Progressive Ruin celebrates its independence with…the End of Civilization.
Yes, we here at Progressive Ruin Industries are celebrating American Independence Day in the way of our forefathers…by paging through the newest edition of Diamond Previews (the July 2017 edition) and seeing what will soon be invading our shores. Pick up your own copy and follow along:
p. 116 – Wonder Woman/Conan #1:
“…And to hear the lamentations of their women!”
“EXCUSE ME, WHAT WAS THAT?”
“Er, nothing! Nothing, ma’am!”
p. 142 – Justice League of America The Detroit Era Omnibus HC:
ME, VISITING 1985 FROM THE FUTURE: “In my era, there is going to be an oversized deluxe hardcover collecting together all the Detroit League stories!”
PRIMITIVE HUMAN OF 1985: “Wha–? Nobody likes these comics! Who’s gonna spring for a big ol’ hardcover?”
ME: “Oh, and also Gypsy and Vibe are characters on a popular DC superhero television show in my time.”
PHo85: “GET OUTTA TOWN”
p. 154 – Star Wars Adventures #1:
What, a children’s version of Star Wars? What’s next, children’s versions of Spider-Man or Guardians of the Galaxy comics?
p. 212 – Divided States of Hysteria #4:
Huh, can’t seem to get that pic to load for some reason.
p. 241 – The Walking Dead Faction Logo 4″ Patches:
Ah, special patches for the different groups in The Walking Dead, like “Hilltop” for the people living in the Hilltop community, or “Kingdom” for the folks living under Ezekiel, or “Dammit I Had A Good Thing Going” for actors whose characters were killed off on the show.
p. 285 – The Hoth Face T-shirt:
Okay, I gotta admit…I know this is referencing something, but honestly have no idea what. I can’t believe I have to admit defeat to one of these “two things” shirts. I’m sure once someone tells me I’m going to go “oooooh, THAT.” …Honestly, pals, this is pretty embarrassing.
p. 340 – James Bond Casino Royale HC:
Finally, Peter Sellers, David Niven, and Woody Allen in the comic book movie adaptation of the year!
p. 343 – Fruit Ninja #1:
Hey, they should do a comic based on that popular “Pokemon Go!” mobile game.
p. 345 – Turok #2:
“Hey, look, a comic based on that ancient video game!” the person perusing the rack declares, as Mike crumbles into dust behind him.
p. 351 – Kevin Smith’s Yoga Hosers One-Shot:
Don’t really have any kind of joke here. Just letting you know it’s a thing. (And was there a comic for Tusk? I’d probably read that.)
p. 492 – Eat Like Walt: The Wonderful World of Disney Food HC:
I’m going to assume “eating like Walt” involves inhaling an entire cigarette between each bite, like most mid-century adults.
p. 493 – How Comics Work SC:
If you’re talking about the industry as a whole, I think the answer to “How Comics Work” is “despite itself.”
p. 495 – The Dark Crystal The Ultimate Visual History HC:
Wouldn’t the ultimate visual history be, like, the movie?
p. 500 – Star Wars Mad Libs Deluxe Edition:
Oh, great, George Lucas went back to the Mad Libs Original Edition and added in new word types to fill in, like “adjouns” and “verjectives.”
p. 500 – Star Wars BB-8 on The Run HC:
The Pineapple Express sequel you never expected!
p. 513 – Team up Cablepool Black T-shirt:
Isn’t Cable’s glowy eye his left one? But then again, that wasn’t always consistent, I guess.
p. 515 – Swamp Thing House of Secrets #92 T-shirt:
Store uniform, house uniform, grocery shopping uniform, formal dress, meetin’ the Pope clothes…better order a few dozen of these.
p. 544 – Alien Convenant Xenomorph 7-Inch Action Figure and Neomorph 7-Inch Action Figure:
Well, this will make for an interesting variation on the yin-yang symb…
…welllll, maybe not.
p. 552 – Pop! War for the Planet of the Apes Maurice Vinyl Figure:
FUNKO HAS ACHIEVED WEAPON-GRADE CUTENESS. STAY IN YOUR HOMES. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
p. 568 – Reverse Flash The Flash TV ArtFX+ Statue:
“Hi, do you have anything that’s the exact opposite of the Maurice Planet of the Apes Funko Pop?”
“Why, as a matter of fact….”
p. 568 – DC Comics Super Sons Jonathan Kent & Krypto Two Pack ArtFX+ Statue:
Okay, how much just for the Krypto statue? You know, the character that’ll still be around three or four reboots from now.
p. 598 – DC Heroes Batman Kids Costume:
Please note that regardless of age or costume design, all Bat-children look like they’re ready and able to fight crime. Kid-crime.
And yes, yes, the pics arranged like that it looks like that’s Giant Bat-Baby, 10 feet tall, towering over his/her compatriots with a diaper full of justice.
p. 615 – Marvel Hydra Logo 24-Inch Necklace:
Sure, you’re all sick of this Hydra stuff, but picture Larry on Three’s Company tugging this just the slightest bit out from under his too-unbuttoned shirt to show to Mr. Furley, as he leans in and whispers “Hail Hyrda.” Mr. Furley gives a hugely exaggerated wink in response. Cue laugh track.
p. 629 – Golden Girls Clue Game:
“Okay, let’s get this game start–”
“Betty White did it.”
“Wait, what? We haven’t even started playing y–”
“It has to be her, she’s the only one still al–”
“HA HA okay who’s up for some Battleship?”
Marvel Previews p. 4 – Marvel Legacy #1:
Here’s hoping the legacy in question is something other than an endless stream of relaunched #1s stretching as far back and as far ahead as the eye can see. Or R&D for movies.
The Hoth Face references outdoorsy company The North Face (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_North_Face)
Of course, that’s not as good a parody as The South Butt (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_South_Butt).
I thought it was a reference to the MARS face.
It even looks similar.
But the type placement kind itself to
Patrick’s NORTH FACE suggestion.
They should have tried to match the font a bit better.
Heck, I am in 2017, and I still don’t believe it.
And don’t forget Vixen and Steel.
Re-imagining That 70s Hydra as a Swingers Cult is genius!
But “Cut off one and two more shall take its place” is really… awkward…
– “p. 116 – Wonder Woman/Conan #1”
Conan is the one sans tiara, right?
– “p. 154 – Star Wars Adventures #1”
Why does C-3PO have two yellow arms?
– “p. 492 – Eat Like Walt”
Veg roots and liquid nitrogen?
– “p. 568 – Reverse Flash The Flash TV ArtFX+ Statue”
“I killed Oil Spill!”
So who are the other two characters in the GOLDEN GIRLS CLUE? Dorothy’s ex-husband, Stan? Their gay cook from the pilot? A couple characters from EMPTY NEST? The world needs to know!
SS, that font choice on Hoth Face is probably deliberate — we know from the South Butt story TNF can be litigious; better give them as little grounds as possible.
Can’t believe there’s that JLDetroit book, not just in a deluxe hardcover but before any number of superior Justice League comics have been reprinted.
Someday I’d like to figure out how Antarctic gets away with those “parody” t-shirts, not only why Diamond carries them but why they list them in the comics section of Previews instead of buried in the Merch section with most of the t-shirts (a few other comic book publishers list t-shirts in the comics section, but those are at least related to the comics they publish, not borderline bootlegs).
“Despite itself.”
*giggle*
Presumably that Casino Royale adaptation has six different creative teams and the main character only appears in the first and last five pages.
@David Oakes, plus there’s J’onn over on Supergirl. Go back a few years to Smallville for Zatanna and Aquaman, and suddenly Ralph and Sue are the only characters needed to complete the lineup.
I really hope we get Ralph and Sue next year. If nothing else, because he’s historically Barry’s best friend whose rights aren’t all tied up elsewhere.
And here I was wondering why Bat-Baby was the only one who WASN’T wearing a diaper.
I know it isn’t, but I’m going to pretend that Turok series started on #2, just to avoid having to make a Turok #1 ever again.
And I’m going back in time to bet my best friend that one day the JLA Detroit books will be collected and some of the characters loved. I’ll make a killing.