It’s time again for another entry in The End of Civilization, a once-classic, stand-alone, self-contained story since cheapened and undermined by an endless series of sequels and spinoffs. But the market demands more, so I must provide! Bust open your February 2012 edition of Diamond Previews, throw the Watchmen movie on the DVD player for a little background noise, and follow along:
p. 37 – Star Wars Omnibus Droids and Ewoks TP:

NOTICE: may not contain enough, or any at all, of this:
ALSO: Ewok stories may not contain sufficient amounts of Wilford Brimley. LET THE BUYER BEWARE.
p. 65 – Grendel Omnibus Vol. 1 Hunter Rose TP:

I’d like to think the last week or so of posts on my site had something to do with this…publishing lead times be damned.
p. 103 – Swamp Thing #8:

“Behold the terrifying true potential of the Swamp Thing — a form so fearsome we couldn’t put it on the cover!”
OH PLEASE OH PLEASE:

p. 196 – The Art of Being Spawn:

(CHEAP JOKE IN 3…2…)
Well, at least there’s some art involved somewhere with Spawn.
(CHEAP JOKE DEPLOYED. APOLOGIES TENDERED.)
p. 237 – Occupy Sesame Street T-Shirt:

Well, sure, why not.
p. 344 – Kinky Nylons SC:

Oh, hey, my new “Superheroines Pose Reference” art manual is in!
p. 344 – 100 Baddest Mother F****ers in Comics SC:


Yeah, that’s right.
p. 345 – The Avengers Kit:

“Congratulations, Hawkeye! You are now a full-fledged member of the Avengers!”
“Gee, what an honor!”
“Here is your membership pin…”
“Great!”
“Your Avengers manual…”
“Um, that’s kind of small.”
“…And your miniature Captain America figurine!”
“Wait, what? What do I need this f–”
“DON’T EVER LET US CATCH YOU WITHOUT LITTLE CAP.”
“Geez, okay!”
p. 352 – The Big Damn Firefly & Serenity Trivia Book SC:

Given that the likely market for this book practically wallows in Whedonverse minutia, I’m sure the writer of this book had a devil of a time coming up with real stumpers.
p. 362 – The Punisher “Double Fisted” Red All-Over-Print Previews Exclusive T-Shirt:

I have to admit, the name of this shirt evoked a different image than the one ultimately presented.
p. 365 – “Chillax” T-Shirt:

Seriously, is there a group of superheroes less “chillax” than the X-Men? …Then again, I’m only somewhat certain about the exact meaning of “chillax,” since I am old and am not hep to the slang of you young folks these days.
p. 367 – Joker Skinned T-Shirt:

“Hello! Do you have any t-shirts emblazoned with the most appalling Batman image in recent history?”
“Well, I do have shirt with ‘Are You Retarded? I’m the Godd…'”
“…No, no, I mean something really appalling.”
“Hmmm…okay, let me get the tongs and unseal the vault. Hold on a moment.”
p. 377 – Marvel Iron Man Neon Sign:

At last, my Red Skull with Manga Fox Mask display is finally available!
p. 382 – Avengers Earth’s Mightiest Heroes Action Figures:

I will pay One American Dollar if Captain America uses anything like that Shield Launcher in the movie. “HOLD ON, LET ME GET MY SHIELD GUN!” “Right on, Cap!”
p. 389 – Living Dead Dolls: Kick-Ass Hit Girl Doll:

I’m just going to say “Oh dear” and leave it at that.
p. 389 – Tonner Alice in Wonderland: Tarrant the Mad Hatter 8-Inch Doll:

No. Please stop.
p. 400 – Star Wars Dart Board:

Comes with bonus targets: Jar Jar, Anakin (Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen), that two-headed race announcer from Phantom Menace, Shooting-First Greedo, and maybe Lucas himself, but c’mon, surely you’ve forgiven him by now.
p. 403 – Elvis Presley ’68 Comeback Special ArtFX Figure:

Remember when girls would go so crazy when Elvis was onstage they’d cut off their own hands and throw them at him? Man, those were some wild days.
p. 411 – Ikki Tousen Shimei “Jake Version” PVC Figure:

“…Rival schools wage war against each other, influenced by powerful jewels that contain the spirits of legendary warriors.”
…Also, there are naked girls. Because when aren’t there.
p. 416 – Loki Mischief Cologne for Men:

Now, when I make the joke “oh, so that’s what happened to all the snake venom Sigyn collected in the bowl,” you know I’m making reference to the original Norse legends about Loki’s fate (bound beneath ground, venom dripping into his face, wife catches venom in bowl but must occasionally empty it out, allowing venom to hit Loki) and not actually casting any real aspersions upon what must certainly be a fine product, and oh God please don’t sue me I don’t have anything worth taking
p. 416 – Nick Fury Infinity Formula Cologne for Men:

Ah, this will go well with my Nick Fury Vision-Health Eye Drops.
…What? What?
p. 418 – Adam Warrock Audio CDs:

What’s this? Hippity-hoppity-rappity CDs? In my Previews? Why, of all the nerve! I would never recommend such a thing, and I certainly wouldn’t direct you to this artist’s website, where you can download a multitude of free tracks! Or send you to this site where you can get a free EP of music inspired by the TV show Firefly I know a few of you like! Never in a million years!









