Mike Sterling's Progressive RuinAlone, unmourned, and unloved since 1969

Progressive Ruin presents…the startling return of the End of Civilization.

§ November 1st, 2019 § Filed under End of Civilization § 11 Comments

BOO! Here it is, returned at last, on the scariest night of the y–oh, wait, it’s November 1st. Gosh darn it. Well, here it is anyway, aften months on the backburner, the new End of Civilization! Get out your copy of the Diamond Previews catalog, the November 2019 edition, and follow along while I try to remember how to do this:

Previews cover:

“Celebrating the 21st anniversary of Shadowman’s death!”

…yeah, that’s right, that’s some Unity humor right there.
 
 
p. 44 – The Clock #1:

The prequel to Doomsday Clock, before, you know, everyone thought they were doomed an’ stuff.
 
 
p. 50 – The Complete Witchblade Vol. 1:

Look, if this is gonna be complete, it”ll have to reprint this:

Sorry, that’s just the law, it’s out of my hands.
 
 
p. 74 – Project X #2:

“…Mark Millar and Netflix teamed up to give you the perfect Christmas gift-the sequel to one of the most beloved Millarworld projects since the dawn of time.”

I had no idea Superman Adventures was a Millarworld thing.
 
 
p. 82 – Frankenstein Undone #1:

Just page after page of folks telling the monster his zipper’s down.
 
 
p. 100 – The Mask: I Pledge Allegiace to the Mask #4:

Finally, this shameful series is over! Surely there’s no way the public could tolerate someone making a mockery of the American Presidency like this!
 
 
p. 102 – Everything #5:

“I’d like to add Everything to my pull list, please.”

“Oh, so you’d like…Everything, you say?”

“Yes, please get me Everything. I want to see Everything in my pull box when I return to your shop.”

“…Why, certainly. Just so we’re clear, you’re asking me to give you…Everything.”

“Yes, Everything, that’s what I said. I want Everything.”

“Ooookay, you asked for it.

[CUT TO: ONE MONTH LATER]

“Hello, I’d like the contents of my pull box please.”

“Sure, here you go…just a couple comics in there, plus this one copy of Everything.”

“Ah, excellent. I look forward to reading this single issue of Everything. Thank you.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
[What? Were you expecting something else?]
 
 
p. 139 – Marvel Action Spider-Man #1:

A new year, a new first issue for no real good reason! Did IDW license that idea from Marvel too?
 
 
p. 147 – Afraid of Everything:

Well, great, now what am I supposed to name my autobiography?
 
 
p. 222 – House of Cerebus #1:

BEHOLD THE MIGHTY AND SPECIFIC MICROTARGETING MARKETING OF DAVE SIM…”so Mike liikes Cerebus and Swamp Thing? HOLD ON TO YOUR SHORTS”
 
 
p. 252 – Cat Shit One #1:

Just straight up putting the word “Shit” in Previews. Which is fine an’ all, whatever, but I when my book Man, Can You Belive Fuckin’ Comics, Am I Right? comes out, I expect equal treatment.
 
 
p. 278 – DC Super Heroes Can You Help Save the Day? Lift Flap Book:

“The Green Lantern John Stewart needs your help on the planet Xanshi…lift the flap and see what happens!”
 
 
p. 293 – Black Widow Little Golden Book:

Wow, comic “fans” have already tanked the review score on LittleGoldenBookReviews.my and it hasn’t even come out yet. I can’t figure out why that would be.
 
 
p. 294 – Garfield’s Guide to Digital Citizenship: Online Etiquette GN:

“I hate Mondays. Also, gay people, women, and most if not all minorities. You understand, Garfield?”

“Look, I was with you up to the ‘Mondays’ part. We…need to work on the rest of that.”
 
 
p. 337 – Betty Boop’s Guide to a Bold and Balanced Life HC:

First step…learning how to balance yourself when you’ve got this hideously oversized noggin you have to carry around.
 
 
p. M55 – Peanuts Snoopy Jumping Out of Cake Fiure:

“Bob, I don’t mind telling you…this is one weird as hell bachelor party.”
 
 
p. 60 – The Dark Crystal Essence Bottle Prop Replica:

Imagine the delight in your doctor’s face as you hand him or her your…sample in this charming item!
 
 
p. M62 – Pop! Ad Icons Chester Cheetah Vinyl Figure:

Look, just let me know when Funko gets around to their Pop Ad Icons figures of Fred and Barney enjoying a smoke:

 
 
p. M72 – Justice League Bust Series PX PVC Busts:

“Whatever you do, don’t mention the Justice League movie in the solicitation text.”

“But…but they’re clearly based on th–”

“Do. Not. Mention. It.”

“That’s obviously Gal G–”

“DO NOT.”

“But they’re literally called ‘Justice Leauge Busts.'”

“Let’s hope they think we’re talking about the comic.”
 
 
p. M92 – Ryo Male Swimsuit Body Figma Type 2:

At last, a little equal time here, to counter all the female PVC figurines offered through Previews with ladies in bikinis, skirts, or less. Now we just need dozens of these guy figures in each catalog, all posed for their prostate exams, to continue to redress the imbalance.
 
 
p. M94 – The Nun Valak Defo Real Soft Vinyl Statues:

So when the Warrior Nun Areala comics and associated action figures started coming out, word got around that some actual nuns found those amusing and purchased some for themselves to dispaly in their…secret nun headquarters or whatever. Now, people being people, I suspect there is a non-zero chance that at least one nun out there is going to want one of these busts for themselves. I mean, there’s gotta be one nun, right? …If there is, direct her to my store and I’ll order it for her.
 
 
p. M111 – Twin Peaks Music from Limited Event Series Double LP:

“Mike, look, just because you bought a new record player recently doesn’t mean you need every new vinyl LP that gets released. You have plenty of old records to listen to, so–”

“TOO LATE, ALREADY ORDERED”

“…Sigh.”
 
 
p. M113 – Star Wars Ceramic Mugs:

So they’re going to do mugs like this and not offer one based on Krelman? There is no justice.
 
 
p. M116 – Monopoly Avengers Edition Game:

Do not pass GO, do not collect two billion do–wait, you did what?
 
 
p. M116 – Monopoly Disney’s The Lion King Edition Game:

Do not pass GO, do not actually play this game, just stack it with the other specialty Monopoly games people have given you over the years just because they managed to put one out some customized edition that marginally aligns with one of your interests.
 
 
Marvel Previews p. 4 – Thor #1:

Remember the running gag in the intro pages to the Groo the Wanderer comics where Sergio kept trying to convince Mark that each issue of Groo should be a new “#1” to improve sales? …Oh, the prescience.
 
 
Marvel Previews p. 13 – Iron Man 2020 #1:

DC better get on the ball and revive this feature to counterprogram:

 
 
Marvel Previews p. 138 – Tales Through the Marvel Universe TP:

Coming soon: Tales Above the Marvel Universe, Tales Under the Marvel Universe, Tales on the Adult Shelf Kept Not Really Separate Enough from the Marvel Universe, Tales Just Down the Street from the Marvel Universe, You Gotta Hang a Left at the Trader Joes Then Go Another 100 Yards, Tales in the Exact Same Place as the Marvel Universe, Just Vibrating at a Different Frequency, Tales Put Away in Some Old Boxes Out in the Garage, Maybe Behind the Containers with the Old Encyclopedias We Need to Donate or Throw Out of the Marvel Universe, Tales That Are The Complete Opposite of the Marvel Universe (reprints of Freak Bros. comics), and of course Tales in Direct Competition with the Marvel Universe (reprints of DC Comics…shhhh, don’t tell Warner Brothers!).