How Iron Man 2 could have been improved.

(TONY STARK is at the congressional hearing, being grilled about the Iron Man suit by Senator Stern.)

STERN: “Mr. Stark, it is of utmost importance that the Iron Man suit be turned over to the military immediately.”

STARK: “Sorry, that’s not going to happen –”

(STARK is interrupted by a beeping from his super high-tech phone thingie.)

STARK: “Whoa, Ultimo is tearing up downtown. Gotta go. Hold that thought.”

(A couple of minutes later:)


(A few minutes later, back at the hearing.)

STARK: “Whew boy, that was somethin’. Okay, where were we?”

• • •

(NICK FURY and STARK are seated in the patio area, HOWARD STARK’s storage box between them.)

FURY: “Now, this box might be of interest to you. It belonged to your father, and inside….”

STARK: “Hey, hold on now…is that Blizzard out there over the ocean? Man, that guy really cheeses me off. I’ll be right back.”

FURY: “Stark, don’t you dare–!”


STARK: “Okay, that was taken care of. Sorry about that. …What were you saying?”

FURY: “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

• • •

(STARK and JIM RHODES are in their respective armors, waiting for the arrival of Vanko and his drone army.)

STARK: “Oh, hey, Rhodey, just received a message that the Blood Brothers are back in town. Can you handle Vanko and pals while I take care of this?”

RHODEY: “Wait, what?”

(A couple of minutes later:)


(Cut to RHODEY fighting Vanko and the drones.)

RHODEY: “Hey, Tony? Where are you, buddy? Could use a hand here! …Hello?”

images from Iron Man #87 (June 1976) by Bill Mantlo, George Tuska & Vince Colletta; Iron Man #88 (July 1976) by Archie Goodwin, Tuska & Colletta; Iron Man #96 (March 1977) by Mantlo, Tuska & Jack Abel.

And now…some Batman items on the eBay.


Image from the eBay auction titled “Fantasy Mask, Similar to Batman” — why, yes, that is quite similar.

Here is a permutation of the “Got Milk?” campaign that I never quite expected. (But you can have Batman Beyond right now, in the current Superman/Batman annual, now on sale!)

What the hell is Killer Croc wielding, there? “BEHOLD MY CLAWED PERISCOPE OF DEATH, BATMAN!”

I have to say I’m very disappointed in the search results for Batman in the Specialty Services category. “WINNING BIDDER WILL HAVE ME AS THEIR PERSONAL BATMAN FOR THE DAY.” That’s what I was hoping to see.

So is the stain part of the design or is it, just, you know…stained?

I would so totally lose fingers on this double-bladed Bat-knife. I like how “Batman” is just etched on the belt clip.

I don’t know why offering just a single Joker’s Henchman Lego figure makes me laugh, but it really does. I mean, it could be a rare item for all I know.

“18 Tongue Ring Playboy Batman Ganja Skull Logo Whistle” – sadly, these are descriptions of different tongue rings, not all the same tongue ring. “GANJA PLAYBOY BATMAN SKULL TO THE RESCUE! tweeet tweeet!”

“I Believe in Batman” — don’t we all, friend…don’t we all.

So I finally got around to seeing Iron Man 2.

(SPOILERS AHEAD, like you all haven’t seen it already)

Yeah, I know, I’m like the last person on the planet to see it…or at least it feels that way, given the number of conversations about the movie I’ve had to avoid at the shop over the last couple of weeks. But, I finally got in there Saturday night, with a surprisingly large crowd, and…well, the film was okay. I did enjoy it, but it’s not really a patch on the first film. Once or twice early on in the flick, I found myself thinking “why is the movie showing me this instead of more scenes of Iron Man doing something awesome?” Okay, I know it was necessary character set-up stuff for future plot events, but still, it seemed like there was a little more forward momentum and…”spark,” I guess, to similar scenes in the first film.

When you actually count out the number of Iron Man action scenes in this film, there really aren’t that many, and I’m not sure if I’d count the very uncomfortable bit of business with Tony acting like a buffoon at his party (though it does set up how Tony and Rhodey are able to defeat the bad guy at the end). I’d heard some complaints about the climactic battle being hard to follow, but I didn’t have any trouble (and I usually am the first to complain when a film’s action sequence is poorly directed).

And I had heard comments from folks about having yet another bad guy with a Bigger, Badder Iron Man suit for our heroes to fight, and…yeah, they should probably change it up a bit for the next movie. I’m pulling for Living Laser, myself. Though I’d die if it was MODOK.

Oh, and hello, Sir Scene-in-The-Trailer-And-Not-Appearing-in-This-Movie:


Supporting cast was strong: every time Sam Jackson shows up in a Marvel movie as Nick Fury, it’s a hoot, and I can’t wait for his version of Fury to get a meatier part in some future film. (Though Fury gets plenty of screentime this time around.) Plus, Sam Rockwell is suitably slimy and obnoxious as Stark’s competitor Justin Hammer, and Mickey Rourke is quite the imposing presence as Ivan Vanko. Also, I seem to remember hearing gripes about Gwyneth Paltrow’s Pepper Potts and her particular storyline in this film. Aside from being more scenes that aren’t Iron Man doing cool things, I didn’t see any particular problem with her arc, especially as its purpose was to show how Tony reacts to it. What was your exact beef, gentlemen?

By the by…so decades ago, Poppa Stark hid the description of a secret element for his son to later find, and it just happened to be the right element to solve Tony’s current health/power generator issues? …Sure, why not. I did figure the city layout was a hidden message to Tony from his father early on, but I thought it was going to reveal plans for a circuit board. I mean, it did look like one, right? A bit? Somewhat?

And yes, there was that bit of business at the end of the film, after the credits…and I do wish they had inserted the scene, like, a minute or two into the credits instead of at the very end, because man, sitting there and waiting is a drag.

But there was the scene, and the few other suckers audience members who waited it out cheered when they saw the hammer, and at least one guy exclaiming “it’s Thor!” I also overheard someone explaining to his friends what the significance of the hammer was, using Adventures in Babysitting as part of said explanation. I thoroughly approve of this.

Also, I’m glad I was going out of my way to see or read anything about the film ahead of time, because man, when I was going through the trailer to pick out images as my “spoiler borders,” it’s like the entire film was in it. It’s almost Disney trailer-esque in its reveals.

But most importantly…just how fantastic was Garry Shandling in this movie?


“Very fantastic” is the correct answer.

Don’t ask.




“This calls for my rarely-used power of fist growth!”


“You’d think if I was going to buy 500 identical outfits so I can wear
the same thing to school every single day, I’d have picked an outfit
that wasn’t so itchy.”


“WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?”


Kryptonian dogs had evolved far beyond their terrestrial counterparts,
with advanced intellects, opposable thumbs, and the ability to walk
on their hind legs. They still enjoyed peeing on everything in sight,
because hey, who doesn’t?


“I’ve had it with this stupid one-horse town. Especially when that
horse turned out to be yet another super-villain gunnin’
for Superboy. I mean, c’mon, give me a break, here.”


BEHOLD THE TOMATOES OF PA KENT


BEHOLD THE WONDERS OF MA KENT’S PIE

I realize I’m also contributing to the advertising, but at least I’m not really paying anything to do so.

So the Season 9 finale of Smallville aired last week, and the prologue for that episode featured a flash-forward to the year 2013, where Lois is a full-fledged reporter for the Daily Planet, Perry White is the Chief, and Clark is off to a super-rescue, diverting a plane from a collision course with the Planet building:


A closer look at what’s going on in the reflection, there:


And enjoy it, because that’s probably all we’ll get of Clark Kent in the costume until, as has been stated by folks on the show, the very end. An end that’s finally in sight, as the news is now out that the show is wrapping up next season.

What I am hoping for is that we get an episode or two (or maybe a two-hour series finale) of some honest-to-goodness Superman action rather than just a closing shot of Clark finally donning the familiar togs. That would be, I think, the proper payoff for 10 years of meandering and teasing and hints at his “ultimate destiny.” It’d be nice if Michael Rosenbaum would come back to reprise his role as Lex Luthor for the last episode, but I suspect they couldn’t pay him enough to shave his head again.

And while the show did improve a bit in the last couple of years…yeah, it’s goofy, but it’s a fun goofy, but I think enough’s enough at this point. It was probably enough several points ago. Plus, after this last year with Zod as the primary antagonist, I don’t think I ever need to hear the phrase “kneel…before Zod” ever again. Sorry, General.

Actress Allison Mack, who portrays the popular supporting character “Chloe Sullivan” (who has never made an appearance in the regular Superman comics, despite the occasional announcement), is apparently scaling back her participation in the final season, which may disappoint the folks who made this commercial.* I remember very early on thinking the eventual reveal would be that Chloe, to separate herself from her tabloid-esque beginnings, would change her professional name to “Lois Lane.” Luckily I don’t have a day job doing psychic predictions, though my accuracy rate is about the same.

So anyway…sorry to see you go, Smallville, but not too sorry. It is going to be a bit strange after next season to not have Smallville to kick around anymore, though I imagine there are plenty of people out there who probably thought it ended years ago.

Another superhero show that’s shuffled off this mortal coil is Heroes, which will not be returning next season, and nobody seems particularly torn up about it. Well, I suspect the cast and crew aren’t terribly pleased. And it is a bit of a shame, I think, since this last season was actually pretty good, with a creepy and occasionally oddly sympathetic antagonist (which resulted in this lawsuit, by the way).

I liked the cast, I like the interactions of the characters, and while the plots and events were pretty familiar to anyone who’s ever read a comic book ever, it was still fun to see it all played out in live action. There’s maybe a slight chance of a wrap-up movie to conclude everything, which would be nice (and probably would help the chances of continuing DVD sales, if people know there’s an actual conclusion to the story), but I’m not holding my breath.

• • •

Max Huffman, creator of the most excellent webcomic Mocktopus, needs help, as the laptop he uses to produce his comics has kicked the bucket, and needs a new one to continue gifting us with his art. If you go to this Kickstarter page, you can contribute to the cause and, for your trouble, get cool stuff! For a ridiculously low $5, you’ll get a signed custom sketch! (I’m totally asking for Swamp Thing.) So go help the kid out…he’s a good guy who does funny comics, and I’m sure we’d all would like to read more of them.

* I may have also contributed a bit of commentary about the commercial to pal Dorian‘s News Briefs over at the Bureau Chiefs site.

1. Yes, it was a good series. 2. No, it wasn’t hard to understand.

Here’s another promotional badge (dated 1998) I never actually got around to wearing:


People still asked me about the series back then anyway. You can still ask me about it now, if you want, though keep in mind I haven’t read it in several years.

• • •

So The Bureau Chiefs, the crew behind Fake AP Stylebook, have finally started up an online store where you can buy shirts, mugs, buttons, and stickers featuring many popular Fake AP entries. (Including that one about “ATM Machines,” which I may have been responsible for.) Order often, order lots…I stand to make upwards of tens of cents off these things, so buy, buy, buy! More designs coming soon!

Life’s a never-ending wheel.

So there I was, back in the mid-1980s, going with my friend Eric to pop into the local record store to buy a Dio album. Afterward, sitting in Eric’s car as we were headed back to his house, I decided to pull the record…yes, “record,” an actual platter inside a large cardboard sleeve…out of the bag to get a look at the cover art:


“My, that’s certainly something,” thought mid-80s Mike to himself.

I was not a diehard fan of Mr. Ronnie James Dio in that I didn’t loyally buy every single album he released, but I did appreciate his talent and songs from those two early albums, Holy Diver and The Last in Line, still remain constantly-replayed favorites on the ol’ iPod.

And this video…this video. I saw it all of once back in the ’80s, and never saw it again until I thought about searching for it on the YouTube, but for whatever reason, images from this particular music video remained stuck in my head for years. I mean, sure it’s completely ridiculous, and it looks like it had a budget of about three bucks:


…but it had Dio shocking a cyborg in the crotch with his handheld bug zapper, and friends, it doesn’t get much better than that. (Also, I think Star Trek: The Next Generation owes a wee bit of the Borg’s visuals to that video.)

So long, RJD. You contributed some much loved songs to the soundtrack of my life, and for that I’ll always be appreciative.

Now I just need to get the other 999 to complete my set.

Here’s another item picked up for me at a San Diego Comic Con from some years back…the Hellboy Convention Sketchbook, copyrighted 2001:


Digest-sized, 24 black and white pages plus covers, hand-signed in pencil on the first page by Mike Mignola, numbered 652/1000. Each page features a single illustration of Hellboy.

Mostly I’m just posting these Hellboy items to make Hellboy Fan #1 Employee Aaron jealous.

But partially I’m posting them because I’m having some slight back trouble again…not as bad as last time, thankfully, but sitting in front of a computer and typing is not the most comfortable thing at the moment. So please excuse my Low Content Hellboy Week as I recuperate.