There it was just a-walkin’ down the street, singin’ “Do wah diddy diddy dum Diamond Comics” — it’s the newest installment of the End of Civilization, seemingly closer than ever, so bust out your copy of the July 2018 Diamond Previews and follow along while there’s still time:
p. 44 – Bully Wars #1:
PRIVATE BULLY L.S. BULL REPORTING FOR DUTY and maybe some hot dogs, SIR:
p. 100 – Stranger Things #1:
For the full 1980s nostalgia effect, this comic should be in black and white, guest-star Concrete and/or Boris the Bear, and feature plenty of Tom Peterson references.
p. 104 – Mystery Science Theater 3000 #1:
Now if, TV’s Frank forbid, this particular issue turns out to not be any good, will a future issue of the Mystery Science Theater comic feature Jonah and the ‘bots riffing over pages from the first issue? And if that issue doesn’t work out, the next issue riffs over that issue? Just endless recursion…maybe the Overstreet Price Guide’s first “infinity contents” notation.
p. 147 – Star Trek Vs. Transformers #1:
If the Enterprise doesn’t transform into a giant robot at some point during this series, I’m calling my congressperson.
p. 154 – Batman/The Maxx #1:
Ah, I can’t wait to hear all the people who see this on the shelf start reminiscing about how they used to get high and watch Batman and the Maxx on MTV back in the day.
p. 178 – From Hell Master Edition #1:
Wait, a colorized version of From Hell? This is going to just wreck the market for the From Hell coloring books I’m, um, totally not printing up in the back of my shop.
p. 196 – Vampirella/Dejah Thoris #1:
“Hey, Dejah, why are we both dressed like this?”
“You know, Vampi, I feel like this is just pure titillation.”
“Well, let’s do something about it!”
VAMPIRELLA/DEJAH THORIS: THE EVENING GOWN AGENDA #1, COMING SOON
p. 311 – Garfield Complete Works Volume 1 1978-1979 TP:
I can’t believe a comic strip about our 20th President has been running for so long. I’m just afraid some of the political humor from the earlier volumes will seem a bit dated. Here’s hoping for annotations!
p. 311 – Guide to Groot A Sound Book HC:
Look, there’s only one way this can go, which can’t possibly be what they do with it, but the solicitation text sort of implies it, but there’s got to be other stuff mixed in, like general sound effects and such, but I would love nothing more than if each sound button on this book was just “I AM GROOT” in slightly different inflections. I mean, that’s what it has to be, right?
p. 332 – Lego Star Wars Ideas Book:
…And a lot of those ideas involve dudes making Star Wars Lego adventures with no girls in them. Hey, it’s a better use of their time than petitions or manifestos no one at Lucasfilm/Disney will ever take seriously ever.
p. 333 – DC Super Heroes: Super Heroes Say Please! Board Book:
“Ma’am, may I rip off your head and kick it around like a hacky sack, please?”
“Oh my, this young Lobo gentleman is so polite!”
p. M109 – Universal Monsters Dracula 1 Inch Punk Pin:
Not many people recall Dracula’s short stint as the drummer for False Confession, but we old-timers remember.
DC Previews p. 48 – Scooby-Doo Team-Up #42:
It’s the all-gorilla Scooby-Doo Team-Up issue! Finally, the shocking sequel to the all-gorilla Swamp Thing annual:
Marvel Previews p. 2 – Return of Wolverine #1:
What, he was gone? How can we miss you when you won’t go away?
Special thanks to the bulliest of all bulls, Bully the Little Stuffed Bull, and his pal John for their assistance. Plus, happy 7th birthday to Bully!
HO HO HO! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone! Let’s see what presents jolly ol’ Saint Nick is bringing us in his giant sack of goodies by looking in the newest Diamond Previews catalog, June edi–wait, hold on.
…
Er…happy summer, everyone, I think? Follow along in your June 2018 Previews and let’s see what we can expect in…the fall? I mean, some of this stuff may show up around Christmastime, right? Anyway, here we go…and I apologize in advance to my Italian videogame plumber friends:
p. 48 – The Walking Dead Comic Book Box:
“Wow, a box to hold all our Blu-ray sets! This is really neat!”
p. 94 – Super Mario Bros. Encylopedia HC:
“Remember-a me, Mario? I had a report due on space-a!”
p. 227 – Peanuts Dell Archive HC:
Look, it’s worth it just to get this story on nice paper:
Saved for future generations! Read it to your grandkids!
p. 261 – Casper’s Capers #1:
This here website is no stranger to questioning the semi-physicality of the unquiet spirits of Harvey Comics (for example). Granted, Casper isn’t shown actually eating anything here, so perhaps the ghosts of the Harvey Universe wander the earth, torturing themselves with memories of their long-lost ability to enjoy the taste of food, lustfully gazing upon that which is forever denied them, their desire never sated. I mean, as far as Casper goes. Hot Stuff’s nature as a “demon” is presumably not as phantasmal as Casper’s, and thus can eat things like cake, and souls, and, you know, whatever.
p. 296 – Star Wars Cookbook: Han Sandwiches & Other Galactic Snacks HC:
Whoever came up with “Han Sandwiches” deserves an award, followed by some jail time. Also, are the iconic Wookiee-ookies (as namechecked in the Star Wars Holiday Special) present in this volume? If not, then GOOD DAY, SIR.
p. 236 – DC Comics Anatomy of a Metahuman HC:
Boy, remember when we had to dissect actual metahumans in our high school biology classes? Now it’s all “computer simulations” and such and you kids have it so easy today.
p. 328 – Doctor Cthulittle Illustrated Novella HC:
DOIN’ TIME NEXT TO THE “HAN SANDWICHES” PERSON.
p. M17 – Muppets Action Figures Swedish Chef Deluxe Gift Set:
…Okay, not really a joke as such, but it’s been stuck in my head since coming across this issue at the shop, and, well, there you go.
DC Previews p. 2 – Sandman Universe #1:
THE DEBUT OF THE SANDMAN’S NEW ARMOR COSTUME, WITH THE GIANT BOOTS AND FANCY CUFFS AND THE HIGH NECK COLLAR…well, okay sometimes he actually has the high neck collar, look, let me make my incredibly timely New 52 Superman costume joke.
DC Previews p. 38 – Injustice Vs. The Masters of the Universe #2:
Swamp Thing’s in it. …SIGH.
DC Previews p. 52 – Scooby-Doo Team-Up #41:
Someone inform Overstreet we’ve got a new bondage cover to be singled out in the price guide listings.
DC Previews p. 87 – Titans Book One Together Forever TP & Titans Vol. 4 Titans Apart TP:
Well, that escalated quickly.
DC Previews p. 88 – Watchmen DC Modern Classics Edition HC:
Finally, DC’s come up with the perfect reprint format for All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. I expect this in the solicitations soon, DC .
Marvel Previews p. 12 – Fantastic Four #1:
“At last Marvel is bringing back the Fantastic Four! Surely they’ve come up with a new sales strategy to encourage readers to pick up a title that, over the last few years, has had trouble finding an audience!”
[sees $5.99 price tag on #1]
“Well, better luck next time.”
Marvel Previews p. 192 – Star Wars Beckett #1:
Finally, I can find out how much all my Star Wars trading cards are worth.
Marvel Previews p. 135 – Iron Man 2020 TPB (New Printing):
Couldn’t wait, like, another year and a half, could they.
Here it is, the May 2018 Diamond Previews, now in the convenient four-booklet format (not counting the separate Customer Order Form), now that DC Previews is its own book now! Look forward to the near future, when Dark Horse and IDW and Dynamite and every one each gets their own individually-bound catalog, all wrapped up inside an otherwise empty Previews wraparound folder! The future is coming, and it’s unnecessarily convoluted, just how you like it! Follow along in your own copy, best as you can, as I try to keep the page numbers straight on the following items:
p. 91 – The Walking Dead 15th Anniversary Pin:
Celebrating the 15th anniversary of the comic book based on the TV show!
p. 103 – Xerxes: The Fall of the House of Darius and the Rise of Alexander #4:
This prequel to the Lawnmower Man movie is getting pretty freaky.
p. 124 – Mystery Science Theater 3000 Coasters:
No joke here…just hoping for as much Mystery Science Theater 3000 merchandise as Dark Horse can produce. Maybe someday I’ll get that throwpillow I always wanted based on the alien that eats Crow in this clip:
p. 180 – Elvira Mistress of the Dark #1:
“I can think of two great reasons to buy this co–”
“Mike.”
“What?”
“You can’t keep going to the ‘Elvira’s breasts’ joke well every single time. It’s hacky.”
“SIR. I will have you know the two things I was talking about were ‘art’ and ‘story,’ THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”
“Mm hmm.”
“…Okay, and breasts, fine.”
p. 260 – Trump Trading Cards Uncut Sheet:
There better not be any jokes on these…that would be inappropriate and cruel!
p. 309 – Marvel Studios 101 All Your Questions Answered HC:
GUY BEING FUNNY: “Oh, all my questions, huh? Okay, what is the meaning of life? Where do babies come from? Magnets, how do they work? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? HAR HAR.”
MARVEL STUDIOS, BEING FUNNIER: “I am Groot! I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot!”
p. 320 – The Adventure Zone Volume 1 Here There Be Gerblins GN:
And now…CUTTING EDGE MEME HUMOR:
My apologies to everybody.
p. 398 – Tank Girl Coloring Book:
Hey man, I was coloring in Tank Girl in old Deadline magazines before it was cool.
p. 450 – Urotsukidoji Legend of the Overfiend:
Hey, kids…tentacles!
p. M22 – Marvel Movie Gallery Black Panther Version 2 PVC Diorama:
Glad to see Black Panther finally achieving his full potential by becoming the new Ghost Rider.
p. M53 – Pop! Directors Guillermo Del Toro Vinyl Figure:
Better bust out your Elder Things Pops and act out your own At The Mountains of Madness with your del Toro figure because that’s probably the only way it’s happening.
p. M53 – Coming to America Vinyl Figures:
Looking forward to the Art Buchwald Pop!
p. M60 – Pop! Smallville Vinyl Figures:
…but not holding my breath for the Chloe Sullivan Pop.
DC Previews p. 45 – Scooby-Doo Team-Up #40:
“I think you’ll find that ARCANE is the real culprit!” [Fred pulls giant yellow insect out of Matt Cable’s mouth]
Marvel Previews p. 6 – Amazing Spider-Man #1:
Get in on the ground floor of history with the first new Amazing Spider-Man #1 since…well, a couple of years back! Guaranteed to be a collectors item until the next Amazing Spider-Man #1 comes out!”
Marvel Previews p. 15 – Cosmic Ghost Rider #1:
Oh please please please let this be the next Nicholas Cage superhero movie.
Marvel Previews p. 20 – Death of the Inhumans #1:
In case the TV show wasn’t clue enough.
Marvel Previews p 125 .- Brute Force TPB:
Including the Power Pachyderms one-shot, in case Brute Force by itself hadn’t upped the ante enough in the “most unlikely comic to get into a trade paperback in the Year of Our Lord 2018” contest.
THE PAGE ORDER CHANGETH! The April 2018 edition of Diamond Previews has placed all the merchandise on the flip-side of the catalog, with pages numbered with an extra “M” in the corner. Presumably the “M” stands either for “merchandise” or for “Mike, enjoy doing your silly End of Civilization posts now, sucker!” Well, the joke’s on you, friend I’ve made up in my own head, because here I go with yet another installment of that thing what you named in the hypothetical declaration I’ve assigned to you in our imaginary discussion! So let us sally forth through the aforementioned Previews to see what’s coming our way, and be grateful no further changes, such as, say, removing DC’s listings from the main catalog and putting them into their own booklet, will ever be forthcoming:
p. 42 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 12 The Reckoning #1:
Apparently the beginning of the end of Dark Horse’s continuation of the TV show after its tenth and final season…until another publisher comes along with “remember how sad you were when that Buffy comic ended at Season 12? Well here comes Season 13, the continuation of the continuation!”
p. 61 – Hercules Adventures of the Man-God Archive HC:
Okay, let me sell you on on this book with this single scan:
I’ll be by my phone, awaiting your preorders. (And here’s more evidence, if you aren’t convinced.)
p. 80 – Hawkman #1:
…Okay, I won’t snark about yet another Hawkman series, because 1) I want a good, new Hawkman series, and 2) it’s not like a new #1 is going to stand out as unusual or anything anymore.
p. 81 – Justice League #1:
“Guys, c’mon, spread out a little? We’ve got plenty of space up in the sky here.”
p. 82 – Man of Steel #1:
Beginning the six-issue event series where the rest of the DC Universe tells Superman “okay, good, you’ve got your trunks back, now let’s do something about those cuffs.”
p. 102 – Damage #6:
“DAMMIT! We’re not reaching that prime Mike Sterling demographic! How can we pull them in? HOW!?”
“Uh, sir, I have a crazy plan that just…might…work.”
p. 147 – DC Gallery The Joker 1:1 Bust by Rick Baker:
Finally, just the right piece to finish decorating the nursery.
p. 148 – Doomsday Clock Rorschach and Mime Action Figure 2-Pack:
Okay, look…I’ve been trying to think of a way to get that Seymour action figure into circulation at long last. I thought maybe he could be a bonus figure in the Giant Alien Monster Playset but clearly that would be reserved for the Bernies. A New Frontiersman Playset seems unlikely, so Seymour’s toy debut may yet be a ways away. But I’ll think of something!
p. 157 – League of Extraordinary Gentlemen The Tempest #1:
Can the League defeat the menace of the Flippers and the Spikers without having to resort to the dreaded final measure of the Superzapper? Or will they need the assistance of the Black Widow, the pilot from Gravitar, and the Space Duelers to overcome the menace?
p. 252 – Charlie’s Angels #1:
Okay, start the countdown to either the Army of Darkness or Vampirella team-up. …C’mon, y’all know you want it.
p. 284 – Garfield Homecoming #1:
At long last Garfield is back in the Marvel Universe.
p. 339 – Barack Panther #1:
p. 346 – Fathom Primer:
I thought this time-travel movie was confusing before, but now it’s underwater? Sheesh.
p. 374 – Shit Is Real GN:
Just pointing out this title made it into Previews uncensored. Is this a milestone? I think it’s a milestone.
p. 455 – Comic Book Implosion:
THE SHOCKING REVELATION: if it weren’t for the DC Implosion, Killer Croc may not have been in the Suicide Squad movie. My reason for saying so is right here. EDIT: Literally woke up in the middle of the night and remembered Slipknot (the Firestorm villain, not the band) which, um, invalidates my Croc assumption, I suppose.
“Look, just don’t display me facing that creepy Joker bust from earlier. He creeps me out.”
p. M60 – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Triwizard Tournament Harry Version A Action Figure with Flash Wand:
So you can cheap out and get the figure that doesn’t have a light-up wand, or for just a few dollars more you get that full-on light-up action. As we learned from that one Iron Man statue a while back, nothin’ says “fine art” like “flashing LEDs.” …Okay, nobody was calling these Harry Potter figures fine art, but come on.
p. M77 – Sofubi Toy Box 018A Tyrannosaurus Figure:
After pages of “Cat Girl on Knees” and “Here Are Some Panties” figurines with elaborate titles tied in somehow to various anime releases, it’s nice to just have “here’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex figure, for no reason other than it’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex figure…enjoy.”
p. M94 – Harley Quinn Mad Love Juniors Cosmetic 2-Piece Set:
“Hey kids, want to be like the character in Mad Love who was openly and emotionally manipulated into an unhealthy relationsh–”
“MIKE.”
“Um…enjoy your Harley Quinn goodies, kids!”
p. M98 – Jurassic World Pez Dispensers:
By all rights, when you pop the heads back there should be a little soundchip that makes a roaring dinosaur sound. But sadly there isn’t, so you’re all on your own to pick up that slack. …Remember, do it every time.
Marvel Preview p. 104 – Generations TPB:
Ah, a collection of the series that had everyone asking “…how do these fit into Marvel continuity, exactly?” Maybe throwing the “Secret Wars” logo on there may have helped.
Because you demanded it! Well, because one of you demanded it! Okay, fine, because no one explicitly said “no, stop, don’t do this,” here is the new installment of the End of Civilization, presented by Progressive Ruin and Lucky Strike! “LSMFT!” Pull out your copy of the latest Diamond Previews (the February 2018 edition), smoke ’em if you got ’em, and follow along:
p. 136 – Final Crisis The 10th Anniversary Omnibus HC:
Oh, it’s been ten whole years since our “Final Crisis,” eh? …Then how do you explain THIS?
p. 214 – Son of Hitler HC:
“HELLO, SON.”
“Get out of here, Hate-Monger! You’re not my real dad!”
p. 219 – The Beef #4:
Look, issue #1 of The Beef has been on my new comics rack for a few days now, and not one person has come in to ask “Where’s The Beef?” I’m very disappointed.
p. 285 – The Tremendous Trump: She-Trump #1:
Just the other day I overheard some young folks observing the Trump comics I had on my shelf and wondering “are these pro-Trump or are they making fun of Trump” and I honestly have no idea.
p. 331 – Lady Death Naughtier Limited Edition Artbook HC:
Hey, kids…ass!
p. 456 – The Comic Book Story of Baseball GN:
Probably not explained inside: people coming in to comic shops to sell their baseball cards, and persisting even after it’s been made quite clear that no, the shop doesn’t deal in baseball cards, and no, we don’t want to buy them, and no, we don’t know who is, since it looks like everyone’s trying to sell off their cards and not actually buy any new ones and perhaps I’ve let my personal feelings slip into this item description.
p. 496 – Batman Deluxe Cowl & Illustrated Book Kit:
“This kit includes a 6-inch tall Batman cowl with illumination feature at the lenses.”
[high-pitched raspy voice] “I’M TINY BATMAN.” [eyelights rapidly blink on and off]
PENGUIN: “Yeah, I’m not feelin’ too terrified right now.”
p. 496 – Justice League The 100 Greatest Moments HC:
In honor of the recent passing of David Odgen Stiers, let future editions of this book include his appearance as the first live action version of the Martian Manhunter in the 1997 Justice League pilot:
“…93. Bad
95. Feeling
96. About
97. This
98. Power
99. Converter
And 100. Yippee.”
p. 502 – A History of Video Games in 64 Objects HC:
One of those objects had better be the Magic Dot from the Atari 2600 Adventure or there’s gonna be trouble.
p. 502 – I Am Gandhi: A Graphic Biography:
Let’s hope this is successful so that the sequel can get a comics adaptation as well:
p. 506 – Star Wars Insider #181:
Keepin’ that naked Jawa cover under wraps ’til the absolute last minute, eh, guys? Let’s be honest, that yellow banner is only barely covering his modesty.
p. 542 – Ghostbusters Egon Spengler Proton Pack Legacy Series Replica:
For only $2999.99, you can be the envy of people who wished they could just blow $2999.99 on something like this.
p. 572 – Justice League Batman Bearbrick:
“That’s it, I shall become a bat…! No, wait, not scary enough…what other animal can I mix in there to make myself even more terrifying?”
p. 572 – Peanuts Sally Bearbrick:
ṂὛ ṨẂἝἝҬ ϐᾋϐϐὋὋ Ἷ ἬᾋVἝ ṨȖƇἬ ṨἿƓἬҬṨ ҬὋ ṨἬὋẂ ὛὋȖ
p. 493 – Deadpool Monopoly:
“Heck, go ahead, pass GO! Pass whatever you want! There are no rules here! I’m wacky!”
Marvel Previews p. 28 – Amazing Spider-Man #800:
“The biggest Peter Parker/Norman Osborn story of all time unfolds over one 80-page story, a scope unmatched in comics!”
Here it is, straight off of my stove and delivered steaming hot onto your virtual plate…the latest installment of the End of Civilization, the longest-running regular comics blog feature in the history of comic blogs, which I’m totally saying without any research or confirmation whatsoever! Get out your copies of Diamond Previews, February 2018 edition, and follow along as we take a peek at the future that’s coming:
p. 46 – Xerxes The Fall of the House of Darius and the Rise of Alexander #1:
The Sin City prequel you never expected!
p. 82 – Action Comics #1000:
Sorry, all the ones where he’s not wearing the red trunks don’t count, so it’s still only like issue #905 or thereabouts. …Oh, wait, there were all the Electric Superman issues, too…I’ll have to get back to you on this.
p. 87 – The Terrifics #3:
Guest-starring Abelard Snazz, D.R. & Quinch, Skizz, and Halo Jones!
p. 151-3 – The New Teen Titans Starfire and Robin Multi-Part Statues:
A neat idea, where you buy individual statues that eventually approximate a specific published image, in this case the cover for the original New Teen Titans #1 from 1980:
…which is nice an’ all, but let me know when they start doing the same for this:
p. 158-9 – Sonic The Hedgehog #1-#4:
So will we get a reboot on the fan art, too, or will that weirdness just continue on as-is?
p. 251 et al. – Marvel Gallery Savage Land Rogue PVC Diorama:
I feel like this is really stretching the definition of “diorama?” I mean, I guess it’s technically correct, but not really in the diorama spirit. It does come in window box packaging, which would make it more diorama-ish I suppose. …Look, I’m just nitpicking this so I don’t think about how much of a problem it is for here to be so…uncovered when the barest touch of her skin could debilitate another person, lack of fashion options in the Savage Land or no.
…I know I’m like decades late to this argument.
p. 477 – 100 Things X-Men Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die SC:
OH MY GOD they’re all DYING? …Well, that would explain sales on the comics.
p. 486 – The Art of Ready Player One HC:
They finally found something to do with the unsold copies of the art books for Iron Giant and Lord of the Rings.
p. 487 – Harry Potter Talking Dobby with Book Kit:
“Master has given Dobby a book!”
Well, um, not exact–
“Master has also given Dobby a kit!”
Aren’t…aren’t you part of–?
“Master also gave Dobby this wonderful base for him to stand on!”
I’m pretty sure you’re just molded to–
“And look at this great box Master has given Dobby to stay in!”
IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN GET RID OF THE “TALKING” PART OF THIS TALKING DOBBY KIT
p. 487 – Star Trek Light & Sound Borg Cube Kit:
“The kit includes a light-up Borg cube with sound, display base, and 48-page book on the history of Borg cubes and full-color photos.”
“Here’s the Borg cube crossing the Delaware River…and here are some Borg cubes building the Sphinx…and here they are nailing the Ninety-Five Theses to the chapel door….”
“Boy, they’re really padding out this 48-page book, aren’t they?”
p. 494 – Mystery Science Theater 3000 Trading Cards Series One:
“All the sticks of gum packed with these cards taste funny.” “Oh, that’s what happened to the hamdingers!”
p. 499 – Ten Cents T-Shirt:
Why, I remember when comic book t-shirts were only a nickel!
p. 502 – We Bare Bears “Internet Famous” Oxford T-Shirt:
Finally, a shirt in Previews that’s just for me. Well, I’ll have to scribble the prefix “SEMI-” before “INTERNET” on the shirt there, you know, out of my well-known and highly-regarded modesty.
p. 520 – Alien Facebugger Life-Size Prop Replica:
“…So basically, Grandma, Giger designed this to be like an independent and ambulatory sex organ for the Alien!”
“That’s…that’s nice, dear, but maybe we could take it off the table for Easter dinner?”
p. 523 – DC Jimmy Olsen as Superman Action Figure:
Look, we’re just gonna need action figures of every one of Jimmy’s permutations, some of which seen here:
I’m sure some already exist in custom form (like Porcupine Olsen). And yes, we’ll need Leslie Lowe, Girl Reporter. How could we not?
p. 561 – Minions Dave Bearbricks:
Well, sure, the Minions are a bit overplayed right now, but at least they’re cute and funnylooAUGH
p. 561 – Robocop Bearbricks:
“I’d bear that for a dollar!”
p. 593 – Harry Potter Light-Up Notebooks:
“Stay on top of your Hogwarts class notes with these Harry Potter themed notebooks with covers that light up like magic!”
“That’s funny, the ‘Dumbledore Is Gay’ message doesn’t light up on this one. Wonder why?”
p.604 – Stranger Things Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, do not pass up a single 1980s pop culture reference, apparently.
p. 605 – The Walking Dead All Out War Miniatures Game Core Set:
Reenact the ongoing conflict between Rick’s crew and the Saviors with this exciting tabletop war game…and if things don’t go your way, you can always smash everything and knock it to the floor with the Lucille “Take It Like a Champ” Edition 32-Inch Bat conveniently offered again on page 537 of this very Previews:
Back due to poplar demand! That’s right, trees everywhere have insisted that I once again page through the latest issue of Diamond Previews (the January 2018 edition) and warn you of soon-to-arrive direct market items, many of which are…um, made…from trees…? Even Previews itself is…well, I sense perhaps a complex motivation behind said demand, but while we puzzle that out, why not page through your copy and follow along?
p. 72 – Jam (New Edition) SC:
Not a novelization of this comic, as I’d hoped:
p. 83 – Game of Thrones Buttons:
Haven’t read a page of the books, haven’t seen a second of the TV show, can only assume based on this button there’s a kingdom filled with folks wading in shallow water in those big ol’ fisherman pants, fighting other kingdoms like this:
If I’m wrong, don’t tell me…let me have my dreams.
p. 99 – Batgirl #21:
Look, just tell me…is that Swamp Thing on the cover or not? Do I need to order extra copies for myself and my “all Swamp Thing appearances” customers? CLEAR IT UP, PLEASE
p. 150 – Absolute Batman The Killing Joke HC:
Surely some of the 130-somethin’ pages in this new, new edition of Killing Joke will adapt the new prologue from the animated adaptation.
p. 165 – Ghostbusters Crossing Over #1:
A team-up event featuring all the different versions of the Ghostbusters…
…except, of course:
Poor Tracy the Gorilla. Well, maybe he can get a job at that Gorilla Channel that’s so popular now.
p. 194 – Rick Veitch’s The One #2:
The solicit reads “presents a shocking worldview that almost predicted today’s political climate,” and I was ready to poke fun at it, but in all fairness… who could have predicted all this back in the 1980s? Hell, if anything, The One isn’t weird enough.
p. 266 – Gingerdead Man Meets Evil Bong #1:
Speaking of which…this feels like just one step away from another Donald Trump parody comic, somehow.
p. 289 – Vampironica #1:
Okay, we’ve had Archie zombies, Werewolf Jughead, and Vampire Veronica. If we don’t get The Reggimummy eventually, I will be very disappointed.
p. 295 – Jirni #1:
I recognized that I have a problem with recognizing puns or homophones in comic book names and titles, and now that I have recognized this issue, there’s no way I can get caught off guard by any…other….
…DAMMIT.
p. 320 – Planet of the Apes Ursus #3:
So when do we get the series featuring Lucius, the rebellious teen ape from the end of the original film? It’s what the people want!
p. 326 – Belladonna Fire and Fury #4 Wraparound Cover:
Finally, something new to add to my long-neglected gelatinous cube category. My sexy, sexy gelatinous cube category.
p. 356 – Star Wars #1 Signed by Stan “The Man” Lee and Remarked with a Character Sketch by Ken Haeser:
Okay, far as I know Stan Lee never worked on a Star Wars comic, beyond “Stan Lee Presents”-ing them, but what I wouldn’t give for the unholy combination of Threepio’s regular speech patterns combined with Lee’s bombast. “”I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let that that WILD AND WACKY WOOKIEE TAKE ALL THE MARBLES, TRUE BELIEVER! EXCELSIOR!”
p. 442 – Bloodshot Salvation #7:
“BLACKOUT! A seminal comics milestone told entirely in pitch-black darkness!”
So, it’s like the photo-negative of that one issue of Alpha Flight:
p. 513 – One-12 Collection Halloween Michael Myers Action Figure:
Who needs a scaled down version of Michael Myers when I have a 1:1 scale model right here in the shop!
p. 537 – Star Wars The Last Jedi EAA-058 Captain Phasma Action Figure:
About time Mel Brooks turned his Spaceballs-eye to the new trilogy. Why, hello there, Shiny Helmet!
p.570 – Batman Gotham City 4D Mini Puzzle:
“Batman, the only clue 4D Mini-Puzzle King left behind was this Gotham City 4D Mini Puzzle.”
“(sigh) Well, I guess prefer this to the clues left by Manure Master.”
p. 573 – Star Wars “Yoda Best Dad Ever” Tumbler with Black Lid:
More or less upsetting than the Wacky Wobbler? YOU DECIDE:
p. 574 – Star Wars The Last Jedi Ceramic Sculpted Mugs – Chewbacca:
At first I thought that was actual “hair” on that mug, and I may have gagged a little.
p. 581 – Clue Retro Game:
“Turn the time machine back to 1986 with this Retro Series Clue Game! […] The game has unique collectible packaging and the classic gameplay that you know and love, with retro components based on the 1986 edition.”
“Turn the time machine back to 1986”
“Retro components based on the 1986 edition”
OH, YOU KNOW, THE VERSION OF THE GAME THAT CAME OUT LIKE 5 YEARS AFTER THE LAST TIME I PLAYED IT, HA HA, ANYWAY HERE COMES MY IMMINENT DEATH
Marvel Previews p. 40 – True Believers Venom Vs. Spider-Man #1:
I know the final version of this will have the “True Believers” banner on the cover, but I still look forward to years of telling people “no, this isn’t the issue of Amazing Spider-Man that goes for stupid amounts of money, sorry.”
p. 103 – Thing Project Pegasus TPB:
I have a vague recollection of complaints in the fan press, from readers and from retailers, about Marvel’s initial paperback release of this story back in the 1980s being indicative of efforts at flooding the market with unnecessary and overpriced product. …All those people were, of course, wrong, because what we need are more books reprinting the classic adventures of Bashful Blue-Eyed Benjy. If you want to save the comics industry, Marvel, then get on that!
ALL RISE. The newest End of Civilization is now in session, Judge Spike Merling presiding. We will now hear the evidence as presented in the latest Diamond Previews, the December 2017 edition. Please follow along as the cases are presented:
p. 83 – Young Monsters in Love #1:
Would that this comic just be story after story of Swamp Thing mackin’ on all the wives/girlfriends of the DC Universe, as per the cover. “You take your hands off Saturn Girl, you mossy son-of-a-bitch!”
p. 90 – Batman/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II #4:
Are we going to get team-ups between DC characters and any other black-and-white boom three-adjectives-and-an-animal comics? Surely the world deserves Superman and the Adolescent Radioactive Black-Belt Hamsters? Or Wonder Woman and the Geriatric Gangrene Jujitsu Gerbils. Maybe the Teen Titans and the Pre-Teen Dirty-Gene Kung-Fu Kangaroos? Anyway, DC, you know how to reach me if you need any of these written.
p. 140 – DC Gallery Two-Face Coin Prop:
A nice commemorative item for the old days of this character, before he stopped carrying cash and replaced it with a debit card that’s totally scratched up on one side.
p. 177 – Rick Veitch’s The One #1:
Don’t think it’s featuring the “Puzz Fundles” back-up strips from the original printing, which is a shame because then they could put a big ol’ “FEATURING WORK BY RICK GRIMES ” on the cover and get that tie-in Walking Dead money.
p. 273 – The Tremendous Trump A Man-Child Covfefe:
Oh, right, I remember “covfefe.” The life cycle of these things are so quick, and immediately supplanted by new things, that the whole “covfefe” thing seems like a happy, wispy memory from the long-ago past.
p. 298 – Charlie Brown HC:
“Where’s The Rest of the Title of Your Book, Charlie Brown?”
p. 339 – Reanimator The Board Game:
Okay, here’s the piece for Herbert West, and for Dan, and, hmm, wait, what do these pieces for Megan and Dr. Hill do…OH DEAR.
p. 462 – Young Lesbian Girlfriends for Men HC:
Well, pfft of course they’re For Men, who else would lesbians be for? C’mon now.
Also…COMICS, everyone!
p. 509 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Casey Jones Hockey Mask Prop Replica:
Someday a studio will listen to my pitch for a Casey Jones/Friday the 13th film crossover. I mean, aside from hearing me shout it through a megaphone from the street up to their windows, that is.
p. 511 – Marvel 8-Inch Stan Lee Action Figure:
“I…I don’t get it…no matter how I arrange the figure in the display case, he…keeps…facing front.”
“Let’s get out of here, Billy!”
[ZOOM on Stan Lee’s action figure head as the boys rush out of the room and shut off the lights. A clap of thunder is heard. As the lightning illuminates the room, we see that the figure’s head has turned ever so slightly toward the front of the box.]
It’s Halloween, the spoooookiest time of the year, and what better day than today to look through Diamond Previews and see what terrors will be heading our way in…well, January, more or less. THE SECOND SPOOOOOOKIEST MONTH. Anyhoo, pull out your November 2017 editions of the catalog and follow along, IF YOU DARE…just be aware that 1) yes, I know that’s a picture of a book for the audio CD listing, and 2) yes, that’s the ol’ ProgRuin watermark on an old scan I reused. Enjoy the nostalgia that elicits for the older, better days of this site whilst you cringe in horror:
p. 63 – Berserk Official Guidebook TP:
Finally, we’ll get the full story behind Evil Otto, why our hero is running through that maze, who’s responsible for all those robots, why the walls are even electrified…all that stuff.
p. 79 – Doomsday Clock #3:
Guys, I’m just going to assume that cover, with Batman reading Rorschach’s journal, implies a team-up between the Dark Knight and Watchmen‘s Red Knight, Seymour.
p. 141 – DC Gallery The Joker Cane Prop:
Joker carries a Jay Leno cane? Well, sure, I guess.
p. 156 – Stretch Armstrong and the Flex Fighters #1:
If this comic doesn’t contain a scene of kids contemplating the pros and cons of cutting open Stretch Armstrong to see what’s inside, then they just don’t want my toy-nostalgia money.
p. 162 – Star Trek Boldly Go #16 Funko Cover:
And he’s still the handsomest bastard in Starfleet. How does Kirk do it?
p. 191 – Ice Cream Man #1:
The Van Halen song comes alive as Diamond Dave takes up his new job as…wait, what? It’s not? I’m also using the “deliberately misunderstanding the premise of a comic” gag too often? Oh well, that’s life, that’s what all the people say.
p. 271 – The Tremendous Trump Remastered Edition:
Was going to make a “Now Even Oranger!” joke, but the actual solicitation beat me to the orange reference. Ah, well. By the way, I keep selling out of each Trump comic like this I order, in case you’re wondering.
p. 293 – Kong on the Planet of the Apes #2:
Crisis of Infinite Apes, where Mighty Joe Young and Detective Chimp team up to investigate the Lost City of Zinj from Congo, while Tracy from The Ghost Busters tries to talk Donkey Kong into giving up his pastime of tormenting plumbers/carpenters. …I mean, I presume this is where this is all leading.
p. 300 – Judas #2:
I had a gag about the exact cover price of this comic, but, um, maybe I’d better keep it to myself.
p. 326 – Battlestar Galactica Vs. Battlestar Galactica #1:
Crossing over the original ’70s Galactica with the 2000s reboot? There’s hope for my Land of the Lost Vs. Land of the Lost Vs. Land of the Lost Vs. Land of the Lost script yet!
p. 389 – Judge Dredd The Daily Dredds Vol. 1981 – 1986 HC:
Oh, I’ve read some of these! Man oh man, does Judge Dredd hate Mondays, but he sure loves lasagna.
p. 395 – The Epic of Gilgamesh GN:
And after reading this, don’t forget the exciting sequel!
p. 395 – Please Destroy the Internet GN:
Okay, but all I ask is that you maybe leave the bits where I makemoney. And keep this site up, too.
p. 409 – Babylon Berlin HC:
I’m having trouble seeing how this prequel series eventually connects up with Babylon 5.
p. 457 – Spider-Man Forever Young Audio CD:
Ol’ Webhead sings Rod Stewart’s greatest hits!
p. 457 – Aquaman Is Fair Picture Book:
Yeah, he’s fair, I guess…I mean, he’s okay, not great.
p. 457 – Batman Is Trustworthy Picture Book:
“Trust me, kid, you’ll be great as Robin! I’ve had a 3 outta 4 success rate! Or 2 outta 4, depends who you ask.”
p. 457 – The Flash Is Caring Picture Book:
“Let’s go, pal! Nah, you don’t a seatbelt on that chair…seatbelts are for chickens!”
p. 457 – Green Lantern Is Responsible Picture Book:
Oh, sure, ask the people of the planet Xanshi just how responsible he is.
p. 457 – Superman Is A Good Citizen Picture Book:
“Okay, this is the last of the trees! Now let’s put down all that concrete and metal and make everything look like Krypton!”
p. 458 – Wonder Woman Is Respectful Picture Book:
Yeah, okay, all these heroes are kind and great and all that, but I think they’re really missing a bet by not having a picture book just titled “DARKSEID IS.” Get that nihilism ingrained in those kids early!
p. 457 – Sweet Dreams, Supergirl HC:
Yes, the book is about a young lady dreaming about Supergirl, but just what is Supergirl herself dreaming ab–
OH HA HA NOTHING TO SEE HERE
p. 461 – Superman You Choose Stories Metropolis Mayhem SC:
Unless one of the endings involves the Bravado Beast, I’m going to have to say this is but a faint shadow of the greatness of this book.
p. 514 – Marvel The Punisher Logo Bookends:
At last, something to hold up my bound copies of Cat Fancy magazine.
p. 565 – Sherlock 221B Street Entrance 1/6-Scale Diorama:
What if this was the only “action figure” you had? All the other kids had Star Wars and G.I. Joe figures, and you had…a door. “I SLAM MY DOOR ON COBRA COMMANDER’S HAND!” “Hey, great job…way to go, door!” …Yeah, I think a kid could cope. ‘Course, at a list price of $250, that kid better not be slammin’ that door on nuthin’.
p. 608 – Monopoly Team Fortress 2 Edition:
Do not pass — um, the fortress? — do not…collect…oh hell, I don’t know. I’m pretty sure one of the sure signs of aging is “not immediately recognizing properties used in themed Monopoly sets.” Did they ever do a Berzerk-themed Monopoly set? I can do Berzerk jokes.
From out of my brain, through my fingers, into my keyboard, and out on your screen…it’s the latest installment of the End of Civilization, where I plow though the monthly Diamond Previews catalog and point out items of particular note. If you have your own copy of said Previews (the September 2017 edition, to be precise), you can follow along with me, as I present at least one joke directly stolen from Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie:
p. 74-7 – Doomsday Clock #1:
Look, I already made my big joke about this series a few days ago. So…um, what if the series is about Doctor Manhattan and Superman teaming up to stop a giant clock from destroying the Earth? Yeah, that’s funny, right…? …No, huh. Look, I also gave you the “Manhattan has stolen Superman’s shorts” gag, what more do you want.
p. 88 – Batwoman #9:
Ah, Kathy’s Freddy Krueger cosplay:
p. 136 – Shazam The New Beginning 30th Anniversary HC:
Put a lenticular cover on this of C.C. Beck just shaking his head.
p. 147 – Batman Black & White Spy Vs. Spy as Batman by Peter Kuper Statue:
If the Internet suddenly becomes self-aware and threatens to destroy humanity, just have Captain Kirk show it this statue and hopefully that’ll cause it to break down out of confusion.
p. 191 – Coyotes #1:
Finally, a super-team of all my favorite coyotes:
…wait, how’s that again? …Oh. Well, uh, I’m sure this comic will be great, anyway.
p. 275 – How The Trump Stole Christmas:
I’m beginning to sense a slightly different tone in the Trump-exploitation comics vs. all those Obama comics.
p. 294 – Kong on the Planet of the Apes #1:
ATTENTION GUYS ‘n’ GALS AT BOOM! STUDIOS: I will totally write the Every Which Way But Loose/Planet of the Apes crossover. C’mon…”Right turn, Clyde!” [Clyde smacks General Ursus right in the face.] …You know how to reach me.
p. 295 – Big Trouble in Little China The Game:
Do not pass GO, do not collect Jack’s tru–oh, this isn’t Monopoly? Look, that’s my one format for End of Civilization board game jokes. You get what you get.
p. 328 – Elvira Mistress of the Dark Spectral Switchboard:
“See…it’s going…right…for her…boobs….”
“No…it’s moving…to her legs….”
“DANG IT CHAD, QUIT HOGGING THE PLANCHETTE”
p. 362 – Trump’s Titans Vs. Fidget Spinner Force #1:
“Gran’pa? What was the year 2017 like?”
[Old Man Mike pulls a dusty copy of Trump’s Titans Vs. Fidget Spinner Force #1 out of his worn and battered trunk. He shows it to the gathered children.]
“It…it was just like this. Read it…if you dare learn…the truth.”
(Oh, by the way, the preceding dialogue all takes place in 2019.)
p. 364 – Gumby Volume 1 GN:
p. 398 – Chasing Hitler #1:
The sequel to Chasing Amy you never expected.
p. 469 – Oh My God, They Printed That?!:
In case you’re wondering what goes through my mind as I actually sit down to do the monthly comics order, versus doing a pass through for End of Civilization jokes.
p. 473 – Star Trek The Book of Lists HC:
“Ten Reasons Why You’re Supposed to Buy Kirk and Spock as Best Friends in the New Trek Movies Even Though There’s Not Really Anything in Those Films That Supports It”
“…Mike.”
“LOOK, THAT BUGS ME”
p. 473 – The Physics of Star Wars SC:
“So how was Hosnian Prime’s destruction in The Force Awakens visible to an entirely different solar system?”
“That…that’s not really what the book’s about. It’s about real world physics being applied to Star Wars concepts and how they could and could not w….”
“So you don’t know.”
“Okay, look, Wookiepedia says that happened because of…phantom energy? …Really?”
“Well, I guess you got something for your next book, then.”
p. 501 – Marvel Select Black Panther Movie Action Figure:
Black Panther is totally teaming up with a Horta in his movie! This is going to be awesome!
p. 511 – DC Teekeez Stackable Vinyl Tiki Figures:
“LEONA HELMSLEY?”
“WALTON GOGGINS?”
p. 520 – Edward Scissorhands – Scissorhands 1/1-Scale Replia:
1/1-Scale Impaled Vincent Price not included.
p. 525 – Star Wars Kenner-Inspired Early Bird Jumbo Action Figure 4-Piece Set:
p. 532 – Pop! Mystery Science Theater 3000 Vinyl Figures:
No Gypsy? No Cambot? No Gerry and Sylvia? No Mr. B. Natural? No Torgo? No TV’s Frank? No Timmy? No Hamdingers? No Jack Perkins? No Gamera? No Joe Don Baker? No Demon Dogs? No Nuveena? Well well well, Mr. Funko Pop! Smith, Esq., I think you have your work cut out for you. I expect all these on my desk by Friday.
p. 586 – Deadpool Plate Set:
“Eat all your food, Little Billy, and you’ll see Deadpool staring back at you!”
[Little Billy never eats again.]
p. 586 – Deadpool Teapot:
“I’m a little Deadpool
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is yet another spinoff series starring me as various kitchenwares”
p. 588 – Breaking Bad RV Incense Burner:
The saddest fate for Barbie’s Dream Motorhome.
p. 589- A Christmas Story The Party Game:
So the object of the game is to not shoot your eye out while sticking your tongue to a pole, dressed in a bunny suit and also fighting over a leg lamp. Well, that’s the tradition in my household.
