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Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ June 5th, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 12 Comments

Civilization ain’t over just quite yet, gang, but will this month’s Previews offerings (in the June 2017 edition) be enough to push it over the edge? Come along with me and let’s find out…together:

p. 62 – Star Trek The Next Generation Adult Coloring Book – Continuing Missions:

“What color is the ongoing obsession with weird alien sexuality?”

p. 72 – Dark Nights: Metal #1:

CUT TO: Pied Piper trying to force his way into this event. “The flute is a heavy metal instrument!” he argues loudly.
p. 106 – DC Superhero Girls Past Times at Super Hero High:

p. 115 – Teen Titans Go #23:

So long as Baby Superman there doesn’t end up in a microwave, we should be okay.
p. 117 – Superman and the Miserable, Rotten, No Fun, Really Bad Day HC:

Looking forward to future releases Green Lantern and Ham, Crisis of Infinite Berenstains, and To Think I Saw It on Danny the Street.
p. 121 – The Newsboy Legion and the Boy Commandos Special #1:

Chaykin’s doing this, so I expect the Newsboys will become Newsmen at some point, and we’ll finally find out the real reason they’re called “commandos.”
p. 132 – Superman Reborn HC:

Finally, the all-new, complete, canon history of Superman ’til the next one comes along in a couple of years!
p. 272 – Casper The Friendly Ghost #2:

Look, I’m all for new Casper comics, but I don’t know if I’m ready for modern stories with, like, Casper on Facebook or the Ghostly Trio texting each other or anything. I’m still trying to recover from that final Carl Barks story where one of Donald’s nephews refers to a fax machine.
p. 277 – Dark Cider T-shirt:

I can’t imagine the producers of these shirts aren’t hearing from Disney on a regular basis.
p. 326 – Grumpy Cat/Garfield #1:

I volunteer to write the Marvin/Dancing Baby comic.
p. 341 – The Green Hornet ’66 Meets the Spirit #2:

Issue number two of the characters arguing who had the best film adaptation in the 2000s!
p. 376 – That Time I Got Reincarnated As a Slime Volume 1 GN:

You do a story about a dude reincarnated as a typical monster in a Dungeons & Dragons-type game, and you don’t go with the best one?
p. 525 – Pumps Miniature High Heels Featuring DC Heroes & Villains (Blind Box Assortment):

Just dropping “THIS IS A FETISH FOR SOMEONE” as the punchline is awfully easy, but if ever a situation called for it…
p. 525 – The Joker Calling Card Statue:

With just a slight repaint job, this could be the Addams Family/Batman ’66 crossover that never was.
p. 528 – Mr. Potato Head Alien Xenomorph & p. 549 – Mr. Potato Head Predator:

NO MATTER WHO WINS, WE…well, also win, I guess. C’mon, it’s Mr. Potato Head, he’s awesome.
p. 554 – Spider-Man Homecoming Vulture Attack Set:

If I go see this Spider-Man: Homecoming movie and there isn’t a building that looks exactly like that anywhere in there, I’m walking out of the theater and demanding my money back.
p. 555 – Star Wars Collectors Gallery IG-88 Statue:

Did IG-88 ever move this much in the one scene he was in? I feel like he’d topple over if he moved his legs like that.
p. 577 – Toy Box Sofubi 014 Nessie the Loch Ness Monster Soft Vinyl Figure:

Even more real than the real thing!
p. 613 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Short Range Walkie Talkies:

Relive that scene in the Guardians of the Galaxy film where Drax picks up Rocket and shouts directly into his face in an attempt to radio Star-Lord. Genuine pissed-off space trash panda action!
p. 617 – The Lord of the Rings Middle Earth 5 Coin Set:

Just like the slammers used in that fateful pog tournament between Gollum and Bilbo deep within the caves beneath the Misty Mountains.
p. 631 – Star Wars 40th Anniversary Edition Monopoly Game:

Do not pass Tosche Station, do not collect your power converters.
Marvel Previews p. 91 – Star Wars Mace Windu #1:

Getting ever, ever closer to the inevitable Jar Jar Binks mini-series. It’ll happen someday. And when it does, I’ll buy it, and so will you. Search your feelings…you know it to be true.
p. 114 – Color Your Own Star Wars Darth Vader :

Once again:

“…Bring out the Sith Lord’s rarely seen lighter side with pastels!”

…the actual solicitation text beats me to the joke. Well played, anonymous solicitation text writer…well played indeed.
Marvel Previews p. 125 – Marvel’s Thor Ragnarok Prelude TPB:

So going by the logic presented here (and in previous Marvel movie comics of late), in that the “Ragnarok Prelude” is in fact a comic book adaptation of the previous Thor film The Dark World, then the currently running Rogue One adaptation should be called A New Hope Prelude.

…Hey, maybe the comic book adaptation of the Howard the Duck movie could be repackaged as the Guardians of the Galaxy Prelude! You can have that one for free, Marvel!

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ May 3rd, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 4 Comments

Pull yourself together, man! Can’t you see we have a whole new End of Civilization to get through? Pick up your May 2017 edition of Diamond Previews and follow me…into glory:

p. 154 – TMNT/Usagi Yojimbo:

Finally, the long-awaited follow-up on the evolution vs. creation discussion from Usagi Yojimbo Vol. 2 #2:

At last this debate will finally be resolved.
p. 183 – Behind You: One-Shot Horror Stories:

The shocking follow-up to this terrifying tale.
p. 208 – Mage The Hero Denied #0:

It was 11 years between The Hero Discovered and The Hero Defined, and it’s been almost 20 years since the end of that second series and the beginning of this new one. Man, it’s going to be like forty years between the end of The Hero Denied and the 2058 debut of The Hero Disco-Dances. Guess I’d better eat healthy if I’m going to be around for that one.
p. 242-3 – The Walking Dead Lucille Ballpoint Pen / Glenn Legacy Edition Action Figure

Oddly, not a gift set.
p. 283 – The Tremendous Trump:

Just trying to picture the kinds of comics we would have had with Hillary or Bernie, and, well, silver linings and all that.
p. 336-7 – Centipede #1:

Not looking forward to the eventual Custer’s Revenge comic. However, I totally call dibs on writing the Haunted House one.
p. 349 – Gwar Orgasmageddon #2:

The ultra-rare variant is of course the version where you open up the cover and you’re immediately sprayed head-to-toe with…well, let’s say “blood,” if you’re lucky.
p. 359 – No Panties, No Problem 1:

“Why, that was my high school’s prom the–”


“That was on the sign we had by the door at my old jo–”


p. 441 – Magical Dance Vol. 2:

“Good gravy, Pooh! That’s not honey! You’re eating CROSS GENRE PROPERTY EXPLOITATION”

“oh bother”
p. 471 – Black Flag #1:

Rise above my war, as the thirsty and miserable overcome their depression and life of pain with a six pack and a tv party over three nights. Jealous again?
p. 479 – Awesome Activities for Super Heroes SC:

“Batman, the Joker’s escaped again! You must come quickly!”

“I can’t right now, Commissioner, I’m…um, in the middle of something.”

“…You’re doodling again, aren’t you?”

p. 479 – Batman & Robin Adventures: Catwoman’s Purrfect Plot TP:

“So, darrrrling, do you know what…comes after the ‘rising action?'”

“Holy literary innuendo!”
p. 480 – DC Super Girls Katana at Super Hero High SC:

Sadly, Katana was expelled immediately for bringing a weapon on campus, and is currently facing charges.
p. 486 – 100 Things Game of Thrones Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die SC:

“#48: Die like a Games of Thrones character.”

GOT FAN: “Uh…what?”
p. 583 – Toy Box Sofubi 013: Humpback Whale Soft Vinyl Figure:

Finally, my Star Trek IV action figure set is complete. Well, once I buy two of these, anyway.
p. 623 – Nintendo Mario and Toshi Adult Inflatable Costume:

“Itsa me! A fetish for someone!”
p. 627 – Pac-Man Chocolate Cream Sticks:

Just like the Chocolate Cream Sticks Pac-Man eats in the g–what? No, not the dots. They’re, like, one of the bonus fruits that appear, right? …Look, just eat the cream sticks. They’re tasty.
p. 635 – The Terminator The Official Board Game:


Look, just say it really loud. It’s hilarious.
p. 636 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Monopoly:

Groot to jail. Groot directly to…no, huh? Look, they can’t all be winners.
p. 636 – Pirates of the Caribbean Ultimate Monopoly:

You know, Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly was fun the first couple of times, but by the, oh, fifth go-round, it kinda wears out its welcome.
p. 636 – Pirates of the Caribbean Battleship:

“So let’s parley, savvy? Savvy the ol’ parley, do we? Then parley we shall, savvy!”

“Look, I’m sinking my own battleship. I’m dead ‘n’ gone. I’M OUT”

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ April 7th, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 7 Comments

Okay, you hockey pucks, try to keep up…if it helps, mouth the words as you read along in your copy of the April 2017 Diamond Previews, assuming you cheapskates actually bought it for yourselves:

p. 113 – Batman/Elmer Fudd Special #1:

There are a whole slew of Looney Tunes characters teaming up with DC superheroes, but the one I want to see most is Gabby Goat teaming up with, well…anybody:

Can’t you just see him hangin’ out with, I don’t know, Green Arrow? They could exchange beard-grooming tips.
p. 130 – DC Universe Rebirth Omnibus Expanded Edition HC:

Reissued in order to include comics that debuted after the first edition of this volume…I hope Rebirth goes on for years just to see how fat this book gets. “DC Universe Rebirth Omnibus Expanded 14th Edition – Now Includes Steel Hand Truck.”
p. 134 – DC Super Hero Girls A Kids Coloring Book:

Wait…what if the companies decide they can save money by releasing all their comics in black and white and calling them all “coloring books?” …Actually, might get a more significant portion of the general public interested in comics, come to think of it.
p. 141 – Watchmen The Annotated Edition HC:

“And on this page, we see Dr. Manhattan’s wiener again! Tee hee!”
p. 168 – Clue #1:

Will this comic be called Cluedo when released outside the U.S.? Asking for a guy who’s semi-obsessed with the fact everyone else calls it “Cluedo” – a guy who definitely isn’t me, by the way.
p. 202 – Shirtless Bear Fighter #1:

Rack with “Guy in Bat Costume Who Punches Weird Criminals” and “Man with Spider-Powers Who Has Problems.” Will still likely be asked by someone “what’s this about?”
p. 312 – Jungle Fantasy Annual 2017 Beautifed:

From the solicitation:

“‘Beautified’ is our name for variant interior artwork, with less clothes! So the story just got more nude.”

I can’t even make fun. They know what they want, and what their audience wants, and it sells. I admire its purity. …Also, I think this was sort of the same thing Barry Blair did with the old Leather and Lace comic.
p. 332 – Mighty Mouse #1:

Yes, that’s a realistically-painted Mighty Mouse cover by Alex Ross you see there. That started me to thinking about a realistic live-action Mighty Mouse…like, an actual mouse, with a little cape, that just darts from nook to cranny, poops and pees on everything, and chews and shreds whatever it can, and makes everything around it just plain smell funny. …Look, I can’t stop the future, I can only prepare you for it.
p. 358 – Walt Disney’s Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck The Don Rosa Library Vol. 7 The Treasure of the Ten Avatars:

In which Donald and Scrooge uncover James Cameron’s upcoming film plans.
p. 478 – Best of Fresh Natural Girls HC:

I can’t wait to find out about all the comics these girls like! I mean, why else would this be in the catalog?
p. 480 – 100 Things Spider-Man Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die SC:

I propose a follow-up, One Thing Spider-Man Fans Should Do As They Die, which would of course be “Let Spider-Man catch you after being thrown off a bridge.”
p. 484 – Spider-Man Doodles SC:

I can’t believe they brought the 1990s Marvel Tryout Book back into print.
p. 484 – Marvel’s Spider-Man Mad Libs:

Please please please let there be “with great [noun] comes great [noun].”
p. 504 – Previews Cover Marvel Secret Empire Black T-Shirt SC:

Whoa, hold on, when did this start happening? And if they’re actually doing t-shirts with Previews covers, then I know which one I want:

p. 505 – Previews Logo T-Shirts:

Ah, the all-purpose Previews t-shirt, the official clothing in which to read my “End of Civilization” posts, and conveniently available for preorder at Sterling Silver Comics!
p. 540 – Twin Peaks Log Lady/Log Pin Mate Set:

This looks all the world like the Log Lady had a log costume she would occasionally put on to fight, like, owl-crime. And, to be honest, we haven’t seen the upcoming Twin Peaks revival so, you know, maybe she does.
p. 551 – Twin Peaks Action Figures – Laura in Plastic:

Brother, look at all that action. …Unless they’re talking about Laura’s body being the catalyst for action from the other characters in the show, in which case I salute their extension of the descriptor “action” in this context.
p. 560 – Marvel Deadpool Wood Nesting Doll Set:

And inside that fifth doll…an itty-bitty Deathstroke.
p. 583 – Star Wars The Force Awakens BB-8 Silicone Tray:

I see they were finally able to repurpose the poorly-selling “Deformed Conjoined Tangerines Silicone Tray.”
p. 624 – Power Rangers Movie Adult Helmet:

pfffft PLEASE, as if any adults like the Power Rangers!
p. 627 – The Walking Dead Lucille 36-inch Foam Replica Bat:

Handy for helping you pretend to cave in the skulls of your friends as they kneel quaking in fear before you, and much easier to clean than an actual bat wrapped in real barbed wire!
p. 627 – The Walking Dead Large Walker Bite Costume Effects Appliance:

Cover up those embarrassing hickeys with something only slightly less embarrassing!
p. 634 – The Walking Dead AMC Monopoly:

“Pass GO, Pass Jail, Just Keep Going Around in Circles Indefinitely.”
p. 636 – Sonic the Hedgehog 25th Anniversary Art Book HC:

“And I’m also including a chapter featuring all the fan-art from Tumblr!”

“GREAT SCOTT, MAN…are you trying to get us arrested?”
Marvel Previews p. 76 – X-Men Blue #5:

This is such a terrible blurring job that I can only assume they want you to think this is who it looks like but it actually isn’t, unless it is who you think it is and they’re just trying to make you think that it isn’t because why would they make it so obvious? Hm, this must be that “four dimensional chess” I’ve been hearing so much about lately.
Marvel Previews p. 103 – Muppet Babies Omnibus HC:

At last, the classic all-ages comic is back in print, in the $75 hardcover format that children love!

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ March 6th, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 9 Comments

Hey, I was into the End of Civilization before it was cool…and so were a lot of you, if you’ve been reading my site for any length of time. So, let us all gather together in our old school hipness and plow through the new Diamond Previews, March 2017 edition, and see what new and frightening things are coming that those poseurs just wouldn’t get, maaaaan:

p. 46 – Predator: Hunters #1:

As opposed to “Predator: Cobblers,” or “Predator: Mailmen,” or “Predator: Senior Wastewater Treatment Operators.” …I suspect infrastructure on the Predators’ homeworld is something of a mess.
p. 71 – Lobster Johnson: The Pirate’s Ghost #3:

Now that the menace of the Pirate’s Ghost has been taken care of, I know what I want Lobster Johnson to tackle next…if he can figure out what exactly it is he needs to be tackling:

p. 127 – DC Currents #2:

Finally, a comic book adaptation of “Operation: Sprechenhaltestelle!”
p. 139 – DC Horror: House of Secrets Vol. 1 HC:

Okay, soon as this comes out, someone remind me to update this post with that book and the probably half-dozen other comics/books/quilts I’ve bought with the same danged story.
p. 158 – Ghostbusters Funko Universe:

Looking forward to the Pop! figures Funko will do based on the comic based on their figures. And then the comic based on those Pop! figures, and the figures based on that comic, and on and on until the black hole opens up and swallows us all.
p. 199 – Youngblood #1:

A looooong time ago on this site I cracked wise about whatever iteration of the Youngblood comic was then being published, and the writer sent me a long email griping at me that I actually never finished reading and accidentally (yes, honestly, accidentally) deleted before I could. I won’t have this problem with Chad Bowers, who’s a Twitter pal and thus his responses to my dumb comments will be restricted to 140-character chunks that I’ll be able to more easily consume.
p. 200 – Spawn #1 25th Anniversary Director’s Cut:

Maybe we’ll finally find out why the caption “His hell-cape…ADVANTAGEOUS!” was cut.
p. 283 – Trump Vs. Time Lincoln:

Sure, you laugh now, but the way things have been, this comic could very well turn out to be a documentary.
p. 283 – Bark’s Groot Beer T-Shirt:

It seems like this is just straight-up a Marvel Comics shirt not from Marvel Comics. I mean, is it just parody enough for them to get away with it? I honestly don’t understand.
p. 307 – Jim Henson’s The Power of the Dark Crystal #4:

“Look, Jim Henson’s Dinosaurs: Season Five has the Sinclair family struggling to survive in their new frozen world….”

“Mike, please stop calling our offices.”
p. 330 – Swordquest #0:

“@chadbowers @theisb: Look this comic can be about a young Spike Merling who’s upset that this new Atari game isn’t really any good….”

“@mikesterling: BLOCKED”
p. 370 – The Magical Twins HC:

Okay, I just processed a whole bunch of Catwoman comics at the shop recently, so I think I can hardly be blamed for seeing the phrase “Magical Twins” and having this come to mind:

Nevertheless, I apologize to everyone.
p. 376 – Harvey Hits #1:

Hey, if you guys need any help putting together a themed Harvey anthology, I may have some ideas.
p. 492 – Colossus “Shine” Black T-Shirt:

I wouldn’t wear one of these around the nation’s capital right now, is all I’m sayin’.
p. 518 – Watchmen Vinimates Vinyl Figures:

No Seymour figure, hm? Snubbed again, the poor ginger bastard.
p. 539 – Pop! Godfather Vinyl Figures – Don Vito:

Please please please tell me the rare chase variant has him with the orange peel in his mouth.
p. 540 – Pop! Beauty and the Beast Vinyl Figures:

Boy, these Doctor Who villains just get weirder and weirder.
p. 546 – The Flash TV: The Flash Bust:

Oh c’mon, they just repainted those old Qwardian Thunderer busts.
p. 573 – Disney Hybrid Metal Figuration Figures – Huey Dewey & Louie Set:

Keep an eye out for the rare variant sets with the exclusive Phooey figure.
p. 578 – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Dobby 1/6-Scale Action Figure:

Comes with Dobby’s “freedom sock” for his Red Hot Chili Peppers cosplay.
p. 619 – Monopoly Dragon Ball Z Edition Board Game:

“Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not GO OVER 9000!!!”

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ February 6th, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 10 Comments

Punxsutawney Phil has poked his nose into the newest Diamond Previews, and has determined that the End of Civilization is fully on its way! Poke your own nose into the pages of the February 2017 edition of that very mag, and follow along:

p. 49 – The Art of Splatoon HC:

Oh, sure, this gets published, but a collection of my life’s work, my extensive photograph collection “The Art of Spittoons,” is called “too appalling for publication.” I see how it is.
p. 57 – The Life and Times of Martha Washington in the Twenty-First Century [Second Edition] TP:

Now repackaged with the blurb “Enjoy the bright, optimistic alternate history of the 21st century!”
p. 82 – Batman #21:

Okay, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that Watchmen was never going to reach its full potential until Batman got involved somehow. That’s just truth, friend, and you’re going to have to live with it.
p. 91 – Aquaman #20:

Eventually they’re going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel for nautically-inspired villain names: “Aquaman in his final yawn-inducing battle with the Doldrums!”
p. 139 – Batman Zero Hour TP:

At last, all the stories you need under one cover, finally setting straight once and for all the post-Crisis on Infinite Earths, pre-Flashpoint, pre-Infinite Crisis, pre-New 52, post-Legends, pre-Rebirth continuity of Batman!
p. 158 – Star Trek New Visions The Traveler:

Looking at the silhouette on the cover, maybe it’s a prequel featuring this guy before the male pattern space-baldness settled in?

p. 283 – Vader Raiders T-Shirt:

“So we can do a shirt for the ‘Charlotte Green Hornets.'”


“‘The Tennessee Teen Titans!'”

“Yeah, uh….”

“‘The Toronto Blue Jedis!'”

“I don’t….”

“‘The Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean!'”

“Is there no one else in the office you can talk to?”
p. 416 – Doctor Who Ghost Stories #1:

No offense to the actual creative team, but if anyone was going to do a tie-in specifically to the 2016 Christmas Special, surely it should have been John Byrne.
p. 428 – Alien The Coloring Book:

“So what color is ichor, anyway?”

“Use your ‘vomitous viridescence’ crayon.”

“I already used that one up in my Lovecraft coloring book.”
p. 429 – The Art and Making of Alien Covenant:

Just page after page of storyboards of people sticking their faces stupidly close to obviously dangerous creatures.
p. 471 – Official DC Super Hero Joke Book: Why Did Batman Cross the Road? SC:

“Um…’for justice?'”


“‘To catch the Joker?'”

“No. I mean, that’s not even really funny.”

“‘Because his parents are dead?'”

“Look, that’s just mean.”
p. 473 – The Neil Gaiman Coloring Book SC:

Carton upon carton of black and grey crayons not included.
p. 474 – Harry Potter Talking Sorting Hat and Sticker Book:

“Hmmm, let me see here…yes, yes, it’s Barbie’s Dream House for you!”

Barbie: “YAAAAY I knew it!”
p. 475 – The Wild Adventures of King Kong Vs. Tarzan SC:

Tarzan: “This vine seems awfully…girthy.”

p. 475 – Star Trek Cats HC:

Surely she’ll be in there:

…And maybe even her:

…and of course this catperson, and Data’s cat Spot, and…well, the list goes on.
p. 476 – Star Wars Widevision The Original Topps Trading Card Series Volume 1 HC:

Look, about three different jokes about Porkins and, y’know “Widevision” came immediately to mind, and I know that’s low-hanging and certainly non-PC material to grab at, so I’ll try to be the bigger man about this.
p. 490 – Jason Todd R.I.P. T-Shirt:

“No, seriously, it’s a comic book character! He was killed off in the comics, kinda! It’s referring to that!”

“Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge. Get in the car.”
p. 522 – Arkham City Harley Quinn 1/1-Scale Foam Replica:

“Harold, just what is that weird squeaking sound coming out of Junior’s room?”

“Mildred…you don’t want to know.”

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ January 2nd, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 10 Comments

It’s 2017, and here comes the End of Civilization! …No, come back! I mean my regular journey through the new issue of Diamond Previews (the January 2017 edition, in this case)! Anyway, come along with me and we’ll see what the coming year has in store for us…and before you get mad about the crayon joke, I remind you it could be referring to the pantsuits.

p. 78 – He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: A Character Guide and World Compendium:

At last, a comprehensive listing of high tides, sunrises and sunsets in Eternia, as well as a copy of its constitution and all sporting event results. Skeletor may have tried to keep all this important information to himself, but no more, I say!
p. 123 – Dark Knight III The Master Race #8:

FINALLY, after all the delays the exciting conclusion is h–

p. 125 – Booster Gold/The Flintstones Annual #1:

Of course this paves the way for the Flintstones to go up against the menace of Vandal Savage, or for them to meet Bomba or Anthro…don’t tell me you don’t want to see that.
p. 162 – DC Designer Series The Joker by Brian Bolland Statue:

“It was at around this point of the development of civilization that humanity first started associating recording devices called ‘cameras’ with evil clowns, for reasons that now elude us,” declared the future clown-historians of the year 12,000.
p. 203 – Top 100 Comic Book Movies:

I’m going to have to warn you, there’s a huge drop-off in quality between the number one movie and number two.
p. 291 – Millennium Asteroids T-Shirt:

Okay, for a second there you almost had me, since in Previews it’s hard to see the detail of the Millennium Falcon in there. I’d probably wear actual (and licensed!) t-shirts of old Atari games. They’d probably sell a million of these. And surely you’d get plenty of irony-sales to computer programmers for this design. And who wouldn’t want to wear this? Just Boston fans alone….
p. 291 – Uncivil War Inaugural Edition Coloring Book:

MEANWHILE, AT CRAYOLA INDUSTRIES: “I don’t get it? Our orange crayon sales are through the roof!”
p. 310 – Bart Simpson Suckerpunch GN:

I don’t think anyone expected a Simpsons adaptation of this Zack Snyder film. You’ll never look at Agnes Skinner the same away again.
p. 319 – The March of the Crabs Vol. 2 HC:

I didn’t look very closely at this at first and I immediately thought “oh no, poor John Lewis.”
p. 348 – Nancy Drew & The Hardy Boys The Big Lie #1:

Finally, a follow-up to this comic where our favorite junior detectives finally dig down to THE TRUTH.
p. 361 – The Badger Color Therapy for Adults Coloring Book:

In case you wanted to make up your own conclusion for the previous Badger mini-series, since the last issue was unfortunately cancelled and, far as I can tell, not resolicited.
p. 488 – Doctor Who T Is for TARDIS HC:

“D is for Dalek, the Doctor’s arch-foe
Who make us say ‘not THEM again, oh no'”

“R is for River, the Doctor’s Wife
Of whom we’ve seen enough in this life”
p. 489 – Marvel Spider-Man 1000 Dot-to-Dot Book:

“Wait…it’s his webbing again!? Gosh darn it!”
p. 493 – Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy Mad Libs:

“‘I am [name of giant plant member of the Guardians]!’ shouted [name of giant plant member of the Guardians].”
p. 554 – Squeezeez Donald Trump 3-Inch Rubber Toy:

Features authentic dialogue! Oh, wait, that’s not supposed to be a word balloon.
p. 595 – Table Museum The Scream:

Look, if they’re going to be doing figurines of classic paintings, I’m gonna hold out for the full “The Garden of Earthly Delights” playset.
p. 604 – Star Trek Titans 2016 New York Comic-Con Figures:

“Captain, the gravity on this planet is much too strong. We must depart immediately.”

“Ladies, please…not all of me is squished down to 4 1/2 inches.”
p. 614 – Jurassic World Inflatable T-Rex Costume:

Order now to receive just in time for the prom!


Finally, the official Sterling Silver Comics store uniform.


This Is A Fetish for Somebody.
Marvel Previews p. 109 – Color Your Own Guardians of the Galaxy:

Good, because I’m coloring Drax a solid green, with purple clothes, just as God and Jim Starlin intended.
Marvel Previews p. 111 – Classified Prelude TPB:

Written by CLASSIFIED, penciled by CLASSIFIED, cover by CLASSIFIED, and by complete coincidence, my orders on this will be CLASSIFIED, too, until I actually know something about this thing. (And by “CLASSIFIED,” I mean “diddly-squat.”)

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ December 2nd, 2016 § Filed under End of Civilization § 15 Comments

The votes have been tallied, and the majority of eligible voters have decided that they don’t want to see a new End of Civilization post. Thus, here is a new End of Civilization post, so pull out your copy of the December 2016 Previews and follow along! C’mon, just give me a chance:

p. 36 – The Visitor How and Why He Stayed #1:

So this, the other Mignolaverse books, the new Hellboy graphic novel…that Mike Mignola guy should take more years off from making comics if they’re going to increase his output that much!
p. 51 – Slayer Relentless #2:

For some reason I had it in my mind that this was a Stryper comic from Dark Horse and that we’d eventually get the Stryper/Hellboy: To Hell with The Devil crossover book. Anyway, don’t tell the guys in Slayer I thought they were Stryper.
p.52 – Soupy Leaves Home TP:

In case you’re wondering how old I am, I’m exactly “I Immediately Thought This Was About Soupy Sales” years old. White Fang and Black Tooth, sadly waving their paws as Soupy Sales walks off into the indeterminate distance.
p. 110 – Batman ’66 Meets Wonder Woman ’77 #2:

So for the next series, let’s throw Superman ’78 into the mix. Or Superman ’52. Either/or. Or both, what the heck. And maybe Superman ’48, too. You can never have too many Supermen.
p. 121 – Direct Currents #2:

Finally, DC Comics has the rights to the greatest Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker film. (No, not Ruthless People, though that was pretty good, too.)
p. 177 – Vintage Romance Comic Book Covers Coloring Book:

“So what’s the best color for ‘silently pining over the handsomest boy in the school?” “I don’t know, is it the same color as ‘Repeating the Joke from the Serenity Coloring Book Entry?'”
p. 180 – Star Wars Newspaper Comics Vol. 1:

“Man oh man, Darth Vader sure hates Mondays! He’s hilarious!”
p. 263 – The Pink Panther Super Pink Special:

So I was totally ready to make a “that guy Pink’s carrying is totally naked, isn’t he?” joke, but apparently that seems to be a thing. And yes, the character’s name does appear to be “The White Man.” What can I tell you.
p. 269 – Doctor Stranger Things T-Shirt:

These things just sort of autogenerate out of the frothing loam of the internet, don’t they? Can loam even froth? I bet on the internet it can.
p. 280 – Fathom #1:

Remember when I used to make jokes about all the #1s Fathom and other Aspen books seemed to have, back when that was an unusual thing?
p. 294 – Planet of the Apes/Green Lantern #1:

So of course this means the Great Grape Ape is one of the Violet “Love” Lanterns:

I mean, that’s close enough, right? Besides, look what he’s doing to that van.
p. 333 – James Bond Felix Leiter #2:

So where’s our “Jaws” comic? Or “Eve Moneypenny, Secretary Spy?” Or the “Dr. Christmas Jones” comic, which might have to be an annual since people would assume it could only co[REST OF ENTRY REDACTED]
p. 356 – The Overstreet Guide to Cosplay:

Finally, I can find out what that guy dressed as Desert Storm Wolverine is worth in mint condition!
p. 357 – Deepak Chopra’s Beyond #1:

In case any of the writers get stuck for ideas, this website is like the Brian Eno’s Oblique Strategies of Deepak-isms.
p. 364 – Disney-Pixar Cars #2:

The exciting fun-filled stories leading up to Lightning McQueen’s horrifying death or maiming!
p. 365 – Disney-Pixar Toy Story #3:

When I first saw this out of the corner of my eye while flipping through Previews, I thought it read “Harvey Pekar’s Toy Story,” and what I wouldn’t give to see that. “Ah c’mon man, toys can’t talk, get real.” Also, I hope that remains the cover image.
p. 383 – The Smurfs The Village Behind the Wall GN:

I can’t believe Donald Smurf actually went through with it and put up that wall. You just know the Smurfs are the ones who are going to end up Smurfing for it.
p. 430 – Fukufuku Kitten Tales Volume 2 GN:

I can see absolutely no possibility of children finding inappropriate humor from the title of this book.
p. 448 – The Ages of the Justice League SC:

Well, Superman is 29, and Batman is 29, and Wonder Woman is…well, she’s supposed to be a lot older, right? Anyway, you shouldn’t ask her…it’s rude.
p. 516 – Hellraiser Pinhead Life-Size Bust:

I’ve probably gone to the “what would Grandma say?” well a few too many times about items like this, but, honestly, What Would Grandma Say? And I mean, like, Traditional Grandmas, from Norman Rockwell paintings, not Cool Rock ‘n’ Roll Grannies like I’m sure I’m going to hear about.
p. 517 – One-12 Collective Marvel Red Skull Action Figure:

Well, this should be a popular figure.
p. 598 – Pokemon Kanto Monopoly:

Do not pass Lavender Town, do not collect, um, Haunters, I guess? Look, I’m Wiki-ing up all this, I don’t know.
Marvel Previews p. 103 – Marvel Retro Cloth Punisher Action Figure Gift Set:

WHAT PUNISHER LOOKS LIKE IN THE COMICS: [huge and terrifying heavily muscled guy]

Marvel Previews p. 133 – Devil Dinosaur by Jack Kirby Poster:


People used to make fun of Devil Dinosaur way back when, and now here’s a poster you can buy. Good ol’ Kirby, he knew what was up even when we didn’t.

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ October 31st, 2016 § Filed under End of Civilization § 10 Comments

Get ready to cast your vote…for the End of Civilization, as represented by this, the November 2016 edition of Diamond Previews. Get out your copy, along with your sample ballots, and follow along, why don’cha. WARNING: contains one (1) reference to a plot development in a 30-year-old DC mini-series, and at least one (1) thing I’m going to get a drive-by “um, actually” over:

p. 59 – Will Eisner The Centennial Celebration 1917-2017:

Sure was nice of them to homage the classic scene from Frank Miller’s The Spirit on the cover:

p. 70 – The Manara Library Volume 1 Indian Summer and Other Stories TP:

Wait ’til you see the full-body portrait of Milo Manara that Frank Cho is providing for the variant!
p. 73 – Game of Thrones Hand of the Queen Pin:

“What will we do with all these leftover Wolverine keychains?”

“Here, let me see ’em.” [snaps off two claws] “There you are.”

p. 76 – Kamandi Challenge #1:

Looking forward to Albert Einstein’s appearance in issue #6 to get the story straightened out and back on track.
p. 115 – Batman ’66 Meets Wonder Woman ’77 #1:

p. 149 – DCTV Supergirl Action Figure:

Nice of them to include the “Pippi Longstocking” variant head.
p. 230 – A Land Called Tarot HC:

“You have to get our of here! Your land is haunted!”

Hmmm…nope, not quite the same feel, is it?
p. 309 – Belladonna #4 Costume Change 3 Cvr Set:

Well, um…you’re not shy, are you?
p. 311 – Jungle Fantasy Ivory #6 Luscious Variant:

I’m sensing a theme, here.
p. 454 – Tale As Old As Time: The Art and Making of Beauty and the Beast Updated Edition HC:

“As old as time” — or at least as old as the year 1740, when the original “Beauty and the Beast” story was first written and published. ALSO AS OLD AS TIME: pedants like me pointing that out.
p. 456 – Elvira Mistress of the Dark Photo Biography HC:

p. 474 – Batman “Skull Art” Black T-Shirt:

1980s Gotham kids had their own weird variant of the homemade “Suicidal Tendencies” t-shirt, didn’t they.
p. 481 – Watchmen Nite Owl Vinimate Vinyl Figure:

You know, the way the leg joints are done on these things, they might be able to do a nekkid Dr. Manhattan and just claim ignorance. “No, that’s not supposed to look like…you know, that’s just where the legs connect! We swear!”
p. 486 – Batman Classic TV Series Batphone Vinyl Bank:

No joke (other than having an actual bat-shaped phone might have raised questions in the Wayne household), but let’s just enjoy Alfred answering the actual non-bat-shaped batphone from the show:

EDIT: I’ve been informed that this is the phone from the Batmobile, which still seems wildly impractical. You know, as opposed to all the practical stuff from the Batman TV show.
p. 492 – Aliens Fossilized Space Jockey Foam Replica:

Not included: the vague disappointment upon finding out in Prometheus that this guy was probably just a big ol’ human-looking fella.
p. 492 – Predator Accessory Pack:

Also may be used to liven up the Barbie Dreamhouse. “What secret is Skipper keeping in her private room?”
p. 504 – Pop! The Walking Dead Vinyl Figure – Carl (Zombie Guts):

So eventually they’re going to do the “Carl (Shot in the Face)” variant, but will they just do the bandage over the eye, or will they just bore a hole right through one of those black shiny orbs?
p. 532 – Child Play’s Chucky Bishoujo Statue:

Why, this is the second-sexiest version of Chucky that I’ve ever seen.
p. 544 – The Bonsai 1 Plastic Model Kit:

“A 1/12 scale model of a bonsai tree. Well, sure, why not…even I can’t screw this up.”

[10 hours later, glue and plastic pieces everywhere]

p. 564 – Namco Arcade Machine Collection:

I’m ashamed to admit how long I looked into these things trying to find out if they were working mini-replicas. (I’m still not sure.)
p. 568 – DC Heroes “For Darkseid” Decal:

This is a great accompaniment to the New Gods line of “family sticker” window decals, with silhouetted images of Orion, Kalibak, Highfather…um, this sounded funnier in my head. A sticker featuring the outline of Metron in his chair just by himself in the rear window of a station wagon is still a good gag, right? …Right?
p. 575 – Suicide Squad Lapel Pin Sets:

“I’d like to buy the Ghost Rider pin, please.”

“But that’s not….”

“Boy, I sure do love Ghost Rider. Here, please take my money.”

“…Okay, thanks for shopping.”
Marvel Previews p. 5 – Monsters Unleashed #1 Teaser Variant Cover by Geof Darrow:


1. Have this playing along while you read this comic:

2. At long last, Marvel has finally adapted Bambi Meets Godzilla:

Marvel Previews p. 39 – Amazing Spider-Man #23:

“Peter, seriously, do you ever trim your nose hair?”

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ October 3rd, 2016 § Filed under End of Civilization § 11 Comments

Okay, okay, fine…after months of pressure, I’ve finally released my personal End of Civilization returns. I hope you all find what you’re looking for in there…and maybe you should have a copy of the October 2016 edition of Diamond Previews to help you follow all my earnings and losses:

p. 125 – Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? #76:


[Ghost of Shakespeare is tied up, Daphne pulls off mask]

Velma: “Jinkies! It’s Christopher Marlowe!”

Marlowe: “I would have won the day if not for thee
You kids who meddle, make my plans for naught.”

(NOTES: see here for the original Internet Scooby-Doo/Shakespeare mash-up, that of course I didn’t remember ’til after I wrote this.)
p. 151 – Batman The Animated Series Batman, Robin and Mutant Leader Action Figure 3-Pack:

“So Marvel’s got toy Hulk hands that kids can wear, right?”


“And they also did Thing hands, if I remember correctly.”

“You do.”

“Okay. So what we should do is produce….”

“Batman hands?”

“No…Mutant Leader nipples. Be just like your favorite villain from the Batman cartoon by wearing th–”

“Get out of my office.”
p. 152 – DC Icons Swamp Thing Action Figure:

“Hi, I’m Alec, and after being on the Weight-Beaters power diet plan for only six weeks, I’ve lost all sorts of excess poundage! And look at how much weight my friend Cranius shed after six months!”

“I no longer even have a stomach! Or pretty much any other internal organs!”

“That’s great, Cranius!”
p. 157 – Star Trek/Green Lantern Vol. 2 #1:

Featuring the Guardians of the Wold Newton Universe!
p. 271 – Cavewoman Monster Dreams One-Shot Massey Cover B:

Well, wouldn’t you know it, someone’s beat me to my Halloween costume.
p. 273 – Alexander Hamilton:

Why, that doesn’t look like the Hamilton I’m familiar with at all.
p. 278 – #TeamBetty Blue T-Shirt/#TeamVeronica Red T-Shirt:



p. 322 – Wonder Woman ’77 Meets The Bionic Woman #1:

Here’s hoping for the follow-up Ace the Bat-Hound/Run, Joe, Run, for which I suspect I’d be the only audience.
p. 410 – Doctor Who Tenth Doctor Year Three #1:

“I believe that this publisher should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of publishing a Doctor Who comic based on the Peter Cushing movies.” [cheers, applause]
p. 445 – The Pokemon Cookbook Easy and Fun Recipes:

“Why, this Lickitung tongue tastes terrible. Are you sure you cooked it right?”

“Look, if you don’t like it, we’ll have Pidgeot giblets tomorrow.”
p. 471 – Star Wars Galactic Maps An Illustrated Atlas of the Star Wars Universe:

“Well, look, here’s the bright center to the universe…and here’s Tatooine all the way over here. Huh, guess Luke was right.”
p. 509 – Batman Classic TV Series King Tut Resin Bust:

Frankly, I think all Batman merchandise has been leading up to this. What home doesn’t need a statue of Victor Buono, to watch over your household and bring you good luck?
p. 520 – Alien Derelict Ship Statue:

The World’s Richest Alien fan is buying a few dozen of these for the most expensive game of horseshoes ever.
p. 536 – Friday the 13th Part 5 Jason Mask Prop Replica:

“Can’t…can’t you just go the sporting equipment store and…?”

“MOM. This is the OFFICIAL replica. As seen in Friday the 13th. Part FIVE. Please do NOT waste my time with nonsense.”
p. 583 – Dragonball Z Figure-Rise Mechanics Saitan Space Pod Model Kit:

I’m not sure I’m into this Mork and Mindy reboot.
p. 613 – Marvel Heroes The Infinity Gauntlet Cookie Jar:

MOM: “Okay, who’s been sneaking cookies out of the Marvel Heroes The Infinity Gauntlet Cookie Jar?”

BILLY: “Not me!”

DOLLY: “Not me!”

THANOS: “Fools taking up arms against omnipotence. They rush head-on into Armageddon. So I shall provide them with a most glorious doomsday! The heavens will run red with blood. But in the end, as always, Thanos will have his cookies.”
p. 616 – Star Wars Darth Vader Briefcase:

“The briefcase Darth Vader carries to meetings with his officers” reads the actual solicitation, so they’ve already beaten me to the obvious joke. But here’s hoping someone out there is working on a Special Special Edition of the original trilogy and can CGI some briefcases in there.
p. 618 – Star Wars Death Star Schematics Mighty Wallet:

So this is how the Rebels got the plans out without any apparent email or anything in the Star Wars universe. They just folded them up into novelty wallets and Imperial security didn’t even give ’em a second glance! “You crazy kids and your wacky, mixed-up wallets, get on out of here!” …Oh, SPOILERS for Star Wars: Rogue One, by the way.
p. 621 – Batman The Animated Series Almost Got ‘im Card Game:

Well, if we’re basing games on single episodes of the Batman cartoons, then let’s have one based on the greatest episode:

p. 624 – Magic the Gathering TCG Conspiracy Take the Crown Booster Packs:

“Atogs are putting mind-numbing chemicals in our water supply.”

“…Wait, what?”

“The Brothers’ War was a false flag operation.”

“Now hold on….”


“Leeeeet me just stop you right there.”
Marvel Previews p. 95 – Star Wars Classified #1 & #2:


“An all-new, top-secret ongoing Star Wars series begins this December…”

…please be Lobot please be Lobot please be Lobot….
Marvel Previews p. 106 – Star Wars Box Set Slipcase:

“Yup, it’s collecting all the major Star Wars comics. Episodes IV-VI, the latest Episode VII, Shattered Empire, the first Darth Vader hardcover….”

“And Episodes I-III, right? Right?”

“Episodes IV-VI, and Episode VII, and that Darth Vader book, and Shattered Empire….”

And I-III, yes?”

Shattered Empire for sure, Episodes IV-VI….”
Marvel Previews p.134 – Marvelman Classic Vol. 1 TPB:

Marvel…who, again? This character seems familiar, but I just can’t place him. Maybe they should do a regular comic with this guy or something.

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ September 5th, 2016 § Filed under End of Civilization § 10 Comments

Yup, that’s me, sitting here with the September 2016 edition of Diamond Previews. You’re probably wondering how I got into this situation. Well, follow along with me in your own copy of Previews and let’s find out together, shall we?

p. 106 – Superman #10:

I know the big joke ever since this cover was released was that everyone thought they looked like they were about to kiss, but it looks more to me like they’re smelling each other.

“Say, Superman, what is that wonderful scent you’re wearing?”

“You smell like eggs, Superboy.”
p. 149 – Batman the Animated Series Expressions Pack:

Kind of hope they do one of these for the regular DC Universe Batman…a half-dozen slightly different scowling faces, and one with a sardonic grin. Also, turns out the Question Expressions Pack isn’t quite so exciting.
p. 180 – Sachs & Violens TPB:

Say, remember when Peter David and Todd McFarlane had that spat in the comics press a long time ago, with David criticizing McFarlane about somethin’ or other, and McFarlane responded with a comics sales chart showing Spawn near the top, and David’s Sachs & Violens way below?

Just sayin’ there’s probably not so much of a difference now.
p. 189 – John Byrne’s Stowaway to the Stars: A Graphic Album to Color:

Hmm…this one character appears to be a Latina. Which color should I use for her hair…which one….
p. 225 – Spawn #269:

The solicitation description reads, in its entirety, “The SPAWN saga continues!” Creative team is “Todd McFarlane & Friends,” with Covers A and B both featuring art by “To Be Determined.” Oh no, how am I ever going to decide what orders to place on this comic without the necessary relevant information? [enters same number of copies I’ve ordered for Spawn for the last several years]
p. 238 – The Walking Dead Take It Like A Champ T-Shirt:

Good thing everyone everywhere is absolutely 100% familiar with The Walking Dead in all its forms and thus there’s no chance of anybody ever misconstruing this t-shirt.
p. 238 – The Walking Dead Lucille 34″ Replica Bat:

Celebrate and reminisce about the brutal bludgeoning-to-death of [REDACTED] in the comics and, I’m guessing, Abraham in the forthcoming season premiere, with this lovely souvenir keepsake! Carry it around with you while wearing your “Take It Like A Champ” t-shirt so everyone knows of your love for The Walking Dead!
p. 279 – Shark Trek T-Shirt:


Was going to make fun, but I’d be totally for a Captain Kirk vs. Space Sharks movie. Or just rebooting the franchise with the entire Enterprise crew as sharks. Either or.
p. 334 – Vampirella Bottle Opener:

Now if were making these, they would be in the shape of Vampirella’s head, and her wide-open mouth is where you’d insert the top of the bottle, hooking the fangs beneath the edge of the cap. And then I’d just laugh and laugh and laugh.
p. 362 – The Overstreet Guide to Collecting Video Games SC:

So I was totally going to make a joke about “I bet they’re going to start slabbing video games CGC-style now, too!” and then I looked it up to see if this actually was happening, and, uh, I’ll just be over here playing my unslabbed copy of Turmoil on my Atari 2600 if you need me.
p. 364 – The Overstreet Guide to Collecting Movie Posters SC:

“I wonder what my original Revenge of the Jedi poster is worth? Let me look it up.”

[flips through book, finds entry that reads “You don’t have the original, you probably got ripped off.”]
p. 436 – Faith #5:

“…And anyway, Hillary, I sure hope you like comic books.”

“Uh, Barack? What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, you’ll see. You’ll see.”
p. 471 – Doctor Who The Twelve Doctors of Christmas HC:

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my companion gave to me…
12 sonic sunglasses
11 bowties
10 overcoats
9 leather jackets
8 TV movies
7 Panama hats
6 too many trial episodes
4 Jelly Babies
3 polarity reversals
2 recorders
and 1 grand daugh-ter…!
p. 476 – Inside the Magic: The Making of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them HC:

J.K. Rowling, five years from now: “Oh, I forgot to mention, one of the beasts was secretly a robot.” “That one beast I said was blue-colored? Actually green.” “All the beasts had postal boxes in Fairfax, VA…did I not mention that? Oh, silly me.”
p. 491 – Star Wars “It’s A Trap” Sky Blue Heather T-Shirt:

There is likely a worrying percentage of customers for this shirt who only know it from online shenanigans, and have no clue it’s from a movie. At least, that’s what I’m assuming, since I’m a cranky old Original Star Wars Fan from 1977, Thank You.
p. 500 – Suicide Squad The Joker Sublimated Premium Crew Socks:

Sure, you may laugh, but I’ll have you know Jared Leto spent weeks wrapping himself around people’s feet and occasionally getting lost in the wash to prepare for this role.
p. 522 – Tokidoki X Hello Kitty Kittypatra Vinyl Figure:

Comes with just the most adorable asp!
p. 601 – Batman and Wonder Woman Ceramic Sculpted Mugs:


Part of the “DC Comics Tribute to Brain Surgery” line.
p. 602 – The Joker Steering Wheel Cover:

Sure, you may laugh, but I’ll have you know Jared Leto spent weeks clinging to a steering wh…huh? I already did this gag? …Sigh, fine.
p. 603 – Superman 15-Ounce Double Wall Travel Tumbler:

I was wondering when they’d get around to merchandising this image:

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