Progressive Ruin fails to read the room and presents…the End of Civilization anyway.

§ July 29th, 2020 § Filed under End of Civilization § 15 Comments

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! It appears Ends of Civilization are all the rage right now, so who am I to deny a trend? So get out your copy of the August 2020 Diamond Previews and download your copy of the latest DC Connect catalog, put on your mask and rubber gloves, and follow along:

p. 36 – Scumbag #1:


I GAVE NO PERMISSION FOR THIS BIOGRAPHY
 
 
p. 40 – The Walking Dead Deluxe #1:


More like The Walking Red, amirite? Because of all the blood? Anyone? …Look, I havent done this in a while, I’m a little rusty.
 
 
p. 42 – Commanders in Crisis & p. 46 – Blue in Green OGN:


Leading into the Commanders in Green and Blue in Crisis crossover event, of course.
 
 
p. 60 – Big Girls #3:


Three solicitations in, no sign of crying. Well done.
 
 
p. 66 – Fire Power #4:


Look, I’m sorry, but I’m going to wait for the black and white Fire Power Deluxe series a few years down the road.
 
 
p. 106 – Transformers/Back to the Future #1:


Just imagining a wasted Transformer that can turn into a DeLorean.
 
 
p. 131 – Godzilla History’s Greatest Monster TPB:


Finally someone’s taken the burden of this title from me.
 
 
p. 156-7 – Dynamite Neck Gaiters:


Ooh, I don’t know that Dynamite should really be calling anything a name that sounds like “gaters” right now.
 
 
p. 178 – Dune House Atreides #1 (of 12):


Only twelve issues? What, are there 40 panels per page?
 
 
p. 182 – Brzrkr #1:


Friends, we are reaching a critical shortage of ways to spell “Berserker.” Please, conserve your berserking and only use it when absolutely necessary.

No, I’m not going for a Keanu Reeves joke.
 
 
p. 209 – Vault of Cerebus #1:


I’ve somehow accrued three dozen of these Cerebus webstrip reprints and have only managed to read, what, three? Four? Most of the covers are pretty fun, anyway…well, okay, not that one. You know which one.
 
 
p. 210 – X-Men The Art & Making of the Animated Series HC:


“Well, we looked at what the animated Batman series was doing, and we did the exact opposite.”
 
 
p. 233 – Dilbert: Eagerly Awaiting Your Irrational Response TP:


Sometimes, honestly, I don’t need to write the joke.
 
 
p. 241 – Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Presents Madam Satan #1:


Gonna say this is the second least-likely thing I’d ever expected to see under the Archie banner (behind that scene of Reggie masturbating, of course).
 
 
p. 253 – Grendel, Kentucky #2:


[EASY JOKE IN 3…2…]

Boy, that Hunter Rose sure gets around.

[EASY JOKE COMPLETED. RETURN TO YOUR HOMES.]
 
 
p. 260 – DC Christmas Carols We Wish You A Harley Christmas HC:


There is only one DC Comics-related Christmas Carol that must be in this book. You know which one. Oh, yes you certainly do. YOU’RE SINGING IT IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW
 
 
p. 289 – Gremlins Gizmo’s 12 Days of Christmas Board Book:


For the love of God, keep him away from the seven swans a’swimming.
 
 
p. 289 – Harry Potter Coloring Wizardry SC:


“What color is a TERF? …Oh, wait, never mind.” [reaches for a white crayon]
 
 
p. M13 – Star Wars The Mandalorian Child in Chair 1/2 Scale Statue:


“…The mysterious alien character known only as The Child….” reads an ad elsewhere in Previews. NICE TRY, AD COPY WRITING GUY.
 
 
p. M51 – Chilly Willy Vinyl Soda Figure:


“Hi! I’m barely remembered!”
 
 
p. M86 – The Batman Who Laughs Rising Board Game:


Is the goal of the game to make the other players sick of seeing the Batman Who Laughs?
 
 
p. M86 – Elf Monopoly:


Do not pass GO, do not ever open this and play with it, like all those other novelty Monopoly sets people have given you because you once expressed interest in a thing. …That said, if they ever do Frank Miller’s The Spirit Monopoly, well, you know who you can put on your gift list.
 
 
DC Connect p. 15 – Rorschach #1:


Not quite the Rorschach Team-Up comic I’ve been waiting for, but we’re getting there.
 
 
DC Connect p. 73 – Batman Three Jokers HC:


please please please don’t have variant covers please

…Though I see they’re mimicking the logo from The Killing Joke, so if they go back to press on this that’s changing colors like they did with the KJ reprints, almost certainly.
 
 
DC Connect p. 87 – Y The Last Man Compendium Vol. 1:


“Soon” doing a lot of heavy lifting, there.
 
 
Marvel Previews p. 26 – Ultraman #2:


Ah, making the ol’ editor-in-chief feel right at home, I see.

15 Responses to “Progressive Ruin fails to read the room and presents…the End of Civilization anyway.”

  • Rich Handley says:

    I immediately thought of the “gaters” joke before reading your commentary on Diamond. :)

  • Turan, Emissary of the Fly World says:

    Here is your bit of comics trivia for the day: Madam Satan is the feature that was bumped from PEP COMICS to make room for Archie.

    I was unaware that she had been brought back. Does she want revenge on Archie for this?

  • Rob says:

    “I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway.” – Crow T. Robot

  • Turan, Emissary of the Fly World says:

    If characters from the early issues of PEP COMICS are being brought back, allow me to cast a vote for Fu Chang, International Detective. Obviously, that was a name meant to suggest both Fu Manchu and Charlie Chan, but actually this was a series about a man who fought crime with the aid of a magical chess set, whose pieces would come to life. The chess set was supposedly an ancient one, but which was odd given that one of the figures was a miniature version of Charles Lindbergh.

  • King of the Moon says:

    this made my week

  • Ca says:

    That JKR joke was just….*chef’s kiss*

  • Adam Farrar says:

    Fire Power! The #1 comic about lighting farts on fire.

  • Oh God, what if they DO release a recolored version of Three Jokers. Congrats, Mike, congrats on envisioning the worst case scenario humanly possible

  • Rob Staeger says:

    That Chilly Willy joke. How DARE you, sir? HOW. DARE. YOU.

  • Nate A. says:

    You haven’t lost a step. Bravo!

  • philfromgermany says:

    Item 1: Atom Bomb cover
    Item 2: Mike’s joke bombs!
    Amirite? Anyone?

  • Casie says:

    So much funny and truth in that Chilly Willy joke. :)

  • Robcat says:

    Best joke: gaiters.
    Runner up: Dune!

    How I’ve missed the EoC! Well done!

  • ExistentialMan says:

    Curse you Mike Sterling! Now I really do have THAT DC Christmas Carol stuck in my brain.

  • Snark Shark says:

    “BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND”

    I DEMANDED IT!

    “Most of the covers are pretty fun, anyway…well, okay, not that one. You know which one.”

    I actually DON’T know!

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