Mikester

So, happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans, happy Thursday to everyone else, and let’s dig right into a tasty plateful of fine products as seen in the new Diamond Previews catalog (Dec. 2006). (If you want to see previous installments of “The End of Civilization,” I finally put the links in the sidebar, instead of dumping them in this post.)

p. 52 – Hot Stuff merchandise:

Hot Stuff, once a popular Harvey Comics character, now primarily exists only as tchotchkes and gewgaws. I wonder how many years away we are from, say, Spider-Man and Batman existing only as merchandise, their comic book origins long forgotten? (They’re pretty close to it as it is, frankly.)

p. 71 – All-New Atom #8:

No pic, because I want you to go to pal Dorian’s post on the matter (about halfway down the page). Basically, unless there’s some minor editing or careful placement of cover blurbs, we’re getting a penis (or, at least, a cross-section of same) on a DC comic cover.

p. 124-125 – DC Minimates:

Green Arrow makes out okay:

Power Girl…mmmm, not so much:

And Blue Beetle’s little plastic bubble eyes disturb me:

p. 127 – Women of the DC Universe Big Barda Bust:

The mature adult Mikester thought about passing on yet another obvious joke, but the 12-year-old Mikester can’t help but snicker at “‘Big Barda Bust,’ tee hee.” So there it is, for the rest of you 12-year-olds out there.

p. 272 – Superman “Lucky 21” Starter Set:

“This collection contains a random selection of signed and unsigned comic books, plus two (2) randomly chosen signed DC Comics! For the full-time collector – or for anyone who wants to dive right in and immerse themselves in the world of comic books – this collection is for you!”

“Here are a bunch of overstock comics we got stuck with, and the only way we can get rid of them is by blowing them out in ‘mystery packs,’ because if you knew what you were actually getting, there’s no way you’d drop twenty bones on it.”

p. 398 – Punisher “Eroded Pride” T-Shirt:

“Eroded Pride?”

p. 410 – Gwar Action Figures:

If these figures don’t spit out blood and, um, other bodily fluids, as Gwar themselves have been known to do during their calm and demure live shows, then I’m going to be terribly disappointed.

p. 410 – H.P. Lovecraft’s Series 1 Previews Exclusive Black Cthulhu Action Figures:

“Who’s the black Great Old One
That’s a death machine to all the chicks?
(Black Cthulhu!)
You’re damned right….”

p. 422 – Tonner Harry Potter Collector Dolls:

“…All dolls have hand-painted face details (including Harry’s scar) and wear a white shirt and tie underneath a custom knit sweater with flannel pants, all under the school robe with school crest decal. They also each come with a wand, socks, shoes, and custom stand.”

For some reason, Harry Potter dolls with (presumably) removable clothes make me nervous.

p. 436 – Star Trek The Original Series – “City on the Edge of Forever” 40th Anniversary Statue:

And now, the Greatest Star Trek Statue Ever:

If that photo of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy is removable, this could double as a Guardian of Forever photo frame. For extra nerdy Trek fun, replace that photo with one of Harlan Ellison.

p. 439 – Witchblade Anime “Masane Amaha” PVC Statue:

“Masane Amaha is the lead character (and blade-wielder) of Witchblade, an anime series based on the famous American comics series. Instead of a straight adaptation of the original series, the Japanese producers decided to create an entirely new scenario, with all new characters and situations.”

Hmmm…I can’t say that it’s entirely new:

Seems like it has pretty much the same raison d’etre to me.

p. 458 – Betty Boop T-Shirt w/Bobble Head Set:

Looks like they finally found a way to move all those shelf-warming bobble heads…in case you can’t read the package, it’s the shirt that’s being sold, with the bobble head as a “free” bonus. (There’s a Family Guy set like this later in the catalogue.)

p. 462 – Marvel Heroes & Villains Jumbo Plushes:

I was going to make a comment about the cute, plushy mass-murdering Venom doll, but then I read the solicitation info:

“If you like to do things big, then that includes your assemble [sic] of friends. You don’t let in just anybody to your private party. He or she that enters the room has a VIP pass. Only the big boys and girls are allowed through the gate, and that includes these big Marvel heroes!”

That’s a rich fantasy life going on there.

p. 466 – 300 Prop Replicas:

Pictured: the Spartan Helmet. Also pictured: one happy guy modeling the helmet.

p. 472 – Almighty Heroes Pre-school Action Figures:

“This first assortment of Almighty Heroes pre-school action figures features a quartet of the Bible’s greatest heroes – David, Moses, Noah and Samson – all redesigned to look like modern action heroes!”

You know, I don’t think I really pictured Noah looking like that. Moses, yes, but not Noah.

Marvel Previews, p. 21 (among others) – Black Panther #25:

Okay, I can understand not wanting to spoil secret details for forthcoming storylines, and I suppose with the info we’re given (creative teams, the cover) and the info we already have (our cycle sheets with past sales performance), we can still plan our orders accordingly. But, still, this is just a tad annoying.

Marvel Previews, p. 36 – Immortal Iron Fist #1 Director’s Cut:

Hey, nice of Marvel to announce this item ahead of the release of the regular edition of Immortal Iron Fist. Now all you folks know you can pass on the regular edition when it comes out, and save your money for the Director’s Cut with the extra material. Thanks, Marvel!

“Giving Batman a superpower”

“Okay, here’s the drill: DC comes to you and says, ‘We’re giving Batman ONE superpower. No whining, it’s a done deal. He’s going to be a meta-human from now on. But it’s up to YOU to decide which power he gets. Choose.’ Which power should he have?”

“The power to read minds so he knows which criminals are guilty.”

“…Batman’s intelligence already is practically a superpower. He’s much smarter than is possible for any non-fictional real world person. His other superpower is his endless supply of money. Batman has already spent more money on his war on crime than Bill Gates will ever have over the course of his entire life.”

“He wouldn’t age. Not immortal — he could still be killed by gunshots, etc., but he wouldn’t age. Same thing Wonder Woman has going on.”

“I’d say f*ck you and your stupid ideas Didio. I’m gone.”

“Immortality. That way we can put an end to using BATMAN as an example of why the “Legacy” heroes don’t work.”

This one is my favorite:

“I have toyed with a story line where Prof. Strange transplants a metagene in Batman. When the gene activates, Bruce generates a glowing field of white light. It isn’t bright enough to really be useful, and it would be intanglable, offering no protection. It would set just above any covering, so he could never cover it up. Imagine the problems it would give him. He wouldn’t be able to be Batman or Bruce. This would put him on a quest for a ‘cure’ that would take him to Lex Luthor, STAR LABS, Dr. Midnite, etc. Eventually, he would be cured, but it would make for a fun story arc.”

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“ATTN: any bloggers who have ongoing fights with eachother”

He means “message boarders” when he says “bloggers,” but you’ll get the idea:

“i havent been on these boards in a while, and while i love discussing comics and reading other fans opinions, all id found all night was people arguing with eachother all over these boards. under any topic about absolutely anything. basically i was already getting sick and tired of reading comments from guys who cant get laid for $h!t and are so ridiculed in their daily lives by there peers they vent frustrations at eachother from the safety of their own homes behind alias’s and their computer screens.
whether you like wally, barry, jay or bart, we all love comic books. they are fantacy stories…. who the hell cares about numbers and sales. you are all so boring. if you dont like a title, fine! if youd like, discuss, but do so in a civilized manner. clearly you all have tough times socializing that you spend so much energy attacking eachother here. some people just like to be miserable. clearly most of you do too, otherwise youd be blogging under forums for titles you DO enjoy.
its very sad that some people here are so chronically miserable that they have found a way to complain about a HOBBY! reading comic books isnt a job aand it isnt a responsibility. it is out collective hobby that we choose to spend our hard earned money on. if you all hate it so much, perhaps you should collect baseball cards or something instead.
please dont respond to this with arguments back to me explaining why im wrong and you, in your pimply faced virgin glory, are right. in case your retarded, im clearly not interested in reading your responses. if anyone agrees, feel free to holla back and we can discuss are love for comics in our own blogs elsewhere on these boards.”

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“Batgirl is dumb”

“Batgirl is dumb”

• So the other day, as we’re processing that large collection of ’70s comics I’d mentioned previously, employee Aaron pointed to a cover of Pebbles and Bam-Bam (based on this cartoon) and asked….

  Aaron: “Hey, Mike, who’s this character?”

  Me: “Oh, that’s Schleprock.”

  Aaron. “Schleprock, huh? Okay, thanks.”

  Me: “WHY DO I KNOW THIS?”

  Okay, that’s not a terribly obscure bit of trivia of anything. But it just reminded me that one of the side effects of selling funnybooks for a living is that memories of childhood ephemera don’t fade into vague impressions and mental background noise. They remain fresh and clear and almost certainly occupying that part of the brain that could be of more use, say, keeping track of your home mortgage’s impound account. Ah, well, the price one pays…..

• Speaking of childhood memories, I wish I could wipe my mind of this:
  
  This is from 1968, though Archie cartoons were created and rerun through the ’70s, and they were all just as annoying. I dare you to listen to Jughead’s voice (at the 40 second mark) and not want to put a fist through your monitor.

  And whoever had the soul-withering idea to add laugh tracks to cartoons…gaaaah, it’s too much to bear.

• I saw someone point out that there’s a splash page in the latest issue of Civil War where one character is holding another character, beaten and battered, in his arms, while standing in a doorway. The drawing has the notation “after Keown” — i.e. Dale Keown, who drew a similar image during his run on Incredible Hulk.

  So there’s only one way that particular scene could have been drawn? I mean, all you needed to do is, say, shift the camera angle a tad, and viola, “homage” no longer required. Just seemed a bit odd to me, is all.

• Okay, that said…I kinda like the idea of that character returning to the Marvel Universe and interacting with superheroes. Well, I like it in theory, anyway, in some odd, nostalgic way, and not in a “oh, boy, I can’t wait to buy another series starring that character” way.
• It’s no secret which character I’m talking about, is it? No, not “U.S. War Machine.”
• Dear customer: even if I did know the phone number of a particular Big Name Funnybook Artist, I’m not going to give it to you so you can call him at, most likely, 3 in the morning and pitch your “great” ideas.
• One of the things I miss about having pal Dorian working at the store is the ability to immediately show him crazy comics the second I come across them in any collections I’m processing. Now I have to wait for him to turn up at the shop to get his comics, and I have to remember which comics I wanted to show him that I’d seen earlier in the week, and…heck, sometimes it’s just easier to scan everything and let him see ’em on my site.
• For your information, the soundtrack CD for the new Tenacious D movie isn’t work-safe. Just sayin’.*
• As pal Dorian and I were talking the other day about, well, comics…I know, big surprise…I realized that we no longer have people asking about the extremely late and I’m not convinced will ever actually finish Ultimate Hulk Vs. Wolverine mini-series. The fans have given up hope, their spirits broken, shattered, faded mockeries of their former selves, wandering the comic shop aisles with a vague unease over that one series, from so long ago, the name of which they can no longer remember, which remains uncompleted to this very day.

  Or they just shrugged their shoulders, said “eh, typical,” and soldiered on to the next late, hot series.

• Can’t resist these image-“memes,” even when I should. My contribution to Beaucoupkevin‘s:
  
  EDIT: More Validus pics here.

* Yes, I knew that before I even put the CD in the player. No, I didn’t play it while customers** were in the store.

** Dorian doesn’t count.

Person on the phone: “I’ve lived in Ventura all my life, and I have your address here, but I’m not sure where you are. Can you give me an idea where you’re at?”

Me: “Sure…we’re near the corner of Seaward and Main Street.”

P.O.T.P.: “Okay, where is that? What are you near?”

Me: “Um…there’s a cleaners on the corner, we’re right across the street from the huge bike shop, we’re next door to the optometrist….”

P.O.T.P.: “I’m still not sure where you’re at. Is there anything else you’re near?”

Me: “We’re on the other side of Seaward from Ventura High School.”

P.O.T.P.: “Hmmmm, okay, I’m still not sure where you’re at. I’m on Main Street now, by the Target…are you far from there?”

Me: “We’re just a couple miles away. Keep driving down Main, like you’re driving toward Santa Barbara, and we’ll be on the right hand side of the street. If you hit the Seaward intersection, you’ve just passed us.”

P.O.T.P.: “Well, I hope I can find you.”

Me: “Well, since you said you have the address, and you’re already on this street, just drive along Main, which is the main drag through town, which is a fairly straight and uncomplicated thoroughfare, which should be entirely familiar to anyone who’s lived in this town for all their lives, and follow the street numbers on the buildings until you get to the ones that are close to the address you have for us. It’s really not that hard. But failing that, we’re at 34°, 16′, 30″ N by 119°, 13′, 40″ W.”

Epilogue: I don’t think this person ever made it to the store.

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So this week’s arrival of the conclusion of Daredevil: Father #6 got me thinking as to how long it took for this series to finally wrap up. I went to our store’s cycle sheets and…well, our Daredevil cycle sheets appear to be not where they’re supposed to be, at the moment, so I checked the dates over at Comiclist.com:

#1 – 4/28/04
#2 – 8/31/05
#3 – 9/21/05
#4 – 11/9/05
#5 – 12/29/05
#6 – 11/15/06

Well, it looked like issues #2-#5 almost came out on a regular schedule, anyway.

Just out of curiosity, I pulled out the arrival dates for Civil War:

#1 – 5/3/06
#2 – 6/14/06
#3 – 7/19/06
#4 – 9/20/06
#5 – 11/15/06

And just to be a jerk:

Daredevil: The Target #1 – 11/13/02. Issues #2-#4 of the series? Don’t hold your breath.

I would have looked up that Ultimate Hulk Vs. Wolverine (or whatever it’s called), but the thought of it just depressed me.

And just to keep anyone from complaining that my anti-Marvel, pro-DC bias is showing, let’s take a look at, say, Seven Soldiers: the last issue of the Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein series came out on April 26th…and that was it until the conclusion of the series, Seven Soldiers #1 popped up on October 25th.

The botched Wonder Woman relaunch has had only two issues so far, the first arriving on June 7th, the second on August 23rd, the third still pending, apparently.

The last issue of Superman/Batman we’ve seen, aside from the annual, is #29 from 8/30/06.

And then there’s All-Star Batman and Robin, where the series’ chronic lateness problems is its sole flaw:

#1 – 7/13/05
#2 – 9/14/05
#3 – 12/29/05
#4 – 5/17/06

Only one issue for 2006. Geez. But, you know, that’s okay, because I think I got one year’s worth of entertainment out of that issue.

The moral of the story? Companies, please put your comics out on time, because I, as a mere comics salesman, am the one who takes the most crap when your books are late. Thank you.

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I’ve been mentioning over the last couple of New Comics Day posts that I’m slowly trying to cut down the reading list a bit, winnowing out the few books that I’ve been buying out of habit and not enjoying. I noted that I was real close to cutting Green Lantern Corps, as I was enjoying the bits with Guy Gardner and, um, not much else. However, this issue kept me around because 1) more Dave Gibbons art, 2) I’m finally beginning to get interested in the other characters, and 3) a couple elements from Alan Moore’s Abin Sur story (from this annual) pop up in this issue (at least, I don’t remember those elements being mentioned in this series before). So, okay, you got me, I’m stickin’ around.

Now, Hellblazer…okay, had this been any other book, I probably would have dropped it, but I like the John Constantine character, and (most importantly) it’s a Swamp Thing spin-off character, so “Fanboy” beats out “Rational Adult in Charge of Finances” in this case. Because, really, I’m oversimplifying things a bit, but John ‘n’ pals are fighting a demon that causes people to be sad, and the way to fight it is be happy and in love. And I think this story has been going on for, like, eight, nine years now. Oh come on.

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For reading all that, I give you Spandexwear.com – Good Lord, that Batgirl costume is even more terrifying in real life. Egads. And this instills fear in nobody.