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Once again, it’s time to see what wonders and what horrors lurk within the latest Diamond Previews catalog…grab your copy of the May 2007 edition and follow along. And check the sidebar for 26 previous installments, if you’re so inclined. And why wouldn’t you be? Heck, it’s not like you’re doing anything else right now anyway.

p. 168-9 – Lost Series 2 Action Figures – Sun:

For those of you keeping track, two of the three female characters from Lost so far given action figures are in bikinis. Naked Desmond figure still pending.

p. 192 – Spider-Man 3 [spoiler removed] Eddie Brock Statue:

Remember that slight brouhaha a few years back, when the soundtrack for Star Wars Episode I was released ahead of the film, and one of the track titles gave away a major character development? Here’s the Limited Collector’s Statue version of that. Funny that there’s a big ol’ spoiler in the title, while the image of the statue is blacked out. If you want to see the full uncensored title, here you go. (And yeah, I know, it’s not much of a spoiler, given how things usually work out in these films.)

p. 387, 390 – Pretty Face Volume 1 TP:

“He wanted to be her boyfriend…how did he end up as her twin sister?”

All right, that’s it…Japan, what the hell is going on over there?

p. 439 – Countdown Ray Palmer T-Shirt:

Given that the other Countdown t-shirts (“Jimmy Olsen Must Die,” “Seduction of the Innocent,” and “Darkseid Rules”) are a bit more on the confrontational/bizarrely amusing side, “The Search for Ray Palmer” seems a little out of place, a little less dynamic. “WHERE’S THE ATOM?” or “THE ATOM’S SPLIT” — okay, those aren’t so great, but you know what I mean. Hopefully.

p. 440 – Superman “Honor & Truth” Black T-Shirt:

Now that’s just trying too hard.

p. 473 – Star Trek Deep Space Nine Series 1 Action Figures:

What’s with the sudden push for DS9 merchandise? The trading cards I featured last month, these new action figures…there’s not really that much demand for DS9 stuff, is there? (Okay, maybe more than for, say, Voyager, but still….)

EDIT: Full disclosure – I have one of the 1993 Morn figures.

p. 485 – Shaman Mini-Bust:

p. 485 – Banshee Mini-Bust:

p. 494 – Star Wars Classics Kit Fisto Bust:

The only possible use of this statue is to give your friends reason to make fun of you. For God’s sake, don’t tell ’em the character’s name is “Fisto” — you’ll never hear the end of it.

p. 513 – The Art of Shunya Yamashita: Shion Fine Art Bust:

You know, usually these Japanese girly “fantasy hero” statues at least make a pretense at wearing some semblance of clothing.

p. 542 – 300 Dog Tags:

“The king has ordered for you to support the Spartan troops and the fight for freedom by proudly displaying these 300 epoxy dog tags around your neck.”

Part of the 300 Anachronism Merchandising Line, along with the 300 Wall Clock, the 300 Shooters, the 300 Mail Bag, and the 300 Watch with Tin, all also offered this month.

p. 545 – Star Wars Wacky Wobblers:

That’s enough. No more bobbleheads. Is that Darth Vader in his TIE fighter? Doe the TIE fighter bobble? Does Darth’s head bobble? Do both the TIE fighter and Darth have bobble action? THAT’S TOO MUCH BOBBLING. We don’t need any more bobblehead dolls of any kind, ever…except maybe for…

p. 551 – Black Jesus Bobblehead:

BOBBLE FOR YOUR SOULS, SINNERS.

Marvel Previews p. 4 – Captain America #25 Director’s Cut:

“The events in CAPTAIN AMERICA #25 have been covered in news outlets nationwide…”

“…And this new reprint is several months too late to take advantage of that days-long media-driven sales bump, as the general public has already forgotten about this ‘event,’ but we’re going to bring up the media coverage again anyway in an effort to inflate sales!”

Marvel Previews p. 4 – Civil War Chronicles #1:

“Experience CIVIL WAR and it’s [sic] major tie-ins from AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, FANTASTIC FOUR, FRON [sic] LINE and more in chronological order!”

Maybe this go-around the Civil War event will come out on schedule. Second time’s the charm!

This is a detail from a back cover ad on one of the many EC Comics we acquired recently.

BEAUCOUPKEVIN, NOOOOOO!

So in a comment left on my Sunday evening entry featuring a previously-unknown-to-me Spidey promo comic, Phillip was good enough to point me in the direction of Master Lock Presents: The Incredible Hulk, apparently available only through a mail-away offer. Again, this comic is new to me, and again, I totally want a copy.

According to the Grand Comic Book Database entry, the story involves one of the Kingpin’s men transporting some box locked by a Master Lock padlock, while encountering the Hulk and his super-pals (like Daredevil, Elektra, and Captain America) who all try to get this henchman to give up his criminal lifestyle. Having not seen the story in question, I am left wondering how the plugs for Master Lock’s fine products are worked into the narrative. I picture the henchman occasionally wondering about what’s in the box, except: “RATS! If only this weren’t locked with a high-quality, ‘tough under fire’ padlock! There’s no way I can cut through that hardened boron alloy!”

And I especially wonder how the Hulk fits into all this. “Hey, nice lock there, lemme see it…oops, I broke it, sorry.” That would kind of defeat the purpose, I think.

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Via Lady, That’s My Skull…Who Does Mary Love?

Well, naturally.

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Pal JP unloads more classic Golden Age cheese, featuring Lady Satan. Yes, that’s right, “Lady Satan.” Hey, kids, comics!

Just happened to spot this comic on the Grand Comic Book Database while researching something, and now there’s no Spider-Man comic I want more.

Amazing Spider-Man Battles Ignorance. Fantastic.

After meeting Citizen Steel, Peter suddenly felt the need to correct his inadequacies.

For some context, see Chris and pal Dorian for reasoned, and heavily-illustrated, responses (and responses to responses) to this cover. OH NOES GENITALS.

And be sure to check out Tim for his response as well.

Which reminds me…the thought occurred to me the other day that I’d like to see, just for curiosity’s sake, a porn comic drawn by Rob Liefeld. Y’know, just to see what he thinks that sort of thing would look like.

The specific title that jumped into my head was Rob Liefeld’s Black Kiss.

Now you’re all thinking about what that would be like, and I apologize.

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Hey, Tom…you need to start doing this site again.

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Regarding yesterday’s post: I’ve been waiting for months to post that, I’ll have you know.

And I’ve had a post ready for this coming Fourth of July since the end of last summer.

There’s a fine line between “good planning” and “sad obsession.”

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So we received that humongous promo poster for DC Comics’ next weekly series, Countdown:

It’s 72 inches wide, features just about every major DC hero (and a villain or two), and it’s a real bear to tape to the wall while precariously balancing oneself at the top of a ladder.

That image above is totally stolen from an eBay auction for this item. Yes, before the series is even out, people are unloading the promo for a few bucks on the eBay. Now, I’ve sold a few comic book promo posters online, but usually I wait until they’re about 7 to 10 years old, and thus out of date, before trying to get rid of them. Selling a promo poster before the series even debuts…that sorta defeats the purpose, I think.

Though I’ll have to admit…while I was perched on the ladder, trying to get that Countdown poster up, trying to keep it level, the thought did cross my mind that maybe it’d be simpler to just to sell the darned thing and be done with it.

Oh, wise and powerful Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes II mini-series, please gift me with your insight and your mystical knowledge and help me solve my life’s problems.

So, tell me, Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes II, will I be lucky in love?

Well, um…that’s kinda final, isn’t it? How ’bout work, then? How are my chances at getting ahead there?

That’s better than nothing, I suppose.

I’ve been having money problems, too. What should I do?

Well, duh. Then what?

Yeah, okay, fine, some help you are.

Maybe I should ask for a raise. What will my boss do if I do ask?

Yeah, well, I could have probably told you that.

Now, about my health…I’ve been having some unwanted weight gain…should I change my diet?

Hoo boy. This won’t cause me any problems, will it?

Swell.

Is there anything else the future holds for me?

Um, well…I guess that beats the alternative.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

You know, you’re not much of an oracle.

Same to you, buddy.

What it would be like to have Uatu the Watcher as a coworker:

“Hey, Uatu, I’m kinda busy here, could you…hey, Uatu, you listening? Could you get…I’m kinda tied up here, would you…okay, fine, I’ll get the phone.”

The Physics of Superheroes…the Death of Gwen Stacy explained:

“FUEL IS FOR LESSER MEN” — Magneto from the ’70s Fantastic Four cartoon (via):

“I almost became a dope, reading comic books…and I realize that is why I am now a little retarded” – Jerry Lewis as a victim of the corrupting influence of comic books from the 1955 film Artists and Models:

And here’s a comic that Jerry Lewis’ character might have read: “THE CHICKEN-HEARTED KILLER” presented by pal JP.

New funnybooks:

Swamp Thing reference in Justice League of America #8. UPDATE YOUR CHECKLISTS.

Marvel Adventures: Avengers #12, featuring “Ego the Loving Planet” is completely insane and wonderful. Ego is macking on the Earth, the Avengers are trying to prevent this love connection, and…it’s all really inappropriate and very funny.

It would take a lot to make me not want to read a Metal Men comic (I even read this series, which was terrible), but Superman/Batman #34, guest-starring said Metal Men, made me finally drop the series. Just looked so dreary and unpleasant.

DC’s four-issue-mini-in-one-week World War III is entirely unnecessary, and not really very good. Lots of awkward set-ups and repositionings of characters so that they’ll be in the states that they were in at the beginning of the whole post-Infinite Crisis “One Year Later” thing. And making a mopey Martian Manhunter the framework for the story, with the whole “I’ll never belong among the humans” back-of-hand-to-forehead despair that we’ve all seen before…yeah, didn’t really do anything for me.

Oddly, the new issue of 52, kicking off (and, er, wrapping up) the “World War III” event was actually not bad. And a damned sight more concise about it.

(Speaking of WWIII, I had one customer ask why we didn’t just bundle the four issues together, since that’s how everyone was going to buy it. True, most people bought all four issues, but some folks did buy just the first one or two, for budget reasons or “just to see if it was any good.” And I had one fellow buy just #4…when I asked him about it, he explained that since it was the last issue of the series, that’s where all the action would be, so he decided to skip all the setup and go straight to the payoff. Had I read the comics beforehand, maybe I could have warned him.)

Army@Love #2 – I’m sure this was filled with the usual Rick Veitch goodness, but our distributor saw fit to short us our order on this title, and send us an equal amount of the Marvel Spotlight: Spider-Man’s Wearing His Black Costume Again, Which Coincidentally He’s Also Wearing in The New Big Budget Movie Coming Soon one-shot in its place. Not a fair trade, frankly.

Fantagraphics comes to the rescue with Love & Rockets #19 and Mark Martin’s Runaway Comic #3…good, solid chunks of expert cartooning.

From Pantheon Books comes the Alias the Cat hardcover, collecting the three-issue semi-annual series by Kim Deitch about his search for the truth behind the titular cartoon character/movie star/costumed superhero. It’s strange, almost surreal, but entirely wonderful, as is all of Deitch’s work. The hardcover doesn’t appear to have any new material (aside from the full-color endpapers), but it does make for a handsome package…worth buying even if you have the original comics.

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In other news:

That strip I discussed yesterday, featuring an apparent caricature of comedian Patton Oswalt, is presented for discussion on a message board frequented by Oswalt himself.

And that brings me to a brief discussion (1/3 down the page) of Watchmen by Dirk Deppey, who counters Toupydoops‘ assertion that Moore & Gibbons’ book is overrated. I’ve said repeatedly that Watchmen is not a superhero book, but rather a book about superheroes, about what works in the superhero genre and (mostly) what doesn’t work. The difference between the two positions, I think, will become even more pronounced if/when the Watchmen movie is released, and it’s just another X-Men-style punch-em-up. Which will be a shame, because the public has seen enough superhero movies by now that a Watchmen movie deconstructing superhero movie clichés in the same way the comic took on comic book clichés would be a translation keeping in the spirit of the original, and possibly not confuse the general audience. But I’m not holding my breath.

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This college news website story about Brad Meltzer’s Justice League of America run strikes me as…odd, somehow. I don’t know if it’s the presented factoid of “Starro is a giant starfish who tries to use his mind-controlling powers to conquer Earth,” or Newsarama being called “NewARama.com,” or the article being signed off with “until next time true believers this is comic book boy saying ‘Take care!'”

Or this quote:

“Meltzer grew up reading Justice League, which was why he wanted to write this re-launch. In an interview with NewARama.com, Meltzer said, ‘I so wanted to do this. I loved it. Just like I loved it when Marvel did it.'”

When Marvel did what, exactly? Relaunch Justice League? Or does “it” refer to just “making comics in general?” The article gives no clue.

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“The pitfalls of tangling with a superhero – Why are blue-chip actors like Edward Norton signing up to appear in lycra?”

“What seems to be happening is that the actors themselves are being duped into thinking that these are roles of Shakespearean complexity. Blame the unstoppable rise of the modern graphic novel. Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns and Alan Moore’s Watchmen opened up comic books to a wider audience by adding a dash of realism to the fantasy world. Directors have taken this as a green light to slap large helpings of human suffering and emotional torment on top of any comic book material that comes along, to the delight of a succession of quality actors. Sadly for everyone else, the only people who want to see a miserable superhero are the actors and directors themselves.”

Here are just a few “SNIKT!” and “THWIPP!” cards from the Marvel Monopoly game:

So, how much is Marvel stock worth nowadays?

I see optimists wrote the text for this next card. “Hey, how much can I get for my run of Force Works?” “Um…if I give you a dollar will you take them away from our store?”

Now, this next card:

Which Doctor Strange #71? This one, with the Paul Smith art, or this one, with work by Peter Gross?

I so wanted to find a card with this image, only with Iron Man, given the whole Civil War thing one or two of you might have heard about:

And here, have yourself a little more nightmare fuel with Mr. Monopoly (formerly “Rich Uncle Pennybags”) dressed as the Green Goblin:

What Uncle Pennybags gets up to in his free time is really his own business.