Sir, I would like to see documentation of at least twelve of those seventeen ways.
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Happy Fourth of July, where applicable!
If you’re among the folks who celebrate the Fourth, I certainly hope you have a fun and relaxing day. And, if you’re anything like me, you’ll be celebrating Independence Day in that most patriotic of t-shirts:
…while speeding around city streets and hanging with your pal Huggy Bear, as our country’s forefathers intended.
Happy Fourth of July, or happy Wednesday for you international types, and I’ll see you…Thursday? Friday? One of those days.
Let’s all enjoy some aggressive marketing via DC Comics bookmarks from 2006.
Well, sure, Batman’s isn’t too far off the mark:
And Wonder Woman’s is…well, okay, she is a warrior, so I guess this one can slide:
…but this one doesn’t feel very…Superman-y, you’d have to admit:
And this one makes me laugh, because I’m a bad person:
In comparison, the Green Lantern one felt a bit tame:
…so I decided to do a little copy editing:
And yet, strangely, still in character!
It says “pucker.”
1. “Anything in your online Britanica [sic],” they mean.
2. Man, what did Heidi ever do to them? “Hey, yeah, take that, the Swiss!” (Well, okay, maybe this.)
3. Remember when bippies roamed the earth, and the betting thereof was repeatedly encouraged? Thankfully, a bippy-based economy never took hold.
4. All in all, I’m frankly not sold on this unholy amalgamation of “nutty stickers” and “daisies.” SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE, MODERN TECHNOLOGY?
back cover ad from Teen-In #3 (Summer 1969)
Frankly, I could use a bit of “The Wonder Touch.”
I can only assume the “magne power ring” has the ability to summon founding A-Ha member Magne “Mags” Furuholmen. Or else it’s a typo and it cause mange, which would be terrible. Or perhaps it’s a manga power ring with the ability to make teenagers park ‘n’ read in bookstore aisles.
“Sense extension” is also intriguing, like, I don’t know, being able to smell around distant corners, or hear things like aphids screaming. Common sense extension would be practical, because who couldn’t think of a few people who could use a little of that.
Also, “Natural super powers” seems a bit self-contradictory.
ADDITIONAL READING:
This interview with Lord of the Rings fight stylist Tony Wolf mentions the above ad (or at least, a similar one), and what Mr. Wolf received when he sent away for it.
advertisement from Justice League of America #160 (November 1978)
A really realistic reaction would have been Fred killing passerby, smashing things with a club, and possibly soiling himself.
So the Great Gazoo is, well, showing off to Fred and Barney about how he knows what life is going to be like in the future of the Flinstoneverse. Well, yes, we all know that the Flintsoneverse eventually evolves into, and crosses over with, the Jetsonverse, and that at some point the Flintstones and the Rubbles travel through time to visit the 1964 World’s Fair, so Fred and Barney should be no strangers to time travel. But when Gazoo offers them a peek into tomorrow, Barney chickens out and settles for asking Fred to get him a present:
Or perhaps Barney didn’t trust that rickety ol’ time travel machine. Or Barney recalls those other time travel adventures and figures enough’s enough…assuming this story takes place after those stories, and that anyone remembers anything about whatever time travel adventures they did have…man, I don’t know. Time travel is complicated.
Anyway, Fred and the Great Gazoo zip into the 20th century, and Fred sees things like airplanes and cars and boats and supermarkets and dancing and other things I’m pretty sure existed back in Fred’s time, only not quite as dinosaur and / or foot-powered. However, I find Fred’s reaction to this particular future invention to be somewhat realistic:
And then Fred wonders about this other modern innovation:
Well, despite the fact that Fred obviously didn’t care for all that smoke, when it came time to pick a little gift to bring back to the past and share with Barney, guess what Fred chose?
Hmmm…that’s not quite the attitude Fred and Barney had about smoking early on!
Of course, modern days smokes are probably a little more potent, and likely too overwhelming for caveman lungs. You may want to consult a scientist for further information about this topic…the topic, of course, being smoking cavemen, time-traveling aliens, and, um, man and dinosaurs coexisting, which really doesn’t come up in this story, but let’s face it, that needs some explaining.
images from The Great Gazoo #2 (October 1973)
“Sit on it in a dynamite Fonz t-shirt.”
That’s a terrible come-on. Especially since I first read it as “sit on dynamite,” which, I’m sure, can only be taken as a positive statement in very specific circumstances:
Also of note: the rare appearance of the “Kotter Kids” alternative nomenclature for the Sweathogs, surely used to spare the sensitive the emotional affront of “sweat” and “hogs” mixed together into an unholy union; plus a shocking glimpse into the competitive world of mood ring price wars.
And, please, friends, if you can…close your eyes and picture in your mind the magnificent beauty of that Fonz design on a bright orange t-shirt. …You’re welcome.
