Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Well, saddle up, pardner, as it’s time to lasso up some new, um, stuff out of this…okay, I’ve already lost the thread on the whole cowboy intro thing, so let’s just get cracking on what awaits us in the newest Diamond Previews, May 2013 edition. Grab your copy and follow along:
p. 128 – Batman ’66 #1:
Okay, this doesn’t really represent the End of Civilization, since this is absolutely fantastic, but I am pretty sure Hell has frozen over.
p. 135 – Batman The Court of Owls Book and Mask Set:
Okay, that’s all well and good, but honestly, DC, where’s your Justice League Versus Starro Book and Mask Set?
I mean COME ON.
p. 133 – Batman Vol. 3 Death of the Family HC:
Okay, I’m presenting this one a little out of order just to emphasize how lucky we were this particular storyline didn’t come out as a book and mask set.
p. 153 – Superman & Wonder Woman “The Kiss” Statue:
Hey, remember that time Supes and Wonder Woman were shrunk down by Brainiac and they shared a smooch on top of a “giant” pile of popcorn? Man, this New 52 sure is somethin’.
p. 157 – Before Watchmen Ozymandias Statue:
Painstakingly sculpted and hand-painted, coated with a glaze of Alan Moore’s tears.
p. 261 – Peanuts Ultra Detail Figures:
“Gothic Brown, you blockhead!”
p. 380 – Doctor Who The Complete Guide SC:
“Whew! Finally finished writing this book! I’ve successfully and completely covered all fifty years of Doctor Who’s history!”
“Uh, Mark, there’s a new episode next Saturday.”
“OH SON OF A BITCH”
p. 388 – William Shakespeare’s Star Wars HC:
Ah, Shakespeare in the original Star Warsian. I don’t see how any sci-fi fan could have a problem with…
…Uh oh.
Oh, well, maybe J.J. Abrams can resolve this in his eventual Star Wars/Star Trek crossover movie.
p. 392 – American Horror Story Trading Cards:
Oh please let there be costume prop cards with little bits of the black leather body suit embedded in them. “Oooh, this one’s still moist with sweat!”
p. 396 – Doctor Who “Future Companion” T-Shirt:
“I hope I’m the one with the unrequited love for the Doctor!” “I hope I’m the one with a mysterious past that they keep teasing everyone about all season!” “I hope I’m the one who totally overstays my welcome but they keep bringing me back anyway!”
p. 399 – Man-Thing Indigo Black T-Shirt:
I’m not sure I’m quite ready to tool (heh) around town with “MAN-THING” plastered across my chest. And I’m sure we’re all anxiously awaiting the obvious “Giant-Size Man-Thing” joke, but I’m not going to tell it. YOU TELL IT.
Also (ahem) Man-Thing on that shirt has the wrong number of fingers and also while Man-Thing’s touch can burn you as implied by the ad copy over the image, the burning sensation is triggered by fear, not love, and Man-Thing himself can’t feel love as he is an emotionless, mindless beast only responding to the feelings of others. …YOU’VE BEEN PEDANTED, OH YEAH
p. 405 – Robin R.I.P. T-Shirt, Robin Symbol Youth T-Shirt, Robin Symbol T-Shirt (not pictured):
One, the dead Robin shirt is kind of weird. Try explaining this to the uninitiated. “Well, Robin died…not, not that Robin. Or that Robin. …Batman’s son. Yeah, with Talia. …Okay, lemme ‘splain Talia….” Two, I’m reasonably certain that the not-pictured Robin Symbol T-Shirt looks relatively similar to the Robin Symbol Youth T-Shirt (pictured). Okay, maybe the “R” is a little larger in relation to the rest of the shirt, but, c’mon.
And “Robin takes a dive?” So you’re saying he…faked his death? IS THIS SHIRT AD A SPOILER?
p. 424 – TYO X USPS Mini Drop Box:
When I was but a young Mikester, I actually had a toy metal mailbox that was, oh, I don’t know, about a foot tall, that I played with. A lot.
Look, this is what kids did before they all had their Grand Theft Portals and their Zunedroids.
p. 438 – The Hobbit The Goblin King Mini-Bust:
“Hmmm…I don’t think I can sign off on this quite yet.”
“Ah, give us a break, Goblin King, it looks just like you.”
“WHAT? Look, that’s not flattering at all. Here, you need me to make me look more like this. Lemme DM you a picture.”
“Yeah, okay, Goblin King, we’ll get right on that.”
p. 440 – Star Wars Grand Admiral Thrawn Mini-Bust:
“Hey, Bill, I don’t remember any of the guys in Avatar looking like that.”
“IT’S NOT FROM…sigh, never mind.”
p. 452 – Doctor Who Dalek Head Torch Booklight:
Affixing a light to your kid’s head with a strap that reads “EXTERMINATE!” Sure, why not. And why this isn’t a representation of a Dalek eyestalk, I have no idea, aside from kids probably having to hold their books out at arm’s length for the light to be used properly.
p. 460 – Star Wars Collector’s Watches:
Designs include Darth Vader (breathes heavily instead of ticks), Stormtrooper (time’s never quite on target), and Boba Fett (alarm mode: screams once, falls off your wrist). NOT SHOWN: the Chewbacca design (just completely covered in hair).
p. 479 – Doctor Who Sonic Screwdriver Toothbrush:
Man, that one year where the Doctor regenerated into a toothbrush was really weird. And let’s face it, his tiny toothbrush companion was really just gilding the lily.
p. 495 – Firefly The Game:
Sadly, no one ever wins because the game always gets cancelled a few moves in.
p. 497 – Monopoly My Little Pony Edition Boxed Game:
Do not pass GO…no, really, don’t pass GO, there’s a bunch of adult male Bronies there, I don’t want you hanging out with them.
p. 497 – Monopoly Power Rangers 20th Anniversary Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do not be amazed that this thing’s been goin’ on for twenty freakin’ years.
p. 497 – Monopoly Skylanders Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do not…um, look, I don’t know what the hell this is. I’m old.
Marvel Previews p. 70 – Wolverine In The Flesh #1:
“Reality star Chris Cosentino tells a tale about Wolverine and food like only a Top Chef Master can!”
Hey, maybe they can get Stan what’s-his-name from that Who Wants to Be A Superhero reality show to write a comic for them next!
The Goblin King bit was the funniest thing I’ve read this week, Mike!
Why are there so many Monopoly versions?! Also, why do I not already own Power Rangers Monopoly?!
Although it bugs me that the White Tiger Ranger is on there when every other ranger is a Red Ranger… I don’t think I could really enjoy playing whilst I knew Tommy was on there twice for no good reason…
This is why Thursdays exist.
Also, that kissing statue features Superman’s new trousers. Is this a first? I feel like even though the New 52 is a year and a half old they’ve been releasing Supes statues with the old trunks-over-yoga-pants look. If so, I feel that this is a very exciting transition into the era of three dimensional Superslacks.
thanks to the Court of Owls set I can finally live my dream of joining Mummenschanz!
“Oooh, this one’s still moist with sweat!”
God, let’s hope that’s all.
This is the saddest End of Civilization for me because I want so much of it in a genuine, mostly non-ironic way. That Man-Thing t-shirt, for starters, and the Wookie fur-covered watch you described as a joke but that would be the awesomest thing ever.
Whoa, Wonder Woman already has Superman’s underwear off!
I thought it was latex and not leather, but I really don’t want to go look up this information to confirm it.
I’m going to have to agree with the little stuffed bull, the Goblin King bit was the best! Really..it all is, Mike!
QUOTE: Boba Fett (alarm mode: screams once, falls off your wrist)
I’ve been laughing for the past hour. Genius.
I want a new version of Man-Thing with the tagline “…Whatever knows love…burns at the Man-Thing’s touch”.
Oh wait. I think Frank Cho is heading in that direction in the latest issue of Savage Wolverine,
I’m coming to a point where I think that Diamond should stop selling licensed shirts and just start selling shirts based on the captions they create to advertise the shirts.
” Boba Fett (alarm mode: screams once, falls off your wrist”
BWA-HA-HA!
“Firefly The Game”
Does the movie get it’s own game?
“Power Rangers”
FUCK OFF, POWER RANGERS!
twenty years of that crap? GOOD GAWD.
“I’m coming to a point where I think that Diamond should stop selling licensed shirts and just start selling shirts based on the captions they create to advertise the shirts.”
I’m surprised they still sell COMICS! They probably make more money on all this liscenced crapola!
“Whatever knows love…burns at the Man-Thing’s touch”. ”
The Man-Thing as played by Charlie Sheen!
Hasbro could save a bundle on their eleventy thousand licensed versions of Monopoly by first creating box art and then just filling the boxes with wood-shavings and small rocks. Who would notice?
I’d be tempted to call a Firefly game a cheap cash in, but Gale Force Nine made a board game based on the Starz Spartacus series which is unbelievably fantastic. So if anyone can do Firefly justice, it’s probably those guys.
That “Grand Admiral Thrawn” bust will elicit the same reaction from most people.
“What is that, some kinda…space dentist? With his pet iguana? Is that a thing?”
I’m not going to shoot for a joke this time (not that I’m ever really funny). But…
While I wish they had used a better illustration for it (say, Frank Brunner’s cover to Vol.1 # 1, for example), I state with no shame whatsoever, that I plan on buying and wearing that Man-Thing shirt.
I had stopped wearing comic shirts years ago (although I still buy some for my Doctor Strange collection), but lately, I’ve been breaking them out once again.
One recent acquisition: a Tee with the cover of MARVEL PREMIERE # 28 featuring the LEGION OF MONSTERS!
(Ghost Rider, Werewolf by Night, Morbius, and MAN-THING)
One of the most bizarrely BAD issues and People dig the shirt!
All that being said, as for “Giant Sized”…
No, no… I said I wasn’t going to shoot for a joke this time.