Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
It seems like I just fell off the last Diamond Previews and here I am, being encouraged to jump back on and ride the new Previews lest I be scared of it in the future. So let’s take a peek and see what the April 2013 edition has in store for us…grab your copy and follow along:
p. 99 – Superman #21:
So Hector Hammond is still paralyzed, right? Does he use his vast mental powers to control others in order to maintain his sweet mustache? “SLICK THE MUSTACHE TENDRILS, MY HELPLESS PUPPET.”
…I’m going to guess this won’t be covered in this issue of Superman.
p. 105 – Batman The Dark Knight #21:
“The grand finale to the origin of the Mad Hatter is here….” What, already? I guess we had to wrap that up quickly to make room for the forthcoming 24-part RETURN OF THE MANIKIN.
p. 122 – Justice League Dark #21:
“Guest-starring the Flash and Swamp Thing!” …Surely there is no more magical phrase than this.
p. 232 – The Walking Dead Action Figures Series 2:
“The Governor’s Daughter Zombie (Penny) features 12 points of articulation and includes a bucket of fresh body parts (severed leg, severed foot, severed hand, intestines, heart & Rick’s severed hand) and a fish tank with trophy heads.”
There must have been a time when a product like this would have made me pause for a moment and wonder just what the world had come to. But now I just think “I bet we can sell a few of these” and plan orders accordingly.
p. 261 – Archie #645:
Hmmm…which cover should I order more of for the shop? Which one? This sure is a headscratcher.
p. 393 – Man of Steel The Official Novelization MMPB:
“What was I supposed to do?” Clark asked plaintively. “Let ’em die?”
Pa Kent stared off into the distance. “Maybe,” he replied curtly.
IF PA KENT JUST STOPS IT THERE AND WALKS OFF, LEAVING CLARK TO THINK THAT PERHAPS HE SHOULD JUST LET PEOPLE DIE TO PROTECT HIS SECRET IDENTITY IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION TO EVERY PORTRAYAL OF PA KENT EVER, TURN TO PAGE 221
IF PA KENT ACTUALLY HAS MORE TO SAY TO PROVIDE SUPPORT TO CLARK IN HIS TIME OF SELF-DOUBT, AND ACTUALLY DOESN’T THINK CLARK SHOULD JUST LET PEOPLE DIE, DESPITE THE MOVIE TRAILER BEING EDITED TO IMPLY THAT’S HIS ENTIRE RESPONSE, TURN TO PAGE 278
p. 414 – The Walking Dead Comic “The Governor” Black T-shirt:
“Who’s that?”
“The Governor.”
“Which governor?”
“You know, the bad guy from The Walking Dead.”
“That doesn’t look like him.”
“It’s the comic book version.”
“…There’s a comic book?”
p. 419 – Walking Dead One-Eyed Zombie Metal Bottle Opener:
So the trend here is to incorporate a more and more elaborate hole in the bottle opener design, like the eye in the zombie above, or Ghost Rider’s mouth here in the bottle opener from page 422:
Okay, so here’s your money maker, Internet: Goatse bottle opener. You’re welcome. Also, if you don’t know, don’t Google it.
p. 426 – DC Classic TV 1966 Batman Moment Action Figure 2-Packs:
Oh my goodness, action figures recreating the famous wall-climbing sequences from the 1960s Batman TV show! Now all I need are action figures for Sammy Davis Jr, Colonel Klink, Dick Clark, Sam Stone, the Carpet King, Art Linkletter, the Green Hornet and Kato, Don Ho, Suzy Knickerbocker, Edward G. Robinson, Jerry Lewis, Jose Jimenez, Santa Claus, and Lurch, and I can recreate all the window cameo scenes!
p. 428 – Skeptical Rice Buddy 11″ Plush:
This grain of rice isn’t putting up with any of your homeopathy or “psychic” powers nonsense. And you should see the beard on the James Randi Rice Buddy.
p. 447 – Star Wars Business Card Holders Han Solo & R2-D2:
“Please…take my card.”
“Sure…whoa! That’s a sweet business card holder, Your Holiness!”
p. 455 – Doctor Who Mugs:
This kind of reminds me of when you see an old, dry snail shell…hollow, depressingly empty. Clearly this mug is just Davros’ chair with old, dried up Davros scraped out it.
p. 461 – Star Wars Tie-Fighter Webcam:
NEW FOR YOUR TIE FIGHTERS: TIE-NUTZ! SHOW THE REBELS YOU’VE GOT BALLS WITH THIS HILARIOUS SPACE SHIP ACCESSORY!
p. 492 – Monopoly The Walking Dead Survival Edition PX Board Game:
“Go to Jail. Spend the Entirety of Season Three in Jail.”
Marvel Previews p. 10 – Age of Ultron #10:
Maybe they should have polybagged every news story, Twitter feed and website that’s already revealed the shocking surprise ending a week ago.
Before everyone and their mother jumps in to issue an “um, actually…” correction, I’ll simply state for the purposes of preventing such an unpleasant event that they’ve explicitly stated that Anegela’s appearance is not actually the “shocking surprise” ending for the story, and knowledge of her cameo role supposedly isn’t giving anything away ahead of time.
“Marvel Coo.” Now that’s a job title.
So… did Betty & Veronica bury Jughead in the sand, and are now looking mighty suspicious while they lounge on his beachfront grave?
Even the seagull looks to be in on the conspiracy.
He must have eaten Juggy’s final meal of burgers & fries.
@John
And the funnier thing is, the job title’s wrong. He’s not Marvel’s Chief Operating Officer, but is instead its Chief *Creative* Officer.
Tim – I’m sure there’s more, but I just figured that the Angela thing would be the only “surprise” that’ll matter.
It’s also the only thing that could be genuinely surprising.
Ugh. Continuing my awesome streak of doing exactly what others explicitly tell me not to do, I just Googled goatse.
Me, too. But I was also smart enough to only read what it was and not look. So I still don’t have to try to unsee something that I’ve yet to see.
It’s Spawn’s appearance at the end of Age of Ultron that’s going to be the REAL surprise…
I would do terrible things for a circa-1967 Sammy Davis, Jr. action figure. Terrible, terrible things.
I was watching “Spiral” the other night and in one scene Gilou casually uses the business end of his automatic as a bottle-opener. Sadly there doesn’t seem to be any Spiral merchandise.
Surprise ending: Uncle Ben was Miracleman. It ends him leaping into the sky and shouting “I’m back!”
Surprise ending: Joe Quesada section is a five page apology for every dumb ass “event” crossover clusterfuck on his watch, and his solemn oath that he will never allow Marvel to do such a thing again. And that Marvel is going to pay Kirby and Ditko a slice of the profits forever.
That would be discussed for years to come.
The Walking Dead Comic “The Governor” Black T-shirt:
You mean I can wear a shirt with the likeness of a fictional character defined by his pedophilia, incest, and brutal torture-rape?
WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!?!
Jesus.
“Archie #645”
did the girls bury jughead up to his HAT?
Hey look, shmoos are making a comeback.
Wait, it’s a “skeptical rice buddy”?