Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ January 2nd, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 10 Comments

It’s 2017, and here comes the End of Civilization! …No, come back! I mean my regular journey through the new issue of Diamond Previews (the January 2017 edition, in this case)! Anyway, come along with me and we’ll see what the coming year has in store for us…and before you get mad about the crayon joke, I remind you it could be referring to the pantsuits.

p. 78 – He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: A Character Guide and World Compendium:

At last, a comprehensive listing of high tides, sunrises and sunsets in Eternia, as well as a copy of its constitution and all sporting event results. Skeletor may have tried to keep all this important information to himself, but no more, I say!
p. 123 – Dark Knight III The Master Race #8:

FINALLY, after all the delays the exciting conclusion is h–

p. 125 – Booster Gold/The Flintstones Annual #1:

Of course this paves the way for the Flintstones to go up against the menace of Vandal Savage, or for them to meet Bomba or Anthro…don’t tell me you don’t want to see that.
p. 162 – DC Designer Series The Joker by Brian Bolland Statue:

“It was at around this point of the development of civilization that humanity first started associating recording devices called ‘cameras’ with evil clowns, for reasons that now elude us,” declared the future clown-historians of the year 12,000.
p. 203 – Top 100 Comic Book Movies:

I’m going to have to warn you, there’s a huge drop-off in quality between the number one movie and number two.
p. 291 – Millennium Asteroids T-Shirt:

Okay, for a second there you almost had me, since in Previews it’s hard to see the detail of the Millennium Falcon in there. I’d probably wear actual (and licensed!) t-shirts of old Atari games. They’d probably sell a million of these. And surely you’d get plenty of irony-sales to computer programmers for this design. And who wouldn’t want to wear this? Just Boston fans alone….
p. 291 – Uncivil War Inaugural Edition Coloring Book:

MEANWHILE, AT CRAYOLA INDUSTRIES: “I don’t get it? Our orange crayon sales are through the roof!”
p. 310 – Bart Simpson Suckerpunch GN:

I don’t think anyone expected a Simpsons adaptation of this Zack Snyder film. You’ll never look at Agnes Skinner the same away again.
p. 319 – The March of the Crabs Vol. 2 HC:

I didn’t look very closely at this at first and I immediately thought “oh no, poor John Lewis.”
p. 348 – Nancy Drew & The Hardy Boys The Big Lie #1:

Finally, a follow-up to this comic where our favorite junior detectives finally dig down to THE TRUTH.
p. 361 – The Badger Color Therapy for Adults Coloring Book:

In case you wanted to make up your own conclusion for the previous Badger mini-series, since the last issue was unfortunately cancelled and, far as I can tell, not resolicited.
p. 488 – Doctor Who T Is for TARDIS HC:

“D is for Dalek, the Doctor’s arch-foe
Who make us say ‘not THEM again, oh no'”

“R is for River, the Doctor’s Wife
Of whom we’ve seen enough in this life”
p. 489 – Marvel Spider-Man 1000 Dot-to-Dot Book:

“Wait…it’s his webbing again!? Gosh darn it!”
p. 493 – Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy Mad Libs:

“‘I am [name of giant plant member of the Guardians]!’ shouted [name of giant plant member of the Guardians].”
p. 554 – Squeezeez Donald Trump 3-Inch Rubber Toy:

Features authentic dialogue! Oh, wait, that’s not supposed to be a word balloon.
p. 595 – Table Museum The Scream:

Look, if they’re going to be doing figurines of classic paintings, I’m gonna hold out for the full “The Garden of Earthly Delights” playset.
p. 604 – Star Trek Titans 2016 New York Comic-Con Figures:

“Captain, the gravity on this planet is much too strong. We must depart immediately.”

“Ladies, please…not all of me is squished down to 4 1/2 inches.”
p. 614 – Jurassic World Inflatable T-Rex Costume:

Order now to receive just in time for the prom!


Finally, the official Sterling Silver Comics store uniform.


This Is A Fetish for Somebody.
Marvel Previews p. 109 – Color Your Own Guardians of the Galaxy:

Good, because I’m coloring Drax a solid green, with purple clothes, just as God and Jim Starlin intended.
Marvel Previews p. 111 – Classified Prelude TPB:

Written by CLASSIFIED, penciled by CLASSIFIED, cover by CLASSIFIED, and by complete coincidence, my orders on this will be CLASSIFIED, too, until I actually know something about this thing. (And by “CLASSIFIED,” I mean “diddly-squat.”)

10 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Jer says:

    I think it would be kind of hilarious if Marvel’s next big event really was named “[CLASSIFIED]”. I don’t know why I find that funny. (They really need to reveal at least the creative teams if they want anyone to buy this – unless the idea is to create rare collectibles by driving down the demand for books so only a handful get printed. Which would be an odd thing for a publisher to do.)

    Also I believe that you may have accidentally reversed the links for the “number one movie” and “number two movie” up there Mike.

  • Travis says:

    I want a figurine of Goya’s “Saturn Devouring His Son.”

  • Evan Waters says:

    Everyone pre-orders the [CLASSIFIED] TPB, turns out it’s that one Rawhide Kid miniseries…

  • Congrats on skipping the obvious joke on that Nancy Drew cover: “Just look at the headlights on her!! .. outofhereyes,Imean…”

  • Simon says:

    My heart bleeds for John Lewis and Spock.

    – “p. 203 – Top 100 Comic Book Movies”

    Batman is bitter he got eclipsed by his villain.

    – “p. 361 – The Badger Color Therapy for Adults Coloring Book”


    – “p. 488 – Doctor Who T Is for TARDIS”

    Fact: The Tardis evolved from Snoopy’s doghouse.

    – “p. 489 – Marvel Spider-Man 1000 Dot-to-Dot Book”

    Classy Marvel, crediting only the tracer on the cover.

    – “p. 493 – Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy Mad Libs”

    See, George? Even that raccoon puts your Ewoks to shame!

    – “p. 554 – Squeezeez Donald Trump 3-Inch Rubber Toy”

    Ladies, make Trump your main squeeze!


    Make America Squeeze Again!

    – “p. 595 – Table Museum The Scream”

    Norwegians sure love their ice cream.

    – “p. 614 – Jurassic World Inflatable T-Rex Costume”

    Laugh, but I’ll be cozy at the Yukon Comic Con.

    – “Marvel Previews p. 111 – Classified Prelude TPB”

    Will Marvel emerge classier?

  • Simon says:

    (Missed one bit.)

    – “p. 203 – Top 100 Comic Book Movies”

    Batman is bitter he got eclipsed by his villain.

    – “p. 291 – Uncivil War Inaugural Edition Coloring Book”

    Hillary is bitter she got eclipsed by her villain.

  • Bully says:

    Whoa, comics lept on the now-declining adult coloring book trend about as swiftly as Riverdale’s teens get into a fad.

    And I would so buy t-shirts with the Activision game box graphics, with the shirts the same color as the box.

  • Eric L says:

    I can’t wait until the Flintstones/Booster Gold Annual. We’ve already got my comics event of 2017.

  • Pal Cully says:

    …as Jim Starlin intended. Amen

  • James says:

    Two people wearing T-Rex costumes “fought” each other in the line at Baltimore Comic Con last year. I think we can agree it was the highlight of 2016.