We join the 25th century, which is already in progress, in a space observation center, where “nearby sectors of space are constantly monitored.” And this monitoring has turned up something…unusual:
It’s identified as “an old-style Earth bomb,” which looks like a huge ol’ jungle gym:
…And Captain Buck Rogers and Colonel Wilma Deering are on the case, zipping towards the massive construct in their space jets. Wilma makes her approach, only to discover that the bomb has ways of defending itself:
Buck and the world’s most annoying robot, Twiki, take a different approach, leaving the ship behind and using a potentially dangerous handheld jet to zip ’em over to the artifact, presumably under the impression that a defense system that so easily deflected a spacecraft couldn’t possibly do anything to a guy in a spacesuit and his robot hitchhiker:
Oh shut up, Twiki.
Anyway, as soon as they’re on the bomb, the defenses once again spring into life! Buck and Twiki evade the laser attack by, apparently, jumping faster than the speed of light:
They then jump to a door, in order to draw the laser fire to that door in order to blast it open:
Oh shut up, Twiki.
Buck’s plan works, as the lasers destroy the door and giving Buck and Twiki access to the corridor beyond, even though the entire construct is apparently comprised of open latticework that they easily could have climbed through.
As they make their way through the artifact, avoiding electrified catwalks and a solid steel cage that, coincidentally, was perfectly sized to catch Twiki, they find themselves on a long catwalk that appears open. Open, that is, except for some large “coffin”-shaped boxes. As they approach, the boxes open, revealing:
Robots with swords.
ROBOTS WITH SWORDS.
ROBOTS WITH SWORDS.
Fantastic. Well, I suppose the robots couldn’t be armed with projectile or laser weapons, to avoid damaging the bomb, but, um, everything else on the ship fires lasers or (as we’ll see) projectiles, so there goes that explanation, I guess.
Well, doesn’t matter, because ROBOTS WITH SWORDS!
Anyway, after some swash-Buck-ling (sorry) swordfighting, the robots are defeated and Buck and Twiki face more lasers and, get this, a giant falling blade:
Oh shut up, Twiki.
Nearing the end of their search, Buck and Twiki find themselves in a hall of mirrors, which absorb laser blasts and, when probed with a pipe, seems to hold the pipe fast, “hanging in space on the other side” as Buck says.
Previous vistors to the bomb encountering the mirror hall were less cautious (didn’t I see something like this in a Dungeons & Dragons campaign somewhere?):
Passing though the mirrored corridor, they find themselves in view of the detonation box…but as they approach, they hear a ticking noise in the vacuum of space. Apparently they’ve set off a timer, which will cause the artifact to explode!
As they rush to the deactivate the bomb, they suddenly find themselves under fire, not from lasers, but from, of all things, bullets! Buck’s ankle is lightly grazed by a bullet and he immediately collapses, the wuss:
Buck bravely sends Twiki ahead while he nurses his bruise. (I mean, c’mon…okay, you and me, we’d drop like a load of sand if we got shot in the ankle, but what kind of hero lets something like that slow him down? Geez.) Twiki busts open the detonator’s case, but doesn’t know which wires to cut. At first, Buck doesn’t seem to know how to help, but suddenly:
And Twiki does as he’s told, and the day is saved. But how did Buck…well, I’ll let Twiki ask, I guess:
Yes, it’s as I’ve always figured…whenever I paid my AT&T bill, I was funding the future construction of huge jungle gym-shaped space bombs populated by laser and projectile guns, giant blades, electrified floors, magical mirror traps, and, lest we forget, ROBOTS WITH SWORDS.
Well, if we’re gonna get robots with swords, I suppose I’m okay with it.
And shut up, Twiki.
“He’d be like a 7 foot (arms up) tack in Godzilla’s foot. Now that’s a pain that makes one truely lose.”
