Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ December 4th, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 5 Comments

ALL RISE. The newest End of Civilization is now in session, Judge Spike Merling presiding. We will now hear the evidence as presented in the latest Diamond Previews, the December 2017 edition. Please follow along as the cases are presented:

p. 83 – Young Monsters in Love #1:

Would that this comic just be story after story of Swamp Thing mackin’ on all the wives/girlfriends of the DC Universe, as per the cover. “You take your hands off Saturn Girl, you mossy son-of-a-bitch!”
p. 90 – Batman/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II #4:

Are we going to get team-ups between DC characters and any other black-and-white boom three-adjectives-and-an-animal comics? Surely the world deserves Superman and the Adolescent Radioactive Black-Belt Hamsters? Or Wonder Woman and the Geriatric Gangrene Jujitsu Gerbils. Maybe the Teen Titans and the Pre-Teen Dirty-Gene Kung-Fu Kangaroos? Anyway, DC, you know how to reach me if you need any of these written.
p. 140 – DC Gallery Two-Face Coin Prop:

A nice commemorative item for the old days of this character, before he stopped carrying cash and replaced it with a debit card that’s totally scratched up on one side.
p. 177 – Rick Veitch’s The One #1:

Don’t think it’s featuring the “Puzz Fundles” back-up strips from the original printing, which is a shame because then they could put a big ol’ “FEATURING WORK BY RICK GRIMES ” on the cover and get that tie-in Walking Dead money.
p. 273 – The Tremendous Trump A Man-Child Covfefe:

Oh, right, I remember “covfefe.” The life cycle of these things are so quick, and immediately supplanted by new things, that the whole “covfefe” thing seems like a happy, wispy memory from the long-ago past.
p. 298 – Charlie Brown HC:

“Where’s The Rest of the Title of Your Book, Charlie Brown?”
p. 339 – Reanimator The Board Game:

Okay, here’s the piece for Herbert West, and for Dan, and, hmm, wait, what do these pieces for Megan and Dr. Hill do…OH DEAR.
p. 462 – Young Lesbian Girlfriends for Men HC:

Well, pfft of course they’re For Men, who else would lesbians be for? C’mon now.

Also…COMICS, everyone!
p. 509 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Casey Jones Hockey Mask Prop Replica:

Someday a studio will listen to my pitch for a Casey Jones/Friday the 13th film crossover. I mean, aside from hearing me shout it through a megaphone from the street up to their windows, that is.
p. 511 – Marvel 8-Inch Stan Lee Action Figure:

“I…I don’t get it…no matter how I arrange the figure in the display case, he…keeps…facing front.”

“Let’s get out of here, Billy!”

[ZOOM on Stan Lee’s action figure head as the boys rush out of the room and shut off the lights. A clap of thunder is heard. As the lightning illuminates the room, we see that the figure’s head has turned ever so slightly toward the front of the box.]
p. 578 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Leonardo Inflatable Adult Costume:

Wow, the CGI in these new Turtles movies is incredible.
p. 583 – Ork! RPG Special Edition

Shazbot! Orson does not look how I expected in this reboot!
p.583 – Monopoly Disney Animation Edition:

“Do not pass…um, actually, we’d prefer if you’d pass Song of the South. No, please, really, keep going. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.”
p. 584 – Monopoly Gamer Edition:

“Pass GO, find our princess in another castle!”
p. 587 – Monopoly Rick and Morty Edition:

“You are late to the Szechuan sauce-collecting craze…pay each player $50 for their packets.”
Marvel Previews p. 47 – Lockjaw #1:

(sigh) Honestly, Marvel, you should’ve led with this.

5 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Simon says:

    Objections, your honor.

    – “p. 83 – Young Monsters in Love”

    Now that’s some electricity in the air!

    – “Batman/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

    Bat the Man? Ninja the Turtle? …Meet Boris the Bear.

    – “p. 140 – DC Gallery Two-Face Coin Prop”

    Wot, no tails? (And who’s this Berty person??)

    – “p. 177 – Rick Veitch’s The One #1”

    That logo…? Is Doc Manhattan everywhere?

    – “p. 273 – The Tremendous Trump”

    Soon: DONALD-TRUMP; or, The Whiteness of the Male.

    – “p. 298 – Charlie Brown”

    Hey, round-headed kid, get off that lawn!

    – “p. 462 – Young Lesbian Girlfriends for Men”

    Is it a bottle of cologne?

    – “p. 509 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Casey Jones Hockey Mask”

    The Punisher was in Friday the 13th?

  • Casie says:

    Yay! That was fun! Thanks for the laughs, Mike! :)

  • Brad says:

    You want covfefe? You GOT covfefe!

  • King of the Moon says:

    I pre-ordered that Casey Jones prop the second it was advertised

  • googum says:

    Legit surprised Young Monsters in Love didn’t get a “Going Green” joke. Although, if the Demon is basically a romantic lead at DC, no reason Swamp Thing shouldn’t be.