It’s time again for another entry in The End of Civilization, a once-classic, stand-alone, self-contained story since cheapened and undermined by an endless series of sequels and spinoffs. But the market demands more, so I must provide! Bust open your February 2012 edition of Diamond Previews, throw the Watchmen movie on the DVD player for a little background noise, and follow along:
p. 37 – Star Wars Omnibus Droids and Ewoks TP:
NOTICE: may not contain enough, or any at all, of this:
ALSO: Ewok stories may not contain sufficient amounts of Wilford Brimley. LET THE BUYER BEWARE.
p. 65 – Grendel Omnibus Vol. 1 Hunter Rose TP:
I’d like to think the last week or so of posts on my site had something to do with this…publishing lead times be damned.
p. 103 – Swamp Thing #7:
“Behold the terrifying true potential of the Swamp Thing — a form so fearsome we couldn’t put it on the cover!”
OH PLEASE OH PLEASE:
p. 196 – The Art of Being Spawn:
(CHEAP JOKE IN 3…2…)
Well, at least there’s some art involved somewhere with Spawn.
(CHEAP JOKE DEPLOYED. APOLOGIES TENDERED.)
p. 237 – Occupy Sesame Street T-Shirt:
Well, sure, why not.
p. 344 – Kinky Nylons SC:
Oh, hey, my new “Superheroines Pose Reference” art manual is in!
p. 344 – 100 Baddest Mother F****ers in Comics SC:
Yeah, that’s right.
p. 345 – The Avengers Kit:
“Congratulations, Hawkeye! You are now a full-fledged member of the Avengers!”
“Gee, what an honor!”
“Here is your membership pin…”
“Great!”
“Your Avengers manual…”
“Um, that’s kind of small.”
“…And your miniature Captain America figurine!”
“Wait, what? What do I need this f–”
“DON’T EVER LET US CATCH YOU WITHOUT LITTLE CAP.”
“Geez, okay!”
p. 352 – The Big Damn Firefly & Serenity Trivia Book SC:
Given that the likely market for this book practically wallows in Whedonverse minutia, I’m sure the writer of this book had a devil of a time coming up with real stumpers.
p. 362 – The Punisher “Double Fisted” Red All-Over-Print Previews Exclusive T-Shirt:
I have to admit, the name of this shirt evoked a different image than the one ultimately presented.
p. 365 – “Chillax” T-Shirt:
Seriously, is there a group of superheroes less “chillax” than the X-Men? …Then again, I’m only somewhat certain about the exact meaning of “chillax,” since I am old and am not hep to the slang of you young folks these days.
p. 367 – Joker Skinned T-Shirt:
“Hello! Do you have any t-shirts emblazoned with the most appalling Batman image in recent history?”
“Well, I do have shirt with ‘Are You Retarded? I’m the Godd…’”
“…No, no, I mean something really appalling.”
“Hmmm…okay, let me get the tongs and unseal the vault. Hold on a moment.”
p. 377 – Marvel Iron Man Neon Sign:
At last, my Red Skull with Manga Fox Mask display is finally available!
p. 382 – Avengers Earth’s Mightiest Heroes Action Figures:
I will pay One American Dollar if Captain America uses anything like that Shield Launcher in the movie. “HOLD ON, LET ME GET MY SHIELD GUN!” “Right on, Cap!”
p. 389 – Living Dead Dolls: Kick-Ass Hit Girl Doll:
I’m just going to say “Oh dear” and leave it at that.
p. 389 – Tonner Alice in Wonderland: Tarrant the Mad Hatter 8-Inch Doll:
No. Please stop.
p. 400 – Star Wars Dart Board:
Comes with bonus targets: Jar Jar, Anakin (Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen), that two-headed race announcer from Phantom Menace, Shooting-First Greedo, and maybe Lucas himself, but c’mon, surely you’ve forgiven him by now.
p. 403 – Elvis Presley ’68 Comeback Special ArtFX Figure:
Remember when girls would go so crazy when Elvis was onstage they’d cut off their own hands and throw them at him? Man, those were some wild days.
p. 411 – Ikki Tousen Shimei “Jake Version” PVC Figure:
“…Rival schools wage war against each other, influenced by powerful jewels that contain the spirits of legendary warriors.”
…Also, there are naked girls. Because when aren’t there.
p. 416 – Loki Mischief Cologne for Men:
Now, when I make the joke “oh, so that’s what happened to all the snake venom Sigyn collected in the bowl,” you know I’m making reference to the original Norse legends about Loki’s fate (bound beneath ground, venom dripping into his face, wife catches venom in bowl but must occasionally empty it out, allowing venom to hit Loki) and not actually casting any real aspersions upon what must certainly be a fine product, and oh God please don’t sue me I don’t have anything worth taking
p. 416 – Nick Fury Infinity Formula Cologne for Men:
Ah, this will go well with my Nick Fury Vision-Health Eye Drops.
So I’m back from my holiday hiatus, my batteries…well, somewhat recharged but I’ll take what I can get, and ready for a whole new year of civilization ending, so let’s get started, shall we? Bust open your copies of Diamond Previews (January 2012 edition) and follow along if you are so inclined:
Now if Hustler Magazine had a comics line, we could finally get that comic book adaptation of “A Young Crimefighter’s Fantasy” the industry has demanded. (Link probably not safe for work, as you might guess.)
p. 26 – Marvel Heroclix Thor Figure:
Why, what’s that he’s holding there? Some kind of protest sign? Another one of those “Occupy Asgard” hippies? I knew that longhair was trouble.
p. 28 – FCBD 2012 Commemorative Shirt: Jim Lee:
Well, okay, the design’s actually going to be this:
But this pic with the solicitation is the first thing that grabbed my eye:
…and now I want my Free Comic Book Day shirt to be that very image, with Lee in that pose.
p. 49 – Mike Richardson Comes to Your Store:
So Dark Horse Comics is having this thing where if you post images of yourself at your favorite comic shop in this mask of DH publisher Mike Richardson:
…you might get a chance at having said publisher show up at your shop for a special Dark Horse day.
Well, let me tell you, I wore this at the shop pretty much every day for a month:
…and I didn’t get nuthin’. Well, I did get my will enslaved by an evil alien intelligence, which is almost as good as a Dark Horse party, I guess.
p. 73 – Marvel Classic Characters Spider-Man New York Comic Con Exclusive:
Do they still do the armpit webbings and the belt in the newer Spider-Man comics? I haven’t kept up with Spider-Man, I have no idea. But they should totally bring those back in the movies, at least. That big ol’ clunky belt with the Spidey face-projector on the front is awesome.
p. 147 – Saga of the Swamp Thing Book One TP:
So will they finally get the missing caption problem straightened out? Tune in next time, same Swamp time, same Swamp channel.
p. 190 – Bloodstrike #26:
So if they’re bringing back old Image properties and picking up the numbering where they left off, let us hope for Darker Image #2. Or Fell #10. I wouldn’t mind seeing either of those. …Yes, I was the guy who liked Darker Image, shut up.
p. 226 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Mystery Action Figure:
What the c**k is this s**t. …That better be Jack of Hearts, Moondragon, or motherf**king Rick Jones if you’re going to be pulling that.
p. 353 – Peanuts Snoopy Flying Ace Kit:
Nice, but I’m holding out for this kit:
p. 357 – Family Guy Peter Vs. Giant Chicken Thumb Wrestling Kit:
Halfway through your thumb battle, you flash back to when [notable '70s celebrities] were thumb wrestling.
…Look, all I pretty much know about Family Guy is the flashback thing. That’s the only go-to gag about the show I have. Well, that and the a-ha parody video, which was pretty good, I thought. But “a-ha thumb wrestling” isn’t as amus…wait, hold on. That is kind of funny, maybe. Let me get back to you.
p. 358 – Aslan The Pin-Up Book:
This totally undermines the whole “Lion-Jesus” thing from the Narnia series.
p. 361 – Star Wars The Secret Life of Droids:
LUKE: “Hmmm, this R2 unit seems to have some kind of hidden recording…hey, is that Bob Crane?”
C3PO: “Oh no!”
p. 362 – Alien Chopsticks:
“H.R. Giger” and “eating utensils” are not two things I normally would have associated with each other.
p. 373 – Classic Swamp Thing T-Shirt:
Oh, you bastards. The iconic Wrightson cover for Swamp Thing #9, original series, in the t-shirt format I’ve always desired? …You don’t play fair. No sir.
p. 379 – Star Wars Handbags:
“Um, sir…?”
“YES, COMMANDER?”
“The…the men were wondering about this new…uniform accessory that you’ve instructed us all to carry.”
“…IS THERE A PROBLEM?”
“Well, um, the men…don’t really need handbags, sir. They have belts, and, uh, pockets, and….”
“THESE HANDBAGS HAVE ME ON THEM. THEREFORE THEY ARE NECESSARY. YOU CAN KEEP SMALL TOOLS IN THEM. AND EQUIPMENT. AND LIPSTICKS.”
“Y-yes, sir. And there’s one more thing, if I may…?”
“IT HAD BETTER NOT BE COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE YOGA PANTS. I FIND THEM COMFORTABLE AND FREEING, AND SO SHOULD ALL OF YOU.”
“Um…thank you, Lord Vader.”
p. 387 – Star Trek The Next Generation Retro Cloth Borg:
GOTHS…IN…SPAAAAAAACE
p. 395 – O-No Sashimi “Red Version” Vinyl Figure:
Test-marketing showed that the Finding Nemo version of this figure was…”troubling.”
p. 403 – Star Wars Kenner Hammerhead 12-inch Action Figure:
Pretty much running this entry just so I have an excuse to repost this from the Twitter feed:
Also, because this was one of my favorite figures from the original Star Wars action figure line. Even though I’m pretty sure this character wasn’t wearing a blue one-piece swimsuit in the movie.
p. 425 – Ikki Tousen Dragon Destiny: Shimei Ryomou “Ura Jake” PVC Figure:
“Shimei Ryomou is bound, in her undressed state, to a bed in this stunning PVC statue that brings to life the sultry curves of this powerful fighter.”
Sometimes I just don’t need to say anything.
p. 426 – Terminator 2 T-800 HD Masterpiece Action Figure:
I was going to make a joke about a Terminator “Masterpiece” figure, but…1/4th scale? $400? All those extra hands? …Okay, you’ve almost earned the description of “masterpiece,” but first we need to strip the figure down to its robot skivvies and bind it to a bed…
p. 430 – Star Wars Cufflinks:
As the Force is my witness, I can think of occasions for all these cufflinks, save for the Darth Maul ones.
p. 432 – Dried Zombie Skin Seaweed Pack:
At last, they found a way to make seaweed sound appetizing.
(Yes, yes, I know, “seaweed tastes great, you ignorant swine.” …MY PALATE IS NOT READY.)
p. 442 – Star Trek Earloomz GL-500 Bluetooth Headsets:
So they couldn’t even TRY to make these look like those crazy earpieces Uhura used to wear in the original series?
p. 444 – Disney Traditions Mickey Mouse Bird Feeder Statue:
Mickey’s totally going to eat that bird. I mean, c’mon, just look at that big rodent.
Marvel Previews p. 3 – Avengers Vs. X-Men:
I don’t know…looking at the new comics rack, I’d have to say “both.”
It’s like Christmas Day without bags full of ripped-up wrapping paper or any actual stuff in your possession…it’s the End of Civilization, where I poke through our distributor’s catalog and point out the best and the brightest of the items offered therein. Or at least the items I can make a smart-ass comment about. Bust out your copies of the December 2011 edition of Diamond Previews and follow along, why don’t you already:
p. 142 – Starcraft Premium Series 2 Collectible Figures:
“Moooom! This jacket’s way too big for me!”
“Oh, don’t worry, son…you’ll grow into it.”
p. 207 – Pigs #6:
…The same Previews that let this through last month:
p. 215 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:
Thank goodness they used a whole page to show us the figures weren’t ready to be shown. Well, it’s just one page out of the solicitations…no big deal.
p. 228 – Richie Rich Valentine’s Day Special 2012 One-Shot:
The inherent tragedy of Richie Rich: never knowing if he is truly loved for who he is, or simply loved for his money. EVERY VALENTINE’S DAY: wallowing in rampant consumerism and shallow meaningless relationships, showering others in gifts while ignoring the nagging doubts, and the gaping emptiness, in his heart.
p. 337 – Batman Bat Signal Kit:
If you light up this two-inch high Bat Signal replica, one of the Borrowers turns up in his homemade Batman outfit, who then fights the Indian in the Cupboard, who is inexplicably dressed as the Penguin. …Hey, I don’t make it up, I just report it.
p. 337 – DC Superhero Figurine Collection Magazine Special – Swamp Thing:
Oh, and it has to be one of the larger statuettes, making this one of the $38 specials, and not the regular $14 mag. You bastards.
p. 348 – Angry Birds Bad Piggies’ Egg Recipes HC:
Recipes presumably created by Piggies experimenting upon the eggs they eggnapped from the Angry Birds, which is the reason the Birds are so Angry in the first place. …Surely this is a Geneva Convention violation of some sort.
p. 358 – Superhero X-Ray T-shirts:
They should do a Plastic Man version of one of these shirts, just so we could see what the hell is going on in there. Or maybe Bouncing Boy.
p. 363 – Green Lantern “Classic Word” Snap Back Cap:
If only this were actually how the logo was mounted on the hat. And it could spin around like a propeller. With a whistling noise, like this: “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
p. 366 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:
Oh, say…a second full page devoted to not showing you the figures which apparently weren’t ready at press time. But hey, what’s two catalog pages between friends, right?
p. 373 – Hope Diamond Barbie Doll:
Sadly, the Hope Diamond Curse struck again, as Hope Diamond Barbie was attacked and killed by a pack of wild dogs while visiting Moscow.
p. 373 – Hot Wheels Video Racer Micro Camera Car:
“Hot Wheels Video Racer cars are the first 1:64 track-compatible cars with a fully functional camera encased in the body! Using the clips and straps provided, it can be also attached to bikes, helmets, skateboards – nearly anything that moves! [...] Video can be easily edited…and shared to show off your thrilling race footage with friends and family!”
“And now…presenting our remake of Fantastic Voyage, starring our Great Dane, Barkimus!”
p. 388 – Star Wars Kenner Walrus Man 12-Inch Action Figure:
This is unholy.
p. 394 – Star Wars General Veers Mini-Bust:
This is someone’s favorite Star Wars character. …That person’s time has come.
p. 406 – Cars 2 Mater & Speed McQueen Be@rbrick 2-Pack:
You wouldn’t think seeing the Cars characters in human form would be as upsetting as it is, but it is. Oh Lordy.
p. 406 – Star Trek Khan Noonien Singh Maxi Bust:
You’re darned tootin’ this is a Maxi Bust. Ricardo Montalban’s chestiest performance, immortalized in this most manly of statues.
Marvel Previews p. 75 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:
What is the mystery of…”Hawkeye” and “the Hulk?” What secrets are they hiding? Are they friends…or foes? Surely this third full page ad will whet your appetite for these two exciting new characters!
Special thanks to Evil Bully for tracking down that Boys scan.
Don’t be afraid, boys and ghouls…it’s only me, your old pal the Ruin Keeper, with a scary look into the forbidden tome of Diamond Previews, the…um, the November 2011 edition. …Ah, heck, Halloween’s over, isn’t it? Rats. I suppose it’s still a frightening time for turkeys, but that’s not quite the same, really. Anyway, follow along in your own copy of Previews…if you DARE. Ah HA HA HA HA! (cough)
p. 61 – Marvel Classic Character Fantastic Four #3 – Human Torch:
“Please enjoy my fully-enclosing corduroy body suit with back-flares…ladies.”
p. 120 – DC Comics Presents the New 52 #1:
Oh, no, DC…please, put out another reprint of Swamp Thing #1. I’m not so weak that I’ll keep picking ‘em up as you dash ‘em out, not at all.
p. 123 – Power Girl: Old Friends TP:
Okay, between my initial misinterpretation with the last one, and the title of this one, I’m having real difficulty not reading the titles of these Power Girl trades as euphemisms for her breasts. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person, I’m sorry.
p. 147 – Cobra Annual 2012: The Origin of Cobra Commander:
The image had to be classified, else Cobra Commander’s secret obsession with his Kermit the Frog and chicken handpuppets would stand revealed.
p. 160 – Star Trek #5 contest:
In short, the winner of the contest (who would write in explaining which retailer s/he’d take a phaser shot for) would get to be “red shirt” on this cover here, while the retailer would be the commanding officer in the background getting saved by the customer’s sacrifice.
Pretty sure my customers wouldn’t take a phaser shot for me. They know I sold pogs, after all…they’d probably gang up and throw me to the Romulans.
p. 219 – Keep on Troopin’ T-Shirt:
Now I’m picturing Mr. Natural fighting Darth Vader in a lightsaber duel. Somewhere, Robert Crumb sheds a single tear.
Actually, I think I’d rather have that “Classic Mutants” logo whipped up for this solicitation on a shirt.
p. 348-9 – Marvel Minimates Series 43 Mini-Figure 2-Packs:
I can’t help but feel this slightly undermines the gravitas of the original story.
p. 352 – Canman X 8-Inch Vinyl Figures:
This will go well with my series of Graffiti Cleaning Team action figures.
p. 366 – Pocahontas 1/4-Scale Statue:
“This 19″ tall statue [...] complete with a magnetic removeable top….”
Finally, a way to get kids interested in history again…statuettes of famous folks with magnetic removable tops! Marie Curie, Florence Nightingale, Teddy Roosevelt…the possibilities are endless.
p. 371 – Steampunk Multi-Gear Necklace & Earrings:
Ah, yes, from the “That One Drawer in Dad’s Old Toolbox out in The Garage” Collection.
p. 380 – Disney X Roen Collection: Grunge Rock Mickey Vinyl Collector Doll:
Son of a gun! All apologies for this joke, but does it come in a heart-shaped box? This kind of thing gives me an aneurysm. It just drains you. You know? Even a sliver of this stuff is just too much. Just stay away with that crap.
I — you know what, nevermind.
p. 386 – Star Wars Darth Vader CD Boombox:
I kind of want this, though it disturbs me to think about a Darth Vader that could flip back the top of his head to yank out compact discs (or remove discs from other parts of his body) to throw at people, sorta like CD Head from Hellraiser 3:
p. 397 – Kick Ass Coffee Mugs:
As previously featured in End of Civilization, the Kick Ass mugs have apparently been delayed from their original solicitation and are being offered again. Without, however, the “It’s ******** Clobbering Time!” mug, which perhaps caused Marvel to have a word or two with the Kick Ass licensing folks.
The “You Are A ******* P**SY” mug does seem to be a bit confrontational. And is it supposed to be, y’know, aimed at other people in the office, telling them that they are the “******* P**S[S*ES]” in question, or is it some kind of reverse-psychology motivator for the owner of the mug, telling him to man up and finally tell that j*ck*ff in Accounting what he really thinks of him? Who can say. Who can truly ******* say.
p. 399 – The Smurfs Tynies Glass Figurines:
Each one only one inch (or two half-inch apples) tall (even Gargamel)…now look even more like hideous grubs that will burrow under your skin and feed off your blood. AAAA SMURFS ALL OVER ME GET THEM OFF
p. 410 – Cthulhu Tentacle Plush:
NOT A SEX TOY…ah, who am I kidding. Totally a sex toy.
p. 410 – Monopoly Futurama Collector’s Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do bite my shiny metal…oh, wait, there’s a “bite my shiny metal ass” gag in the actual solicitation. Ah, this time, you have the upper hand, Diamond Previews, but things will be different when next we meet. Oh yes.
p. 410 – Monopoly Star Trek Klingon Collector’s Edition Board Game:
Do not pass Sto-vo-kor, do not ‘ay’vamDaq nuHmey tIQeq.
p. 414 – Grant Morrison Talking with Gods Special Edition DVD:
“…Includes over 3 and a half hours of new material, including [...] Grant teaching viewers how to summon the News Gods at home.”
Presumably that’s a typo, and they meant “New Gods,” unless Grant’s actually presenting his elaborate masturbation-magick ritual to summon the spirit of Walter Cronkite, and I’m not sure the world is quite ready for that.
Marvel Previews p. 63 – Wolverine #300:
Ah, hell, let’s just put any ol’ number on the comics now. Not like anyone’s gonna be able to figure this all out a century from now anyway…if anyone’s still going to care. Or, heck, let’s just do away with issue numbers entirely. We can just go by dates. It’s good enough for Newsweek (though it could be a bit embarrassing if there’s another one of these situations).
It’s that time once again, when I flip through the new Diamond Previews and pick out and poke at those new goodies that catch my attention. And if you want to follow along, grab your copy of the October 2011 edition and…um, follow along, I suppose!
p. 131 – Hellblazer Annual #1:
Finally! At long last, a Hellblazer annual! I’ve been waiting so long for the Hellblazer series to be given a chance to shine in a special extra-length adventure! And by “waiting so long” I mean “the twenty years since the last Hellblazer Annual #1.”
p. 138 – Superman Patina Mini Statue:
This just reminds me that, aside from movie tie-in merchandise, we’re probably not going to see a whole lot of licensing with Superman in the new shortsless get-up.
p. 139 – Just-Us-League of Stupid Heroes Series 1 Action Figures:
Huh. These are supposed to be parody figures, but they didn’t change Aquaman at all.
p. 145 – Snake Eyes #8:
With a special photo-cover featuring an exclusive look at a scene from the next G.I. Joe movie! Or pics of G.I. Joe action figures. Same diff.
p. 223 – Evil Spock T-Shirt:
I think they misspelled “Sexy.”
p. 229 – Archie #627 Archie Meets KISS Part 1:
I hope this leads into future storylines where the Archie gang meets other musical acts. “Archie Meets G.G. Allin” is the one I look forward to the most, I think. …Don’t use G.G.’s microphone, Reggie!
p. 266 – Lord of the Jungle #1:
“For the first time in its 100 year history the classic Edgar Rice Burroughs story, Tarzan of the Apes is told UNCENSORED!”
Mostly, I’m just amazed there’s a comic book version of this TV show. I think they missed a bet, though, in not focusing on the many ways comic book characters die. …Would have had the Ted Kord Blue Beetle fans interested, at least.
p. 341 – The DC Superhero Chess Figure Collector Magazine:
The characters from Checkmate are going to be featured in this series eventually, aren’t they?
p. 345 – If You Give A Kid A Cookie, Will He Shut the F*** Up? HC:
So is making faux-kids’ books with profanities in the title the new fad now? Charlotte’s F***ing Web? Harry Potter and the Chamber of S**t? What the C*** Did I See on Mulberry Street? From the F***ed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler?
Anyway, as literary fads go, it’s better than zombies. Unless they mix those in, too. It’s Motherf***ing Zombies, Charlie Brown!
p. 345 – Bugf#ck The Worthless Wit & Wisdom of Harlan Ellison:
And here’s another faux-kids’ bo…oh, wait, hold on. The “f#ck” threw me off.
p. 357 – Splitscream T-Shirt:
Uh…what?
p. 364 – The Punisher Jakes Knit Cap:
Just imagine if this was the Punisher’s identifying clothing, instead of the skull shirt. I don’t know if that would be hilarious or somehow even more terrifying.
p. 368 – Ghostbusters Terror Dog Light-Up Mini Statue:
So is this Sigourney Weaver, or is this Rick Moranis? …Somewhere, a Ghostbusters fan is worrying about this. Or, uh, just buying two of them, I guess.
p. 370 – Femme Fatales Bo Peep PVC Statue:
According to the solicit, the statue “re-imagines the demure shepherdess as a fierce highlands warrior with wolfskin boots and gauntlets and a shepherd’s crook that will take your head off.” …”Re-imagines” seems like understating it just slightly.
p. 382 – Mr. Potato Head Kiss 2011 Collector Set:
So when do these guys team up with Archie? Also, how different is this set from ones in previous years? Is the 1983 Collector Set sans makeup? …Or you can just take off the makeup pieces, maybe.
p. 398 – Disney Pirates of the Caribbean Captain Jack Sparrow Mickey Vinyl Collector Doll:
I am upsetting myself by picturing Mickey in the place of Johnny Depp in all the Pirates films, so I’m stopping now.
p. 399 – Doctor Who Eleventh Doctor with Cowboy Hat Figure:
Has the Doctor shown up in a sombrero yet? I’d buy a Doctor Who Eleventh Doctor with Sombrero figure.
p. 410 – Mixo DC Heroes Kooky Kans:
Apparently these are like cylindrical lunch boxes, or…something, I guess? But I swear, when I first glanced at the picture, I thought it was superhero-themed deodorant cans. Too bad…that’d probably do well at conventions.
p. 411 – Superman and Supergirl Emblem Pendants:
The Supergirl emblem’s solicitation text states that Supergirl “wears a distinctive version of the House of El’s sigil.” And by “distinctive” they mean “perhaps…slightly more pinkish, maybe?” Or “more glare in the photo?”
p. 411 – DC Comics Pint Glasses:
“Superman Pick-Up Lines” is about as fundamental misunderstanding of the character as…well, this. And let’s face it, “wanna come to my Batcave” just plain crosses the line from “subtext” to full-on “text.”
p. 418 – Star Trek Mighty Wallets:
So here I was, all ready to make a joke about “they don’t use money in Star Trek‘s future, hurr hurr,” but Previews totally beats me to it in the actual solicitation text. …Well played, Previews, well played. You have won this battle.
p. 418 – Star Wars Imperial Forces Wallpaper:
In case you needed something to finish off the nursery, along with the TIE fighter mobile, the R2-D2-shaped milk bottle, and the furry Ewok diapers. My best to you, your spouse, and, of course, baby Lobot.
Is it true…? Could it be…? Yes, it is…it’s the End of Civilization, as I work through the newest Diamond Previews catalog and point at things and crack wise about them. It’s all in good fun, folks. Plus, if I don’t get it out here, I’ll take it out on my customers or on Employee Aaron, and nobody wants that. Especially Employee Aaron. So grab your September 2011 edition of Previews and follow along! And before you say anything, yeah, I didn’t include Green Arrow. Not enough…um, well, you’ll see.
p. 28-29 – Angel & Faith #4 & Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 9 #3:
…But not in any of the listed credits of the folks actually working on the books. He simply hovers above them, a ghostly divine presence, inspiring them with his magical essence.
p. 42-43 – Kull: The Cat and the Skull #2 & Solomon Kane Volume 3 Red Shadows TP:
Ooh, considering how the movie did, you might want to downplay that part a bit.
p. 64 – Aquaman #3:
Blood!
p. 76 – Batman #3:
Ooh, more blood!
p. 83 – Catwoman #3:
And yet more blood!
p. 89 – Green Lantern Corps #3:
Impalings! And blood!
p. 91 – Red Lanterns #3:
Look at all that blood!
p. 96 – I, Vampire #3:
Blood via axing!
p. 101 – Suicide Squad #3:
…And in conclusion: blood! Please donate it where you work or bank. Thank you.
p. 113 – DC Comics Presents Elseworlds 80-Page Giant #1:
Oh, great, now they’re releasing it? I flew to England where they were accidentally distributed in order to buy multiple copies for investment, and now they’re worth nothing! NOTHING! How am I supposed to pay for my new driveway now?
NOTE: not making a joke, really. Just venting over something stupid someone once said in my comments. Don’t mind me.
p. 226 – Billy Tucci: A Child Is Born one-shot:
Finally, the life story of Billy Tucci, in comic bo…wait, what? Really? …Oh. Never mind.
p. 230 – Archie Cyber Adventures TP:
Archie waits for his Windows Updates to finish downloading! Betty tries out Chatroulette, and you’ll never believe what she finds! What is the mystery of the black van parked outside Mr. Weatherbee’s house? Hot Dog is on Twitter, and Jughead is steamed that he has fewer followers! Who is the mysterious “D.D.” behind “Riverdaleleaks?”
p. 260 – Decision 2012:
Basically, a “straw poll” for comic fans…the publisher will tally up the preorders and announce the numbers, with the highest-ordered book being the “winner.” Books that don’t get at least 1,500 orders won’t be printed.
Oh, thank goodness, that Obama comic book drought was a rough one to ride out.
What is it that she keeps looking at off-panel?
At one point in his business career, Mr. Cain oversaw the operations of a number of Burger Kings. I only bring this up because I want this comic to be about Herman Cain and the Burger King going out on adventures. I don’t care if it’s not true.
Why this man hasn’t exploited his name to get that valuable Monty Python Fan vote, I have no idea.
Ooh, shame about that 1,500 preorder barrier, Jon. Better luck next time.
Hey, why do the pages suddenly go blank halfway through?
Don’t worry, Ron, I’m sure your comic will demonstrate the free market in action.
Like politically-themed comics? Don’t worry, there’s paw-lenty more where those came from!
I just want them to explain the name “Mitt.” …On second thought, don’t. Let the world have a little mystery in it.
Santorum was always my favorite Kirby Monster.
p. 348 – The Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine Special: M.O.D.O.K.:
On the other hand, I think M.O.D.O.K. would make a great President.
p. 353 – Star Wars Shadow Games MMPB:
Is it weird to think about the Star Wars Universe having “pop stars?” The movies are so caught up in magical superbeings and royal leaders and big space battles that a concept as relatively mundane as a “pop star” seems hopelessly out of place. …Would Star Wars Universe pop stars wear clothing reminiscent of the Empire (maybe even a Vader-esque helmet) to give themselves that counter-cultural veneer that would attract youth and outrage parents?
p. 373 – Thor’s Hammer Sculpted Bottle Opener:
You can pretty much just make up your own joke about using this to open beer bottles so you can “get hammered.”
p. 385 – Mr. Potato Head: Star Trek – Kirk/Kor Set:
Is that Mr. Potato Kirk’s real hair? Only his chef knows for sure.
p. 390 – Dazzler Statue:
Not pointing this out to make fun…just wanted to state that they picked the best possible base for this statue.
p. 403 – S.H. Monster Arts: Godzilla Action Figure:
Oh dear, when you start needing a walker for your atomic breath, it’s probably time to retire, don’cha know.
p. 404 – Ikki Tousen: Ryofu Housen “Maid Suntan Version” PVC Figure:
That’s an awfully specific name for a figure that’s basically “Naked Submissive Chick in an Apron.”
p. 411 – Pez Presidents of the United States Volume 1 Gift Set:
You don’t want to know where the candy comes out of the Bill Clinton dispenser.
p. 426 – Metallica Collector’s Edition Monopoly:
Pretty sure there are still people in the JAIL square doin’ time on the Napster rap.
p. 432- Smallville The Complete Series DVD Set:
Relieve those ten years waiting for Clark Kent to turn into Superman. Hey, maybe it’ll turn out differently this time!
Hey gang! I’ve come to a bipartisan agreement, with myself, to raise the entertainment ceiling and bring you a bunch of swell items from the latest Diamond Previews…so dig out your copy (the August 2011 edition, to be precise) and let’s see what the future has in store for us:
p. 34 – Star Wars Episode I Adventures:
Wishing they were in a better movie, I’d imagine. Well, except maybe Jar Jar.
p. 275 – Stan Lee’s How to Write Comics:
1. Face front. 2. Alliterate. 3. Take all the credit. 4. Grow a sweet mustache.
p. 361 – Star Wars: The Complete Vader:
Only complete if it includes a soundchip with this:
Also, I will never, ever get tired of that sound clip.
p. 390 – Green Lantern Movie Master Wave 5 Action Figures:
I was going to say something along the lines of “why are they still hiding ‘spoiler’ images for the figures when the movie’s been out for a while” until I remembered that, all things considered, the movie’s contents still remain pretty much unknown.
p. 390 – All-City Breakers Mini-Figures:
This is what my set of army men figures needed…more of these guys, fewer of the dudes with the metal detectors.
p. 396 – Jeff Dunham 18-Inch Talking Dolls:
WELCOME TO HELL:
p. 404 – Friday the 13th Part IV Jason’s Mask Replica:
Suitable for wall-hanging, or ideally over the faces of appropriately-sized old family portraits. Liven up that 70-year-old painting of some great-aunt whose name you don’t even remember with the mask of a fictional serial killer!
p. 406 – Iron Man Space Armor Mini-Bust:
So long as we’re doing statues of Iron Man’s various armors, I’m putting in my request for the nose mask version.
p. 406 – Iron Man Hydro Armor Mini-Bust:
No one has ever demanded this.
p. 430 – Think Greek Annoy-A-Tron 2.0:
Geek-themed noisemaker. Never, ever bring this with you on a trip that involves, at some point, having to get onto an airplane.
p. 432 – DC Heroes Can Coolers:
If you’re having to depend on Robin to help you hook up, well, I don’t know what to tell you, man.
p. 432 – DC Heroes Aprons:
For all the hoohar going on recently regarding Wonder Woman’s costume status re: pants/no pants, be aware that there could have been a horrible third option.
p. 432 – DC Comics EFX Wristband:
So the embedded hologram will let me fly or form green energy constructs, right? That’s how the whole “magical hologram” thing is supposed to work, if I understand correctly.
p. 435 – Zombie Plush Slippers:
Please enjoy that one time you wear these around the house before the significant other tells you to put those things away.
p. 437 – Pop! Movies Gizmo Vinyl Figure:
WARNING: DO NOT GET WET…unless it gets a little dusty, in which case wipe off with a damp washcloth and a bit of soap.
p. 442 – Watchmen Magnets:
I was beginning to miss my regular infusions of fantastic Watchmen merchandise. “These magnets feature the memorable characters of Zack Snyder’s visionary film Watchmen, based on the best-selling graphic novel,” sez the solicitation. You don’t say.
I think Ozymandias is my favorite, here.
p. 448 – Star Fluxx Card Game:
Oh, there is an “L.”
Marvel Previews p. 12-13 – John Carter: A Princess of Mars & John Carter of Mars: World of Mars #1:
I’m betting Dynamite Comics is thrilled about this.
Marvel Previews p. 19 – Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #3 -:
Who, indeed? Man, imagine if it were, like, a non-white character! That would be pretty awesome. And I’m sure no one would say anything remarkably stupid or racist-sounding about it. Honestly, this is the 21st century – what are the chances of that happening?
In case that seven million copy print run of the original wasn’t enough, here comes another, oh, 15,000 or so.
Marvel Previews p. 55 – Wolverine & the X-Men #1:
You see, Marvel’s actually doing us a favor by starting up yet another X-Men series. They’re cancelling Uncanny X-Men this month, but should the number of X-titles fall below a certain critical level, the natural balance of things would be lost, and the Earth itself could lose all orbital stability and spiral right into the sun. Thank you, Marvel, for saving us all from total destruction!
Marvel Previews p. 113 – Marvel posters:
Hey, you know what’s gonna keep us from ordering any posters for the store?
ad detail from Fantastic Films #20 (December 1980)
Five hundred dollars? In 1980? That’s like a billionty dollars in 2011 money. …Oh, okay, it’s closer to about $1,300 or so, according to that currency conversion site I checked it on. But still, that’s a lot of scratch for someone to dole out for a sci-fi collectible at the time. Or maybe it wasn’t…I don’t know, I was only 11 at the time, I was too busy keeping tabs on my couple of bucks’ worth of comics-buying budget to worry about slapping down five bills for something that dear, and, let’s face it*, completely awesome.
By the way, this isn’t a sculpture…it’s a “custom limited edition mask” (it says elsewhere on the page) from Don Post Studios, which “comes complete with its own attractive display case” and “each [mask] is individually crafted as your order is received.”
It also says each set is “serialized and recorded,” so…I wonder if you could contact the studio today with a serial number to verify that the mask is authentic, or establish chain of ownership? I’m guessing so. I’m sure it’s all computerized, but I still amused myself by picturing a beat-up old notebook, with each purchaser’s name scribbled in it along with the serial number, with “PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT THE FACEHUGGER MASK” in felt tip pen on the cover, sitting on a shelf somewhere in the office.
And you know, the more I think about it…I’m betting as rare as this item likely is now, that $500 price tag was probably a bargain.
* Almost wrote “let’s face-hugger it.” So glad I resisted the temptation.
Oh, it’s another one of these, so put on your nice shoes, comb your hair, brush your teeth, wash behind your ears, trim your fingernails, pluck out those stray hairs, put on your worm suit, and follow along in your copy of Previews, July 2011 edition. …Also, I work the room a little blue in this installment, for which I apologize. Clearly violent video games are to blame.
p. 66 – Justice League #1:
Whoa, hey, a new Justice League #1! Well, that’s certainly unexpec…
p. 68 – Aquaman #1:
…Wait, hold on? An Aquaman #1, too? They’re gonna try and make Aquaman stick again, huh? Well, good lu…
p. 73 – Green Arrow #1:
Oh, come on. Didn’t they just restart this series, like, a year ago? Is this like that old Zero Hour event, where they gave every series a #0 issue? Like, this is One Hour or something?
p. 84 – Batman: The Dark Knight #1:
A new #1. For a series that’s had a whole two issues so far. DC’s just screwing with me, isn’t it?
p. 87 – Batwoman #1:
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Oh, yeah, right.
p. 119 – The Bible HC:
So I hear DC is rebooting Christianity with this issue, and giving everyone new costumes and powers.
p. 144 – True Blood The French Quarter #2:
“Hey, do you have that photo variant cover?”
“Nah…we were only able to get one for the number of regular covers we ordered and we’ve already sold it.”
“Oh, that’s too bad, that’s the only cover I was interested in.”
“Yeah, I hear that a lot.”
p. 226 – Angry Bird of Prey T-Shirt:
You’d be angry, too, if you had that stickin’ in your rear.
p. 274 – Green Hornet #20
Sure are a lot fewer Green Hornet comics in this catalog. I’m sure the number will pick up again once Seth Rogan starts working on the sequel.
p. 291 – Mangaman HC:
I was kinda working on my own Mangaman character for a while. He was a superhero, with the power of asking retailers for manga by their original Japanese titles instead of the English titles they might actually recognize them by, and then would get upset when he found out there aren’t any volumes past the point of the fan-translations he’s already read online for free.
But clearly that’s crazy. Who would ever believe such a preposterous scenario?
p. 298 – Holy Terror HC:
I’m going to call that “New Frank Miller GN!” blurb the least necessary blurb ever. (And not just because it says “Frank Miller’s” at the top there.)
p. 338 – The Boy Who Loved Batman: A Memoir HC:
I had no idea the Chris Sims autobiography was out already.
p. 338 – The Batman Files Deluxe HC:
“The Batman Files includes in-depth computer files, news articles, crime scene photos, blueprints, schematics, and actual maps of Gotham City that were collected, and in many cases even drawn, by the Caped Crusader himself.”
THE CAPED CARTOGRAPHER. Of course, some kid is going to take that “drawn by Batman himself” thing to heart, and then see whoever the maps are actually credited to in the fine print, and then he’ll be all “oh my God…Eugene Miller is Batman?”
p. 352 – Star Trek Vault: 40 Years from The Archives:
“REVEALED WITHIN: Gene Roddenberry originally pitched Star Trek as, not ‘Wagon Train in space,’ but as The Long, Long Trailer in space,’ with Kirk and Spock stuck in an out-of-control rocket ship traveling across the galaxy, and the two men constantly being tossed about the cabin by the rocket’s erratic movements.”
No, I’m sorry, I’m totally lying. Bet I completely fooled you, though.
p. 352 – Star Wars The Blueprints Deluxe Slipcased Edition:
“NO DISINTEGRATIONS. Or popcorn balls. I mean, gross, who likes those things?”
p. 377 – Star Wars Yoda Candy Bowl Holder:
“Stunt your growth too much candy will.”
p. 377 – Star Wars Darth Vader Candy Dish Holder:
“Can someone please help me shove some Twizzlers through my mouth-grate? I’m so, so hungry.”
p. 387 – My First Bacon Talking Plush:
Never too early to start instilling children with those vague half-memories of strange, unexplained things from their infancy.
p. 388 – Doctor Who Fourth Doctor & Sontaran 8-Inch Action Figures:
So nice to see Sebastian Shaw get some work after being unceremoniously replaced by Hayden Christensen at the end of the Return of the Jedi special edition.
p. 391 – Plush Beating Heart:
And once I get my hands on a plush human brain, my plush Frankenstein’s Monster will be alive…ALIIIIIIVE!
p. 392 – The Lego Ideas Book:
First idea: build a Lego version of this book.
p. 402 – The Dukes of Hazzard The Ghost of General Lee 1/25-Scale Model Kit:
“On October 26, 1979, the famous Dukes of Hazzard episode, ‘Ghost of General Lee,’ aired on CBS. It featured Rosco getting scared out of his wits by a glowing General Lee charger, back from the dead- or so he thought!”
I never watched much of this show as a kid…but had I known there was an episode about a dude being scared by the ghost of a car…! You’re not going to see anything this great on your Sons of Anarchys or your The Wires, smart guys.
p. 407 – Red Skull Mini-Bust:
“Well, before we approve this….”
“Yes?”
“Does he have to be so…you know, red?”
“Uh, his name’s the Red Skull.”
“That’s another thing…the skull’s a bit much. Can you…flesh him up a bit?”
“He’s the Skull.”
“Oh, oh…sure, he’d still have a skull, you know, under his skin. His more pinkish skin.”
p. 410 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – Savage Oppress Statue:
“Okay, before we start printing up the boxes for this thing, we’re going to need the character’s actual name to replace this placeholder name you sent us.”
“Placeholder name?”
“Yeah…this ‘Savage Oppress.’ We need to replace that on the packaging with the real name.”
“Um, that is the real name.”
“…Seriously?”
p. 422 – Halloween Necklace Prosthetics:
AND NOW, THE WORST JOKE I HAVE EVER WRITTEN:
I think there’s a white-colored version in the Adult Previews.
THANK YOU FOR READING PROGRESSIVE RUIN. WE’LL MISS HAVING YOU AROUND.
p. 424 – Zombie Costume Tee White T-Shirt:
At the shop, in the near future:
ME: “Hey, you’re wearing one of those novelty Zombie t-shirts!”
DUDE: “A novelty what?”
ME: “Um…nothing. Didn’t say anything.”
p. 430 – Green Lantern Spinning Ring:
Meanwhile, Myrwhydden constantly has motion sickness.
p. 432 – The Exorcist Regan Lenticular Mirror:
When I was but a wee Mikester, I had as a toy a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy. No, I’m not 70 years old, wise guy…they’re stillmarketing these things. Anyway, there were times when I was terrified of it…I’d seen the movies and TV shows, I knew ventriloquist dummies were just sitting there waiting for the right moment to strike and strangle a kid. But there it would sit, in my room, and, late at night, I just knew it was going to get up off that chair or clamber out of the toybox and get me.
I would still rather have that ventriloquist doll than this Regan mirror thing lookin’ at me from a wall.
p. 447 – Operation Star Wars R2-D2 Edition:
So that’s what happened to all of Artoo’s gadgets between the Prequel trilogy and the Original Trilogy…you pulled those out of him! How can you people live with yourselves?
p. 449 – Munchkin Axe Cop:
I do not envy the gamemakers’ task in constraining this comic to a set series of rules.
Marvel Previews p. 92 – Avengers: West Coast Avengers – Sins of the Past Premiere HC:
So that’s the cover you really want to go with. Here, let me recommend a slightly less creepy image:
Hey gang! Welcome to the very first installment of the End of Civilization, a brand new feature here at Progressive Ruin! I’m your host, 26-year-old Spike Merling, inviting you to pop up the collars on your new costumes, flip open your June 2011 edition of Diamond Previews, and follow along!
p. 61-136 – DC Comics:
Huh, that’s strange…it seems like nearly every comic this month has “finale” or “final battle” or “shocking conclusion” or something similar in its solicitation:
That’s some coincidence. It’s almost like they’re planning some fresh starts in the following month.
p. 163 – Berkeley Breathed’s Bloom County Calendar 2012:
Suddenly I feel like I’m back in high school again. Who’d have thought we’d ever see another Bloom County calendar?
I almost admire the decision to put out a Total Recall t-shirt almost 21 years after the fact (remake notwithstanding). But aside from that…this character in particular at best shares an ass, right?
p. 228 – Archie & Friends #157:
Speaking of old things being new again, that’s some continuing commitment to the original “Man from R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E.” gimmick of parodying the 1960s trend of elaborately-acronymed organizations in spy movies.
p. 290 – Gumby’s Arthur Adams Specials TP:
And speaking of yet more old things: “for the first time in 25 years the Eisner Award-winning Gumby Specials are available!”
And by “old things,” I mean me, and how I’m feeling right now after reading that.
Someone somewhere is shrugging, saying “eh, close enough” and making room on his Persis Khambatta tribute shelf.
p. 344 – Undying Monsters Magazine #3:
So Wednesday at the shop we received a copy of Freaky Monsters, and here we have Undying Monsters. I wonder if I can get away with Infamous Monsters, or would the Famous Monsters people get on my case? (Or has it already been done? I bet it has.)
p. 345 – Saved by The Bell Guide to Life SC:
“…And most importantly, don’t play a stripper in a Paul Verhoeven movie.”
Comes with a mini raven statuette that contains a “Nevermore!” soundchip. Probably works at the push of a button, but really should just do it randomly. While it’s sitting on top of your chamber door. Looking at you.
p. 349 – Star Wars: How to Speak Wookiee HC:
It’s a sound book, with suggestions on what to say and how to say it in everyday dealing with Wookiees. Ladies, gentlemen, droids…this is the greatest book ever made.
p. 349 – Star Wars The Essential Guide to Warfare SC:
“Stormtroopers: always aim high or off to the side, to anticipate any sudden evasive movements. Aiming directly at the target is a fool’s game.”
p. 362 – Married with Children “No Ma’am” White T-Shirt:
For a second there I thought this was a piece of Dilbert merchandise. My mistake.
p. 364 – Green Lantern Movie Tomar-Re and Kilowog Latex Hands:
These are things that you will be able to find in stores (or online) and buy. Truly this is an age of wonders.
p. 366 – Thor Movie: Loki Deluxe Costume:
I offered Employee Aaron one American dollar if he would wear this costume at work. Or, you know, at least that awesome helmet. Hey, it only costs 65 bucks, and I’m kicking in a buck. The least he could do is spring for the rest.
p. 369 – Zombie Hunter Military Style Green T-Shirt:
You know the guy wearing this shirt is the first one going down when the zombie apocalypse begins.
p. 376 – Bruce Lee Series 1 5-inch Action Figures:
This is what I picture the red blood cells in Bruce Lee’s veins must have looked like.
p. 379 – DC Universe Mez-Itz Series 2 6-Inch Action Figures:
Clearly Darkseid did not have likeness approval rights on this product.
p. 384 – Marvel Universe Super Hero Team Action Figure Packs:
H.E.R.B.I.E. action figure.
H.E.R.B.I.E. action figure.
H.E.R.B.I.E. ACTION FIGURE.
p. 385 – Alien Facehugger Plush:
It doesn’t say in the solicitation, but surely this is life-size. SURELY IT MUST BE. Who wouldn’t put one of these on his or her face immediately? …Well, maybe not John Hurt.
p. 386 – Barbie Famous Friends Frank Sinatra Doll:
Super Teen Skipper Frank Sinatra Jr. Doll sold separately.
p. 387 – Peanuts 2011 Christmas Deluxe Poseable Figures:
First glance through the catalog, I irrationally thought Lucy was holding some kind of elaborate crossbow there. “I’m going to kick the football for sure, Lucy!” “Oh, I don’t think so, Charlie Brown.” THWIPP. THUNK.
p. 393 – Star Wars Footeez Plushes:
“AAAH WHO PUT TOMATOES ON MY EYES”
“Man, I hate having to shave.”
“CHEST…STRAPS…TOO TIGHT”
Minimalist Artoo is minimalist.
“Stormtroopers are tasty!”
“Call me ‘Stewie’ why do you?”
p. 398 – Lady Death Fine Art Bronze Statue:
$2,900 a pop. Limited to only 30 pieces, so tough luck if you were planning to use these as table centerpieces at any large formal gatherings.
p. 399 – The Walking Dead Nate Torso Statuette:
Man, a dude wearing a Walking Dead t-shirt…becoming a zombie? What are the chances of that happening?
p. 407 – Star Wars 2-1B Surgical Droid Mini-Bust:
Somewhere the world’s biggest 2-1B fan is clearing room on his tribute shelf. …Probably not the same guy as the Persis Khambatta fan I mentioned above, but you never know.
p. 412 – Kotobukiya Original Dinosaur Chopsticks:
So I can’t decide…is it more disturbing to eat your food with an animal’s tail…
p. 412 – Animal Chopsticks:
…or an animal’s nose?
p. 413 – To-Heart 2 Another Days Silfa-Summer Memories Ani-Statue:
Hmmm…just what could the primary selling points of this statue be?
p. 425 – Alien Blood Energy Drink:
“Have you ever experience a loss of memory or ‘missing time’? Do you have reoccuring [sic] dreams of extraterrestrial worlds or landscapes? Have you discovered strange bumps, bruises, or rectal pain? Have you ever experienced a loss of energy? If so, there is a good chance you have been abducted by aliens! Never fear – Harcos Labs can help with the loss of energy.”
You know, that’s some confidence in the tastiness of your novelty drink to include the words “rectal pain” in your sales pitch.
p. 429 – Charlie Sheen Talking Wacky Wobbler:
I can’t help but think some of the words in this item’s name may be redundant.
p. 431 – Gumby 16-Ounce Pub Glass:
Just in case your drinking experience required ADDITIONAL TERROR.
p. 444 – Ventura Board Game:
Imagine my disappointment that this game wasn’t about Ventura, CA, the city in which our store is based. “Whoops, you’ve landed on Ralph’s Comic Corner. Fork over all your cash while Mike laughs maniacally.”
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