Mike Sterling's Progressive RuinWhere legends live since 1969

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ September 26th, 2013 § Filed under End of Civilization § 11 Comments

DC’s 3D cover shenanigans didn’t kill me, but the End of Civilization may yet finish me off, as we go through the October 2013 edition of Diamond Previews and see what horrors await in the not too distant future. So, grab your copy, either in physical form or that newfangled digital format that all you kids are into, and follow along:

p. 89 – Justice League 3000 #1:

Well, this certainly looks more inviting than Kevin Maguire’s version. Maybe they can just keep putting out the same first issue, drawn by a new artist every time. It can be like their tryout comic for new talent. Assuming any new talent still wants to enter this industry.

p. 110 – Batwoman #26:

Whew, interesting things were happening in this comic for a while now…thank goodness DC editorial put a stop to that!

p. 124 – Villains Month 3-D Motion Complete Set:

Only $199.99, or approximately the cost of what a copy of the 3-D Joker’s Daughter issue is going for right now.

p. 155 – Star Trek Annual 2013:

I would pay one American dollar if this fotocomic were to slowly morph the faces of the main characters from their Classic ’60s Era to their Reboot versions. “Spock, you’re…smoother. Less craggy. What’s…happened…to us?”

p. 333 – Down Set Fight!:

What th–!? A graphic novel? Written by Chris Sims? Now I know Previews‘s standards have fallen, when something like this takes up valuable space that could have been used to solicit orders for farting animal dolls, or vinyl figurines of Japanese bikini women in uncomfortable poses. CIVILIZATION…HAS TRULY ENDED.

p. 374 – Carl Lungren Rock Posters of the Psychedelic Era HC:

Man, She-Hulk got up to some weird stuff.

p. 375 – Marvel’s Avengers The Ultimate Character Guide HC:

And now, descriptions of characters that will never appear in Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..

p. 375 – DC Comics The Ultimate Character Guide HC:

And now, descriptions of characters that will probably be rebooted before you finish reading said descriptions.

p. 393 – Breaking Bad Trading Cards:

“Mom, the blue gum from this trading card pack tastes funny.”

p. 405 – Swamp Thing Organic T-Shirt:

DAMMIT. I’m pretty close to having Swamp Thing t-shirts for every day of the week, with the downside of I ALMOST NEVER WEAR T-SHIRTS. DC, please, just one Swamp Thing dress-up shirt. Long sleeves, button-down collar, big picture of Swamp Thing on the back…you know, like that.

p. 407 – DC Heroes Supergirl and Batgirl Pajama Sets:

Well, sure, after all those pictures of men in sexy men’s pajamas that have run in Previews over the years, it’s about time we got some purty ladies posing in the mag. It’s only fair.

…Wait. What?

p. 409 – Doctor Who TARDIS 1-Piece Pajamas:

“Wow, it’s bigger on the inside!”

“Are…are you saying I’m fat?”

“What? No! You know, the TV show, ‘bigger on the inside,’ what they always say about the TARDIS?”

“GET OUT. GET OUT NOW.”

p. 432 – Simpsons 25th Anniversary 24-Inch Jumbo Plushies:

“Is there any way we can make these dolls look creepier?” “How about some underlighting?” “JIMMY, MY BOY, GIVE YOURSELF A RAISE.”

p. 438 – Nightmare on Elm Street Video Game Freddy Krueger Action Figure:

An action figure based on an ’80s video game based on a pretty-much done horror film fad. …That more or less sums up Previews merchandise right there.

p. 442 – James Bond Breathers Evolution Replica Set:

“As a Navy Commander, James Bond is well versed in the sub-aquatic and has used numerous underwater gadgets in his five decades onscreen, two of the most famous being the ‘Breathers’ seen originally in 1965’s Thunderball, and then revisited in a revised form in 2002’s Die Another Day. While not the same prop, they share a common heritage and this set showcases their evolution. Both replicas in one set designed to honor and celebrate the art of the 007 film prop! Issued to Bond in the Bahamas, the Thunderball prop is famously used by 007 to infiltrate Largo’s lair through the shark infested pool. With direct homage to Thunderball, Bond is issued an updated version of the breather in Die Another Day. The Factory Entertainment Breather Evolution Set prop replicas were created after exhaustive and careful study of surviving props in the EON Productions archives and reference materials such as blueprints, photographs and reference documents. Both replicas come with a museum quality display stand, acrylic cover, numbered limited edition plaque, Certificate of Authenticity, and detailed prop story booklet.”

Well, I’m convinced. If you don’t have one of these in your home, you might as well just drop dead right now from shame.

p. 443 – The Twilight Zone Henry Bemis Book Replica:

Fake books and a pair of glasses that come with stickers to make them look broken. Not quite a wooden stake replica, but within spittin’ distance.

p. 445 – Star Wars Life-Size Vintage Stormtrooper Monument:

Let’s see, a few of these, some life size Ugnaughts, a life-size Boba Fett, a life-size Darth Vader, put ’em togther with my life-size Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite statue, and my Empire Strikes Back backyard diorama will be complete! I’ll be the envy of the neighborhood!

p. 478 – Doctor Who Fourth Doctor Monitor Mate Bobblehead:

Well, sure, who wouldn’t want that staring back at them from the top of their computer monitors?

“WHAT WEBSITE ARE YOU LOOKING AT? DON’T LOOK AT THAT WEBSITE! THAT WEBSITE IS NAUGHTY! I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU”

aaaaaah please don’t punish me fourth doctor bobblehead

p. 484 – Dexter Spatter Analyst Bobblehead:

It bobbled normally until the Dexter finale aired, and now it just slowly shakes its head back and forth, back and forth.

p. 489 – The Walking Dead Billfold Wallets:

“Yeah, well, the funny thing is, I don’t have any money to put into my new Walking Dead wallet after spending it all on Walking Dead merchandise. O. HENRY, THE IRONY”

p. 489 – The Wizard of Oz Wicked Witch 20-Inch Leg Lamp:

“More like the CHEECH WIZARD of Oz, amirite?”

…I’m very sorry.

p. 490 – Cthulhu 4-Piece Pin Set:

“Keep calm and…’cthulhu f’htagn?’ Are you making fun of people who have fits?” “What? No, you see, there’s this monster….” “You’re saying people who have fits are monsters?” “Sigh.”

…This has been another installment of NERD PROBLEMS. Please tune in next week when our hero tries to explain why all those shower scenes in anime are important.

Marvel Previews p. 12-13 – Avengers #24.NOW:

Oh what the c**k is this s**t.