Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
As not-really-predicted by the Mayan Calendar…The End of Civilization is now upon us! Hide in your shelters, crack open that tin of survivalist-brand crackers and cheese, and follow along in your Diamond Previews December 2012 edition to check out what new items are going to see us out of this world and into the next. PLEASE NOTE: big ol’ spoiler for the Avengers movie, in case you just landed on Earth and haven’t seen it yet:
p. 84-5 – Justice League of America #1:
…with its fifty-something variants for the U.S.’s different states and its bonus extras, Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico. Frankly, they should combine the blank sketch cover trend with this comic and allow folks at home to make their own variants:
Oh, look, here’s a blank right here:
p. 103 – Batgirl #17:
Hey, remember back when James Gordon, Jr. was like this forgotten minor character from a Frank Miller comic? How long ’til he gets his own New 52 series?
p. 113 – Swamp Thing #17:
I’m going to have to admit to you…I never even considered the idea that having Swamp Thing back in the DC Universe, or what passes for the DC Universe nowadays, could possibly mean a Harley Quinn/Swamp Thing battle (even if it’s “deformed/possessed by Swamp Thing’s nemesis” Harley Quinn)…but I guess I should have realized. THIS IS WHAT I ASKED FOR.
p. 123 – Young Romance A New 52 Valentine’s Day Special #1:
Yup, that’s certainly a couple of nearly 80-year-old characters on the cover of a comic called Young Romance.
Oooh, that misspelling is one letter away from turning a Batman supporting character’s name into something spectacular. “It’s Morgan Freeman in his sexiest role yet!”
p. 167- Mars Attacks #7:
They should do “30 Second Later” variants for more comics! Why, just imagine the possibilities!
p. 230 – Cavewoman Oasis #1:
…Sometimes you just need to say “Well, goodness,” and leave it at that.
p. 233 – Forcebook T-Shirt:
Finally, something to replace my outdated “MyHyperspace” t-shirt.
p. 360 – James Bond FAQ All That’s Left to Know About Everyone’s Favorite Superspy:
“Everyone’s favorite superspy?” Why would a book about Danger Mouse be called James Bond FAQ?
p. 362 – Star Trek The Visual Dictionary HC:
When no one was looking, Cyrano Jones imported forty tribbles. He imported 400 tribbles. That’s as many as four thousands. And that’s terrible.
p. 362 – Stuck On Star Trek:
“Mom! I can’t separate the Captain Kirk sticker from the green alien woman!”
“Um…what?”
“Oh, great, now there’s another alien woman attached to Kirk!”
“I’m returning that toy.”
p. 370 – Son of Satan Black T-Shirt:
I don’t know which is more amazing…that we finally got a Son of Satan t-shirt, or that terrible pun surrounding the picture of the shirt.
p. 375 – Rat Creature T-Shirt:
p. 383 – Star Wars Han Solo in Carbonite Vinyl Bank:
At last. AT LONG LAST. I think my well-earned rest is at hand, now that The Nerdiest Object Ever has been reduced to affordable form. The End of Civilization…finally here.
p. 403 – Avengers Movie Thor Mjolnir Limited Edition Replica:
There may be a slight delay in delivery, as no shipping company seems to be able to pick these up for some reason.
p. 403 – The Avengers Movie Agent Coulson’s Captain America Trading Cards:
Now, I kept trying to get a good look at the cards in the film, and what I saw reminded me a little of those old Comics Images sets from about 20 years ago. But here, you can get replicas of the cards in a dual set: the “Near Mint” set, and, get ready for this, the “Bloody” set. Yes, you can relive that moment when the cards allegedly soaked in the blood of the beloved Agent Coulson are presented to the Avengers. (NOTE: probably not the actual blood of that actor.)
And don’t even get me started on Agent Coulson’s Captain America card set having a card of Agent Coulson in it. That’s some weird self-reflexive ouroboros type stuff and thinking about it will just drive you crazy. Crazy.
p. 113 – Swamp Thing #17 has also discovers a lizard with an opposable thumb and ability to make a fist. This issue also reveals where he went to college.
p. 123 – Young Romance A New 52 Valentine’s Day Special #1: In order to save time and money, artists will simply be tracing the Kama Sutra when heroes embrace. Also, Plastic Man is reintroduced into the New 52 as ‘The World’s Most Interesting Man.’
Did anyone else look at that cover with Batgirl and utter aloud, in a most bewildered tone, “But where’s her other arm???”
“Why would a book about Danger Mouse be called ‘James Bond FAQ’?”
so true.
“Cavewoman Oasis #1”
GOOD GAWD.
art so terrible it makes boobs UNSEXY.
““Everyone’s favorite superspy?””
Hey, what about Maxwell Smart?
That’s not actually Clark Gregg’s blood?
*cracks knuckles and gets out his Map of the Stars’ Homes*
We’ll see about that.
@IT, which other arm? One’s got the knife, the other’s holding the Guy’s hand.
The blank variant of Justice League of America makes it look like the guys with the flag are surrendering to the other guys, which makes sense, as the other guys have Martian Manhunter on their side.
I’m sure that will sell just fine, but I imagine the schtick would have worked better with the OTHER Justice League, with the recognizable superheroes on it, rather than New 52 Vibe and Green Lantern VI and whoever.
Well, this was a good one to go out on. Thanks Mike. My last thoughts as I embrace the void will be “I’m sorry I never got that ‘Son of Satan’ t-shirt.” Or I will wake up on December 13 and order two.
@bottleHED
Oh, are those gold gloves supposed to be *her* arms?
I… I just… *wanders away, confused*
“Batgirl vs. Dr. Johnny Fever” is an issue YOU MUST NOT MISS!
Yeah im done with the James Gordon Jr stuff. What ever happened to the Mad hatter??? or Clayface?
Well done on the 30 Seconds later joke. Well done indeed.
I feel those 50 JL variants aren’t getting enough mockery. What a truly terrible idea.