So it’s been a while since I’ve done an End of Civilization post (this notwithstanding) in which I go through the distributor catalogs and crack wise about some of the goodies appearing therein.
Part of the reason this series of posts went into decline is the lack of time I’ve had to put them together since opening my own shop back in 2014. Another is that my mindset seemed to have changed slightly because I was now a store owner, and…I don’t know, I don’t think I was more sympathetic to distributors, publishers and their products by any means, but I felt perhaps a little less inclined to be openly mocking them as I had been .
And of course, with the demise of the original Diamond Comic Distributors and their Diamond Previews print catalog, my main source of material has fallen to the wayside. Yes, every current comics distributor has their own catalog, or set of catalogs, that they release monthly, but making fun of just comic books isn’t quite the same as pointing out some new ridiculous Monopoly variant or a PVC statue of a schoolgirl in a bikini or whatever.
Plus, it was easier, at least in terms of “planning out a hopefuly-humorous blog post” if not “placing orders for the shop” to have everything in one spot. Now that it’s decentralized, I have to work harder for the laughs, and you all know how much I hate to work.
That said, I do have an account with the current owners of the Diamond brand, via which they primarily sell just toys and game pieces, and from whom I’ve received exactly one item (a Halloween Michael Myers action figure, ordered from the old Diamond long before its final collapse). I’ve spent many a week looking through their offerings, new releases and final calls to order, and have found basically nothing making it worth the effort I took to get an account at this new company in the first place.
But I found something this past weekend that almost makes me think End of Civilization could perhaps rise from the ashes. And that’s the “Star Wars: Rogue One Director Krennic Cape,” available in multiple sizes:
Yes, for only $200, you can have a cape that you’ll want to wear to work, to jury duty, to weddings, pretty much every waking hour to justify dropping two C-notes. When I pointed this price out on the Blueskies, that I hadn’t priced capes in a while and had no idea if this cost was in line with your standard cape expenses, I was told “yeah, it’s in the proper range.” I don’t recall if the rest of the costume as shown in that picture was also available for sale, but maybe the manufacturer just assumes you have the clothes already. I mean, don’t you?
So as a funnybook-readin’ adult, there are very few times where I’ve had a direct, visceral reaction to something in a comic book. Like, a literal shock to an event or, well, something else. I mean, I’ve enjoyed comics, I’ve been in suspense, I’ve found things funny, but rarely have I encountered a comic that really gave me a jolt.
One of them was Superman: American Alien, which, yeah, I know, that writer, that series, etc., but there’s a page-turn jumpscare where Clark is just sitting there calmly, and then on the next page there’s Batman just crashing violently through a window at him. Don’t know why that was so effective on me, but this generated actual frission.
Another was, in of all things, Doomsday Clock, where at the back of the book you will happen upon a reproduction of a photo that plays an important part in the story (and its presence actually fits thematically). Totally unexpected, totally surprised me.
The latest example is a brief bit from the beginning of this week’s Batman and Robin: Year One #8, in which Robin disarms a thug, grabs the gun, and immediately points it back at his opponent:
This struck me as…wildly wrong, an image that just gets hit with the “REJECT” stamp by my brain. Of course, moments later Batman slaps the weapon out of Robin’s hand and admonishes his sidekick about never using guns. But that panel was a real “oh shit” moment that I physically felt.
I tried to share this observation on the War Rocket Ajax Discord message board, and got a real sense that I was, like, the one person to feel that way. Of course, I don’t participate too much (mostly I’m on there to talk to the show hosts Chris ‘n’ Matt) and the whole ecosystem that’s built up feels like I’m reading someone else’s mail, despite the fact I’ve listened to every episode of that podcast. At any rate, I got no back-up on my particular feeling about this panel, but it’s not the first time I’ve died on a hill occupied by nobody else.
All rise…this month’s End of Civilization is now in session! The honorable Spike Merling is presiding. …Do you solemnly swear on this copy of Hero Illustrated #2 from 1993 and its attendant Aliens Vs. Predator ashcan included in the sealed polybag to read along in your copy of the September 2020 Diamond Previews and DC Current #4?
Well, too bad, because you’re getting this End of Civilization anyway:
p. 38 – Darkness 25th Anniversary Commemorative Edition:
Celebrating 25 years of people bringing their copies back to the shop and asking “is it worth anything yet?”
p. 59 – Ice Cream Man #21:
Wait, hold on, how do they expect to sell piles of copies to speculators without a Dr. Seuss parody cover? C’MON, MARKETING
p. 72 – Stranger Things Dungeons & Dragons Crossover #1:
Oh yeah, sure, if you want to do the obvious thing. I think we all know the Stranger Things crossover we’re really waiting for.
p. 103 – Locke & Key Sandman Hell & Gone #1:
Finally, the dark, gritty horror version of Flint Marko we’ve been waiting for.
p. 123 – Goosebumps Secrets of the Swamp #3:
Is there some kind of…thing…in there? Is that the secret, that this is a surreptitious DC/IDW crossover to go along with that Locke & Key/Sandman one? HAVE I CRACKED THE CODE
p. 202 – Marvel Value Stamps A Visual History HC:
I just know these are going to show up in collections a decade or two down the line with some of the stamps clipped out.
[NOTE: yes, this solicitation was apparently cancelled, almost certainly due to time-traveling demand from an alternate future version of myself dealing with the very problem I just described]
p. 230 – Tremendous Trump Trade War TPB:
Collects together all those prevoius Trump parody comics so you can remember those things we were making fun of before they got repeatedly supplanted by new things Trump did.
Kudos on the great name for the book, however.
p. 231 – Punchline #11:
How pissed do you think these guys are at DC right now?
p. 248 – Everything Will Be Okay TP:
The new graphic novel from Matt Wilson! I bet his coloring will be great!
p. 250 – Batman 100 Greatest Moments HC:
Ooh, it better include this:
Or this classic scene:
Or this groundbreaking team-up:
Or this defining moment:
Or even this scene from Batman: Damned:
p. 309 – Batman and the Missing Punch Line Young Adult SC:
“Missing?” You can’t swing a dead Catwoman in this month’s orders without hitting a Punchline. You’re not even trying, Batman.
p. 310 – Little Big Book of Pussy HC:
Hey, great, I love cats!
p. 320 – Alien Official Cookbook HC:
Finally, an excuse to dust off and put out the ol’ John Hurt Lazy Susan.
p. M98 – Dragon Ball Super Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, do not go OVER 9000
Is that how that works? I have no idea. All I know is that this Dragon Ball Monopoly is nowhere near as strong as Superman Monopoly.
DC Connect p. 7 – Punchline #1:
How pissed do you think these guys are at Antarctic right now?
DC Connect p. 18 – Dark Night Death Metal Infinite Hour Exxxtreme! #1:
Look, there are people who find this title to be absolultely delightful, and there are people who are wrong. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Marvel Previews p. 68 – Fantastic Four Antithesis #4:
Boy, after reading that first issue, it’s more like “Anti-TEETH-is, amirite?
Yeah yeah, “but wouldn’t that mean he wouldn’t have teeth?” Shut up, it’s still funny.
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! It appears Ends of Civilization are all the rage right now, so who am I to deny a trend? So get out your copy of the August 2020 Diamond Previews and download your copy of the latest DC Connect catalog, put on your mask and rubber gloves, and follow along:
p. 36 – Scumbag #1:
I GAVE NO PERMISSION FOR THIS BIOGRAPHY
p. 40 – The Walking Dead Deluxe #1:
More like The Walking Red, amirite? Because of all the blood? Anyone? …Look, I havent done this in a while, I’m a little rusty.
p. 42 – Commanders in Crisis & p. 46 – Blue in Green OGN:
Leading into the Commanders in Green and Blue in Crisis crossover event, of course.
p. 60 – Big Girls #3:
Three solicitations in, no sign of crying. Well done.
p. 66 – Fire Power #4:
Look, I’m sorry, but I’m going to wait for the black and white Fire Power Deluxe series a few years down the road.
p. 106 – Transformers/Back to the Future #1:
Just imagining a wasted Transformer that can turn into a DeLorean.
p. 131 – Godzilla History’s Greatest Monster TPB:
Finally someone’s taken the burden of this title from me.
p. 156-7 – Dynamite Neck Gaiters:
Ooh, I don’t know that Dynamite should really be calling anything a name that sounds like “gaters” right now.
p. 178 – Dune House Atreides #1 (of 12):
Only twelve issues? What, are there 40 panels per page?
p. 182 – Brzrkr #1:
Friends, we are reaching a critical shortage of ways to spell “Berserker.” Please, conserve your berserking and only use it when absolutely necessary.
No, I’m not going for a Keanu Reeves joke.
p. 209 – Vault of Cerebus #1:
I’ve somehow accrued three dozen of these Cerebus webstrip reprints and have only managed to read, what, three? Four? Most of the covers are pretty fun, anyway…well, okay, not that one. You know which one.
p. 210 – X-Men The Art & Making of the Animated Series HC:
“Well, we looked at what the animated Batman series was doing, and we did the exact opposite.”
p. 233 – Dilbert: Eagerly Awaiting Your Irrational Response TP:
Sometimes, honestly, I don’t need to write the joke.
p. 241 – Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Presents Madam Satan #1:
Gonna say this is the second least-likely thing I’d ever expected to see under the Archie banner (behind that scene of Reggie masturbating, of course).
p. 253 – Grendel, Kentucky #2:
[EASY JOKE IN 3…2…]
Boy, that Hunter Rose sure gets around.
[EASY JOKE COMPLETED. RETURN TO YOUR HOMES.]
p. 260 – DC Christmas Carols We Wish You A Harley Christmas HC:
There is only one DC Comics-related Christmas Carol that must be in this book. You know which one. Oh, yes you certainly do. YOU’RE SINGING IT IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW
p. 289 – Gremlins Gizmo’s 12 Days of Christmas Board Book:
For the love of God, keep him away from the seven swans a’swimming.
p. 289 – Harry Potter Coloring Wizardry SC:
“What color is a TERF? …Oh, wait, never mind.” [reaches for a white crayon]
p. M13 – Star Wars The Mandalorian Child in Chair 1/2 Scale Statue:
“…The mysterious alien character known only as The Child….” reads an ad elsewhere in Previews. NICE TRY, AD COPY WRITING GUY.
p. M51 – Chilly Willy Vinyl Soda Figure:
“Hi! I’m barely remembered!”
p. M86 – The Batman Who Laughs Rising Board Game:
Is the goal of the game to make the other players sick of seeing the Batman Who Laughs?
p. M86 – Elf Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, do not ever open this and play with it, like all those other novelty Monopoly sets people have given you because you once expressed interest in a thing. …That said, if they ever do Frank Miller’s The Spirit Monopoly, well, you know who you can put on your gift list.
DC Connect p. 15 – Rorschach #1:
Not quite the Rorschach Team-Up comic I’ve been waiting for, but we’re getting there.
DC Connect p. 73 – Batman Three Jokers HC:
please please please don’t have variant covers please
…Though I see they’re mimicking the logo from The Killing Joke, so if they go back to press on this that’s changing colors like they did with the KJ reprints, almost certainly.
DC Connect p. 87 – Y The Last Man Compendium Vol. 1:
“Soon” doing a lot of heavy lifting, there.
Marvel Previews p. 26 – Ultraman #2:
Ah, making the ol’ editor-in-chief feel right at home, I see.
BOO! Here it is, returned at last, on the scariest night of the y–oh, wait, it’s November 1st. Gosh darn it. Well, here it is anyway, aften months on the backburner, the new End of Civilization! Get out your copy of the Diamond Previews catalog, the November 2019 edition, and follow along while I try to remember how to do this:
Previews cover:
“Celebrating the 21st anniversary of Shadowman’s death!”
…yeah, that’s right, that’s some Unity humor right there.
p. 44 – The Clock #1:
The prequel to Doomsday Clock, before, you know, everyone thought they were doomed an’ stuff.
p. 50 – The Complete Witchblade Vol. 1:
Look, if this is gonna be complete, it”ll have to reprint this:
Sorry, that’s just the law, it’s out of my hands.
p. 74 – Project X #2:
“…Mark Millar and Netflix teamed up to give you the perfect Christmas gift-the sequel to one of the most beloved Millarworld projects since the dawn of time.”
I had no idea Superman Adventures was a Millarworld thing.
p. 82 – Frankenstein Undone #1:
Just page after page of folks telling the monster his zipper’s down.
p. 100 – The Mask: I Pledge Allegiace to the Mask #4:
Finally, this shameful series is over! Surely there’s no way the public could tolerate someone making a mockery of the American Presidency like this!
p. 102 – Everything #5:
“I’d like to add Everything to my pull list, please.”
“Oh, so you’d like…Everything, you say?”
“Yes, please get me Everything. I want to see Everything in my pull box when I return to your shop.”
“…Why, certainly. Just so we’re clear, you’re asking me to give you…Everything.”
“Yes, Everything, that’s what I said. I want Everything.”
“Ooookay, you asked for it.
[CUT TO: ONE MONTH LATER]
“Hello, I’d like the contents of my pull box please.”
“Sure, here you go…just a couple comics in there, plus this one copy of Everything.”
“Ah, excellent. I look forward to reading this single issue of Everything. Thank you.”
[What? Were you expecting something else?]
p. 139 – Marvel Action Spider-Man #1:
A new year, a new first issue for no real good reason! Did IDW license that idea from Marvel too?
p. 147 – Afraid of Everything:
Well, great, now what am I supposed to name my autobiography?
p. 222 – House of Cerebus #1:
BEHOLD THE MIGHTY AND SPECIFIC MICROTARGETING MARKETING OF DAVE SIM…”so Mike liikes Cerebus and Swamp Thing? HOLD ON TO YOUR SHORTS”
p. 252 – Cat Shit One #1:
Just straight up putting the word “Shit” in Previews. Which is fine an’ all, whatever, but I when my book Man, Can You Belive Fuckin’ Comics, Am I Right? comes out, I expect equal treatment.
p. 278 – DC Super Heroes Can You Help Save the Day? Lift Flap Book:
“The Green Lantern John Stewart needs your help on the planet Xanshi…lift the flap and see what happens!”
p. 293 – Black Widow Little Golden Book:
Wow, comic “fans” have already tanked the review score on LittleGoldenBookReviews.my and it hasn’t even come out yet. I can’t figure out why that would be.
p. 294 – Garfield’s Guide to Digital Citizenship: Online Etiquette GN:
“I hate Mondays. Also, gay people, women, and most if not all minorities. You understand, Garfield?”
“Look, I was with you up to the ‘Mondays’ part. We…need to work on the rest of that.”
p. 337 – Betty Boop’s Guide to a Bold and Balanced Life HC:
First step…learning how to balance yourself when you’ve got this hideously oversized noggin you have to carry around.
p. M55 – Peanuts Snoopy Jumping Out of Cake Fiure:
“Bob, I don’t mind telling you…this is one weird as hell bachelor party.”
p. 60 – The Dark Crystal Essence Bottle Prop Replica:
Imagine the delight in your doctor’s face as you hand him or her your…sample in this charming item!
p. M62 – Pop! Ad Icons Chester Cheetah Vinyl Figure:
Look, just let me know when Funko gets around to their Pop Ad Icons figures of Fred and Barney enjoying a smoke:
p. M72 – Justice League Bust Series PX PVC Busts:
“Whatever you do, don’t mention the Justice League movie in the solicitation text.”
“But…but they’re clearly based on th–”
“Do. Not. Mention. It.”
“That’s obviously Gal G–”
“DO NOT.”
“But they’re literally called ‘Justice Leauge Busts.'”
“Let’s hope they think we’re talking about the comic.”
p. M92 – Ryo Male Swimsuit Body Figma Type 2:
At last, a little equal time here, to counter all the female PVC figurines offered through Previews with ladies in bikinis, skirts, or less. Now we just need dozens of these guy figures in each catalog, all posed for their prostate exams, to continue to redress the imbalance.
p. M94 – The Nun Valak Defo Real Soft Vinyl Statues:
So when the Warrior Nun Areala comics and associated action figures started coming out, word got around that some actual nuns found those amusing and purchased some for themselves to dispaly in their…secret nun headquarters or whatever. Now, people being people, I suspect there is a non-zero chance that at least one nun out there is going to want one of these busts for themselves. I mean, there’s gotta be one nun, right? …If there is, direct her to my store and I’ll order it for her.
p. M111 – Twin Peaks Music from Limited Event Series Double LP:
“Mike, look, just because you bought a new record player recently doesn’t mean you need every new vinyl LP that gets released. You have plenty of old records to listen to, so–”
“TOO LATE, ALREADY ORDERED”
“…Sigh.”
p. M113 – Star Wars Ceramic Mugs:
So they’re going to do mugs like this and not offer one based on Krelman? There is no justice.
p. M116 – Monopoly Avengers Edition Game:
Do not pass GO, do not collect two billion do–wait, you did what?
p. M116 – Monopoly Disney’s The Lion King Edition Game:
Do not pass GO, do not actually play this game, just stack it with the other specialty Monopoly games people have given you over the years just because they managed to put one out some customized edition that marginally aligns with one of your interests.
Marvel Previews p. 4 – Thor #1:
Remember the running gag in the intro pages to the Groo the Wanderer comics where Sergio kept trying to convince Mark that each issue of Groo should be a new “#1” to improve sales? …Oh, the prescience.
Marvel Previews p. 13 – Iron Man 2020 #1:
DC better get on the ball and revive this feature to counterprogram:
Marvel Previews p. 138 – Tales Through the Marvel Universe TP:
Coming soon: Tales Above the Marvel Universe, Tales Under the Marvel Universe, Tales on the Adult Shelf Kept Not Really Separate Enough from the Marvel Universe, Tales Just Down the Street from the Marvel Universe, You Gotta Hang a Left at the Trader Joes Then Go Another 100 Yards, Tales in the Exact Same Place as the Marvel Universe, Just Vibrating at a Different Frequency, Tales Put Away in Some Old Boxes Out in the Garage, Maybe Behind the Containers with the Old Encyclopedias We Need to Donate or Throw Out of the Marvel Universe, Tales That Are The Complete Opposite of the Marvel Universe (reprints of Freak Bros. comics), and of course Tales in Direct Competition with the Marvel Universe (reprints of DC Comics…shhhh, don’t tell Warner Brothers!).
STOP! Don’t pass up this End of Civilization entry! My LIFE depends on it! Is this the last stand of the March 2019 edition of Diamond Previews? Mike stakes his life on–YOU!
p. 71 – MCMLXXV TP:
Greatly anticipating the sequel MCMLXXVII.
p. 74 – Paradox Girl Vol. 1 TP:
“Mike, when is Paradox Girl coming out?”
“In two weeks.”
“Really?”
“In one week.”
“But you just said….”
“In half a week.”
“Um….”
“In one fourth of a week.”
“DAMMIT MIKE”
p. 116 – Minecraft Vol. 1 TP:
“Wow, we have to go to a second printing on the Minecraft comic! Send someone out to get more sugar cane!”
p. 120 – Disney’s Frankenstein Starring Donald Duck TP:
“No, no, Frankenstein is the duck, Frankenstein’s monster is….”
“Peg-Leg Pete?”
“No, it’s not h–anyway, look, we can’t call him ‘Peg-Leg’ anymore, it’s not very sensit–”
“Okay, Black Pete.”
“AH GEEZ”
p. 121 – Disney’s Dracula Starring Mickey Mouse TP:
Now this has me thinking about Disney’s Night of the Living Dead. “Gawrsh, they’re coming to get you, Minnie! AH-HYUK!”
p. 190 – Red Sonja and Vampirella Meet Betty and Veronica #1:
I was going to make some kind of gag about this, but there’s really not much to add, is there?
p. 286 – Archie’s Big Book Vol. 6 High School Yearbook:
“Dad, I need to pay for the new yearbook, can I have some cash?”
“Archie, we already have like eighty yearbooks, do we really need another?”
p. 288 – Fathom #1:
So Fathom gives in to the current hot trend of relaunching your series with a new number one. I mean, they’ve only done it [checks notes] at least seven times before.
p. 308 – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and the Freshmen Force: New Party Who Dis? One-Shot:
Well, sure, why not. …Anyway, where’s my President Taft comic book? “TAFT SMASH PUNY MONOPOLIES!” C’mon, someone get on this.
p. M42 – Captain Marvel Feature Fashion Doll:
Cue the onslaught of angry dudes on YouTube videos complaining how a lady Captain Marvel is ruining their beloved medium of fashion dolls.
p. M88 – Cell Phone Girl Elder Sister Mobile Phone Stands:
“Hey, where’d I put my phone? I need to tweet something.”
“Um, it’s right where you left it, Mr. President.”
p. M103 – Captain Marvel Empire Collection Toaster:
“And they’re ruined toasters now, too! Is there no end to their perfidy?”
“Well, look, surely the Rorschach Toaster did more to….”
“NO! THE RORSCHACH TOASTER IS A SAINT! A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF TRADITIONAL MALENESS”
DC Previews p. 6 – DCeased #1:
Look, DC, just put out a book called “DC Zombies.” You know that’s what you wanted to call Blackest Night. Anyway, Dave Sim kinda sorta beat you to this title.
Marvel Previews p. 4 – Savage Avengers #1:
If Conan’s back in the Marvel Universe, will it be long before this guy worrying about the yen versus the dollar is back, too?
GREAT SCOTT! It’s the End of Civilization, Marty! Hope into this DeLorean and we’ll travel back to February 2019 to try to stop it! We’ll use this copy of that month’s Diamond Previews that we found in a future comic book store/tattoo removal parlor to guide us along:
p. 50 – Little Girls TP:
Alas, no members of Oingo Boingo got back in time with any pull quotes for the cover.
p. 90 – Spawn #296:
Only four more issues to go before we can ratchet up the surprise from people shocked that Spawn is still coming out by adding on “yes, for over 300 issues now!”
p. 123 – Berserk Deluxe Edition Volume 2:
“Volume 2?” Oh, you mean Frenzy.
p. 132 – Star Trek Year 5 #1:
Revealing the tragic fates of Arex and M’Ress, which is why they don’t, like, help save the whales or search for Spock or anything.
p. 152 – TMNT Shredder in Hell #1 Director’s Cut:
Oh good, hopefully they’ll be restoring the scenes where he meets both Hellboy and Godzilla in hell.
p. 232 – Giant Super-Cerebus Annual #1:
C’mon, Dave, do these just long enough so that you eventually do a cover parody of House of Secrets #92. Look, “House of Cerebus,” I’ll let you have that for free. EDIT: Whoops! Dave beat me to it!
p. 291 – Star Wars Leia Organa Rebel Leader in a Box:
I had a joke for this but I’m holding it back because 1) I’m keeping people from um, actually-ing me with “Carrie was cremated,” and 2) a rare bit of taste.
p. 296 – The Worst Book Ever HC:
That’s a weird trade dress for the Purgatori collection.
p. M17 – Bruce Lee Minimates Series 1 Box Set:
“The many looks of Bruce Lee are on display here, as his Dojo, Clawed, Casual, and Completely Nude looks make up the four-pack.”
p. M117 – DC Heroes 5.5oz Scented Candle Tins:
You can light up the Harley Quinn candle to disguise that smell when you’re reading this comic:
p. M118 – DC Comics Batman Bat-Signal Kitchen Timer:
Surely some kind of Clock King timer would have been more fitting.
p. M118 – DC Heroes Batman Bat-Symbol Apron:
The Batman ’66 version of this apron just has a big “KISS!” sound effect printed on it.
Marvel Previews p. 100 – Star Wars Age of Rebellion Grand Moff Tarkin #1:
Here’s hoping Tarkin is a weird 3D CGI rendering in the comic while everything else is traditionally illustrated.
It’s a new year, which means all new signs of the End of Civilization that is surely coming soon, as foretold in that most mystical of tomes, the Diamond Previews catalog. Get out your copy of the January 2019 edition and follow along:
p. 85 – Hardcore #4:
Four issues in and still no George C. Scott.
p. 115 – William Gibson’s Alien 3 #5:
COMING SOON: Debbie Gibson’s ALIEN: Electric Xenomorph.
p. 122 – Hellboy The Art of the Motion Picture HC:
Phew, thank goodness they killed that previous underperforming series of del Toro Hellboy movies in favor of this billion-dollar blockbuster.
p. 135 – Disney Hamlet, Starring Donald Duck TP:
Oh for this to be animated, to hear Donald give the whole “To be or not to be” soliloquy in that voice, to see him fly into a rage as he’s killin’ folks. But I do hope in the comic that Yorick’s skull is Goofy’s.
p. 170 – Uncle Scrooge #43:
Boy, Dark Horse is doing Disney books, IDW is doing Disney comics, Fantagraphics has their Disney reprint series…Disney should really think about buying a comic book company.
p. 190 – The Six Million Dollar Man #1:
Someone at Dynamite looked into the feasibility of doing six miliion variant covers on this, I’m sure.
p. 304 – Star Wars Obi-Wan & Anakin A Choose Your Destiny Adventure SC:
“Ooh, yeah, maybe this time I’ll choose not to leap down at a guy holding a laser sword. Maybe that’ll work out better.”
p. 433 – Mister Miracle Escape God World Tour T-Shirt:
Thought this was some sort of pro-atheist slogan shirt at first.
p. M16 – Legends in 3D Movie Jack Sparrow Half-Scale Resin Bust:
Relive your enjoyment of the one and only Pirates of the Caribbean movie with this handsome piece…hmm? Yes, the only movie, that’s correct.
p. M124 – Star Wars Authentic Blind Autographed Photo Box:
But won’t the autographs be all crooked and sloppy? Because, you know, they can’t see what they’re…look, I took a month off from these, I’m still a bit rusty.
DC Previews p. 4 – Detective Comics #1000:
Okay, like Action #1000…does this include the #0 issue and the #1,000,000 issue? Because it’d be, like, #1002, right? I swear, this is the whole “the 21st century starts on January 1st, 2001” thing again.
DC Previews p. 12 – Second Coming #1:
“Witness the return of Jesus Christ, as He is sent on a most holy mission by God to learn what it takes to be the true messiah of mankind by becoming roommates with the world’s favorite savior: the all-powerful super hero Sun-Man, the Last Son of Krispex! But when Christ returns to Earth, he’s shocked to discover what has become of his gospel-and now, he aims to set the record straight.”
Okay, now can we get that Rick Veitch “Swamp Thing Meets Jesus” story in print already?
DC Previews p. 15 – American Carnage #5:
Enjoying this counterpoint to Marvel’s Commie pinko Carnage comics.
DC Previews p. 41 – Mad Magazine #7:
Please please please let this be bound into the magazine like the Mad comic reprints were in the old Mad Specials so that they’re nigh-impossible to remove without wrecking everything. Let a new generation suffer as we did.
DC Previews p. 77 – Zero Hour 25th Anniversary Omnibus:
Yes, it’s been 25 years of DC not fixing what they broke right after Crisis. I was going to make a joke about “oh I’m so old, this was so long ago, the grave looms before me” but I’m pretty sure I’ve been rebooted at some point, so I’m okay.
Marvel Previews p. 27 – Cosmic Ghost Rider Destroys Marvel History #1:
Revealed at last, the reason marvel forgot Kirby even existed for most the 1980s.
Marvel Previews p. 42 – Incredible Hulk #181 Facsimile Edition:
Hopefully half of these will have the Marvel Value Stamp cut out for true authenticity.
Marvel Previews p. 61 – Old Man Quill #1:
Clearly the counter to this trend of “Old Man [Character]” comics is, like, “Young Man Vulture” or something. (Well, I guess Trouble was basically “Young Woman Aunt May.” Remember Trouble? You really shouldn’t.)
Marvel Previews p. 98 – Color Your Own Avengers 2:
I don’t know about this rebranding of Marvel’s “Essentials” line.
Neither sleet nor snow nor, um, minor fender-bender will keep me from fulfilling my End of Civilization duties! Run out and buy yourself a copy of the November 2018 edition of Previews, while being very careful when backing your car out of the driveway, so you can follow along with me:
p. 92 – Avatar Tsu’Tey’s Path #1:
Oh, these characters had names?
p. 114 – Disney Don Quixote, Starring Goofy and Mickey Mouse TP:
I can’t wait for Disney Terry Gilliam’s movie of this!
p. 170 – Swamp Monsters:
Ah, a new release from the Specifically for Mike Sterling Publishing Company.
p. 171 – Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency Everything Is Connected & The X-Files Conspiracy Theory Everything Is Connected:
I did a little…well, very little…research, and as far as I can tell, the two games aren’t connected to each other. No Dirk Gently aggravating the Cigarette-Smoking Man here, which would be a darn shame.
p. 306 – Star Trek I Am Mr. Spock Little Golden Book:
Market testing revealed that the Little Golden Book based on I Am Not Spock was too upsetting.
p. 331 – Sartre HC:
“There’s no exit from the greatness of this comic! Why, I feel nausea at how unprepared I was for how good it was. Anyone of the age of reason should love this!”
“Okay, Mike, that’s enough reviewing for you.”
“C’mon, can’t I have the reprieve I deserve?”
p. M22 – DC Comic Gallery Dark Nights Metal Drowned PVC Diorama:
Repurposing those old Kryptonite Pet Rocks as statue bases, I see:
p. M48 – Harry Potter Die Cast Wands Series 1:
Look, I read all the books, saw all the movies, and if you put a gun to my head, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you which wand belonged to whom. …This is getting dangerously close to me, a collector and seller of comic books, saying fans of something else are too…whatever, so I’d better stop now.
p. M49 – The Nun 18-Inch Rotocast Plush Doll:
So when Warrior Nun Areala was a thing back in the ’90s, we would have the occasional purchase of a copy of the comic or action figure for…or even sometimes by…a nun, who would be amused by the very idea.
Just saying I’m not seeing history happen again, here.
p. M50 – Living Dead Dolls Friday the 13th Part II Jason Voorhees Doll with Sound:
KI KI KI “Math is hard!” MA MA MA
p. M68 – Pop! Rocks Metallica Lady Justice Vinyl Figure:
Looking forward to the Throbbing Gristle “Hamburger Lady” Pop.
p. M72 – Halloween Michael Myers Bishoujo Statue:
Okay, add my name to the petition for the sexy girl version of Belial from Basket Case.
p. M99 – Garfield 1000% Be@rbrick:
I can’t even say anything about it. Just look at it. Just look at its tail. And this is 1000% of whatever it is. JUST BEHOLD ITS GLORY AND ITS HORROR
p. M115 – IT 3-Piece Lapel Pin Set:
What kind of terrible rebus is this, anyway?
p. M116 – Justice League PVC Bust Banks:
Just in time to build anticipation for Justice League 2!
p. M124 – Star Trek Discovery Black Badge:
“Wait, what department are you in again?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m black on the right side. All of those lower ranks are black on the left side.”
p. M131 – Monopoly Fortnite Edition Game:
Do not pass GO, do not play those ding-dang video games that all you kids waste your time on, I don’t even know what the heck this Fortcraft thing is anyway.”
p. M132 -Star Trek Fluxx:
I bet Kirk would be really good at this g–ooooh, you said “fluxx.”
p. DC80 – The DC Universe by Len Wein HC:
Finally, issues #27-#29 of DC Comics Presents, containing the entire story that introduced Mongul, under one cover and hopefully unedited/free of production errors! You know, unlike the previous Superman trade paperback that only had parts one and two, and the UK hardcover that altered some of the caption boxes and, um, left out God’s Word.
‘Course, maybe this book will have the pages of the story printed upside down, or with the colors reversed…something. SUCH IS THE CURSE OF MONGUL.
Back to wear out its welcome for another month, it’s The End of Civilization, where we (you and me, I’m not takin’ the fall alone) plow through each new edition of Diamond Previews and note things of, um, note. So, grab your physical and/or digital copy of the October 2018 release and follow along:
p. 40 – Die #1:
Now we need a title called Die Die to fill the gap between Die and Die! Die! Die!…and then we can move foward to Die Die Die Die, or perhaps backwards to ” ”
p. 44 – Prodigy #1:
Yes, I was going to make a joke like “THIS ISSUE: VERSUS THE MENACE OF COMPUSERVE!” but that’s probably 1) super obvious, and 2) makes me seem really, really old.
p. 84 – Savage Dragon #241:
Not making fun…just saying Erik Larsen deserves a Nobel Prize for returning Captain Tootsie to the world of funnybooks. God bless that man.
p. 132 – Marvel Action Spider-Man #2:
You know, with IDW publishing “kid-friend” Marvel Comics (and really, just think about that idea for a second), I wonder if DC put in a bid to publish any of Marvel’s characters. Like, what’s Marvel doing with the U-Foes right now? Nuttin’, that’s what. They’d probably make good villains for the Terrifics. Anyway, that’d certainly be a turnaround on the old “Marvel Buys DC” rumors you used to hear.
p. 151 – Rick and Morty Dungeons & Dragons #4:
Now that that’s done, maybe we can get that Rick and Morty: TWERPS comic book/RPG crossover I’ve been waiting for.
p. 206 – Wizard Beach #1:
“Yer a surfer now, Harry!”
…Look, that’s all I got.
p. 259 – Barack Panther Vs. Tremendous Trump:
Oh sure, they fight at first, but then they join forces to defeat the combined menace of the Titanic Taft and the old hickory fists of Andrew Jackson.
p. 302 – Science Comics Polar Bears:
Foreword by noted superhero and polar bear fan Frank Cast–
–ooh, never mind.
p. M36 – Alien Xenomorph Foam Replica Wall Mounted Bust:
Finally, something a lot newer and slightly more phallic to replace that musty old portrait of Great Greandfather hanging over the mantle.
p. M38 – Batman Knight Missions Voice Changer Mask:
Changes your voice to Pee Wee Herman’s, oddly enough. Who would have guessed? “The Joker? AAAAARGH” “C’MON, PLAY RIGHT”
p. M41 – World of Miss Mindy The Little Mermaid Ariel 7-inch Vinyl Figure:
She was once a little red slab of clay
Mer-maid!
p. M50 – Golden Girls 8-inch Retro Action Figures:
“Well, sure, now that I have action figures of the world’s greatest superteam, who am I going to have them fight?”
p. M50 – Halloween Ultimate Michael Myers 7-inch Action Figure:
“Oh, well, of course.”
p. M52 – Nerf Infinus Blaster:
For only $78.99, show your enemies the true meaning of fear with the Infinus Blaster, Nerf’s deadliest and most terrifying weapon.
p. M52 – Nerf Rival Hades XVIII 6000 Blaster:
Hold on there…for only a buck more, you can get your hands around the grips of the Hades XVIII 6000. Send those wretched scum directly into the gaping maw of hell with Nerf’s greatest achievment in projectile tech.
p. M52 – Nerf Rival Prometheus MXVIII 20 Blaster:
…Well, greatest aside from the $229.99 Prometheus MXVIII 20…shatter the very planets themselves with the fearsome ultimate power of this magnificent device. Surely just over $200 is a small price to pay to be like unto a god.
p. M54 – Star Wars Collectors Gallery Han Solo Carbonite Statue:
Well, I guess you could settle for this 1/8 scale version…if you’re too much of a coward to get that 1/1 scale edition. C’mon, what are you…chicken?
p. M89 – Grendizer Gedo Gedo 16-inch Vinyl Figure:
Man, Pickle Rick merchandise is just getting more and more weird.
p. M108 – Alien Xenomorph Hardcover Journal:
“So what’cha writing in your Alien Xenomorph journal, Mike?”
“NOTHING, SHUT UP” [quickly covers page where “Mrs. Mike Xenomorph” is written repeatedly]
p. M113 – The Goonies One-Eyed Willie Hardcover Journal:
“What’s that you got there?”
“My One-Eyed Willie journal!”
“Oh. Um, okay, I guess it’s neat that you log every time you masturbate.”
p. M119 – Star Trek The Original Series Tribble Plush Keychain:
“What can we do with these novelty replica cat hairballs? That sure flopped.”
“Hold on, I have an idea!”
p. M127 – Hellboy The Board Game:
“Go to hell. Go straight to hell. Do not pass GO….”
“Um, Mike, this isn’t Monopoly.”
“I DON’T CARE, I LIKE THIS JOKE.”
p. M128 – Ren and Stimpy Monopoly Board Game:
Do not pass, like, say, the mid-1990s. Really, stay in the early ’90s, don’t go any further.
