
p. 528 – Scooby-Doo! Wrestlemania Mystery Blu-Ray & DVD:
Oh, give me a break. Surely by now everyone knows how fake this is! I mean, honestly, who thinks talking dogs are real?
Marvel Previews p. 3 – Amazing Spider-Man #1:
“Returns?” I had no idea Batman had left.
My local grocery store has a vending machine with…uh…”non-zombie” DC string dolls. They are only slightly less terrifying.
I had no idea Batman had left.
Shots fired.
Good lord! [Monocle falls into tea.] The St Patrick’s cross on that Dalek chappy is bally symmetrical! That’s certainly not cricket. Poor show all round, what?
I like how you go for the Batman joke instead of the Swamp Thing joke here. The judges award it a full 10, except for the Russian judge who awards it a 6.
“rocking you like a hurry-can”
“HERE I AM!! ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!!! C’MON C’MON!!”
” Marvel Classic Character X-Men #94 #2 – Wolverine”
he looks a little too HAPPY to have those claws out!
“Well, hello to you, too, Robin”
indeed! MILEY CYRUS as Robin!
“Batman ’66 Boxers”
I kind of want the Joker one.
“Amazing Spider-Man #1″
AGAIN.
annnnnnnnnnnnd THIS is why I’m cynical.
” the Russian judge ”
the russian judge is ALWAYS a dick!
I wish it were a Mothra throw rug. I’d save up my yen for it.
There’s no point in making art any more. The height of sophistication has been reached with Scooby-Doo Meets Wrestlemania. Hey, you think the next X-Files crossover will be Mulder and Scully investigating Scooby-Doo??
Wolverine looks like he’s calling the viewer Tiger and letting said viewer know that they just hit the jackpot.
The Quitley Robin piece is… IDEK.
Seriously, who won’t call that potato head “Spuder-Man”.
And before I got to the title, I wondered about that Hasselhoff statue too. Hopes dashed again. Sigh………
Huh. I wondered if they would ever make a Scooby-Doo movie that I COULD NOT BRING MYSELF to watch. And I think that might be the one.
My eyes are crying bats at that Jack Skellington bit! So very funny, Mike!
I’d wonder who could possibly be interested in a Scooby Doo-pro wrestling crossover, but… I listen to War Rocket Ajax.
“Quick, Robin! The Bat-Boxers!”
“I anticipated your scheme Joker, so I prepared myself by donning my Bat-Boxers under my costume.”
“Holy Underoos, Batman!”
I want a pair of those so damn bad I can’t stand it!
Man, did you see those TARDIS boxers from a couple “Previews” ago? The sheer number of “Bigger on the inside” jokes those would’ve provoked make me fully understand why Lorena Bobbit did what she did.
Also, that Wolverine becomes 40% creepier if you imagine he’s trying to lure one of his teen girl proteges into a van for some special mutant candy.
And, yeah, they started using the term “Proplica” about 2 months ago. It’s not going away.
P.S. C’mon, Dave, that’s clearly not a Hasselhoff Fury: It says “Snake”. It’s an Escape from L.A. Statue!