So live, that when thy summons comes to join
The innumerable caravan which moves
To that mysterious realm, where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,
Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy August 2017 edition of Diamond Previews
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams:
p. 63 – Game of Thrones Tyrion Lannister Hand of the Queen Bust:
And here’s Tyrion in his new gig for Dos Dragóns as the Most Interesting Man in Westeros, Essos, and Sothoryos.
p. 68 – Batman Lost #1:
I don’t know how many issues I can take of Batman entering that sequence of numbers and pushing that button every 108 minutes.
p. 107 – Harley & Ivy Meet Betty & Veronica #1:
Any dopes make fun of them for drinking that milkshake, Harley’s got a big ol’ mallet with those chowderheads’ names on it.
p. 129 – The Joker An Adult Coloring Book TP:
CUT TO Jared Leto coloring outside the lines on every page of this book and laughing maniacally, as he preps for Suicide Squad 2.
p. 131 – Two-Face A Celebration of 75 Years HC:
By all rights this should be a flipbook.
p. 160 – The X-Files JFK Disclosure #1:
Oddly enough, Scully and Mulder discover it really was just Oswald who was responsible. Huh, go figure.
p. 236 – Commando Spawn Action Figure:
Finally, Commando Spawn, the perfect figure to go with Party Angela!
p. 275 – Jawas 2 T-shirt:
So anyway I was just thinking about that time Neil Young incorporated Jawas into his act and how Lucasfilm had a few words about his doing so. No reason, just came to mind.
p. 284 – Aspen Universe Decimation #1:
AND NOW…THE LAZIEST JOKE POSSIBLE:
Oh no, 1/10th of the Aspen Universe is going to be destroyed!
THE LAZIEST JOKE POSSIBLE IS NOW COMPLETED. YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR HOMES.
p. 334 – Atari Classics Atari Force TP:
If someone had only told me back in the early 1980s when I bought those three Atari cartridges with the Atari Force comic book pack-ins, or in the late 1990s when I bought those two other games with the pack-in comics I was still missing, that all I had to do was wait ’til the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Seventeen to get ’em all under one cover, why, I could have used that extra cash to get myself the Model CX-22 Atari Trackball Controller. OH THE WASTED OPPORTUNITIES OF LIFE
p. 418 – The Villain #1:
Cactus Jack and Charming Jones sure look different. Wonder how Handsome Stranger made out?
p. 422 – Santa Vs. Dracula GN:
WHOEVER WINS, WE LOSE…well, okay, maybe I’d root slightly more for Santa in this instance.
p. 489 – Comic Shop The Retail Mavericks Who Gave Us A New Geek Culture:
Hey, I have a book about my life in comics retail, too! Here, let me show y–
[cover flies open, blood starts shooting out of its pages]
Er, hold on a moment….
p. 489 – The Flash Hocus Pocus Novel:
The Flash travels back in time just to witness this amazing performance in person:
p. 489 – Iron Man The Gauntlet Novel SC:
“TONY STARK SHOT THE FOOD”
p. 503 – E.T. The Extra Terrestrial The Classic Illustrated Storybook HC:
“E.T. iPHONE HOME”
“Wait, what?”
“E.T. FACETIME ELLIOT WHEN E.T. GETS BACK”
“Face..time? What are you even…?”
“FOLLOW E.T. ON INSTAGRAM, @ETNOLONGERONEARTH”
“Um, look…isn’t it about time for you to go?”
p. 506 – Star Wars Coding Projects:
“Hey, maybe someone could code some encryption software for, oh, I don’t know, the Death Star plans, Todd.”
p. 509 – The Walking Dead Official Cookbook:
And remember…if Daryl diets, we riot!
p. 516 – Justice League Official Collector’s Magazine:
“Cover not final” is no surprise, since apparently the movie isn’t quite yet final either.
p. 562 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Groot Premium Motion Statue:
“The cassette tape itself is actually a real (and working) blank tape featuring the label as seen on screen!”
NO, DON’T DO IT! Home grooting is killing the music industry!
p. 603 – Preacher Titans Mini Figures:
You know, when I was anxiously awaiting each new issue of Preaacher as it came into the store, I never once imagined any of the characters eventually being transformed into one of these doodads. Well, except Quincannon, who’s pretty much unchanged.
p. 624 – Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Lanyards:
“My keys and ID, where to find th–oh, here they are.”
p. 636 – Aggravation Retro Game:
Ain’t nuthin’ retro about aggravation…seems like we’re constantly getting fresh new aggravations all the time.
p. 639 – Clue The Walking Dead AMC Edition:
If one of the possible murder weapons isn’t a little metal and/or plastic representation of Lucille, what are they even doing.
p. 640 – Monopoly The Golden Girls Edition:
DO NOT PASS. That’s all, just “do not pass.”
p. 640 – The Thing Infection at Outpost 31 Board Game:
Every game ends in a tie, with two players glaring at each other over the gameboard. It’s very depressing.
Yes, we here at Progressive Ruin Industries are celebrating American Independence Day in the way of our forefathers…by paging through the newest edition of Diamond Previews (the July 2017 edition) and seeing what will soon be invading our shores. Pick up your own copy and follow along:
p. 116 – Wonder Woman/Conan #1:
“…And to hear the lamentations of their women!”
“EXCUSE ME, WHAT WAS THAT?”
“Er, nothing! Nothing, ma’am!”
p. 142 – Justice League of America The Detroit Era Omnibus HC:
ME, VISITING 1985 FROM THE FUTURE: “In my era, there is going to be an oversized deluxe hardcover collecting together all the Detroit League stories!”
PRIMITIVE HUMAN OF 1985: “Wha–? Nobody likes these comics! Who’s gonna spring for a big ol’ hardcover?”
ME: “Oh, and also Gypsy and Vibe are characters on a popular DC superhero television show in my time.”
PHo85: “GET OUTTA TOWN”
p. 154 – Star Wars Adventures #1:
What, a children’s version of Star Wars? What’s next, children’s versions of Spider-Man or Guardians of the Galaxy comics?
p. 212 – Divided States of Hysteria #4:
Huh, can’t seem to get that pic to load for some reason.
p. 241 – The Walking Dead Faction Logo 4″ Patches:
Ah, special patches for the different groups in The Walking Dead, like “Hilltop” for the people living in the Hilltop community, or “Kingdom” for the folks living under Ezekiel, or “Dammit I Had A Good Thing Going” for actors whose characters were killed off on the show.
p. 285 – The Hoth Face T-shirt:
Okay, I gotta admit…I know this is referencing something, but honestly have no idea what. I can’t believe I have to admit defeat to one of these “two things” shirts. I’m sure once someone tells me I’m going to go “oooooh, THAT.” …Honestly, pals, this is pretty embarrassing.
p. 340 – James Bond Casino Royale HC:
Finally, Peter Sellers, David Niven, and Woody Allen in the comic book movie adaptation of the year!
p. 343 – Fruit Ninja #1:
Hey, they should do a comic based on that popular “Pokemon Go!” mobile game.
p. 345 – Turok #2:
“Hey, look, a comic based on that ancient video game!” the person perusing the rack declares, as Mike crumbles into dust behind him.
p. 351 – Kevin Smith’s Yoga Hosers One-Shot:
Don’t really have any kind of joke here. Just letting you know it’s a thing. (And was there a comic for Tusk? I’d probably read that.)
p. 492 – Eat Like Walt: The Wonderful World of Disney Food HC:
I’m going to assume “eating like Walt” involves inhaling an entire cigarette between each bite, like most mid-century adults.
p. 493 – How Comics Work SC:
If you’re talking about the industry as a whole, I think the answer to “How Comics Work” is “despite itself.”
p. 495 – The Dark Crystal The Ultimate Visual History HC:
Wouldn’t the ultimate visual history be, like, the movie?
p. 500 – Star Wars Mad Libs Deluxe Edition:
Oh, great, George Lucas went back to the Mad Libs Original Edition and added in new word types to fill in, like “adjouns” and “verjectives.”
p. 515 – Swamp Thing House of Secrets #92 T-shirt:
Store uniform, house uniform, grocery shopping uniform, formal dress, meetin’ the Pope clothes…better order a few dozen of these.
p. 544 – Alien Convenant Xenomorph 7-Inch Action Figure and Neomorph 7-Inch Action Figure:
Well, this will make for an interesting variation on the yin-yang symb…
…welllll, maybe not.
p. 552 – Pop! War for the Planet of the Apes Maurice Vinyl Figure:
FUNKO HAS ACHIEVED WEAPON-GRADE CUTENESS. STAY IN YOUR HOMES. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
p. 568 – Reverse Flash The Flash TV ArtFX+ Statue:
“Hi, do you have anything that’s the exact opposite of the Maurice Planet of the Apes Funko Pop?”
“Why, as a matter of fact….”
p. 568 – DC Comics Super Sons Jonathan Kent & Krypto Two Pack ArtFX+ Statue:
Okay, how much just for the Krypto statue? You know, the character that’ll still be around three or four reboots from now.
p. 598 – DC Heroes Batman Kids Costume:
Please note that regardless of age or costume design, all Bat-children look like they’re ready and able to fight crime. Kid-crime.
And yes, yes, the pics arranged like that it looks like that’s Giant Bat-Baby, 10 feet tall, towering over his/her compatriots with a diaper full of justice.
p. 615 – Marvel Hydra Logo 24-Inch Necklace:
Sure, you’re all sick of this Hydra stuff, but picture Larry on Three’s Company tugging this just the slightest bit out from under his too-unbuttoned shirt to show to Mr. Furley, as he leans in and whispers “Hail Hyrda.” Mr. Furley gives a hugely exaggerated wink in response. Cue laugh track.
p. 629 – Golden Girls Clue Game:
“Okay, let’s get this game start–”
“Betty White did it.”
“Wait, what? We haven’t even started playing y–”
“It has to be her, she’s the only one still al–”
“HA HA okay who’s up for some Battleship?”
Marvel Previews p. 4 – Marvel Legacy #1:
Here’s hoping the legacy in question is something other than an endless stream of relaunched #1s stretching as far back and as far ahead as the eye can see. Or R&D for movies.
Civilization ain’t over just quite yet, gang, but will this month’s Previews offerings (in the June 2017 edition) be enough to push it over the edge? Come along with me and let’s find out…together:
p. 62 – Star Trek The Next Generation Adult Coloring Book – Continuing Missions:
“What color is the ongoing obsession with weird alien sexuality?”
“Um…periwinkle?”
p. 72 – Dark Nights: Metal #1:
CUT TO: Pied Piper trying to force his way into this event. “The flute is a heavy metal instrument!” he argues loudly.
p. 106 – DC Superhero Girls Past Times at Super Hero High:
BRAD, NO
p. 115 – Teen Titans Go #23:
So long as Baby Superman there doesn’t end up in a microwave, we should be okay.
p. 117 – Superman and the Miserable, Rotten, No Fun, Really Bad Day HC:
Looking forward to future releases Green Lantern and Ham, Crisis of Infinite Berenstains, and To Think I Saw It on Danny the Street.
p. 121 – The Newsboy Legion and the Boy Commandos Special #1:
Chaykin’s doing this, so I expect the Newsboys will become Newsmen at some point, and we’ll finally find out the real reason they’re called “commandos.”
p. 132 – Superman Reborn HC:
Finally, the all-new, complete, canon history of Superman ’til the next one comes along in a couple of years!
p. 272 – Casper The Friendly Ghost #2:
Look, I’m all for new Casper comics, but I don’t know if I’m ready for modern stories with, like, Casper on Facebook or the Ghostly Trio texting each other or anything. I’m still trying to recover from that final Carl Barks story where one of Donald’s nephews refers to a fax machine.
p. 277 – Dark Cider T-shirt:
I can’t imagine the producers of these shirts aren’t hearing from Disney on a regular basis.
p. 326 – Grumpy Cat/Garfield #1:
I volunteer to write the Marvin/Dancing Baby comic.
p. 341 – The Green Hornet ’66 Meets the Spirit #2:
Issue number two of the characters arguing who had the best film adaptation in the 2000s!
p. 376 – That Time I Got Reincarnated As a Slime Volume 1 GN:
You do a story about a dude reincarnated as a typical monster in a Dungeons & Dragons-type game, and you don’t go with the best one?
p. 525 – Pumps Miniature High Heels Featuring DC Heroes & Villains (Blind Box Assortment):
Just dropping “THIS IS A FETISH FOR SOMEONE” as the punchline is awfully easy, but if ever a situation called for it…
p. 525 – The Joker Calling Card Statue:
With just a slight repaint job, this could be the Addams Family/Batman ’66 crossover that never was.
p. 528 – Mr. Potato Head Alien Xenomorph & p. 549 – Mr. Potato Head Predator:
NO MATTER WHO WINS, WE…well, also win, I guess. C’mon, it’s Mr. Potato Head, he’s awesome.
p. 554 – Spider-Man Homecoming Vulture Attack Set:
If I go see this Spider-Man: Homecoming movie and there isn’t a building that looks exactly like that anywhere in there, I’m walking out of the theater and demanding my money back.
p. 555 – Star Wars Collectors Gallery IG-88 Statue:
Did IG-88 ever move this much in the one scene he was in? I feel like he’d topple over if he moved his legs like that.
p. 577 – Toy Box Sofubi 014 Nessie the Loch Ness Monster Soft Vinyl Figure:
Even more real than the real thing!
p. 613 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Short Range Walkie Talkies:
Relive that scene in the Guardians of the Galaxy film where Drax picks up Rocket and shouts directly into his face in an attempt to radio Star-Lord. Genuine pissed-off space trash panda action!
p. 617 – The Lord of the Rings Middle Earth 5 Coin Set:
Just like the slammers used in that fateful pog tournament between Gollum and Bilbo deep within the caves beneath the Misty Mountains.
p. 631 – Star Wars 40th Anniversary Edition Monopoly Game:
Do not pass Tosche Station, do not collect your power converters.
Marvel Previews p. 91 – Star Wars Mace Windu #1:
Getting ever, ever closer to the inevitable Jar Jar Binks mini-series. It’ll happen someday. And when it does, I’ll buy it, and so will you. Search your feelings…you know it to be true.
p. 114 – Color Your Own Star Wars Darth Vader :
Once again:
“…Bring out the Sith Lord’s rarely seen lighter side with pastels!”
…the actual solicitation text beats me to the joke. Well played, anonymous solicitation text writer…well played indeed.
Marvel Previews p. 125 – Marvel’s Thor Ragnarok Prelude TPB:
So going by the logic presented here (and in previous Marvel movie comics of late), in that the “Ragnarok Prelude” is in fact a comic book adaptation of the previous Thor film The Dark World, then the currently running Rogue One adaptation should be called A New Hope Prelude.
…Hey, maybe the comic book adaptation of the Howard the Duck movie could be repackaged as the Guardians of the Galaxy Prelude! You can have that one for free, Marvel!
Pull yourself together, man! Can’t you see we have a whole new End of Civilization to get through? Pick up your May 2017 edition of Diamond Previews and follow me…into glory:
p. 154 – TMNT/Usagi Yojimbo:
Finally, the long-awaited follow-up on the evolution vs. creation discussion from Usagi Yojimbo Vol. 2 #2:
It was 11 years between The Hero Discovered and The Hero Defined, and it’s been almost 20 years since the end of that second series and the beginning of this new one. Man, it’s going to be like forty years between the end of The Hero Denied and the 2058 debut of The Hero Disco-Dances. Guess I’d better eat healthy if I’m going to be around for that one.
p. 242-3 – The Walking Dead Lucille Ballpoint Pen / Glenn Legacy Edition Action Figure
Oddly, not a gift set.
p. 283 – The Tremendous Trump:
Just trying to picture the kinds of comics we would have had with Hillary or Bernie, and, well, silver linings and all that.
p. 336-7 – Centipede #1:
Not looking forward to the eventual Custer’s Revenge comic. However, I totally call dibs on writing the Haunted House one.
p. 349 – Gwar Orgasmageddon #2:
The ultra-rare variant is of course the version where you open up the cover and you’re immediately sprayed head-to-toe with…well, let’s say “blood,” if you’re lucky.
p. 359 – No Panties, No Problem 1:
“Why, that was my high school’s prom the–”
“Mike.”
“That was on the sign we had by the door at my old jo–”
Rise above my war, as the thirsty and miserable overcome their depression and life of pain with a six pack and a tv party over three nights. Jealous again?
p. 479 – Awesome Activities for Super Heroes SC:
“Batman, the Joker’s escaped again! You must come quickly!”
“I can’t right now, Commissioner, I’m…um, in the middle of something.”
“…You’re doodling again, aren’t you?”
“…NO.”
p. 479 – Batman & Robin Adventures: Catwoman’s Purrfect Plot TP:
“So, darrrrling, do you know what…comes after the ‘rising action?'”
“Holy literary innuendo!”
p. 480 – DC Super Girls Katana at Super Hero High SC:
Sadly, Katana was expelled immediately for bringing a weapon on campus, and is currently facing charges.
p. 486 – 100 Things Game of Thrones Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die SC:
“#48: Die like a Games of Thrones character.”
GOT FAN: “Uh…what?”
p. 583 – Toy Box Sofubi 013: Humpback Whale Soft Vinyl Figure:
Finally, my Star Trek IV action figure set is complete. Well, once I buy two of these, anyway.
p. 623 – Nintendo Mario and Toshi Adult Inflatable Costume:
“Itsa me! A fetish for someone!”
p. 627 – Pac-Man Chocolate Cream Sticks:
Just like the Chocolate Cream Sticks Pac-Man eats in the g–what? No, not the dots. They’re, like, one of the bonus fruits that appear, right? …Look, just eat the cream sticks. They’re tasty.
p. 635 – The Terminator The Official Board Game:
“OH NO I HAF FALLEN DOWN A CHOOOOT, I MUST GET TO THE LAD-DUH”
Look, just say it really loud. It’s hilarious.
p. 636 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Monopoly:
Groot to jail. Groot directly to…no, huh? Look, they can’t all be winners.
p. 636 – Pirates of the Caribbean Ultimate Monopoly:
You know, Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly was fun the first couple of times, but by the, oh, fifth go-round, it kinda wears out its welcome.
p. 636 – Pirates of the Caribbean Battleship:
“So let’s parley, savvy? Savvy the ol’ parley, do we? Then parley we shall, savvy!”
“Look, I’m sinking my own battleship. I’m dead ‘n’ gone. I’M OUT”
Okay, you hockey pucks, try to keep up…if it helps, mouth the words as you read along in your copy of the April 2017 Diamond Previews, assuming you cheapskates actually bought it for yourselves:
p. 113 – Batman/Elmer Fudd Special #1:
There are a whole slew of Looney Tunes characters teaming up with DC superheroes, but the one I want to see most is Gabby Goat teaming up with, well…anybody:
Can’t you just see him hangin’ out with, I don’t know, Green Arrow? They could exchange beard-grooming tips.
p. 130 – DC Universe Rebirth Omnibus Expanded Edition HC:
Reissued in order to include comics that debuted after the first edition of this volume…I hope Rebirth goes on for years just to see how fat this book gets. “DC Universe Rebirth Omnibus Expanded 14th Edition – Now Includes Steel Hand Truck.”
p. 134 – DC Super Hero Girls A Kids Coloring Book:
Wait…what if the companies decide they can save money by releasing all their comics in black and white and calling them all “coloring books?” …Actually, might get a more significant portion of the general public interested in comics, come to think of it.
p. 141 – Watchmen The Annotated Edition HC:
“And on this page, we see Dr. Manhattan’s wiener again! Tee hee!”
p. 168 – Clue #1:
Will this comic be called Cluedo when released outside the U.S.? Asking for a guy who’s semi-obsessed with the fact everyone else calls it “Cluedo” – a guy who definitely isn’t me, by the way.
p. 202 – Shirtless Bear Fighter #1:
Rack with “Guy in Bat Costume Who Punches Weird Criminals” and “Man with Spider-Powers Who Has Problems.” Will still likely be asked by someone “what’s this about?”
p. 312 – Jungle Fantasy Annual 2017 Beautifed:
From the solicitation:
“‘Beautified’ is our name for variant interior artwork, with less clothes! So the story just got more nude.”
I can’t even make fun. They know what they want, and what their audience wants, and it sells. I admire its purity. …Also, I think this was sort of the same thing Barry Blair did with the old Leather and Lace comic.
p. 332 – Mighty Mouse #1:
Yes, that’s a realistically-painted Mighty Mouse cover by Alex Ross you see there. That started me to thinking about a realistic live-action Mighty Mouse…like, an actual mouse, with a little cape, that just darts from nook to cranny, poops and pees on everything, and chews and shreds whatever it can, and makes everything around it just plain smell funny. …Look, I can’t stop the future, I can only prepare you for it.
p. 358 – Walt Disney’s Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck The Don Rosa Library Vol. 7 The Treasure of the Ten Avatars:
In which Donald and Scrooge uncover James Cameron’s upcoming film plans.
p. 478 – Best of Fresh Natural Girls HC:
I can’t wait to find out about all the comics these girls like! I mean, why else would this be in the catalog?
p. 480 – 100 Things Spider-Man Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die SC:
I propose a follow-up, One Thing Spider-Man Fans Should Do As They Die, which would of course be “Let Spider-Man catch you after being thrown off a bridge.”
p. 484 – Spider-Man Doodles SC:
I can’t believe they brought the 1990s Marvel Tryout Book back into print.
p. 484 – Marvel’s Spider-Man Mad Libs:
Please please please let there be “with great [noun] comes great [noun].”
p. 504 – Previews Cover Marvel Secret Empire Black T-Shirt SC:
Whoa, hold on, when did this start happening? And if they’re actually doing t-shirts with Previews covers, then I know which one I want:
p. 505 – Previews Logo T-Shirts:
Ah, the all-purpose Previews t-shirt, the official clothing in which to read my “End of Civilization” posts, and conveniently available for preorder at Sterling Silver Comics!
p. 540 – Twin Peaks Log Lady/Log Pin Mate Set:
This looks all the world like the Log Lady had a log costume she would occasionally put on to fight, like, owl-crime. And, to be honest, we haven’t seen the upcoming Twin Peaks revival so, you know, maybe she does.
p. 551 – Twin Peaks Action Figures – Laura in Plastic:
Brother, look at all that action. …Unless they’re talking about Laura’s body being the catalyst for action from the other characters in the show, in which case I salute their extension of the descriptor “action” in this context.
p. 560 – Marvel Deadpool Wood Nesting Doll Set:
And inside that fifth doll…an itty-bitty Deathstroke.
p. 583 – Star Wars The Force Awakens BB-8 Silicone Tray:
I see they were finally able to repurpose the poorly-selling “Deformed Conjoined Tangerines Silicone Tray.”
p. 624 – Power Rangers Movie Adult Helmet:
pfffft PLEASE, as if any adults like the Power Rangers!
p. 627 – The Walking Dead Lucille 36-inch Foam Replica Bat:
Handy for helping you pretend to cave in the skulls of your friends as they kneel quaking in fear before you, and much easier to clean than an actual bat wrapped in real barbed wire!
p. 627 – The Walking Dead Large Walker Bite Costume Effects Appliance:
Cover up those embarrassing hickeys with something only slightly less embarrassing!
p. 634 – The Walking Dead AMC Monopoly:
“Pass GO, Pass Jail, Just Keep Going Around in Circles Indefinitely.”
p. 636 – Sonic the Hedgehog 25th Anniversary Art Book HC:
“And I’m also including a chapter featuring all the fan-art from Tumblr!”
“GREAT SCOTT, MAN…are you trying to get us arrested?”
Marvel Previews p. 76 – X-Men Blue #5:
This is such a terrible blurring job that I can only assume they want you to think this is who it looks like but it actually isn’t, unless it is who you think it is and they’re just trying to make you think that it isn’t because why would they make it so obvious? Hm, this must be that “four dimensional chess” I’ve been hearing so much about lately.
Marvel Previews p. 103 – Muppet Babies Omnibus HC:
At last, the classic all-ages comic is back in print, in the $75 hardcover format that children love!
Hey, I was into the End of Civilization before it was cool…and so were a lot of you, if you’ve been reading my site for any length of time. So, let us all gather together in our old school hipness and plow through the new Diamond Previews, March 2017 edition, and see what new and frightening things are coming that those poseurs just wouldn’t get, maaaaan:
p. 46 – Predator: Hunters #1:
As opposed to “Predator: Cobblers,” or “Predator: Mailmen,” or “Predator: Senior Wastewater Treatment Operators.” …I suspect infrastructure on the Predators’ homeworld is something of a mess.
p. 71 – Lobster Johnson: The Pirate’s Ghost #3:
Now that the menace of the Pirate’s Ghost has been taken care of, I know what I want Lobster Johnson to tackle next…if he can figure out what exactly it is he needs to be tackling:
p. 127 – DC Currents #2:
Finally, a comic book adaptation of “Operation: Sprechenhaltestelle!”
p. 139 – DC Horror: House of Secrets Vol. 1 HC:
Okay, soon as this comes out, someone remind me to update this post with that book and the probably half-dozen other comics/books/quilts I’ve bought with the same danged story.
p. 158 – Ghostbusters Funko Universe:
Looking forward to the Pop! figures Funko will do based on the comic based on their figures. And then the comic based on those Pop! figures, and the figures based on that comic, and on and on until the black hole opens up and swallows us all.
p. 199 – Youngblood #1:
A looooong time ago on this site I cracked wise about whatever iteration of the Youngblood comic was then being published, and the writer sent me a long email griping at me that I actually never finished reading and accidentally (yes, honestly, accidentally) deleted before I could. I won’t have this problem with Chad Bowers, who’s a Twitter pal and thus his responses to my dumb comments will be restricted to 140-character chunks that I’ll be able to more easily consume.
p. 200 – Spawn #1 25th Anniversary Director’s Cut:
Maybe we’ll finally find out why the caption “His hell-cape…ADVANTAGEOUS!” was cut.
p. 283 – Trump Vs. Time Lincoln:
Sure, you laugh now, but the way things have been, this comic could very well turn out to be a documentary.
p. 283 – Bark’s Groot Beer T-Shirt:
It seems like this is just straight-up a Marvel Comics shirt not from Marvel Comics. I mean, is it just parody enough for them to get away with it? I honestly don’t understand.
p. 307 – Jim Henson’s The Power of the Dark Crystal #4:
“Look, Jim Henson’s Dinosaurs: Season Five has the Sinclair family struggling to survive in their new frozen world….”
“Mike, please stop calling our offices.”
p. 330 – Swordquest #0:
“@chadbowers @theisb: Look this comic can be about a young Spike Merling who’s upset that this new Atari game isn’t really any good….”
“@mikesterling: BLOCKED”
p. 370 – The Magical Twins HC:
Okay, I just processed a whole bunch of Catwoman comics at the shop recently, so I think I can hardly be blamed for seeing the phrase “Magical Twins” and having this come to mind:
Nevertheless, I apologize to everyone.
p. 376 – Harvey Hits #1:
Hey, if you guys need any help putting together a themed Harvey anthology, I may have some ideas.
p. 492 – Colossus “Shine” Black T-Shirt:
I wouldn’t wear one of these around the nation’s capital right now, is all I’m sayin’.
Punxsutawney Phil has poked his nose into the newest Diamond Previews, and has determined that the End of Civilization is fully on its way! Poke your own nose into the pages of the February 2017 edition of that very mag, and follow along:
p. 49 – The Art of Splatoon HC:
Oh, sure, this gets published, but a collection of my life’s work, my extensive photograph collection “The Art of Spittoons,” is called “too appalling for publication.” I see how it is.
p. 57 – The Life and Times of Martha Washington in the Twenty-First Century [Second Edition] TP:
Now repackaged with the blurb “Enjoy the bright, optimistic alternate history of the 21st century!”
p. 82 – Batman #21:
Okay, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that Watchmen was never going to reach its full potential until Batman got involved somehow. That’s just truth, friend, and you’re going to have to live with it.
p. 91 – Aquaman #20:
Eventually they’re going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel for nautically-inspired villain names: “Aquaman in his final yawn-inducing battle with the Doldrums!”
p. 139 – Batman Zero Hour TP:
At last, all the stories you need under one cover, finally setting straight once and for all the post-Crisis on Infinite Earths, pre-Flashpoint, pre-Infinite Crisis, pre-New 52, post-Legends, pre-Rebirth continuity of Batman!
p. 158 – Star Trek New Visions The Traveler:
Looking at the silhouette on the cover, maybe it’s a prequel featuring this guy before the male pattern space-baldness settled in?
p. 283 – Vader Raiders T-Shirt:
“So we can do a shirt for the ‘Charlotte Green Hornets.'”
“Um….”
“‘The Tennessee Teen Titans!'”
“Yeah, uh….”
“‘The Toronto Blue Jedis!'”
“I don’t….”
“‘The Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean!'”
“Is there no one else in the office you can talk to?”
p. 416 – Doctor Who Ghost Stories #1:
No offense to the actual creative team, but if anyone was going to do a tie-in specifically to the 2016 Christmas Special, surely it should have been John Byrne.
p. 428 – Alien The Coloring Book:
“So what color is ichor, anyway?”
“Use your ‘vomitous viridescence’ crayon.”
“I already used that one up in my Lovecraft coloring book.”
p. 429 – The Art and Making of Alien Covenant:
Just page after page of storyboards of people sticking their faces stupidly close to obviously dangerous creatures.
p. 471 – Official DC Super Hero Joke Book: Why Did Batman Cross the Road? SC:
“Um…’for justice?'”
“No.”
“‘To catch the Joker?'”
“No. I mean, that’s not even really funny.”
“‘Because his parents are dead?'”
“Look, that’s just mean.”
p. 473 – The Neil Gaiman Coloring Book SC:
Carton upon carton of black and grey crayons not included.
p. 474 – Harry Potter Talking Sorting Hat and Sticker Book:
“Hmmm, let me see here…yes, yes, it’s Barbie’s Dream House for you!”
Barbie: “YAAAAY I knew it!”
p. 475 – The Wild Adventures of King Kong Vs. Tarzan SC:
Tarzan: “This vine seems awfully…girthy.”
Jane: “THAT’S NOT A VINE”
p. 475 – Star Trek Cats HC:
Surely she’ll be in there:
…And maybe even her:
…and of course this catperson, and Data’s cat Spot, and…well, the list goes on.
p. 476 – Star Wars Widevision The Original Topps Trading Card Series Volume 1 HC:
Look, about three different jokes about Porkins and, y’know “Widevision” came immediately to mind, and I know that’s low-hanging and certainly non-PC material to grab at, so I’ll try to be the bigger man about this.
p. 490 – Jason Todd R.I.P. T-Shirt:
“No, seriously, it’s a comic book character! He was killed off in the comics, kinda! It’s referring to that!”
“Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge. Get in the car.”
p. 522 – Arkham City Harley Quinn 1/1-Scale Foam Replica:
“Harold, just what is that weird squeaking sound coming out of Junior’s room?”
It’s 2017, and here comes the End of Civilization! …No, come back! I mean my regular journey through the new issue of Diamond Previews (the January 2017 edition, in this case)! Anyway, come along with me and we’ll see what the coming year has in store for us…and before you get mad about the crayon joke, I remind you it could be referring to the pantsuits.
p. 78 – He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: A Character Guide and World Compendium:
At last, a comprehensive listing of high tides, sunrises and sunsets in Eternia, as well as a copy of its constitution and all sporting event results. Skeletor may have tried to keep all this important information to himself, but no more, I say!
p. 123 – Dark Knight III The Master Race #8:
FINALLY, after all the delays the exciting conclusion is h–
…sigh.
p. 125 – Booster Gold/The Flintstones Annual #1:
Of course this paves the way for the Flintstones to go up against the menace of Vandal Savage, or for them to meet Bomba or Anthro…don’t tell me you don’t want to see that.
p. 162 – DC Designer Series The Joker by Brian Bolland Statue:
“It was at around this point of the development of civilization that humanity first started associating recording devices called ‘cameras’ with evil clowns, for reasons that now elude us,” declared the future clown-historians of the year 12,000.
p. 203 – Top 100 Comic Book Movies:
I’m going to have to warn you, there’s a huge drop-off in quality between the number one movie and number two.
p. 291 – Millennium Asteroids T-Shirt:
Okay, for a second there you almost had me, since in Previews it’s hard to see the detail of the Millennium Falcon in there. I’d probably wear actual (and licensed!) t-shirts of old Atari games. They’d probably sell a million of these. And surely you’d get plenty of irony-sales to computer programmers for this design. And who wouldn’t want to wear this? Just Boston fans alone….
p. 291 – Uncivil War Inaugural Edition Coloring Book:
MEANWHILE, AT CRAYOLA INDUSTRIES: “I don’t get it? Our orange crayon sales are through the roof!”
p. 310 – Bart Simpson Suckerpunch GN:
I don’t think anyone expected a Simpsons adaptation of this Zack Snyder film. You’ll never look at Agnes Skinner the same away again.
p. 319 – The March of the Crabs Vol. 2 HC:
I didn’t look very closely at this at first and I immediately thought “oh no, poor John Lewis.”
p. 348 – Nancy Drew & The Hardy Boys The Big Lie #1:
Finally, a follow-up to this comic where our favorite junior detectives finally dig down to THE TRUTH.
p. 361 – The Badger Color Therapy for Adults Coloring Book:
In case you wanted to make up your own conclusion for the previous Badger mini-series, since the last issue was unfortunately cancelled and, far as I can tell, not resolicited.
p. 488 – Doctor Who T Is for TARDIS HC:
“D is for Dalek, the Doctor’s arch-foe
Who make us say ‘not THEM again, oh no'”
“R is for River, the Doctor’s Wife
Of whom we’ve seen enough in this life”
p. 489 – Marvel Spider-Man 1000 Dot-to-Dot Book:
“Wait…it’s his webbing again!? Gosh darn it!”
p. 493 – Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy Mad Libs:
“‘I am [name of giant plant member of the Guardians]!’ shouted [name of giant plant member of the Guardians].”
p. 554 – Squeezeez Donald Trump 3-Inch Rubber Toy:
Features authentic dialogue! Oh, wait, that’s not supposed to be a word balloon.
p. 595 – Table Museum The Scream:
Look, if they’re going to be doing figurines of classic paintings, I’m gonna hold out for the full “The Garden of Earthly Delights” playset.
p. 604 – Star Trek Titans 2016 New York Comic-Con Figures:
“Captain, the gravity on this planet is much too strong. We must depart immediately.”
“Ladies, please…not all of me is squished down to 4 1/2 inches.”
Marvel Previews p. 109 – Color Your Own Guardians of the Galaxy:
Good, because I’m coloring Drax a solid green, with purple clothes, just as God and Jim Starlin intended.
Marvel Previews p. 111 – Classified Prelude TPB:
Written by CLASSIFIED, penciled by CLASSIFIED, cover by CLASSIFIED, and by complete coincidence, my orders on this will be CLASSIFIED, too, until I actually know something about this thing. (And by “CLASSIFIED,” I mean “diddly-squat.”)
The votes have been tallied, and the majority of eligible voters have decided that they don’t want to see a new End of Civilization post. Thus, here is a new End of Civilization post, so pull out your copy of the December 2016 Previews and follow along! C’mon, just give me a chance:
p. 36 – The Visitor How and Why He Stayed #1:
So this, the other Mignolaverse books, the new Hellboy graphic novel…that Mike Mignola guy should take more years off from making comics if they’re going to increase his output that much!
p. 51 – Slayer Relentless #2:
For some reason I had it in my mind that this was a Stryper comic from Dark Horse and that we’d eventually get the Stryper/Hellboy: To Hell with The Devil crossover book. Anyway, don’t tell the guys in Slayer I thought they were Stryper.
p.52 – Soupy Leaves Home TP:
In case you’re wondering how old I am, I’m exactly “I Immediately Thought This Was About Soupy Sales” years old. White Fang and Black Tooth, sadly waving their paws as Soupy Sales walks off into the indeterminate distance.
p. 110 – Batman ’66 Meets Wonder Woman ’77 #2:
So for the next series, let’s throw Superman ’78 into the mix. Or Superman ’52. Either/or. Or both, what the heck. And maybe Superman ’48, too. You can never have too many Supermen.
p. 121 – Direct Currents #2:
Finally, DC Comics has the rights to the greatest Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker film. (No, not Ruthless People, though that was pretty good, too.)
p. 177 – Vintage Romance Comic Book Covers Coloring Book:
“So what’s the best color for ‘silently pining over the handsomest boy in the school?” “I don’t know, is it the same color as ‘Repeating the Joke from the Serenity Coloring Book Entry?'”
p. 180 – Star Wars Newspaper Comics Vol. 1:
“Man oh man, Darth Vader sure hates Mondays! He’s hilarious!”
p. 263 – The Pink Panther Super Pink Special:
So I was totally ready to make a “that guy Pink’s carrying is totally naked, isn’t he?” joke, but apparently that seems to be a thing. And yes, the character’s name does appear to be “The White Man.” What can I tell you.
p. 269 – Doctor Stranger Things T-Shirt:
These things just sort of autogenerate out of the frothing loam of the internet, don’t they? Can loam even froth? I bet on the internet it can.
p. 280 – Fathom #1:
Remember when I used to make jokes about all the #1s Fathom and other Aspen books seemed to have, back when that was an unusual thing?
p. 294 – Planet of the Apes/Green Lantern #1:
So of course this means the Great Grape Ape is one of the Violet “Love” Lanterns:
I mean, that’s close enough, right? Besides, look what he’s doing to that van.
p. 333 – James Bond Felix Leiter #2:
So where’s our “Jaws” comic? Or “Eve Moneypenny, Secretary Spy?” Or the “Dr. Christmas Jones” comic, which might have to be an annual since people would assume it could only co[REST OF ENTRY REDACTED]
When I first saw this out of the corner of my eye while flipping through Previews, I thought it read “Harvey Pekar’s Toy Story,” and what I wouldn’t give to see that. “Ah c’mon man, toys can’t talk, get real.” Also, I hope that remains the cover image.
p. 383 – The Smurfs The Village Behind the Wall GN:
I can’t believe Donald Smurf actually went through with it and put up that wall. You just know the Smurfs are the ones who are going to end up Smurfing for it.
p. 430 – Fukufuku Kitten Tales Volume 2 GN:
I can see absolutely no possibility of children finding inappropriate humor from the title of this book.
p. 448 – The Ages of the Justice League SC:
Well, Superman is 29, and Batman is 29, and Wonder Woman is…well, she’s supposed to be a lot older, right? Anyway, you shouldn’t ask her…it’s rude.
p. 516 – Hellraiser Pinhead Life-Size Bust:
I’ve probably gone to the “what would Grandma say?” well a few too many times about items like this, but, honestly, What Would Grandma Say? And I mean, like, Traditional Grandmas, from Norman Rockwell paintings, not Cool Rock ‘n’ Roll Grannies like I’m sure I’m going to hear about.
p. 517 – One-12 Collective Marvel Red Skull Action Figure:
Well, this should be a popular figure.
p. 598 – Pokemon Kanto Monopoly:
Do not pass Lavender Town, do not collect, um, Haunters, I guess? Look, I’m Wiki-ing up all this, I don’t know.
Marvel Previews p. 103 – Marvel Retro Cloth Punisher Action Figure Gift Set:
WHAT PUNISHER LOOKS LIKE IN THE COMICS: [huge and terrifying heavily muscled guy]
WHAT PUNISHER LOOKS LIKE IN REAL LIFE: [see picture above]
Marvel Previews p. 133 – Devil Dinosaur by Jack Kirby Poster:
People used to make fun of Devil Dinosaur way back when, and now here’s a poster you can buy. Good ol’ Kirby, he knew what was up even when we didn’t.
Get ready to cast your vote…for the End of Civilization, as represented by this, the November 2016 edition of Diamond Previews. Get out your copy, along with your sample ballots, and follow along, why don’cha. WARNING: contains one (1) reference to a plot development in a 30-year-old DC mini-series, and at least one (1) thing I’m going to get a drive-by “um, actually” over:
p. 59 – Will Eisner The Centennial Celebration 1917-2017:
Sure was nice of them to homage the classic scene from Frank Miller’s The Spirit on the cover:
p. 70 – The Manara Library Volume 1 Indian Summer and Other Stories TP:
Wait ’til you see the full-body portrait of Milo Manara that Frank Cho is providing for the variant!
p. 73 – Game of Thrones Hand of the Queen Pin:
“What will we do with all these leftover Wolverine keychains?”
“Here, let me see ’em.” [snaps off two claws] “There you are.”
“Brilliant!”
p. 76 – Kamandi Challenge #1:
Looking forward to Albert Einstein’s appearance in issue #6 to get the story straightened out and back on track.
p. 311 – Jungle Fantasy Ivory #6 Luscious Variant:
I’m sensing a theme, here.
p. 454 – Tale As Old As Time: The Art and Making of Beauty and the Beast Updated Edition HC:
“As old as time” — or at least as old as the year 1740, when the original “Beauty and the Beast” story was first written and published. ALSO AS OLD AS TIME: pedants like me pointing that out.
p. 456 – Elvira Mistress of the Dark Photo Biography HC:
NOTICE: NOT A POP-UP BOOK.
p. 474 – Batman “Skull Art” Black T-Shirt:
1980s Gotham kids had their own weird variant of the homemade “Suicidal Tendencies” t-shirt, didn’t they.
p. 481 – Watchmen Nite Owl Vinimate Vinyl Figure:
You know, the way the leg joints are done on these things, they might be able to do a nekkid Dr. Manhattan and just claim ignorance. “No, that’s not supposed to look like…you know, that’s just where the legs connect! We swear!”
p. 486 – Batman Classic TV Series Batphone Vinyl Bank:
No joke (other than having an actual bat-shaped phone might have raised questions in the Wayne household), but let’s just enjoy Alfred answering the actual non-bat-shaped batphone from the show:
EDIT: I’ve been informed that this is the phone from the Batmobile, which still seems wildly impractical. You know, as opposed to all the practical stuff from the Batman TV show.
p. 492 – Aliens Fossilized Space Jockey Foam Replica:
Not included: the vague disappointment upon finding out in Prometheus that this guy was probably just a big ol’ human-looking fella.
p. 492 – Predator Accessory Pack:
Also may be used to liven up the Barbie Dreamhouse. “What secret is Skipper keeping in her private room?”
p. 504 – Pop! The Walking Dead Vinyl Figure – Carl (Zombie Guts):
So eventually they’re going to do the “Carl (Shot in the Face)” variant, but will they just do the bandage over the eye, or will they just bore a hole right through one of those black shiny orbs?
p. 532 – Child Play’s Chucky Bishoujo Statue:
Why, this is the second-sexiest version of Chucky that I’ve ever seen.
p. 544 – The Bonsai 1 Plastic Model Kit:
“A 1/12 scale model of a bonsai tree. Well, sure, why not…even I can’t screw this up.”
[10 hours later, glue and plastic pieces everywhere]
“SON OF A BITCH, YOU F’ING–”
p. 564 – Namco Arcade Machine Collection:
I’m ashamed to admit how long I looked into these things trying to find out if they were working mini-replicas. (I’m still not sure.)
p. 568 – DC Heroes “For Darkseid” Decal:
This is a great accompaniment to the New Gods line of “family sticker” window decals, with silhouetted images of Orion, Kalibak, Highfather…um, this sounded funnier in my head. A sticker featuring the outline of Metron in his chair just by himself in the rear window of a station wagon is still a good gag, right? …Right?
p. 575 – Suicide Squad Lapel Pin Sets:
“I’d like to buy the Ghost Rider pin, please.”
“But that’s not….”
“Boy, I sure do love Ghost Rider. Here, please take my money.”
“…Okay, thanks for shopping.”
Marvel Previews p. 5 – Monsters Unleashed #1 Teaser Variant Cover by Geof Darrow:
TWO YOUTUBE JOKES:
1. Have this playing along while you read this comic:
2. At long last, Marvel has finally adapted Bambi Meets Godzilla:
Marvel Previews p. 39 – Amazing Spider-Man #23:
“Peter, seriously, do you ever trim your nose hair?”
Okay, you hockey pucks, try to keep up…if it helps, mouth the words as you read along in your copy of the April 2017 Diamond Previews, assuming you cheapskates actually bought it for yourselves:
