The End of Civilization is postponed ’til tomorrow.
Sorry, gang…other stuff got in the way. I’m a bad, bad blogger who needs to be punished.
Er, anyway.
See you tomorrow.
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Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! It’s time once again for the gift that keeps on giving, no matter how much you’d like it to stop…the End of Civilization, as brought to us by the monthly arrival of the new Diamond Previews! Grab your copy of the July 2013 issue and follow along…and keep in mind, my Iceman joke could have been a lot more awful:
p. 30 – The Star Wars #1:
Yes, it’s an actual adaptation of George Lucas’s original…outline? Rough draft? Bar napkins? for what we would come to know and love as The Movie Series That Would Eventually Bring Us Jar Jar Binks, only this time starring Idealized Version of George Lucas as Himself, and, um…
…Swamp Thing, apparently, as pointed out to me by a few Internet pals.
Clearly this blazes an important trail for future Dark Horse projects along these lines, such as Billie The Vampire Kicker, The Horrible Ambulatory-Penis Alien Monsters, and Conan the Fellow with Simply Barbaric Table Manners.
p. 44 – Kiss Me, Satan #1:
Ew, gross, Satan’s breath smells like stale cigarettes and his tongue is, like, everywhere. …Don’t ask how I know.
p. 69 – Marvel Classic Character X-Men #5 – Iceman:
Made entirely of that stuff you find inside Twinkies. Lick your Iceman today!
p. 71 – DC Villains Month:
As noted before, trying to order DC’s books for this month will almost certainly kill me. So it’s not just the End of Civilization this time, kids…it’s the End of Your Pal Mike. So long, everyone! Thanks for reading!
p. 141 – The New 52 Swamp Thing Deluxe Action Figure:
Yeah, yeah, you’ve got my money, DC. But wait, what’s this?
Okay, I’m skipping all that Villains Month nonsense and using the money to order boatloads of these just to make sure I get one. “Allocated,” my ass.
p. 178 – Sex Criminals #1:
I like this strategy of Image’s to throw the word “sex” into the titles of their new series. Maybe they can go back and do the same with some previous series, to perk up flagging sales a bit. Sex Projects. East of Sex. Sex Grand. Sex Dragon. Sex Hunters. Skullsexers. Cyber Sex. Sex Tank. No-sex Men…ooh, no, scratch that one.
p. 233 – Gorn on the Bayou T-Shirt:
Man, I don’t even know.
p. 246 – Afterlife with Archie #1:
“Archie Zombies,” everyone. I’m surprisingly amused by this, though this particular variant cover:
…is a bit alarming. HOT DOG, NO
Am also looking forward to Breaking Archie, with Mr. Flutesnoot recruiting bad boy Reggie to help build his drug-dealing empire.
p. 255 – God Is Dead #1:
On the one hand, it’s an Avatar cover with no one being disemboweled or otherwise tortured, for once. On the other hand…well, that’s gonna get some looks, regardless.
p. 373 – The Official DC Super Hero Cookbook HC:
The Swamp Thing garden salad is surprisingly easy to make. The Ocean Master’s Fugu Surprise, not so much.
p. 374 – DC Super Heroes: Batman – Bat-Mite’s Big Blunder TP:
“Hee hee, Batman! I restarted all of DC’s superhero titles, including a whole bunch that star you, and took away Superman’s red trunks so he’d look silly and everyone would like you more! Aren’t you happy?”
“Oh, Bat-Mite…!”
p. 395 – Sons of Anarchy “R.I.P. Opie” Black T-Shirt:
I knew Opie was chafing under Sheriff Andy’s paternalistic care, but I never thought it would come to this. NOT THIS
p. 396 – Star Wars “I’m Not Sorry” Black T-Shirt:
p. 413 – Marvel Infinity Gauntlet Bottle Opener:
Yeah, fine, that’s all well and good, but what we need is an actual Infinity Gauntlet glove. No, not like that high-end “prop” that may or may not have been wearable and cost hundreds of dollars. I mean, like, a mass-market thing (or as mass-market as the direct comics market can manage) – something relatively inexpensive and readily available for fans across the world to wear, each and every day, at home and work, on dates and to church, declaring to the world around them that yes, we, the comic fans of America and lands abroad, love wearing single gloves with colored plastic jewels on them that the general public will eventually recognize as something from Marvel Comics if and when it puts in an appearance in The Avengers 2.
p. 419 – Axe Cop Avocado Solider 8-Inch Plush and Wexter 12-Inch Plush:
Toys based on the comic book written by a five-year-old and drawn by his 29-year-old brother…makes me wish someone would make a stuffed doll out of my five-year-old self’s drawings:
You know you’d buy one.
p. 444 – DC Comics Shazam New 52 ArtFX+ Statue:
Not to be disrespectful or anything…but do you think C.C. Beck’s body has ever stopped spinning since being put in its grave?
p. 458 – Star Wars Jabba the Hutt 12-Inch Talking Plush:
Only 12 inches? PFFFFT. Call me when you get to 1/1 scale, baby…I’ve got a living room to fill.
p. 458 – Star Wars Yoda Super Deluxe 24-Inch Talking Plush:
WARNING: Do not hollow out and use as children’s Halloween costume. Also, don’t do…things with it, you weirdos.
p. 476 – Stan Lee Signature Cologne for Men:
Moustache not included. BUT IT SHOULD BE.
p. 492 – My Little Pony Equestria Girls:
So a while back on this site, I talked about a series of videotapes released by a certain indie comics publisher that featured girls in superhero outfits fighting each other, and when I made reference to this as essentially a fetish video, I received an impassioned response from said publisher that nothing could be farther from the truth, there’s no way videos of girls in costumes fighting each other could be construed as any kind of fetish thing.
Just came to mind, for some reason.
p. 497 – Swamp Thing Blu-Ray:
Finally, I can see each fold and zipper in every rubbery suit with the clarity I deserve. …Speaking of fetish videos.
Marvel Previews p. 8 – Infinity #3 Lego Variant:
Oh for God’s sake, yet another new kind of variant cover, but, um, well, it’s kind of cute NO STOP you know I guess it’s okay SMITE HIM
Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Hey there, crazy kids and kool kats! Here’s another dollop of dorkiness from the pages of your favorite comic book catalog, Diamond Previews…grab your copy of the June 2013 edition, and do try to keep up…!
p. 87 – Action Comics #23:
“…In the backup story, Joer-El and Lara try to save the Science Council from the colonel who seeks to make all of Krypton kneel before him!”
If you’re not yet tired to “kneel before me!” call-backs to Superman II…you will be. You will be.
p. 148-9 – T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1:
Surely this will be the revival of a nearly-forgotten decades-old com…wait. Hold on. This feels familiar.
Oh, yeah, right.
p. 171 – Star Trek #24:
Guys, c’mon, seriously. WHY IS THAT THE VARIANT COVER, and not the regular, easily-available-and-purchasable cover? Are you afraid of money?
p. 229 – Night of the ’80s Undead #2:
Not to be confused with…
p. 230 – Rogues #5:
Not to be confused with….
p. 232 – Detroit Lion-Os T-Shirt:
Well, I’m certain the NFL will have a fine sense of humor about this. They’re an easy-going bunch of guys.
p. 246 – Betty & Veronica #267:
In this issue, Archie learns about the genital papilla, much to his dismay.
p. 387 – Star Wars Lightsaber Thumb Wrestling:
“Enact your favorite lightsaber battles from all six Star Wars films! Simply attach the two plastic lightsabers – one blue and one red – to dueling thumbs with Velcro…”
what
“…and enact your favorite battle scenes. Each of the seven spreads acts as a ‘game board,’ or a stage for battle.”
WHAT
Also, presumably unrelated to this.
p. 395 – My Little Pony “Team Pony” Silver T-Shirt:
If only Catherine the Great was still around to enjoy all these fine “Team Pony” products.
p. 404 – My Little Pony “Big Face Dash” Juniors Tunic Tank T-Shirt:
I searched and searched for an online video of that Kirstie Alley Saturday Night Live sketch where the lady aliens explain that their eyes ended up on their breasts via evolutionary pressure from their men always looking there instead of at their faces, but no dice, so here’s a still and a cast list from the sketch instead.
Just came to mind for some reason.
p. 423 – Marvel Labbit:
So now they’re just straight up manufacturing toys based directly on my nightmares. That’s good to know.
p. 445 – Rocky Championship Belt Replica:
“The most iconic and instantly recognizable collectible from the Rocky movies, this intricately detailed Championship belt is accurate to the one seen throughout the Rocky series. Made from heavyweight cast metal with a high quality gold plated finish, genuine leather and layers of ruffled satin, just like the original! The four metal picture frames feature images of the various champions in Rocky movie history – Clubber Lang, Apollo Creed, Ivan Drago, and, of course, Rocky Balboa. This beautifully crafted replica has been crafted with pride from the finest materials available, and is a faithful copy of the original Prop that will be the centerpiece of anyone’s Rocky collection.”
Okay, I was with you up until “anyone’s Rocky collection.” I have a hard time believing anyone whose name doesn’t rhyme with Mylvester Mallone has a Rocky collection.
p. 447 – Frankenstein VFX 1/1-Scale Bust:
“No, Frankie, no…the iPod buds go in your ears.”
p. 463 – Star Trek Mister Spock Maxi-Bust:
Hey, remember that time a penguin accidentally got beamed up with Mr. Spock and their molecules got all mixed up and so for the rest of the episode the crew had to deal with Mr. Spenguin?
ALTERNATE JOKE: This close to being a piece of Bloom County merchandise.
p. 464 – Star Trek Captain Kirk Tinned Candies:
“Each Tribble-shaped candy tastes just like confident swagger and limitless charm.”
p. 466 – Senran Kagura Hibari “Sukumizu Version” PVC Figure:
“…From the popular Senran Kagura video game….” Hmmm, wonder why it was so popular?
p. 484 – Iron Man 3 Iron Man Mark 42 Adult Helmet:
“Hey, this mask is pretty neat, and it opens up, too…OH GOD THERE’S A HUMAN HEAD INSIDE, CALL 911”
p. 492 – Words with Zombies Previews Exclusive Magnet Set:
Not all that different from the Words with Sex Magnet Set.
…What? You don’t shout “BRRRAAIINNSSSSS” when…um. Okay. Forget I said anything.
Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Well, saddle up, pardner, as it’s time to lasso up some new, um, stuff out of this…okay, I’ve already lost the thread on the whole cowboy intro thing, so let’s just get cracking on what awaits us in the newest Diamond Previews, May 2013 edition. Grab your copy and follow along:
p. 128 – Batman ’66 #1:
Okay, this doesn’t really represent the End of Civilization, since this is absolutely fantastic, but I am pretty sure Hell has frozen over.
p. 135 – Batman The Court of Owls Book and Mask Set:
Okay, that’s all well and good, but honestly, DC, where’s your Justice League Versus Starro Book and Mask Set?
I mean COME ON.
p. 133 – Batman Vol. 3 Death of the Family HC:
Okay, I’m presenting this one a little out of order just to emphasize how lucky we were this particular storyline didn’t come out as a book and mask set.
p. 153 – Superman & Wonder Woman “The Kiss” Statue:
Hey, remember that time Supes and Wonder Woman were shrunk down by Brainiac and they shared a smooch on top of a “giant” pile of popcorn? Man, this New 52 sure is somethin’.
p. 157 – Before Watchmen Ozymandias Statue:
Painstakingly sculpted and hand-painted, coated with a glaze of Alan Moore’s tears.
p. 261 – Peanuts Ultra Detail Figures:
“Gothic Brown, you blockhead!”
p. 380 – Doctor Who The Complete Guide SC:
“Whew! Finally finished writing this book! I’ve successfully and completely covered all fifty years of Doctor Who’s history!”
“Uh, Mark, there’s a new episode next Saturday.”
“OH SON OF A BITCH”
p. 388 – William Shakespeare’s Star Wars HC:
Ah, Shakespeare in the original Star Warsian. I don’t see how any sci-fi fan could have a problem with…
…Uh oh.
Oh, well, maybe J.J. Abrams can resolve this in his eventual Star Wars/Star Trek crossover movie.
p. 392 – American Horror Story Trading Cards:
Oh please let there be costume prop cards with little bits of the black leather body suit embedded in them. “Oooh, this one’s still moist with sweat!”
p. 396 – Doctor Who “Future Companion” T-Shirt:
“I hope I’m the one with the unrequited love for the Doctor!” “I hope I’m the one with a mysterious past that they keep teasing everyone about all season!” “I hope I’m the one who totally overstays my welcome but they keep bringing me back anyway!”
p. 399 – Man-Thing Indigo Black T-Shirt:
I’m not sure I’m quite ready to tool (heh) around town with “MAN-THING” plastered across my chest. And I’m sure we’re all anxiously awaiting the obvious “Giant-Size Man-Thing” joke, but I’m not going to tell it. YOU TELL IT.
Also (ahem) Man-Thing on that shirt has the wrong number of fingers and also while Man-Thing’s touch can burn you as implied by the ad copy over the image, the burning sensation is triggered by fear, not love, and Man-Thing himself can’t feel love as he is an emotionless, mindless beast only responding to the feelings of others. …YOU’VE BEEN PEDANTED, OH YEAH
p. 405 – Robin R.I.P. T-Shirt, Robin Symbol Youth T-Shirt, Robin Symbol T-Shirt (not pictured):
One, the dead Robin shirt is kind of weird. Try explaining this to the uninitiated. “Well, Robin died…not, not that Robin. Or that Robin. …Batman’s son. Yeah, with Talia. …Okay, lemme ‘splain Talia….” Two, I’m reasonably certain that the not-pictured Robin Symbol T-Shirt looks relatively similar to the Robin Symbol Youth T-Shirt (pictured). Okay, maybe the “R” is a little larger in relation to the rest of the shirt, but, c’mon.
And “Robin takes a dive?” So you’re saying he…faked his death? IS THIS SHIRT AD A SPOILER?
p. 424 – TYO X USPS Mini Drop Box:
When I was but a young Mikester, I actually had a toy metal mailbox that was, oh, I don’t know, about a foot tall, that I played with. A lot.
Look, this is what kids did before they all had their Grand Theft Portals and their Zunedroids.
p. 438 – The Hobbit The Goblin King Mini-Bust:
“Hmmm…I don’t think I can sign off on this quite yet.”
“Ah, give us a break, Goblin King, it looks just like you.”
“WHAT? Look, that’s not flattering at all. Here, you need me to make me look more like this. Lemme DM you a picture.”
“Yeah, okay, Goblin King, we’ll get right on that.”
p. 440 – Star Wars Grand Admiral Thrawn Mini-Bust:
“Hey, Bill, I don’t remember any of the guys in Avatar looking like that.”
“IT’S NOT FROM…sigh, never mind.”
p. 452 – Doctor Who Dalek Head Torch Booklight:
Affixing a light to your kid’s head with a strap that reads “EXTERMINATE!” Sure, why not. And why this isn’t a representation of a Dalek eyestalk, I have no idea, aside from kids probably having to hold their books out at arm’s length for the light to be used properly.
p. 460 – Star Wars Collector’s Watches:
Designs include Darth Vader (breathes heavily instead of ticks), Stormtrooper (time’s never quite on target), and Boba Fett (alarm mode: screams once, falls off your wrist). NOT SHOWN: the Chewbacca design (just completely covered in hair).
p. 479 – Doctor Who Sonic Screwdriver Toothbrush:
Man, that one year where the Doctor regenerated into a toothbrush was really weird. And let’s face it, his tiny toothbrush companion was really just gilding the lily.
p. 495 – Firefly The Game:
Sadly, no one ever wins because the game always gets cancelled a few moves in.
p. 497 – Monopoly My Little Pony Edition Boxed Game:
Do not pass GO…no, really, don’t pass GO, there’s a bunch of adult male Bronies there, I don’t want you hanging out with them.
p. 497 – Monopoly Power Rangers 20th Anniversary Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do not be amazed that this thing’s been goin’ on for twenty freakin’ years.
p. 497 – Monopoly Skylanders Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do not…um, look, I don’t know what the hell this is. I’m old.
Marvel Previews p. 70 – Wolverine In The Flesh #1:
“Reality star Chris Cosentino tells a tale about Wolverine and food like only a Top Chef Master can!”
Hey, maybe they can get Stan what’s-his-name from that Who Wants to Be A Superhero reality show to write a comic for them next!
Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
It seems like I just fell off the last Diamond Previews and here I am, being encouraged to jump back on and ride the new Previews lest I be scared of it in the future. So let’s take a peek and see what the April 2013 edition has in store for us…grab your copy and follow along:
p. 99 – Superman #21:
So Hector Hammond is still paralyzed, right? Does he use his vast mental powers to control others in order to maintain his sweet mustache? “SLICK THE MUSTACHE TENDRILS, MY HELPLESS PUPPET.”
…I’m going to guess this won’t be covered in this issue of Superman.
p. 105 – Batman The Dark Knight #21:
“The grand finale to the origin of the Mad Hatter is here….” What, already? I guess we had to wrap that up quickly to make room for the forthcoming 24-part RETURN OF THE MANIKIN.
p. 122 – Justice League Dark #21:
“Guest-starring the Flash and Swamp Thing!” …Surely there is no more magical phrase than this.
p. 232 – The Walking Dead Action Figures Series 2:
“The Governor’s Daughter Zombie (Penny) features 12 points of articulation and includes a bucket of fresh body parts (severed leg, severed foot, severed hand, intestines, heart & Rick’s severed hand) and a fish tank with trophy heads.”
There must have been a time when a product like this would have made me pause for a moment and wonder just what the world had come to. But now I just think “I bet we can sell a few of these” and plan orders accordingly.
p. 261 – Archie #645:
Hmmm…which cover should I order more of for the shop? Which one? This sure is a headscratcher.
p. 393 – Man of Steel The Official Novelization MMPB:
“What was I supposed to do?” Clark asked plaintively. “Let ’em die?”
Pa Kent stared off into the distance. “Maybe,” he replied curtly.
IF PA KENT JUST STOPS IT THERE AND WALKS OFF, LEAVING CLARK TO THINK THAT PERHAPS HE SHOULD JUST LET PEOPLE DIE TO PROTECT HIS SECRET IDENTITY IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION TO EVERY PORTRAYAL OF PA KENT EVER, TURN TO PAGE 221
IF PA KENT ACTUALLY HAS MORE TO SAY TO PROVIDE SUPPORT TO CLARK IN HIS TIME OF SELF-DOUBT, AND ACTUALLY DOESN’T THINK CLARK SHOULD JUST LET PEOPLE DIE, DESPITE THE MOVIE TRAILER BEING EDITED TO IMPLY THAT’S HIS ENTIRE RESPONSE, TURN TO PAGE 278
p. 414 – The Walking Dead Comic “The Governor” Black T-shirt:
“Who’s that?”
“The Governor.”
“Which governor?”
“You know, the bad guy from The Walking Dead.”
“That doesn’t look like him.”
“It’s the comic book version.”
“…There’s a comic book?”
p. 419 – Walking Dead One-Eyed Zombie Metal Bottle Opener:
So the trend here is to incorporate a more and more elaborate hole in the bottle opener design, like the eye in the zombie above, or Ghost Rider’s mouth here in the bottle opener from page 422:
Okay, so here’s your money maker, Internet: Goatse bottle opener. You’re welcome. Also, if you don’t know, don’t Google it.
p. 426 – DC Classic TV 1966 Batman Moment Action Figure 2-Packs:
Oh my goodness, action figures recreating the famous wall-climbing sequences from the 1960s Batman TV show! Now all I need are action figures for Sammy Davis Jr, Colonel Klink, Dick Clark, Sam Stone, the Carpet King, Art Linkletter, the Green Hornet and Kato, Don Ho, Suzy Knickerbocker, Edward G. Robinson, Jerry Lewis, Jose Jimenez, Santa Claus, and Lurch, and I can recreate all the window cameo scenes!
p. 428 – Skeptical Rice Buddy 11″ Plush:
This grain of rice isn’t putting up with any of your homeopathy or “psychic” powers nonsense. And you should see the beard on the James Randi Rice Buddy.
p. 447 – Star Wars Business Card Holders Han Solo & R2-D2:
“Please…take my card.”
“Sure…whoa! That’s a sweet business card holder, Your Holiness!”
p. 455 – Doctor Who Mugs:
This kind of reminds me of when you see an old, dry snail shell…hollow, depressingly empty. Clearly this mug is just Davros’ chair with old, dried up Davros scraped out it.
p. 461 – Star Wars Tie-Fighter Webcam:
NEW FOR YOUR TIE FIGHTERS: TIE-NUTZ! SHOW THE REBELS YOU’VE GOT BALLS WITH THIS HILARIOUS SPACE SHIP ACCESSORY!
p. 492 – Monopoly The Walking Dead Survival Edition PX Board Game:
“Go to Jail. Spend the Entirety of Season Three in Jail.”
Marvel Previews p. 10 – Age of Ultron #10:
Maybe they should have polybagged every news story, Twitter feed and website that’s already revealed the shocking surprise ending a week ago.
Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
It’s another month…well, almost…which means there’s another issue of Diamond Previews, chock-full of all kinds of wonderful and crazy items that I am legally required by Internet law to carry in our shop! Grab your own copy of Previews, the March 2013 edition, and follow along as I see what will be filling our shelves in a few months’ time!
p. 82-3 – The Green Team #1 and The Movement #1:
Remember, everyone…whichever one of these series gets canceled first, that means the other side is the winner, and that’ll put the end to this political/economic debate forever.
p. 100 – Batman and Robin #20:
In light of recent events, I am hoping the Batman and Robin series will become a superheroic version of Weekend at Bernie’s. (CATWOMAN: “He’s not saying much.” BATMAN: “Um, he’s tired. Long night crime-fighting. Uh, GOTTA GO.”)
p. 103 – Batman The Dark Knight #20:
“It’s the penultimate chapter of the definitive Mad Hatter story….”
Somewhere, the ghost of Lewis Carroll sheds a single spectral tear.
p. 129 – Adventures of Superman #1:
Reminder: the Jeff Parker and Chris Samnee story from this issue will soon be available on its own for digital download, so be sure to buy it! Tell ’em Orson sent ya!
p. 134-135: Before Watchmen Deluxe Hardcovers:
In twenty-five years’ time, DC will announce their Before “Before Watchmen” project, and fandom will rage across the Ultranet about this betrayal, this brutal undermining of these beloved classics.
p. 154 – The Flash vs. TBA Action Figure 2-Pack:
Not sure what sort of rights hoops DC had to jump through in order to get Flash to fight one of Marvel’s most popular creators in action figure form, but here you go!
p. 226 – The Walking Dead Michonne Resin Statue:
That rotating base is quite thoughtful, allowing each person sitting around the dinner table at the fancy dress party to get a good look at this centerpiece from every angle.
p. 405 – “No Sweat” Punisher T-Shirt:
“And the award for ‘Most Ironically Named T-Shirt in Previews’ goes to….”
p. 408 – Doctor Who “Smaller on the Outside” T-Shirt:
People who aren’t familiar with Doctor Who are going to go through all kinds of mental gymnastics trying to figure out what exactly this shirt is saying about your penis.
p. 426 – Breaking Bad Walter White 6-Inch Action Figure:
Someday I will see a young kid playing with his action figures, and he’ll have his Punisher figure in one hand and his Walter White figure in the other, and he’ll be saying “STOP, CREEP” and he’ll reply to himself with “I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS” and it’ll be the finest, most glorious moment in my life.
p. 426 – Breaking Bad 8-Inch Plushies:
Oh my, those are so cute and cuddly and meth-hidable and huggable and sweet! Kids’ll love ’em!
p. 427 – Breaking Bad 6-Inch Bobblehead:
BOBBLING BAD.
I don’t have a joke, I just wanted to type that to see what it looked like. Hmmm. HMMMMMM.
p. 430 – Lost in Space: 1/1-Scale Laser Pistol:
Man, that’s goofy-looking. Can you believe this ridiculous piece of…huh? What’s that? The Mass Effect 3: M-3 Predator Full-Scale Replica on page 435?
…I take it back, Lost in Space 1/1-Scale Laser Pistol. I like you just fine.
p. 434 – Seka 1:4-Scale Bookends:
“Seka’s natural beauty is captured by these two pre-painted, fully-licensed statues with removeable clothing.”
Comics, everyone!
p. 434 – Star Trek (2009) Starfleet Academy Class Ring Replica:
This will go great with my Starfleet Academy Yearbook! (CUT TO: old issue of Starlog with my senior portrait pasted into a photo gallery previewing Star Trek: The Motion Picture)
p. 446 – Batman The Dark Knight Rises 400% Be@rbrick:
Why isn’t this one of the available skins in Batman: Arkham City?
p. 461 – Space Invaders 60cm Hopper:
Remember back in the old days, when people would dress to the nines when going to the movies, or going out to dinner, or riding around on their inflatable hopping balls?
THIS DUDE IS SO HAPPY. AND SNAPPILY-DRESSED.
p. 471 – The Walking Dead TV Board Game 2: The Best Defense:
I picture any Walking Dead board game as the inverse of The Game of Life, where you start the game with your little car full of blue and pink pegs representing your family, and over the course of the game you just remove the pegs one or two at the time. And then eventually you have to abandon the car and hole up in the green hills surrounding the spinning number dial thingie, and other pegs, painted rotting brown and black colors, corner you, moaning and biting while the shattered remnants of your family cower in fear until your eventual brutal deaths.
Or maybe it’s like Chutes and Ladders. That’s a fun game.
p. 474 – Clue The Big Bang Theory Collector’s Edition:
“Howard…” (laughter) “…did it in Penny’s apartment…” (louder laughter) “…with Dungeons & Dragons!” (raucous laughter, applause, credits roll)
Marvel Previews p. 72 – Marvel Galactus Sculpted Metal Bottle Opener:
Man, that sure is nice, but after the Silver Surfer bottle opener and the Thor’s Hammer bottle opener and the Captain America’s Shield bottle opener, your average fan with apparently plenty of bottles to open would need one of these like he needs a…um, what’s that expression again? It’s right on the tip of my tongue.
Marvel Previews p. 91 – Wolverine First Cuts TPB:
Reprints, among other things, issues #1 and #2 of the Chris Claremont/Frank Miller Wolverine mini-series from 1982. Enjoy that half of a story, kids!
Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there! I’m just sittin’ here paging through my copy of Diamond Previews (February 2013 edition) and seeing what swell new items catch my eye! In fact, I list a few of them here…why don’t you grab your own copy of Previews and follow along?
p. 81 – WTF April:
So one of the Big Two companies is doing a month-long promotion called “What The [Expletive] April.” I am looking forward to “MILF March” featuring all the superheroes’ mothers.
p. 152 – Man of Steel Superman 1:6 Scale Iconic Statue:
Whoa, hold up, let’s not jump the gun on using the word “iconic” there, friends.
p. 154 – Aardman Batman and Robin (Classic) Action Figure 2-Pack:
I have no idea what possessed anybody to even suggest this be done, but I’m glad they did.
JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE:
p. 244 – Sesame Street #1 Imagination:
“One of these things is not like the other / One of these things just doesn’t belong” is what I shall sing to the children as I show them the five variant covers on the first issue, and I shall judge them by the cover they single out, oh yes.
p. 253 – Archie #643 Archie Meets Glee, Part 3:
So is this actually published by Archie, or is Fox publishing comic books just that happen to look like Archie? I’m not sure anymore.
p. 372 – Did I Do That? The Best (And Worst) of the ’90s SC:
Nostalgia for the ’90s? Already? I can’t imagine anyone having…
…um…
…YEAH OKAY, FINE.
p. 382 – Star Wars “Wraith Ring” Black T-Shirt:
Wait just a second, Previews…are you trying to tell me there are nerd-centric t-shirts that come in black? The devil you say!
p. 384 – Shawarma T-Shirt:
Oh, you have a lot to answer for, Joss Whedon.
p. 385 – Cross-Processed T-Shirt:
So let’s see here…about that “#hipster” tag. Is it saying that Spider-Man is a hipster? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster by virtue of being a Spider-Man fan? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster because he recognizes the incongruity of Spider-Man and a Twitter-esque “#hipster” tag and thus is wearing the shirt ironically? That the actual name under which the shirt is being marketed is kind of a stretch, and that somehow incorporating the term “octothorpe” would not only be more accurate than “cross,” a Doctor Octopus reference could probably be squeezed in there too since we’re all about the Doc Ock right now.
Shorter version: it’s like the people responsible for the 1960s Teen Titans comics traveled to the future to design this shirt.
p. 399 – R2-D2 Tinned Mints:
I had all kinds of jokes for this, and believe you me, “NOT A SEX TOY” is the least offensive of them.
p. 414 – Giant Microbes:
Hey, wait just a moment…wasn’t that middle dude in the second row in Prometheus?
p. 420 – Puppet Master 1/1-Scale Replica:
When I was but a young Mikester, maybe about four or five or so, I had a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist doll and, on occasion, just having it in my room would scare the hell out of me.
…So basically if I’d had these Puppet Master dolls at age five, I probably would have had a heart attack.
p. 422 – Star Wars Darth Malgus Mini-Bust:
Now that Disney owns both Star Wars and Marvel, I guess it was only a matter of time before Doctor Doom got lightsabers.
p. 427 – Star Wars Boba Fett Silicone Ice Tray:
I hear they skipped making the Ice Planet of Hoth Ice Tray because, you know, anyone who has a fridge with a built-in ice crusher can do that.
p. 435 – Bruce Lee HD Masterpiece Action Figure:
“BRUUUUCE! You left your Fists of Fury all over the living room floor! Can you pick those up, please?”
“OKAY, MA! Sorry, Ma!”
“And put away your Head of Vague Irritation, too…I don’t like they way it looks at me.”
“Okay, Ma, geez!”
p. 447 – Happy Man Corkscrew:
Man, this Se7en merchandise has taken a weird turn.
p. 462 – The Beatles Yellow Submarine Monopoly:
Do not pass the sky of blue, do not find the sea of green.
p. 462 – Dungeons & Dragons Clue:
“The Beholder…killed Mr. Koboldy in the torture chamber…with the polearm.” “Can Beholders even use polearms?” “SHHH!”
p. 470 – Jedi Junkies DVD:
This hard-hitting documentary examines the impact of death sticks on the Force-using populace. Is your padawan hooked?
p. 470 – Repligator DVD:
I suspect the gator head wouldn’t be a problem for some of those folks out there.
p. 471 – The Complete Space: 1999 Megaset 30th Anniversary Edition:
Oh, I sure do remember all those great episodes of Space: 1999, where Commander Koenig would complain about President Clinton, and they’d all gather around and play the station’s Sega Dreamcast, and they’d download stuff from Napster, and Dr. Russell was hooked on The Sopranos. Man, that Space: 1999 was a good show.
Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
So it turns out this month is the eighth anniversary of my End of Civilization posts…I haven’t tagged all of them yet, mostly because who has the time, and plus the really early ones didn’t have images for all the items, believe it or not. Anyway, if you’re curious, this is the post I’ve always considered as the first EoC entry, even if it’s not named as such, as that particular item really triggered the “what, really?” response in me. Also, in a nice touch, that’s apparently post #666 on the site, so take from that what you will.
Anyway, there’s new stuff coming from Diamond every month, so let’s get an advance warning for what’s headed our way soon by going through the Previews January 2013 edition. Grab your copy and follow along:
p. 31 – FCBD 2013 Commemorative T-Shirt Jim Cheung:
You know, I bet Marvel could make more money selling these with the “CLASSIFIED” design rather than the actual one they’re keeping under wraps. I mean, at least to jaded comic store employees who’d wear them ironically.
p. 188 – Constantine #1:
I don’t have a gag. I’m just reminding you this is happening.
p. 127 – Threshold #3:
The introduction of Captain K’rot, the new, gritty, updated version of Captain Carrot! Hopefully when Marvel gets the Star Wars license back in a couple of years, they can reintroduce Jaxxon:
…and he and K’rot can have one of those intercompany crossover thingies. But only if the comics are painted like in these images.
p. 158 – Superman The Man of Steel Superman by Lee Bermejo Statue:
Another piece of Superman merchandise that still retains the trunks. Also, he seems to come with a postal scale as a base.
p. 167 – Judge Dredd Year One #1:
And now, in the most unexpected comic news of the year:
Yup:
I would pay real money to read a full Judge Dredd comic by Sim. Abso-freakin’-lutely. (Especially if it included “JUDGE ROACH.”)
p. 238 – Bazooka Joe and His Gang HC:
“The book also includes reproductions of 200 classic Bazooka Joe comics….”
OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE:
p. 255 – Archie #642:
So, kids being unable to keep their drinks from spilling all over the damn place? Is that a thing these days? I mean, are those even drinks? Are they carrying paint around for some reason? What’s going on? I don’t get you young people and your crazy fads.
p. 285 – Lady Death #24 Bad Teacher Cover:
Say, have they done a “Naughty Librarian” variant cover yet? If not, maybe soon? I’m, um, asking for a customer.
p. 364 – Superman The Ultimate Guide to the Man of Steel:
“Superman gets his power from Earth’s yellow sun….”
“So why’s he wearing armor?”
“Ahem. Yes, well. Earth’s lighter gravity gives him super strength….”
“Yes, but about the armor….”
“HE HAS X-RAY VISION AND SUPER BREATH….”
“SENATOR, YOU ARE EVADING THE QUESTION!”
“Security, please escort Mr. Sterling from the room, thank you very much.”
p. 365 – Doctor Who FAQ All That’s Left to Know About the Most Famous Time Lord in the Universe SC:
“FIRST NAME: Doctor. LAST NAME: Who.” Glad that’s finally cleared up.
p. 380 – The Walking Dead “Keep Calm and Kill Walkers” Black T-Shirt:
Honestly, at first glance I thought that said “kill wankers” and I thought, well, that could be a bit harsh, depending on how they’re using the word “wanker.” …Also, this “keep calm” business is about over, right?
p. 387 – Aquaman Symbol T-Shirt:
“Hey, Chad, love your Star Trek shirt! The emblem seems a bit off, though.”
“IT’S NOT A…ah, forget it.”
p. 396 – Stormtrooper Tinned Mints:
I suppose having to breath your own air all day in one of those helmets, things would start to get a bit ripe. Also, what if in one of the movies, a stormtrooper pulled his helmet off, and instead of a Jango Fett clone face underneath, out poured a bunch of these minty candies? That would be terrifying. And refreshingly yummy. And terrifying.
p. 397 – Light Saber Bottle Opener:
You know, back at the Academy, Yoda was always catching the older Padawans slicing caps off bottles with their lightsabers. “OPEN BREWSKIS WITH THE FORCE, YOU WILL NOT.” “Lighten up, old man!”
p. 402 – Ron English’s Temper Tot Vinyl Figure:
And the weird thing is, I kinda know dudes who look like that. Well, maybe not green, but, like, the body shape, the fashion sense….
p. 429 – Doctor Who Figural Mugs:
You know, the first thing I thought of when I saw these was that hollow-headed alien played by Harvey Korman in the Star Wars Holiday Special, where Bea Arthur as the barkeep would pour a drink into the hole in the top of his head, and the second thing I thought was “why in God’s name is something from the Star Wars Holiday Special an immediate reference point in my mind for anything else?” And then I cried. A lot.
p. 442 – Zombie Figural Bottle Opener:
I wonder if, in the fictional worlds of zombie apocalypse milieus like The Walking Dead, their respective pop cultures are also filled with oddball zombie-related pieces of merchandise. And, when the inhabitants of those particular scenarios come across artifacts such as Zombie Figural Bottle Openers while seeking out much needed supplies, do they regard them with some small measure of irony or just outright dismay or disgust?
I also wonder this about Star Trek. What filled Star Trek’s cultural niche in the fictional Star Trek world? Was it Lost in Space? Did Kirk’s great-great-great-whatever-grandfather wear “DR. SMITH LIVES” buttons and Debbie-the-Bloop ears?
p. 450 – The Lord of the Rings Head Knockers:
“Hey, Gollum, people aren’t really bowled over by that new Hobbit movie…”
“But everyone likes you in it, though!”
p. 457 – Monopoly The Lord of the Rings Edition:
“YOU…SHALL…NOT…PASS…GO!”
Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
As not-really-predicted by the Mayan Calendar…The End of Civilization is now upon us! Hide in your shelters, crack open that tin of survivalist-brand crackers and cheese, and follow along in your Diamond Previews December 2012 edition to check out what new items are going to see us out of this world and into the next. PLEASE NOTE: big ol’ spoiler for the Avengers movie, in case you just landed on Earth and haven’t seen it yet:
p. 84-5 – Justice League of America #1:
…with its fifty-something variants for the U.S.’s different states and its bonus extras, Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico. Frankly, they should combine the blank sketch cover trend with this comic and allow folks at home to make their own variants:
Oh, look, here’s a blank right here:
p. 103 – Batgirl #17:
Hey, remember back when James Gordon, Jr. was like this forgotten minor character from a Frank Miller comic? How long ’til he gets his own New 52 series?
p. 113 – Swamp Thing #17:
I’m going to have to admit to you…I never even considered the idea that having Swamp Thing back in the DC Universe, or what passes for the DC Universe nowadays, could possibly mean a Harley Quinn/Swamp Thing battle (even if it’s “deformed/possessed by Swamp Thing’s nemesis” Harley Quinn)…but I guess I should have realized. THIS IS WHAT I ASKED FOR.
p. 123 – Young Romance A New 52 Valentine’s Day Special #1:
Yup, that’s certainly a couple of nearly 80-year-old characters on the cover of a comic called Young Romance.
Oooh, that misspelling is one letter away from turning a Batman supporting character’s name into something spectacular. “It’s Morgan Freeman in his sexiest role yet!”
p. 167- Mars Attacks #7:
They should do “30 Second Later” variants for more comics! Why, just imagine the possibilities!
p. 230 – Cavewoman Oasis #1:
…Sometimes you just need to say “Well, goodness,” and leave it at that.
p. 233 – Forcebook T-Shirt:
Finally, something to replace my outdated “MyHyperspace” t-shirt.
p. 360 – James Bond FAQ All That’s Left to Know About Everyone’s Favorite Superspy:
“Everyone’s favorite superspy?” Why would a book about Danger Mouse be called James Bond FAQ?
p. 362 – Star Trek The Visual Dictionary HC:
When no one was looking, Cyrano Jones imported forty tribbles. He imported 400 tribbles. That’s as many as four thousands. And that’s terrible.
p. 362 – Stuck On Star Trek:
“Mom! I can’t separate the Captain Kirk sticker from the green alien woman!”
“Um…what?”
“Oh, great, now there’s another alien woman attached to Kirk!”
“I’m returning that toy.”
p. 370 – Son of Satan Black T-Shirt:
I don’t know which is more amazing…that we finally got a Son of Satan t-shirt, or that terrible pun surrounding the picture of the shirt.
p. 375 – Rat Creature T-Shirt:
p. 383 – Star Wars Han Solo in Carbonite Vinyl Bank:
At last. AT LONG LAST. I think my well-earned rest is at hand, now that The Nerdiest Object Ever has been reduced to affordable form. The End of Civilization…finally here.
p. 403 – Avengers Movie Thor Mjolnir Limited Edition Replica:
There may be a slight delay in delivery, as no shipping company seems to be able to pick these up for some reason.
p. 403 – The Avengers Movie Agent Coulson’s Captain America Trading Cards:
Now, I kept trying to get a good look at the cards in the film, and what I saw reminded me a little of those old Comics Images sets from about 20 years ago. But here, you can get replicas of the cards in a dual set: the “Near Mint” set, and, get ready for this, the “Bloody” set. Yes, you can relive that moment when the cards allegedly soaked in the blood of the beloved Agent Coulson are presented to the Avengers. (NOTE: probably not the actual blood of that actor.)
And don’t even get me started on Agent Coulson’s Captain America card set having a card of Agent Coulson in it. That’s some weird self-reflexive ouroboros type stuff and thinking about it will just drive you crazy. Crazy.
Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
I’m sure you’ve all heard the big news: the Walt Disney Company has, after a long negotiation, bought out Progressive Ruin Industries for a grand total of $127, plus a case of Diet Coke. Now I can afford to sit back and watch the End of Civilization in comfort and luxury, and you, the Little People, can follow along yourselves with your November 2012 copy of Diamond Previews:
p.73 – Good Luck Trolls Mystery Box Assortment Series 2:
Now they’re probably hiding the “secret” troll color combination with that silhouette-with-question-mark image, but what if…what if…that “mystery troll” actually looked just like this:
All black, with a question mark painted over the front. That would be swell.
p. 147 – The All New Metallic Superman by Frank Miller Statue:
“Say, Bill, why do you have a statue of Superman doing a pirouette?”
“I’ll have you know this is a representation of Superman from one of the greatest graphic novels of all time.”
“Superman Versus Baryshnikov? Can I borrow it?”
“…Shut up.”
p. 152 – Mars Attacks Popeye:
Man, that “Destroying A Jeep” card is particularly traumatizing.
p. 155 – Star Trek Countdown to Darkness #1:
Not to be confused with Star Trek: Countdown to The Darkness, where the Enterprise crew travels back in time to just sorta hang around in a concert hall before that band comes on stage.
p. 178 – Hey, wait a second…
…Perhaps you missed them back on page #152, Weird Cartoony IDW Mascot Guy:
p. 237 – Expendable Stormtroopers T-Shirt:
Psst. Hey. Hey Disney. Over here. Get a load of what’s goin’ on here.
p. 240 – Archie Meets Glee:
Looking forward to the inevitable “Archie Meets Breaking Bad.”
Walt: “I’M THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!”
Moose: “Duh…I love jokes! ‘Who’s there?'”
Walt: “D’OH!” (flips backward, feet and legs sticking up from bottom of panel)
p. 241- Archie The Married Life Volume 3 TP:
They’re sure milking the hell out of this “Archie gets married” thing. I expect multiple trade paperbacks out of the eventual “Archie: The Bitter, Acrimonious Divorce” saga.
p. 348 – DC Batman Automobilia Collection Magazine:
Will this series last long enough to eventually get around to the Bat-villains’ sweet rides? In particular, this vehicle? I certainly hope so.
p. 354 – The Geek Handbook SC:
“How to Most Efficiently Bite the Heads off Chickens.” “The Carny Life: As Exciting As You Want It to Be.” “Living in Filth: Not As Bad As It Sounds.”
p. 356 – The History of Mario 1981-1991 TP:
So I was all ready to call the book on cutting off the history just before the 1993 release of the Super Mario Bros. movie, thus avoiding having to deal with it, but the actual solicitation does mention the film’s existence. Way to joke-block me, Previews.
p. 367 – Before Watchmen Nite Owl Symbol T-Shirt:
Test the face perception/pareidolic abilities of passerby with this vaguely face-resembling image!
p. 380 – Star Wars Angry Birds Koosh Faceball Packs:
If any of you plan on taking that Han Solo Angry Bird faceball to Harrison Ford to sign at some point in the near future, please let me know so I can be there to see the look on his face.
p. 382 – Justice League Logo Trexis:
After the wholesale rejection of Jim Lee’s New 52 costume designs for all of DC’s heroes as being “too complicated,” the next reboot’s costumes will follow a different strategy.
p. 387 – Twilight 1/18 Scale Die-Cast Replicas:
Remember back when Twilight fans would divide themselves into “Team Ford Police Cruiser” and “Team Chevy Truck?” Oh, youth, you so crazy.
p. 388 – Star Wars Kenner Power Droid Jumbo Action Figure:
Okay, Disney, listen, I only ask for one thing: a giant motorized version of this action figure that I can ride around in. C’mon, dudes. C’MON. I KNOW YOU GOT THE MONEY.
p. 390 – IT Conquered The World Statue:
The statue costs about a hundred bucks…which is about what they originally spent on the prop for the film, I think.
p. 392 – Gingerdead Man 1/1-Scale Replica:
I was hoping someday there would be the perfect piece of merchandise immortalizing Gary Busey’s finest role, and lo, it has come.
p. 400 – DC Comics Batman The Killing Joke The Joker ArtFX Statue:
HEY, DOES THIS STATUE COME WITH A BONDAGE CROTCH-CHERUB
OH GOOD THANK YOU
p. 427 – DC Heroes Grow Toys:
Tiny figures you add water to, and then they grow to six times their original size. Surely there must be one of these for the Atom. SURELY THERE MUST.
p. 433 – Marvel Heroes Cufflink Sets:
People who aren’t comic book fans are going to draw some mightily inappropriate conclusions from seeing you sporting your Punisher cufflinks.
p. 444 – The Lord of the Rings Dice Building Game:
“So, how do you play?”
“Um..you dump out all these dice, and then you spin the dial to see what you build with them.”
“Okay.” (spins dial) “Uh oh, we have to build a 1/25 scale model of Minas Tirith.”
“Well, better get started. Let’s move the furniture out of the room, first.”
Marvel Previews p. 76 – Marvel’s Thor Adaptation #1:
This “comic book adaptation of a movie based on a comic book that’s coming out way too late to take advantage of either the theatrical release or the home video release” trend is a strange one. But as long as they’re doing it, can we get one of the Roger Corman Fantastic Four film? Because that deserves four color immortality.
