Mike Sterling's Progressive RuinAlone, unmourned, and unloved since 1969

Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ June 5th, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 12 Comments

Civilization ain’t over just quite yet, gang, but will this month’s Previews offerings (in the June 2017 edition) be enough to push it over the edge? Come along with me and let’s find out…together:

p. 62 – Star Trek The Next Generation Adult Coloring Book – Continuing Missions:

“What color is the ongoing obsession with weird alien sexuality?”

“Um…periwinkle?”
 
 
p. 72 – Dark Nights: Metal #1:

CUT TO: Pied Piper trying to force his way into this event. “The flute is a heavy metal instrument!” he argues loudly.
 
 
p. 106 – DC Superhero Girls Past Times at Super Hero High:

BRAD, NO
 
 
p. 115 – Teen Titans Go #23:

So long as Baby Superman there doesn’t end up in a microwave, we should be okay.
 
 
p. 117 – Superman and the Miserable, Rotten, No Fun, Really Bad Day HC:

Looking forward to future releases Green Lantern and Ham, Crisis of Infinite Berenstains, and To Think I Saw It on Danny the Street.
 
 
p. 121 – The Newsboy Legion and the Boy Commandos Special #1:

Chaykin’s doing this, so I expect the Newsboys will become Newsmen at some point, and we’ll finally find out the real reason they’re called “commandos.”
 
 
p. 132 – Superman Reborn HC:

Finally, the all-new, complete, canon history of Superman ’til the next one comes along in a couple of years!
 
 
p. 272 – Casper The Friendly Ghost #2:

Look, I’m all for new Casper comics, but I don’t know if I’m ready for modern stories with, like, Casper on Facebook or the Ghostly Trio texting each other or anything. I’m still trying to recover from that final Carl Barks story where one of Donald’s nephews refers to a fax machine.
 
 
p. 277 – Dark Cider T-shirt:

I can’t imagine the producers of these shirts aren’t hearing from Disney on a regular basis.
 
 
p. 326 – Grumpy Cat/Garfield #1:

I volunteer to write the Marvin/Dancing Baby comic.
 
 
p. 341 – The Green Hornet ’66 Meets the Spirit #2:

Issue number two of the characters arguing who had the best film adaptation in the 2000s!
 
 
p. 376 – That Time I Got Reincarnated As a Slime Volume 1 GN:

You do a story about a dude reincarnated as a typical monster in a Dungeons & Dragons-type game, and you don’t go with the best one?
 
 
p. 525 – Pumps Miniature High Heels Featuring DC Heroes & Villains (Blind Box Assortment):

Just dropping “THIS IS A FETISH FOR SOMEONE” as the punchline is awfully easy, but if ever a situation called for it…
 
 
p. 525 – The Joker Calling Card Statue:

With just a slight repaint job, this could be the Addams Family/Batman ’66 crossover that never was.
 
 
p. 528 – Mr. Potato Head Alien Xenomorph & p. 549 – Mr. Potato Head Predator:

NO MATTER WHO WINS, WE…well, also win, I guess. C’mon, it’s Mr. Potato Head, he’s awesome.
 
 
p. 554 – Spider-Man Homecoming Vulture Attack Set:

If I go see this Spider-Man: Homecoming movie and there isn’t a building that looks exactly like that anywhere in there, I’m walking out of the theater and demanding my money back.
 
 
p. 555 – Star Wars Collectors Gallery IG-88 Statue:

Did IG-88 ever move this much in the one scene he was in? I feel like he’d topple over if he moved his legs like that.
 
 
p. 577 – Toy Box Sofubi 014 Nessie the Loch Ness Monster Soft Vinyl Figure:

Even more real than the real thing!
 
 
p. 613 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Short Range Walkie Talkies:

Relive that scene in the Guardians of the Galaxy film where Drax picks up Rocket and shouts directly into his face in an attempt to radio Star-Lord. Genuine pissed-off space trash panda action!
 
 
p. 617 – The Lord of the Rings Middle Earth 5 Coin Set:

Just like the slammers used in that fateful pog tournament between Gollum and Bilbo deep within the caves beneath the Misty Mountains.
 
 
p. 631 – Star Wars 40th Anniversary Edition Monopoly Game:

Do not pass Tosche Station, do not collect your power converters.
 
 
Marvel Previews p. 91 – Star Wars Mace Windu #1:

Getting ever, ever closer to the inevitable Jar Jar Binks mini-series. It’ll happen someday. And when it does, I’ll buy it, and so will you. Search your feelings…you know it to be true.
 
 
p. 114 – Color Your Own Star Wars Darth Vader :

Once again:

“…Bring out the Sith Lord’s rarely seen lighter side with pastels!”

…the actual solicitation text beats me to the joke. Well played, anonymous solicitation text writer…well played indeed.
 
 
Marvel Previews p. 125 – Marvel’s Thor Ragnarok Prelude TPB:

So going by the logic presented here (and in previous Marvel movie comics of late), in that the “Ragnarok Prelude” is in fact a comic book adaptation of the previous Thor film The Dark World, then the currently running Rogue One adaptation should be called A New Hope Prelude.

…Hey, maybe the comic book adaptation of the Howard the Duck movie could be repackaged as the Guardians of the Galaxy Prelude! You can have that one for free, Marvel!